The Grand Tour (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 10 - Dumb Fight at the O.K. Coral - full transcript

Thank you.

Hello, and welcome
to The Grand Tour,

which this week
comes to you from Nashville!

There it is.

It was er... It's a city that
was named after General Nash.

Big war hero,
kicked the British out.

He got er...

You ended up with independence. And
how's that working out for you?

I only ask because we were
looking the other day

at the bestselling cars
in America these days.

This is the top five.



There you go, that's
independence... working well.

Toyota, Honda, Toyota,
Nissan, Honda.

So what is actually made
in Detroit these days, then?

Er... Well, mostly they just grow
sustainable organic peace beans.

It's just women with
armpit hair growing kale.

That's all
that's going on there...

Municipal farms
for the community.

Now, the reason
we've come to Nashville

is very simple, in fact.

It's because I've been
to all 50 of the US states,

but I'd never been here before.

And what a town!

Yeah.

- Love it.
- Who knew?



- We are loving it.
- Who knew?

It is a great place,
we're loving it,

and the music is amazing.

Loving that... very much.

- Well...
- What?

- Not really.
- Mate, you can't...

This is known as Music City USA.

- That's what it is.
- But it isn't, is it?

Because Detroit is.

No. Listen... No.

It is.

Motown... Motown

is just three minutes
of jangly nonsense.

- Come on, Hammond!
- It is!

Hammond, it just isn't!

You cannot possibly say that.

Country and western music

is designed
to make you miserable.

Motown is designed
to make you happy.

No, he's absolutely right.
Motown is happier music.

I mean, take something like

Martha Reeves
"Dancing In The Streets", OK?

Listen to how happy
the words are.

"Every guy, grab a girl,
everywhere around the world."

Isn't that what Donald
was telling us to do?

Well, he was, wasn't he?
He did. He did.

No, he said,
"Every guy, grope a girl."

A very different thing.

Detroit isn't just Motown.
Bob Seger's from Detroit.

It's just housewives' music.

Ted Nugent - Mad!

- Iggy Pop.
- Ridiculous.

- Madonna.
- Annoying.

- Eminem.
- Can't sing.

- Alice Cooper.
- Ridiculous again.

- Half of The Eagles.
- Which half?

- Glenn Frey.
- I don't like that half.

Nashville. Right, what's come
out of here? Miley Cyrus.

Brilliant!

- You just said that out loud on television.
- I did.

And... And The Allman Brothers.

Never heard of them.

You have.

The Allman Brothers,

they had that one hit,
instrumental.

- What was it called?
- Jessica.

Jennifer.

I hated that.

You never hear it
any more, do you?

No. Rubbish.

Weirdest thing.

Weirdest thing.

- Hello.
- A message.

Sorry.

This is a message
from Mr Wilman.

We've gone a bit off topic.

He might be cross.
We have a bit.

There is a car thing here
we ought to talk about.

It's called coal rolling.
Are you familiar with this?

It has its origins in a sport

where people go with their
pickup trucks into a field

and see who can tow
the heaviest thing.

- Yep. Yep.
- We've got some footage here of it happening.

Look at that! The man in a pickup
truck towing a heavy thing.

There you go.

Things you will never hear
said at that event:

"Got to rush, lads. I'm
late for a poetry reading."

That's truck number three...

Bernie Sanders, everybody.

Anyway, the thing is,
they worked out

they could pull
more heavy things

if they fiddled with the ECU
on the diesel engines,

because that would
generate more power,

and, as a by-product,
more smoke,

cos that's why it's
called coal rolling.

And now, various kids have started
to do it out on the highway.

What they do is go
out on the street

and then do it when they
overtake a Toyota Prius.

Look at this. Here we go.

For God's sake!
Really?! Come on!

Really?!

- Now, I...
- That's just...

I just... I know,
I know I shouldn't say this.

But every time
I overtake a Prius,

I always think,
"I could do this in fourth...

"but I'm gonna use
second instead

to annoy them even more."

You do know
you are 56 years old?

- Yeah, but I've got a mental age of nine.
- Yeah.

- Shall we get on with the show?
- Yeah, it's time.

On with the show.
In our car show this week...

James runs over a sun lounger.

Richard has a beer.

And I go on a thing.

Jesus!

Anyway, before all that,

we've been having
a bit of a debate.

You see, I say you don't
need to buy a BMW M3

because for £11,000 less
you can have a Jaguar XE S,

which is nicer to drive,

more comfortable
and just as fast.

- It isn't just as fast.
- Yes, it is.

- No, it isn't.
- They both do 155mph.

Yes, because the BMW has been
electronically limited to 155.

The Jag is just... limited.

Sorry to interrupt.

It's just that both my
colleagues are wrong.

Because if you want a small,
fast saloon car,

what you absolutely
have to have...

If you're gonna start going on

about that Alfa Romeo
Giulia Quadrifoglio,

I am gonna stab you
in the eye with this pen.

- No, he's...
- A number of times.

He's right. Alfa Romeo
have not made a decent car

for 30 years.

- Erm...
- "Erm" nothing,

because we need to get
back to the point.

James and I have decided

it was time to sort out
this Jaguar-BMW debate

with a proper old-school
road test in Scotland.

Hello, and welcome to Wales,

where I've come with all of
our film crews and this,

the brand-new Alfa Romeo
Giulia... Quadrifoglio.

I think.

Whatever.

Let's get on now
and see what's what.

Now, for this to be
a proper Alfa Romeo,

there must be...
something wrong with it.

Think about it.

A person
who's kind to his mother

and punctual and sober and
well-dressed, he's an Audi.

And nobody
wants a friend like that.

If you're going to form
a relationship with a car,

if you're gonna develop a bond,

it's got to have
human qualities.

And if it's gonna have
human qualities,

it's got to have faults.

And this car, I'm delighted
to say, has a big one.

I don't know quite how
they've managed this,

but it's not very easy
to get out of.

You've got this pillar here,
then the wheel here,

and there isn't enough of a...

of a gap between the two.

Hang on a minute. Hang on.

How Alfa Romeo is that?

They put the door in the
wrong place. It should be...

It should be further back.

That is brilliant.

There's more, too.

It's not a particularly
handsome car.

The wheels are too small.

And for some reason,

they've chosen to make the front

look like a Wolseley.

Now, in the recent past...
James is quite right...

Alfas have had their faults

and then no good bits
to compensate.

They've just been
wrong-wheel-drive Fiats

with the word "Fiat" crossed out

and "Alfa Romeo"
written in in crayon.

That, though...

that's a very different animal.

This is a fabulous car,

an epic car.

Probably
because it's the love child

of the same man who
engineered the Ferrari 458.

He's given it
a carbon-fibre propshaft,

a carbon-fibre roof,

a carbon-fibre bonnet,

a proper limited-slip
differential,

telepathic steering
and a clever gearbox.

But the most impressive bit
of this car

is its turbocharged
2.9L V6 engine.

An engine that wobbles
when you close the door.

That is brilliant. Look at that.

You don't get that sort of
thing from an Audi, do you?

Ferrari, which, of course,

is part of the same company
as Alfa Romeo,

is very keen to point out

that this is not the engine
they use in the California

with two cylinders removed.

They say
it's a complete coincidence

that both engines have the
same bore/stroke and V-angle.

They're adamant that this is
all Alfa Romeo's own work.

So, there we are.

It is, then.

And what work it is.

You get 503 brake horsepower.

That is 60 more than you get
from a BMW M3. 60!

It's 175 more

than you get from that Jag

that James would be
droning on about now,

had I not stepped in
and saved the day.

And then there's
the way it revs.

Ha!

Most turbocharged engines are
a bit wheezy at the top end,

but because
the twin-scroll turbo in this

is mounted in the V
of the engine...

just like it is
in a Ferrari California,

coincidentally,

the rev counter is still a blur

right up to the red zone.

This engine is...

it's a masterpiece.

An absolute gem.

So, while this may
look like a Wolseley,

it certainly doesn't
go like one.

It has a top speed,
in fact, of 191mph.

What this car is

is a Ferrari...

wearing four-door sensi-panties.

And that brings me onto
this car's party piece.

At normal speeds, it's very
quiet and very civilised.

And even though
it's running on wheels

that appear to have come off
the bottom of a sofa,

it's very comfortable,

even if you push this,

you put it in
bumpy-suspension mode.

The only setting
I haven't yet tried

is this one... "race".

But I think I should.

Sadly, however,

before I found somewhere
to try it out,

I received a telephone call.

No. What?

- Hammond.
- Have you got our film crew somewhere?

- Yes, I have.
- Are you using them to film an Alfa?

- Yes, I am.
- Where are you?

- Wales.
- Wales?!

You can't just arrange
that we go to Scotland

and then disappear off to Wales.

I didn't tell you
to go to Scotland.

You decided to go
to Scotland on your own.

We've come
all the way to Scotland

to do this with these two cars.

This is the test.
You trying to shoehorn...

It's wonderful there are
Alfa Romeos in the world.

That's a lovely thing
that we can all...

It doesn't matter
how good you think

the Alfa Romeo is.
This is a car programme.

Concepts, dreams,
imagining things.

Scotland, with two cars
that are credible, relevant,

important, work and are real.

They were still
shouting at me as I arrived

with all of the film crews
at our track.

Itch, that
you've managed to scratch

over the last ten years.

I don't know how. Why...

It's breaking up!

I've lost you!

Race mode.

Here we go.

In race mode, everything
is in a tensed-up state:

The throttle response,
the gearbox, the steering.

And the traction control is off!

This has now been transformed

from something
that was brilliant...

into something
that is sensational.

Of course, you'd never drive
in race mode on the road,

in the same way you'd never take
your wristwatch into space.

But it's nice to know that it
would still work if you did.

And this does.

Boy, this does.

I've always said you can't
be a true petrolhead

until you've owned
an Alfa Romeo.

And the trouble is,
I've always known

there's no Alfa Romeo

a true petrolhead
would actually want to buy.

There is now, though.

There is now.

And so I decided to do
something I've never done

with any car I've ever
filmed in my entire life.

I decided,
when the test was over,

to go to the nearest
Alfa Romeo dealer...

and buy one.

What?

- What?
- You total cock.

You stole our film.

Well, not really.

You didn't actually buy one,
did you?

Well, no, cos I couldn't
make my mind up

between that and the 4C.

It was like watching an ape
return to its cage

and finding there was
an apple and a banana.

"I like apple,
but I like bananas.

So do I want the apple
or a banana?"

You would
have had both, obviously.

Hammond, that car is brilliant,

and it only costs £60,000.

Yeah, but honestly, Jeremy,
that doesn't mean anything.

If Alfa Romeo
launched a dog turd,

you'd say it was brilliant.

It is! I'm not making it up!

You heard it. You saw it.
It's a fantastic car.

Anyway, listen, we must find out

how fast the Quadri-thingy
goes round the Eboladrome.

That, of course,
means handing it over

to a man who thinks
that tennis is something

that was invented by Stalin.

He's actually
a local boy this week,

from the next state along.

It's the American!

There he is.

And even he will enjoy

this magnificent machine,

I'm sure of that.

And he's off
with a glorious bark

and a pop
from that sensational V6.

It's wet!

OK. Alfa Romeo Julie Quad Bike

something or another.

I can't say it,
can't pronounce it.

I don't really like driving it.

For God's sake!

So, the tall one thinks
this is a good car.

I still think he was dropped
on his head as a child.

Yeah, but at least I don't
wear a cowboy hat to weddings.

Right, now, powering majestically
into Your Name Here.

This could be the single
greatest lap we'll ever see.

What are you on about?

It's beautifully balanced,

hard on the power.

A bit of a wobble there!
Some oversteer,

but it was designed to do that.

No, it wasn't!

Stop saying things, Hammond.

I'm busy.

This is just a BMW

for people
who like fancy coffee.

No, it's a BMW for people
with taste and discernment.

No, it's a BMW for idiots.

Hammond, be quiet!

Look at the way it's dealing

with Old Lady's House.

Almost no problems at all.

Now he can really turn it up

for the sprint to Substation.

Such power! Such pedigree!

- Such bollocks.
- Just be quiet!

Just two corners left.

Glorious poise in the rain
through there.

Field Of Sheep.

Another master class
in suspension control.

And across the line!

- Well, come on, then.
- Well, no...

Come on. What did it do?

- What?
- Time.

No, it was wet,

so there's no point
putting it on the board.

It'll just wear the computer out

- for no reason.
- Get on with it!

- We haven't got time!
- Get on with it!

I'm gonna do it.
Let's look at the time.

Time for Jeremy's
Alfa Quadriplogio.

That's not quick, mate!
I'm sorry.

That's rubbish!

In the dry,
it would have done a 1:15.

- No, it wouldn't.
- Yes, it would.

- No, it wouldn't.
- It would!

There's no point arguing anyway.

He's got the Alfa Romeo
thing out of his system,

which is good,
because it's time now

for us to enjoy a gentle stroll

along the sunlit sidewalks
of Conversation Street.

- That's a good one.
- I like that one.

It is. Right, now...

OK. And we start with this.

It's the new Alfa Romeo Stelvio.

- For God's sake!
- This is important news.

It's not important news.
It's niche news for morons.

It's not! It's a superb car,

because you can have it

with the same
500 horsepower engine

that you get
in the Quadriplegio.

And with that... with that
you get four-wheel-drive.

So that one will work
in the wet, will it?

Hammond,
when somebody has a baby,

OK, do you go up to it and...

"Look at my new
baby that I've...

Eurgh! It's really ugly!"

Well, only if it's ugly.

You see, you can't be cruel
about Alfa Romeos.

- Yes, I can.
- They're trying so hard!

Well, let's just move it on.
Forget the Alfa, then.

Now, we should talk
about where we are,

OK, Tennessee, because this is the
bestselling vehicle in the state.

OK.

Yeah, we've got a picture
of the police car.

And an ambulance.

- And a hearse.
- Yeah.

I'm detecting...
detecting a theme here.

The pickup truck,
I think I'm right,

is very popular in this
neck of the woods, yes?

I'm sure you may
be amazed to hear

they really haven't
caught on at all in the UK.

I mean, almost nobody has one.

You hardly see them,
which is a shame,

because I love a pickup truck.

- Yeah, we know.
- I like a truck.

You know?

I can say that here.
I can say that here.

That's fine, you can say that, but
they're not actually very sensible.

Look, mate,
that's not everything.

Anyway, you drive around
in your Ferrari, OK,

and happily put up with the
compromises that that imposes.

So you put up with the cost,
the inconvenience,

and it's not very comfortable
because it's a fast car.

Same with a pickup.
You put up with compromises:

The weight, the size,
the fuel consumption...

But what's the upside?

It's a pickup truck!
You can use it...

You can put logs in it

and tow... tow trees
out of the woods with it.

You could put a bear in it.

Hammond, you work...
you work in the media!

The only thing you have to
put in the back of a vehicle

are invitations to gala lunches.

- Well...
- That's all you ever do.

The problem,
actually, in Britain

with a pickup truck...
I'm sorry to admit this...

Is that if you pulled up
at a set of traffic lights

and you had your cement mixer

and your chainsaw in the back,

they would be stolen
immediately.

Anything left
in the open in Britain,

it's like nuts at a party,
you just help yourself.

So why doesn't that happen here?

Who's got a pickup truck here?

- Holy cow!
- That's unbelievable.

When you go shopping
and put things in the back,

why doesn't someone
just help themselves?

Because they shoot them here.

Well, there is that.

There is that.
Thank you, Donald!

But why... Have you ever
had anything stolen

when you were at a red light?

Never? Has anyone
ever had anything...?

- No.
- No?

I thought this was
supposed to be

crime-ridden in America.

Maybe people are honest.

I don't know, it's possible.

If I was in Britain

and saw a pickup truck
with a lawnmower,

"I'll have that."

Now, yesterday we went to erm...

It was like a big
classic-car museum,

just out of town here, where you
could also buy the exhibits.

- It's great fun.
- It was a fantastic day out.

Really enjoyed ourselves
in there.

I mean, it was full
of, you know,

Mustangs and Camaros and stuff.

Stuff like this.
We've got a picture

of this sort of thing...
'60s and '70s stuff.

Now, we know that cars like
this are horrible to drive.

Terrible.

But they're tremendous
to look at.

There was so much joy
in car design back then,

and you see it
in that car there.

It actually made us slightly
sad in a way, though,

because as we were leaving, we
suddenly started wondering,

"Well, what are they gonna
put in that museum

in 40 years' time?"

- Yeah.
- What?

The Nissan-bloody-Juke.

Exactly.

I don't want to look
at that now.

No, exactly. Or the Dodge Dart.

Well, what child's gonna
say, "Daddy!"

Daddy, let's go and look at the
40-year-old Dart in the museum"?

Nobody is!

It's true that car design

has become so dreary lately.

And I think part of it,

it's almost as if
the people who design cars

don't actually like
cars that much.

Exactly. But they did then.
You can tell.

There was a Cuda in there
next to a Plymouth Fury,

and I just stood for about an
hour, just soaking them in.

I saw a 1966 Cadillac.

We've got a picture
of it here. Look.

Now, what I like about this

is that the bloke
who designed the bonnet,

he thought, "I've finished
with the bonnet."

I'll do the grill."

But he didn't tell
the blokes doing the wings,

and they kept going, so it
goes like another foot.

No, but this is fantastic
with a fantastic-looking car.

The Buick Riviera, they had
one of those in there.

- Look at that!
- That is glorious!

I had one of those

as a toy when I was little.

If you put your finger
over the back window,

it flashed its lights.

And you just look and you go,

"How can Buick have gone
from doing that

"in, what, 30-40 years,
to doing this,

whatever this brown..."
Look at...

How have they done that?!

And it's the same as Chevrolet.

There was an Impala
in there, 1960.

Look at that!
That is exciting not moving!

That's a Chevy
Impala from the '60s.

Let's have a look at one
from today.

For God's sake!

How do they even have the
nerve to call that an Impala?

Because it isn't one.

I was looking at a Corvette,

a '70s Corvette.

That's the C3 model,

if you're a Corvette nerd.

This was a car that was driven

by all of the astronauts.

- Exactly.
- And Dirk Diggler.

Yep.

So it's a car

for porn stars and astronauts.

- What a strapline!
- What car is there today

that could be driven by
porn stars and astronauts?

- There isn't one.
- An Alfa!

An Alfa?!

Actually, he's right!

No, astronauts
have to get there.

He's right! That's exactly

- what the Quadriplegio is!
- No!

For porn stars and astronauts,
which is what I am.

Now, I would like to have

a conversation about
the Nürburgring.

- Go on.
- Because this is important.

Last year, I was delighted.

The people who run
the Nürburgring in Germany,

they said they were gonna
ban car manufacturers

from setting lap records there.

Sorry, why were you
delighted about that?

Because that's
an excellent idea.

If you make a car
that is excellent

for doing a fast lap
of the Nürburgring,

it would be useless as a car
everywhere else in your life.

It's like... It's like
setting your house up

to play Laser Quest.

It will be brilliant
for playing Laser Quest,

but it'll be rubbish
for a dinner party

because it's full of lasers,

darkness, fog
and music that goes...

and people running around

thinking that they're
in Star Wars.

Or you could get a dog...

You could train a dog
as an attack dog,

which is fantastic
if you own a scrapyard

and you need
the dog to guard it,

but take it home as a pet,
it will eat your children.

It's completely useless.

That's what happens

when you set a car up
for the Nürburgring.

This isn't really
a conversation, James.

No, I think we've accidentally
turned down Rant Lane this week.

Well, there's more.

- He's off again.
- No, no.

But the thing is,
the bad news in all this

is that they've decided

that they will allow
car manufacturers

to set lap records again.

Well, that's good.

- No, it's bad!
- OK.

Think of the cars
that have come out recently

that we've driven
that have been developed

so that they would go fast
around the Nürburgring.

You can't deny it,
it's a terrible car.

Nissan GT-R, the Track Edition,

that is a terrible car.

Even SEAT...
The SEAT Leon Cupra 280,

that's got a hatchback record for
going around the Nürburgring,

and it's rubbish!

The Nürburgring ruins cars.

I'm developing an app
for the smart phone

called Bomb The Nürburgring

where you guide
a Dornier 17 over it

and blow it up.

What are you doing
on this programme?

Talking sense!

Good question. I don't know.

We have this old woman who
has a baking show in Britain.

She's called Mary Berry.

It would be...
You probably know her.

It's probably the same

as her saying, "I hate cakes!"

Yes.

Mary Berry would agree with me,

because if she made a cake

that had been developed
on the Nürburgring,

someone would put
fried onions on the top

and completely ruin it.
You'd have a Victoria sponge

with onion on the top
for no reason!

James, you know
you're weird, don't you?

That's not weird. That's
the most sensible thing

that's ever been said
on this show.

- You are weird.
- I'm not weird.

He is weird! We were coming
through the airport

here the other day,
coming through Chicago,

and he went,
"Jeremy, smell my jacket."

He said what?!

- Yeah.
- He did.

He said, "Smell my jacket."
I said, "Why?"

He said, "Because it smells
of old record players."

- Mate, that is weird.
- But it did!

You know record players
don't smell of anything?

They do. Old ones do.

They smell of old
record players.

Who knows what they smell like?

- I'd like us...
- The decaying...

I'd like us to move it on

because it's getting scary now.

That's not the record player!

What are you on about?

Does anybody have
an old record player,

or anything old electrical?

They smell, don't they?

Has anybody ever smelled
an old record player?

Really? You think you have?

You've smelled an old...

God, strewth!

Did it have a wax cylinder on
it, your old record player?

They smell like old plastic
and warm rubber.

Yeah, exactly.

That smells like a party
at James's house.

You're actually talking
to Thomas Edison there.

In person.

Well done, sir.

Now, as we're told

almost every day
these days, really,

the world's coral reefs
are all dying.

And we're told that this
is the fault of the car.

Well, since we host a car show,

we thought it would be
our duty and responsibility

to do something about it.

Here in the Caribbean,
all appears to be well.

But under
the shimmering blue sea,

there's just miles
and miles of sand.

It's an underwater desert.

And even when
you do find a reef,

most of the coral
is dead or dying.

Thirty-eight years ago,

the local government sank a ship

to encourage the coral
to come back.

And it's working.

It's already an oasis of life.

And that gave us an idea.

Why use a ship as the hub
or your coral reef?

Why not use cars?
There are millions of them.

So that's exactly what we've
done. We've got five cars.

And rather than go
through all the expense

and complication
of recycling them,

we've stripped them,
taken the engines out,

removed the paint, and they're
ready to go in the sea.

This really does
make perfect sense,

because when the car
is in the water,

it will start to corrode,

and that attracts all the things

that help the coral grow.

And then the car itself
just rusts away

to absolutely nothing.

So this one, which started life

as a pretty horrible Peugeot

and was always a terrible car,

will eventually become
a beautiful coral reef.

And all this happens
quite quickly.

So in just a few years' time,

the BBC will be able to make
a wildlife documentary

just in this wheel arch.

Anyway, we've got the cars.

I've got a crane.

All we need now is a boat,

which is a job
we gave to Jeremy.

That's his responsibility.

He'll have overdone it,
won't he?

Well, he'll have made a
statement of some sort, so...

Freight ship.
Full-on freight ship.

Or a tanker.

He hasn't overdone it.

Is that him?

What is the point of that?

Will you come and tie it up?

That's the worst boat
I've ever seen. That's awful!

- What's the matter with it?
- Well, it...

We gave you $5,000
to buy a boat.

Boats are expensive!

You didn't spend
all five grand on this.

- That is not a five thou...
- Yes!

I've got toothache. Be kind.

Irrelevant.
That is not a $5,000 boat.

- It is!
- It's barely a boat. Look at it!

It's brilliant!
You'll get a car on this.

- Er... Where?
- On the back!

- Who did you buy it from?
- A man.

- Was he laughing?
- No, he wasn't.

- Can I come aboard?
- No.

I don't think it can take two.

Look! It's terrible!

Instead of just standing there,

criticising a man
who's got toothache,

why don't you go and get
a car on the crane

and start loading it?

Soon, our first car was ready
to be lifted onto the boat.

It's just nice to be putting
something back, really.

It genuinely is.
It's a little old Corsa,

and it's gonna be full of coral.

Mr Coral coming, swimming along.

"Ooh, there's something
to latch on to."

Then his friend comes along.

His friend comes along.

This is a genuinely
brilliant idea.

That doesn't fill me with...

total confidence.

Down a bit! Down!

You'll have to...

Boom out!

Is that the sign for "boom out"?

That. Yeah, that.

It's like being guided
by The Village People.

It's working now. Unless...

On! On!

- The next danger...
- You're really helping.

- I've got the guideline.
- Right, go!

- Down a bit, James.
- Watch for the wind.

Hammond,
can you swing it around?

Do you want me to swing it?

Yeah, try and get it...

Shit!

Who pulled that?

We've got to save the car!
It's a reef! Save it!

It's gone! It's gone!

Who pulled the...

That's to release it,
you Muppet!

Well, I thought
it was a guide rope.

No, I steer it! You just
release it when it's on there!

He told me to steer it.

He said,
"Pull the rope to steer it."

This is a £400,000 crane!

Why would you steer it
with a piece of string?!

It's got all these
knobs and buttons.

I steer it, you release it!

So that's a quick release?

- Yes!
- Got it.

What if we just said
we only had four cars?

So we've taken four cars,
removed the engines

and the paint, and they're ready
to go in the sea.

- We'll do that piece to camera again.
- Yeah, yeah.

The thing is, why use a ship
as the hub of your reef?

Why not use cars?
There are millions.

So we've taken four cars,
removed the engines,

stripped them down and they're
ready to go in the sea.

And then James... Yeah.

And then... And then,

this Peugeot
was no good as a car,

but will be... but the coral
will just stick to it,

oxidising and algae.

Doesn't take very long.

One day, BBC documentary,
wheel arch.

Yeah, from just four cars.
That's all we had.

Four cars. That's all
you need for a reef.

Right, here's the boat
we've selected.

It's a little bit damaged.

With the release rope stowed,

we managed to get
the first of our four cars

onto the boat, which had
come with a broken roof.

Yeah. Yes!

- Yes!
- Yeah!

Good! Result.

And then we had to
secure it in place.

I don't understand
ratchet straps.

Er... There's water
coming into the boat.

- No, there was some in when I bought it.
- It's leaking.

There's always a bit of water
in the bilges.

It's why boats have bilge pumps.

No, it's coming in.

It's not just like it's in,
it's coming in.

- Well, there's none here.
- There's holes! It's leaking!

Shit! No, there is!
Well, attach us to the crane.

Er... It's gone down.

It has gone... It is going down.

If you attach us to the crane,

it won't sink, will it?

We're tied on.

James, can you
just take the slack?

Sadly, James misunderstood

this simple instruction.

The whole thing

has collapsed at the back!

Dear God!

Wait! Stop! Whoa! Whoa! What?

It's falling over!

James, it's falling!

- What do you want?
- Holy Mother of God!

It's going down!
Abandon ship! Save yourself!

Catch it, James!

Save it!

Stop!

What are you doing?

God.

The French Secret Service

didn't do a job as good as this.

I'm not talking to any of you.

No. Come on, it was May's fault.

You bought a crap boat,

you put an idiot spaniel
on the crane,

and, also, think
what we were gonna do

for the conception of the car.

People would love the car.
They would see it

as a friendly,
coral-loving thing.

You're swimming
like an old woman.

I don't like being
in the bloody water!

Fact! I'm not comfortable!
I'm from Birmingham!

Having sunk a boat and two cars

where the cruise liners
normally park,

the port authorities
suggested we go away.

So we took
our three remaining cars

to a nearby marina,

built ourselves a raft,

and hired a boat

which had a crane on the front.

- May!
- What?

You're not operating the crane.

You are operating the crane.

Yeah.

I'd just like to point out

that I've been fired from a job

that I was doing perfectly.

Meant that.

I can't get the crane
working. Is there a switch?

Don't come to me for help.
I'm rubbish at cranes.

I didn't, did I? Did I?

Soon, we were ready
to load our first car.

You're miles away!

You've got to be spot-on.

I can only lift it to there.

This way, this way,
this way, this way.

No, up, up, up.

I can't... Jeremy,
you'll have to go back.

I can't do it if you keep
moving the boat!

If I want to go backwards,
I should go that way.

Right, this way. You've
got to... I can't move it...

I can't go
that way! He's driving!

I can't move it!

Why don't we pick it... God.

Where are we going?!

The bad things... It's the wind!

Why are we over here?

Wind!

Here he comes!
This is it! This is it!

We're coming in hot!

Stop... chasing me
with the bloody crane!

May, will you do something
quickly in your life?

I'm going to kill him!

Here we go! Yes!
Run away! Run away!

We have hooked the apple!

- In a bit, in a bit.
- We are good.

We are so good,
it's almost incredible.

Now we had our eye in...

Jesus.

Loading the second car
was the work of a moment.

- We're on.
- My God! Yes.

That's it. That'll do.

This is the manliest thing
I've ever done.

I'm just gonna rest
my big balls on my crane.

With our raft full,

we headed out to the spot

identified by marine biologists

as having the perfect depth,
current and temperature

for a reef to form.

Release the reef!

- Yes!
- There it goes!

- The reef is born!
- That's our reef!

- Sink!
- Come, coral! Come!

Yeah!

- Go!
- Yes!

I'm pleased with that!

The Peugeot 206.

That is brilliant.

Next, we had to anchor
the cars in place,

which was a job for the only
qualified diver among us.

He'd even brought
his own equipment.

Right. Back a bit.

Back... That's on my nose.

Stop moaning!

If he were a heart surgeon,

he would turn up
with an old leather bag

with a saw and hammer in it,
wouldn't he?

"I'm ready to do your
operation. Here I am."

It's like his old table with
his Bakelite telephone on it.

- Yes.
- "Hello. Hammersmith 37 here."

James's suit was so old,

it didn't come with
air tanks, so, annoyingly,

it was our responsibility
to keep him alive.

How long
have we got to do this for?

Well, for as long
as he's done there.

- Honestly, I'm exhausted.
- I'm getting dizzy.

We should keep going.

No. Look, there's a generator.

Why don't we just
connect it to the generator?

Now. Now.

- Yeah.
- You're an idiot.

Life-saving air.

There we go.

On. And relax.

Nearly!

Come in, James.

When our colleague
finally surfaced...

he was very angry.

That was nowhere near
the cars. Nowhere near.

What was nowhere near the cars?

You might as well have dropped
me off the coast of Los Angeles!

- I couldn't even see them!
- Just stop. Stop.

What do you... What do you mean?

How did you manage...
You're the boat expert,

as you're forever telling us.

How did you manage
to put the cars there

and then move the boat
about 100 yards away?

- We drifted.
- We drifted a bit.

- Have you done the job?
- No.

- What?
- The cars are not anchored.

Because when I got there,

your drifting, stupid,
orange biscuit-tin boat

yanked me back off it!

We don't have an afternoon

to just throw away
while you go paddling.

You're saying... I'm gonna
have to do it, aren't I?

Soon, James Bond
was ready to go in the water.

- Do I look like Roger Moore?
- Yeah, you do.

- You do, yeah. Yeah.
- Roger Moore, the greengrocer.

- Let go. Yes!
- Yay!

I've just handed
Jeremy a welding iron.

Dear God.

I'm not sure I trust Jeremy
to do welding.

I wouldn't trust Jeremy

to watch a YouTube guide
to welding.

What's that?

- That's gone wrong.
- Jeremy?

Badly, horribly wrong.

- How did that go?
- Very well.

- Did it?
- Yeah.

- Did it?
- Yeah.

That was all...

They are not going
anywhere in a hurry.

We headed back to shore
for an agreeable dinner,

happy that our important
environmental work

was, at last, going well.

But are the coral starting now?

- Yeah.
- So they're down there now.

- A bit of coral's gonna...
- Yeah, it will have done.

It's not a big coral reef,

but it's the start
of a coral reef.

Well done, chaps.
We have done...

I don't clink glasses,
as you know,

but we can raise a glass
to our success today.

Yes. Well done, us.

Maybe that's what
Volkswagen were doing...

Building a reef.

That could be it.
That could be it.

We're gonna pick up our important
marine biology work later on.

But now it's time to play
Celebrity Brain Crash!

That doesn't get any better.

That really doesn't get
any better, that sting.

But anyway,
my guest tonight is from...

Well, how can I describe it,
really?

The second biggest

and most important
part of the world,

the Northeast of England.

Come on!

Well, hello?!

Mark Knopfler, Paul Rodgers,

Gordon Sting, a couple of
people out of Little Mix.

- Lindisfarne. Lovely.
- Yes, Lindisfarne. We'll gloss over that.

But then we've also got...
the main man.

The man we have lined up for
you, he is the lead singer

of the biggest rock band
in the world, AC/DC.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Brian Johnson!

- There he is!
- There he is!

There he is! Here he comes!

What are we gonna
talk to him about?

- Well, he's taken up motor racing.
- Yeah.

- He's got a new TV show.
- Yes, on the road.

He's on the road.

I'm gonna talk to him
about being at the front

of the world's
biggest rock band.

- Where is he?
- He's Brian Johnson.

- Here he comes!
- There he is!

- There he is.
- The man himself. What a legend!

I can't... I've always wanted
to meet him. I'm thrilled.

- Yeah.
- That is a legend. Proper...

- Hello.
- Hello.

- What?
- My...

God!

- We killed him.
- We've killed Brian Johnson.

That's...

OK.

Brian Johnson has been run over

by some people who think
they are playing football.

But they're not.
It's not football, is it?

Cos they don't use their feet.

That's not football.

That's just people dressing up.

- That's...
- We play football.

- We play football.
- Yeah, with our feet.

We play football.

- Soccer! It's soccer!
- What?!

It's not soccer!
It's football that we play!

It's 6.75 billion people in
the world call it football!

You can moan and shout
all you like.

The fact is, we're British
and we edit this show,

and you'll just get cut out.

You will.

This is a rugby ball!

Look on the screen.

They're only playing

with the padding
they were born with!

This is not a football!

They call it football.

So...

Brian Johnson
has been run over by erm...

some supremely brave
and talented footballers.

Er...

Does that mean
he's not coming on, then?

Well, James, he's been hammered

to the thickness of an envelope

and his spine is now
a jigsaw, so that is a no.

Fine.

Right, so what are we
gonna do to fill the time?

I've got nothing.

We could get back

to our important
marine biology work.

- Plan. Do it.
- Yes, let's do that.

So when we left the action,

erm... I'd successfully

welded two cars to the seabed,

and that was good.

Yeah, and we pick up
the action the next day,

as we go back to finish the job.

On our way to get the last car,

we stopped at the reef site

to make sure everything was OK.

Tom Daley!

I don't like it.

And after a few moments
in the water,

we discovered it wasn't.

Where the bloody hell
are they? There's the buoy.

This is the wrong place.

Yes, that marks the spot.

They're just not here.

Why did we trust you
to fix them in place?

- I didn't... Listen.
- Of all people.

Well, I don't understand it,

cos I don't normally
make a mess of...

You must have made
a good job of it.

That's why they've gone!

There is evidence,
or a lack of it,

to suggest you can't weld.

- Shit.
- Maybe a shark...

- Er...
- What?

- What?
- Look.

Brilliant!

How the hell
did they do that, though?

You know this current
that's whizzing us about?

Look at them! They're not
gonna make a reef, are they?!

Well, maybe it could be

like a play area
for the privileged.

Some rusty cars?

That doesn't work, does it?

No.

Obviously,
we had to retrieve them,

which meant moving the raft

to the stern of our crane boat.

James, have you untied that end?

Yeah. Get ready to catch
this rope. Here we go.

Pull it along a bit and get
it sort of squared up.

I'll have a nice ride.

Right. Repositioning raft.

That's a reassuring noise.

Er... Where...
Where's that come from?

James. James.

- What?
- What's that doing over there?

What's what doing?

All this bamboo's come off.

What have you untied?

I've untied the piece
of string at the front.

But, look, half the craft
is disappearing.

As the raft
was disintegrating fast,

we had to get it
to shore quickly.

Firing up the machine!

Sadly, though,
Jeremy's turn of speed

only made things worse.

Power! Power! Come on!

Slow down!

It's falling apart!

- Look, he's going down!
- Slow down!

Slow!

You can't put cars
on that, can you?

After we'd rescued James,

he stupidly suggested that,
to solve the problem,

we should ruin
everyone's holiday.

I think these people
should move out of the way.

My plan was to tow the cars
off the beach

and back to the harbour
so we could start again.

Which meant I'd need the help
of the man from Atlantis.

Hold my hand! There! There!
There! Now, let me go.

Yeah, that's me.
You have to let...

Mind my arm!
Let me go now. I'm fine.

I don't like it!

Move!

Hammond, tie both of them to
this and give me a thumbs up.

If James gets those
onto the road,

all the way back up to
the harbour,

build another raft,
get them loaded on...

bring them back,
it's gonna take days.

- OK.
- Don't stand near the back.

The brakes don't work.

Yeah!

- Well, now what?
- That was rubbish.

I then said we should
use my brilliant boat

to tow the cars back
to the reef site,

which would be quicker
and easier.

They're in the water!

Ha-ha! Power!

Power! Come on!

Yes!

Eat my boat, James May!

Come on!

Victory is the boat's!

James May's hopeless plan...

What was that?

With two rusty Peugeots
in his swimming area

and his beach furniture
in ruins,

the hotel manager had had enough

and ordered us to leave.

We'd now lost four cars,
a boat and our raft.

But on the plus side,
we still had one car left,

and most importantly,
the crane boat.

But that night,
there was bad news.

The man who owns it
is not best pleased with us.

- Because?
- He has off-hired it.

- We've not got the crane boat?
- No.

- That was the most useful thing we had.
- Yeah.

So what can we possibly do
with a Land Rover?

- Well...
- Well, what?

If I can be positive...

The Land Rover's
largely aluminium,

which is actually even better
for creating a reef.

- True.
- But it's on the land!

Yes, it is true.
The Land Rover is...

It's irrelevant.
We've lost everything else.

Yes, but it's good if...

I've had a brainwave.

God.

And so, the next morning,

the people of Barbados
were treated

to the magnificent spectacle

of a Land Rover
gliding majestically

on a bed of inner tubes

across the Caribbean Sea.

Here we are on our final car,
and it's a classic.

It's a Series I Land Rover.

No, it's a Series II.

It's a Series I. The lights
are close together.

No, it's got the barrel
rolls on the doors.

It's a Series II.

- That makes it a Series II?
- Yeah.

I thought Series Ils
had the lights angled.

I think we're getting
stuck on this.

- It's a Land Rover.
- It's an old Land Rover.

The good thing about it is

it corrodes much less
quickly than the steel car.

We've also glued these limestone
tiles to it,

because porous limestone is
the perfect base, foundation,

for coral to start a reef.

This is a coral-reef-making
machine.

In fact, the only fly
in the ointment

was its propulsion system.

- Can I go a bit faster?
- No!

It's filling with
water the faster you go.

We'll sink it
in the wrong place.

This is our last car,
our last chance.

They're bleating on.
"Don't go too fast!"

You're going faster
again, Jeremy!

You're pulling it under!

Relax!

Am I the same species as that?

No.

Jeremy, don't sink it

before we get there!

Mother of God!
Have you seen that?

- What?
- Guys, look!

- My God!
- Holy cow! Look at it!

That is phenomenal!

Yeah! Racing!

Jeremy, you're going to
sink us! Don't race it!

Catch the... I haven't
got time for these two.

Right. Let's go catch
that sailing boat!

Brilliant!

Watch this, sunshine.

That is the fastest thing
I've...

Why is it faster than me?

They're so good, breeze is
beating brake horsepower.

I cannot keep up with it.

When do we drink our own urine?

Look at that thing now!

Bloody Nora!

That is just... fabulous!

I could have buzzed around
this amazing machine all day,

but there was still important
environmental work to do.

So, reluctantly, I broke off

to rejoin
my stranded colleagues.

- Are you all right?
- Well, no!

We've just been left
to drift in a Land Rover!

Fortunately for you, none of
these ceramic tiles is loose,

otherwise I'd chuck it
at your head.

Do you know, I think
it actually handles better

than it does on land.

Soon, we will reach
the reef site,

puncture the inner tubes,
the Land Rover will sink,

and it will become
a safe haven for cod

and haddock and... bream.

Eventually, we reached the site

and said about scuttling
our reef machine.

Fire!

- Yes!
- Yes!

Here we go!

Down! Sink!

Whoo!

In truth, all great
environmental projects

are beset with problems.

And ours, through no fault
of our own, except James's,

was no exception.

Save it! Stop!

So, in the end, our new reef

wasn't quite as spectacular
as we'd hoped.

But it was a start,

and one day it'll be
the core of something

a thousand miles long...

A new and beautiful home

for the cod and the haddock
of the Caribbean.

Thank you so much.

And a very big thank you
to the government of Barbados

for helping us with that film.

And we'd just like to say
no coral was damaged

while we were building our reef.

No. Or, if we're
perfectly honest, created.

However, we came back
with a brilliant idea.

You see, we liked it
in the Caribbean.

Our crews liked it
in the Caribbean.

So we thought it would be
a good idea, next week,

to make a film

comparing the motoring
cultures of the French,

the Dutch
and the British Islands.

- Yeah, it was a great idea.
- Brilliant idea.

But Mr Wilman, our producer,

he decided it wasn't
a brilliant idea,

and that, instead,

we should go to northern
France with three old cars

and drive around in the rain.

So that's what
we're actually doing.

And on that terrible
disappointment, it's time to end.

Thank you so much for watching.

Thank you for coming.
See you soon. Take care.

See you next time.