The Governor (1995–1996): Season 2, Episode 6 - Episode #2.6 - full transcript
- [Cell doors clanging]
- BRAITHWAITE: Hey! You!
I'm onto you.
I know all about you.
MORGAN:
I'm sick to death
with people talking about me
behind my back.
BUFFY: I'm gonna write to
the home secretary about this.
OFFICER:
Lockup! Lockup!
SNOOPER: There's deals
going down all the time.
Every day.
Every night.
MAN:
What's a fax machine?
BUFFY: Put that bastard
on the wing, and I'll kill him.
JACKSON:
Bastards.
Put it down!
Now!
[Grunts]
I don't approve of drugs.
Uh, are you gonna play, Tarzan,
or not?
[Coughing]
It's your serve.
[Mid-tempo music plays]
[Off-key]
♪ A wandering minstrel I ♪
- ♪ A thing of shreds... ♪
- No, no, no. Listen. Hey!
[Grunts]
[Grunts]
[Sobbing]
- OFFICER: Lockup!
- [Keys jingling]
Lights out!
I should not have been brought
down here!
You stated you were
in possession of Semtex.
Yeah. I'm gonna blow the lot
of you to smithereens!
Now, piss off!
If Eugene Buffy has got Semtex,
then he should not be
in the block.
He should be in the SSU.
BUFFY: In with the big boys,
then, am I?
Did you find the Semtex, then?
Hey, what about the ammo,
the machine guns?
Did you find them?
Eugene Buffy,
reclassified prisoner
from C Wing, for admittance.
OFFICER:
Right, Buffy. Move it.
And Brian Samora's got an Uzi
up his jumper.
You gonna reclassify him too?
I've written to Lord Longford,
you know, and Judge Tuman,
the Home Office,
and the prison services!
I've written to everyone!
I've written to
the home secretary, you know.
Probably being discussed right
now in the corridors of power.
All right.
Take it easy, Gov.
Take... Take it...
Stand there, Buffy.
Eugene Buffy.
Transfer from C Wing.
This a metal detector?
Only I've got, like, a metal
plate in me head, you know.
[Beeping]
[Click, beeping stops]
Buffy, cell 4.
Get stripped.
Stand by your bunk.
[Smooches]
Hello, Buffy darling.
Is that the prick
with the Semtex?
Just get on with your business,
Micky.
Yeah. Well, he'd better keep out
of my face.
[Chuckles]
[Indistinct conversations,
mid-tempo music playing]
Hey, um, as we've not had
any rehearsals for some time,
uh, I think it would be best
for all c...
- Uh, excuse me!
- JACKSON: Come on. Listen up.
Settle down.
I think it would be best
for all concerned
if we had a bit of a practice
before, uh, Mrs. Ellison
and Mr. Richard Hallam
of the local amateur
operatic society join us.
When are we getting the women?
- Right. Oh!
- HEWITT: Yes. Thank you.
MAN:
Bring on the beauties!
Ms. Purvis has kindly agreed
to continue playing the piano
for us,
and she will be assisted
by Mr. Samuels.
So, um, when everyone's ready.
PURVIS: Now, remember, everyone,
there's an intro,
so don't come in
till Wilfred puts his hand up.
That's yours, Terry.
Do it properly this time.
- [Mid-tempo music plays]
- And you, Roddy.
♪ A wandering minstrel I ♪
♪ A thing of shreds
and patches ♪
♪ Of ballads, songs,
and snatches ♪
♪ And dreamy lullaby ♪
♪ My catalog is long,
through every passion ranging ♪
I tell you, Mavis,
this musical could be a fiasco.
- Governor.
- Yes.
It's the ladies
from the operatic society.
Ah. Hello. I'm Helen Hewitt.
I'm the governor.
Hello. I'm Carol Baker.
And this is Meryl Sharp.
Hello.
Mrs. Ellison and Mr. Hallam
are already here.
They're in my office.
If you'd like to go through,
I'll take you into the chapel.
- Officer Brent.
- This was way, please, ladies.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Oh, thank God
it's only one performance.
I didn't think they'd be
quite so, um...
- Attractive?
- Well...
There'll be some pushing
and shoving in the chorus
to get close to...
Well, at least to the blonde.
Do you need me before I get back
to Pavarotti?
Uh, yes.
Okay.
Yes.
I know Eugene Buffy
is reclassified,
but I don't think he's gonna
fit in with the heavy mob
in the SSU.
I cannot take lightly any inmate
threatening to use
or have in his possession
explosives.
Look, Brian.
Anything you want to tell me
stays between you and me.
There's nothing worrying me.
Do you miss your pal
Eugene Buffy?
No, I don't.
So what are you trying to say?
I'm not a nonce.
Well, I'm not, okay?!
I want to go back to me cell
now!
Brian, what are you getting
so het up about, man?
I'm not a nonce.
I've got three more years,
and I don't want nobody
calling me a nonce!
- ♪ On a tree by a river ♪
- ♪ On a tree by a river ♪
- ♪ A little tom-tit ♪
- ♪ A little tom-tit ♪
Round the mouth more.
If we can't hear
what you're saying...
And that goes for everyone!
What we want is enunciation.
Right, Ms. Purvis?
PURVIS:
Absolutely, Jumbo.
Clear and sharp.
♪ Tit willow ♪
MEN:
♪ Tit willow, tit willow ♪
We did a production
of "The Mikado" a few years ago.
We are familiar with the score.
It's a jolly show.
Eric?
HEWITT:
Uh, Ms. Purvis?
Oh.
I'm so sorry.
[Men murmuring, whistling]
HEWITT:
Gentlemen.
Hey.
Buckle, Roddy.
I'd like to introduce
Mrs. Ellison, Mr. Hallam,
Ms. Baker...
I'm sorry. Carol.
- [Laughter, men shouting]
- Gentlemen!
[Claps hands]
Gentlemen.
Listen.
HEWITT:
And Meryl.
As from now...
As from now, they will be
leading the rehearsals.
[Chuckles]
No, thanks.
Well, I am getting tickets
for the front row
for the performance.
They need a bit of a laugh
around here.
Prison service.
They want tickets for the show.
That's the good news.
The bad news is they want...
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
They want a detailed report
on the tape recording made by
Eugene Buffy and Brian Samora.
Officer Jason Hully
could find himself in court.
Excuse me, ma'am.
You see what's going on
in the exercise yard?
Tarzan got all the young lads
from C Wing working out.
- How is he working out?
- Tarzan. Yeah.
He signed up for every single
education program.
Guitar glasses, fitness,
computers... you name it.
Moaning about me again, are you?
[Chuckles] No.
We were just discussing Tarzan.
He's very intelligent, you know.
- MARSHALL: There you go.
- Thank you.
He's got the hang
of the word processors,
and he's writing
very good short stories.
He's through to the last round
of the Koestler
writing competition.
Tarzan.
Are you pulling my leg?
Excellent. About time we had
some success rate.
Okay.
I'm back to the grind.
Is this the, um,
"Mikado" poster?
Yes. Brian Samora made it up
on the graphics program.
There's only one "K"
in "Mikado."
- Yeah, Doctor.
- Ah.
Uh, Samora says
there's nothing wrong with him.
Well, not medically.
He's just not been in class
all week.
Well, I'll have another look
at him,
but if something
is bothering him,
he doesn't want to talk
about it.
Perhaps one of the, uh,
psychologists could have a word.
[Mid-tempo music plays]
HALLAM:
♪ A wandering minstrel I ♪
♪ A thing of shreds
and patches ♪
♪ Of ballads, songs,
and snatches ♪
♪ And dreamy lullaby ♪
♪ And dreamy lulla-lullaby ♪
- ♪ Lullaby ♪
- ♪ Lullaby ♪
No, no, no, no!
Look.
We've been through this
three times!
Can you...
You're still sounding throttled!
Look. Just open your throat
and let the sound come out, eh?
- Look.
- Ow!
A splinter.
That's it.
That's it.
Once more, please, Ms. Purvis.
[Mid-tempo music plays]
♪ A wandering minstrel I ♪
♪ A thing of shreds
and patches ♪
♪ Of ballads, songs,
and snatches ♪
♪ And dreamy lullaby ♪
♪ And dreamy lulla-lullaby ♪
- ♪ Lullaby ♪
- ♪ Lullaby ♪
[Down-tempo music plays]
You keep this tight shut.
You wanted soap powder,
didn't you?
- Yeah.
- Take it.
You're in it now, sunshine,
and I'll be watching you.
Every move you make,
every breath you take,
I'll be watching you.
♪ Oh, can't you see... ♪
Get the shooter out of the
soap powder, you stupid git.
Four-eyes found it.
Hey.
If you've been sent in here
to blab,
I'll cut your tongue
out your cacky, flaccid face.
Okay.
- You got our Semtex?
- What?
You found the Semtex?
Don't know what you're on about.
It was just a joke.
If you want to sleep
and wake up,
you don't see or hear nothing,
all right?
- Okay. Yeah.
- Okay.
[Gasps]
[Pool balls rattling]
Ms. Purvis, pianist, is waiting.
Oh, two minutes, Mavis.
And, um, could you make me
a salad for lunch?
I've put on pounds
with your sandwiches.
Okay.
- Ah.
- Have you been to a doctor?
No, no. I'm fine. I'm just...
It comes and goes.
I'm probably addicted
to this stuff.
All the time
or just in the mornings?
Um, it's just you said
you'd been putting on weight,
and, um...
Well, you couldn't be, uh,
you know, could you?
Morning sickness, dizzy.
Couldn't be what, Mavis?
Pregnant.
Mavis, do you honestly think
I wouldn't know?
Besides which,
I've had a period every month.
Well, then you should see
a doctor.
This has been going on
for weeks.
Ms. Purvis.
Thank you for seeing me.
Is it about rehearsals?
No, it isn't.
Uh, it's personal.
It's about a prisoner...
Uh, Wilfred Samuels.
- I don't know his number.
- I know Mr. Samuels.
We want to get married.
I couldn't believe it.
Just like that, she says,
"We want to get married." Oi.
Do you?
What?
Want to get married?
[Laughing]
Oh, my God.
You want the Range Rover back.
Can you stop joking
just for a minute?
I'm serious.
Do I want to get married...
to you?
We're not exactly
at Charing Cross, Helen.
[Chuckles]
Well...
maybe I expected to be asked
in a more romantic location.
My bedroom... our bedroom.
We are living together.
You use my car more than I do.
See? You do want
the Range Rover back.
You don't want to marry me?
[Chuckles]
No. Well...
No. I love you.
I really do, but...
Well, why can't we just
keep things the way they are?
Well, why not go
one step further?
Because I can't.
Not right now.
Okay.
Want a refill?
- Simon.
- Hmm?
I do love you, Simon.
And...
Just give me a bit more time,
okay?
Simon.
Sure.
BRAITHWAITE:
Get those legs up!
Get those legs up!
Keep it moving!
Get moving!
Get those legs up!
Get it moving!
Oi!
You'll bloody well
knock that off!
[Indistinct shouting]
Come on, Roddy!
You can't stop!
Go on!
Go on, you lazy git!
[Shouting continues]
What do you think you're doing?
I'll get these flabby,
unhealthy bastards fit.
- Keep moving!
- To get your exercise,
you do it in the yard,
not the wing.
Get in your cell now.
Are you stopping me?
Yes, I am stopping you.
I'm up for the Koestler
Writer's Award.
That's got nothing to do
with me.
What you do on this wing
has got to do with me,
and right now you're getting up
everybody's noses
- charging 'round.
- It's exercise!
Then exercise in the yard
and not on association.
Now, get back to your cell.
Get back to your cell, Tarzan.
Any more of this,
and you're gonna go on report.
Don't you ever threaten me.
How about we sort that bastard
out once and for all, Governor?
SMITH:
All of them, bastards.
Smith, I told you!
In your cell now!
Hey, Brian, you should hear
these girls sing.
Never mind the knockers.
I'm doing a duet
with one of them,
and 'cause I'm playing a woman,
I can get me hands on her.
What do you think?
♪ Tit willow, tit willow ♪
♪ Tits willow ♪
SAMORA:
Get out.
Eric, would you get out?!
Eric!
What's the matter with you, Bri?
I know. Missing your
bosom buddy, are you?
Eugene Buffy thinks he's a
big shot 'cause he's in the SSU.
Get out!
Oh! Shit!
You all right, son?
MARSH:
Yes, Mr. Jackson.
You all right, Brian?
Not like you to stay
in your cell like this.
[Sniffs, sighs]
I'm a little con...
Confused, Mr. Jackson.
I've lost me confidence.
Why? Has somebody been messing
with you?
All right, Brian?
No.
No one's been messing with me.
If they did, I'd beat them up.
Look, Brian.
If you need to talk anyone,
you just have to say the word.
Why don't you want to go down
to education today?
Is it Tarzan?
When is Eugene coming back
on the wing?
I don't know, son.
[Down-tempo music plays]
[Sobs]
JACKSON:
Gov.
Tarzan's getting a bit heavy.
He's unsettled
a lot of the regulars.
SYONS: Well, I knew it was
too bloody good to last.
What are you doing?
I want every one
of them billiard balls
back in the lockup... now.
What do you suggest?
[Scoffs]
I don't know.
It's exercise time now.
JACKSON: I don't know, but he's
starting to control the wing.
Come on, slobs.
Stop playing your kid's games.
- Do yourself a favor...
- Put your stuff away.
And don't end up on the block
again.
Let's train!
It was my decision
to put Tarzan back on the wing,
and he's showing
great improvement.
In fact, today I was told
he's got through
to the final of the Koestler
writing competition.
Oh.
Is this his wing?
Uh, B and C Wing. Yes.
They exercise together.
I'd like to congratulate him.
Morning.
JACKSON:
Mr. Bunny?
Morning.
Can you call Tarzan over?
Do you know how many tickets
there's gonna be for the show?
- CHISWICK: Tarzan.
- HEWITT: Morning.
CHISWICK:
Tarzan.
Mr. Tarzan, I'm the area manager
of Barfield...
- Aah!
- Aah!
- Jackson!
- BUNNY: Let me down!
Aah! Aah!
[Indistinct shouting]
Yes!
Hey!
I'm telling you,
he picked him up and threw him.
I mean, not like that.
Like that.
[Laughter]
Ah. Eugene.
You don't fancy some fresh air,
Eugene?
No.
I want to make a phone call.
Sorry, pal.
Not from here, you can't.
- I want to see the governor.
- OFFICER: You know the rules.
Put it on a request form.
I hope you do know the rules,
Eugene.
- Vernon, exercise.
- MAN: Right, Billy.
What about you, Terry?
Are you not exercising tonight?
[Ball bouncing]
You know, if I write a note,
will you see it gets delivered?
Depends, Eugene.
It's just to a mate of mine
on C Wing... Brian Samora.
I don't want to stay here.
Come on into the yard, Eugene.
We're playing handball.
I don't want to play handball.
[Down-tempo music plays]
Don't you want any lunch, Brian?
Trolley's on the wing.
I'm not hungry.
[Exhales deeply]
Look.
If it makes you feel any better,
we're moving Tarzan out.
I've got to speak to Eugene.
Got to.
Give me a note.
I'll see that he gets it.
Okay?
Mr. Jackson, hurry it up,
will you?
I want you down here.
No worry, boss.
OFFICER:
Getting nervous, are we?
Come here, you.
SYONS:
Right, Mr. Jackson.
You know that Keith Smith's due
in court tomorrow.
Van will be at reception early.
Got a long way to travel.
Now, we need to clear
Tarzan's possessions
and get him to sign for them.
He had quite a lot of gear
for a fairly short stay with us.
Right. He's probably nicked
half of it and all.
God.
Actually, he's not got a lot
for 27 years, has he?
Here you are, boss.
Read some of that.
Oh, good stuff.
Library.
Library.
See?
He's filched half of this
from out the nicks' libraries.
Hang on a second.
Eugene Buffy.
Now, that's not a music tape.
The little bastards said they'd
got it stashed in a safe place.
- [Ball thudding]
- Rope's finished.
We've got the poles ready
and we're all set.
One call, and we get transport
standing by.
HOWEL:
Saturday it is, then.
Be with the wife
for the weekend.
CULLINAN:
Watch this prick.
I think he's here
to inform on us.
Lunch is up, lads.
That's okay, Vernon.
I'm having steak today.
Ah.
You hungry, Eugene?
What do you fancy?
Slab of filet?
Or a piece of chicken breast?
[Spits]
Eugene.
Are you all right?
Lockup, lads!
Spread them out! Come on!
JACKSON: I'm getting
very nervous about tomorrow.
I've got a tickle
in me bloody throat.
I've been sucking
these bloody Tunes
till they're going out
of fashion.
And I can't get me voice.
[Singsong voice]
Hully!
JACKSON:
Unlike that little bastard.
Hey, Keith!
Due in court tomorrow, eh?
Hey, Smithy!
I'm talking to you, Smithy!
Shut it, wanker.
OFFICER: Burt, stop talking
and keep walking.
CHISWICK:
In your cell.
Nighty-night, Brian.
BRENT: Stop messing around
and get in your cell now.
I won't be able to sleep.
First-night nerves.
Big day tomorrow.
Are you going to the show,
Mr. Brent?
BRENT:
I for sure am, yeah.
Hey, Mr. Jackson, if Buffy's
not coming back on the wing,
can I bunk in with Brian?
Jack Binter's got
terrible stinking feet.
Don't make us say it again.
Get in your cell now.
OFFICER:
Lockup!
HADDOCK [Singing indistinctly]
Lockup, Brian.
You are going to showers
tomorrow.
OFFICER:
Lights out!
Lights out!
HADDOCK:
♪ Tit willow, tit willow ♪
Brian.
We found the second tape
in Tarzan's cell,
you little Scouse shit.
- Full house?
- Yeah.
Locked up, banged up,
and the Scouser's wound up.
Well, the word is him and the
cellmate recorded the soft git
asking them to beat up some con
who'd been giving him
a hard time.
Eh?
Now it looks like Officer Hully
is going to trial,
and if he gets sent down,
God help him.
The bastard.
Who wants some chicken?
Cooked up too much.
- No, thanks.
- No, thanks. Got me sandwiches.
Are you sure?
It'll only go to waste.
No takers?
BUFFY:
Hey. Hey.
I don't want any.
Oh, Jesus.
He saw the rope.
Taking a shower.
Mind that chicken bone, Eugene.
A lot of people choke to death
on a chicken bone.
Micky, are you still
in the showers?
Come on.
Sort him out, Micky.
It's getting too close
for cock-ups.
What are we gonna do?
We're gonna deal with it.
We've got two days.
I'm off.
Don't forget your appointment
with the doctor
tomorrow at 4:00.
What?
I thought it'd be okay,
as you'll be going home
to change for the show.
Oh, yeah.
Uh, Mavis, could you, um,
uh, organize some flowers
for Ms. Purvis
and the operatic ladies?
Will do.
See you tomorrow.
- Yep. Good night.
- Good night.
[Down-tempo music plays]
♪ I'm too young to die ♪
♪ And too old to tell lies ♪
♪ I couldn't help you ♪
♪ I couldn't help me,
my friend ♪
♪ But without you, my friend,
I'm terrified ♪
OFFICER:
You okay, Eugene?
[Paper crinkling]
Look, thanks for this, Gov.
Um, it's to Brian Samora
on C Wing.
I can't remember his number.
All right.
But this is against regulations,
you know.
I know, but I'm not
one of these bastards.
I'm not real CAT-A.
I lied about the Semtex.
I lied.
It was a joke.
Good night, Eugene.
Good night, Gov.
Don't hang about, Eric.
You've been in front
of that mirror for 10 minutes.
Still doing his hair.
Getting all ponced up
for the dress rehearsal.
You've been doing a bit
of Brylcreaming and all.
Same could be said of you,
Mr. Jackson.
- Like Old Spice, do you?
- Get on. Get moving.
Come on.
Shift it.
Where's Brian?
Eight.
- You all right, Terry?
- Yeah.
- A bit nervous, Mr. Jackson.
- Well, don't worry.
Let's go, lads.
- Come on, Brian.
- Samora, come on!
Hey. He's been taking
those throat sweets.
He thinks he's gonna lose
his voice for the musical.
[Laughs]
We should be so lucky.
Brian?
[Water running]
Brent! Chizzy!
Get back here!
[Grunts]
Brian.
Brent! Chizzy!
Get in here!
Brent!
Chizzy!
We've arranged a transfer
for you, Mr. Snooper,
but we want the names of the men
you know to be dealing...
The barons, the runners,
and the prisoners you know
are being threatened.
What protection do I get?
MARSHALL:
You'll be out of here.
But first we want
the information.
And we'll check it out.
And how you gonna do that, man?
If I give you names and you
start ducking and diving about,
them is gonna know
that me are the grass.
You could also give us any name
you pulled out of a hat.
Oh, man.
You not get what you want
from my information?
You're in charge here, right?
You mean to tell me you can't
get me back inside here?
Hmm?
I wouldn't screw you.
A deal is a deal, right?
I swear on my kids' life.
Two kids' life.
- [Taps desk]
- [Exhales deeply]
No.
You got to get off this wing
beforehand, man,
because them men out there will
look upon me and they will know.
And that'll be me dead or me
have to kill somebody, right?
You understand me?
- Please.
- Easy.
SNOOPER:
Please.
Gov, can I see you for a second?
You'd better not be
messing us about, Snoopy.
I wouldn't do that to you, man.
What?
I deal with you on the level.
You know what I mean?
Look. You is a good man, right?
Me know you is a good man.
'Cause me see you operate,
right?
- Me see you.
- Hey.
HEWITT:
Officer Jackson?
Names, barons, dealers, users.
Gary.
Nothing I can do.
Silly little bastard.
You all right?
I give him mouth-to-mouth, Gary.
But he was dead
when I cut him down.
Hey.
Hey.
I'll wait
till the police get here.
They found him
in the end cubicle.
Does anybody know why?
And does it have anything to do
with us finding
- that bloody tape?
- I don't know.
Governor Syons said he thought
maybe Tarzan was having a go
at him, but no note, nothing.
I'd better wait
for the coroner's report.
In the meantime,
I'd better contact his family.
- Yes.
- Um, sorry.
Do you want to cancel
the dress rehearsal?
Mrs. Ellison and everyone
are at reception.
- No.
- Was he in the show?
No.
Let it go on.
Better they have something
to take their mind off it.
MARSHALL:
They don't know yet.
They were all out of the shower
before Jackson found him.
One of the SSU officers
brought this.
It's from Eugene Buffy.
[Paper crinkling]
"Dear Brian, I'm being got at in
here, and they won't let me out.
You've got to write
to the Home Office."
Somebody had better tell him
before the, uh, starts
on the grapevine.
Morning, ma'am.
Why the hell are these curtains
still up?
I gave instructions
for them to be taken down.
You must have visibility
and access...
Ma'am, they said it was
an invasion of their privacy,
just like they did
with the security lights.
Is it?
Well, that is a workroom.
It is not a sauna.
Get them taken down today.
- Yes, ma'am.
- Eugene.
[Classical music playing]
Could you turn that TV off,
please?
Quickly, please.
Quickly, please.
[Music stops]
Sit down, Eugene.
Am I going back on the wing?
[Sighs]
I'm afraid I have some bad news
for you, Eugene,
and I wanted to tell you
personally.
I've been expecting it.
You've found the other tape,
haven't you?
You're not gonna do anything
about that bent screw.
You're all bent, the lot of you.
Eugene, this isn't about
the tape,
and the officer involved is
going to be charged over that.
I'm sorry to be the one
to tell you this.
Brian Samora committed suicide
this morning.
No.
I know he was your friend
and your cellmate.
No.
No.
- Would you like a cup of tea?
- No. No.
No.
- If you'd like Dr. Williams...
- No!
No. No.
[Clears throat]
Keep an eye on him.
Ma'am.
And I want those curtains down
today.
Yes, ma'am.
Good day, ma'am.
They're all after me.
[Door closes]
It's a conspiracy.
Oh, they killed Brian.
They killed Brian.
They'll come for me next.
Gonna kill me.
They're gonna kill me.
[Telephone ringing]
Okay. I'm going now.
I'll see you later.
Art department made them up.
Correct spelling this time.
We might have to do
more than one.
Not got a seat left.
God forbid.
Oswald Snooper is on his way,
and we've got Keith Smith back
for 12 years.
I know. Took the jury
less than 10 minutes.
I'll see you later.
Where's she going?
Could you put these up
in the chapel
and take the ones down
that are spelled wrong?
Have you booked a ticket?
Are you kidding?
The lads have got three rows.
Oh, and could you take
these flowers over?
Leave them at the side
of the stage.
Bloody hell, Mavis.
Look!
- [Ball thudding]
- Right. My ball.
Yah!
Still talking to yourself,
Eugene?
- Yeah.
- Ha.
From now on, I talk to you.
Oh, yeah?
Just like that, eh?
- Mm.
- Piss off.
I know you're planning
going over the wall on Saturday.
He's a nutter.
Am I?
It's that it should be tonight.
They're putting on a big show.
All the cons and screws
will be busy.
What do you want, Eugene?
Hmm?
You want this stuffed down
your throat?
No.
I want to come with you.
♪ To the matter
that you mention ♪
♪ I have given some attention ♪
♪ And I think
I am sufficiently decayed ♪
You need your makeup, Terry.
And you need more eye makeup,
Richard.
I-It's Roddy, Carol.
Roddy.
Oh.
I'm so sorry, Roddy.
I'll do your eyes and lips.
Uh, Meryl is doing yours, Eric.
Carol, do I need
any more makeup?
Uh, no, but ask Mr. Hallam.
He's doing most of the maids.
Now, then, though of you
who are still unsure about...
It'll all soon be over.
I can't think about it.
I get so upset.
Then don't,
because it isn't over for us.
Oh, I must run through
some of the songs with you.
You're a little bit late
turning the pages.
During the performance,
this here...
[Grunts]
is stage right.
And this is stage left.
If you're not onstage
but waiting in the wings,
no talking.
And if you have any quick
changes, rehearse them now,
because it's your last chance.
All right.
Listen up.
Ms. Hewitt's gone
to get ready for tonight,
so I'll get cracking.
This ruddy show.
You know,
I've not had time for lunch.
Do you know how many officers
are required just for security?
Yeah. And you'll need a hell
of a lot more for this.
Oswald Snooper.
I have a list here,
and you won't believe it.
Thirty-five known dealers,
five barons,
numerous inmates
who are under pressure
to bring in cocaine, heroin,
and crack.
Gary... Gary, uh,
Russell Morgan is in with Mavis.
Uh, she wants to know
if the flowers are in water.
Tell her yes, yes, yes.
Now, can we just get back
to this?
If you look at the names,
you'll see there's also listed
eight officers.
Bit of a panic all 'round today.
We've got this musical.
- I can always come back, Mavis.
- No, no, no.
Gary Marshall will go bananas
if he knew you'd been in
- and not seen him.
- [Telephone ringing]
Excuse me.
Mrs. O'Connell.
Yes, I'll hold.
You're looking very well,
Russell.
How's Nora?
Oh, it's been tough on her,
maybe even more than me.
I've applied for a job
with a security company.
Oh, that's good.
Yeah.
Edward Stretton.
Yeah.
He's the photographer.
I sent you his particulars.
He's to photograph the cast
for the prison magazine, and...
Ms. Hewitt will be back
any minute now, okay?
I'm in the way.
I just wanted to say thanks
for this Simon Lennox.
Very positive.
He's a good chap.
Reckons I might get
some compensation,
so add that to the pay out,
and might be okay.
Look who's here.
Hello, me old son.
It's good to see you.
You're looking very sharp.
How are you doing?
Is she back yet?
MORGAN: I may be going to work
for a security company.
Well, the Service will always
have you back, wouldn't they?
Mavis, she's cutting it
a bit fine.
- You know what...
- No, Gary.
Not with my medical records.
They've got me down
as a fruit-and-nut... Hey.
We'll maybe have a drink
sometime, yeah?
Hang on. Hang on.
Look.
Let's go up to the lounge.
Some of the lads are up there.
We're getting a darts match on.
Come on.
Would you hold on a moment?
Gary.
- Yeah.
- Can you take this?
It's something about Tarzan.
Hang on, Russ.
What time is she coming back,
Mavis?
Yeah. Marshall.
I'm just gonna change, Gary.
Yeah.
[Chuckles]
Yeah.
Yeah. Right.
I'll pass it on.
I don't believe that.
Tarzan has just got second
in the Koestler writing prize.
- What do you want?
- Where's the governor?
We need more officers
to bring in the audience.
How do I know?
She's having her hair done,
I suppose.
I've had it all up to here.
We need this
like a ruddy hole in the head.
[Vehicles passing]
[Alarm chirps]
[Sobs]
[Indistinct conversations]
Mr. Bunny has just arrived.
How many months?
Four.
I don't believe it myself.
I-I thought it was
food poisoning.
My God, Helen.
All that stuff
you've been taking, it won't...
I mean, it... it can't harm it,
can it?
The doctor says it shouldn't,
and he says I'm very fit.
I didn't know...
I still don't know how I feel.
Shocked?
I know I do.
Well, I have to have it.
I'm... It's over four months.
[Sighs]
I just...
I feel stupid.
I should have known.
[Sighs]
Well, now you do know.
We both know.
So I'm going to try again.
I now formally ask all one
and almost a half of you
to marry me.
I love you.
Oh, I was scared that you...
I-I mean, I don't want you
to feel, you know, that you...
I want you, Helen,
and I want our baby.
So, third time lucky...
will you marry me?
[Sighs]
You free for dinner tonight,
Ms. Hewitt?
[Laughs]
Oh, my God. What time is it?
- Oh, my God. I have to go.
- What?
No.
I'm serious.
It's the show.
It's "The Mikado."
- I can't be late.
- Well, you want me to drive you?
No, no.
I'll be fine.
It will be finished by 8:00,
and I'll come straight back.
[Horn honks in distance]
I love you.
[Indistinct conversations]
[Keys jingling]
Well, one good thing about
putting on a show in the nick...
You've got a captive audience.
- Where's the governor?
- I'm trying to track her down.
You're gonna have to
start it off if she's not here.
We can't keep them waiting.
I know. I know.
Let's get over there.
[Door closes]
[Keys jingling]
Bloody mayhem out there.
They've got a full house
for that show, you know.
Said they weren't gonna
let me in.
I said, "Hey, soft lad.
I frigging work here."
How about a game of hardball?
This program sniffs.
Show hasn't started yet.
- Got to wait for the start.
- Shut up.
It's a big opening number.
Loads of music.
- Shut up.
- Okay.
Come on.
[Indistinct conversations]
- Is she here?
- No. She's caught in traffic.
So I'll go on and open the show,
yeah?
All right.
[Cheers and applause]
I won't make any speeches.
[Men shouting]
Just to say a warm welcome
to everyone.
Now, this is really
the inmates' night,
and they wanted to show
their appreciation.
- [Applause]
- Please.
Thanks to Ms. Purvis,
our musical director.
[Cheers and applause]
Tonight's performance, as
requested by everyone on C Wing,
is dedicated to Brian Samora.
- [Cheers and applause]
- Thank you.
And everyone enjoy the show.
[Mid-tempo music plays]
- Good evening, lads.
- MAN: Night, Vernon.
Lights on and off, Billy.
Oh, go on, then.
Usual before beddy-byes.
Looks like you lads
have tidied up in here.
Very impressed.
Not this crap again, lads,
please.
- [Mid-tempo music playing]
- Probably seen this six times.
How you going, Liam?
You all right?
Come on.
Cheer up.
♪ For wherever our country's
banner may be planted ♪
♪ All other local banners
are defied ♪
♪ Our warriors
in serried ranks assembled ♪
♪ Never quail
or they conceal it if they do ♪
[Indistinct conversations]
OFFICER: Tea and sandwiches
won't be long.
The other fella
not working out with you?
He was getting too old, son.
I think it's that workout
I showed you the other day.
- [Chuckles]
- I think it knackered us.
Well, they're flying
Pam Anderson in for me tonight,
so I'll be all right, kid.
Pam Anderson? Well, if she comes
alone, I might just join you.
Well, there you go.
Catch.
[Indistinct shouting]
KEARNS: Hand over that stick.
Hands on the table.
Hands on the table!
Get over here!
Get over here!
Get the fuck down!
[Cheers and applause]
♪ Three little maids from school
are we ♪
♪ Pert as a schoolgirl
well can be ♪
♪ Filled to the brim
with girlish glee ♪
♪ Three little maids
from school ♪
HOWEL: Here we go.
Come on. Come on. Come on.
Keep up.
Come on. Come on. Come on.
Come on!
Would you get down?
KEARNS:
Come on, Billy.
HOWEL:
Shut it.
Shut up.
♪ Three little maids who,
all unwary ♪
♪ Come from a ladies' seminary ♪
♪ Freed from its
genius tutelary ♪
♪ Three little maids
from school ♪
- Shit.
- I told you... Shut your mouth.
[Metal rattling]
Go. Go.
Clear. One down.
Two to go.
Go!
[Mid-tempo music playing
on television]
Go, lads.
Keep against the wall.
Keep against the wall!
[Indistinct conversations]
- CULLINAN: Shut it!
- KEARNS: Come on. Move it.
Go. Come on!
Go. Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
♪ From three little maids,
take one away ♪
♪ Two little maids remain
and they ♪
♪ Won't have to wait very long
they say ♪
♪ Three little maids
from school ♪
[Indistinct conversations]
HOWEL: Don't rattle.
Don't rattle. Don't rattle.
Liam, poles.
Poles, poles. Poles. Come on.
Eugene, come here.
Come here.
Come here.
Stay, stay, stay.
KEARNS:
Come on. Come on.
- Move. Move!
- Come on.
Come on, now. Come, now.
Come on.
- Up, up, up, up, up, up.
- KEARNS: Hook them on.
♪ If that is so,
sing derry, down derry ♪
♪ It's evident, very,
our tastes are one. ♪
♪ Away we'll go
and merrily marry ♪
♪ Nor tardily tarry
till day is done ♪
[Indistinct whispering]
Ouch.
Relax.
Relax.
We're nearly there.
[Indistinct conversations,
chain rattling]
HOWEL:
Come on! Go!
Steady.
- Stay. Wait.
- BUFFY: Okay. Okay.
Wait.
♪ Sing derry, down derry,
we'll merrily marry ♪
♪ Nor tardily tarry
till day is done ♪
[Cheers and applause]
Eugene, you know what to do,
right?
I know.
I'm gonna shoot them down.
You're the big man, Eugene.
I'm gonna shoot the...
You're the main man, Eugene.
They killed my mate.
Take it easy.
They killed my mate!
Bastards.
Soon as we get rid
of this shithead nutter.
- Yes. Come on, Micky.
- BUFFY: Bastards killed him.
- [Crowd booing]
- [Laughs]
♪ My object all sublime ♪
♪ I will achieve in time ♪
♪ To make the punishment fit
the crime ♪
♪ The punishment fit the crime ♪
- [Imitating gunshots]
- KEARNS: Eugene!
Eugene, come on. Come on.
Up you get. Good boy.
[Mid-tempo music plays]
[Indistinct conversations]
Wait for me!
Don't you go without me!
Wait!
Don't go without me!
Eugene.
Come on, Eugene!
Eugene!
[Music continues]
I've got the gun!
I've got the gun!
♪ His object so sublime ♪
♪ He will achieve in time ♪
♪ To make the punishment fit
the crime ♪
♪ The punishment fit the crime ♪
BECK:
Let's go. Let's go!
Come on, now, Eugene.
You're the main man.
All right.
I'm over.
KEARNS:
He's slipping.
♪ The threatened cloud
has passed away ♪
♪ And brightly shines
the dawning day ♪
♪ What though the night
may come too soon ♪
♪ We've years and years
of afternoon ♪
MEN: ♪ Then let the throng
our joy advance ♪
♪ With laughing song
and merry dance ♪
♪ Then let the throng
our joy advance ♪
♪ With laughing song
and merry dance ♪
Go!
Get the alarm!
- [Bell ringing]
- I've got him! Get the gun!
I've got him!
He's secure!
- I've got him!
- OFFICER: It's a ruddy toy gun!
- Okay!
- [Laughs]
- ♪ With joyous shout ♪
- [Alarm blaring]
[Indistinct shouting]
[Music continues]
[Alarms blaring]
Wait for me, guys!
Wait for me, guys!
Wait!
[Music continues]
My name is Eugene Fuckin' Buffy!
Come and get me!
[Alarms blaring]
[Indistinct shouting]
Wait for me, guys!
Wait for me!
Sound the alarm!
[Indistinct shouting]
Go! Go!
Get out!
[Engine revs]
[Music continues]
Come on!
Come on!
Come on, you bastards!
Drop the weapon!
- Fuck off!
- Drop the weapon.
Oh, bollocks!
[Gunshots]
[Screaming]
Don't shoot!
Don't shoot!
Hold your fire!
[Gasping]
[Siren wailing in distance]
[Grunts]
[Down-tempo music plays]
- BRAITHWAITE: Hey! You!
I'm onto you.
I know all about you.
MORGAN:
I'm sick to death
with people talking about me
behind my back.
BUFFY: I'm gonna write to
the home secretary about this.
OFFICER:
Lockup! Lockup!
SNOOPER: There's deals
going down all the time.
Every day.
Every night.
MAN:
What's a fax machine?
BUFFY: Put that bastard
on the wing, and I'll kill him.
JACKSON:
Bastards.
Put it down!
Now!
[Grunts]
I don't approve of drugs.
Uh, are you gonna play, Tarzan,
or not?
[Coughing]
It's your serve.
[Mid-tempo music plays]
[Off-key]
♪ A wandering minstrel I ♪
- ♪ A thing of shreds... ♪
- No, no, no. Listen. Hey!
[Grunts]
[Grunts]
[Sobbing]
- OFFICER: Lockup!
- [Keys jingling]
Lights out!
I should not have been brought
down here!
You stated you were
in possession of Semtex.
Yeah. I'm gonna blow the lot
of you to smithereens!
Now, piss off!
If Eugene Buffy has got Semtex,
then he should not be
in the block.
He should be in the SSU.
BUFFY: In with the big boys,
then, am I?
Did you find the Semtex, then?
Hey, what about the ammo,
the machine guns?
Did you find them?
Eugene Buffy,
reclassified prisoner
from C Wing, for admittance.
OFFICER:
Right, Buffy. Move it.
And Brian Samora's got an Uzi
up his jumper.
You gonna reclassify him too?
I've written to Lord Longford,
you know, and Judge Tuman,
the Home Office,
and the prison services!
I've written to everyone!
I've written to
the home secretary, you know.
Probably being discussed right
now in the corridors of power.
All right.
Take it easy, Gov.
Take... Take it...
Stand there, Buffy.
Eugene Buffy.
Transfer from C Wing.
This a metal detector?
Only I've got, like, a metal
plate in me head, you know.
[Beeping]
[Click, beeping stops]
Buffy, cell 4.
Get stripped.
Stand by your bunk.
[Smooches]
Hello, Buffy darling.
Is that the prick
with the Semtex?
Just get on with your business,
Micky.
Yeah. Well, he'd better keep out
of my face.
[Chuckles]
[Indistinct conversations,
mid-tempo music playing]
Hey, um, as we've not had
any rehearsals for some time,
uh, I think it would be best
for all c...
- Uh, excuse me!
- JACKSON: Come on. Listen up.
Settle down.
I think it would be best
for all concerned
if we had a bit of a practice
before, uh, Mrs. Ellison
and Mr. Richard Hallam
of the local amateur
operatic society join us.
When are we getting the women?
- Right. Oh!
- HEWITT: Yes. Thank you.
MAN:
Bring on the beauties!
Ms. Purvis has kindly agreed
to continue playing the piano
for us,
and she will be assisted
by Mr. Samuels.
So, um, when everyone's ready.
PURVIS: Now, remember, everyone,
there's an intro,
so don't come in
till Wilfred puts his hand up.
That's yours, Terry.
Do it properly this time.
- [Mid-tempo music plays]
- And you, Roddy.
♪ A wandering minstrel I ♪
♪ A thing of shreds
and patches ♪
♪ Of ballads, songs,
and snatches ♪
♪ And dreamy lullaby ♪
♪ My catalog is long,
through every passion ranging ♪
I tell you, Mavis,
this musical could be a fiasco.
- Governor.
- Yes.
It's the ladies
from the operatic society.
Ah. Hello. I'm Helen Hewitt.
I'm the governor.
Hello. I'm Carol Baker.
And this is Meryl Sharp.
Hello.
Mrs. Ellison and Mr. Hallam
are already here.
They're in my office.
If you'd like to go through,
I'll take you into the chapel.
- Officer Brent.
- This was way, please, ladies.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Oh, thank God
it's only one performance.
I didn't think they'd be
quite so, um...
- Attractive?
- Well...
There'll be some pushing
and shoving in the chorus
to get close to...
Well, at least to the blonde.
Do you need me before I get back
to Pavarotti?
Uh, yes.
Okay.
Yes.
I know Eugene Buffy
is reclassified,
but I don't think he's gonna
fit in with the heavy mob
in the SSU.
I cannot take lightly any inmate
threatening to use
or have in his possession
explosives.
Look, Brian.
Anything you want to tell me
stays between you and me.
There's nothing worrying me.
Do you miss your pal
Eugene Buffy?
No, I don't.
So what are you trying to say?
I'm not a nonce.
Well, I'm not, okay?!
I want to go back to me cell
now!
Brian, what are you getting
so het up about, man?
I'm not a nonce.
I've got three more years,
and I don't want nobody
calling me a nonce!
- ♪ On a tree by a river ♪
- ♪ On a tree by a river ♪
- ♪ A little tom-tit ♪
- ♪ A little tom-tit ♪
Round the mouth more.
If we can't hear
what you're saying...
And that goes for everyone!
What we want is enunciation.
Right, Ms. Purvis?
PURVIS:
Absolutely, Jumbo.
Clear and sharp.
♪ Tit willow ♪
MEN:
♪ Tit willow, tit willow ♪
We did a production
of "The Mikado" a few years ago.
We are familiar with the score.
It's a jolly show.
Eric?
HEWITT:
Uh, Ms. Purvis?
Oh.
I'm so sorry.
[Men murmuring, whistling]
HEWITT:
Gentlemen.
Hey.
Buckle, Roddy.
I'd like to introduce
Mrs. Ellison, Mr. Hallam,
Ms. Baker...
I'm sorry. Carol.
- [Laughter, men shouting]
- Gentlemen!
[Claps hands]
Gentlemen.
Listen.
HEWITT:
And Meryl.
As from now...
As from now, they will be
leading the rehearsals.
[Chuckles]
No, thanks.
Well, I am getting tickets
for the front row
for the performance.
They need a bit of a laugh
around here.
Prison service.
They want tickets for the show.
That's the good news.
The bad news is they want...
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
They want a detailed report
on the tape recording made by
Eugene Buffy and Brian Samora.
Officer Jason Hully
could find himself in court.
Excuse me, ma'am.
You see what's going on
in the exercise yard?
Tarzan got all the young lads
from C Wing working out.
- How is he working out?
- Tarzan. Yeah.
He signed up for every single
education program.
Guitar glasses, fitness,
computers... you name it.
Moaning about me again, are you?
[Chuckles] No.
We were just discussing Tarzan.
He's very intelligent, you know.
- MARSHALL: There you go.
- Thank you.
He's got the hang
of the word processors,
and he's writing
very good short stories.
He's through to the last round
of the Koestler
writing competition.
Tarzan.
Are you pulling my leg?
Excellent. About time we had
some success rate.
Okay.
I'm back to the grind.
Is this the, um,
"Mikado" poster?
Yes. Brian Samora made it up
on the graphics program.
There's only one "K"
in "Mikado."
- Yeah, Doctor.
- Ah.
Uh, Samora says
there's nothing wrong with him.
Well, not medically.
He's just not been in class
all week.
Well, I'll have another look
at him,
but if something
is bothering him,
he doesn't want to talk
about it.
Perhaps one of the, uh,
psychologists could have a word.
[Mid-tempo music plays]
HALLAM:
♪ A wandering minstrel I ♪
♪ A thing of shreds
and patches ♪
♪ Of ballads, songs,
and snatches ♪
♪ And dreamy lullaby ♪
♪ And dreamy lulla-lullaby ♪
- ♪ Lullaby ♪
- ♪ Lullaby ♪
No, no, no, no!
Look.
We've been through this
three times!
Can you...
You're still sounding throttled!
Look. Just open your throat
and let the sound come out, eh?
- Look.
- Ow!
A splinter.
That's it.
That's it.
Once more, please, Ms. Purvis.
[Mid-tempo music plays]
♪ A wandering minstrel I ♪
♪ A thing of shreds
and patches ♪
♪ Of ballads, songs,
and snatches ♪
♪ And dreamy lullaby ♪
♪ And dreamy lulla-lullaby ♪
- ♪ Lullaby ♪
- ♪ Lullaby ♪
[Down-tempo music plays]
You keep this tight shut.
You wanted soap powder,
didn't you?
- Yeah.
- Take it.
You're in it now, sunshine,
and I'll be watching you.
Every move you make,
every breath you take,
I'll be watching you.
♪ Oh, can't you see... ♪
Get the shooter out of the
soap powder, you stupid git.
Four-eyes found it.
Hey.
If you've been sent in here
to blab,
I'll cut your tongue
out your cacky, flaccid face.
Okay.
- You got our Semtex?
- What?
You found the Semtex?
Don't know what you're on about.
It was just a joke.
If you want to sleep
and wake up,
you don't see or hear nothing,
all right?
- Okay. Yeah.
- Okay.
[Gasps]
[Pool balls rattling]
Ms. Purvis, pianist, is waiting.
Oh, two minutes, Mavis.
And, um, could you make me
a salad for lunch?
I've put on pounds
with your sandwiches.
Okay.
- Ah.
- Have you been to a doctor?
No, no. I'm fine. I'm just...
It comes and goes.
I'm probably addicted
to this stuff.
All the time
or just in the mornings?
Um, it's just you said
you'd been putting on weight,
and, um...
Well, you couldn't be, uh,
you know, could you?
Morning sickness, dizzy.
Couldn't be what, Mavis?
Pregnant.
Mavis, do you honestly think
I wouldn't know?
Besides which,
I've had a period every month.
Well, then you should see
a doctor.
This has been going on
for weeks.
Ms. Purvis.
Thank you for seeing me.
Is it about rehearsals?
No, it isn't.
Uh, it's personal.
It's about a prisoner...
Uh, Wilfred Samuels.
- I don't know his number.
- I know Mr. Samuels.
We want to get married.
I couldn't believe it.
Just like that, she says,
"We want to get married." Oi.
Do you?
What?
Want to get married?
[Laughing]
Oh, my God.
You want the Range Rover back.
Can you stop joking
just for a minute?
I'm serious.
Do I want to get married...
to you?
We're not exactly
at Charing Cross, Helen.
[Chuckles]
Well...
maybe I expected to be asked
in a more romantic location.
My bedroom... our bedroom.
We are living together.
You use my car more than I do.
See? You do want
the Range Rover back.
You don't want to marry me?
[Chuckles]
No. Well...
No. I love you.
I really do, but...
Well, why can't we just
keep things the way they are?
Well, why not go
one step further?
Because I can't.
Not right now.
Okay.
Want a refill?
- Simon.
- Hmm?
I do love you, Simon.
And...
Just give me a bit more time,
okay?
Simon.
Sure.
BRAITHWAITE:
Get those legs up!
Get those legs up!
Keep it moving!
Get moving!
Get those legs up!
Get it moving!
Oi!
You'll bloody well
knock that off!
[Indistinct shouting]
Come on, Roddy!
You can't stop!
Go on!
Go on, you lazy git!
[Shouting continues]
What do you think you're doing?
I'll get these flabby,
unhealthy bastards fit.
- Keep moving!
- To get your exercise,
you do it in the yard,
not the wing.
Get in your cell now.
Are you stopping me?
Yes, I am stopping you.
I'm up for the Koestler
Writer's Award.
That's got nothing to do
with me.
What you do on this wing
has got to do with me,
and right now you're getting up
everybody's noses
- charging 'round.
- It's exercise!
Then exercise in the yard
and not on association.
Now, get back to your cell.
Get back to your cell, Tarzan.
Any more of this,
and you're gonna go on report.
Don't you ever threaten me.
How about we sort that bastard
out once and for all, Governor?
SMITH:
All of them, bastards.
Smith, I told you!
In your cell now!
Hey, Brian, you should hear
these girls sing.
Never mind the knockers.
I'm doing a duet
with one of them,
and 'cause I'm playing a woman,
I can get me hands on her.
What do you think?
♪ Tit willow, tit willow ♪
♪ Tits willow ♪
SAMORA:
Get out.
Eric, would you get out?!
Eric!
What's the matter with you, Bri?
I know. Missing your
bosom buddy, are you?
Eugene Buffy thinks he's a
big shot 'cause he's in the SSU.
Get out!
Oh! Shit!
You all right, son?
MARSH:
Yes, Mr. Jackson.
You all right, Brian?
Not like you to stay
in your cell like this.
[Sniffs, sighs]
I'm a little con...
Confused, Mr. Jackson.
I've lost me confidence.
Why? Has somebody been messing
with you?
All right, Brian?
No.
No one's been messing with me.
If they did, I'd beat them up.
Look, Brian.
If you need to talk anyone,
you just have to say the word.
Why don't you want to go down
to education today?
Is it Tarzan?
When is Eugene coming back
on the wing?
I don't know, son.
[Down-tempo music plays]
[Sobs]
JACKSON:
Gov.
Tarzan's getting a bit heavy.
He's unsettled
a lot of the regulars.
SYONS: Well, I knew it was
too bloody good to last.
What are you doing?
I want every one
of them billiard balls
back in the lockup... now.
What do you suggest?
[Scoffs]
I don't know.
It's exercise time now.
JACKSON: I don't know, but he's
starting to control the wing.
Come on, slobs.
Stop playing your kid's games.
- Do yourself a favor...
- Put your stuff away.
And don't end up on the block
again.
Let's train!
It was my decision
to put Tarzan back on the wing,
and he's showing
great improvement.
In fact, today I was told
he's got through
to the final of the Koestler
writing competition.
Oh.
Is this his wing?
Uh, B and C Wing. Yes.
They exercise together.
I'd like to congratulate him.
Morning.
JACKSON:
Mr. Bunny?
Morning.
Can you call Tarzan over?
Do you know how many tickets
there's gonna be for the show?
- CHISWICK: Tarzan.
- HEWITT: Morning.
CHISWICK:
Tarzan.
Mr. Tarzan, I'm the area manager
of Barfield...
- Aah!
- Aah!
- Jackson!
- BUNNY: Let me down!
Aah! Aah!
[Indistinct shouting]
Yes!
Hey!
I'm telling you,
he picked him up and threw him.
I mean, not like that.
Like that.
[Laughter]
Ah. Eugene.
You don't fancy some fresh air,
Eugene?
No.
I want to make a phone call.
Sorry, pal.
Not from here, you can't.
- I want to see the governor.
- OFFICER: You know the rules.
Put it on a request form.
I hope you do know the rules,
Eugene.
- Vernon, exercise.
- MAN: Right, Billy.
What about you, Terry?
Are you not exercising tonight?
[Ball bouncing]
You know, if I write a note,
will you see it gets delivered?
Depends, Eugene.
It's just to a mate of mine
on C Wing... Brian Samora.
I don't want to stay here.
Come on into the yard, Eugene.
We're playing handball.
I don't want to play handball.
[Down-tempo music plays]
Don't you want any lunch, Brian?
Trolley's on the wing.
I'm not hungry.
[Exhales deeply]
Look.
If it makes you feel any better,
we're moving Tarzan out.
I've got to speak to Eugene.
Got to.
Give me a note.
I'll see that he gets it.
Okay?
Mr. Jackson, hurry it up,
will you?
I want you down here.
No worry, boss.
OFFICER:
Getting nervous, are we?
Come here, you.
SYONS:
Right, Mr. Jackson.
You know that Keith Smith's due
in court tomorrow.
Van will be at reception early.
Got a long way to travel.
Now, we need to clear
Tarzan's possessions
and get him to sign for them.
He had quite a lot of gear
for a fairly short stay with us.
Right. He's probably nicked
half of it and all.
God.
Actually, he's not got a lot
for 27 years, has he?
Here you are, boss.
Read some of that.
Oh, good stuff.
Library.
Library.
See?
He's filched half of this
from out the nicks' libraries.
Hang on a second.
Eugene Buffy.
Now, that's not a music tape.
The little bastards said they'd
got it stashed in a safe place.
- [Ball thudding]
- Rope's finished.
We've got the poles ready
and we're all set.
One call, and we get transport
standing by.
HOWEL:
Saturday it is, then.
Be with the wife
for the weekend.
CULLINAN:
Watch this prick.
I think he's here
to inform on us.
Lunch is up, lads.
That's okay, Vernon.
I'm having steak today.
Ah.
You hungry, Eugene?
What do you fancy?
Slab of filet?
Or a piece of chicken breast?
[Spits]
Eugene.
Are you all right?
Lockup, lads!
Spread them out! Come on!
JACKSON: I'm getting
very nervous about tomorrow.
I've got a tickle
in me bloody throat.
I've been sucking
these bloody Tunes
till they're going out
of fashion.
And I can't get me voice.
[Singsong voice]
Hully!
JACKSON:
Unlike that little bastard.
Hey, Keith!
Due in court tomorrow, eh?
Hey, Smithy!
I'm talking to you, Smithy!
Shut it, wanker.
OFFICER: Burt, stop talking
and keep walking.
CHISWICK:
In your cell.
Nighty-night, Brian.
BRENT: Stop messing around
and get in your cell now.
I won't be able to sleep.
First-night nerves.
Big day tomorrow.
Are you going to the show,
Mr. Brent?
BRENT:
I for sure am, yeah.
Hey, Mr. Jackson, if Buffy's
not coming back on the wing,
can I bunk in with Brian?
Jack Binter's got
terrible stinking feet.
Don't make us say it again.
Get in your cell now.
OFFICER:
Lockup!
HADDOCK [Singing indistinctly]
Lockup, Brian.
You are going to showers
tomorrow.
OFFICER:
Lights out!
Lights out!
HADDOCK:
♪ Tit willow, tit willow ♪
Brian.
We found the second tape
in Tarzan's cell,
you little Scouse shit.
- Full house?
- Yeah.
Locked up, banged up,
and the Scouser's wound up.
Well, the word is him and the
cellmate recorded the soft git
asking them to beat up some con
who'd been giving him
a hard time.
Eh?
Now it looks like Officer Hully
is going to trial,
and if he gets sent down,
God help him.
The bastard.
Who wants some chicken?
Cooked up too much.
- No, thanks.
- No, thanks. Got me sandwiches.
Are you sure?
It'll only go to waste.
No takers?
BUFFY:
Hey. Hey.
I don't want any.
Oh, Jesus.
He saw the rope.
Taking a shower.
Mind that chicken bone, Eugene.
A lot of people choke to death
on a chicken bone.
Micky, are you still
in the showers?
Come on.
Sort him out, Micky.
It's getting too close
for cock-ups.
What are we gonna do?
We're gonna deal with it.
We've got two days.
I'm off.
Don't forget your appointment
with the doctor
tomorrow at 4:00.
What?
I thought it'd be okay,
as you'll be going home
to change for the show.
Oh, yeah.
Uh, Mavis, could you, um,
uh, organize some flowers
for Ms. Purvis
and the operatic ladies?
Will do.
See you tomorrow.
- Yep. Good night.
- Good night.
[Down-tempo music plays]
♪ I'm too young to die ♪
♪ And too old to tell lies ♪
♪ I couldn't help you ♪
♪ I couldn't help me,
my friend ♪
♪ But without you, my friend,
I'm terrified ♪
OFFICER:
You okay, Eugene?
[Paper crinkling]
Look, thanks for this, Gov.
Um, it's to Brian Samora
on C Wing.
I can't remember his number.
All right.
But this is against regulations,
you know.
I know, but I'm not
one of these bastards.
I'm not real CAT-A.
I lied about the Semtex.
I lied.
It was a joke.
Good night, Eugene.
Good night, Gov.
Don't hang about, Eric.
You've been in front
of that mirror for 10 minutes.
Still doing his hair.
Getting all ponced up
for the dress rehearsal.
You've been doing a bit
of Brylcreaming and all.
Same could be said of you,
Mr. Jackson.
- Like Old Spice, do you?
- Get on. Get moving.
Come on.
Shift it.
Where's Brian?
Eight.
- You all right, Terry?
- Yeah.
- A bit nervous, Mr. Jackson.
- Well, don't worry.
Let's go, lads.
- Come on, Brian.
- Samora, come on!
Hey. He's been taking
those throat sweets.
He thinks he's gonna lose
his voice for the musical.
[Laughs]
We should be so lucky.
Brian?
[Water running]
Brent! Chizzy!
Get back here!
[Grunts]
Brian.
Brent! Chizzy!
Get in here!
Brent!
Chizzy!
We've arranged a transfer
for you, Mr. Snooper,
but we want the names of the men
you know to be dealing...
The barons, the runners,
and the prisoners you know
are being threatened.
What protection do I get?
MARSHALL:
You'll be out of here.
But first we want
the information.
And we'll check it out.
And how you gonna do that, man?
If I give you names and you
start ducking and diving about,
them is gonna know
that me are the grass.
You could also give us any name
you pulled out of a hat.
Oh, man.
You not get what you want
from my information?
You're in charge here, right?
You mean to tell me you can't
get me back inside here?
Hmm?
I wouldn't screw you.
A deal is a deal, right?
I swear on my kids' life.
Two kids' life.
- [Taps desk]
- [Exhales deeply]
No.
You got to get off this wing
beforehand, man,
because them men out there will
look upon me and they will know.
And that'll be me dead or me
have to kill somebody, right?
You understand me?
- Please.
- Easy.
SNOOPER:
Please.
Gov, can I see you for a second?
You'd better not be
messing us about, Snoopy.
I wouldn't do that to you, man.
What?
I deal with you on the level.
You know what I mean?
Look. You is a good man, right?
Me know you is a good man.
'Cause me see you operate,
right?
- Me see you.
- Hey.
HEWITT:
Officer Jackson?
Names, barons, dealers, users.
Gary.
Nothing I can do.
Silly little bastard.
You all right?
I give him mouth-to-mouth, Gary.
But he was dead
when I cut him down.
Hey.
Hey.
I'll wait
till the police get here.
They found him
in the end cubicle.
Does anybody know why?
And does it have anything to do
with us finding
- that bloody tape?
- I don't know.
Governor Syons said he thought
maybe Tarzan was having a go
at him, but no note, nothing.
I'd better wait
for the coroner's report.
In the meantime,
I'd better contact his family.
- Yes.
- Um, sorry.
Do you want to cancel
the dress rehearsal?
Mrs. Ellison and everyone
are at reception.
- No.
- Was he in the show?
No.
Let it go on.
Better they have something
to take their mind off it.
MARSHALL:
They don't know yet.
They were all out of the shower
before Jackson found him.
One of the SSU officers
brought this.
It's from Eugene Buffy.
[Paper crinkling]
"Dear Brian, I'm being got at in
here, and they won't let me out.
You've got to write
to the Home Office."
Somebody had better tell him
before the, uh, starts
on the grapevine.
Morning, ma'am.
Why the hell are these curtains
still up?
I gave instructions
for them to be taken down.
You must have visibility
and access...
Ma'am, they said it was
an invasion of their privacy,
just like they did
with the security lights.
Is it?
Well, that is a workroom.
It is not a sauna.
Get them taken down today.
- Yes, ma'am.
- Eugene.
[Classical music playing]
Could you turn that TV off,
please?
Quickly, please.
Quickly, please.
[Music stops]
Sit down, Eugene.
Am I going back on the wing?
[Sighs]
I'm afraid I have some bad news
for you, Eugene,
and I wanted to tell you
personally.
I've been expecting it.
You've found the other tape,
haven't you?
You're not gonna do anything
about that bent screw.
You're all bent, the lot of you.
Eugene, this isn't about
the tape,
and the officer involved is
going to be charged over that.
I'm sorry to be the one
to tell you this.
Brian Samora committed suicide
this morning.
No.
I know he was your friend
and your cellmate.
No.
No.
- Would you like a cup of tea?
- No. No.
No.
- If you'd like Dr. Williams...
- No!
No. No.
[Clears throat]
Keep an eye on him.
Ma'am.
And I want those curtains down
today.
Yes, ma'am.
Good day, ma'am.
They're all after me.
[Door closes]
It's a conspiracy.
Oh, they killed Brian.
They killed Brian.
They'll come for me next.
Gonna kill me.
They're gonna kill me.
[Telephone ringing]
Okay. I'm going now.
I'll see you later.
Art department made them up.
Correct spelling this time.
We might have to do
more than one.
Not got a seat left.
God forbid.
Oswald Snooper is on his way,
and we've got Keith Smith back
for 12 years.
I know. Took the jury
less than 10 minutes.
I'll see you later.
Where's she going?
Could you put these up
in the chapel
and take the ones down
that are spelled wrong?
Have you booked a ticket?
Are you kidding?
The lads have got three rows.
Oh, and could you take
these flowers over?
Leave them at the side
of the stage.
Bloody hell, Mavis.
Look!
- [Ball thudding]
- Right. My ball.
Yah!
Still talking to yourself,
Eugene?
- Yeah.
- Ha.
From now on, I talk to you.
Oh, yeah?
Just like that, eh?
- Mm.
- Piss off.
I know you're planning
going over the wall on Saturday.
He's a nutter.
Am I?
It's that it should be tonight.
They're putting on a big show.
All the cons and screws
will be busy.
What do you want, Eugene?
Hmm?
You want this stuffed down
your throat?
No.
I want to come with you.
♪ To the matter
that you mention ♪
♪ I have given some attention ♪
♪ And I think
I am sufficiently decayed ♪
You need your makeup, Terry.
And you need more eye makeup,
Richard.
I-It's Roddy, Carol.
Roddy.
Oh.
I'm so sorry, Roddy.
I'll do your eyes and lips.
Uh, Meryl is doing yours, Eric.
Carol, do I need
any more makeup?
Uh, no, but ask Mr. Hallam.
He's doing most of the maids.
Now, then, though of you
who are still unsure about...
It'll all soon be over.
I can't think about it.
I get so upset.
Then don't,
because it isn't over for us.
Oh, I must run through
some of the songs with you.
You're a little bit late
turning the pages.
During the performance,
this here...
[Grunts]
is stage right.
And this is stage left.
If you're not onstage
but waiting in the wings,
no talking.
And if you have any quick
changes, rehearse them now,
because it's your last chance.
All right.
Listen up.
Ms. Hewitt's gone
to get ready for tonight,
so I'll get cracking.
This ruddy show.
You know,
I've not had time for lunch.
Do you know how many officers
are required just for security?
Yeah. And you'll need a hell
of a lot more for this.
Oswald Snooper.
I have a list here,
and you won't believe it.
Thirty-five known dealers,
five barons,
numerous inmates
who are under pressure
to bring in cocaine, heroin,
and crack.
Gary... Gary, uh,
Russell Morgan is in with Mavis.
Uh, she wants to know
if the flowers are in water.
Tell her yes, yes, yes.
Now, can we just get back
to this?
If you look at the names,
you'll see there's also listed
eight officers.
Bit of a panic all 'round today.
We've got this musical.
- I can always come back, Mavis.
- No, no, no.
Gary Marshall will go bananas
if he knew you'd been in
- and not seen him.
- [Telephone ringing]
Excuse me.
Mrs. O'Connell.
Yes, I'll hold.
You're looking very well,
Russell.
How's Nora?
Oh, it's been tough on her,
maybe even more than me.
I've applied for a job
with a security company.
Oh, that's good.
Yeah.
Edward Stretton.
Yeah.
He's the photographer.
I sent you his particulars.
He's to photograph the cast
for the prison magazine, and...
Ms. Hewitt will be back
any minute now, okay?
I'm in the way.
I just wanted to say thanks
for this Simon Lennox.
Very positive.
He's a good chap.
Reckons I might get
some compensation,
so add that to the pay out,
and might be okay.
Look who's here.
Hello, me old son.
It's good to see you.
You're looking very sharp.
How are you doing?
Is she back yet?
MORGAN: I may be going to work
for a security company.
Well, the Service will always
have you back, wouldn't they?
Mavis, she's cutting it
a bit fine.
- You know what...
- No, Gary.
Not with my medical records.
They've got me down
as a fruit-and-nut... Hey.
We'll maybe have a drink
sometime, yeah?
Hang on. Hang on.
Look.
Let's go up to the lounge.
Some of the lads are up there.
We're getting a darts match on.
Come on.
Would you hold on a moment?
Gary.
- Yeah.
- Can you take this?
It's something about Tarzan.
Hang on, Russ.
What time is she coming back,
Mavis?
Yeah. Marshall.
I'm just gonna change, Gary.
Yeah.
[Chuckles]
Yeah.
Yeah. Right.
I'll pass it on.
I don't believe that.
Tarzan has just got second
in the Koestler writing prize.
- What do you want?
- Where's the governor?
We need more officers
to bring in the audience.
How do I know?
She's having her hair done,
I suppose.
I've had it all up to here.
We need this
like a ruddy hole in the head.
[Vehicles passing]
[Alarm chirps]
[Sobs]
[Indistinct conversations]
Mr. Bunny has just arrived.
How many months?
Four.
I don't believe it myself.
I-I thought it was
food poisoning.
My God, Helen.
All that stuff
you've been taking, it won't...
I mean, it... it can't harm it,
can it?
The doctor says it shouldn't,
and he says I'm very fit.
I didn't know...
I still don't know how I feel.
Shocked?
I know I do.
Well, I have to have it.
I'm... It's over four months.
[Sighs]
I just...
I feel stupid.
I should have known.
[Sighs]
Well, now you do know.
We both know.
So I'm going to try again.
I now formally ask all one
and almost a half of you
to marry me.
I love you.
Oh, I was scared that you...
I-I mean, I don't want you
to feel, you know, that you...
I want you, Helen,
and I want our baby.
So, third time lucky...
will you marry me?
[Sighs]
You free for dinner tonight,
Ms. Hewitt?
[Laughs]
Oh, my God. What time is it?
- Oh, my God. I have to go.
- What?
No.
I'm serious.
It's the show.
It's "The Mikado."
- I can't be late.
- Well, you want me to drive you?
No, no.
I'll be fine.
It will be finished by 8:00,
and I'll come straight back.
[Horn honks in distance]
I love you.
[Indistinct conversations]
[Keys jingling]
Well, one good thing about
putting on a show in the nick...
You've got a captive audience.
- Where's the governor?
- I'm trying to track her down.
You're gonna have to
start it off if she's not here.
We can't keep them waiting.
I know. I know.
Let's get over there.
[Door closes]
[Keys jingling]
Bloody mayhem out there.
They've got a full house
for that show, you know.
Said they weren't gonna
let me in.
I said, "Hey, soft lad.
I frigging work here."
How about a game of hardball?
This program sniffs.
Show hasn't started yet.
- Got to wait for the start.
- Shut up.
It's a big opening number.
Loads of music.
- Shut up.
- Okay.
Come on.
[Indistinct conversations]
- Is she here?
- No. She's caught in traffic.
So I'll go on and open the show,
yeah?
All right.
[Cheers and applause]
I won't make any speeches.
[Men shouting]
Just to say a warm welcome
to everyone.
Now, this is really
the inmates' night,
and they wanted to show
their appreciation.
- [Applause]
- Please.
Thanks to Ms. Purvis,
our musical director.
[Cheers and applause]
Tonight's performance, as
requested by everyone on C Wing,
is dedicated to Brian Samora.
- [Cheers and applause]
- Thank you.
And everyone enjoy the show.
[Mid-tempo music plays]
- Good evening, lads.
- MAN: Night, Vernon.
Lights on and off, Billy.
Oh, go on, then.
Usual before beddy-byes.
Looks like you lads
have tidied up in here.
Very impressed.
Not this crap again, lads,
please.
- [Mid-tempo music playing]
- Probably seen this six times.
How you going, Liam?
You all right?
Come on.
Cheer up.
♪ For wherever our country's
banner may be planted ♪
♪ All other local banners
are defied ♪
♪ Our warriors
in serried ranks assembled ♪
♪ Never quail
or they conceal it if they do ♪
[Indistinct conversations]
OFFICER: Tea and sandwiches
won't be long.
The other fella
not working out with you?
He was getting too old, son.
I think it's that workout
I showed you the other day.
- [Chuckles]
- I think it knackered us.
Well, they're flying
Pam Anderson in for me tonight,
so I'll be all right, kid.
Pam Anderson? Well, if she comes
alone, I might just join you.
Well, there you go.
Catch.
[Indistinct shouting]
KEARNS: Hand over that stick.
Hands on the table.
Hands on the table!
Get over here!
Get over here!
Get the fuck down!
[Cheers and applause]
♪ Three little maids from school
are we ♪
♪ Pert as a schoolgirl
well can be ♪
♪ Filled to the brim
with girlish glee ♪
♪ Three little maids
from school ♪
HOWEL: Here we go.
Come on. Come on. Come on.
Keep up.
Come on. Come on. Come on.
Come on!
Would you get down?
KEARNS:
Come on, Billy.
HOWEL:
Shut it.
Shut up.
♪ Three little maids who,
all unwary ♪
♪ Come from a ladies' seminary ♪
♪ Freed from its
genius tutelary ♪
♪ Three little maids
from school ♪
- Shit.
- I told you... Shut your mouth.
[Metal rattling]
Go. Go.
Clear. One down.
Two to go.
Go!
[Mid-tempo music playing
on television]
Go, lads.
Keep against the wall.
Keep against the wall!
[Indistinct conversations]
- CULLINAN: Shut it!
- KEARNS: Come on. Move it.
Go. Come on!
Go. Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
♪ From three little maids,
take one away ♪
♪ Two little maids remain
and they ♪
♪ Won't have to wait very long
they say ♪
♪ Three little maids
from school ♪
[Indistinct conversations]
HOWEL: Don't rattle.
Don't rattle. Don't rattle.
Liam, poles.
Poles, poles. Poles. Come on.
Eugene, come here.
Come here.
Come here.
Stay, stay, stay.
KEARNS:
Come on. Come on.
- Move. Move!
- Come on.
Come on, now. Come, now.
Come on.
- Up, up, up, up, up, up.
- KEARNS: Hook them on.
♪ If that is so,
sing derry, down derry ♪
♪ It's evident, very,
our tastes are one. ♪
♪ Away we'll go
and merrily marry ♪
♪ Nor tardily tarry
till day is done ♪
[Indistinct whispering]
Ouch.
Relax.
Relax.
We're nearly there.
[Indistinct conversations,
chain rattling]
HOWEL:
Come on! Go!
Steady.
- Stay. Wait.
- BUFFY: Okay. Okay.
Wait.
♪ Sing derry, down derry,
we'll merrily marry ♪
♪ Nor tardily tarry
till day is done ♪
[Cheers and applause]
Eugene, you know what to do,
right?
I know.
I'm gonna shoot them down.
You're the big man, Eugene.
I'm gonna shoot the...
You're the main man, Eugene.
They killed my mate.
Take it easy.
They killed my mate!
Bastards.
Soon as we get rid
of this shithead nutter.
- Yes. Come on, Micky.
- BUFFY: Bastards killed him.
- [Crowd booing]
- [Laughs]
♪ My object all sublime ♪
♪ I will achieve in time ♪
♪ To make the punishment fit
the crime ♪
♪ The punishment fit the crime ♪
- [Imitating gunshots]
- KEARNS: Eugene!
Eugene, come on. Come on.
Up you get. Good boy.
[Mid-tempo music plays]
[Indistinct conversations]
Wait for me!
Don't you go without me!
Wait!
Don't go without me!
Eugene.
Come on, Eugene!
Eugene!
[Music continues]
I've got the gun!
I've got the gun!
♪ His object so sublime ♪
♪ He will achieve in time ♪
♪ To make the punishment fit
the crime ♪
♪ The punishment fit the crime ♪
BECK:
Let's go. Let's go!
Come on, now, Eugene.
You're the main man.
All right.
I'm over.
KEARNS:
He's slipping.
♪ The threatened cloud
has passed away ♪
♪ And brightly shines
the dawning day ♪
♪ What though the night
may come too soon ♪
♪ We've years and years
of afternoon ♪
MEN: ♪ Then let the throng
our joy advance ♪
♪ With laughing song
and merry dance ♪
♪ Then let the throng
our joy advance ♪
♪ With laughing song
and merry dance ♪
Go!
Get the alarm!
- [Bell ringing]
- I've got him! Get the gun!
I've got him!
He's secure!
- I've got him!
- OFFICER: It's a ruddy toy gun!
- Okay!
- [Laughs]
- ♪ With joyous shout ♪
- [Alarm blaring]
[Indistinct shouting]
[Music continues]
[Alarms blaring]
Wait for me, guys!
Wait for me, guys!
Wait!
[Music continues]
My name is Eugene Fuckin' Buffy!
Come and get me!
[Alarms blaring]
[Indistinct shouting]
Wait for me, guys!
Wait for me!
Sound the alarm!
[Indistinct shouting]
Go! Go!
Get out!
[Engine revs]
[Music continues]
Come on!
Come on!
Come on, you bastards!
Drop the weapon!
- Fuck off!
- Drop the weapon.
Oh, bollocks!
[Gunshots]
[Screaming]
Don't shoot!
Don't shoot!
Hold your fire!
[Gasping]
[Siren wailing in distance]
[Grunts]
[Down-tempo music plays]