The Grand Tour (2016–…): Season 4, Episode 3 - The Grand Tour Presents: Lochdown - full transcript

[Jeremy] Hello and welcome
to The Grand Tour,

which is not coming
to you this time
from the top

of a volcano or the bottom
of the sea.

No. We are in
Berwick-upon-Tweed,

the most northerly town
in England.

And our mission is to
set off across the border

and then drive all the way
across Scotland

to the Outer Hebrides.

Now, this promises to be

one of the most
beautiful drives
we have ever done.

And on the way,



we will be attempting
to answer a very
important question.

Yeah. It's this...

In Europe we listen
to American music,

we buy American clothes,
we drink American beer,

we wear American sunglasses.

But American cars
have never caught on.

Why?

To try and find out,
each of us bought
an American car.

And this is what I chose,

a 19-foot-long
Lincoln Continental Mark V.

Remember Jock Ewing
out of Dallas?

He had one of these.

Fat Frank Cannon,
the TV detective,

he had something very similar,



a Mark IV, basically the same.

And what this means is,
is that when I was growing up,

I would see a Lincoln
on TV every week

and then I'd turn
to my dad and say,

"Dad, can we have
a Ford Cortina?"

Why didn't I want
one of these?

Why didn't he?

Ooh, hello.

It's a... a Buick Riviera.

Oh, yeah!

With a...
with a self-opening boot.
Shall I shut that?

When did that happen?

-Just now as you pulled up.
-Yeah, okay,

that's a feature of the model.
This is the legendary

1971 Buick Riviera,
the boattail.

What?

No, I'm just...
I'm just... I'm stunned.

Well, no, the thing is,
is we said,

"Why did American cars
not catch on in Europe?"

Yeah.

Did this even
catch on in America?

Well, that's the thing.
You see, the Riviera

was Buick's answer
to the Ford Thunderbird.

So from '63
they were making Rivieras.
And it was doing well.

They were selling quite a few,

-not as many as
the Thunderbird.
-Yeah.

So in '71 they said,
"Let's make something
really striking."

Really new,
really out there.

And they made this
and everybody hated it.

[Jeremy laughs]

[Richard] Literally!

Their advertising material said,
"It's like nothing else."

And Americans went,
"Good." [chuckles]

But... Jock Ewing,
Fat Frank Cannon,
celebrity all over it.

[Richard clears throat]

Clint Eastwood.

-Really?
-Jeff Bridges.

-Really?
-Yes.

What, they both had this?

-Bruce Willis.
-Bruce... Really?

-So, Frank and Jock?
-Yes.

Bruce, Clint and Jeff?

[Richard] Yes!

And we still ran around
in Europe going,

"I don't know,
shall we have
an Allegro or...

We had an Allegro Estate,
when this existed!

What do you
suppose May's got?

No, let me rephrase that.

What sort of Cadillac
do you suppose
May's bought?

[Jeremy] Eventually...

after 20 feet of waiting,

we got the answer.

The car now arriving
at platforms four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine and ten...

-May?
-Yes, sir?

We guessed you'd
have a Cadillac.

Not just a Cadillac.
This is a Cadillac
Coupe DeVille.

-[Jeremy] Is it?
-[James] The Cadillac
of Cadillacs.

Honestly, driving this,
I feel like Elvis Presley.

What, dead on a lavatory?

-[snorts]
-[laughs]

Oh my God,
how much burgundy
can you get in one car?

It's like an American
motel room.

They must have scraped out
all the burgundy mines
in the world.

[chuckles] "What color
shall we make the seats?"

-[Jeremy] Burgundy.
-[Richard] "What about
the dash there?"

-[Jeremy] Burgundy.
-[Richard]
"Ooh, good idea."

But... the switch,
the button on the end
of the cruise control stalk...

-[Richard] Burgundy
-[James] ...is burgundy.

[laughter]

I was hoping you
wouldn't notice that.

[Jeremy]
Has it fallen off?

Well, I'm gonna
have to admit to
being a bit of a clot.

I was driving here
and I noticed in my mirror

this piece of debris
flying away down the road.

And I actually
thought to myself,
"Do you know what?

That's remarkable.

That piece of debris
is the same burgundy

-as my car."
-[laughs]

But without
actually thinking,

-"I wonder if it
came from it?"
-[Richard] Oh!

I tell you what
we should do,

have a game
of Top Trumps.

Engine?

-Yes?
-[James] Mm-hmm?

6.6-liter V8.

-Aw, that's cute!
-6.6...

-What? It's not cute--
-What does it use to
drive the car along?

Is that what
starts the engine?

Well, how big's
the engine in yours?

[Richard] 7.5.

-[James] 7.5 liters?
-7.5-liter V8!

[James] Whooph!

Go on!

8.2.

[Richard] Eight?

[James] 8.2 liters.

This is the biggest V8
ever fitted to a production car.
8.2 liters.

[Jeremy] All right, then.
[clears throat]

This is more efficient,
obviously.

How many horsepower?

-Mine?
-Mm-hmm.

[clears throat] Hundred
and ninety.

I don't think
horsepower matters.

-How many horsepower?
-One hundred and eighty-one.

-That's it?
-Yes.

-From 6.6 liters.
-[clears throat]

I don't know
how they did that.

My seven-and-a-half-liter
V8 lump developed
250 horsepower.

-Two hundred and fifty?
-[Richard] Yeah.

So that's a rocket ship.

[Jeremy] Eager to begin
our important journey
of discovery,

we fired up
the 10,000-pound Lincoln,

the 17,000-pound Buick

and Mount Burgundy

and set off.

This is it.

[rock music playing]

Scottish border.
We're entering McScotland.

[Richard] This is
a homecoming for this car

because Mr. Buick
of Buick was Scottish.

You're going home!

Jeremy Clarkson,
are you aware

that your car appears to be
talking as it goes along?

[rattling]

[Jeremy]
No, I'm unaware of that.

The front bumper is 17 miles
in front of where I'm sitting.

We powered along,
dumbstruck

at what we'd
missed out on
in our childhoods.

I seem to remember
that in 1970,

the heater was
an optional extra
in an Austin.

The heater was.

Whereas this has got
electrically adjustable seats,

electric windows,
electric quarter light,

cruise control... I mean,
the Starship Enterprise
didn't have cruise control.

I mean, look at this,
automatic climate control.

You can set it
on economy settings

or an auto setting,
or bi-level.

I mean, bi-level.

We wouldn't have even
known what that meant.

I mean, if somebody
had showed me a window

that moved about using
electricity in the 1970s,

I'd have fainted.

Check out my lights!

I've got garage doors
for my headlights.

What would my childhood
have been like

if I'd wafted about
in the back of
one of these

instead of a Ford Anglia
with a hole in the floor?

My dad would have
been my absolute hero.

I'd have had a bright
and sunny outlook.

Yeah...

[Jeremy] As we approached
the outskirts of Edinburgh,

we were honored with
the traditional local welcome.

McRaining now.
That's predictable.
We've been in Scotland

for, what, 20 minutes?

Presumably
the Scottish police can't say
"You're nicked, sunshine"

because nobody would know
what that meant.

[laughs]

[squeaking]

Not good.
The news is not good.

[Jeremy] We then
decided to head
for the city center

to see how our cars
would cope

with the steep
and narrow cobbled streets.

Wait a minute.

Oh, my God!

[gears grinding]

This cannot be done.

The issues with
my bovine differential
soon caused another problem.

[Richard] That's me.
That's me boiling over.

Chaps, I am
boiling over.

[Jeremy] Crikey.
It's like John in Mongolia.

After I'd finally
conquered the hill,

Hammond topped up
with some precious
Scottish water.

And wondering how
Frank Cannon ever
solved anything,

we resumed our journey
through the city center.

[Jeremy] Oh, God above.
You see what's ahead
of us here?

Yep. Right.

Mm, that is a bit
bum-squeaky there, Clarkson.

[man speaking indistinctly]

How close am I
to that wall?

About that.

[Jeremy] Um,
right, I'm going to admit,

my car's a little bit
too big for Edinburgh.

I think we can
put this down

to Edinburgh's fault
rather than the cars.

[Jeremy] No chance.

What if...
we temporarily
move this bin?

[grunts and groans]

So if I back up now...

-If you back up now...
-Yes.

...you can swing around,
you can just push...

-Mine's boiling!
-Oh, sh... It is.

[James] Oh dear, oh dear.

[Richard] Oh, no.

[Jeremy] It's singing
the song of death.

[Richard] Oh. Oh.

[radiator humming loudly]

Stand back.

[hums the same note
as Richard's car radiator]

[Jeremy] Leaving Hammond
to scour Scotland
for more water,

I squeezed through the gap

and went off
to get us all
a zesty drink.

Wooph.

Right. All right,
what's happened here,
is my door

is stopping
my door opening.

How's that happened?
Why is it doing this to me?

How did Frank Cannon get in?
I can't get in.
[grunts and groans]

[woman laughing]

Smooth. [groans]

Beautiful.

Yeah, it was because we...
It wasn't blocking the step...

Yeah, but that was...
It was further
along that way.

-Was it?
-That was further back
and this was... Yeah...

I think the other one
was in front of this one.

-Oh, just put it
that way and...
-It was.

How am I gonna...

I can't...

Oh, sh...

The whole end
has come off.

[sighs]

Having established
that American cars

do have some issues
in city centers,

we headed back
to a three-lane highway.

Whoa!
Cool bridge with mist.
Look at that!

And soon we arrived
at the location for
our second test.

Scotland's Nurburgring.

It's Brickyard, it's Monza.

The fearsome Knockhill.

The idea is very simple.

We shall use a Scottish car
to set a benchmark time
round the track

and then we'll try
and beat it in our two-door
V8 sports coupes.

The only problem we have
is which Scottish car
shall we use?

The rear-engine
911-style Imp?

The Talbot? The Avenger?

The AC three-liter ME?
Or perhaps the little Scamp?

It's a smorgasbord
of excellence, that is.
It really is.

After much head-scratching,
we settled on the hot Hillman.

And strapped an old friend
into the driving seat.

Right, here we go.
It's a flying lap.
This is what we're timing.

What we've got here is
a 1.5-liter big-valve engine.

Lowered front suspension,
heavy-duty rear suspension,
93 horsepowers.

Top speed?
108 miles an hour.

[James] It needs more gears.

-It does!
-[laughter]

Yeah, I'd say...
I'd say that's what
it's lacking.

That is the cream
of Scottish excellence
in the 1970s.

Here she comes.

Abbie crossed the line
with a time of 1:13.98.

And then,
with the stopwatch reset,

I unleashed my slab
of Detroit heavy metal.

Building up to cross
the start-finish line,

I'm hoping,
at about 70 miles an hour.

Didn't make it.
Sixty-eight. That'll do.

Turning in now.

Oh, Christ.

Oh, I've fallen onto
the passenger seat
slightly there.

That's one of the...
Oh, heavens!

I'm now...

I'm now rolling through there.

Oh, no, I may have
just slightly gone off.
But I'm back on again.

Oh, no, my seat
has collapsed.

Whoa!

A lot of...
A lot of lock.

Come on. Speed!
Now and power.

75! That was nearly 80!

After this festival
of roll and understeer,

we figured James'
8.2-liter Cadillac
would be faster.

However...

[chuckling] Come on!

I can't believe
an engine this big
can bog down.

[Jeremy] This issue,
coupled with James'
leisurely cornering style...

It says "brake."
I will follow that advice.

...and his legendary
memory for track layout...

What happens here?
I can't quite remember.

...didn't result
in the hottest of laps.

Nice.

[Jeremy] So,
with Carroll Shelby's
work done,

it was up to the Buick
to make America great again.

Pulling a mighty
70 miles an hour.

And across
the line to start.

Let's just roll it in.

[whooping, laughs]

Ooh, quite a lot
of understeer.

It looks like
an American car in the movies,
which is exactly what I wanted.

Ooh, I've... Yeah.

[Richard]
With our laps complete,

it was time to see whether
American firepower

had beaten
the Scottish Hillman.

[Jeremy] The time
we have to beat...

-Yes?
-[Jeremy] 1:13.98.

Mm-hmm.

-James May...
-Yes?

1:31.99.

Seventeen,18 seconds slower
than a Hillman Avenger.

And you had...

-nearly seven liters more?
-Yes.

I did it in 1:21.47.

-Oh, dear.
-Richard Hammond...

Yes?

1...

-18...
-Oh!

...point 77.

[James] What does that prove?

Well, it's interesting.
I thought mine would be
faster than that.

I didn't think mine
would be faster.

Well, you weren't
driving very quickly.

Well, it's as quickly
as it would go.

And it's a comfortable...
It's just comfortable.

You've got one dial in your car
which is a speedometer.

-Yes.
-Which is the one thing
you don't need.

-[chuckles]
-Yes.

Well, so the car
doesn't need it.

[Richard] Not interested
in that one!

But what I find funny,

it is the first track I think
you've ever driven around

extensively
and not hit anything.

-[James] Yes!
-God, I didn't.

And your car is
the correct way up.
I think we can all...

-Thank you.
-We can all applaud that.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Richard Hammond.

Many years we've done this
and... I'm delighted to...

Normally, a paramedic
would now be cutting off
his trousers...

-[Richard] Yeah.
-...and he'd be going
to the hospital--

-[imitates ambulance]
-I'd be on the phone
to his wife,

-"Hi, Mindy.
Yeah, I know, I..."
-Again.

-"He's done it again."
-[phone pings]

Oh.

A text from Mr. Wilman.

Um... "Apparently
there's some kind of
virus going round."

-Oh, no, so...
-Well, where's he been?

Somebody's let him
see a newspaper again,
haven't they?

[Jeremy laughs]

It is dangerous
when he reads the news.

Oh...

"You are not able to
stay in a hotel this evening.

I have therefore found you
alternative accommodation
at the track."

Where?

Oh, dear...

[Richard] It might be fun,
a bit of caravanning.

[Jeremy]
Once we'd settled in,

we sat down to
a traditional Scottish dinner
prepared by our resident chef.

-[Richard] What is it?
-[James] Pork chop. That's...

-What's that there?
-That's peas.

What's this?

That's a carrot...
I think.

-Well, thank you very much...
-What, a deep-fried carrot?

-Yes.
-This isn't a carrot!

It's a sausage!

Oh, it's... Oh,
maybe it is a sausage.

There was a sausage
in there somewhere.

[muffled] Mm.
All right, isn't it?

I can feel myself
getting healthier.

-Mm.
-Yeah

-My heart is saying "thank you."
-What are the peas like?

-The peas?
-Well, the...

It's a...
It's a unit of peas.

[Richard] Oh, yeah.

Well, it makes it
a lot easier to eat.

-It does. Peas
are so difficult to eat...
-Peas fall off, yeah.

...but when you
deep-fry them like this...

It brings out
the sweetness of the peas.

[Jeremy] After dinner was over
and we'd been sick,

we decided to
watch some motorsport
on Mr. Wilman's laptop.

How many has he ordered?
Ooh, that's never gonna fit.

Then... Have you noticed?
This is his keyboard,
Mr. Wilman's.

Look at the A,
worn down, the N

and the L.

Maybe he's been emailing
his friend Alan a lot.

[laughs]

Right!

[Jeremy] Anyway,
I know a lot of people
watching will think

that it was stupid to put
our big Yank tanks,

um, on a European circuit
against a European car.

Obviously the European car
was gonna be faster.

-Not so...
-There is history with this.

There is. And actually,
the marvelous thing is,

at Goodwood race track,
they still run races
using the cars...

-Yeah. And look at it...
-[Jeremy] ...from the '60s.
And here we go.

There's every different
type of car here.

You've got the big
Studebaker there.

[James] That's a heavy thing.

[Jeremy] That's a Ford Galaxy.

And then you've got
a Lotus Cortina.

Two Lotus Cortinas.
You've got Minis.

And the racing
is just breathtaking.

[Richard] Look at it!

[Jeremy] Look at
that four-wheel drift
in the Lotus Cortina.

So those Lotus Cortinas,
they had 130 horsepower?

-[Richard] Yeah.
-[Jeremy] What did
the Galaxy have?

Four hundred
and twenty-five! [chuckles]

[Jeremy] Four hundred
and twenty-five?
And you can see plain as day.

There we go. Ready.

[Richard] He's just
coming up against
this great slab of Galaxy.

-"Can I get through?"
-[Jeremy] And it is...
"No, I can't."

[Richard] Look at it go!
He's gone!

[Jeremy] He's just gone
'cause he's got more power.

[Richard] And then
he closes up again
'cause there's another corner.

"Right,
I'm gonna have another go.
I'm gonna keep scrapping."

And then as soon as
it opens out, he's gone.

-[Jeremy] And then now--
-[Richard] Just solid gone.

Look, American cars,
is what I'm trying to say,

American cars
like ours aren't

-necessarily slower...
-No.

[Jeremy] ...round a track
than European cars,

'cause they're faster
on the straight.

[all] Oh!

[Richard]
There's a Mini!
There's a Mini!

That's about 130 horsepower,
that's all he's got!

[all laugh]

That is a Terrier at a Doberman.
425 horsepower versus 130!

Look, there he goes again.
Yeah, and a wave, yeah!

-He's actually waving to him.
-[laughs]

[Jeremy] The next morning
we were told

that due to the COVID issues,

we'd have to take
our caravans with us.

So, while a man
fitted the towbars,

we set about making them
as stylish as our cars.

What I've done to
bring out and enhance

the Americanness of my rig
is turn my caravan into...

well, the most American
and the only cool
caravan ever built.

It's an Airstream.

Look at that! Yeah!

I've gone for
the low-rider look.

This is a sleek rig.
It is big, though.

One foot longer
than a London bus.
But less sporty.

You got to admit,
it's pretty retro-brilliant.

No, it looks like a caravan
covered in tin foil
for no obvious reason.

He really is
a deluded little man,
isn't he?

Now, I've had
the best idea here, viewers,

because the problem
with caravans is that
they are unsightly.

They all park
together in a field.

They're all a load
of white boxes.

It looks like
a load of Tupperware.

So, I've painted mine
black and white
and given it an udder.

[laughs]

It does indeed
have "a" udder!

[laughs]

With our massive crew convoy
bringing up the rear,

we soldiered on
through the constant
Caledonian downpour.

Uh, can we stop for fuel soon?
I'm getting a bit low.

Um, I don't know how
you used it up on the track,

but yes, we shall find
"an" petrol station.

Oh, this has got
very Scottish!

Oh, it's...
it's really cold,
really cold now.

[Richard] Yeah.

[Jeremy] Having established
he'd been doing

a polar-bear-friendly
eight miles to the gallon,

James announced it was time
for his morning ablutions,

which meant he had to
put his car in the car park.

I need to go
that way with that arm.

That one goes that way,
or something like that.

[Jeremy]
What is he doing?

How has he managed
to get it so far... [laughs]

In his defense,
it is quite a tight car park.

Having decided
that was good enough,

James went off
to do his business.

And we settled down
to our customary wait.

I lose about an hour a day
waiting for him to have his...

Got time for
a roast dinner, mate.

By the time
he's read The Telegraph,
done the crossword.

And if he does
the crossword.

Yeah, I'd say
you've got an hour.

What?

This is brilliant.

[pants]

[Jeremy] Why do they use
such long hoses
in fire engines?

Well, in case the fire's
a long way away.

[grunts with exertion]

Right. [grunts]

Oh, this is...
[squeals with excitement]

We could always tell him
that the roof seal

-was leaking.
-[Jeremy] Yes.

Yes.

[Jeremy] If you've just
joined us,

it's a difficult story
to unpack.

Right now he's
probably on three-down.

You know when
they used to shout "Scramble!"
in the war?

-Yes.
-No.

Oh, can you
imagine if he was

-a Hurricane pilot?
-No.

[Jeremy] I reckon
you're about there, Hammond.

[pants with exertion]

We assumed James wouldn't
discover our mischief
until he drove off.

However, we didn't
have to wait that long.

[laughing]

[chuckling] He's got
to be cross!

[James] Jesus!

[Jeremy] The roof light
was open on your caravan.

-[Richard] Yeah.
-[James] You're so funny.

Well, while I admire your
ingenuity and your application,

that was a low blow
on a day like this.

I was already wet.
And you could have taken
my personal effects out.

Isn't it funny how three people
can have very different views
of the same thing?

I thought it was
a really good idea.

Mm. Same here.

And most of
your personal effects
were rubber anyway.

[laughs]

Oh, God, it's dripping water.
How can my windscreen
be leaking?

Like I give a toss.

[laughs] Ooh!

[Jeremy] A few miles later,
we turned off the main road,

heading for the remote
center of Scotland

to do some scientific research.

Now, yes, we do like our cars.

They're charismatic
and they're interesting.

And James and Richard
currently own American cars.

They've both got Teslas.

But we are not
suggesting for a minute

that all American cars are good
because they're not.

Some of them are terrible.

And what we're doing now
is plunging deep into
the Scottish countryside

to conduct
an important experiment,
which is this...

Who made the worst cars,

the Soviet Union
or the Americans?

Representing the Soviet Union,
we have the FSO Polonez 1.6,

the Lada Riva 1200
and the Zastava GTL 55.

And representing
the United States in America,

we have the Chrysler Voyager,
the Chrysler PT Cruiser,

which is making me feel sick,
and the Pontiac Aztek.

What we're gonna do
is have a race
around this field,

us three
in the American cars

and three of our most junior,
and therefore expendable,
researchers in the Soviet cars.

Rules are simple,

the first one out
is the winner.

[James] Hang on,
you got that wrong.

What?

It's not the first...
"The first one out
is the winner"?

-That doesn't make sense.
-Yes, it does.

[Jeremy] No,
there's no motor race in history
where the first one out won it.

No, we're trying
to find the worst car.

The worst car will be
the first one to conk out.

-Oh.
-Oh, no, actually...

-[Richard] Yeah.
-He's got a point, hasn't he?

[James] Then the loser
is the winner.

-Yes.
-[James] Got it.

-[Jeremy] Right.
-Good.

[Richard] And so,
under a blanket
of light drizzle,

the Cold War shootout began.

This, viewers,
is the world's first
minivan, in fact.

But the most important thing
you need to know about it

is that in the Euro NCAP
Frontal Collision Test,

it scored... Where's
the gear stick? Zero.

[Jeremy] The only people
who bought these Cruisers
were those people

that you find in offices
with a sign
on their desk saying,

"You don't have to be mad
to work here, but it helps."

I've got a 3.4-liter V6,
185 brake horsepower.

And that's the end
of the good news.

Everything else about
this car is disgusting.

At its launch in 2000,
they unveiled the first car

and the audience
gasped and then laughed!

When Walter White
in Breaking Badwas given
one of these to drive,

the car was as carefully cast
as the actor.

They wanted to
show him as a loser.

And nothing says "loser"
better than a Pontiac Aztek.

Ha-ha! Lada!

[James] I then decided
that to win this race

I'd have to hit other cars,
and hope I came off worst.

Here I go.

Oh, shit!
Didn't quite do it.

And soon, my colleagues
had the same idea.

Have some of this.

Hammond trying to
smash the Aztek up.

It's impossible to tell,
such is the styling.

I must somehow ram
into the Aztek

in such a way,
I break my own car.

Here it comes!
It's an accident! Here it is!

[laughing]

[Jeremy] Oh, no,
the PT Cruiser is alive!

[Jeremy] I continued
throwing myself
at the heavy Aztek

until I achieved
the exact opposite
of what I wanted.

[Richard] Oh! Oh!
It died. Uh-oh.

It is, I believe,
quite definitely
on fire now.

Gentlemen, we may have
a winner.

[Jeremy] Oh, no. No!

[Richard] Yes!

Yes!

[Jeremy] It then became
a fight to the death
for second place.

[James] Little commie bastard!

[Jeremy] Target acquired.

Accident!

And soon, I got
the wrong result again.

No!

No!

He's broken. [groans]

[blows raspberry]
That was a bad one.

[Jeremy] Why is
my car still working?

We all know this is
the worst thing
ever made by man.

Come on, take me.
Take me out.

That FSO is solid.

Yes! That's more like it.

Ooh. That's a big hit.

But yet again...

Is that the FSO down?
The FSO down and out?

This is a disaster!

And to make things worse...

[James] No, May cocks it up.

[Jeremy] Now just James
and I were left.

The two Chryslers
fighting it out for
the honor of last place.

Both cars were now too damaged
to catch one another.

So it was a case
of waiting to see...

who would die first.

Break! Break!

Catch fire! Roll over!
I don't care! Just break!

That bonger
is the temperature.
I'm down on power.

Yes, I'm boiling.

I think I'm boiling over.
Any minute now,
the engine will seize.

[James] I seem
to have lost third gear,

which was the most
useful one round here.

Now the gear changes.
No, I think I've had it.

No! But my... Look at my
temperature gauge! No!

No, it can't be.
No, I won't have this.

Are you out or are you
just making it up?

No, I'm out.

[Jeremy] No, it's...
I wanted this to be
the worst car.

-Yes.
-And it says

that this has
actually come last.

It's the sixth
worst car ever made.

Hang on, is that the...
I forgot the rules.

-Yes, that's the way it is.
-Yes, you've won,
so you've lost.

I know. I'm still running,
therefore I've lost.
But look at that...

[Jeremy] Rather than
spend an hour re-explaining
the rules to James,

we declared the Aztek
the winner,

and with Hammond navigating,
set off back to the A9.

Right, we're looking
for a bloody big road.

[Jeremy] However,
before we even
realized we were lost,

my Lincoln started to do
what the PT Cruiser wouldn't.

Why is my engine...

I'm misfiring badly now
going up this hill.

Come on.

Come on, car, please.

[Jeremy] We therefore
pulled into a farmyard

so I could make
some repairs.

I'm gonna have a look
at my carb-u-rettor.

As I broke out
my extensive tool kit,

James went off
to put the kettle on.

-A cup of tea?
-Thank you.

Would you like
a... What?

-That's very nice.
-I've gotta say...

Would you like
a soft biscuit?

-...that works.
-It does.

What works?

[Richard] Well, exactly.

[James] Oh!
That's my caravan.

That's so much better.

[Jeremy] Eventually,
my repairs were complete.

Broken.

Oh, that could
keep you occupied
for hours.

Why won't it go on?
That's ridiculous.

The last thing I knew
was I was in my 30s.

-Yeah.
-Late 30s, admittedly.

And then suddenly,
I'm standing in a field
still watching...

How's this possible?

[laughs]

Ah, this is brilliant.

-Yeah!
-[Richard] Ah! Wow!

What a sense
of achievement.

-[Jeremy]
Now, the next thing is...
-[Richard] Where do we go.

-[Jeremy] No mobile
phone signal.
-No.

We've gotta find the A9.

-Mm. Mm.
-It...

One thing you
can't do in Scotland
is navigate using the sun.

-No.
-No.

[Richard] You can't
navigate by clouds, they move.

How about getting...

[Jeremy] Having decided
to go for that option,

I had a couple
of small accidents.

Oh, God.

[Jeremy] But soon,
we were back on the move,

with Pathfinder Hammond
once again on point.

Any minute now,
there'll be a T-junction,

and then a...
a small road
rather than a track,

and then a big road.

Then, all of that
didn't happen.

There's a hole.

Hammond's just brought us
on a rally special stage
by the looks of it.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

[Richard] Is this the A9?

[Jeremy] No.

No speed cameras on it.
That's how you know
it's not the A9.

Oh! No! Shit.

What?

[James chuckling]
I'm sorry! That was hilarious!

[Jeremy] So, ladies and
gentlemen, what is missing from
this picture?

It was just epic!

I've never seen
anything like it!

-What, the towbar's
come off?
-Yeah.

The towbar
has come off.

[Richard] Oh, dear. That's...

[Jeremy] If you put that
in a Tom and Jerrycartoon,
it would be absurd.

-[laughs]
-What if that had
happened on the A9?

Well, that, you'd have
there'd have been shouting.

But where am I
gonna sleep tonight?

There. That's where
your caravan is.

[Jeremy] We decided
to abandon my caravan

and resumed our journey,
behind Richard Blomquist.

So he's driving up a mountain
and he thinks

he's going to find
the A9 at the top
of it, does he?

Oh. Oh.

Good slapper, Hammond.

[Richard] The tail's wagging
the dog a little bit here.

Ooh. Yeah.

Oh! Oh, dear, oh, dear,
something's gone wrong.

Um...

Ooh.

-[Jeremy] Were you driving
too quickly on a gravel track?
-[Richard] Yes.

I can't help it.
Gravel track...

Well, if you
undo yourself...

Yeah, he's done that.

-Are you...
Are you undone?
-Yeah.

So that... Yeah.

If you get yourself
out, Hammond...

-[Richard] Yeah? Ooh. No!
-[Jeremy] There you go.

[Richard] No!

[Jeremy] Oh, that's worked.

[Richard] Well,
I've unhitched it.

You're... you're free...
Your car will get out now.

It's stuck.

[Richard chuckling]
It's sitting on
the fuel tank! Look!

So here's the situation,
we've got one caravan
left and it's soggy.

Damp, yes, very.

We aren't allowed
to stay in a hotel,
even if we could find one.

[James] Which we won't.

[Jeremy] Mm.

What if...
we stay in a castle?

There isn't a rule that says
you can't stay in a castle,
is there?

But there isn't a castle.

Well, we're in Scotland.
There'll be one in 300 meters.

It doesn't require...
There are...

And they're all empty
'cause nobody's allowed
to use their second homes.

And castles
are always second homes.

Unless you're part
of the Royal Family.

The fact is,
you could be
onto something.

All we've gotta do
is find a castle.

Find a castle.

[James] With that decided,

we got Hammond
out of the ditch...

...and went in search
of a castle.

[Jeremy] James May,
I never thought
I'd say this to you,

but your udder
has come off.

[James] Don't ever
say that to me again.

[Jeremy] The terrain
was very rough.

[James] Bollocks.

[Jeremy] What the hell?

[Richard] Oh, brilliant.

I've done some
damage underneath.

[Jeremy] But mercifully,
after just two miles...

we did find what
we were looking for.

Yeah. This is ideal.

[Jeremy] We settled
down for the night
in someone else's castle,

and the next morning,
having admired their view,

James scuttled off
to the kitchen to deploy
his cooking skills again.

It's a deconstructed
and deep-fried kedgeree,
in effect.

So you have a kipper,
a rice ball and an egg.

All deep-fried?

All deep-fried. Enjoy.

I am intrigued.

[Jeremy] Um... marvelous.
Well done, you.

Now, our job
on this mission,
as you know,

was... Mm.

Mm-hmm.

-Mm.
-What?

Well, it's...
interesting flavors.

That's challenging.

[James] The kipper's
good, though, isn't it?

I like kippers
and I like batter.

Yeah, I love kippers.
I love batter.

I also like marshmallow
and a nice pencil.

-[Jeremy laughs]
-[James] Yeah.

But I don't want them all
in one big congealed lump.

[Jeremy] Now,
I've been thinking.

Our job on this was not
to steal somebody's house...

[clears throat] and deep-fry
everything we could find.

Um...

it was to work out
why American cars

-haven't... or never
caught on.
-Yes.

This scale
of not catching on...
in the 1970s,

we in the UK bought
nine-and-a-few
thousand... [sniffs]

US-built cars, nine-and-a-bit
thousand, okay?

We bought 2,47,000
Soviet-made cars.

A big contributor
to the success of
Soviet cars in Britain

was the, uh,
People's Republic
of South Yorkshire.

Well, it was. It was mainly
where people bought Ladas.

Yeah.

[Jeremy] And what have
we established so far?

That we like our cars...

I love my car.

[Jeremy] Love them,
but they are flawed.

-Quite big.
-Very, very, very big.

Yeah, quite difficult
to maneuver in
many parts of Britain.

Yes. And yours
is very unreliable.

It's flamboyant.

But that's our cars.
We've also established

that slightly smaller cars,
such as the PT Cruiser...

[clears throat]
and the Aztek and so on,

the worst cars, amongst
the worst cars ever made.

Hateful garbage.

But here's the thing,
we must never forget

America also made
some absolute corkers.

[rock music playing]

[Jeremy] Inspired by
this back catalogue,

we chose our favorite
muscle cars,

and then used them
to go for something else

that America populized.

A pizza.

But you... I still say
you can have pineapple on it.

-You can't.
-With ham.

-No, you can't have.
-A Sloppy Giuseppe,

-that's what you
have to have...
-No, with ham.

-Ooh, God!
-No, no pineapple...

I've just remembered
something.

You know my mate, John?

Everyone calls him Tramp.

He's invited us

for a perfectly
straightforward
shooting weekend.

When?

Well, we've gotta
be there in 37 minutes.

What? Pizza Express
to Tramp's in 37 minutes?
That's not possible.

Or is it?

There have been a great many
fabulous muscle cars
over the years,

but this is my favorite,
the Mustang.

The Mustang was
the fastest-selling car
of all time.

A record that's
never been beaten.

They sold 22,000
on the first day!

This particular example,
the GT500,

built in 1967,

and I cannot think of
any car that suits the mood

of the moment more perfectly.

Color television
has just arrived.

The Apollo space program
was just beginning.

We were all listening to
Sgt. Pepper and Fleetwood Mac
and Jimi Hendrix.

But in America, the family man
could buy a seven-liter Mustang!

This, viewers, is a 1969
Chevrolet Camaro Z/28.

It was Chevrolet's
response to the Mustang,

which they thought
was a bit slabby.

So they came up with
something more curvaceous.

This muscle car feels
particularly agricultural.

We imagine that
the Americans didn't
realize that.

But I think they did.

I think they knew
and they just thought,
"Well, sod it. It's a laugh."

That's what was great
about America in those days.

Optimism, hope,
unashamed consumption.

Britain, of course,
saw the Mustang

and all the cars it inspired,
such as this one, and thought,

"Yeah, we'll have
a go at that,"

and gave us the Capri,

which was available
with a 1.3-liter engine.

Why were we so meek?

The Dodge Charger,

one of my
all-time favorite cars
and one of the greats.

Specifically this 1968
second-generation version

ofBullitt
andDukes of Hazzard fame.

I mean, just look at it,
it screams "legend."

The Charger was aimed
at young people specifically,

which today would mean
"make it so small and bland

as to be invisible
and give it the engine
from a pencil sharpener."

Back then it meant
"give it a huge V8,

bonnet scoops
and flared haunches."

They were fun!

[James] Uh, what is
a perfectly straightforward
shooting weekend anyway?

I've no idea.

I don't think anyone
in the world knows

what a perfectly
straightforward
shooting weekend is.

They're all different.

Uh-oh. Chaps?

Yes?

-Died.
-[car backfires]

-[loud bang]
-Oh!

[James] Hammond,
do you mind not doing that?
I've had a heart attack.

It turned out that
a detached brake caliper

had broken the wheel,
which had jammed the gearbox,

and that caused
the engine to explode.

But since the clock
was running,

Jeremy and I had to leave
Britain's unluckiest driver
and press on.

This is ridiculous.

It's like driving
to Barnard Castle to see
if your eyesight works.

[vehicle beeping]

[Jeremy] But despite this,
we did make it

from Pizza Express
to Tramp's in 37 minutes.

We've made it.
We have made it.

Oh, yes.

But while we'd
made it on time,

there was a problem.

I'm not sure
we're blending in terribly well

on this perfectly
straightforward
shooting weekend.

Well... [sighs]
It could be worse.

-[James] Oh.
-[Jeremy laughs]

What are you wearing?

Yeah, I know, I...
I've overdone this.

I am sweating
with embarrassment.

Well, you're lucky.
After what happened
in Argentina, I can't sweat.

-Really?
-No.

-You can't sweat?
-No, not a thing.

This was inspired
by my car.
It's misled me.

[phone pings]

A text from Mr. Wilman.

A long one.

"You have
finally uncovered
the main problem

with owning an American car
in Europe, it's embarrassing."

Mm. [laughs]

We don't blend.

It is a bit.

It doesn't fit.

"But if there was a community
where American car enthusiasts

could live side by side
with people who shared
their passion,

it wouldn't
be embarrassing.

So I've created a small town
in the Outer Hebrides

where people can do just that.

And that's where
you're headed now."

-So, yes, no,
what he's...
-You can actually...

he's thinking a bit like
a sort of a drug-dependency
support group.

You go there knowing that
everybody else is like you.

Exactly, every...
'Cause you obviously
turn up here,

cars like this,
as we've just done.

Bollocks, isn't it?

People go, "God above, Darren,
Gary and Kevin are here."

But if there was
a community...

We'll be amongst
our own kind.

You could say,
"Can I get a burger?"

Yeah. You can have
cheese on everything.

-And a strawberry
on your laundry...
-Yes, strawberry.

-[in American accent]
A strawberry.
-You could actually say...

And nobody will look at you
because they're all doing it.

-Everyone is
in the same boat.
-It's brilliant.

Well done, Mr. Wilman.

That's not
a bad idea, actually.

That's... hmm, yes,
that's inspired...

And I've just...
I've just thought...

If we're going to this island
where everything's American

and everybody drives
an American car,

why don't we make
our cars more American?

I know your Cadillac
is as American as
an eagle made of cheese,

but make it more American.

We'll modify them,
and then we'll arrive
on the island

in very American cars.

He will be so happy.

I can only think
of an eagle
made of cheese now.

[chortles]

[Jeremy] Two days later,

we set off on
a 200-mile journey

to Mr. Wilman's Hebridean island
in our newly modified cars.

Let me talk you
through what I've done.

I focused initially
on repairing things.

I've repaired the windscreen
wiper as best I can.

I've used waterless coolant
to try and solve
the overheating problems.

And then... Well, if you
look closely at the front here,

I fitted the massive
supercharger

you can see sticking
out of the bonnet.

Gains about 100
horsepower from that.

[exclaims]

And having done
the supercharger
at that end,

I needed something
visually to balance it

to make it a cohesive whole.

So I fitted the Plymouth
Road Runner-style
wing at the back.

[chuckles maniacally]

Hello, viewers.
I've turned my
Cadillac Coupe DeVille

into a low-ri-der.

Three inches
lower at the front.

It's two inches
lower at the back,

courtesy of heavy-duty
Land Rover Defender springs.

A two-and-a-half-inch
straight-through
side-mounted exhaust.

Now, this was already
a very cool, very relaxed car.

It's now even cooler
and relaxeder.

-[thud]
-Uh-oh.

I may have overdone
the lowering a bit.

This thing is now wearing
white-letter heavy-duty boots
and it's worked well.

I've also addressed
my power issues
by fitting nitrous injection.

It's perfectly straightforward.

Instead of mixing the petrol
with ordinary air before it
goes into the engine,

it's mixed with a blend
of nitrogen and oxygen.

Let's try it out.
Engage system
with toggle switch.

Prime the tank.

Firing...

That makes no diff...
Why does that not make
any difference at all?

[clicks switch]

[James] Did you
make other modifications
to the fuel system

apart from putting
the nitrous bottle in?

[Jeremy] Yes, I did.

[James] What did you do?

Many things.

He hasn't done it, has he?

Did you alter the timing?

[Jeremy] I advanced it.

[laughs]

What would happen
if I hadn't done anything
to the timing

-or anything like that?
-[laughs]

[James] I think...

Yeah, you'd have
made the mixture lean

and you'd probably
melt the pistons.

Well, I'll get a grandstand view
of the explosion from back here

if I can see it round
my supercharger.

See around it?
Is your supercharger
actually in the way, then?

Um, only in...
in certain directions.

Um, if I look forwards,
for instance, yes, it...

it blocks the view.

[laughs] He can't see!

Later, I discovered
another issue that had been
caused by the modifications.

[tire squeals]

That's my tire.

[tire squealing]

[laughs]

The sound of my tires
catching on the bodywork.

[laughs]

I've really cocked
this up, haven't I?

We continued our journey north,

against the ever-familiar
backdrop of Scotland's weather.

God really did mess up
with Scotland, didn't he,

'cause, "Oh, look at that.
It's my best work.

And now it's gonna
rain constantly."

[Richard] Yeah,
he made something
really rather beautiful

and then covered it
with a tatty old sheet
in the form of the weather.

It's interesting that
in the Islamic world,

artifacts can't be perfect
because only God
is capable of perfection.

But in Christian society,
we like to think that God

introduces some imperfection
and flaws into the world

lest we should be blinded
and driven mad by its beauty.

James, are your side pipes
putting fumes into the cabin?

He began that by saying,
"It's interesting, isn't it,"

and then proceeded
to not be interesting
for the next ten minutes.

Eventually, though,
the rain eased,

which meant we could
enjoy a lovely view

while Hammond mended his car.

-[James] What up?
-[Richard] That's
a split fuel tank.

I don't think there's
any denying that.

Could you make it to
that village down there?

-Probably.
-'Cause they'll have
a petrol tank welding center,

-I'm sure of it.
-Mm.

It's quite difficult
to weld a petrol tank.

You've gotta be
very careful with that.

[Richard] I need to find
something that I can
gum it up with.

[Jeremy] Sticky tape? Duct tape?

Well, it's an interesting
proposition

'cause petrol dissolves
most adhesives. So...

Yes, James, it's
an interesting proposition.

Meanwhile, my car's
life blood is draining away.

[Jeremy] Having solved
the problem with some of
my nicotine gum,

we stopped
looking at the view
and drove into it.

[folk music playing]

I really do like this car.
I like the way it looks now.

I always like the way it looks.
Now I like the way
it looks even more.

It's supremely comfortable
and it's got a Cartier clock,

which is absolutely beautiful.

It moves me, that clock,
moves me with its beauty.

[Jeremy] How many cars
have we ever kept
from our television shows?

Uh... Well I...
well, I kept Oliver,
the Opel Kadett.

I've kept the Alfa,
the Bentley
and the Excellent.

I've only kept
my beach buggy.

Not many, then,
out of all the hundreds.

I think I know what you're
thinking now.

I really want this
Lincoln in my life.

[Richard] I do not want
to give up my Riviera.
I love it.

[James] What about the Cadillac?

Well, I will admit
it may have, yes,

got under my skin a bit
and I may actually love it,

especially now
it's a low-rider.

[Jeremy] As the light faded,
we found the nearest
castle to stay in.

And that night,
Hammond and I

decided to replace
James' missing wheel spat.

And the next morning,
he was very grateful.

[James screaming] Clarkson!

That's a particularly
shoddy piece of work.

[Richard] Whoa, whoa,
wait a minute!

Two American stars
on your American car...

-Exactly.
-...that is
an enhanced spat.

[James] But you could have
made an effort to make it fit.

I mean, what are these...

Just... You've just driven

ugly cross-headed
self-tapping screws
into my Cadillac.

It's fixed, though.

[Jeremy] As we continued
to head for Mr. Wilman's
American island,

we came across
an important piece of road

for the nation's
car enthusiasts.

Right, this is Britain's
Stelvio Pass,

the Applecross.

That's what it's called.

This is an opportunity
to find out

how our cars will manage
on an alpine road.

Science is about to happen.

[Richard] I'm with you.
A scientific experiment, yes.

Right, here we go.

[grinding]

Gawd streuth. Oh.

Yeah, that... that...
that is a problem.

Um... I can't see
through the windscreen
because it mists up.

And on the other side,
the windscreen wiper
isn't working.

But even if I could see
through the windscreen,

on the other side of it
is the supercharger,
which is dominating the view.

Impossible to see...

Yeah...

This specific American car
is struggling a little bit

with this specific
bit of the UK.

All right, coming up
to this hairpin bend.

Preparing myself mentally
for the challenge.

And here we go.

And... braking nicely.

[screeching]

She's round!

[James] Quite a lot of mist.

Oh, dear.

[car horn honks]

What?

How have we ended up driving
on the other side of the road?

[tires screech]

[laughs]

We're about to
drive into a cloud.

[Jeremy] Eventually,
we reached the top of the pass,

got out to look
at the famous view...

...and then set off
back down again.

It... Oh, sh...
I've gone off the road.

Oh, there we go.
Now... [exclaims]

Yeah. When I
thought this morning,

"Let's go up that
switchback mountain road
in our two-door V8 coupes,"

it didn't look like this
in my head.

I should have known
when I put a duffel coat on.

You don't see
a Formula 1 driver
getting into his car

in a duffel coat, do you?

Later that day,
we reached
the Isle of Skye.

And having crossed that,
we boarded a ferry to
the island of North Uist.

And once we were underway,
we engaged in some
light automotive philosophy.

You know,
the funny thing is...

when you see someone
driving an American car
in Britain,

you know everything
about them.

You know that Trump
makes them plump,

they've got
a Confederate flag
in the garage...

-Yeah.
-...they only drink Bud.

When you see someone
driving a Fiat,

you don't think,
"Well, I bet he waves
his arms around

and has a weird relationship
with his mother."

Or someone in a Volvo,
you don't think,

"Oh, I bet he gets naked
and then rolls around

in the snow
with his neighbors."

-Exactly.
-But that's what I mean,

you don't make assumptions
based on the car's
nationality at all.

No, you don't, you don't.
But with an American car...

-[James] You do.
-...you absolutely do.

You're absolutely right
because if, for example...

I mean, let's just
take a hypothetical case,

if you saw a classic Mustang,
say a dark-green one,

and it was being driven
by Richard Hammond,

all you can see is his face
just sticking up above
the steering wheel,

but you'd still think,
"I bet he's wearing
cowboy boots."

And he is.
The only thing he doesn't do

that he should as
an American car enthusiast

is play golf.

Yeah. Pfft!

What do you mean, "Yeeah"?

Yeah.

-"Yeeah, yeeah."
-Have you got something
you'd like to share?

My name's Richard Hammond
and I've taken up golf recently.
I've been having lessons.

-Seriously?
-Yeah.

I bought a set of golf clubs
and I've been having lessons,

twice a week
at my local golf course.

Why have you taken up golf?

My mates seemed to be
really enjoying it.

So I went round
with them and I tried it.

And it was really,
really h... it's hard.

-It's, like, honestly,
it's really hard--
-I'm not interested.

And so then
I've had lessons.

I was having quite
an interesting...

thought process there
about American cars

and now suddenly,
my day's been ruined.

Somebody I've actually
enjoyed working with
for the last 15 years,

it turns out, is weird.

[Richard] Fortunately,
the conversation was
interrupted at this point

because we had reached
the extraordinary island

of North Uist.

We are on
an Outer Hebrides.

So the next island along
is where Mr. Wilman

has built his community
for American car enthusiasts.

[Richard] I'm excited
by this idea of a...

a place where we can go
in our American cars
and not be embarrassed.

It is like nudists.

They wanna run around
with no clothes on,

but you can't do that
where everybody else
is wearing clothes.

You'd feel silly.

So they go amongst
like-minded people

where everyone's
doing the same.

Eventually, we reached
the shoreline

on the far side
of the island.

Ooh, I say,
that's rather beautiful.
Look at that.

[James] That is
mighty pretty, isn't it?

What the bloody
hell's that lot?

What is it?

[James] I'm wondering
if it's some sort of
temporary stage or seating.

It's plastic
in the sea, is what it is.

-It is a lot of plastic.
-I mean, look at it.

Well, maybe they re-use it
when there's no COVID

-and they have
folk music on the beach.
-Guys?

-It's all washed up--
-What?

I had a text from Wilman.

Right, so, that

is the island where
he's built the community.

And I'm guessing
that spiky thing

over there is part of it.
Can you see that?

[Richard] What, over there?

-[Jeremy] Yeah.
-[Richard] Wow.

But to get to the island,
we have to build
a bridge out of that.

[James] Is it like
a pontoony-type thing,
do you think?

I'm just thinking
they're full of air,
so they look floaty.

Well, it's not gonna
hold a car up, is it?

I don't know,
maybe if you have
enough of them, it would.

-[Richard] So those...
-[Jeremy] So these ones

-are already joined
together, look...
-[Richard] Yeah, look, that's...

Yeah, that's...
that's what these...
Look, that's one of these.

[James] Yeah, they're screws.

[Richard] They screw together.

[Jeremy]
That's my idea of hell.

[Richard] Oh, it's
a giant construction set!

Jeremy, it's like your birthday
and Christmas all at once!

So is that wider...
I mean, how much wider

than the car
does it need to be?

Out of how many
of these we got.

And out...
we've gotta go
a long bloody way!

All the cars
are six-foot-seven wide.

Two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine.

-Just under ten foot.
-So your feet are foot?

Uh, I don't know.

[Jeremy] I, meanwhile,
was more interested in

what this community
would look like.

I'm guessing that...

[Richard] It...

[Jeremy] No, I'm trying
to think what there'll be.

There'll be a motel,

and in every room
there'll be two beds

that are far too big,
burgundy bedspreads.

There will be a sports bar
with hundreds of screens

all showing something
slightly different
but not very different.

[Richard] Everybody will
talk to you in the lift.

-Elevator. I like that.
-[Jeremy] Yes, they will...

[in American accent]
"Good to know you."

That's what they say
when you get out of a lift.

[Richard] Yeah,
they say good morning...

You... you... how...
You don't know me,
you've just met me,

-"Good to meet you"?
-I like that,
you have a conversation.

[Jeremy] But that's
'cause you're American.

[Jeremy] We got stuck
into the work...

[Richard] Captain Nurk,
going in.

That must be
the doer-upperer.

[Jeremy] ...pausing only
for James and I
to have an argument.

That isn't going to work.

It is. I've done
a calculation, roughly.

Maths, James,
has no bearing on the sea.

-Of course it does.
-Do you think it'll work?

-No. Not really.
-[laughs]

[Jeremy] Going down.

Going down.

[Jeremy] Oh, God.
Right, that is secured.

[Richard] Good.

[Jeremy] You pissed
in your own Wellingtons.

Yes.

This is very manly,
this, isn't it?

-[Jeremy] This?
-[Richard] Yeah.

[Jeremy] I know.

[Jeremy] On the third morning
of our endeavors,

we'd reached the point
where we needed to borrow
a boat from a local.

[indistinct mumbling]

Okay, here's the situation.
Um, we've built this bit here.

Hammond is going to
bring the boat around here.

And we're now going to
tow it to the end of
what we've already built

where we can attach
our new section.

[Jeremy] It was a simple plan,
but then it turned out

that Hammond
had never used
an outboard motor.

Uh... uh...

Pull the cord.

Where's the cord? Oh.

It's in the top
of the en... There.

-Pull it...
-I got it.

It works!

How do I make it move?

Twist the thing...
There you go!

HMS Hammond is underway.

Argh!

In your own time.
Quick as you like.

Are you ready?

Job one, tie on.

Right, perfect.

Now, pull me along.

Go, go. Power.

[Jeremy laughs]

Oh, give me strength.

You pulled the bloody
fishing-rod holder off...

[Richard] I didn't tie it
to the fishing rod.

Why did you tie it
to the fishing...

[Jeremy] I didn't
tie it to the fishing rod,
you blithering idiot.

Right, are you ready?
We're setting off.

Ooh-ho!

[Jeremy] Hammond's gone
upside down again.

[laughs]

[James] What the f... Oh, jeez.
How has he done--

[Jeremy laughing]

[Richard shouting indistinctly]

[Jeremy] I'll pull you in.

[Jeremy] Weirdly, none of
the other locals

would lend us
a boat after that.

So, we had to drag
the new section
into place by hand.

Look at this, I'm moving
100 meters of bridge

all by myself.

-Water's really
slippery, isn't it?
-Yeah.

Ready? Look at that
for docking.

There you go.

[Jeremy] Work continued
for the rest of the day...

Ugh. Now, I need to pull
this corner in, don't we?

No, there's...

[Jeremy] ...until,
by late afternoon,

our arrow-straight
bridge was finished.

And since James was
the only one of us
who thought it would work,

Hammond and I decided
he should go first.

[engine revving]

Ts and Ps good.

What is the chance

-of him making it...
-Minimal, I'd say.

...across there?
Negligible.

[James whimpers]

Oh, my God, the road
is floating in front of me.

[Richard] Oh, my God,
look how it moves!

[Jeremy] It's actually sinking
as he drives along.

Jeez. That is weird.

All right, chaps,
I'm not gonna lie to you,
this feels a bit perilous.

That's 30-feet
of water he's driving...

-In a Cadillac.
-...over.

I know it's deep.
It was deep enough

-to swallow my boat.
-It was.

[thud]

[James] Shit.

I think my exhaust
may be dragging
on the floor.

Agh!

Now I'm crashing
into my own bridge.

-Oh, I think his ex...
-Oh.

I think he's
grounding out
where it dips.

[engine revs]

Oh, this is hilarious.

I don't think you'll be
able to see this, viewers,

but on that side of the car,
the wheels have collapsed,

each of them,
one of these elements.

So I'm now
against chocks.

And the...
the other side of that

is that the exhaust
is now down on the ground

and the end of the exhaust
is wedged in one of the joins.

So it's completely stuck.

There is a solution,
but I don't know you'll be
prepared to do it.

What is it?

Well, you go
and help him out.

That would mean four tons
of American land yacht

on the same bit
of plastic in the ocean.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

[Jeremy] But since
James was now

a huge burgundy
obstacle to our success,
there was nothing for it.

Power, increase speed.

Oh, shit. The back
of the car's dipping.

God, I'm completely...
I'm arse down.
I can hardly see a thing.

I can see Thunderbird II
approaching.

Air...

[hisses]

Working.

You're gonna have to
give me a fairly hefty shove
and keep going.

Right, James May,
here I come.

[thuds]

[engine revving]

That didn't work.
Let's try something else.

I'm gonna back up, yes?

And then I'll create a wash.

Yes?

When the wash lifts
the back of your car up,
hoof it.

Here it comes,
here it comes.

-[engine revving]
-[Jeremy] Go, go, go.

[James] Bollocks and arse.

Hammond, could you come
and offer some assistance here?

Right, I think I'm on.

I'd like to be able
to see a bit more
than I can see now.

Ah! Oh, God.

I do not wanna go
in that water again.

[Jeremy] Amazingly, the world's
most accident-prone driver

made it without incident.

[Richard] Jeremy, I'm here now.
Can I help?

[Jeremy] Hammond,
I've had a brilliant idea.

[Richard] Go on.

If we both drove
at him at high speed

and then braked
to create the wash,

that might be enough
to lift him up and on.

Or double the stresses
and break the bridge.

But it's our
only shot, isn't it?

Okay, I'm up for it.
You tell me when.

Okay, this is really...
This requires precision driving.

[James] I am ready.

Hammond, are you ready?

[Richard] I am ready.

[engine starts]

[engine starts]

[engine sputters]

My car won't start.

Oh, God.

What?

Sit rep, I am the meat
in an incompetent sandwich.

[engine starts]

It's all right, it's started.

[Jeremy] Right, gentlemen,
we are ready back here.

In three, two, one... now.

Braking... now!

Go, go, go.

[Richard] Yes!

[Jeremy] It worked.
It bloody worked.

[whooping]

[James] Very good. Thank you.

[Richard] Oh, I say!
My people have recognized me!

[Jeremy]
I think Mr. Wilman's done that.

[Richard] Yeah, he has.

I can't wait to see
our commune.

What we're looking for
is an American-style
town, I imagine.

That's like Oklahoma.
Look at that.

Cows.

That's a remarkable journey,
all the way across Scotland,

all the way across Skye,
all the way across...

[James]
I'm gonna have to stop.

I've got
the warning lights on
and everything.

Something's going wrong.
My car smell...

[Jeremy]
James, we're literally--

[James] No, I know,
but I don't want to fail

100 yards from our commune.

I want to arrive in glory.
So just give me a few minutes.

[Jeremy] How's he managed
to break it
on the last 100 yards?

What a blithering idiot he is.

I can't open the hood.

[blows raspberries]

[Jeremy] Um, Hammond,
I've had an idea.

There's literally nothing
we can do to help him

so let's go and have
a look at that spiky
building over there.

Glad to.

Onwards.

[engine sputters]

Oh, God, you're joking.
It can't be.

[Richard] Uh,
it won't start.

So both of them
have broken down.

One hundred yards
from the finish line.

Right, well, um, let's think.

Mine will.

And has. There it is.

After a short drive,

I arrived at our commune.

Crikey. Mr. Wilman's
been busy.

Look at that!

Laser Quest. Multiplex.

Look at this, a sports bar!

And 5G on my mobile.
How's that possible?

Weird.

Is that an MG?

What's that doing here?

Evening, barman. I'll have
three pints of Budweiser
with cheese, please.

Eventually, I was joined
by my colleagues.

-Gentlemen! Gentlemen!
-Ooh!

-Your beers await.
-Aah! Ho-ho!
And there it is!

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Pause.
Just savor the moment.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Budweiser!
There you are!

Do you know,
they only had Tsingtao?

-Really?
-Yeah.

Well, MGD?

No, only Tsingtao.

Anyway, look,
let's get something to eat.

[Richard] Yes, food.

Food, in this.
Look, I'm in st...

I... I can't believe
Mr. Wilman's made this.

I've totally come...
I've totally come home.

My Buick Riviera
is parked outside

-and I'm in here!
-Yeah, I know!

-Everything is good!
-It's staggering, isn't it?

And I fancy...

surf and turf?
No, wait...

[in American accent]
Monterey Jack.
I want some Monterey Jack.

[Jeremy] What?

[Richard] Chaps, um, it's not...
It's not just the menu.

Nothing in here
feels quite right.

That is weird.

Do you know, this place
has only been open,
what, a week?

And already, every
single thing in here

is Chinese.

And on that
terrible disappointment
it's time to end.

We will be back.

We don't know where,
we don't know when,
but we will.

And we will see you then.
Thank you so much for watching.

Goodbye.

[theme music playing]