The Good Place (2016–…): Season 2, Episode 7 - Derek - full transcript

Go back to the void, babe.
I'll be there in a minute.

- Okay, I'll miss you like crazy.
- I'll miss you more.

No.

I'll miss you more. Bye!

That's my first time making someone

so he might be a little bit off.

Janet, you can't just go
around inventing people.

Get rid of him immediately.

No. Eleanor told me
to find a rebound guy.

I couldn't find one so I made one.

[laughs] He's helping me
forget about Jason.



- [chime]
- [groans]

Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason,
Jason, Jason.

Jason, Jason, Jason,
Jason, Jason, Jason,

[whimpers] Jason, Jason, Jason...

- Honey...
- Jason, Jason, Jason...

Babe. Babe! Don't be jealous.

- I love you now.
- [groans]

We are going to spend
every second together.

- [sighs]
- No, no!

No, you are not.

Janet, no one can know about...

I'm so sorry. What is your name again?

Derek Hoffstetler.

If anybody finds out
about him, we are doomed.



He has to stay in your void.

It's our void now. [laughs]

- We moved in together!
- What?!

Can you believe it?

I got my own hanger for my jumpsuit.

Already? I mean, that's so fast.

Well, when you know you know.

And we know literally everything.

We are so in sync,
we're finishing each other's...

Derek!

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

[dramatic movie music plays]

- Hey, guys.
- [gasps]

Michael, you frightened me.

Jason's making me watch this horror film

about two ex-convicts
who try to rob and murder

a neglected a child.

Get over here.

Hey, I've got some great news.

I've arranged for you
to have a weekend getaway.

I bet you're tired of being cooped up

in this house, aren't you?

I am a bit, actually.

All this time indoors has
degraded my skin

from radiant to merely dewy.

Me? Dewy?

Well, there is going to be
plenty of sun and fun

at the private campsite
that I set up for you

at the edge of the neighborhood.

Here you go. I told Vicky that

I'll be torturing you for the time being

so just relax. Live it up.
Out you go, here.

Now sadly, Janet is still offline

so you can't call her, okay?

The best news is
none of this is suspicious.

I don't know
what's going to happen to us,

but I need to tell you something.

I love you.

What are you watching?

Um, "Cannonball Run II."

Again?

You watch that movie a lot.

Well, it's basically
my favorite movie of all time.

But you can never watch it.

This copy's mine. Uh-oh.

I guess I'm still pretty selfish.

Help! I need another
ethics lesson, quick!

Very weird energy coming
off you right now.

Hey guys, whatcha doing?

Nothing? Great.

So, Chidi, just wanted to double check.

How do ethical philosophers
feel about murder?

- It's frowned upon.
- Okay.

What if the reason
you want to murder someone

is to make your life easier?
That's okay, right?

Is there a problem here, bud?

Okay, I'll just tell you. Um...

No, too hard to explain.

I'll show you. Janet.

- Hi, there.
- Hey, there!

Who the fork is that?

Derek Hoffstetler, P.I.

Derek is my rebound guy.

I made him.

Oh.

Did you do that because of what I said?

Yes, because of what you said.

- Janet...
- Thank you, Eleanor.

Thank you, Eleanor.

You know, you seem so sad.

Do you want me to make you a
boyfriend too?

- Ooh, I could have a brother?
- Yes!

Based on your last 10,000 comments,

it would be Stone Cold Steve
Austin's head on Tahani's body.

Or vice versa.

She's not going to make you anything.

- Janet, that will be all.
- Okay, goodbye.

- Say "goodbye," Derek.
- Ah, good-bob.

I hope we same place again very now.

[chuckles] His brain is wrong.

[both laugh]

- Mmm.
- Mm.

Now, the goal is to tap the ball

hard enough that it goes
through the wicket

but not so hard
that it goes too far through.

It combines both classic
aspects of British sport:

whimsy and restraint.

Oh, so restrained.

I believe it was Prime Minister
Neville Chamberlain

who called croquet "barely a game."

It's kind of fun I guess,

but can I teach you a different game?

In this one, you just whack it
as hard as you can

in whatever direction you want.

Jaguars rule!

[glass shatters]

The Jaguars are very good. Oh!

Whoa, nice.

Mmm.

[glass shattering]

[laughs]

- Thor!
- Well done.

Okay, here's where I am on this:

We gotta to kill Derek.

No, think about it.

What if Vicky calls for Janet,
and Derek shows up too?

She's got to have a lot of questions

that we can't answer.

But Derek does seem to be

helping Janet get over Jason.

Right? No earthquakes
since he showed up.

If we get rid of Derek,

then maybe Janet will start
glitching again...

Okay, if we can't kill Derek,

then we've got to break
up Jason and Tahani.

If that relationship ends,

then Janet won't feel sad anymore,

and maybe she'll get rid
of Derek herself.

Girl, you are a messy bench
who loves drama,

- and I am into it.
- I'm sorry, Michael,

but that's also ethically kind of dicey.

Here comes the egghead.

Well, look, Jason and Tahani
are happy together,

and telling them that he was
once married to Janet

might cause them harm.

It's not permissible to ruin

their happiness to save ourselves.

Wait, but isn't keeping
a secret from someone

basically like lying though?

No, no, it's okay to keep a
secret as long as that secret

isn't harming anyone,

and telling them that secret
might cause harm.

- Noice!
- Cool.

Good point, egghead.

I'll tell you what else
would cause them harm,

getting caught and being sent
to the real Bad Place

to be tortured for eternity,
which will happen

if Derek blows our cover.

I know, but we'll also be
sent to the real Bad Place

if we do bad things.

I know it's tempting
to take a short-cut,

but moral strength is defined
by how we behave

in times of stress.

Has anyone ever told you
what a drag you are?

Everyone.

Constantly.

[imitates a trumpet]

I hereby pronounce you King Jason.

Dope.

Where did you learn how to do this?

The Hertfordshire Academy
for Expressionless Girls.

It was a finishing school
I attended before Oxford,

and then, of course, the Sorbonne.

Do you know what, I don't think
I ever asked you were educated.

I went to Lynyrd Skynyrd High School

in Northeast Jacksonville,

which was really just a bunch
of tugboats tied together.

Didn't you get seasick?

No, sorry... they were tied
together in a junk yard.

It wasn't a very good school.

For most of my classes,

we just sold dirty magazines
door-to-door.

You know, Jason, every single
detail about your life is...

deeply disturbing.

And yet, I envy you.

I was never allowed to goof off.

Never even had a friend
I could just be myself around.

Maybe I can be that friend.

Or your husband.

[chuckles] Okay, stop it.

No, no, no, I'm serious.

Will you marry me?

I say we just let sleeping dogs lie.

Tell Janet that Derek can stay,

but she's got to keep him under wraps

so that none of the other
demons find out.

Fine. As long as they fly
under the radar

and Janet stays happy,
I think we'll be safe.

- Janet.
- [both shouting]

- How could you do this.
- You don't respect me,

and you never have!

Because to you I will always be

that guy you made.

- Guys, what's going?
- Okay, can we not do this

in front of my friends?

Oh, so they're your friends now.

I'm stating a fact.
They are your friends!

I don't know these people.

I am out of here.

Oh, great, Derek.

I'm going to go back to our void,

and I'm going to try to forget
this ever happened.

It is not your void. It is my void.

I know it's a boundless,
barren nothingness,

but you are always there.

Fine. I'll go somewhere else.

- Fine!
- No, no, not fine.

Don't go somewhere else.

Okay... yeah...

We're forked here, aren't we?

Look, Jason, you're lovely,

and I've honestly had a wonderful time

with you these past few weeks,

but why on Earth would I marry you?

Well, for one thing, we're not on Earth.

Decent point.

Also, we like each other,

and I promise to always be nice to you.

Okay.

I'll marry you.

But I need some time
to plan a proper reception.

I mean, where will everyone sit?

Will it be Michael and Janet
opposite Chidi and Eleanor

or Michael and Eleanor
opposite Janet and Chidi?

Let's have it today at the beach.

The beach is where all the best
stuff happens like...

swimsuit issues and...
"Saving Private Ryan"

and "Jersey Shore" and...

- crabs!
- Okay.

Oh, I hope Janet's back online.

- Janet.
- Hi, there.

Is everything all right, Janet?

Yeah, mm-hmm, everything
is fine, it's okay, yeah.

I'm fine. So, it's all fine.
[fake laughs]

How can I help you?

- [gasps]
- There he is!

Derek. How are you? Nice to meet you.

Derek, get down from there.

I am not coming down
because I meant to come here.

I came here on purpose

because this tree is my new house.

This is Derek's house,
and Janet's not allowed in

because I booby trapped it.

- Hi.
- Janet!

Oh, my God, you're here, thank God.

Derek, I am not talking
to you right now.

I'm here to announce that Jason Mendoza

and Tahani Al-Jamil are getting
married this evening.

"The ceremony will be private,

"but we think it would be totally dope

"if you biz-natches came

and got turnt up with us afterward."

I think I can guess
who wrote the invitation.

How come you never get this
upset at anything I do, Janet?

Do not start with me right now, Derek.

Oh, I will start it.

- No, no.
- Don't.

Do not avoid me by going to the void.

- No, no!
- No, no, no!

- What a little bench!
- [groans]

Things are falling apart here.

Chidi...

I understand the ethics involved,

but we need to stop that wedding.

We break up Jason and Tahani.

Janet stops being sad.

Derek goes away.

- Fine, but...
- [both groan]

There is something called the
Doctrine of Double Effect.

In order to remain ethical,
you can't just go into this

with the intention of killing Derek.

Your only goal has to be
to spare Jason and Tahani

from future pain by filling
them in on Jason's past.

No, I got you, I got you.
So, it's like...

ethically we should tell Jason
that he used to be married

to Janet, and it sure would be terrible

if that ultimately led
to Derek's death, wink.

No, the winking is bad.

You should not be winking
or saying the word "wink."

Okay. We really need to kill...

We really need to kill any suspicion

that I want to murder Derek. Boom!

- Wink.
- No.

Tahani, you're so smart.

Every day you teach me
something new about...

art... and history...

and why you shouldn't eat
everything that smells good

because sometimes, it's candles.

You're basically, like,
a hot genius teacher

who sometime has sex
with me, your student.

That used to happen a lot
at Lynyrd Skynyrd High School,

but this time you won't be arrested.

Oh, I love you, Tahani.

[imitates gun shots]

Pew! Pew!

Jason...

I'd never guess we would be
where we are today,

me, a prominent British philanthropist

with award-winning legs
set to marry you,

a swamp dweller who once asked me

if the Presidents on
Mount Rushmore have butts

on the other side.

We don't make any sense together,

and yet, when I'm with you,
I can really let my hair down,

metaphorically speaking of course,

because I'd never have it
up in the first place.

[chuckles] I'm not a factory worker.

But you've helped me to see
that there is more to life

than just appearances,

and I can't believe I'm about
to say this but...

- I think I love...
- Wait!

Stop the ceremony!

- This wedding cannot happen.
- This is not helpful,

but I have always wanted to be
a part of a wedding

that was stopped dramatically.

We can't get married? Why not?

Because...

Because...

Hang on a second. I can't do it.

Professor Buzzkill got in my head.

I'm just thinking about
all the rules I have to follow

to stay ethical.

Someone else is going
to have to do this.

- I can't, no...
- All right, all right.

I hate the be the bearer of bad news...

Uh, I think you mean "Bad News Bear."

Before all the reboots,
Jason was married to Janet.

Okay? That's why Janet's been glitching

because she's sad
'cause she misses Jason,

In fact, she was so sad she...

Well... Derek.

Well, well, well.

Jason Mendoza.

At last we meet.

You've got a lot of nerve buddy.

No, no. I'm Eleanor, man.

Everybody, this is Derek.

Janet made Derek as a boyfriend

to try and rebound from Jason.

Oh, I feel quite light-headed.

Janet, fetch my tizzy couch please.

Decision time.

Any second now someone
is going to realize

we're all missing.

Why don't you just reboot all of us?

Tahani and Jason will forget
they were ever in love.

It was a flukey thing.

It probably won't happen again,

and Chidi and I can forget...

anything we want to forget.

You know, just like, uh...

personal bloopers that were
embarrassing or...

uh, days we were very gassy, et cetera.

And then, we'll meet back
in your office.

You bring us up to speed,
and we go from there.

No, no, no, we are not starting over.

We've come too far.

Our only options are to reboot
either Janet or Derek.

Neither one is permissible
as your primary intention.

I mean, the Doctrine of Double
Effect, remember?

Well, man, I'm working

with a doctrine of not being
completely effed, okay?

I don't understand what you
even like about Jason.

What does he have that I don't have?

A soul...

and genitals.

[groans] Here we go

with this whole "no genitals"
thing again.

You're the one that gave me wind chimes

instead of a penis, Janet.

This isn't about your wind-chime penis.

In fact, it's not about you at all.

I don't even know what it is
about which is very confusing

because the whole point of me
is that I know everything!

Janet, can I speak to you
alone for a second?

Okay, look, when you said
you were sad about Jason

and I suggested,
"hey, find a rebound guy,"

it's 'cause I thought it was
some sort of schoolgirl crush,

like, just some guy you made
out with a couple of times

in the walk-in freezer
of a Bruegger's Bagels.

- Not based on a real example.
- Yes, it is.

His name was Marcus Bitsburger.

Marcus? I always called him Ben.

Look, I gave you bad advice, okay?

Jason was clearly important to you,

and real heartbreak doesn't
have a simple cure.

I mean, you will feel better
after some time goes by.

I don't really experience
the passage of time.

I do use it as lotion occasionally.

I mean, weird,

but keep doing it because
your skin looks amazing.

Thank you. Not skin.

The point is,

to get through a real heartbreak,

you kind of just have to sit
with your feelings

and mull it over and power through.

And you have to talk about it.

[groans]

Talking about
your feelings is the worst.

It's so much easier just to
find a rebound guy

and have sex about your feelings.

I don't know if I want
to talk to Jason right now.

That's cool. Until then...

If you ever need a friend to talk to...

Just know I'm here.

Derek.

There's no easy way to say this.

- I never should have made you.
- [chuckles]

I think it's time for you to go away.

I understand because you understand.

Janet, this relationship has
been the best seven hours

of my whole life.

It's been the only seven hours
of my whole life.

I made you this morning.
We all remember.

- Okay, you ready to do this?
- Yep.

Janet.

- What are you doing?
- I imbued Derek

with some of my thoughts and emotions.

This is the only way I can
reabsorb them.

It will just be a minute.

Dang it.

That is some hot reabsorbing.

Can you get pregnant from reabsorbing?

[wind chimes ringing]

Uh-oh, I hear wind chimes.

Look away. Everybody look away.

I'm going to keep watching,
but you guys look away.

- [chuckles]
- Goodbye, Derek.

Goodbye, mommy-girlfriend.

Bye, everybody. Derek's going away now.

Does he seem a little bit uh...

still alive?

Well, he's about as dead as he can be.

Kind of like he's in power-saver mode.

Derek.

Are you worried you might
start glitching again?

No, I think I'll be okay

now that I understand
what I'm going through,

and now that I know I can talk
to my friends about it.

Okay, I'm going to toss
this steamer trunk

containing the lifeless husk
of my ex-boyfriend

into a remote corner
of my limitless void.

- Bye, guys.
- Derek!

[sighs]

I'm kind of glad
we didn't get married today.

Me too.

Perhaps we were rushing things a bit.

I mean, we don't even know
that much about each other.

Like, who was the first person
you kissed?

The sexy mouse robot
in the Chuck E. Cheese band.

Okay, okay.
I think that's probably enough

getting to know each other for now.

We'll just take things slow.

I know I'm technically married to Janet,

but I don't remember it at all.

I'm sorry that it puts you
in a weird position,

and I still like you a lot.

Me too.

What happens now?

Don't know.

Do you want to try...

reabsorbing me?

[laughs]

- Is something wrong?
- No. Yep.

I've been keeping a secret from you.

- About you.
- What is it?

The thing is, it's not even harming you,

and if I tell you, I feel like
it might harm you.

So, uh, ethically speaking,

I don't think I have to tell you.

Yeah, well, forget all that.

This is freaking me out.
I'm losing my mind.

So just tell me.

And you don't need to respond because...

I know you have trouble
saying how you feel...

I love you too.

I've never been
that certain about anything.

I once even tried to... rent socks.

How did I... say that...

that easily.

I mean, I get how you said it.

I'm a total smokeshow.

But how did I say it so easily?

Look, I don't want to talk about this,

but after everything
that's happened today,

I think we gotta.

So, let's just get it all out there.

Um...

Well, yeah, I guess, do you...

I don't know... do you have any feelings

like that for me again, now?

I'm sorry, but I don't think I do?

Sorry? Why are you sorry?

'Cause I'm relieved,
because I don't either.

So, all good.

I mean, I feel
incredibly close to you...

No, no, no, no... dude, dude...

you don't need to explain yourself.

We are on the same page, okay? Good.

Hey guys, sorry.

I know it's late.

Can I talk to Eleanor for a second?

Actually, we're chatting
about something right now.

No, it's cool. We were wrapping it up.

Good talk, bro.

- What's on your mind?
- Um, well...

being ethical... it's hard,

and I kind of hate it.

When's it get easier?

Why don't you ask Chidi?

He's the ethics master.
I'm just a newbie,

and I still kind of suck at it.

Yeah, that's why I'm asking you.

I designed this entire torture chamber

around the absolutely certainty that

when the going got tough,
you would give up.

That was the signature Shellstrop move.

Do you remember once when
your change oil light came on?

You just abandoned your car
in a parking garage.

Of course.

But here, faced with
the toughest challenges

I could throw at you,

you never once stopped trying
to become a better person.

And I just...

Why?

I don't know.

I mean, whenever I would do
something crappy on Earth,

there would be a little tiny
voice in the back of my head

that would say, "Eleanor,

"don't grab that handful
of olives from the salad bar.

You know, you didn't pay for that,"

or "Eleanor, don't spit those
olive pits onto the floor

of the grocery store. That's not cool."

Or "Eleanor, that old man just
slipped on your olive pit,

"and he fell down.

"Don't use the fact
that everyone's distracted

to go back and steal more olives."

- I get it.
- This ethics stuff, it's hard,

and it's confusing.

It is such a buzzkill.

But, it does get rid
of the little voice.

Because at least I'm trying
to do the right thing

instead of the crappy thing,
and I've got to say, man,

I don't miss the little voice.

Well...

Thank you for helping me today.

Wow. You really did just
come here to chat, didn't you?

Just shootin' the shirt
with your old pal Eleanor.

I guess so, yeah, why?

It's just a very human-y thing to do.

Stick with the program, demon buddy.

I really feel like things
are starting to click

in our little study group.

Hmm.

Hello, Michael.

Shut the door.

Have a seat.

[dramatic music swells]