The Grand Tour (2016–…): Season 3, Episode 1 - Motown Funk - full transcript

Hello, everybody! Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Greetings, everybody.
Thank you so much.

Thanks, everybody. Thank you.

Thank you so much. And, yes!

We're back!

We are!

Now, a lot of people
have been saying,

"Why has it taken so long?
What have you been doing?"

Well, hopefully we can answer
that with this short montage

of what you can expect over
the next... ahem... 13 weeks.



Do The Strand.

♪ There's a new sensation ♪

♪ A fabulous creation ♪

♪ A danceable solution ♪

♪ To teenage revolution ♪

Is that barrel gonna...

♪ Do the Strand, love ♪

♪ When you feel love ♪

Fire everywhere!

♪ It's the new way ♪

♪ That's what we say ♪

He's gone!

♪ Do the Strand ♪

Look, hang on a minute.



♪ Tired of the Tango? ♪

"The nearest civilisation
is a town called Moron."

In order to reach it, you must
build the contents of these boxes.

"You have enough food
for seven days."

♪ Dance on moonbeams ♪

Oh, God!

♪ Slide on rainbows ♪

♪ In furs or blue jeans ♪

Were this not such
a serious situation,

it would be a good laugh.

♪ Do the Strand ♪

Bear, it's a bear!

Aargh!

There must've been 30 or 40 people
in the room when the police arrived.

Whoa!

Clarkson!

Jesus Christ,
I'm too close to the edge.

Oh!

- Let's sing a song.
- No.

I am sitting
where Jim Clark sat!

Going in hard and hot!

- We're fleeing!
- OK, flee.

Well, he'll be using
a pistol, won't he?

♪ Do the Strand ♪

I think...

I think you're gonna
like this series.

And I particularly think you're
going to like how it begins.

Because even over here,
on this side of the pond,

we recognise that Detroit
is the spiritual home

to anyone whose
communion wine is petrol

and whose heart beats
like a big, lumpy, wet V8.

Which is why this week,
and it's long overdue,

The Grand Tour
is off to the Motor City...

with an idea.

Of course, the whole
world knows that Detroit

is now a shadow
of its former self.

But we also know
that efforts are being made

to bring life
back to the ruins...

with urban farms.

Local people are being
encouraged to grow...

kale and beans and seeds,

in plots like this where houses
and businesses once stood.

It breaks your heart.

I mean, this is Detroit.

It shouldn't be a help-yourself,
pop-up street allotment

for organic vegan peace hippies,

when it could be a pulsating
playground for the petrolhead.

It has the roads,
it has the space,

it was built by
the rumble of a V8

and it should rumble
to that sound once more.

So that's what
we've come here to do...

make some noise.

These are the toys
we'll be using.

Three American muscle cars,

all of which have been tuned
to a tyre-shredding DEFCON one.

I have the Ford Mustang
RTR Spec 3.

Mr Slowly has
what's called The Exorcist.

And in his whining Dodge
Challenger Demon...

Hammond has an erection.

Ah-ha-ha!

To make this,
they took a Hellcat -

I drove one before on the show -

and just made it "more".

More of everything.

I have 840 horsepower,

a massive supercharger...

and on the bonnet there,
or hood,

that's the biggest hood scoop
ever fitted to a production car.

Ever.

Yeah!

Noise!

Noise in the city!

Bloody hellfire!

This car is tuned by Hennessey.

They've taken a standard Camaro

and they've given it
1,000 horsepower.

Jesus Christ!

They haven't touched anything
else, only the engine.

Wheels are standard,
brakes are standard,

suspension is standard,
bodywork is standard.

It's all standard.

Except the power.

Jeez, I can't even steer it.

It's idiotic, honestly.

And yea, though
I walk in the shadow

of the valley of death,
I will fear no evil.

Because I am The Exorcist!

This may look small and delicate

compared to the other two,

but be in no doubt,

it has the muscle car
credentials.

Oh, yeah.

The fact is that the engine
in Hammond's car...

is a push rod, two valve,
iron museum piece.

And May's car, yes,
it has 1,000 horsepower,

but it's running
on standard brakes.

This... This is just
a little bit cleverer.

They haven't just put a supercharger
on it and left it at that.

They've stiffened up the
suspension and lowered it

and stiffened
the anti-roll bars.

So it can do this.

Jesus H Christ!

And it can do this.

Yes!

This, then, is the Anthony
Joshua of muscle cars.

Big and brawny,
but it has brains as well.

Then there's its name.

It's the RTR, which stands for,

and I'm not making this up,
Ready to Rock!

These three cars, then,

they're the perfect
fairground rides

in our perfect
petrolhead theme park.

I mean, people
travel all the way to Florida

to look at a man in a mouse suit

and watch an implausible train
have an unrealistic crash.

Why not come here in your car
and do this?

Whoo!

What a day!

I just can't get over James
May is The Ex-cre-cist.

I am surprised to see you two
so upbeat about this trip.

Why do you say that?

Well, you're always saying how
much you don't like muscle cars.

Yeah, I just say that
to annoy you.

Oh, right.

Nobody intelligent admits
that they like muscle cars,

but secretly, deep down,
everybody does.

They're like power rock ballads.

I mean, if you're driving
along with friends

and Don't Stop Believing by
Journey comes on the radio,

you say, "This is rubbish," and
you huff and puff and turn it off.

If you're on your own and it comes
on, you turn it up and you sing along.

You do.

Chaps, did you know mine only
comes with one seat as standard?

- Really?
- What?

As standard,
you get one seat in a Demon.

You can opt to have
the others put back in

and it costs you a dollar.

Which seat do they put in
as standard?

Eventually, we decided to pull
over in our motoring theme park

to see which of our
fairground muscle rides

would be the fastest...

in a street drag race.

So what I'm thinking is here,
when the lights go green...

What's a quarter of a mile,
just beyond the church?

Yeah, something like that.
Perfect.

- What if the police come?
- Well, he won't. He's in Beverly Hills.

- I've seen the movie.
- Why can't we just do this

on a racetrack or a runway
like we usually do?

Because we're here to prove
that this is a racetrack.

Detroit is empty now and should
just be used for this sort of thing.

Yes, yes, but it isn't a real
race, an actual racetrack.

- No, it is!
- It is!

This is where
the muscle car was born.

- I can't do it.
- Why can't you do it?

Because Dodge
only lent me that car

if I promised not to do any
drag racing on the road with it.

What? That's what it's for!

- I know.
- That's literally what it's for.

Yes, I know, but
that's the way it is. Sorry..

D'you think
it's an insurance...?

- It is, because it's him.
- No. It's not.

- Don't want it on the roof.
- "Who's driving it?" Richard Hammond.

- You can't drive it.
- It's just what they said and I'm really sorry.

- So, we can't do it, I'm sorry.
- We can.

You're not gonna do it
without that...

Uh... let me think.
Yeah, we are.

Just right... Just right
the way, right the way off.

One for all and all for yourselves,
that's how it goes, isn't it?

Having decided to make the doorway
of a barber shop the finishing line,

James and I
prepared for the race.

I'm only doing this to annoy Hammond.
I mean, I can't possibly win.

Yes, I've got a supercharged V8,

but it only produces
720 horsepower.

That's 280 less
than The Exorcist.

I don't wanna sound like you, but
the launch control in this car

is so complicated there's
a YouTube video about it.

And I have watched it,
but I've forgotten.

Why don't we have a gentleman's
agreement to not use launch control?

Well, that might save
my clutch, so...

Yes, right.
We won't use launch control.

I've got a manual gearbox. You can
both do it naked for all I care.

Just get on with it.

Oo-ooh, look at Captain
Cheerful over there!

Air con is off.

May got a good start.

Come on, come on,
come on, come on,

there's only
a one-car length in it!

Easy!

Bloody Nora, that was close!

But I got a terrible start,
so we gotta do it again, May.

Put it in first gear.

Whoa!

I can't do it.
It's spinning its wheels.

Woo-hoo, hoo-hoo!

You do know you're both
too old for this, don't you?

What, for driving muscle cars up and
down the public roads of Detroit?

Because nobody else
is using them.

Well, Richard Hammond
certainly isn't using them.

Since it was one-all and we were
having enormous fun annoying Hammond,

we decided to go again.

What is this, best of 30 now?

What else are we gonna do?

Keep going till
one of you wets yourselves.

For the next 17 runs,

the result was always the same.

Thank you very much.

Come on! Come on!

Give up, buddy.

I'm angry.

I'm not giving in, James.
One more.

Oh, for God's sake!

I gave him my word I wouldn't
use launch control.

I'm simply going to go back
on that and not tell him.

That was a good gear change.
So was that.

But there's just nothing I can do to get
up with that 1,000 horsepower monster.

Finally, I waved the white flag.

And then we took a closer look

at the savage beating
heart of The Exorcist.

And that's the standard
Corvette engine, basically.

- Z06, yeah.
- With a supercharger plonked on the top.

- That's there, yes?
- Yes, 2.9 litre supercharger.

So the bit they've bolted
to your engine

is bigger than most
European engines?

- Yes.
- So is the one on mine. It's 2.7 litres.

Yeah, not as big. The point is,
Hammond, this is The Exorcist.

The job of The Exorcist
is to vanquish the Demon.

It's like, you remember
in the '60s, I think,

De Tomaso made a car
called the Mangusta,

which is Italian for mongoose.

Yes, and a mongoose
can kill a cobra, can't it?

- That's why they did it.
- Yes, but this hasn't vanquished the Demon.

- It hasn't beaten it.
- Tell you what.

Why don't you find a racetrack
or a runway somewhere, OK?

I'll gracefully bow out.

And we can have a race
between good... and evil.

First, though, we decided to find out
which of our cars makes the loudest noise.

There were, of course,
many possible locations

for this important test.

But eventually, we found one
that was absolutely ideal.

What is this place?

Well, it obviously
was a theatre.

They built it on the site

of Henry Ford's
first ever workshop.

- And when I say theatre...
- Oh, wow!

So it was in 1925 they built it,

when Detroit was just about
the richest city in the world.

- You can see that.
- They can just build that.

And then in the '70s, it was
converted into a rock venue.

So, I mean, look at these
tickets I've got for it.

- ZZ Top.
- ZZ Top and T Rex.

- What a gig that would've been!
- It would've been fantastic.

Sly And The Family Stone,
Spencer Davis.

Steve Winwood
has performed in here.

David Bowie performed in here.

- Blue Oyster Cult, Bob Seger.
- This was a serious venue.

Oh, serious venue.

And then, there were some
credit card companies

in the offices
which are behind that wall.

And they said,
"We need some parking."

And just bought it and turned
it into a multi-storey car park.

- That's amazing.
- Takes the romance out of it.

It's sort of staggering.

It's the birthplace of
Henry Ford's business.

- Yeah.
- Then a theatre.

It's a car park.

We can bring some theatre
back with our noise test.

Actually, there's a kind of
poetry to it, it's beautiful.

- Precisely.
- Not just bringing the poetry,

also bringing
the decibel-o-meter.

Oh, perfect. So you can go and uh...
go first.

Why am I going first?

- I just said you can go first.
- He did. I heard him say it.

Since the owners
feared the noise

from our engines would bring
down the crumbling roof,

we were given
protective clothing.

We have to put this on
because there may be dust.

There will be dust.

Traction off.

I'll just make wheel spin.

Wheel spin, that just makes
a huge amount of noise.

- Are you ready?
- Yes.

Oh, yeah, check it out!

I can see jack shit.

- God, that's pretty horrible.
- How loud?

- Well, at its peak...
- Yeah?

125.2.

Well, wait a minute, you
don't know, you haven't...

- You're the first to go.
- 125?

Yes.

The Who.

Widely regarded to be the
loudest rock band of all time.

- Yes.
- 126 decibels.

Deep Purple,
a mere 117 decibels.

That car is louder
than Deep Purple.

But probably a lot quieter
than my Demon.

Any minute now, a paramedic will
be cutting his trousers off.

He should've taken
them off before he got in.

I don't know why
he wears trousers.

Here we go.
Ready in three, two...

Oh, wait a minute,
it hasn't done it.

Easy mistake.

We've all done it - forgotten
the key when you're doughnutting

in a Detroit theatre that's been
turned into a multi-storey car park.

Everybody's been there.

OK. In three, two...

- 125.2 to beat.
- Yeah.

Doesn't make a lot of noise.

118.8, tiptoe boy.

It's got a 2.7 litre capacity
supercharger on it!

Yeah, but,
it doesn't make any noise.

They didn't build it for this,
they built it for drag racing.

- And they wouldn't let me do that, so...
- Oh, did they?

- How do we know?
- Well, they did.

Before this sore
point became even sorer,

I sent James off to have a go.

Don't think
he's ever done a doughnut.

- No. No.
- In his life.

We are about to witness James
D May losing his virginity.

Popping his doughnut cherry.

James May, are you ready?

Fire it up in three...

Cock.

Bollocks.

It took him a little while, but
eventually he got the hang of it.

What's my score?

Why don't we just go?

- Come on, James, gotta go.
- Yep, moving on.

- What was it?
- Oh, I've wiped it.

- No, you haven't.
- It was 12.

Come on... Why've I got this on my face?
What was it?

It was 128,
so just 2.8 more than me.

- So more?
- Yes.

- Hold that.
- Why?

Please just hold that.

Oh, I hate the victory dance!

- I hate the victory dance.
- Good, right, let's move on.

How much is your car? How much?

- 98, something like that?
- £98,000.

- Yes.
- £40,000.

Yeah, but mine's better,
so it's more expensive.

- £40,000.
- It's faster and louder.

720 horsepower, £40,000.

Am I the only person here
who understands muscle cars?

That's a ridiculous thing
to say!

Having had a very busy morning,

we were now hungry.

Which, in this part of town,
was a problem.

Not an abundance of restaurants
around here, is there?

I haven't seen any.

I just noticed
a Coney Island Restaurant

but I'm afraid it's
been shut for 30 years.

Having failed
to find even a takeout,

we started to look for a hotel.

But there wasn't
one of those either.

So we decided to buy a house.

Let me show you what we've got.

Handsome vestibule, feature
tiled floor, front room here,

feature fireplace, loads of
light from all these windows.

This, I would say, use as a dining room
because it's adjacent to the kitchen.

Needs the appliances
refitting, not a big job.

In there, I would say that's
a really handy games room,

TV room, overlooking the
garden and the double garage.

Here, perfect for a home
office, maybe a snug.

Upstairs four bedrooms,
and here's the kicker.

An independent granny flat
with its own kitchen,

so Jeremy can live up there semi-independently
for as long as he can manage.

And the price? $2,200.

Is that really only...
What was it, $2,200?

- Yeah.
- 1800 quid.

Amazing, isn't it?

Shall I show you
something else amazing?

Captain Slow has fallen for
this eco-allotment claptrap.

I haven't fallen for it, and it's not
claptrap, it's just a vegetable plot.

- It's only a bit.
- Buy food, don't grow it.

- Why not?
- That's a farmer's job.

Turning a city into a
vegetable garden is ridiculous.

No, who's turned a city
into a vegetable garden?

That's what they want to do
and you're encouraging them.

Detroit should be
for petrolheads.

It should be for massive V8s
like our cars.

It's a great idea by a city
that's having a bad time

and trying to use its initiative.
What's wrong with it?

It's not as if there's any
vegetables in the shops.

- New is better.
- I am not listening to any more of this.

I am going to go off.
I'm gonna find a shop.

I'm gonna come back
with burgers.

Well, you can have
some curly kale in them.

Bloody allotment!

Just because
he's become a vegetarian

doesn't mean that absolutely
everybody has to be one.

- Don't be a moron!
- Well, I can't get out, he's parked in the way.

Well, on that terrible
disappointment, back to the tent.

You asked for it.
You asked for it.

We never got the burgers either.

No, we didn't.

We uh...

We shall pick that up later on.

But now it is time to drop
the car keys of chat

down the drain of debate...

on Conversation Street.

That's a little weird.

- How'd you do that?
- Don't know. Can't remember.

Can I just begin by saying that I
think the very concept of incongruity

was defined in that film
in Detroit by James May,

the slowest moving man
in history,

driving around in
a car called The Exorcist.

Yeah, it just doesn't work.
"James May is The Exorcist."

No, I mean, if he's gonna have a
car, it should be called The Florist.

Or The Organist.

- Simple change to that, The Onanist.
- Nice.

- I think The Onanist would work well.
- Have you quite finished?

- Uh... yeah.
- Good, actually I'd like to talk about Motor City.

More specifically,
what's happening to it.

I'll tell you
what's happening to it.

It is being slowly ruined
by vegetable-ists.

- Oh, God.
- It is!

There are two million acres
of land in Detroit, OK?

Would anybody like to guess how many
acres have been given over to allotments?

Six.

- 1,000.
- No, it's three.

Three acres.

- And he's driven over two of them.
- Exactly.

Yes, and rightly so.
It's like cancer.

- It's not like cancer!
- It is!

If you said, "I've got
two billion cells in my body"

and only three are cancerous
so I shall do nothing..."

You don't, you cut them out.

Yeah, but cancer is a serious
threat to your health.

Well, so are vegetables.
They are.

You do know you're mad?

No, I'll tell you
what I'm mad about.

I'm mad as hell about Detroit.

Because in 1960, that was
the richest city in America.

The richest.
And now it is the poorest.

And no other city anywhere in the
world has collapsed that quickly.

What about Hiroshima?

Apart from Hiroshima.

Pompeii.

Yes, apart from
Hiroshima and Pompeii,

no city has collapsed
as fast as Detroit has.

- It's unbelievable.
- Incredible the scale of it.

There used to be
43 car factories in Detroit.

43.

Now two. Just two.

I actually think it's because
America won the war, weirdly.

- Vietnam.
- Really?

No, I was lying.
They lost that one.

Not in all the films,
they didn't.

They won in the films but when you
add up all the battles they won,

- weirdly they lost the war.
- Did they?

No, I'm actually talking
about World War II.

At the end of that, Japan had lost its
empire, so it lost all its resources.

So they were forced to make
compact, economical, efficient cars.

And then the oil crisis
hit in 1973,

and the Americans,
with their big V8s,

were forced to buy small, compact,
economical cars from Japan.

And then realised
they were better.

No, I think it's because
American cars are too cheap.

- Too cheap?
- It's a business thing. That's the problem.

Sorry, everyone, I fear we are about
to get an economic lecture from...

Chancellor Hammond here.

- Well, no.
- The other Chancellor Hammond.

No, you are... Now concentrate, let
me put this into context for you.

A lot of supercars have
arrived on the scene recently.

I've got pictures of them.
This is the McLaren Speedtail,

that's 1,000 horsepower.

Costs £2.1 million.

- And its wheels are odd.
- They are. They don't match.

This is the Aston Martin Valkyrie,
that's 1,000 horsepower again.

£2.5 million.

This one, that's
the Ferrari FXX-K Evo,

1,000 horsepower, £3.5 million.

Best looking Ferrari
of all time, that.

- It does look amazing, yeah,
- It is absolutely staggering.

However, they've all got
1,000 horsepower,

which means
they will all be undriveable.

Yeah, whereas my Exorcist
has 1,000 horsepower

and is undriveable
for under £100,000.

Yes, and that's... that's
exactly my economic point.

They're selling them too cheap.

They're just giving it away.

If American carmakers doubled the
price of the cars that they sell,

bear with me, they would double
the money that they make.

It's not that complicated
when you think about it.

If you follow the logic.

I've said before, the wrong
Hammond is in charge of Britain's...

Yeah. It is incredible.

You've got a supply
and demand graph.

If you take away
the demand axis,

life becomes much easier
when it's all just supply.

Precisely. The Hellcat
that I was driving

was priced at £67,000.

- Yeah.
- People are now selling them,

that same car,
second-hand for £120,000.

And one bloke has advertised
one for half a million.

So that means they were
too cheap and I'm right.

- It is hard to argue with that.
- Unassailable.

And we don't have time,
so let's move it on.

Because you may remember
in the very first show

of The Grand Tour
in the first season...

I was blown
away by a McLaren P1.

Yeah, I do remember.
You said it would be faster

than the Porsche 918
and the Ferrari LaFerrari.

- Mm-hm.
- And, no, wait a minute, it wasn't, was it?

And as a result, the only thing
that got blown away was your house.

- That's undoubtedly true.
- Yeah.

But the thing is, it remains
to this day the most exciting,

most brutal, most visceral
car I've ever driven.

And I didn't think
it could ever be topped,

but McLaren
have given it a bash.

And I thought, "Well, if they've
built a car that can out-P1 a P1",

I'd better test it
somewhere a bit less...

narrow and a bit less tree-lined

and a bit less covered in deers
and badgers than the Eboladrome.

So I took it to the fastest
racetrack in Europe,

which is... Actually, anyone
wanna guess which it is?

- Monza?
- No, not Monza.

- Spa.
- Not Spa.

- Do you know?
- What?

Do you know?

Of course I know!

- You know? That's unusual.
- Why is it unusual?

You didn't know any of the answers on
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, did you?

I mean...

I'm just saying.

You didn't.

No. But, no.

No.

They didn't ask me any of the
questions I knew the answers to.

- That's what it was.
- No, but it's not called.

Who Wants To Know Things
Jeremy Happens To Know, is it?

- It's Thruxton.
- What is?

Thruxton is the fastest
racetrack in Europe.

So that's where I took
the new McLaren.

Engine's beginning
throttling down now.

And lift-off.

Clear of the tower.

Go with throttle up.

This is the car in question.

And let's begin by giving
you some of the headlines.

There's no hybrid drive,
like there was in the P1.

But even so, the 4 litre,
twin turbocharged V8...

produces 789 horsepower.

And that means
it's still pretty fast.

OK, right.

Left foot on brake.

Push launch.

Full throttle.

Boost building, boost ready,
we're gone.

0-60 in 2.7 seconds.

That's 120... 150.

Jesus H Christ!

It'll actually do 186
in 18 seconds,

and flat out is 208.

And that's really alarming.

I'm gonna be sick. Ohh!

Whoa!

The thing is, though, that lots of supercars
are as fast as the McLaren these days.

Some are even more powerful,

and even more dramatic
to behold.

But this is called the Senna.

It's named after Ayrton Senna,

and Ayrton was not a man
who spent his evenings

cruising around Harrods
at nine miles an hour.

And nor was he a man who spent
much time at drag strips,

doing the standing quarter.

No.

Ayrton was a man who made
his name at places like this.

Racetracks.

This is what
the Senna was built to do:

Get round any track, anywhere,

faster than any other
road car ever made.

To do this,
they had to make it light.

And they have.
The doors, for example.

Even though they have
windows in them here,

so passers-by can see
the driver's trousers,

they only weigh nine kilograms

and that's less than
one of Kate Moss's arms.

And then there's the seats.

They only weigh eight kilograms.

I've eaten puddings
that weigh more than that!

Go with throttle up.

Having got the weight out,

the Senna's nearly a quarter
of a ton lighter than the P1.

They had to think about grip.

They started with
a new type of Pirelli tyre

that clings on like a panicky
child on a fairground ride.

And then there's
this moving rear wing,

which is somehow road legal.

It actually hangs
from these pylons,

rather than sits on top of them,

because that improves downforce.

I asked James May
to explain why,

but I'm afraid, after three
hours, I went into a deep sleep.

The next most import thing
when it comes to lap times

is how well it slows down.

I was once in a 24-hour race
at Silverstone,

driving a terrible
old diesel BMW

and yet I could keep up with
a supercharged Jaguar XKR

because I had better brakes.

I'd look at him getting to the
end of the Hangar Straight,

thinking, "Why are you braking
now, you idiot? You don't need to."

And that is
this car's party piece.

To show you
how well this car stops,

I've organised a little test.

Right, I'm currently driving
alongside a Jaguar F Type...

at 100 miles an hour.

When we get to that
cone down there...

we're both going to brake.

Ready?

How can you stop from 100 miles an
hour to nothing in that distance?

So, it stops like
it's run into a wall...

it's pressed into
the road by witchcraft...

it weighs the same
as a bag of whippets...

and it has nearly
800 horsepower on tap.

Put all that together
and... um, well...

Oh, my giddy aunt!

It doesn't have
the savagery of the P1.

The P1 was so scary,

it took me two months
to get used to it,

to discover its little foibles.

This, though, even though
I'm now in hunkered-down,

tightened-up, vicious race mode,

with the traction control
wound right back,

I'm not frightened at all.

I'm starting to push the
envelope after 20 minutes.

But you see, through there,
the P1 would have understeered.

This just doesn't because

there's no weight
to push it out of line.

It's like you're driving
using nothing but telepathy.

And I'm loving it!

In the past, I've
described various Ferraris

as feeling beautifully delicate.

But compared to this,
they're like elephants!

Criticisms?

Not many, I mean,
the usual McLaren stuff.

When you try to change it from
comfort to track to sport to race,

it's all far too complicated.

And I know they saved 15 kilograms
not fitting air conditioning,

but on a hot day like today,
it's quite sweaty.

But who cares?

Honestly, this thing is rewriting
the supercar rule book, in my mind.

Unbelievable car, that.

I'm actually proud
to be British with that.

What?

- Yes, definitely.
- What?

Well, just... while the film was on
we've just been online and checked.

Thruxton is not
the fastest track in Europe.

- What?
- It's not.

- Why isn't it?
- Well, it isn't the fastest track.

Well, it's the fastest
racetrack in Wiltshire.

- It's in Hampshire.
- You don't even know...

- It's in Hampshire. You don't know where it is.
- You don't even know that!

They described themselves as the
fastest track in the South of England.

- Not Europe.
- After Brexit it'll be the fastest in Europe.

Anyway, whatever,
back to your film.

You said "rewriting
the supercar rule book".

Those are big words.

Yeah, and they're correct.

- Are they?
- No, they are. No, for once, I am actually...

First time this show I'm right.

Because that car... You remember
the Lamborghini Huracán Performante?

- I loved that car.
- OK, that blitzed our track.

Absolutely blitzed it, fastest
road car ever round there.

I can guarantee
the Senna will be quicker.

- Guaran...
- Here we go again. Good.

I promise it will be.

I promise.

If it isn't, can we blow up
your house?

I haven't finished
building it yet.

Well, when you've finished
building it, can we blow it up?

Yes.

No, I am so confident
the Senna will be faster,

that if it isn't, when I've finished
building my house, you can blow it up again.

You do know that we will?
We will do that.

- We will do that.
- We will.

We'll wait till you're in.

Let's play the tape, come on.
Let's have a look.

There's Abby, and she's off,

flying away from the line
like a stabbed rat.

And coming onto
the Isn't Straight.

Already carrying
some serious speed.

Looking busy at the wheel on
the bumpy surface of our track,

but those hydraulically interconnected
dampers are doing their job

of keeping it all tied down.

Oh, that is flying!

She's already dropping down
into Your Name Here.

Some squeal from
the Pirelli P Zero Trofeos

as she carves round there
and then it's back on the gas

to unleash
that mighty twin turbo V8

for the return run
down to the Isn't.

I am feeling confident here!

Right, now hard on those
incredible carbon ceramic brakes

for the tight, and technical,
Old Lady's House.

No excess weight
to drag the nose wide.

And now, on the fast run
to Substation,

riding the ruts
and lumps with ease.

Two corners left.

More tyre squeal through there,

rear wing doing its thing.

And now a bit of oversteer
and across the line.

Looks good, it does look good.

But...

Got everything we need
to blow it up?

There it is, there's the
Huracán Performante.

1.16.8.

And I have guaranteed
it'll be faster

or you'll blow my house up.

And you're doing well on facts
this week, so far, aren't you?

How are you feeling?

- Totally relaxed.
- Are you really?

Thing is, we haven't got far
to go to blow it up, have we?

It's just gonna be over there.

Come on, let's see
how fast it was.

Oh, oh...

- Damn!
- 1:12!

That is serious.

That's four seconds quicker.

That's quicker than the Vulcan, and
the Vulcan isn't even road legal.

That's absolutely amazing.

That is astonishing and we can add it
to the list of things that you know.

- Anyway, we must now get back to our film.
- Yes.

Earlier on, we decided
that Detroit should be

a big sort of
petrolhead theme park,

so we went over there with
three tuned muscle cars.

So far we've staged a drag
race, done some doughnuts

and Jeremy has driven over
some vegetables.

And then the next day, we decided that
what Detroit really needs is a racetrack.

Yeah, even though
it already has two.

Yes, but we wanted
something more earthy.

So we headed
for the city centre.

As we headed
for the downtown area,

I decided to do a bit of
muscle car housekeeping.

Can I just ask everybody what
your average fuel consumption

has been
since we got to Detroit?

Overall, over the whole trip,
eight mpg.

Yeah, mine is a healthy
3.9 miles per gallon.

You're joking? 3.9?

Yes, siree Bob.

13 mpg from the Mustang.

Is it a hybrid?

If it had been a hybrid, it
would have fitted in very well

with what the centre of
Detroit has become these days.

Florist... cafés...

Oh, for heaven's sake,
Urban Ramen!

No, no, no, no!

In 1997, in downtown Detroit,

someone put a gun
against my head.

Now it's just all hipsters
with dogs and bicycles.

If you want to start a tech business,
bugger off to San Francisco.

Oh, for God's sake, have you
seen this little urban garden?

Oh, no.

Why has he got such
a problem with gardens?

Look down there,
it's just all greenhouses

full of little artisan... soaps.

There's a Tesla!

There's a bloody Tesla
in Detroit!

If only the world were full of
people like Jeremy Clarkson.

Then we could have
slavery and witch burning.

Right, well, we've
established one thing.

The centre of Detroit...
that ain't a racetrack,

that's a wholefood market.

We need to get out of here,
this is the enemy.

Having returned to
the rundown suburbs,

we eventually found the perfect
place to build a racetrack:

Cadillac's old
Conner Avenue Factory.

For over 60 years, they stamped
out the body panels here

for icons, like
the Eldorado, the Fleetwood,

and the Coupe de Ville.

If it were up to James,
this creaking monument

to the Motor City's decline
would be turned into a shrubbery.

But it wasn't up to James.

So it would become a Monte
Carlo-style tunnel feature

on our Detroit-themed racetrack.

Right, so what I
thought we'd do is

we'd name all of the corners
and all of the straights

after various musicians
who are from Detroit.

So, for example, put that there, and
then this would be Alice Cooper Corner.

- Yeah, nice touch.
- And I've got all the faces.

I've got Glenn Frey from the
Eagles, Jack White, Madonna,

Aretha Franklin, Bob Seger,
Ted Nugent.

What's that stick for?

Oh, that's um...
that's Iggy pop.

- Oh, yeah, it's like he's here.
- Yeah, exactly.

Then as we go into
the back section over there,

you've got Marvin Gaye, Stevie
Wonder, Eminem, Diana Ross,

Sonny Bono, Martha Reeves,

Anthony Kiedis, Smokey Robinson.

You look in the book
and you just go...

"They can't all be
from Detroit!"

Did you know Madonna
was from Detroit?

No.

Because building the track
involved heavy machinery

and manual labour,

Hammond insisted on
doing everything himself.

That is gonna be a fast corner.

Despite this, though,
he soon had everything ready.

Sadly, though, he had got
a bit confused about

naming the corners
after local musicians.

- What?
- Why have you... Why have you got The Edge?

Well, you said there was
Sonny Bono.

Yes, Hammond, Sonny Bono

and The Edge from the famous
Detroit rock band U2.

Exactly.

Because the track had been built by
the world's most accident-prone driver,

we thought it best that
the God-fearing Exorcist

should christen it.

So bumpy!

What the hell is this?

What's that, some sort of
chicane he's put in there?

Whoa, slippery,
that's slippery as hell!

What? That...
That's unbelievably narrow!

What's he thinking of?

Oh, hello.

Here he comes.

After his run, James couldn't wait to
give Hammond some constructive feedback.

I just wanna say, Hammond,
you witless dishcloth!

That is the worst racetrack
I've ever been round.

It's slippery, it's full of holes, it's
full of obstacles for you to crash into.

- It's narrow.
- It's challenging, isn't it? Technical.

It's not challenging. It's only
about that much bigger than the car

and it's made of butter.

And... it appears to be
full of asbestos waste.

Oh, it is full of asbestos.

- Sorry about that.
- Well, thank you!

Close your window.

All of us then
set about our practice laps,

on Hammond's death trap.

Thin bit! Oh, God!

I can't see a bloody thing.

My own car doesn't fit
round my own racetrack!

What have I done?

Despite the peril, though,

we gave it everything.

And by the end of the session,

there was nothing in it between
The Demon and the Exorcist.

The Mustang, though, that
was in a league of its own.

♪ I'm not gonna take it
any more ♪

56.4.

Yes, you're fastest.

Well, of course
it's the fastest,

it's a muscle car that handles.

However, these were just
unofficial practice laps.

Now it was time
for the one-shot,

winner-takes-all real thing.

In three, two, one...

Begin!

Brakes for that bit.
Bit of downshift.

Massive bump.

Oh, God!

Hammond.

Slippery.

And here he is. Here he comes.

- I've pooed myself.
- Funny noise.

However, the trouser accident
had clearly been worth it.

You've just broken
your own record.

- That's remarkable cos...
- 59.66.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I'm happy with that and I
haven't hit any famous musicians

or bits of old car factory.

Next it was
the turn of Corporal Crash.

Where's the fire engine gone?

Fire engine's over there,
ambulance is...

Oh, we're all comedians today.

Remember,
if you lose to James May...

It's more humiliating,
It's worse than death.

In three, two, one, go.

Looking for grip.

Turn in neat, crisp
by The Edge. Whoa!

Oh, he's gone over The Edge!

Again.

Oh-oh.

- Hammond's lap's going well.
- Yeah, isn't it?

So which corner is that
he's gone off on?

I mean, obviously it is him.

Amazingly, it wasn't.

Is that Madonna?
That's Madonna. I dunno.

Now we're in the open.

Oh, Christ!

Yes, no, Beelzebub's got
a bit of understeer there.

That felt good.
It felt like a quick one.

Ah, I don't know
how to put this to you but...

- No, no, no, no, no.
- Yeah, yeah.

Point four of a second
slower than James May!

This is what death feels like.

OK, get out of the Demon,

we've done the Demon
and The Exorcist.

It's time for the Blue Nun.

- Blue Nun?
- Yeah.

Totally pointless
waste of time this.

We've established the Mustang is
the fastest by an enormous margin.

Um... I'd better go and do it,
I suppose.

Jeremy smug in My
Little Pony. Are you ready?

In three, two, one, begin!

Ohh, yes!

This is a properly
sorted track car.

That's what
we're looking at here.

Properly sorted it may be.

But I had a plan that
would spoil its afternoon.

- You're running!
- I know, but you'll see.

Gotta get down to this corner
before he gets back.

Help me tip this over.

- What is it?
- It's organic palm oil.

Very slippery.

It's the revenge
of the urban farmer.

Into the blind bend.
There is Stevie Wonder.

You do know it's palm oil that's
ruining life for the world's orangutans?

Only this one.

Come on, come on.

Short shifting into third.

Ohhh!

And on that terrible
disappointment...

- For him.
- It's back to the tent.

- You!
- What?

- I thought it had been you.
- Oh, no.

You ruined my lap.

You said Detroit
had to be a playground

and that's what I was doing,
I was playing.

Listen,
can my practice time stand?

Cos that was still the quickest.

That's not how it works.

You can't just say that because you
were the quickest in qualifying,

you would have won the race
if you hadn't crashed.

- Well, I can say it.
- You can say it.

I could say I'm the captain
of the English cricket team.

I wouldn't be any good at it.

Ah, well, moving on.

I know where
he was going with that.

Anyway, look,
in part one of that film,

we said that we would have a race
between the Demon and The Exorcist,

a drag race, yeah?

And then it never happened.

Except it did.

Yeah. You see, Dodge said we
couldn't drag race it on the street.

But they didn't say
anything about airfields.

So after we'd finished at our
track, we found one of those.

I bowed out of this,
like I said, cos the Mustang

in a drag racing environment's
never gonna win.

It became a two-horse race between
Sir Crashalot and the Onanist, OK?

But we have a problem.

See, we only have time left in the
show, realistically, for one more thing.

We've got the guest segment.
This week I should tell you,

it's between Howard
from the Halifax adverts...

and Adrian Chiles,

to find the fastest person you don't
really hear from much any more.

We'll have a vote, I think.

Who here would like to see
the celebrity segment?

There's one over there.

And who'd like to see
the drag race?

- Does that mean they're not coming on?
- Very much so, James.

So here it is, then, the race
between good and evil.

Right, here we go, viewers.

It's either salvation or a world
plunged into eternal darkness.

OK, this is it: The race
between good and evil.

Are we ready, gentlemen?

- We ready?
- No.

What's happening?

I've got a couple of things
to do before we start.

Are you saying you can't
just drag race this now?

Well, you've gotta do it properly,
this is a proper drag racing car!

What is he doing?

This is what you get
when you buy a Demon.

Costs you an extra dollar
and you get this crate.

Oh-ho-ho!

It's like a picnic hamper
for men.

Then, underneath,
and to either side,

I've got boxes with the new
EC - I've everything I need.

- ECU?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look at that!

He's got this enormous crate
and some bags

and tins... full of tools,

with two space savers and...

Space saver wheels?

Hang on.

Why are you putting
space savers on it?

They're drag racing
tyres, they're lighter.

I don't need grip at
the front, just got to steer.

What else does he have to do,
apart from change the wheels?

Um... he's got a new ECU to fit.

- Are you serious?
- Yes.

So it's not really
a drag racing car at all?

It will be once he's
completely rebuilt it.

This is an old-fashioned view of television
but I think we've lost the moment.

I think I agree with you. This was
gonna be the big end of the show,

good versus evil.

I could have walked
to the end by now.

I've gotta take back tyre
pressures down to 20 psi.

Nice fat, squishy contact patch.

Exactly 25 minutes so far it's taken
him to do his quarter-mile run.

Oh, so, this is where it
breathes through its eye.

Look at that! That goes
at the back of its eye.

So...

Hammond, that is a significant component.
What is it?

- Air filter.
- Does it not have an air filter?

Yeah, but this is a performance one.
It's gonna gulp through air.

- Right, so that's it, good.
- Now I've gotta do the ECU.

Which goes in here, I believe.
I'll have to take that out.

So he's now got a different ECU just
telling the engine to be powerful.

Right, why didn't they just
put that in from the start?

That's good to go.

Sadly, though, it wasn't.

He's now refuelling his car with
a special... How many octane?

It's ethanol and gasoline
mixture... um... 104.

After the refuelling,
we hoped he was done.

But, no.

Right, hang on a minute.
I've got to put it

in neutral to get
that in the middle.

Hammond, you're taking
the whole dashboard off.

This has to come out because I'm
gonna put in a new control panel here.

I get a new button on it.

He's taking the whole centre
console out, the whole of that.

He's had to put it in
neutral to lift it all off.

What for?

Because you can then fit
a button, that enables him

to select what sort of fuel
he's running on.

Why don't they just put
that in from the start?

This all goes back in here,
with my new switch gear in.

It's an hour and seven minutes.

Actually, you're right,
it is. It's over an hour now.

God!

There we go.

Finally, the rebuild
of the Demon was complete.

It was time for the drivers
to warm their tyres.

In three, two, one, burn out!

Right, your tyres are warm.
Are you now ready?

- What?
- Are you ready to come to the start line?

- No!
- What do you mean, no?

- No, that was just a celebratory burnout.
- Oh, jeez, he's got out.

I've done all the building work,
now I've gotta set the car up.

I've gotta get in the right
modes, there's stuff to do, mate.

Oh, I've had enough.
I'm sorry, I've had enough.

Bye.

We're never gonna do this.

So, I need to go into Drag.
Drag Mode Activating.

Excellent. Drag Transmission,
Drag Traction, Power.

So Power needs to go up to 840.

We are now in High Octane.

Ho-ho!

I've never known
anything like it.

With our starter
on his way back to London,

the traffic lights
were brought in,

and finally we were ready to go.

I'm gonna bust your ass,
evil boy!

Oh, yes.

What are you gonna
do with it now?

Cos I've seen the film
and I wouldn't do it.

I'm getting ahead!
I think I'm getting ahead!

Come on, Demon!

Argh, so annoying!

Urghh!

Aha! Evil wins!

Evil wins! Woo-hoo!

Ye-e-e-s!

Yes!

Victory for the Demon.

Thank you. Ha-ha!

- Cos I won.
- Yes, you won.

- You did win. Well done.
- You noticed, then?

- Yes, I noticed it.
- That I won?

At the end of the race, my car

was in front of your car,
which means I won.

Can I just point out, first
you had to spend half a day

rebuilding half your car, and
then you had to run it on fuel

that you can't buy from
a normal petrol station.

Wait a minute, your Excrement runs
on that clever fuel all the time.

I was sort of banking on
you not knowing that.

- Yes, well, I do know.
- Gentlemen, gentlemen.

I think we have to agree,
the Mustang is the only car

here that ticks
all the muscle car boxes.

It's cheap, it's powerful,
it runs on fuel you can buy,

and you can have it with the
steering wheel on the correct side.

You don't get it, do you?
You just don't get it.

A muscle car is supposed to
have 1,000 horsepower,

be undriveable
and have a stupid name.

It's called Ready To Rock!
That is a stupid name!

Listen, Hammond, not only are you
the fiscal brain of this operation...

I am.

You're also the resident
muscle car enthusiast, yes?

So, and I know the answer to this, cos
you told me on the plane on the way home.

Of the three cars, which
would you actually buy?

- Buy?
- Buy.

- With my own money?
- Yes.

- Buy? Myself?
- Yes. Yes.

- It's the Mustang.
- There you go, the Mustang.

And so on that terrible
disappointment for you...

Snowflakes. -...It's time...
it's time to end.

Now, next week it
is a Grand Tour Special,

where we attempt to become
the first ever television show

in the history of television

to go to Colombia
and not use the C-word.

See you then. Goodbye.