The Grand Tour (2016–…): Season 5, Episode 2 - The Grand Tour: Eurocrash - full transcript

[dramatic music]

[boat siren]

Hello, viewers. You join us
on a car ferry on the Baltic Sea,

just off the coast of Poland.

The reason we're here is because
we're about to embark on a road trip

that no one's ever thought of doing.

The reason we're doing a road trip no one
has ever thought of doing before is...

in these times,
it's very difficult to do a road trip

that someone has thought of doing before.

Yeah, if you think about all the places

we've been to in recent years,



places that were stable
when we were there,

that aren't anymore.

Mozambique.

Syria. Iraq. Burma.

Ukraine. Russia.

We couldn't go back to any of them.

Or, for different reasons, Argentina.

[James] No.
Or Turkey.

- Why can't we go to Turkey?
- We're banned.

- Are we?
- Yes.

But it's not just the places
where we've been before,

that there is a problem.

No, absolutely right.

For this show, we thought we'd drive
across the Sahara.



We can't - too much terrorism.

Then we said: "Let's follow
in the footsteps of Lawrence of Arabia

and go across the Sinai."
We can't.

Too much terrorism.

We wanted to go from Bangladesh
to Mount Everest.

Can't.

Why couldn't we do that?

- You have to go through India.
- Is that a problem?

- I'm banned from India.
- Yes, he is. He is.

And anyway, it's because of all of that,

that we find ourselves here,
on a ferry, in the Baltic Sea.

Yes, because we are about to undertake

a 1,400-mile drive

from - I've got the map here actually,
I'll fish this one out -

from Gdańsk which is
right up here on the Baltic, there,

and then we go all the way down here,

to Bled, in Slovenia.

Nobody's done that ever,
Gdańsk to Bled.

Having decided to do a road trip
nobody's ever done before,

Mr Wilman chimed in

and said: "OK, but you've got to do it
in cars that nobody

has ever used to do a road trip before."

And on that front,

- I'm the winner.
- You're so not.

[powerful music]

[Richard] I was first
to disembark from the ferry.

In this.

[jazz music]

A pickup truck.

With a folding roof.

Yeah, I know.

A convertible pick-up truck sounds
like a bulletproof tea towel.

Why would you put
those two things together?

But that's what this game is about.

Unique!
Nobody's ever done this.

[dramatic music]

[Richard] At this point,

Cruella de Vil arrived.

[grandiloquent music]

What...

This is the most inappropriate
road trip car ever made.

I give you the Mitsuoka Le-Seyde.

[soft music]

It's the most

- inappropriate thing ever made.
- No, you say that,

it's a work of genius.

Because what Mr Mitsuoka did

was he took the engine

from a 1990s Nissan Silvia,
an ordinary 2-Door Japanese saloon car

and the gearbox

and the interior
and all the electrics,

kept them as they were

and then fitted this flamboyant body.

What Mr Mitsuoka did, was he took

acid and this resulted.

- Mate, for one thing...
- Yeah?

- Wheels.
- Ah, yes.

[Richard] The ones at the back are hiding

and you're steering the car
in front of you.

- Yes.
- Look at it.

That is a mechanical change, I admit.

[Jeremy] These wheels are 3 feet in front
of where they should be.

There are other things.
Look at the horns.

[Jeremy] Check them out.
Want to hear them?

- [Richard] Do they work?
- [Jeremy] Oh, yes.

- I don't think I do.
- Ready?

They look like something
on top of a train in America.

- Ready?
- Yes.

[quiet horn]

That's it?

[quiet horn]

How many of these has he made?

- Several hundred.
- Too many.

I think he made about 500 of them.

This was supposed
to look like a Mercedes SSK.

And yet it really doesn't.

- This looks more like a Mercedes SSK.
- I disagree with you.

That ship looks more like a Mercedes SSK.

- This, look... There was a tremendous...
- [Richard] Wrong.

- [Jeremy] Can we move on to your car.
- [Richard] Utter brilliance, this.

- An SSR, I know what it is.
- Yes, it is.

I've never driven one, to be honest.

- I don't think anybody has.
- No, nobody did.

It was a convertible 2-seater
pickup truck. Electric roof.

- The roof goes...
- In there.

So it's not really a very good
pickup truck.

It's not very good as a pickup truck,
but it's very bad as a sportscar.

- Heavy?
- Yes, about 2 tons.

- It's...
- Yeah!

...absolutely hideous, isn't it?

No worries, I love it.

[Richard] We then speculated

on what James might be using.

- He hates being called slow guy.
- I know.

I think he's going to be in something
a bit snappy.

Something like...

a Lamborghini LP550 Balboni special,
2-wheel drive,

but fully race prepped.

Exactly.

[Jeremy] It then turned out

that we were absolutely wrong.

[Hawaiian music]

[Jeremy] I have no clue what that is.

- [Richard] How far away is he?
- [Jeremy] That's a good question.

[Jeremy] What is it?

[Jeremy] Genuinely, I don't know
what that is.

[Richard] I've no idea.

[Richard] Have you just come
from the circus?

What is it, James?
It says Crosley on it.

Sorry, but it's a very precious car

and it's raining.
I've got to put the roof up

but it goes up like an MX5,
it takes a couple of seconds.

You can do it on the move.

It's a 1947 Crosley CC convertible.

Like me to tell you about the history
of the car? It's fascinating.

I've a feeling you're going to.

In the 1930s,
there was a man in America

- called Powel Crosley Junior.
- [Jeremy] Mm-hmm.

He made his fortune
out of domestic appliances.

He was the first person to build a fridge
with shelves in the door.

Something we all take for granted now.

He looked around and saw
that everyone was driving

massive cars and he thought

it was ridiculous, so he decided
to use some of his fortune

to make small cars.
He famously said:

"If you're crossing a river,
you don't need a battleship."

He decided he'd sell his cars
in his shops

alongside his domestic appliances.
That's why

this car

is only 4 feet wide.

It has to go through the door of a shop.

Good thinking on the part of Mr Crosley.

- He was a genius.
- However,

I have produced

larger and more attractive bogeys
than this.

What is the motor?

It's a 4-cylinder 724cc engine,
developing...

twenty-six and a half horsepower.

- Hold on, how old's this?
- 1947.

It's 70-something years old,

- we've got to assume, 12...
- 14.

- 14.
- Max.

By now, a lot of those horses
will have died.

Did you hear the words

1,400-mile road trip?

Yeah.

[Jeremy] If you're lucky,
you've got 14hp.

What did you pay?

There's a bit of a story about that.

It was on a well-known
car auction website

and I looked at it.
It finished that evening

and bidding was at 400 pounds,
so I bid 450 pounds,

then I went off and got some wine,

and came back later
and it went up a bit

- and it was...
- [Richard] What did you pay?

- 11,000 pounds.
- [Richard laughs]

[Jeremy]11,000 pounds for that?

- I bought it when I was drunk.
- You...

- [laughter]
- I'll grant you that.

- [Richard] Fair point.
- [Jeremy] So, hold on,

I got my entire Mitsuoka Le-Seyde

for only 11,500.

- [James sniggers]
- That is a proper car.

[Richard] Who pays 11,500 grand
for an old Nissan

- in a bad frock?
- How much was this?

Yes, absolutely. Exactly my point.

[Jeremy] How much?

[quietly] It was 18,500 pounds.

What?

I've always wanted one.

- It's a convertible pickup truck.
- I know.

It's like a speed hump on a runway.
It's completely useless.

- [Richard] That's...
- [Jeremy] Come on, let's get going.

Ooh!

[suspenseful music]

You don't suppose...

- [Richard] I do suppose, yes.
- [James] Mr Wilman

- is being funny.
- I've got to be honest,

that's more inappropriate
than any of our cars.

That's designed to do
a quarter of a mile.

[James] That's a designer hot rod,
isn't it?

- [Richard] Look what it says.
- [Jeremy] Look.

That...

That is doom, isn't it?
That is the end.

Would you want to drive a car that says
"Titties 'n' beer"

- on the side?
- [James] I really wouldn't.

[upbeat music]

[Jeremy] Now praying to God

that our own cars wouldn't let us down,
we headed

for the port exit and the start
of our mammoth journey.

Right. A 1,400-mile journey beginning now

from Gdańsk to Bled.

[crash]

[James] I've had a crash.

[Jeremy] We've only done 20 feet.

[he laughs]

When we were in Scandinavia,

you did at least a day before you had

- an accident.
- [James] Hang on.

[Richard] Is this a bit of your car?

No, that's not from the car.

[man speaks in Polish]

- What is this?
- You've broken his barrier.

- You smashed his barrier.
- You've broken his barrier.

[man speaks in Polish]

- [Jeremy] "Polizei"?
- [Richard] Call the police?

[Jeremy] Naturally, we thought it best
to scarper before the 5-0 arrived.

- [James] It's hot.
- [Jeremy] But before we could do that,

James insisted on starting
his windscreen wipers.

Are you ready?

[Jeremy laughs]

What about that one?

[laughter]

[James] It's like a face
covered with a snare drum.

[upbeat music]

[Jeremy] With James now able to see
where he was going,

we left the second biggest Baltic port

and headed for Gdańsk itself,

famous throughout the world

as the birthplace
of Lech Walesa's Solidarity movement,

a movement that helped bring down
communism

and end the Cold War.

Here, events happened which reverberated
throughout the communist world

and particularly

in Eastern Europe.

[Jeremy] Having seen the news footage
from that period,

we assumed the city centre
would be all in black and white.

And a bit like Hull.

But by the time we got there,
the sun had come out

and it wasn't like that at all.

[soft music]

That is amazing.

That is a very pretty town.

[kids cheering]

[Jeremy] Morning, everybody.
Look at this.

If I'd done this in a Nissan Silvia,
nobody would be paying any attention.

But because it's got bits
of Lliberace's bathroom

stuck on it,
everyone's taking its picture

and is very happy.

[Richard] People are smiling,

they're looking.

There is no doubt we are bringing joy.

You know when the fairground
comes to your town,

you don't moan, do you?
All your bikes get stolen,

but other than that it's good news.
It's bright, it's fun.

[Richard] Having helped

our colleague through
an extremely narrow gap...

[Richard] I reckon you're OK.
You're alright. To me.

[Richard] You're alright.
Don't get carried away.

[James] Very funny. Keep it up.

Go on. You're going to do it.

He did it! Well done!

[Richard] We headed out of town...

and on to the motorway.

[upbeat music]

[engine roaring]

That is the determined sound
of a Nissan 4 Pot.

[Jeremy] And this was
the even more determined sound

of the 75-year-old Crosley.

[high-pitched revving]

Holy shit, that's terrible.

[Richard] James May, are you flat out?

[James] Yes. 38 mph.

Oh!

Oh my God!

Errrr...

39...

Errrr...

39.

Oh, God, massive lorry up my chuff.

- No!
- [lorry honks]

[James] Argh!

Holy shit!

[Jeremy] God, strewth,

that nearly rolled over.

[Jeremy] Seeing that our colleague
was clearly in peril,

we decided to leave him behind.

[Jeremy] Bye, James.

["The Final Countdown" by Europe playing]

Right, 1,400 miles to go,
across 4 countries.

[music continues]

[Jeremy] We're going to be
behind what used to be

the Iron Curtain...

and what might still be the Iron Curtain
by the time we finish.

[music continues]

[Jeremy] Our first stop-off was at a
racetrack a couple of hundred miles away

near the city of Poznan,

which meant we had plenty of time

to discuss our cars.

Jeremy, a question whilst we cruise.

[Jeremy] Mm-hmm?

[Richard] That thing's supposed to mimic
the Mercedes SSK, yeah?

[Jeremy] Yeah.

[Richard] Wasn't a Mr A. Hitler
a fan of a Mercedes SSK?

No, because the SSK was from the early
30s when Hitler was a corporal

and corporals couldn't have afforded
an SSK.

[Richard] It doesn't mean
he wasn't a fan of it.

So you're driving a plastic,
unconvincing replica

of a car Hitler loved.

No.

I'm just not.

[Jeremy] Can you imagine
what it's like in the Crosley?

Do you know,
I don't think I actually can.

[lorry hoots]

Brace for slipstream.

- [lorry hoots]
- [James] Arghh!

This is madness.

724cc.
Where did he come up with that idea?

What was wrong with - I don't know -
1 litre?

[James] Oh Jeez!

[upbeat music]

[Jeremy] Many miles ahead,
we'd left the motorway

and were driving through
what the tour guides say

is Poland's second biggest wood.

[Jeremy] Think about it, Hammond,
in one day,

we've seen

Gdańsk, the second busiest port
in the Baltic and now

we're in Poland's second biggest wood.

[Richard] I know. It's amazing.
I love second biggest or best.

Because first is easy,
just make it bigger or better,

but second,

you can't be bigger than first,
you've got to be better than third.

It requires precision.

It's best.

[Richard] Having eventually emerged
from the trees,

we arrived at the Poznan racetrack.

Mr Wilman has booked us in to take part
in some local racing, which is great

because we're like ambassadors.
This is a cultural exchange.

Without the culture
or anything to exchange.

[Richard] It was an impressive circuit.

With all mod cons.

But the real treat

was waiting for us in the pits.

[solemn music]

- I know what these are.
- Race cars?

They're Formula Easter.

- [Richard] Just behind the Iron Curtain.
- [Jeremy] Exactly.

This is basically the Soviet Union's
answer to Formula 1.

[Jeremy] Running throughout the 70s
and 80s,

when the Iron Curtain
was very firmly drawn,

Formula Easter saw teams
from Soviet bloc countries

race against each other.

With a lot of passion and bravery,

but very few resources.

Power came from tuned up
1.3 litre Lada engines.

The suspension
from East German minivans.

The steering rack
started life in Trabants.

The set of tyres
had to last a whole season.

[engine revving]

The Polish team was so hard up

that motor sport fan and fellow Pole

Pope John Paul II
had to buy their helmets.

But despite this make-do and mend
handicap,

Formula Easter provided
an exciting distraction for people

who'd spent all week
queueing for a loaf of bread.

[action music]

[Jeremy] I've always wanted
to see these cars.

I've heard about them,
you read about them.

All they had was a fuzzy photograph

taken in 1968,

at a European racetrack,

of a European racing car.
A bit like that.

- [Richard] "I want one of those."
- [Jeremy]Yeah, "I want one of those,

but I've only got a Lada engine."

[Richard] It's great what human ingenuity
can achieve, isn't it?

Determination.

I know what they did for shoes.

- You know boxing shoes?
- Yeah.

They wore those.

They're a bit like racing shoes.

- [Richard] They're really pretty cars.
- [Jeremy] They are so pretty.

That is fantastic.

- And safe.
- [Richard laughs]

[Jeremy] look how the windscreen's held
on this one.

- [Jeremy] That is authentic.
- [Richard] Taped in place.

[Richard] That's not coming off,
unless it rains and then it's coming off.

[high-pitched]

[James] Meanwhile...

many miles back, I too was in
Poland's second biggest wood,

having left behind

the horror of the motorway.

Oh... This is so much nicer.

I've got to admit, there were a few times
on the motorway

when I looked at "Titties 'n' Beer"
in the mirror

and I thought: "Mmm."

Anyway, now we're on this road,
a pleasant road,

I'm going to forget "Titties 'n' Beer",
concentrate on the Crosley.

The ugly puppy, the runt of the litter
that you should take home, remember.

[James] However, just a mile later...

There's a man in a BMW
trying to get past.

I'll try and make him some space.
Jesus!

Get off.

Go on.

Go past.

Oh no, I'm going to cut out. I have.
It's died.

[honking]

Right.

[the engine sputters]

[the engine dies]

Ah.

[Jeremy] Back at the circuit,

Hammond and I had now chosen

which cars we'd be driving
in the race.

Oh, yes.

Ah!

[Richard laughs]

[Jeremy] That is it.

My arse is that far out of the seat.

Oh dear.

- Is there a bigger one?
- [man] No.

This is the...
So this is the biggest?

I won't be able to do it.

- You'll miss out on our day out.
- What do you want me to do?

Be less fat.

[Richard] It's quite easy.

- [Jeremy] Obesity is an illness.
- It's a big fat illness.

- [Richard] A big fat heavy illness.
- [Jeremy laughs]

It's frustrating, you're ready
to do things. You're primed.

You can't do them because you're so fat.

[he laughs]

I'm sorry.
You're quite sad.

- I am.
- [Richard] You're going to miss out.

You are being quite funny, but...

Oh God!

[Jeremy groans]

I can't get out.

Ah.

[Richard] Oh dear.

[man] ...the bodywork from you.

[Jeremy] Can you help me get out?

[Richard] They'll have to dismantle
the car around him!

They're going to have
to dismantle the car around you

to get you out.
[he laughs]

They're peeling it off him
like a diving suit.

[they laugh]

[Richard] It would have been easier
to paint a racecar on him

and then wipe it off.

Thank you.

They've popped your dignity in
the workshop, you can go and pick it up.

[Jeremy] While Hammond
and his competitors

got ready for qualifying,

I realised there was
something useful I could do.

I've decided to appoint myself
as team manager.

- Have you?
- Yeah, I'm Toto Wolff.

[Jeremy] The only thing

- that is slightly worrying me...
- [Richard] What?

James May. Qualifying is in 2 minutes.
Is it 2 minutes?

- [man speaking]
- 2 minutes.

James May is still not here.

He needs to get a wriggle on or he won't
be here for qualifying.

That's the rules, mate.

Be here on time and don't be too fat.

[laughs]

[James] As it happened,
the Crosley was now

up and running.

And I was not far

from the circuit.

Perfect gear change.

[creaking]

Oh, no. No, no, don't do it.

[the engine won't start]

[racing car engine]

[Jeremy] Back at the track,

qualifying had now begun.

[suspenseful music]

Hey, hey!

He's on the outside.

[Jeremy] As team manager, it was my job

to record my driver's lap times.

Here he comes.

2.22. Oh, shit!

Wait. How do I...

How do I make the stopwatch?

How do... if you stop it,

How do... I needed another stopwatch.

[Jeremy] Before I got
the chance to tell Hammond

that I had no meaningful lap times,

James arrived.

Too late for qualifying, but still keen
to have some kind of role.

So, as team boss, I gave him one.

They haven't got a medical car.

So if you can turn your car
into an ambulance...

Wouldn't it make more sense
to turn yours into the medical car?

Thought about that.
Mine's only got 2 seats,

couldn't get a stretcher in it.
Could get it in yours.

- Alright.
- If you do that, it'd be brilliant.

Alright.

[suspenseful music]

[Richard] Happily,
someone who wasn't an ape

had been keeping lap times

and it turned out that I'd qualified

in sixth place.

This is an amazing treat on our road trip
that no one's ever thought of doing.

- Look who's here.
- [Richard] Hello, mate.

Have you done the car?

- You missed qualifying.
- [James] I know.

[Richard] It's a shame,
it's brilliant fun.

I was looking forward to a race.

Have fun.

- I will.
- Could have been me.

Yeah, I know.
You're missing it.

Because you're too fat.

He said he was too tall.

[suspenseful music]

[Jeremy] As the drivers prepared
for the off,

I gave Hammond
some final advice on strategy.

Thank you so much.

[motors revving]

There he is!

He overtook someone.

[he laughs]

[upbeat music]

Concentrate, Hammond.
Don't crash.

Just have your own race.

I'll see if I can keep hold
of fourth place.

Oh!

Oh no. Oh no.

[James] What if he's in third or fifth
next time he comes round?

- That's a good point.
- Do I put a question mark then?

[they laugh]

[music continues]

Come on. Keep going.

[he laughs]
I'm a proper racing driver.

[dramatic music]

This is a fast one.

- [Jeremy] Here he comes.
- Is that him?

[Jeremy] Oh shit!

I reckon I could do that one in 4.

[tyres screeching]

[James] Hammond continued
on his merry way,

completely unaware that his leaking car

had turned the track into a skating rink.

Oh! Somebody's gone off.

Somebody else has gone off.

[James] Sadly, his team boss was making
a bit of a meal of warning him.

- Why "some kind of"?
- We don't know what it is.

Just put "fluid".

[tyres screeching]

Oh, bollocks.

- [James] Is that him?
- [Jeremy] No.

Is that a red light?

[man] Hammond's off. Hammond's off.

[Jeremy] What?

- [James] Hammond's off.
- Shit.

[Richard] Oh God.

Ahhh!

I'm alright. I hurt my leg,

I do need someone to come and get me.

[man] James is on his way.

Who?

[man] James. James is on his way.

[ambulance siren]

[ambulance siren]

[engine won't start]

[Jeremy] Oh, come on.

[engine revving]

[engine won't start]

Hang on.

Doesn't like hot starting.

[Jeremy] There we go.

- Hang in there, Hammond.
- [Richard] Yes, I'm hanging in.

You're not dead.

No. In fact, I've got better.

[Jeremy] Sadly, Hammond's spillage
had caused so much carnage

that the rest of the racing
was cancelled.

So, for the second time

since we arrived in Poland,
we scarpered.

[upbeat music]

But not before
I modified my car slightly.

I've painted my wheels green

to make them more racy,
a bit more flamboyant.

[Richard] Did it need increased
flamboyance, your car?

I'm just enjoying my reflection
in your chrome wheels.

[Richard] You're enjoying looking
at that?

It looks like a disaster with a Lego set.

Something I'd leave on the sitting room
carpet when I was 8.

[upbeat music]

[Jeremy] It was now late in the day.

We wanted to stop off
and see Jesus before going to our hotel,

90 miles away.

That wasn't going to be

much of a problem for Richard

with his 6-litre V8,

or me.

James though...

It's June 21, the longest day,

and for James May, it's going

- to feel like it.
- [laughter]

[high-pitched revving]

[James] Situation report.

The engine cooling temperature is rising.

It's not in the danger zone yet,
but it's getting there.

- Oh God, it's truck time. No!
- [truck honking]

Arghhh!

Holy shit!

[Jeremy] Untroubled by any issues at all,

we were now arriving in Jesus' garden.

God, it's enormous.

[organ playing]

Jesus!

[religious music]

[Richard] Does it do anything
if you put 50p in?

[Jeremy] I'll tell you what's funny.

I was just googling him.

He's the second tallest Jesus
in the world.

- Brilliant.
- One in Indonesia is taller.

That must be depressing.
Did this one go up first?

It must have done. You wouldn't build
the second biggest one.

You wouldn't say...
I don't know, we're in Poland.

We've been in the second biggest wood,
the second busiest port.

- [Richard] Yep.
- [Jeremy] I tell you what else I found.

Until very recently,
he had a cell tower on top of his head.

- And then there were some complaints.
- Why?

Because people were watching
strong pornography beamed to their phones

from Jesus' head.

[Richard] Yeah.

[Jeremy] That was a mistake,
putting the internet on Jesus' head.

[Richard] It's not dignified.

Also, there's a door in Jesus.
Who knew that?

- Look.
- Is that Jesus' back door?

[Jeremy laughs]

[Richard] The next time
somebody surprises me

and I say: "Christ back door!"

[Jeremy laughs]

- That's what you're talking...
- That's what I'm talking about.

[Richard] This is proper road trip stuff.
This is what you do on a road trip.

It's exactly what you do on a road trip.

[James sighs]

[Jeremy] Unless, that is,
you're in a 75-year-old Crosley.

With an overheating engine.

This is Richard Hammond's territory.
He likes all this old stuff

from before the war and just after

and says: "It's one of only three."
I'm not [beep] surprised!

I suspect the radiator's blocked.

Wow!

There's quite a lot of brownness coming
out if you look underneath.

I was looking forward to seeing
that big Jesus.

[James] But all I could do now
was concentrate

on getting to the hotel before I needed
to use my antique headlamps.

Another 62 miles to go.

I'm getting appalling cramp
in this leg, all the way up here.

My arse is completely numb.

God, let it end!

[James] When I finally reached
the overnight halt,

I was so shattered,
I went straight to bed.

- He's gone to bed.
- Yes.

[Richard] Us two, however, having enjoyed

a much less stressful afternoon,

still had the energy
to borrow some locals

and engage in a bit
of booze-fueled japery.

[Richard] Everybody get
what you can get to lift.

- Grab and lift it.
- Anything you can.

[Richard] Three, two...
Bloody hell, that wasn't difficult.

- [Richard] That way.
- [Jeremy] Other way.

[Richard] Back to there.

[Jeremy] My back! Jesus!

- Ow, my back. And my fingers.
- [Richard] We should...

[Jeremy] This could sound like
a porn film if we weren't careful.

[Jeremy] The next morning,
James was displeased

to find his car was tucked hard against
the wall in the hotel's restaurant.

[James] Very funny, bell ends.

OK.

[groans]

Ow!

Jesus.

[upbeat music]

[Jeremy] This delay meant he was
miles behind Richard and me.

Here's the plan for today.

Stop off at Stalag Luft III,
where The Great Escape happened.

A spot of lunch and then a long drive
to Krakow.

[Jeremy] Ever since we decided
to do this trip,

months ago,
James May has been beside himself

with excitement about visiting
Stalag Luft III.

He's even wearing a Great Escape T-shirt.

[Jeremy] But now, at least he was
on his way.

[James] Sorry.

Bollocks.

[Jeremy] ...and feeling very miserable.

It wasn't a terrible dream,
I really am driving

a Crosley across Eastern Europe.

I'm already in top gear,
this is it for an hour.

[James] On the plus side,
I wasn't on the terrifying motorway.

On the minus side,

everyone else wished I was.

[car horn]

[James] I'm doing my best.

[James] He's going for it.
You must be mad.

No! Ah!

He's going.

- There he goes.
- [lorry horn]

There's another one.

They're both going. Oh, my God!

Jeez!

I'm now responsible.

[Jeremy] Far ahead, I too was having
a bit of a drama.

[buzzing]

Oh, Christ, that's not a wasp.
What the [beep] hell is that?

It's absolutely gigantic.

- Get out! Get out!
- [Richard laughs]

I can see it from here.
It's enormous!

It's incredibly big.

Get out.

[soft music]

[Jeremy] After ejecting
the poisonous hand glider,

I noticed that my car
had a comfort feature

I somehow missed.

I've got an overdrive button!

[Jeremy] Amazing news
from the Le-Seyde, Hammond.

I've got overdrive.

Oh yeah!

[Richard] Welcome to overdrive.

Overdrive!

[Jeremy] In case you're wondering,
overdrive

reduces the noise effectively
when you're on a motorway.

It's kind of like another gear.

So I'm driving along now

at 60 mph

3 and a bit thousand rpm.

I engage overdrive and we drop
to 2,400 rpm.

It just makes it more economical
and quieter.

That's Stalag Luft III.

One kilometre.

James is going to be
genuinely heartbroken if he misses this.

[James] Oh, God, you...

[James] It's completely died.

What a piece of old crap.

[groans]

[James] To get out of everyone's way,
I had to push

the Crosley into the roadworks up ahead.

Even though I was speaking to them
in Italian for some reason...

- Kaput?
- Si.

...they lent me a multi-metre

so that I could take a battery reading.

Right.

Battery's obviously completely dead.

I don't know about the alternator output.

[in polish] What a pile of shit.

[music theme from The Great Escape]

[Jeremy] As James struggled

with his drunken late-night purchase,

we were wandering around the actual site

where, in World War II, 80 prisoners

dug a 110-metre escape tunnel

from under the stove

in one of the huts.

It's a story that was immortalised

in one of the greatest films ever made.

The Great Escape.

[dramatic music]

- See you in Piccadilly.
- Scott's bar.

Right.

Oh!

That's not the one is it?

- [Richard] That stove there?
- [Jeremy] It probably is.

Yes, look, look, look.

That's where the tunnel went down

and then over to the trees.

And actual people actually dug a tunnel
out of here.

- [Jeremy] Charles Bronson.
- [Richard] No, I mean...

- Gordon Jackson.
- No, real... they're actors, Jeremy.

[Richard] Oh! Look at this.

These are the trollies
for moving stuff along.

Look, that's the actual thing that
Charles Bronson got stuck on.

That wasn't... That was... OK.

[Jeremy] Here we go, look.

There's some pictures
of the actual people.

James Garner, Steve McQueen,

- Donald Pleasance.
- [Richard] No, again, this is from...

[Jeremy] Look, that's a real photograph
taken with Dickie Attenborough.

We're going to have to sort out
the blurring of fact and fiction there.

A lot of what was told in the movie
happened

- but that wasn't it happening.
- Look!

- Gordon Jackson and Dickie Attenborough.
- They didn't film it on the day.

[Richard] I thought it best
to take Jeremy outside,

where we found the monument
that marked the route of Harry,

the codename given to the escape tunnel.

- [Jeremy] Bloody hell, it's miles!
- [Richard] Yeah.

Imagine crawling under here in
a homemade tunnel. And this is sand.

[Richard] Mmh.

[Jeremy] At any moment...

[Richard] Death. In one form or another.

[Jeremy] Incredible.

[Jeremy] We were then joined
by a guide.

How deep was Harry?

It was actually between 8 and 9 metres,

- which is 30 feet.
- Metres?

9 metres, which is actually roughly
the size of the tree.

[Richard] Yeah!

- [Jeremy] That's 30 feet.
- Why that deep?

There was a reason.

The camp was called an escape-proof camp,

which means the Germans put underground
microphones around the camp

to detect any kind of tunnel.

- So they had to go deeper than those.
- Deeper than the microphones.

I'm staggered. I cannot believe

how long it is and I can't believe
how deep it was.

[Jeremy] We then started wondering

why they dug it because the prison camp

was actually more like a holiday camp.

- [Jeremy] A swimming pool?
- [guide] Yep. That's the one.

- [Jeremy] No way I'd escape!
- [Richard] No, me neither.

- There was a proper hockey ring here.
- What?

[Richard] What?

There was a huge sports field
right behind those trees.

And during the winter,
they built a huge hockey ring.

They had a sports pitch,
a swimming pool...

- A library.
- A library.

- A theatre.
- What?

A theatre.

Are you sure it wasn't people
trying to tunnel in?

- Yeah.
- [laughter]

[Jeremy] The guide showed us
what he meant by a theatre.

- [Richard] Oh my God!
- [Jeremy] No!

[guide] 350 seats, orchestra, pits,
stage, backstage...

- Was it built as a theatre?
- Built as a theatre.

I thought you meant it would be a shed
that they used as a theatre.

[Jeremy] Like It Ain't Half Hot, Mum.
God all bloody mighty!

[Jeremy] If I'd been made to fight
in the war,

I'd have got myself captured.

[guide] You know what they say,
"We don't care how comfortable

camp will be, we'll still escape."

- It was their duty, they had to escape.
- They did.

[Richard] Having said our goodbyes...

[Richard] Absolutely fascinating.
Thank you for filling in the gaps.

- [guide] My pleasure.
- [Richard] It was really good.

[Richard] ...we got back on the move.

[Richard] That was incredible.

That was genuinely top 10
most interesting things I've ever seen,

places I've ever been.

It turns out road trips no one has ever
thought of doing before

are worth having a go at,
once you've thought of them.

And chosen the right car - which I have.

[James] Ahhh!

[James] Having missed
the prisoner of war camp,

I had at least got the Crosley
going again.

I was beginning to wonder why I bothered.

I did 300 miles yesterday.

The schedule for today calls
for another 300 miles.

There's 1,100 miles still to go.

4 times as far nearly
as I've gone already,

with this noise.
I don't think I can do it.

- [horns tooting]
- Oh, God!

[classical music on piano]

[Richard] Up ahead,

over a simple Polish lunch,

Jeremy and I discussed

just how much
James was messing up the trip.

You missed the Jesus,
you missed the prison camp,

you missed breakfast.
He's missed lunch.

[Richard] He's going to miss
all the good bits.

We haven't got somebody to talk to about
because he wasn't part of it.

He can't join in with our conversation.
That's no fun.

[groovy music]

[Richard] With Krakow more
than 200 miles away,

we couldn't wait for James.

So we pressed on.

["A Girl Like You"
by Edwyn Collins playing]

[Richard] Resuming once more
our new favorite topic of conversation.

Which Jag had an overdrive?

You could probably get one in a MK2
I think.

I know Triumph did because
the Dolly Sprint had an overdrive.

[James] Good afternoon.

What?

What?

[music continues]

[Jeremy] James May, that's just cheating.

You can't just get in the backup car
and tow your own car on a trailer.

Well, if you have a racehorse, say,

you don't ride it to Aintree,
you put it in a horsebox.

If you have a valuable
classic racing car, you take it

to the racetrack on a trailer.

That's what I'm doing. I'm taking
my valuable car to the next event.

I don't want to be rude, old chap,

but you're making
a complete hash of this.

[he laughs]

[Jeremy] The thing
I'm most interested in is

how bad must the Crosley have been
for you to get into a car

with "Titties 'n' Beer"
written on the side of it?

[James] Well, it's a very good point and
I did give it a great deal of thought.

I've decided I can deal with it.

[Jeremy] After a long drive,
we eventually arrived in Krakow.

Which it turns out is one
of Europe's absolute gems.

[romantic music]

[Jeremy] One of the most cultured places
probably in the world.

[Richard] Yeah.

I wouldn't want to arrive here in a car
that says "Titties 'n' Beer".

That's for sure.

[Richard] Art, music, architecture,
titties and beer.

[James] I'm aware of all this, thank you.

[he laughs]

Please don't let that woman look round.

I'll pretend I'm scratching my face
because I'm in deep thought.

[James] We've always had quite a few fans

in Poland.

I was hoping that our popularity
had faded.

Sadly however...

[conversations overlapping]

Hello.

[James] Mercifully, we were soon able

to leave the cars because Jeremy
was keen

to visit what he said was the best thing

in the world.

- [Jeremy] Hello. Can we have 3 tickets?
- [man] Yes.

[Jeremy] There we are. Lovely.

I've never been to a waxworks museum.

[Jeremy] And what a way it was for
Hammond to pop his waxwork cherry.

[Richard] Oh, there's a...

[they laugh]

James, that's really cruel. Stop it.

The people who run the place
will be bloody hurt.

[James laughs]

- [Jeremy] OK, it's not funny.
- [James] No, it's not.

[they laugh]

He is pushing out a whopper.

[Richard] He is definitely shifting

a big sturdy breakfast.

[Richard] Good lord!

[they laugh]

I didn't know you could stand...

[James] "I'd like ein Volk... Oh,
I'm sorry, I've fallen over backwards."

[Richard] Why is he leaning...

I've never seen him
with his tie like that.

He was very smartly dressed
as a general rule.

I think this has been
willfully treated poorly.

[Richard] I'm seeing brilliant things
in Poland.

[they laugh]

- [James] What the bloody hell is that?
- [Richard] Good Lord!

We know what it is because we've got
the helpful symbol on the wall.

[Jeremy] Having seen all the pop icons,

we moved into what we assumed
was a motoring area.

Is it you?

[Richard] No, it's not.

It is, it's you.

- It's Sylvester Stallone.
- [Jeremy] I thought it was you.

Guess who it is.

[Jeremy] Erm...

[Jeremy] George Lazen... I don't know.

- [James] Is it, bollocks!
- [they laugh]

Who the hell's that?

- Is that Keira Knightley?
- [Richard] I think it is.

That's not even an approximation
of Keira.

I would love to see Keira Knightley
standing next to that.

I'd like to see the real Keira Knightley
walking around Krakow.

Nobody would ask for her autograph.
They'd say: "That's not Keira Knightley.

It looks nothing like her."

[Jeremy] After what may or not may have
been the Doctor Who zone,

we entered an area of great mystery.

[Richard] Spooky woods.

[Jeremy] Some of the decoration
is tremendous.

[James] Everything is good,
apart from the waxworks.

[Richard] James May!

[Jeremy] Ryan Reynolds?

- [Richard] That's Paul Walker.
- [Jeremy] Oh.

[Jeremy] In a room

containing what was
probably Elvis Presley...

Oh, for heaven's sake!

[Jeremy] Nigel Mansell.
It isn't though, is it?

[Richard] His mustache matches
his eyebrows. It is.

Why have Nigel Mansell?

[Jeremy] Why not Lewis Hamilton?

[Richard] The reference is a bit
out of date.

- Bless him, but...
- Lando Norris.

George Russell.

[Jeremy] I'm really annoyed about this.

It isn't that it's not very good,
it's the wrong subject.

[James laughs]

[Jeremy] I then had a brainwave.

[Jeremy] I'm going to steal it.

[Jeremy] If we take him away,
they'll be forced to replace it.

With Lewis Hamilton.

Let me put it this way.

We've got many miles to get to Slovenia
and you're driving a terrible car.

- If we had this with us...
- Yeah?

It'd cheer us up.

- [Richard] It would cheer us up.
- [Jeremy] Every time you're feeling low,

sometimes Titties 'n' Beer
was being a bit badly behaved,

you'd just have to look
in your rear wing mirror

and there in my passenger seat...

Is someone who looks
a bit like Nigel Mansell.

Right.

- We're off to...
- No, wait.

- If we all...
- He's doing the talk.

Do the Birmingham accent.
You're from Birmingham.

[in Birmingham accent] "I've had enough
of this. Let's have a drive outside."

Alright, Nigel, we'll take you out.

[accent] "Thanks
for bringing me with you, lads.

I really enjoyed the look
around the museum.

Just what I wanted to see.

That one in London,
it's not as good as this, is it?

I'm doing some racing this afternoon.
I'm dressed and ready.

Mind my 'ead on this beam.
Oh, bugger, I knocked it.

I'll see you later, Paul Walker, mate."

- [they laugh]
- [Richard] Keep going!

[accent] "Oh, I hate Harry Potter.

Absolute bollocks.

Oh, look, lads, wait for us,
I'm coming."

- [Richard] Guys.
- [Jeremy] We can get out this way.

Come, come.

[accent] "That, lads, was an amazing
visit. Thanks for bringing us with yer."

- [James] Oh.
- [Jeremy] Oh.

[James] This is probably
somebody's house.

[Richard] It's possible.
They may be a bit surprised

to find us three and Nigel Mansell in it.

[soothing music]

[James] That night, we stayed in Krakow,

which meant I had time
to exact some revenge

on my colleagues

for putting my car in a restaurant.

[drilling]

[he hums a song]

[Richard] Ready? OK.

- [Jeremy] Lovely.
- [Richard] Where are we going?

Across the road. Across the road.

Lovely. Well done.
Thank you.

[Jeremy] Perfect.

Through the garden.

[James] The next morning,
I retrieved the Crosley

from where Hammond and Clarkson
had left it this time...

[classical music playing]

[engine revving]

...and then waited for their reaction
to what I'd done.

[beep]

How am I going to drive like this?

[romantic music]

[clanging noise]

What's? Oh!

You think you've got problems?

[Jeremy] Morning.

I know, yes. Morning. Morning.

[bell ringing]

Is that coming from your car?

I think it's when I brake.

Yes, it's the brake bell.

[James] A good safety feature.

[Richard] James May!

- [horn]
- You wired my horn into my indicator,

you bastard!

[he laughs]

[horn]

Oh, brilliant!

[bagpipes]

When I put my foot down,
I hear bagpipes.

[he laughs]

[he laughs]

Like my candelabras, Nigel?

[accent] "I like them,
I've a couple in me bathroom."

[upbeat music]

[Jeremy] Soon, we were on the motorway,

heading for our next country,

Slovakia.

Straight away, I noticed two things.

One: Nigel Mansell's face
was starting to melt.

Oh, dear.

And two...

James, you've forgotten your Crosley.

[Jeremy] It's not on the back
of your Titties 'n' Beer car.

Exactly.

I've attached the trailer
to the crew van.

What?

[James] The combination of the hot rod
and that long trailer

with the bouncy little car on
is absolutely lethal.

I'm driving the back-up car.

The back-up car is here
for this eventuality.

[Jeremy] The back-up car
is if your original car

explodes.
It's not because you don't like it.

You can't rewrite the rules
as you go along, to suit you.

Well, I have, as it happens.

[James] To be honest,
even without a trailer attached,

my hot rod experience was not improving.

Where shall I start?

The throttle pedal is actually buried
in the door,

so I have to drive it without
my right shoe on.

But the pedal is razor sharp
and it's digging into my foot.

It's now going numb.

It's got a shirt button
for its steering wheel.

It pulls violently to the right
under braking.

It's baking hot, it's noisy

and it's not even a proper hot rod.

It's got a crappy,
old straight 6 Jag engine.

It's supposed to have a big V8 motor.

[James] Still, unlike the Crosley,

at least it wasn't breaking down
all the time.

[explosion]

[James] Oh, bollocks.

We need to stop.

What?

[car horn]

[Richard] It's steam. It's hot, hot, hot.

[Jeremy] It smells hot.

[groans]

There you go.

- [Jeremy] You know this engine.
- [Richard] I know this engine very well.

They cook the head.

- James?
- Yes?

You've bollocked the job.

[James] It's not over. Let's just
have a bit of a think about it.

I've had a bit of a think.

What I'm thinking is that we've got
a good restaurant booked for lunch.

Yeah.

We're not going to get there if we stand
here looking at this while it cools down.

[Jeremy] With that decided...

- Good luck and everything.
- Good luck.

[Jeremy] ...Hammond and I
got back on the road.

[Richard] I honestly don't know
what happens now.

Nobody's ever broken the back-up car
before.

I think we should get Nigel Mansell
to drive it.

[he laughs]

What do you think, Nigel?

[accent] "I like it actually.

I think it's quite
funny having Titties 'n' Beer

written on the side of a Ford
with a Jag engine in it.

Oh!"

["You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet"
by Bachman Turner Overdrive]

[Jeremy] Disengaging overdrive.

[car engine throbs]

Oh God!

[Jeremy] Richard, Nigel and I waved
a fond farewell to Poland

and crossed over the border
into Slovakia.

Oh!

[music continues]

[James] A break for a wee.
There it is.

Jesus! This is a piece of junk.

[music continues]

[James] Hello.

God, it's a woman.

[James] Thank you so much.
I'm sorry about the car.

I'm either in an offensive hot rod with
Titties 'n' Beer written on the side

or I'm holding everybody up
in the Crosley.

I've never screwed up a film shoot
like I have this one.

[music continues]

[Jeremy] Half a country away,

Richard and I were starting
to feel sorry for James.

So, like the good friends we are,

we hatched a plan to cheer him up.

[tense music]

Here he comes.

[Jeremy] He's got no bonnet.
That's his cooling solution.

- He's suffered.
- I think he has.

- May.
- Hello.

Listen, we can see that you're hot

and bothered and you've missed
another lunch...

- [James] Yeah.
- But don't worry, because...

we've organised a treat for you.

- [James] Some old aeroplanes to look at.
- Yes.

Look at that. A MIG.

Sus, Hind helicopters.

- That's not the treat though.
- No, it's better.

- Much better.
- Better than any of these.

We've arranged a drag race
for your Crosley.

- Sorry, is it a joke?
- [Richard] No.

It will become clear
when you meet the competitors.

- [Jeremy] Follow us.
- See who you're up against.

[car engine]

James, drag race rival number 1.

A Tatra tipper truck.

[Jeremy] Good lorry this.
But heavy. 18 and a half tons.

Rival number 2: a JCB tractor.

[military music]

- This is 12 and a half tons.
- Power?

Pfff...

It's irrelevant, it's the weight
and it's not geared for acceleration.

It's a tractor. Then we have this,
a Velorex 3-wheeler.

Built in the early 60s in what was then
the Soviet Union, for disabled people.

- [James] 400hp.
- [Jeremy] No, 12.

And then,

your final rival in this drag race.

You're racing a man.

[Jeremy] He's called Martin.

Could you look cheerful
about what we've done?

This'll put a spring back in your step.

This is a drag race that you can win
in your Crosley.

[tense music]

[Richard] I'm excited.

He's lucky to have friends like us.

[in Polish] Trzy, dwa, jeden!

[engines revving]

- They're off.
- They're off.

[suspenseful music]

[James] Why am I doing this?

The vehicle for disabled people
made in the Soviet Union

in the early 60s is taking the lead.

Come on.

The JCB is getting well away.

[Jeremy] Look at the man!

[James] Jesus, come on car,
you can do it.

[Jeremy] Here comes the 3-wheeler.

Can James beat the man?

[James] Come on.

[James] You bastard!

- No, he cannot.
- [Richard] No, he hasn't.

[Richard] That's not the confidence boost
we wanted it to be.

Get your face right.

Mate.

That's a bit rude.

He didn't look as happy
as we were hoping.

- It didn't put a spring in his step.
- No.

[soft music]

[James] That night, to thank them

for the drag race, I did more things

to their cars,

which became apparent
first thing the next morning.

[recording in Slovakian] Som impotentný.

Som impotentný.

- What?
- Som impotentný.

- Som impotentný.
- Is it coming from me?

Look at his face.

- [Richard] James?
- What's that saying?

That's for you to find out.

Hang on, Hammond.
Is anyone Slovakian?

- [man] Yeah.
- [Jeremy] Can we borrow you?

Sure.

- [Jeremy] This chap's Slovakian.
- Hello? What is this saying?

[recording] Som impotentný.

Som impotentný.

Oh. I'm impotent.

- Important?
- "Impotent." Let me...

Let me translate it.

- Impotent!
- Yes.

- What?
- [Jeremy] "I'm impotent."

[he laughs]

James May, you are sick!

[upbeat music]

[Jeremy] Still, it could be worse.

Got to be honest,

I'm not going to tell James May,
but I quite like his work.

It gives a good Cruella vibe.

[Jeremy] We could have pressed on south
at this point,

but we decided

to hang around in Slovakia
for a little while longer,

for a very good reason.

Today,
the Audi Q7 is made in Slovakia.

So is the Q8.

So is the VW Touareg,
the Porsche Cayenne,

the Porsche Cayenne coupé,

the Land Rover Defender,
the Land Rover Discovery,

the Peugeot 208 and the VW Up.

They make more cars per head
of population in Slovakia

than any other country in the world.

[romantic music]

[Jeremy] Car-making has always been
in the blood in this part of Europe.

In pre-Soviet times,

Tatra were engineering demi-gods

and they were even better
at aerodynamics.

Even under the stranglehold
of communism,

Skoda turned out handsome sportscars

and rally weapons
that could meet and beat

their well-funded rivals from the west.

And that was just
the stuff we knew about.

In 1957, when communism
in Czechoslovakia

was at its sootiest
and most monochromatic,

a small band of engineers at Skoda,

only about half a dozen of them,

decided to build a car that could race
at Le Mans.

And this is it.

[Jeremy] Although it was designed
as a racing machine,

it was so tightly packaged
that the bonnet had a little dimple

to accommodate the offset cylinder head.

It is, nevertheless,
a thing of exquisite beauty.

[engine roars]

[upbeat music]

[Jeremy] It may only have

1100cc,
and it may only produce 91hp,

but the whole car only weighs
580 kilos.

And at a top speed of 124 mph,

in a car that's no bigger than my bath.

It revs to 8,500 rpm.

[engine revving]

[suspenseful music]

It even handles properly.

The engine is at the front,

but the gearbox is at the back.

Perfect weight distribution.

Well, it did before I got in.
That's changed everything a bit.

I keep thinking the steering wheel
is going to snap.

Look.

That doesn't fill me with confidence,
but we'll gloss over it.

This is the very definition
of a sports car.

This is what Ferrari
should be making today

and Maserati and Alfa Romeo.
Very small,

very light, very fast.
An agile, frantic little car.

I love it. I absolutely love it.

[Jeremy] Sadly, by the time the car
was finished,

the Cold War had become so frigid

that it never went to Le Mans.

Only 2 were ever built.

At this point, I was going to let
Captain Miserable have a go in it.

But then I realised that actually

he was better suited to this.

[thunder]

Built by another Czech carmaker, Praga,

it's called the Bohema.

It weighs less than a ton,
so it's race-car light

and it's propelled
by a Nissan GT-R engine

uprated to produce 720hp.

That means it will reach 190 mph

and go from 0 to 60

in less than 3 seconds.

This thing has got James May
written all over it.

Holy crap!

Ah!

Oh my God!

It has incredible steering.
It doesn't have a wheel, it has a yoke.

Even on a fairly tight circuit,

I never need to move my hand

to that quarter to 3 position.

It obviously has enormous acceleration.

They haven't gone for top speed,

but low weight and agility.

[tyres screech]

It definitely has that.

It's wonderful. Just wonderful.

A million quid. A million of your pounds.

[Jeremy] It does look good though.

[Richard] It's a difficult path to tread.
It's gotta look childish and silly...

- Yes.
- It is.

[Richard] But it looks accomplished
and finished.

The Czechs were always good
at this sort of thing.

They just had to put up with
a slight interruption:

WW2, getting bombed and then
having to live under the Soviets.

[epic music]

- What's that?
- Is that the door?

- That is the door.
- [Jeremy] It's a hatch.

You're right.

I must say this is an impressive piece
of engineering from the Czechs,

but the Slovakians
have now gone one better.

[cosmic music]

[tense music]

- [Richard] It's flying.
- [James] It is.

I've never actually seen that.

[epic music]

[Jeremy] This is the AirCar.
The first flying car ever

to fly between 2 airports
rather than just landing

immediately back where it started.

It can whizz through the air
8,000 feet up at 120 mph

and its maker, Stefan Klein,

reckons he will be able to put it on sale
in a year.

[music continues]

[beep] yes!

Voice of experienced cameraman.

[Richard] Wow!

[James] That car has landed.

Very rarely am I lost for words,
but I'm lost for words.

Honestly, they've always said
ever since we were kids:

"There'll be flying cars one day."
No, there won't!

The important thing to point out
is that's not just a flying car,

it did drive here.

- It arrived by road.
- [Jeremy] Yes!

- [Jeremy] It drove down the motorway.
- [James] And then became an aeroplane.

- [accent] "I wasn't impressed."
- "I don't agree with a flying car."

- "I don't like it all."
- "We don't need both."

Look at his face.

[Richard] Oh dear, don't tell him.

[pop music]

[Jeremy] We then continued
with our road trip

that no one had thought
of doing before...

[music continues]

[Jeremy] Heading south towards Hungary...

[music continues]

[Jeremy] ...with James moaning away

like Nigel Mansell
in the good old days.

[James] The steering wheel's
still too small.

The throttle pedal is still in the floor
and too high off the ground,

the brake's still pulling to the right.

Hammond is: "I've got sunburn."

And Jeremy's saying: "I'm not sure
my A/C is working properly."

[annoyed mimicking]

They've no idea.

[Jeremy] Once inside Hungary,
we received word from Mr Wilman

that we should report here.

This looks grass-track racing to me.

God, it's sticky.

[Richard] It's a country fair.
We'll be made to do Morris dancing.

I got a text from Mr Wilman.

[Richard] What does he say?

I need my glasses, hang on.

[Richard] We're judging
the terrier racing.

"You are going to race in turn
around the track I've set up."

- That's it.
- Yeah.

"The winner is the one who is shot
the least amount of times."

- What?
- [Jeremy] "Shot."

Shot with what?

[Jeremy] Hungary is famous
for the Rubik's Cube

and goulash.

Everyone knows that.

What everyone doesn't know,

is that this country also produces
the world's best archers.

And we'd arrived
at an archery academy,

run by this chap.

[ominous music]

[talks in Hungarian]

[they shout]

[Jeremy] It doesn't feel that sharp.

Would this go in to the car?

[James] It might do.

[Jeremy] There was only one way
to find out.

Find a volunteer

and do our own test.

[accent] "I gather you've got a job
for us.

Here I am. Ready for duty."

[they laugh]

- Right.
- [Jeremy] Move your arm, Nigel.

"I'll stick it in me lap.
No funny business."

[Jeremy] Right, here we go.

[Richard] You're going to fire...

[Jeremy] I'm just saying I don't think
an arrow will go through that.

- But if they miss this...
- Exactly.

- We'll be there.
- I know.

OK.

[Jeremy] What if it bounces back
and gets me in the eye?

- [Jeremy] Oh!
- [Richard] Oh my Lord!

- And that was you doing it.
- That was a bit worrying.

Oh shit!

[Richard, with an accent] "Oh, lads,
I've got an arrow in me 'ead."

[Jeremy sighs]

[Richard] They're pretty good.

[Jeremy] The point I'm trying to make

is that James May, at a range of 20 feet,
missed the target. Right?

- And that was a stationary target.
- Yes, but...

We're going to be driving along.

[Jeremy] To make things worse,

another text then arrived from Mr Wilman.

"The archers will be shooting at you

whilst riding horses."

We'll be moving as the target,
but they'll be moving

- themselves on horses.
- Yes.

On an animal which is scared by
paper bags, wind, rain, sunshine,

gravel, door knobs,

- crisp packets...
- [James] Dogs.

You're riding along,
"I'm just lined up on the target",

and the horse sneezes or bucks
or does something.

- Arrow in your face.
- Well, look.

I know.

[James] I'm well aware of it.

[Jeremy] Up at Mr Wilman's track,

things had gone a bit
Game of Thrones-ish.

[dramatic music]

[horses neigh]

[war music]

[Jeremy] After a long discussion
between Hammond and I,

it was decided
that James should go first.

In 3, 2, 1, begin!

[Jeremy] James' tactic was to go slowly.

Because he had no choice.

Here comes a horseman.

[horses neigh]

- [clanking]
- Ah!

I heard that.

- [clanking]
- Argh!

And that.

- [clanking]
- God, that is proper sca...

- Argh! Argh!
- [clanking]

- [clanking]
- Argh! Argh!

[James] Argh!

[the archers shout]

[clanking]

[James] Stop!

James May
has become a porcupine.

[James] Argh!

Oh, God, let me go across the line.

Oh!

[Richard] Oh dear!

1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

- [Richard] 6.
- [Jeremy] 6.

7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14.

Your score, James May, is 14
and you are alive.

[epic music]

[Jeremy] Hammond was up next.

3, 2, 1, goodbye.

[Jeremy] Unlike James,
he had a choice of speeds.

[man] Ow!

He's making dust.
He's hoping he'll be invisible

in his dust cloud.

Oh my God!
That's firing straight at...

God above!
[screams]

Didn't like that.

[Jeremy] Although some arrows
found their mark...

Hammond's speed
and power did seem to work.

[James] Only 1 on this side.
Bit disappointing.

- It broke though.
- It broke.

[James] He's only got 7.

4, 5, 6, 7.

[James] But then...

[James] Ah! Wait a minute.

[Jeremy] Wait a minute.
One of your targets fell off.

- [Jeremy] What was it? 7?
- Plus those 3.10.

You dropped a target before the end
so he gets a penalty of 4,

which means 14,
so its neck and neck.

Are these the international regulations
for this?

You can't just randomly give me...

- [accent] "I agree as well."
- There you go. 3 to 1.

You can't bring Nigel in to this.

[Jeremy] He just has.

So that's 14, 14.
14 to beat.

- [Richard] J. Clarkson, are you ready?
- Not happy, but ready.

3, 2, 1, go!

[Jeremy] Perhaps because they were
distracted by the sheer beauty of my car,

Ouch! Christ!

the archers fired more arrows
at the bodywork

than the targets.

In the windscreen.

Make it end!

[Jeremy] Although this would guarantee

a winning score,

team Le-Seyde

paid a heavy price.

Nigel Mansell's head has come off.

[Richard, with an accent] "Now look
what you've done."

[accent] "I've been shot in the cheek
with an arrow.

And now me 'ead's come off."

- Can we add up your hits?
- 1, 2,

3,

6.

You've won.

I've lived. Nigel has been decapitated.

And my candelabra is in tatters.

And that is a sentence
nobody's ever said before.

[groovy music]

[Jeremy] The next morning,
we all turned off our phones

so Mr Wilman couldn't text us anymore

and headed for our final country.

Slovenia.

[Jeremy] OK, I've repaired
my chandeliers,

but most importantly,

I've surgically reattached Nigel's head.

[accent] "You lads have a life, you do.
I'll tell you that for nothing."

[Jeremy] Meanwhile,
James in the hot rod again,

was back in moan mode.

God, I hate it!

It's noisy, it's ugly,

it smells,

I've offended women everywhere.

I'm going to say

and it's a big field of competitors,

this is the worst car
I've ever driven on TV.

Actually in my life.

It's not even fast.

The biggest number I've seen
on that speedo

is 70 and I know that's only about 64.

That's it.

[Jeremy] Soon, we entered Slovenia,
where we were immediately distracted

by the scenery.

[enthralling music]

Jesus! That is spectacular.

Holy cow!

[Jeremy] Soon we realised that
these mountains weren't just beautiful.

They could be useful too.

Useful in helping us find out
if James' hot rod

was as slow as he claimed.

How fast have you managed to make
the hot rod go while you were driving it?

- Maybe 65 miles an hour.
- 65. OK.

Let's see now what it can achieve
in the hands of a master.

Here he comes now.

[accent] "Let's see the dog getting
the rabbit. What's going on here?

"There's only one fellow for
this job, me, with an arrow in me face.

Ready to go.

Now you've got a world champion
in what you've got here."

Nigel, you've got your straight six.
But to give you a bit more oomph,

we've added some extra gravity.

[dramatic music]

65 mph to beat on one run.
There's a speed readout over there,

which is connected to a speed trap.

[Jeremy with an accent] "I'll blow
the doors off the speed reader.

Watch this car control."

- [Jeremy] You ready, Nige?
- [Richard with an accent] "Ready."

3, 2, 1, go!

- [Jeremy] he's under way.
- [Richard] So long, lads!

- [Jeremy] Nigel!
- [Richard] Keep right!

[Jeremy] Even though the impact

had knocked all of Nigel's hair out,

he managed to regain control.

And he smashed
James' speed record.

But sadly, the hot rod was a write-off.

[Jeremy] I haven't seen a car this
damaged since James drove in to a tunnel.

- [Richard] Well, that is...
- [James] It's pretty bent.

Nigel, you did 89.14 mph.
25 mph faster than I've ever been.

[Richard with an accent] "I don't care.
I am resigning.

I hate this gig, it's uncomfy.
There's no dignity in this."

[Jeremy] He's only been working with us
for about 3 days.

People will say: "Remember when Mansell
was with... He didn't last long."

We'd better apologise to the owners
of the ski resort.

- Sorry about that.
- Sorry.

- Sorry.
- Sorry.

[rock music]

[Jeremy] We got back on the road,
a little sad that Nigel had quit.

On the plus side,

we were now just 60 miles
from the finish line at Lake Bled.

And our colleague

was smiling again.

Hello again, old chum.

Very, very nice to be back with you.

I hope I didn't say anything bad
about you. If I did, I didn't mean it.

- [gear stick screeching]
- Oh!

Hang on.

Don't stop.

[Richard] Sensing the little scamp
was up to its old tricks,

Jeremy and I took our leave.

Crosley's splashing.
There it is.

Bye.

[rock music]

[Richard] I'm very, very keen
to get to Lake Bled before it gets dark,

because I've heard
it's unbelievably beautiful

and given what we've seen today,

standards are high to start with.

[car horn toots]

[Richard] We ate up the miles
on silk smooth roads,

drinking in the "Sound of Music"
backdrop.

As the sun was setting,

we finally reached our destination.

Oh my Lord!

[enthralling music]

- [Richard] That delivers.
- [Jeremy] Does it ever.

[Richard] If you painted that as a scene,
and presented it to someone,

they'd say: "You've overdone it."

[Jeremy] "You can't have 2 churches,
one on an island and one there

and a castle on a rock.
Nowhere in the world looks like that."

[Richard] It's fabulous.

[Jeremy] I love the colour
of melted glacier water.

[Richard] That is beautiful,
beautiful scenery.

We could wait here for James

or we could go and find a bar
or a restaurant.

With a view...

[Jeremy] That looks at that
and have a cheeky beer.

I favour that option,
because as a team,

66.6% of us will have enjoyed a beer
while looking at that.

[calm music]

[Richard] Sadly, Captain Slowly

didn't arrive until after
it had gone dark.

So it ate half a pig,
but it only had 3 legs.

- So it...
- Mate!

- [James] Evening.
- We all made it!

[Richard] Welcome. Nice to see you.

- [Jeremy] You're here.
- I am.

You've done a job.
We've done a thing.

We've done well. Conquered it.

The only drawback is,
sorry to have to tell you,

that view, Lake Bled - isn't it,
Hammond? - is unbelievable.

"View" doesn't cover it.
It's like a feast...

He said his eyes have indigestion.

They couldn't consume any more of it.

I love a lake, but nothing rivals this.
It's a shame you missed it.

- I'll see it in the morning.
- Ah!

Mmh. A bit of a problem with that.

- We've had a text.
- Mr Wilman?

[Richard] Yes.

The plane leaves tomorrow morning
at 8 o'clock.

But it's about, in your car,
two and a half hours away.

You need to leave a good hour
when you check-in.

- So...
- We've worked this out.

Have you?

- There's no more view to look at.
- You have to leave at half past four.

- Really?
- This is where it gets unfortunate.

- You've missed it this evening.
- Yes.

- Because it's dark.
- Yes.

But you'll miss it in the morning,
it's even more dark.

So I'm going to go to bed.

That's a shame again
because we had a delicious

- spaghetti bolognese.
- That's fine. See you in the morning.

[Jeremy] See you...

- See you at the airport.
- It'll be dark.

[Richard] I want to remind myself of this
before we go.

[car engine starts]

[James] The next morning, I was
on my way before the sun came up.

Come on, metal bastard.
I've even got my Crosley T-shirt on.

Let's go.

I'd actually got up earlier
than I needed to.

Because I wanted to leave

a present for the Smug Brothers
who'd seen everything on this trip

while I'd seen nothing.

[gentle music]

[Jeremy] That has got to be May.

[Richard] That is next level!

[Richard] That is really...

Oh!

Oh, he's done me.

- [Jeremy] What?
- He's done me as well.

Oh... he is evil.

He's also an idiot.
I've got 2 spares on my front wings.

I'll have a wheel. It's a pickup.
There's bound to be one.

Dammit!

These are fake.
There are no wheels in them.

[Richard] What, your wheel things?

[Richard laughs]

Like your manifolds,
there's no wheels in it.

[Jeremy] Where's your spare?

[Richard] I haven't got one.

Where's he bloody put them?

[Jeremy] We haven't got time for this.

[Jeremy] Then, we found them.

[Jeremy] Oh!

[Richard] Oh, my God!

[Jeremy] Worst still, powered craft
are banned on Lake Bled,

so to get our wheels back
we'd have to commandeer a rowing boat.

Oh [beep] hell!

[Richard] This is like
Swallows and Amazons, only crap.

Right.

I'm facing the wrong way.

- I need directions, Hammond.
- Er, yes.

[Richard] Right hand down. I don't know,
I'm facing the other way.

- [Richard] Left hand down a bit.
- [Jeremy] What?

[funky music]

[James] Welcome back.

I think I'm going to make it,
if nothing goes wrong

with the fine car.

I am, I wish to remind you,
in the lead.

724cc, 75 years old

and here I am... winning.

[Jeremy] Bullshit!
I've gone in the swimming area.

[Jeremy] Having offloaded Hammond
into the other boat,

we eventually reached
the dock with our wheels.

- [Richard] We've wasted 45 minutes.
- I'm aware of that.

[Richard] No, don't... I can't hold it
at an angle.

[splashing]

Breaking, buffeting, weaving...

Thank you.

What a fine car this is, this fine car.

[Jeremy] Luckily for us, wheels float,

so, after a bit more faff...

[Richard] Go!

[Jeremy] ...we were finally on the road.

[bagpipes]

Bagpipes,

serious speed is called for.
6 litres of V8,

that'll get me there.

[Jeremy] Job 1: catch James May

and run him off the road.
Job 2: catch the plane.

[tense music]

Temperature is constant,
all pressure is good.

This car has only one remaining job.

With as many years on it, it just has to
get me to the airport. That is all.

[engine roaring]

[Jeremy] Listen to that.

- [car revving]
- Crisp power.

Yes!

[Richard] Right. I'm on the hunt.

[James] Up ahead,

I was now facing
the Crosely's number 1 enemy:

a hill.

Oh, God!

I'm down to 15 mph.

Come on!

[suspenseful music]

[Richard] Roll it in.

[tyres screeching]

[Jeremy] Hauling him in
through the corners.

[music continues]

[tyres screeching]

Ha! Look what I've found.

[James] Come on!

[bagpipes]

Sorry, mate.
Gotta be done.

There we are.
James May missed Jesus,

he missed the POW camp,

every single lunch and dinner
on the entire road trip

and now he's going to miss the plane.

[Jeremy] And a mile or so later...

[Richard] Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

I've got the oil light on,
temperature light on,

every light is on.

I'm overheating.

I'm sorry?

[Richard] I've got all sorts of lights
coming on. I'll have to stop.

Oh, dear.

[engine revving]

[Jeremy] And then there was one.

[he laughs]

[James] Oh!

Having a spot of bother?

Oh!

Shouldn't rejoice, but hahaha!

[Richard] Oh, God!

I think the problem is... I don't think,
I know what the problem is.

The electric fan hasn't been running.

[Jeremy] As it turned out, the airport
was just a couple of miles

from where Hammond had broken down.

Here it is. Aerodrome.

[throbbing music]

I'll have their lunch, their drinks
and then stretch out across their seats.

[Jeremy] However, Mr Wilman's plane
was not what I was expecting.

[suspenseful music]

[Jeremy] That is... Jesus!

[Jeremy] And clearly,
it was already taxiing.

Shit!

Look, the ramp's down.

The ramp is down.
The ramp is down!

[action music]

A lot of jet wash.

Lots of jet wash.

I'm on!

I'm off again.

Go for second.

Come on!

Back wheels.

Jesus!

[tyres screeching]

Jeez!

Holy shit! Are you kidding?

[action music]

Come on, car.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Go on!

Argh!

It's getting away.

Coming through!

[Richard] Aha!

You bastard!

That was a bit late.

[car engine revving]

[James] I've got to do it this time.

No, windscreen wipers.
For God's sake!

[Richard] Here he comes.

Here he comes.

[James groans]

I can't do it.

Shoot me! Shoot me, Hammond!

Come on!

Here I come.

[James] Yeah!

[engine stops]

Dead?

It won't start.

Come on in, James.

- [James] It won't go.
- [Jeremy] We can't take off like that.

Argh!

Ooh!

Oh, Jesus. Come on, car,
you can do it.

[engine revving]

[epic music]

[Richard] Come on, James!

It's a good job
the runway is 26 miles long.

I'm pleased about that.

It's longer than that one
in Fast and Furious.

Much longer!

[epic music]

Buffeting. Buffeting.

Argh!

Yes!

[Richard] Oh, my Lord!

Wow.

- James May caught the plane!
- Welcome aboard!

Thank you.

- We did it!
- We all did it!

- We did a thing.
- That was extraordinary.

[Richard] Err...

[Jeremy] Oh, God, I know what...

We've just driven on to an airplane
that just landed.

- I've got a text.
- What?

- It's from Mr Wilman.
- [Jeremy] Mmh-mmh.

It says: "Do you want coffees?
I'm at the BA check-in."

- It's in there, isn't it?
- There.

So everything we just did
was nothing to do with this trip?

No, it wasn't.

And on that terrible disappointment,

it's time to end.
Thank you so much for watching.

See you next time.

- [Richard] Somebody's going to be cross.
- [Jeremy] Yeah.

[upbeat music]