The Grand Tour (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 12 - [censored] to [censored] - full transcript

Hello, everybody.

Hello. Hello.

Greetings!

That doesn't get any worse.

Hello.

Hello, and welcome!

Welcome to The Grand Tour,

which, once again, comes to you

from the shores of Loch Ness
in Scotland.

Now...

The reason why
we're still here is,



after last week's show,

these two got talking
to a man in the local town,

who has convinced them that,

in that lake,
there is a monster.

Well, there is a monster.

Have you seen it?

No, but the man
was very convincing.

Did he sell you a tea towel

with a drawing
of the monster on it?

He did, and now we know
what the monster looks like.

Exactly. We've also got
photographs of the monster.

- Look, we've got this one.
- That's a log.

And we've got
this one. Look at that!

- Monster.
- Another log.



Can I just draw your
attention to a picture
I've got? Here it is.

Well, that's
not a monster, is it?

No, that is an elephant
shrew. Well spotted.

Now, this is the Nissan GT-R
among animals.

Have you ever seen it
on the move?
It's phenomenal!

It leaves a rooster tail
and it corners like it's
got downforce.

But my point is,
this is a very rare animal,

and yet the photograph of it
is in sharp focus and colour.

Now, all the pictures
of your monster are
in black and white.

- Well, maybe it is
black and white.
- And blurry.

Maybe it's blurry.

This has been driving me mad
all week, so I decided

to go for a drive on some of
Scotland's, let's be honest,

brilliant driving roads.

- They are...
They are fantastic.

And actually, speaking of which,

something called the
North Highland Initiative,

set up by Prince Charles,

a few years ago it came up
with the North Coast 500.

Now, this was going
to be Scotland's answer
to Route 66 in America.

Miles of amazing scenery.
Incredible road.

Got a picture
of a bit of it here.

Look at that.

Huge success.

Loads of big spenders came

with their Lamborghinis,
and their Ferraris
and their Porsches.

Hotels were full,
restaurants were packed.

Local economy booming.

So how long do you think it was

before the local newspaper

carried a headline containing
the following words:

"police" and "crackdown"?

Ten days.

- Two days.
- Two days.

"Oh, we can't have people
driving along that!

You might run
into a pedestrian!"

It's a road!

I know it is.
And then you've got the A9.

Ninety-nine miles
of continuous
average speed camera.

- Ninety-nine?
- Ninety-nine miles.

Now, I'm sorry, you lot,
I presume you're all
petrolheads, yes?

Yes!

So let me ask you a question.

Dying in your beds,

many years from now...

...would you be willing
to trade all the days,

from this day to that,

for one chance,

just one chance,

to come back and say
to the Scottish Safety
Camera Partnership,

"You can take our licences,

but you can't take our freedom"?

Freedom! Freedom!

Freedom! Freedom!
Freedom! Freedom! Freedom!

Now look what you've done!

Thank you.

Look what you've done!

- I know.
- That's dangerous!

- I know.
- Let's get on with the show.

Yes.
In tonight's car programme...

An ant in a jar.

A dog on a lead.

And some beans on a table.

But first,

when someone wants to buy

a large and very fast
saloon car,

they tend to buy German.

They think there is
no alternative.

But is there?

This is the Lexus GS F.

And straight away,
we can see that it isn't
an especially handsome car.

And it's a Lexus,

which marks its owner out
as a golf enthusiast

and possibly... a bore.

And things are worse

when you try to live with it
for a while.

The most annoying thing,
apart from the buttons
on the steering wheel,

all of which seem to retune
the radio to a station
you don't like very much,

apart from that,
every time you reach for

a can of zesty drink
in the cup holder...

I've done it again!

You can't help but nudge
the mouse

which sets the destination
on the satnav

to where you are.

In 300 yards, right turn.

I don't need to be told
how to get here.

I'm already here.

Next right, then right turn.

Oh, God.
Now it's trying to make me
go back there a few yards.

I was there!

So, apart from a fiddly
and annoying satnav...

Next right, then right turn.

...what else
do you get for your £70,000?

Er... Not much, really.

Er... You don't get Wi-Fi

or Apple CarPlay,
or gesture control.

You don't even get
a DSG gearbox.

Seats don't massage you
as you drive along,

it can't park itself.

Erm...

But you do get a DVD player.

And how 1996 is that?

This car, then, is sparsely
equipped and annoying.

However, it's also rather good.

First of all,
there's the engine.

BMW and Mercedes
both use turbocharging

to balance the need for power

with the need
for good emissions...

but this doesn't.

This mixes the fuel
with the air,

and then,
with no trickery at all,

blows it up!

Of course, that does mean

the GS F
isn't very kind to animals.

And that's a bad thing,
make no mistake.

But on the upside,

listen to the noise it makes!

At medium revs,
it sounds baleful,

like a... lonely dog.

But when you build the revs up,
it sounds like what it is:

a normally aspirated
five-litre V8.

It doesn't produce anything
like the power or the torque

you get from its turbocharged
German rivals,

but for sheer excitement...

It's like being tickled
by a goddess.

And it's not exactly slow.

It does 0-60
in four-and-a-half seconds.

And flat out, it'll do
nearly 170 miles an hour.

And then there's the handling.

It's hard to believe
that this is a large

and extremely comfortable
five-seater

with a boot that's big enough
for your golf bats

and all your Freemasonry
paraphernalia,

because...
it feels like a sports car.

You can change the way
the car behaves

with various knobs here
and buttons here,

but I've got everything
turned off

so I can get a feel
for how the car behaves

without
an electronic safety blanket.

And I like it!

Look at that.

The steering's not brilliant
at low speeds,

but when you've got the arse
hanging out like that...

it's fantastic!

Yes!

Time for another zesty drink.

Oh, damn it!

- In 300 yards...
- I know where I am!

Next right.
Then right turn.

Oh, for God's sake!

For living with
on a day-to-day basis,

German cars are far better.

But as a driving machine,
and you may find this
conclusion surprising...

I think the GS F
has them licked.

Well, well.

Now...

Now, I should point out,
there is a new BMW M5
coming later this year,

but it'll have to go some
to be better than that GS F.

- It really will.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But exactly how many
animals were harmed
in the making of it?

- A lot!
- One of them was a tortoise!

I know.
Let's gloss over that, OK?

And let's find out now
how fast the Lexus
goes round the Eboladrome.

And that, of course, means
handing it over to a man

who thinks that fruit
is from the Soviet Union.

Yeah, it's the American.

He's coiled and ready.

And he's off!

Unleashing all
the 471 wailing horsepower

for the first sprint
of the Isn't Straight.

What the hell does all
this shit do in here?

All he needs
is two pedals and a wheel

to unleash
the full shock and awe.

Traction control?

If you want something
with a mind of its own...

get a horse, get married.

Fortunately, he doesn't need
the electronic nannies.

Pushing it hard
up to Your Name Here,

and now leaning
on the mighty Brembo brakes.

Gentle now,
letting the torque-vectoring
diff do its thing.

And then back on the throttle

so that mighty V8 can sing
its song once more.

If they would have let me
bring my gun,

I'd have probably
shot myself by now.

And that would be a waste
of great talent.

Right, another fast dash
up the Isn't,

and now shifting rapidly down
the eight-speed automatic

as he arrives
at Old Lady's House.

Feeding it precisely through
there on this damp track,

before opening it up
for the broken surface
down to Substation.

Giving the fixed-rate dampers
a good workout here.

Two corners left.

Tidy through there.

Just Field of Sheep to go.

And he's right on the edge of
the grip and across the line!

It did look good.
It did look good.

- It did look good.
- How did it do?

A-ha!

Well, now let's find out
where it goes
on the Lap Board.

Remember, it was damp.

Er...

Oh... Oh.

Oh, wow! Wow!

So it's slower than
an already-out-of-date BMW,

it makes you look like
a Freemason,

and it causes animals
to explode.

Yes. Yes, but...

Yes, but it's just another
of your excellent
recommendations, Jeremy.

Thank you very much.
Never mind.

Yes, thank you
very much, indeed.

And now we must move on,

because it is time to set
the satnav for destination chat,

as we head down
Conversation Street.

- It hurt.
- That hurt?

- It hurt.
- It did? But not as much
as the wine bottle last week.

Now, Mercedes, they've come up
with this plan, or this idea,

where you can rent your car out
when you're not using it.

Is that a bit like erm...
Airbnb?

Exactly like Airbnb.

The thing Mercedes
haven't realised is that we,

and I'm sure
you all agree with me,

we form an emotional bond
with our car.

- We're attached to them.
- Exactly.

So renting it to someone else

would be like renting out
your pet.

Yeah, or your penis.

- Yes.
- I'm attached to it, I mean.
That's what I mean.

One would hope so, yeah.

You wouldn't want
to see somebody else
having fun with it.

- No, it's mine!
- Exactly. Exactly.

And that's what I'm on about.
Mercedes has obviously got it
into its head,

and this really worries me,
because it's a large
car company,

that cars are just tools,
like microwave ovens
or fridge freezers,

that we'll just sort of
gladly, "Borrow it.
I don't really care."

You're absolutely right.
They are very emotional.

Because you know
if you have a car,
eventually you sell it,

but then you see somebody
else driving around in it,
that always feels bad.

It's a bit like watching
your ex-girlfriend do sex
with someone else.

No. And after
a terrible evening
in a wardrobe, I know.

It's strangely undermining.

I'm sorry to interrupt.
See those circles
in the lake just there?

- Monster! Monster!
- It's a monster!

- I just saw...
Did anyone else see that?
- Monster! Monster!

It's real. I told you.

Since we can't agree on this,
is there a monster
in the loch?

Yes!

Right, there you go.
They live here,
they would know.

And if there were no monster,
what would you do for
a tourist industry up here?

Sell tea towels
without monsters on them.

No, I'm not having that,
because what you're saying is,

"Come to beautiful Scotland."
As you've said, lovely roads,
lovely scenery.

There's a hotel,
a beautiful lake.

Why would they say,
"Yeah, but there's a monster"?

That would be like saying,
"Come to Yorkshire.

It's beautiful.
We've got the plague, you know?"

- They they wouldn't do that.
- We've got distracted
a little bit.

- We have got a bit off-topic.
- What were we talking about?

We were talking about him
hiding in a wardrobe,

watching an ex-girlfriend
have sex.

- Yeah, that was an over-share.
- It was a bit of an over-share.

It was either that or he'd
rented his penis out.
I can't remember.

Something along those lines.

But actually, there's a point
I just want to make on this

about this emotional
connection we have
with our cars.

Cos you know
when you scrap a car?
It really is very tragic.

When you watch a car that's
got all those shared memories
going into the crusher.

- It's the end of the road.
- It is.

There's this...
a new organisation.

It's called Charity Car,
where you can give your car
to them,

they deal with all the
paperwork and what have you
and take your car away.

Yeah? And then they give
the money that they raised
to a charity of your choice.

- That's a nice idea.
I like that.
- It is a nice idea.

So that, you know,
it's sad your old car's gone,

but now... you know,
a donkey can be rescued.

And your car lives on
in the smile of
an abandoned donkey.

That's a beautiful thing.
That's what we're about.

- That's what this show is,
it's all heart.

- It's what we are.
those are the two pillars

that underpin everything,
really, on this show.

- I've got some
conversation for you.
- Have you?

Yes, which is that there's
a website that tells you

how many
of any given type of car

are still left on the roads
of Britain today, yes?

And I'm afraid we have
some sad news.

Yeah, we do.
This is a big worry.

You remember
the Citroën Saxo VTS, yeah?
There it is.

The car of the angry yob.

It is the ideal car to nip
out and steal a chainsaw in.

A fabulous, proper, fizzy
little hatchback. Loved it.

Well, in 2008, there were
5,000 of them on the road.

- This year, 491 left
on the road.
- See?

And, in fact...
I know, this is a worry.

Look, we've got a little chart.
We've drawn this up.

At that rate, by 2019,
they'll all have gone.

There's also
the Vauxhall Calibra 16V.

There's a picture.
We used to love that.

Do you know, there are
only 323 of those left,

and they could be extinct
within a year.

And what's interesting
is there are people
all over the world

working hard to save the tiger
from extinction,

but nobody is doing anything

to save
the Vauxhall Calibra 16V.

- We've identified
something here.
- No, there isn't.

However, there is some
good news in all of this.
The Morris Ital.

175,000 of these...

turds were made,

were squeezed out by the Austin.

And in 2015,
there were only 35 left.

Yes! Now you can cheer!

- That is good news.
- It's good news.

Only 35 on the road.

No. Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.
You're absolutely right.

But before you celebrate,
yes, 35 left on the road
in 2015.

- Mm-hm.
- In 2016... there were 47.

What, so they're going up?

- Are they mating?
- No. No.

I think people
are restoring them.

- What people?
- Mad people.

Anyway, look...
No, you're possibly right,
but I've done a calculation.

And at that rate...
That's a 34% increase
in just one year.

And at that rate,
by the year 2044,

all 175,000 Morris Itals
will be back on the road.

- Oh, my God!
- This is a disaster.

It is. That, ladies
and gentlemen, is Brexit.

backwards with Britain.

It is time now,
since we've reached the end
of Conversation Street,

to select reverse
and have a look at this.

This is the Bentley Bentayga.

A massive, luxurious,
four-wheel-drive

SUV shooting brake.

The question is,

is it any good,
or is it a load of...

What's the word?

Well, to find out,
James brought it here...

to the German Alps.

Right, I'll get straight
to the point.

It is tremendous.

The important thing
to remember about
this car is this.

It's not an off-roader,
it's not an SUV.

It's not an off-roader,
it's not an SUV.
First and foremost,
it's a Bentley.

First and foremost,
it's a Bentley.

That's what this car is about.

I'm already loving it.

But then... guess what?

The problem is
that a barebones Bentley

costs £160,000,

and for £12,000 less than that,

you can have this.

An all-singing, all-dancing,
everything-fitted-as-standard

5L supercharged Range Rover.

Or, for £120,000 less
than that, you can have this,

the new Jaguar F-PACE.

And it's not like this thing
is a garden shed.

It's got loads
of clever stuff on it.

So if you're coming back
from the shops

with your arms
full of heavy bags,

you can open the boot
with your foot.

- Yeah, but I can do that
with a Range Rover.
- Yes, but it's £120,000 more!

- And you don't get
one of these. Look.
- What is it?

It's a waterproof,
go-anywhere bracelet

that you use to lock...

and unlock it,
and start the engine,

so you don't need to carry keys
in your pocket.

That...

- That's actually
quite a good idea.
- I know, it's brilliant.

- How do you charge it up?
- I don't know. Maybe it's
like one of those watches.

- Oh, hello.
- Oh.

Puff Daddy is arriving.

- Do you think
he's wearing a chain?

You know, that thing costs
four times more than the Jag.

And it's not like the badges
are that different.

That Jag is... a car.

This is more of a statement.

This is a new way
of understanding

the condition of being human.

It is the last word in luxury.

It's a very
expensive statement, though.

I mean, if you've got
the money to buy that,
you could buy the Jag

and still have £130,000
to spend on a PR agent

to put you on breakfast TV
talking about how great you are.

It costs £130,000 more
for a reason.

Jags are for deluded
middle-aged men

who entertain tragic fantasies
about being Lotharios.

I know, I've had four of them!

If you're talking about
brands with delusion - hello!

- Bentley, that's what it is.
- Guys.

- What?
- We are not gonna
sort this out in a car park.

We need to go for a drive,

and I have worked out a route
on this map here, OK?

We are in the village of...
Wank,

and we'll go from...
Wank to Kissing,

then on to Petting.

Then... this place.

And then... Wedding.

So, Wank, Kissing, Petting,
, Wedding.

Yes. It'll be a journey
through life without
leaving Central Europe.

Yeah, it will. Let's do it.

Very excited,

we set off
on what the Germans call
the Romantic Road.

So, we are leaving
the town of Wank.

What's that?
"Thank you for..."

What? Oh, yeah.

And after just a few minutes,

something very unusual happened.

Guys...

I can't think of
anything to say.

What a relief.

No, but I really can't,

because if you want
a large, luxury off-roader,

you buy a Range Rover.

The end.

The end, move on.

James, however,

had lots to say
about his Bentayga.

Hey, chaps, did you know

the stereo in my car
has got 18 speakers?

Is that all? Mine's got 27.

Yeah, all playing rubbish.

Thanks, Hammond.

Actually, 27 speakers
is not the point.

My car stereo produces 1,950W,

making it the most powerful
stereo ever put in a car.

In fact, it's about
the only thing in here
that does make a noise.

This is a little bit like
driving along
in the British Library.

It's very quiet,
it's very refined.

The carpets are very thick.

Which means you simply
aren't ready for what happens

when you put your foot down.

Whoa!

So this has an all-new
W12 600-horsepower engine,

and it's like being
in a leather-trimmed
volcanic eruption.

It doesn't accelerate,
it goes off.

Bloody Nora!

Sadly, at this point, Jeremy
thought of something to say.

See that?
That's the prison

where Hitler wrote Mein Kampf.

Yeah. Where are you going
with that?

Nowhere, really.

Just thought
you might like to know.

Good.
Let's get back to the cars.

Now, you might be thinking
that because Jaguar is owned
by the same company

that own Land Rover,
this is just a Freelander
with a Jaguar badge on it,

but it's not.

Underneath is the same
basic aluminium structure

you find under a Jaguar XE,

which is a fantastic car,
so that's good.

I do only get
a 3L supercharged V6,

which means
375 brake horsepower.

That's 225 less than James's,
let's be honest,

leather-lined Audi Q7.

But this is light,

so it ain't no slouch.

I like the way this thing
handles itself.

I like the way,
when you change direction,

when you turn,
it controls its weight,

what there is of it,
across the axles.

That makes it feel nimble,
eager.

It doesn't feel like
I'm sitting in a stately home
falling off a cliff.

Soon, James was in my way.

Oh, look.

James, you should be
where I am. You can see
Buckingham Palace and...

Oh, no,
it's the back of your car.

I like it when my man is
following me. Do you have
the luggage for the weekend?

Come on, James.

You might have all
the horsepower in the world,
but you are in the way.

Stay with that, Birmingham boy.

James, are you worried all
your furniture will slide
about if you go any faster?

Oh, tunnel.

Excellent.
I have important work to do.

Honestly, the plebs make such
a noise about everything.

That is putting
the S back in SUV.

This is a sporty
sports-utility vehicle.

And the sport is not fishing.

Sadly, our playtime
was then interrupted

by a worrying call
from Clarkson.

Erm... guys, we've had
a text from Mr Wilman.

Oh, God. What does it say?

It said that to sort out
the performance differences,

we should go to
a nearby airstrip,

where he'd laid on
some competition.

So we did.

Chaps, this is what
we're up against.

BMW X5 M.

4.4L, twin-turbocharged,
567 horsepower.

That is fairly serious
competition.

If you think about it,
it's gonna be Britain
versus Germany.

Well, not really.
Your two cars are Indian
and mine's German as well.

All right, it's gonna be
India versus Germany,

and I shall be victorious
in my mighty lighty Jaguar.

Right.
Well, you see,
you won't be.

Not in a million years.

Sorry about wasting your time
with this race.

You could launch a car that
does a million miles an hour

and costs 8p and runs on water,

and people would still buy
Range Rovers,

because why would you not?

OK, air-conditioning is off.

It's in dynamic mode,
gearbox is in sport.

Come on, little Jag.

So I'm not really worried
about Pinky and Perky's
challenge,

but the BMW does worry me.

Almost as much power,
very obviously lighter.

A lot of well-to-do people
in Britain

will want to know
the result of this race

before they choose
what colour Range Rover
they'd like

for next year's shooting season.

Where's the Bentley gone?

I'm losing, everybody.

Come on!

150... Oh, no!

Oh, no! Where is he
getting that from?

Easy.

Last. Stone-dead last.

Bugger it.

Yes, yes. Well done, James.

Oh, who knew, if you spend
four times as much on a car,

you get one that's a tiny bit
faster than another?

Ssh! You two just haven't got
the message, have you?

- What, that you lost?
- Yeah. Well...

No, the message is very clear.
Underpants, OK?

You can buy a cheap pair
from a market stall,

or you can buy
an expensive pair
with gold thread in them,

or you can do what
everyone does, you go
to Marks & Spencer's.

Marks & Spencer's,
if you're watching this
not in the UK,

is where we all
buy our pants from.

Well, I don't.

After the race,
we resumed our journey,

and Richard and James
resumed their bickering.

What does
F-PACE mean? It sounds like
a domestic cleaning product.

I think your Bentley
would look better
with alabaster lions

instead of door mirrors.

I was going to ask if
the glovebox is permanently
locked shut in the Jag,

because that's where you keep
your wallet.

The front of your Bentley
looks silly.

It just looks a bit daft.

And why was it you didn't get
Brian Sewell's old job?

Does the options list
for your Bentley Bentayga

include oil paintings
of imaginary ancestors?

I apologise for the noises
these two are making.

I realise you're all
sitting at home going,

"What are they on about?
I just want the Range Rover."
Of course you do.

The only reason you'd buy
the Bentley is cos your hip-hop
record's gone to number one,

and the only reason you'd buy
the Jag is cos you can't
afford a Range Rover.

Since Jeremy had brought up
the subject of money...

I don't know
how they can sell you one
of these for from 34 grand.

And this one,
with everything on it,

quite apart from
a V6 supercharged engine,

it's got leather everything,
iPhone connectivity,

radar-distance control,
voice control, electric boot,

magic key
you wear on your wrist.

All of that
still only costs 51 grand.
How do they do that?

Next to everything else,
it suddenly looks like
the bargain of the century.

Jeremy, this car
is better than yours.

Well, now, it just isn't, is it?

You're being a...
What's the word?

We then flashed through
the village of Kissing,

getting it over with
as quickly as possible.

Then we went through Petting.

And to make sure
we reached erm...

third base before bedtime,

we decided to set our satnavs.

Please name the country.

Austria.

Please name the city.

Foo-cking.

Excuse me?

Sorry?

Sorry?

Is your destination Selking?

No. Foo-cking.

- Kraking has been accepted.
- Which street should I select?

Sorry?

I can't say it.
People are listening.

Sorry?

Thankfully, Hammond
had decided to program

his bargain-basement system
manually.

F.

U.

K.

It's gone in!

And soon, we crossed
the border into Austria.

It's very, very pretty, Austria.

No idea why Hitler
was in such a bad mood.

Eventually, we arrived...

erm...

here.

So is this the climax
of this stage of our journey?

Is it all it's cracked up to be?

That's what I want to know.

Cos often it can be
a disappointment,
the first time you go there.

The first time I came here,
I couldn't find the way in.

Once we'd arrived in...

...James was very keen

we should get in the back
of his Bentley.

What's really incongruous
about this is that you're
very obviously in a Bentley.

All this looks very Bentley,

until you look down here
and see these symbols
on this control knob,

and it's very obviously
a serious off-roader.

Oh, what, those symbols?

So you can set it for

swamp, minefield,
Christmas or Mexico? Nice.

- Yes, Hammond.
- Shall I tell you something
interesting about the wood,

or one of the woods
you can have in this?

It only grows on a cliff face
in Asia,

and the way they get it is
they have to abseil down it
with their woodworking tools.

Why don't they just use
wood from a tree that
grows in a field?

Is everything standard in here?

- No.
- No?

- No.
- So how much is this car?

- This particular one?
- Yes.

- Is 212,000 and something.
- What?

So that means
the extras in this car

cost more than Hammond's
entire Jaguar?

- How much is your Jag?
- About the same.

- What, that Jag
with all the extras?
- That is £51,450.

And this has got £52,000
worth of extras in it?

It's just a little bit more
on extras than the entire Jag.

It's great... value.

Can I just say,
James...
- Yes, do.

...I do quite like
the interior of this car.

No, I do. I'll be honest.
I like the quilted leather,

I like the wood that comes
from a cliff and all of that.

But the exterior,
I'm sorry, it's hideous.

- Ugly. Pig ugly.
- Yeah, well,
hang on a minute.

Because, do you remember,
and it is a long time ago,

when the Continental GT
first came out,

we all thought
that was hideous...

- It was.
- ...and now we all love it.

- It's one of the few things
we agree on.
- Yes. Yes, that's true.

But I think this is
more like you.

When I first met you,
I thought you were ugly.

And now
I still think you're ugly.

A crushing criticism
from one so handsome.

- James?
- What?

Unlock the doors.

James, please unlock the doors.

We're in... this place.

In the back of a car,

together.

It is remarkable, isn't it?
All those places...

I'm sure... All those
place names are real.

- They are real.
Yeah, real places.
- They really are.

Those place names are real.

Anyway, we'll pick up
that pointless test later on.

- It's not pointless!
- Yes, it is.

I already explained it
perfectly well with
the underpants thing.

And I shall be explaining
using more demonstrations
later on.

- Oh, good.
- But now it is time

for Celebrity Brain Crash!

Now, our guest...

our guest today,

he directed Batman,
Planet Of The Apes,

Edward Scissorhands.

And, after last week's
mine disaster,

he's decided to come to the
studio underneath the mines

in a miniature submarine.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Tim Burton!

Here is the submarine.
There he is,

sneaking underneath the mines.

Clever.
As he heads
cleverly towards us.

- He's out there somewhere.
- He's out there somewhere.
This is fantastic.

- What are we gonna
talk to him about?
- There's so much.

- What do you want to ask him?
About The Nightmare
Before Christmas.

It's my favourite
Christmas film.

Is it? I want
to know what it's like
to work with Johnny Depp.

Yeah, there's a lot
to talk to him about.

Oh, hello.

We've lost the feed somehow
from the sub.

Oh, God Almight...
Oh, my God!

Oh, no!

Oh!

There's obviously been
a catastrophic failure
with the submarine.

- No idea what
could have caused it.
- The monster's bitten it!

For the hundredth time, Hammond,

there is no such thing
as the Loch Ness Monster.

- Does that mean
he's not coming on, then?

Well, James, his lungs
have filled with icy water,
he's sunk to the bottom,

and his body is being
compressed to the size
of a Ping-Pong ball.

So that is a no.

It's OK, though, because
we have a back-up plan.

- Do we?
- Yes.

You see, the thing is,
these days,

- a lot of performance cars
have launch control.
- Ah, yes. Yes.

The way it works is you put
your foot on the throttle
and brake at the same time,

and the car's computer
works out exactly
how many revs you need

and exactly how much
wheelspin to give the car

so that you get
an absolutely perfect start

as soon as you just
take your foot off the brake.

Yeah, and we were wondering,
just when exactly
can you use that?

If you're in a town centre
at a set of lights going...

- Know what I mean?
- It's a bit rude.

It is,
as this short film explains.

Coconut-milk latte
with a caramel shot, please.

- OK, a coconut-milk latte
with a caramel...

- What is it for?
- Pointless.

The thing is, you can't...

you can't even use launch
control on a race track,

because you can only engage it
for three or four seconds
before it cuts out.

And because you don't know
when the lights are gonna
go green,

you don't know when
your three seconds
start, do you?

Exactly, which is why
we have decided

it is the most pointless
invention ever.

Yes, and talking of pointless,

let's get back to our film.

Er... We're road-testing
a Range Rover
and some other cars.

We began in the
German village of Wank,

and the plan was to go
through Kissing and Petting

towards Wedding,
which was our destination.

Yes, and we pick up
the action having decided
to spend the night in Fu...

We woke the next morning
in this dew-kissed village.

And over
a rather awkward breakfast,

Clarkson made an announcement.

I don't mean to be hurtful
or disrespectful,

but erm...

- Go on, spit it out.
- Well, it's...

just because we've been here,

doesn't mean we necessarily
have to go on to Wedding.

Aw!

It's me, it's not you.

No, he's right.
It's been going so well.

And if we go on to Wedding,

we'll have to carry on
and on and on,

through Routine, Boredom,

Resentment, Spare Bedroom,

Temptation, Affair,

Discovery, Remorse, Revenge,

Divorce, and then it's Death.

Or you could turn off
through Online Dating,

Meaningless Sex,
Bottomless Regret,

Financial Ruination,
and then Heart Attack.

And then you end up
at Death anyway.

Exactly, Hammond.
And that's why I'm suggesting

that instead of going
to... Wedding,

we go to the Nürburgring.

Because James's car
was the only one
that spoke German,

he set the satnav.

Nürburgring.

And then we set off.

Soon, we were on
Germany's Autobahns,

which got us thinking about
how sensible they are.

And here we are on the Autobahn.

No speed limits.

Is it chaos? No.

If you remove the speed limits,

people don't all suddenly
drive into bridge supports
at 200 miles an hour.

We're not that stupid.
Just as if you leave
the gate unlocked

at the lion closure
at a safari park,

we don't all run in
and have a picnic.

In the last 15 years,
Britain's economy
has grown by 58%,

whereas Germany's
has grown by 102%.

And that's because we're
all doing 20 miles an hour
and they're doing 200.

Speed is good for business,

and it saves lives as well.

Because when we drive
down the motorway in Britain,

we're looking at all
the gantries to see if they
have speed cameras,

or we're looking at our
speedometers to make sure
we're not breaking the limit.

We're not looking
where we're going.

Heavily enforced
speed limits kill people.

The Autobahn
also got us thinking

about how times have changed
on the SUV front.

It is amazing, really,
that an off-road vehicle

can feel this stable,

this planted,
I think the word is.

Because it's not that long ago,

if you think about early
Range Rovers and the like,

going fast was actually
quite frightening.

They had stickers
on the sun visors,
do you remember,

with a picture of the car
toppling over.

"Avoid sudden swerves."

Yes, I'd completely forgotten

about that sticker,
but you're right, it did.

"If you operate
the steering wheel,
this vehicle will fall over."

- Chaps?
- What?

There are no speed limits,
right?

So we are allowed to go
as fast as our cars will go.

But who dares actually do that?

Who dares go the fastest?

Right, if we're
going to play that game,
I might even join in.

Bang on.

Go on, James. Help yourself.

- There you go, 187, top speed.
- Really?

The thing is, you were
behind me when you started
and you still are behind me.

- I did 190.
- Oh, for God's sake!
You didn't.

That's faster
than your car will go.

In order to put
a stop to this nonsense,

I made us pull in
at the next service station.

Right, small cameras.

We fix these to the dash
where they can see the speedo,

and then there's no cheating.

Why have you got a dog?

I shall show you.
Follow me.

If you want a pet,

you can have
something expensive,

like an iguana
with a silver necklace.

Or you can have something cheap,
like an ant.

- What ant?
- That ant.

Or you can use your common
sense and have a labradog.

With my clever
demonstration over,

we got back on the motorway

and mounted Hammond's
honesty cameras.

I've got a good way
of cheating still.

Because if I push
this button here, watch,

my speedometer changes
to kilometres an hour.

He'll never know.

And Jeremy, while you're
setting your camera up,

don't think about changing
your display to km/h

so you get a bigger number.

It was now time
to begin the speed trials.

Here we go.
Going for a big one.

Into a world of speed and glory!

Come on, Audi.
You must be able to see me.

Come on, come on, come on.

Out of the way.
And you in the Audi. Come on.

As the traffic eased,

Hammond was knocking on
the door of 150 miles an hour.

That's 148.

Forty-nine.

And I, too, was getting close.

150 coming up.
150 any minute now.

Come on, stretch it,
stretch it, stretch it,
stretch it, stretch it.

Sadly, it was hard to say
how fast James was going,

because he's an imbecile.

Oh, yeah!
That big number's coming up.

Got to beat 151.

Shit!

Why won't it go
any faster than that?

Come on!

Why won't you go any faster
than 148?

Eventually, heavy traffic
ended this important test.

Right,
as we are in a traffic jam,

I may as well give you
the results of Who Dares Wins.

Richard Hammond,
155 miles an hour.

I maxed the Range Rover at 149.

And James May, because
he's a blithering idiot,

6,000rpm.

The idiot's car
had also drained its tank,

so while he was filling up,

I set up another
of my clever demonstrations.

Gentlemen, observe.

You can buy very expensive
sunglasses.

These ones
are made from real gold.

Or you can buy
very cheap sunglasses.

But what do we all do?

We all have Ray-Bans.

You do know you're just
being irritating, don't you?

All you've actually told us
about your car is something
to do with underpants,

iguanas and sunglasses.

- I'm just saying.
- Well, don't!

Back on the move,
we continued to follow James

on our journey
to the Nürburgring.

But after a while,
I started to worry.

Where's he going?

Why have we turned off
the motorway?

- James...
- What?

Well, I'm going to get
straight to the point.

This is not the Nürburgring.

It's Nuremberg.

- Ah, well, yes, but...
- There's no "Ah, well"
about it.

The thing is, I can't
actually speak German,

only the bit about hands
being wet because
he's under a waterfall.

But Nürburgring
is the same in English
as it is in German.

I did it with voice control
in German with my car.

It was set to German.
I said Nürburgring
and it went "blink"

- and I said, "Yes."
But it's a similar name.
- Don't blame the car!

Well, I didn't pronounce it
properly.

That's like
muddling up our names
cos they both begin with J.

Look, let's not get
all bogged down

with who's been a massive idiot

and despite what he claims
can't do anything properly.

- Nothing.
- Let's instead look for
a race track near here.

Why don't we try and find one?

And that is exactly
what Hammond did.

Where?

Well, it's all around you.
Look, I've marked it out.

Look, it goes around there
and up there and along there,

and then down there
and round there.

It's not really a track, is it?

No, it's better.
It's rallying.

This will be the first ever
Nuremberg Rally.

Well, not the...
absolute first ever.

He's right.

Do you imagine, if we did
motorcycling round here,

it would be the first ever
Nuremberg Trials?

Well, we could give it a go.

Let's not run
before we can walk, eh?

Since Hammond's course
featured twisting bends,

loose surfaces,

sheer drops and piles of
enormous rocks everywhere,

some practice laps
were in order.

Slightly slow there
cos I go round a dusty one,

and then this is...
I have no idea.

"Danger." Right.
I'll take note of that.

I don't want to fall off there.

Oh, shit. I really don't
want to fall off there.

Now, this bit is really scary.

Yeah.

That's a bit of
a trouser-changer.

Ooh! Now, this
is quite interesting,

cos in normal use,

all of the power is sent to
the rear wheels in the Jag.

But it can then send power,

up to 50% of it,
to the front wheels.

Right, this is where
I can go very wrong
if I'm not careful.

Oh, shit.

Clarkson, meanwhile,
had decided he didn't need
to have a practice.

What are you doing?

It's my baked beans
demonstration for when
Hammond gets back.

Because we've got cheap
supermarket beans,

then expensive...

Oh, God.
I haven't got time for this.

And then, in the middle,
the Range Rover...

Oh!

With practice over,

Hammond lined up
on the beginning line
for his timed lap.

Richard Hammond,
begin in three, two, one.

Go!

Here we go.

Now, come on, Hammond.
Concentrate.

Oh! That was beautiful
lift-off oversteer.

A little bit of a brake,
and then...

Ooh! That's too fast there.

I just had a wee.

Right, let's predict
what he's saying in there.

He'll say the traction control
won't be turned off properly.

Cos you can't turn
the traction control off
completely.

He'll say, "I need power
and there isn't any!"

Come on! Where's the power?

Give me power! Give me power!

Now, this one...
Oh, shit.

This is the really fast bit.

Come on, baby! Come on.
That's it. Give me power.

Going in with big speed here.

Now, brake early,
early, early, early, early,

and then turn in.

Bury it.

I'm gonna be miles faster
than him.

Well, you haven't even done
any practice.

- I know.
- It's honestly not that simple.

Yes, it is.

Come on!

Giving it all she can.
That's it, there you go.

Little burst
and across the line.

Five minutes 56 dead.

- That good?
- I don't know.

- Five 56.
- Dead.

Yes! Or no!
Did you see me
at that last bit?

The traction control
just wouldn't let me put
the power down there at all.

It stopped!
Did you see me stop there?

- Why have you got
a stopwatch?
- To time him.

No, no, no, no. Look.

- What date is it? April 26th.
- Oh, yeah. Yeah, OK.

- April 26th at...
- No, a better idea.

Why don't we just chalk marks
on the roof for every day?

- Every time the sun comes up,
OK, another mark.
- Right.

James May, you may begin

in three, two, one.

Now.

And May is off
for Great Britain and Germany
in the Bentley!

- He doesn't like heights.
- No, he doesn't like heights.

- He doesn't like speed.
- Or slippery stuff.

So... everything he hates.

Despite the hostile environment,

I was determined to dig deep

for the honour
of the Bentley badge.

Slidey, slidey, slidey.

Yes, Tarmac.

Did you... Did you hear that?

That was tyre squeal
from James May.

Up the ridge.

Knock it down a cog.

Oh, my God.

Blimey!

That wasn't very
James May-ish, was it?

He'll have frightened himself
to death.

That's the dippy bit.

Look at this!

Oh! He got air! He got air!

I think he's being committed.

Jeremy, what if he beats me?

- What if he beats you?
- Yeah.

- You'll die of shame
and I'll die laughing.
- Yeah, OK.

Try as he might,
though, the old lady was
losing time in the corners.

The trouble is, it is
a two-and-a-half-tonne
fairly long car,

and you can't change
the laws of physics.

Cor! That's not good.

Oh, get it straight! Come on!

Oh, no! I overdid it.

Six minutes 16.

So he was 16...

18 seconds slower than you
and his car is £212,000.

Say some more of that stuff.
Write it down.

Finally, it was the
turn of the best car here.

Three, two, one.

Begin!

He hasn't... done
a single practice lap.

I mean, not one.

Traction control off.
That's better.

And watch this!

Flick it in. Nicely done.

Flick it back the other way.

While he's driving, what do
we think he's being? Modest?

Self-effacing? Quiet?

He probably isn't
saying anything.
He's probably concentrating.

Yes!

Oh, God, I'm good at everything.

However,
in order to win this contest,

I had no intention of relying
only on my supreme skills.

You see, the thing is,
the Jaguar and the Bentley
were designed as road cars

and then given
some off-road ability.

Whereas the Range Rover was
designed as an off-road car,

and then given some ability
to work on the road.

It's only a subtle difference,

but it means I don't have
to follow the beaten track.

I can take shortcuts.

It's such a clever car,
it really is.

This car senses what sort
of terrain it's driving over,

and then engages
or disengages the
differentials accordingly.

You could not
come up here in the Bentley
or the Jaguar.

- It's quiet. I can't hear it.
- What's he in at the moment?

A pair of pants?
Tin of beans? Labrador?

There'll be another stupid...

"You get ordinary ones
and mine's just the best."

The Range Rover
can wade through water

nearly a metre deep.

And look at it!

What a machine you are!

Now we just pump
back up the hill.

Power!

Power now!

- There he is.
- Hey?

- No, hang on a minute.
- No, he's there, look.

- No, but...
- What?

And across the line.

He's almost two minutes
quicker than you were.

That's not possible.

- How did you do that?
- What?

- That.
- A, your car's all wet,
which it shouldn't be.

And you're almost two minutes
faster than Hammond.

Yes, but, you see, the thing is,

you can buy a cheap car,
like a Jaguar,

or you can buy an expensive car,

like a Bent...

Cheat! Cheat!
He just cheated.

A total waste of time,
that whole film.

A total waste of time.
Range Rover,
two minutes faster.

You cheated, simple as that.

Anyway, look, if we can
just put the bickering aside
for one moment,

I have to say,
that little Jag was,

and it really was,
brilliant.
And it was designed

by a local boy, Ian Callum,
born in Dumfries.

He didn't just do that.
He also styled
the Aston Martin DB7,

the DB9, the Vanquish,
the Ford Puma,

the Escort Cosworth.

- Yeah, he's British.
- Basically, yeah.

Well, pretty much.

He is. He is.

Anyway, sadly,
his new car isn't as good
as a Range Rover.

Don't argue. It isn't.

And on that terrible
disappointment for him,
it's time to end.

Thank you so much for watching.

Thank you all so much
for coming.

We'll see you next time.
Goodbye.