The Great Escapists (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Ahoy There - full transcript

Richard!

- Richard!
- What?

- Come here!
- I'm coming.

- Look!
- Mate, I'm busy.

Look. Out there!

What?

It's a flying pig,
a floating pub,

a boat full of supermodels?
- Yes!

Is it?

It's a boat!

- Where?
- Right out there.



Look.

It's a container ship.

- What ship?
- Out there.

- Where?
- You don't see it?

Tory, how long have you been
staring out to sea through these?

- Give me that.
- Tory...

Where did it go?

I know how much
you want to get off this island,

but you're sending yourself mad.

Do what I'm doing,
give yourself some quality time.

I'm enjoying a lovely bath, you can
use the water after me if you'd like.

Relax, you'll hurt your head.

And get out of the sun as well.

Where did it go?



Put it this way, if there was a ship
out there that day, I didn't see it.

This is what I was saying
about being worried about Tory.

He spent all day every day
up in that tower, on his own,

staring through binoculars.

And I think the sun and the solitude
frankly were starting to get to him.

I don't know
what he told you

but trust me,
I saw a boat that day.

And that's when I decided
I was going to figure out

how often they sailed past.

Tory?

- Richard.
- Are you all right?

- I'm glad you're here.
- I've not seen you for days.

I think I figured it out.
Every three days,

two ships go by.

There's a shipping lane,

just off the coast.

- Are you living up here now?
- I have to.

So, you never go down?

No.

What do you do
if you need to... you know, go?

Feel free to use it
if you have to go.

Oh!

Mate, just have a shower
and then come down

and tell me all about
what you've worked out.

Okay, yeah.
We need to build a raft.

It's simple,
we just gotta build a raft.

So I figured
if we could just reach

the shipping lane,
we'd be rescued.

It couldn't have been
more than ten miles.

Richard wasn't having it though,
but I finally convinced him

that a raft was going
to be our best way to escape.

At this point, I just want
to say for the record,

I like cars, he does...

explosions or whatever.

We neither of us
know anything about boats.

He's probably told you
I offered to help with his raft.

I was humouring him.
I was trying to stop him going mad.

Plus, if his plan had worked,

I'd have been left alone on the island
with a chicken and a football.

Ta-da!

What's that for?

It's for the raft.

You're gonna make
your raft out of driftwood?

Yeah.

If you want it to sink!

Listen, I wouldn't call
myself a boat expert.

I'm going to have
to agree with you on that one.

You're the reason we're in
this predicament in the first place.

You're going to have to let that
one go soon, it's poisoning you.

I'm still working through it.

I've watched enough survival shows to
know that's what you build a raft from.

Big chunks of wood,

that's what a raft is.

Wanna have a boat build off?

Yeah, we'll have
a floatation face off.

A buoyancy battle.

- God.
- Yeah.

- All right, you're on.
- Okay.

I'll see you at the beach.

There!
Since the dawn of time,

humankind
has made rafts like this.

Wood.

It's light, it's strong,
and thanks to the air

trapped between the fibers,
it's buoyant,

it's plentiful, renewable,

environmentally and ecologically sound,
that is a classic for good reason.

Actually, that is what I was
picturing when we said raft.

But we also have modern
day materials.

Look at mine.

Buoyancy, that's what I have
working for me.

Each of these 40-gallon barrels
has enough air

to keep me afloat.

If I looked out of my window
at home

and my neighbours had that
in their garden,

I would ring the council
and complain.

Looks like somebody has been
fly-tipping. It's hideous.

This ugly thing is going
to get us off this island.

If you've got to
have a raft, have a classic.

Whoever's raft stays afloat the longest
is the design we're going with.

Yeah, all right.

And don't try to take
my design idea after it works.

Surprisingly heavy.

Any minute now.

Need help with your raft?

We're not having
a launching competition.

It's a competition
to see which is best.

You wait till she's afloat.

See you out at sea.

Okay.

Tory, I'm sinking.

Wanna get onto mine?

I thought wood floated.

You're kind of like half way on
the raft, half way in the water.

It's like, you...

It doesn't work.

So, do you agree,
my design is better than yours?

Yes, mine has sunk.

- This is the design we're going with?
- Yes!

Here.

No, I'm going home.

I win.

So, yes, yes,
I let him win on purpose.

You are both very stupid men.

Quite honestly, I'm surprised
we're not both dead.

So, what happened next?

We built a version

of my winning design
big enough for the both of us.

I added a mast and a sail,

and we were
getting out of there.

All right, that's it.

So, we got food,
we got water, we got the oars.

Gin.

We got the gin.

- Why are we taking Clarkson?
- We're a team!

I know but he takes up
so much room.

We're not going
to leave somebody behind.

Okay.

How far are we really
going to get

on this heap of junk?

We don't have to go far.
All we have to do

is get out to that
shipping lane.

If we get out there, we'll
get seen, we'll get rescued.

Wait, wait.

Bye-bye,

beautiful tree house.

Bye-bye four-poster bamboo bed.

Bye-bye Monster the chicken,
you're in charge now.

We're leaving Monster?

I opened the door,
she can get out.

Okay. All right, you ready?

Yep.

Finally, we can
get off this land.

Do you know how to sail?

No.

Neither do I.

So now what then, captain?

Isn't it supposed to just fill up
with wind and push you along?

Ah, but it doesn't, does it?

You're being pulled along
because you've got high pressure

on one side of it,
and then lower pressure

on the other side, and actually it's the
lower pressure that pulls you toward it,

so technically you're being
pulled when you're sailing,

not pushed.

When do we start
drinking our own pee?

Let's wait till
we run out of water first.

Okay.

I thought this
was going to be a lot easier.

We're going to die out here
on the water, and we're going to die

of boredom.

I tell you what I'm going to do.
I can't take much more of this.

- What are you doing?
- I'm going home. We've tried.

Get back here.
You can't just jump ship.

Look, there is a wind coming!

It's working,

I'm going to get rescued!

No, no, no, no!

And there it is.

See you at home.

Traitor!

Yeah, it turns out sailing
is a lot harder than it looks.

Especially when your mast
gets snapped by a light breeze.

It's like I told you: I do cars,
he makes things go bang.

We don't do boats.

Hello, my darling.

Looks like we're going to be here
a little bit longer than I thought.

So next thing I'm thinking
is maybe building a raft

with some kind of mechanical device
on it, something that we can control.

And I'm hoping if I can get
Richard involved,

because he does love
mechanical things,

I could get his help
in getting us

off this island,

because at the moment
it seems like he wants to stay.

Too bad we can't ride

of this island huh?
- Yeah well, we can't.

Edison didn't invent
the light bulb right.

He took somebody else's idea
and then he improved on it.

Yeah?

Your idea for a raft

is the good basis of an idea.

Oh, thank you.

But it needs a visionary
to complete it and make it work.

Okay.

We need your raft,

and peddle power.

Keep going.

If we're going to do this, Tory,

I need 100% commitment.

And your bicycle.

Well look who just showed up.

Finally.

I thought I was the only one
that wanted off this island.

Let's do this.

We've got your bicycle,
here's the other one.

One each

on one raft.

What we don't want to do is mount these
up side by side on the raft, do we?

Because then whichever of us
is pedaling the strongest,

we'll keep going around corners.

Why don't we do tandem?

One behind the other?

- Yep.
- Okay let's dismantle.

Right, don't need that bit.

My plan is,

this can actually operate
the rudder.

This is your build.

So, it's going to
look something like...

- This sort of thing.
- Yeah.

Chain, chain,

tensioners...
- Welding.

Both driving.

This is going to work.

Let's attach it
to the other bike.

Tory, how many paddles do you
think we need in our paddlers?

I don't know.
How many you got so far?

Well, three on each wheel.

If one came in too quickly after
one had just gone in it would be going

into turbulent water
and it would be inefficient.

Your guess is as good as mine.

This is it then.

This is when it gets its power.

- Tell me when you have it in.
- Hold on, yep.

Okay.

- Subtle engineering.

- All right, we're in.
- Oh yeah.

Now if we run that round,

it should...

It's on!

All right.

Pedals are turning.

- It works.
- Shall we go for a spin?

Yeah let's go rafting.

- You gonna be at the front?
- Oh yeah.

- So how do we steer this thing?
- Well normally,

a boat's rudder is at the back.

It sort of pivots the boat
in the middle. That's how they work.

But we've got
the paddles at the back,

so I've had
to put the rudder at the front.

The steering is going to be
a little vague.

- You ready?
- Yeah.

- Let's go.
- And begin.

- That works.
- Is it turning?

Yeah. That's pretty good.

- It works!
- Yeah.

The horizon is just
roaring towards us.

Rescue us.

This is
a world changing machine.

I wouldn't go that far.

I'm going to call it
the bi-sea-cle. Bi-sea-cle.

That's clever!
Bi-sea-cle, I get it.

The irony will be
when I make a fortune.

We'll come back
and buy this island.

I'm going to buy it.

- Bi-sea-cle TM.
- This is the last place I wanna be.

Captain's log 204.

I've invented
a whole new type of vehicle,

the bi-sea-cle.

Consider it
my gift to human kind.

A pedalo.
Richard had "invented" a pedalo.

This is epic.

- It's working.
- Is it ever!

It is a treat to watch you
mastermind something.

Thank you.

I'm excited
about your new invention.

This is
a world changer this thing.

Which way do you have
that thing pointed?

What?

Our rudder.

That way.

Looks like we might need to go
a little bit to the left.

I didn't fit satnav.

You said it's just out to sea.
Ten miles.

Ten miles isn't far.

We've been going
for a while now.

Feel like we've been
pedaling for hours.

Are you peddling?
It's getting more difficult.

- Feel the burn?
- Yeah, I am feeling the burn.

My legs are burning.

I mean, it was clear
from the off that the bi-sea-cle

was an engineering masterpiece.

But it was, I'll grant you,
more suited to...

athletic types
like me.

God I was exhausted.

I've never been
so tired in my life.

I mean the only thing
that was keeping me going was

the thought of getting off
that island and getting home.

Let's keep going.

- Yeah, let's keep...
- Head down.

- Ten miles?
- Yep.

Okay.

At least.

I'll have a look,
see how far we've come.

Tory do not look.

- Are we far?
- Don't look. Just keep going.

Oh, no.

You looked.

We're never going
to get off this island.

I'm sorry, I'm going home.

I knew
this thing wouldn't work.

Another two hours
and we can be home.

Obviously, it was disappointing
that Tory just didn't have the power

to make the bi-sea-cle
really work.

I was desperate
to get off the island.

And to get Richard
to stop saying "bi-sea-cle".

I had to come up
with another plan.

- Water's almost ready.
- Good.

What are you going
to imagine the yucca is tonight?

Well, it's treat night for me.

Once a week
I imagine it's steak.

Oh, that's a good one...

- Yeah
- That sounds delicious.

What are you going
to imagine it is?

I'm going to imagine lobster.

Oh surf and turf!
We could half and half.

All right, so,
let's think about this again.

- The raft...
- Yes.

- What went wrong?
- Everything.

So the sail was probably
not the best idea.

No, it was a stupid idea.
It didn't work.

And then the manpower...

- That was worse!
- Yeah.

So, I suggest we drop
the idea of rafts.

They don't work.

We've tried it,
but we've failed.

Steam!

What?

We can make a steam engine!

Now, I know a steam engine
sounds crazy.

Richard said the same thing. But
you have to understand, I had a plan...

What are you doing?

Look what I found.

Remember this? It's the boiler.

I remember that.

Yeah, that was the hoist
that pulled up the anchor,

but now we could
use that for our steam boat.

What, so we've got
the whole lot?

Yeah, boiler, engine.

All we need to do
is build a paddle system.

- Do you think it'll work?
- I don't know.

Will you help me pull this out?

All right.

You might actually be on to
something here, I'm just saying.

Look at that, teamwork see?

When we work together,
we can do anything.

So, that is the boilery bit.

Yes.

So this inside of here
is a pressure tank.

We'll fill this up with water,
light the fire

just inside of here.

That'll heat up the water,

create steam, and we just pump
that steam into our steam engine.

And this is the engine
that does the actual power.

Yeah, so now we just need
to get this

hooked up to that.

We'll fill it with water,
light the fire, see if it works.

This could work.

This is very important.

This is our pressure gauge.

We don't want
to overpressure this thing

because it could end up
turning into a giant bomb.

That's the point with these
things because people think

a steam engine is nice
and fluffy and benign.

But the contained energy is...

Yeah, if this thing were
to overpressure and explode...

- We'd die.
- Not to mention destroying our raft,

we'd be dead.

Steam comes down the hose,
into the cylinders,

the cylinders stay pressurized,
like a backwards and forwards movement

so it's like pressures
going this way.

Different valve opens up and it
pushes the piston back that way.

That moves the crankshaft.

Crankshaft is attached
to our gears,

and that's going to spin our axle which
we will attach a paddle to eventually.

We're talking a lot because
we are putting off the inevitable

which is getting
this baby going.

- Err, should we light the fire?
- Wait.

- Yes?
- We need hats.

I'm not running a steam engine
without a hat.

All right, let's get our hats on
and then we'll light the fire.

- This feels kind of like a ceremony...
- Yeah it is.

We've got hats, we've got fire.

Well, this could be
our ticket off this island.

Right, there is water in. You can see
it in the gauge on the side.

All right.

- I'm now lighting the fire.
- Okay.

Stuff's catching.

Now close this.

All right I got this valve open.

And our steam valve is closed.

It's exactly like lighting
a log burner at home.

Now what?

I think we just wait
till the steam builds up.

I can already
here the water bubbling.

Something elemental about this,
isn't there?

Because it's fire, water...

- Yeah.
- ... pressure.

Well it's like,
neither of us know how to sail,

so that was a terrible idea.
- Yeah that was your idea.

The man-power thing,
I mean it was a funny design

but it was too much work.

This could be our answer.

I can't wait to see
this thing move, alive.

- Yeah me too.

- Woohoo, I think we got steam.
- Be careful! That's gonna be hot.

Woo, it's hot.

Right so now that's building pressure
because you've shut that valve.

- Yeah. It's very exciting.
- We've started the process.

- We're building pressure.
- Yeah, it's happening.

It's like a ticking time bomb.

And the worst part is, you
don't know when it's gonna...

The pressure
release valve is working!

- Isn't it?
- Yeah!

I think I just did
a poo in my pants.

I released my own pressure at
the same time as that, all of it!

- Okay so we have steam.
- Yeah we have.

That's obvious.

- Is that valve open?
- That valve is open.

Okay I'm going to open
this one slowly.

Okay we should see
that come out here.

Yeah,
there's water and vapour.

- Okay that's a good sign.
- Wait a minute.

Now that's just vapour.

So that is steam
all the way through.

We got steam!

So, you shut that off.

- Okay you close...
- And I shut this valve.

And at that point, when
you turn that on...

- We should have...
- It should run.

All right. Here we go.

Slowly.

I feel like Frankenstein.

Oh!

It lives!

- It lives!
- It works!

Richard, we have a steam engine.

- It works!

Oh my god! It's beautiful!

- We're spinning our wheels!
- We have power.

Now we just need
to mount this to our raft,

put on a paddle or something.
- Yeah.

And we'll get off this island.

- That is beautiful.

It's like
"Chitty Chitty Bang Bang".

We've figured a way
off this island.

We're making a steam powered
boat. I'm coming home to you.

Oh my gosh.
I can't wait to see you,

tell you about
this crazy adventure.

I miss you so much.

Tory.

Here we go.

Alright the height of this is
going to be kind of important.

We need to have it dipping deep
into the water to push us along.

Actually, no, if you think
about it we don't because

if they dip too deep,
if the water is like here,

it goes along there and that's
pushing forwards, pushing forwards.

But from there it's just creating drag
as it lifts water up needlessly

so they need
to be quite shallow.

They just want to dip,
push and then get out.

So, you're better off
with them just above the water

so it just dips and
comes out, dips and comes out.

The problem is
we don't know exactly where

this boat is going
to sit on the water yet.

- No. So what I've done...
- Yeah?

... is guess.

Oh, you've made
a scientific guess.

No just a straight up guess.

- Oh.
- Just a guess.

- Let's hope your guess was right.
- It looks pretty good.

Yeah it looks great.

Stick it in.

Alright shall we get
the other one on?

There.

- Good?
- Yeah.

There you go.

- Ta-da! Come on!

- It's beautiful.
- Ah yeah that is proud.

So, we've still got
to put the rudder on...

And then we have to put
the boiler on,

and then we can
test this bad boy out.

Oh yeah.

Ah, I wish you guys
could've seen the steamboat.

It was beautiful.

And once we had it fuelled it up
with driftwood,

we were ready to set sail.

We are at full steam
captain.

Carry on number one,
carry on.

I'm feeling good about this one.

This boat, it actually worked?

Yeah it totally worked.

But have you ever been
on a steam powered paddle boat

with a bored five-year-old?

Try doing it
with Richard Hammond.

It's worse.

- Tory?
- Yes?

- Are we nearly there yet?
- No.

What about now,
are we nearly there now?

Not yet.

- Tory captain?
- Yes captain?

Might I enquire of you

as to the proximity of us

towards our shared objective,

namely being there yet.

God, I thought it was bad
being on an island with you.

If we're going to be
a long time at sea

you're going to have
to lighten up, chum.

Come on.

Listen we got
food and water for four days.

We're going
to be out here for a while

so let's try not
to get on each other's nerves.

How are we going to
know how far we've gone anyway?

With this.

- A plank?
- No.

We're going to measure
how fast we're going in knots,

like the old sailors used to do.
- Go on.

Since we had time I thought
maybe we should come up

with a crude measuring system.

So, I took all the rope
that I could find on the ship,

tied it together, and
every metre I have tied a knot.

What I'm going to do is throw off
the buoy or how you call it a "boy"...

"Boy", it's what it is.

And then what I'll do is
have you time every 30 seconds

I'll see how
many knots go through my hand.

- Ah, the knots are a metre apart?
-Yes.

So, we'll know how many
metres we've gone in 30 seconds,

which we can extrapolate how many metres
we've done in a minute,

and then how many metres an hour,
which is kilometres an hour.

Precisely.

- Boom.
- Then we'll know roughly

how fast we're going
and how far we're going.

You've been thinking.

There's nothing else to do
on this ship.

That's where knots came from.

Based on nautical miles.

All right you ready?

You tell me when it's
in the water and I'll time it.

Okay.

- Buoy out.
- Okay.

- Might me counting.
- One.

- That's five seconds.
- Two.

Three.

- 15 seconds gone.
- Four.

Five.

- Five seconds to go.
- Six.

Three, two, one.

- Seven.
- Seven in 30 seconds.

So that's 14 metres a minute,
what's 14 times 60?

I haven't eaten in days,
I can't do math.

Wait a minute,

14 times 10 would be 140,
times 6,

840 metres an hour.

That's very nearly
1 kilometre an hour

which is incredibly slow.

Yeah, small problem
with steamboats. Not fast.

But I didn't give up, even with
the crazy man-child driving me nuts.

Can I drive?

- Do you want to do something helpful?
- Yeah.

- You want to take coordinates?
- That sounds complicated.

- Can I feed the fire?
- Absolutely not.

- Can I watch you feed the fire?
- Only if you don't talk.

Oh, come on.

I could do that.

Don't even think about it.

How will we know when
we get to your shipping lane?

What does
a shipping lane look like?

Does it have lines
down the middle and lights?

And which side
of the sea do they drive on?

I mean, you don't want to be going
the wrong way up the shipping lane,

on the wrong side,

and the same side
as the oncoming ships traffic.

I can feed the fire.
Every fifteen minutes,

one log.

See, I know.

All right, fine.

I'll let you stoke the fire
if you promise to stop talking.

Can you do that?

Okay now listen,

just make sure you keep your eye
on the gauge

so we don't
over pressurize this vessel.

Because if that happens,
this whole thing could explode,

taking this ship out
and us with it.

So, whatever you do,
don't overfeed the fire.

Got it? All right.

I'm going to take a nap.

Another twelve minutes to go
and this is going in.

Clarkson, psst.

Clarkson, are you awake?

Right, here's the score.

He puts one log in that boiler
every fifteen minutes.

Here's my thinking:
that's boring.

Why don't I just put
four logs in

once an hour then I can have
the rest of the hour

to you know have a snooze,
talk to a dolphin,

have a snooze.

It's the same thing,
four logs an hour.

It's efficiency.

Glad you agree.

Plan.

Uh-oh!

There you go.

Easy.

Nice idea, Clarkson,
well done mate.

So, it turns out that putting
lots of wood on at once

isn't time saving brilliance.

I know that now.

What's going on?

- What?
- What did you do?

What do you mean, what did I do?

The pressure!

We're maxed out on the gauge.
This is not good, Richard.

I haven't touched the gauge.

- How much wood did you put in there?
- Same as you.

You overfed it, didn't you?

I didn't want to put in a bit at
a time, I put it in in one go.

- It's the same.
- This thing could blow!

What do you mean blow?

- Abandon ship!
- Do what?

- Abandon ship.
- I'm not getting in there.

There's sharks in there.

Richard do whatever you want.
I'm getting off this boat.

You can't just go.

Well wait a minute,
there's protocol in abandoning ship.

I'm going to do it
with dignity and style.

Are there sharks?

Clarkson!

Oh, no!

- Hey, it didn't explode!
- No and it's still going.

Well now we're not
on it.

How is this better than being
on our beautiful island home?

If a shark eats me,
I'll be bloody furious!

If you hadn't overfed the furnace,
we would still be on there.

You put four logs in,
each that big,

one every fifteen minutes.

I put four logs in
at the same time.

Exactly. That's why it overheated
and that's why it almost exploded.

You almost killed us
with that little stunt of yours.

Yeah almost
is the key thing.

Well it looks like
it's slowing down.

We could probably
catch it.

Unless it explodes.

It's stopped.

You know what though,
better to be safe than sorry.

Yeah.

- That could have taken us both out.
- Yeah.

All right, let's get
this thing fixed.

From here on out,
I'm in charge of the wood.

It's manual labour anyway,
I don't do that.

I'm officer grade.

And then what happened?

So yeah, I calmed down,
got the boiler working again,

and we finally made it to what
I guessed was the shipping lane.

This is it.

- This is the shipping lane?
- Yep.

Well what do we do now then?

We wait.

How much longer do we wait?

- Until a ship comes.
- It's been four days.

We've run out of food,
we've run out of water,

I'm starving, Clarkson's bored.

Everything
in my calculations says

this should be the shipping lane

and a ship should have come by
by now.

Can I have a look
at your calculations?

This is what we came out
here based on? It's garbage!

That's a picture
of a table lamp!

These insane ramblings...

What is that?

That's you.

I've let myself be dragged out
here to die on the sea...

... by what is now evidently
a lunatic.

How much worse
can things can get?

Well, this is all the wood
we have left to get back.

And there it is.
Now we really are screwed.

We're stuck out here
with no fuel,

no sail, and no hope.

Help!
Somebody help me!

Subtitling: ECLAIR