The Good Place (2016–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Everything is Great! - full transcript

_

In the afterlife, there's a good place

and there's a bad place.

You're in the Good Place.

- [sighs in relief]
- Eleanor, you are my soul mate.

Chidi, you'll stand by my side

- no matter what, right?
- Of course I will.

I'm not supposed to be here.

- Wait, what?
- Eleanor, Chidi,

I would like you to meet
Tahani and Jianyu.

- Boop!
- Oh!



- You booped me.
- I did.

His real name is Jason.
He's a drug-dealing DJ

- from Florida.
- What's up, homey?

The problem
in the neighborhood... is me.

- [all gasping]
- You have all done bad things

since you arrived here.

The Bad Place is owed two people.

You can decide.

Holy motherforking shirtballs.

- This is the Bad Place.
- [cackling]

Except for you four,

everyone in this neighborhood

- is one of us.
- You saw us all on Earth...

a selfish ass, an idiot DJ,



a tortured academic, a hot, rich fraud.

You thought we would torture each other.

The only thing you succeeded in doing

was bringing us all together.

That's it! My big mistake

was having you be soul mates
living next to each other.

Next time, I'll spread you out

so it's more of a slow burn.

I'm gonna erase your memories,

make a few changes,
and start over again.

Just gotta get the boss-man to sign off.

If this thing goes sideways again,

you are done.

Do your worst. We figured it out once,

we can do it again.

Janet? Open up.

Because you know what, Michael?

You basic...

You, Eleanor Shellstrop, are dead.

- Cool.
- I'm your soul mate.

You'll stand by me
no matter what, right?

Hold that thought.

Is it okay if I go work out?

I gotta stay jacked. It's... who I am.

- See you soon.
- Hi there.

- [yelps]
- I'm Janet.

I think this is yours.
After I was rebooted,

I found it in my mouth.

What the fork is a "Chidi"?

Why can't I say fork?

[suspenseful music]

♪

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

Okay, here we go.

Confidence, Mikey.

Project confidence.

There he is! How's it going, boss-man?

Enough chit-chat. Is everything in place

- for version two?
- Yup!

We're keeping everything
from version one

that made them miserable,
adding a bunch of new stuff

that they'll hate. For example,

all the coffee is
from those little pods.

[laughs]

Diabolical.

Plus, they will all have
new soul mates, of course.

You gotta trust me on this, boss.

I've thought of everything.

- I won't let you down.
- I think you will.

I think this entire project

of yours is stupid and doomed to fail.

I think you're going to be retired,

eliminated from existence

and burned on the surface
of a billion suns.

And I have no doubt that you

and your cockamamy experiment

will go down in history

as colossal failures.

- You know, I think if...
- Toodle-oo.

Okay, take two, folks.

Any last questions
before we start up again?

- Yes.
- Just so I'm clear:

we're not pairing them up this time?

Correct. Obviously, the eventual goal

is to get them to torture each other,

but first we're going to create

some nice, individual torment.

In version one...
making them soul mates,

we probably bit off
more than we could chew.

We could bite them?

I didn't know we were
allowed to bite them.

That's an expression, Chuck.

All right, go ahead, Vicky.

Yeah, I have some questions

about my new character.

I feel like I got Real Eleanor...

like, I got her, you know?

But this new character,
"Denise"... I mean,

who is she? I don't get her.

Is she a quirky best friend type,

or more of a femme fatale,

"sexuality is her weapon
of choice" type?

- Both... both those things.
- I have some questions

about my character too. Like...

- can he bite them?
- No.

Okay, reminder: the most
important thing tonight...

and this is crucial...
you need to get Eleanor drunk

at the welcome party,
so she will say and do

a bunch of bad stuff.
And then we take that stuff

and use it to build our chaos sequence

in the morning. For example,

you remember last time,

she stole all the cocktail shrimp,

and we made giant nightmare
shrimp fly through the sky?

See, it's those details

that make her realize she's in danger

of being found out.

I know that this kind of
large-scale deception

is not what you were trained to do.

There are gonna be days
when you're just sick

of being around these disgusting humans,

with their weird, gross little mouths,

and their stupid elbows.

You're gonna be tempted to say,

"Screw it. Can't we just go back to HQ

"and do this the old-fashioned way?

"Pull out some fingernails,
toss someone in an acid pit,

fire up the old penis flattener?"

And sure, sure, that sounds nice.

But it also sounds easy.

We're all here because we believe

that there's a better way
to make humans miserable.

And I... I believe in you.

So, "torture" on three.

Ready? One, two, three...

all: Torture!

- And biting!
- Nope! No.

[pleasant music]

♪

Hey, lady?

Can you come back?

J...oey?

Janine?

J... Jaja?

[scoffs] Why don't I ever
listen to people

when they talk about themselves?

No, it's annoying, and I'm right not to.

Okay, Chidi, where are you?

Or what are you?

A type of soup, maybe?

♪

Hi there. I'm Eleanor.

Nice to meet you, Eleanor. I'm Nina.

This is my soul mate, Bart.

Love it. Love people's names

and love learning all about them.

- Where are you all from?
- Well, oddly enough,

- I was born in Mozambique...
- Cool. Listen,

do you guys know if there's,
like, a neighborhood phone book

with everybody's name listed in it?

Oh, I don't think so, 'cause,

I mean, there's no phones here. [laughs]

There are no phones here?

Of course. Duh!

[laughs] There's no use for 'em.

I always prefer talking
to people anyway.

People... are like nature's apps.

Huh. Anyway, we're on our way

to get some pizza.
Would you like to join us?

Maybe we could get to know
each other a little bit,

- chat.
- Uh, I'm good.

I'm gonna explore a little bit.

But it was so nice to meet you Nina,

and B...

bye-bye.

[uncomfortable string music]

Oh, sorry, I didn't see you.

Chidi? Are you Chidi?

[otherworldly ringing music]

Eleanor? What are you up to?

Oh, hey there, Michael.

Just getting to know
everyone in the neighborhood.

- Oh!
- Who was

that mysterious gentleman
wearing the nightgown?

Oh, that's Jianyu, a Taiwanese monk

who never speaks.

Might be a little hard
to get to know him. [laughs]

Eleanor... you and I both know

that you're not like everyone else

in this neighborhood.

Everyone here led a remarkable life.

But you... the work you did
as an environmental activist

was just extraordinary!

Ah... [chuckles] Well,

it's the environment. I mean,

I loved, um...

mushrooms.

- I can honestly say that.
- Well, it paid off,

because you were
the number one point-getter

in this entire neighborhood.

And as such,
I was just hoping that you could

say a few words
at tonight's welcome party.

You know, just to introduce yourself.

How can I say no? [laughs]

Can I say no? It doesn't feel like

I can say no. But if I can:

- Michael, I'm saying no.
- Okay,

so, you'll speak for...
maybe an hour or so?

Hey, you know what? I...

got you a little something to wear here.

Now, all the top point-getters
wear these

- on the first night.
- [gasps quietly]

[whispering] Oh, you gotta
be forking kidding me.

So, long story short,
my heart is in the Pope,

my liver's in the Dalai Lama,
and my teeth were strung

into a necklace for a child king
in French Polynesia.

But it got me into the Good Place,

- so... can't complain.
- Wow.

Can I... tell you something,

- just soul-mate to soul-mate?
- Hold that thought.

- I'm gonna head to the gym.
- [laughs]

Oh, you're serious. Again? Right now?

Yeah. I'll catch you later!

Hey there, best person!

You must be Eleanor.
I'm Jessica, the host.

- Hi.
- Michael told us all about

your speech. I can't wait to hear

- what you have to say.
- Me neither, Jessica.

Me. Neither.

Aw, don't be nervous. Here.

- Liquid courage.
- Actually, um... you know what?

I think I need to keep a clear head.

Can you imagine getting drunk
before giving a big speech?

Getting kicked out
of your niece's christening,

and then, only later,
once you've sobered up,

realize you don't even have a niece.

It's like, who was that kid?

[chuckles nervously]

So, Eleanor,

you were an environmental lawyer.

- That's fascinating.
- Yeah.

I know. Just don't ask me

any questions about it. I am so sick

of describing exactly what it means.

Hey, I'm headed to the bar.

Can I grab you something?
How about a margarita?

- No, I'm good.
- [stammers]

Actually, I'm the best...

according to the sash.

She's still not drinking?

Nope. Something's off.

Should we...

- [makes chomping sounds]
- No.

Keep it together.

[sighs] Ah, screw it.

Couple of quick shots... [gasps softly]

And then I'm coming for you, shrimpies.

Please don't make this harder
than it already is, Chidi.

[bright string music]

♪

These are for you.

Drink up.

Hi. Is your name Chidi?

- Yes?
- Ah! I knew you weren't a soup.

- What?
- Listen to me very carefully.

My name is Eleanor Shellstrop.

We need to talk.

[rushing sound]

[door clicks open]

Chidi? Come on in.

So there really is an afterlife.

I can't wait to have breakfast
with Kant,

and lunch with Michele Foucault,

and then have dinner with Kant again,

so we can talk about
what came up at breakfast.

I'm sorry, Chidi... all the great
philosophers in history... [inhales]

ended up in the Bad Place.

All of my heroes are...

Being tortured. Yes, I'm afraid so.

Actually, it is kind of clever
how they punish philosophers.

Every day, they make them
go to school...

naked, and then they take a test

in a class they've never been to.

[chuckles] And then
they smash them with hammers.

And that part is not so clever.

But the point is:

Chidi, you were way better
than all of them.

You're safe.

[pleasant music]

No way. Soul mates are real?

They sure are. Although,

your soul-mate situation
is a little unusual.

Oh, no. I don't have one, do I?

That's fine.
I mean, who needs a soul mate,

anyway? My soul mate will be...

- books!
- No, no,

it's not that you
don't have a soul mate,

it's that you have multiple soul mates.

Here. Now,

normally, our omniscient system

perfectly analyzes
each person's profile,

and then matches him or her
with another person.

But in your case, the system matched you

with two other people.

It's a rare occurrence, like...

like a double rainbow,

or someone on the Internet saying,

"You know what?

You've convinced me I was wrong."

So, how do you choose
who I should be with?

Oh, I don't choose. You do, Chidi.

I... [stammers] What?

This is Angélique, Pedro, and Pevita.

According to the system,
either Pedro or Chidi

could be matched perfectly
with either Angélique or Pevita.

So, figure it out. Should be fun.

Cool... beans. One second, guys.

- Um, so, so, so...
- Yeah?

Yeah, so... making decisions
isn't necessarily

- my strong suit.
- I know that, buddy.

You... you once had a panic attack
at a make-your-own-sundae bar.

There were too many toppings.

And very early in the process

you had to commit to a chocolate palate

or a fruit palate,
and if you couldn't decide,

you wound up with
kiwi-Junior-Mint-raisin,

and it just ruins everyone's night.

Chidi, I am so sorry.

I literally cannot choose for you.

This has to be your decision.

Buddy, you gotta trust me.

I would never place you...
in a painful situation.

A- Right. Um...

You ready, Chidi?

Here you go, Chidi.

One slice of Hawaiian,

straight out the oven for you.

I'm Denise. Welcome to my pizza place.

- Thanks, Denise.
- And here's one for you.

[dismissively] Have a nice day.

It's interesting that

Hawaiian pizza is so popular here.

Yeah, I guess a lot
of the residents here love it.

Kind of makes you wonder

what type of pizza they have
in the Bad Place, huh?

[both laughing]

So, I can't believe
you studied in Brisbane.

We must have just missed each other.

- What was your thesis on?
- Oh, gosh.

It was so boring. It was called,

"Cultural Relativism
and Moral Absolutism:

"An Exploration of Values
As Seen Through

"The Works of Alain LeRoy...

both: Locke and Immanuel Kant"!

Shut up. You read it?

No, but that pairing
is the most obvious pairing

to employ in a paper with that title,

- and I wanna read it so bad!
- [laughing]

What about Morocco?

You ever travel there?

[sucks teeth]

No.

What about anywhere else?
You been anywhere else?

No.

So, first impressions? Anyone?

I kind of want to hear
what Chidi thinks.

Well. Um...

I mean, you're both brilliant,

accomplished women...
and Pedro, you're great too.

Just amazing people.

I'm surrounded. Ahh! [laughs]

But, if I had to say...

who I sort of immediately bonded to,

on a gut level, I think I would say

that I kind of feel
like my soul mate is...

- Angél...
- Wait, wait!

[panting] There was a mistake
in the calculations.

We had a four-hour time gap

in your profiles on May 10, 2003.

I corrected that day's events
for all of you,

and ran the numbers again, and...

the final result proves definitively

that Pedro is Angélique's soul mate,

and Chidi, your soul mate is Pevita.

That was close. [laughs]

[groans quietly]

Hey, you guys hadn't made
a decision yet, had you?

No! We did not.

No one said anything.
I didn't hear anything,

and I certainly didn't say anything.

That's for darn sure. [chuckles]

- [laughs]
- [laughs]

[both laughing]

[scattered, fading chuckles]

Okay.

All right. See you later.

[classical music playing]

This is fun.

It's a fun party.
There's no question about it,

this is a fun situation.

Hey, you guys are here.
The fun continues...

nay, increases! [laughs]

You two look nice.

Thanks! And you look...

[drawing out word] fine.

Would I say you look better
than anyone else here?

No, I wouldn't say that.
Do you look bad?

No. But good?

Would I go as far

as to say that you look good?

Doubtful. Hey, wine.

Mmm. Do I feel like red or white?

Oh, deep down in your heart of hearts,

you probably already know
which one you want.

Why isn't anyone talking?

Janet, could you show me
to the bar, please?

Mm-hmm!

Oh, hey! Chidi, right?

Denise. We met earlier, remember?

Oh, yeah, hi. Are you limping?

Yeah, I am. Crazy story.

See, I was a trapeze artist
in an illegal circus

- in Bangladesh...
- Angélique.

Hey. How are you doing?

Oh, well, uh... [laughs]

You know. My stomach's in knots

and I'm stress-grinding my teeth,

and it feels like my soul
is being suffocated.

You know, just
your standard paradise stuff.

How about you?

It's been a little uncomfortable.

I think Pedro maybe heard you say...

- that thing you were gonna say.
- Oh, no.

I'm so sorry. I...

But I have to ask.
Do you feel the way I feel?

- We can't talk about this.
- Well, I know,

but if the numbers were that close,

Angélique, I think I'm supposed to...

Stop! Please don't make this harder

than it already is, Chidi.

[bright string music]

These are for you.

Hi. Is your name Chidi?

- Yes?
- Ah!

I knew you weren't a soup.

- What?
- Listen to me very carefully.

My name is Eleanor Shellstrop.

- We need to talk.
- About what?

Just shut your mouth,
smile at me, and walk over here.

Okay, you're definitely
my least favorite person...

[in pain] I've met so far.

Okay, I'm sorry,
this is really not a good time.

I'm right in the middle of something.

Dude, I'm guessing we have

about 30 seconds to talk

before someone notices.

When I got here,
some robot lady appeared

out of thin air and gave me this.

- You mean Janet.
- Oh, that's it! Janet.

- Hi there.
- Not now, Janet.

- Buzz off.
- Okay.

- [short beep]
- Now,

I have no memory of writing this,

but it is my handwriting.

And that's your name, right?

So, for some reason, at some point,

I put this note into...

that whatever-lady's robot mouth.

- You already forgot her name?
- No, I didn't.

Her name is...

- Janet.
- Hi there.

- [gasps] Fork off!
- Okay.

- [short beep]
- From the second I got here,

these nerds have been acting real weird,

trying to get me drunk.

My soul mate ditches me every time I try

to talk to him, and this Zen-master guy

gave me this magic bracelet thing,

and then he just ran away.

Something very strange is going on here,

and the only person I trust is me,

and me told me to find you.
So... what's the deal?

What's happening? What do you got?

Uh...

I can't... [stammers, laughs]

Look, I'm... I'm sorry, but none of this

means anything to me,

and I've got my own problems
to deal with.

I'm sorry, I can't help you.

Attention, everyone!

[glass ringing]

Speech time!

I know you're probably not
a magic wizard

trapped in an amulet, but if you are,

please get me out of this speech.

[rushing sound]

[door clicks open]

Tahani. Come on in.

You're in the good place, Tahani.

Ooh, what a surprise! [laughs]

But yes, I accept.

This is your soul mate, Tomás.

Now, Tomás was a doctor

with the International Rescue Alliance,

and you raised money
that ultimately funded

his medical missions.
It's just so perfect!

- Aww.
- It's lovely to meet you,

- Tahani.
- Charmed, I'm...

short.

I'm sorry, did I just say "short"?

I-I meant to say "charmed, I'm sure,"

of course, because I am charmed
to meet you,

it's just an unfortunate
Freudian short. [giggles]

Shall we?

So, where did you attend medical short?

So, this is the living room...

as well as the kitchen and the bedroom.

It's so... cozy. [laughs]

I feel like the walls
are just hugging me.

- [laughs]
- Michael, I don't mean

to be rude, but this is simply absurd.

Yes, thank you.

I didn't want to say anything, but...

There's only two of us,

and we don't need all this space.

- "All this space"?
- Oh, of course.

You two humanitarians don't want
anything so extravagant.

I'll just get rid of the second floor.

[magical ringing]

Okay, I'll let you two
have some alone time.

I will see you at the party.

Well... certainly is quite quaint.

So, it's just...

fun. I daresay even quite charm...

ah, no.

- What's the matter?
- Sorry,

it's just a... self-portrait

of my... my sister. Wonderful.

Your sister is Kamilah Al-Jamil?

I used to play her music
for my patients.

At times, it felt like Kamilah's songs

were curing the malaria for us.

[chuckling] Great.

Well, I best be getting changed
for tonight.

- Mm.
- Can hardly wear a day dress

- to an evening event.
- Sounds good.

I'm ready whenever you are.

- Is that... what you're wearing?
- Oh, yeah.

My years treating remote villagers

taught me to favor comfort over style.

But you should wear whatever you prefer.

Well, I mean...

as we are soul mates, perhaps...

I-I should also... dress down.

[classical music playing]

♪

You all right, my dear?

[chuckling] Yes, just not used to

dressing like a plumber-ess.

Is that what you call a female plumber,

or is it a toilet sweep?

Or clog wench?

[laughing sadly] In any case,
that's how I'm dressed.

My darling, you are in the Good Place.

Relax. Feel the breeze on your feet.

That's why Crocs have holes in them.

I'll get us a drink.

Lower that beautiful face
for me, won't you?

- Lower-lower-lower-lower-lower.
- Okay.

Muah!

Tahani? You all right?

Michael, hello!

Yes, I'm having a splendid time.

Although, if I'm being honest,

a few aspects of my day
have been... sub-optimal.

Really? Like what?

[sighing] Well, my house is a bit small,

which is fine, it's just not
what I'm used to,

and Tomás is lovely,
but we haven't really...

"clicked" yet,

to use a mundane colloquialism...

which I suppose I should do,
now that I'm wearing...

[voice breaking] Cargo pants.

Tahani, it's very common
to experience adjustment pains.

But the system matched you and Tomás,

and the system is never wrong.

But guess what? This is the Good Place.

If you want your house
to be larger, then just ask.

Do you want something this big?

Or maybe bigger, like the Taj Mahal.

I know, I know. How about a moon?

Would you like to live
on your own private moon?

No, no, no. My house is wonderful.

And really, it's so silly
to want a bigger house

of all things, here in paradise.

So no, no changes needed.

Okay, all right.
But if you change your mind,

just ask.
Because all the other residents

are very happy,
so it'll give me plenty of time

to deal with whatever requests you make.

No demand is too...

what's the word? Oh, "frivolous."

Okay?

Wow. That is rough.

Please don't make this harder
than it already is, Chidi.

[bright string music]

These are for you. Drink up.

Oh... no, no, I...

[laughing] Hey!

Twinsies!

- I'm sorry?
- Look!

Cargo-pants buddies!

[chortles]
I bet we have a lot in common.

I was a garbage man in Winnipeg.
How about you?

Okay... [mouths word]

Crocs also?!

- [glass ringing]
- Speech time!

I know you're probably not
a magic wizard

trapped in an amulet, but if you are,

please get me out of this speech.

I've asked our top point-getter, here,

to say a few words.

So, take it away, Eleanor!

[applause]

The dictionary defines "best"

- as being...
- [slurring] Oh, God, boring!

I'd like to say a few words
if nobody minds.

[whispering] Thank you, wizard.

I am Tahani. Tahani am me.

And even though I wasn't
the "number one point-getter,"

I just wanted to welcome you all
to the neighborhood.

You all look so beautiful tonight,

with your regular-sized pockets and...

regular-sized soul mates.

Oh, no offense, darling,
wherever you are.

Probably somewhere down there.

Why don't you try
to ease her off the stage

- and take over yourself?
- The point is,

we're all good people, right?

We all did the right thing
whenever we could.

And that's why it's so nice
to be here among you,

in this massive house that I want.

I want this house. Give it. [laughs]

No, I'm just kidding.

But really, give me the house.

Hey there, hot stuff.

Can I get you a cup of coffee?

Get your hands off me!

Oh, you think you're better than I am,

don't you, just 'cause
you're wearing that.

Look at that terrible placement
and angle.

Is this your first time
ever wearing a sash?

Yeah, it is,
but I think if we all just...

Well... give it to me then! [shouts]

[guests gasping]

I got her off the stage.

[rushing sound]

[door clicks open]

Jianyu? Come on in.

[pleasant music]

Before we start,
I know you were a Buddhist monk

who kept a vow of silence.

Would you prefer

to remain silent here as well?

Every resident here in the Good Place

has a soul mate.

Now, some of the pairings are platonic,

some are romantic, but what you have

with your soul mate is unique.

You have a spiritual connection

that transcends the physical realm.

This person's gonna be your best bud.

[chuckles]

Jianyu, let me introduce you
to your soul mate, Luang.

He is also a Buddhist monk,

from the Lumbini zone of Nepal.

You and Luang share an identical soul...

like binary stars, orbiting one another

in a perfect, reflective harmony.

You won't ever have
a single moment of loneliness,

because you'll always be
right next to each other...

for eternity.

Okay, I'm gonna let
you two get acquainted.

I'm sure you have a lot
to not talk about.

[laughs] Because...

well, you get it, you get it.

[ambling music]

♪

[sighs]

♪

[ominous music]

♪

Oh... sorry, I didn't see you.

Chidi? Are you Chidi?

[otherworldly ringing music]

- Eleanor? What are you up to?
- Oh, hey there, Michael.

Just getting to know everyone
in the neighborhood.

- Ah.
- Who was that mysterious...

[pleasant music]

♪

Hello, you beautiful spirits.

Can I offer you two something to drink?

- Janet!
- Hi there.

This is Janet. Now, she can get you

literally anything you want.
All you have to do is ask.

Of course, you two won't
ever want anything,

because you're perfectly content.

Oh, I know. How about something special?

Janet, two yak's milks, please.

Enjoy.

[short beeping]

[short beep]

♪

- [glass ringing]
- Speech time!

- If we all just...
- Well... give it to me!

[shouts]

[guests gasping]

I got her off the stage.

Tahani?

- Are you all right?
- Yes, fine.

Never better. Top of my game, actually.

You'll have to excuse me,
'cause I've got to go, so...

Oh, look! I've got some shrimp.

In one of my many, many
cargo-pants pockets.

[sobs]

What the fork is happening?

[rushing sound]

Okay, here we go.

- How's it going, boss-man?
- Enough chit-chat.

Is everything in place for version two?

Yup, I've thought of everything.

I won't let you down.

I was just hoping that
you could say a few words

at tonight's welcome party.

You know, just to introduce yourself.

How can I say no? [laughs]

So... cozy.

I feel like the walls are
just hugging me.

[laughs]

How about something special? Janet.

Two yak's milks, please.

Why isn't anyone talking?

Janet, could you show me
to the bar, please?

Mm-hmm.

Michael, may I please
speak with you privately?

Sure, sure.

It just feels like
I used to be Real Eleanor,

- and now I'm Denise.
- Denise is a good part,

with a... a great backstory.

You run the best pizza place
in the neighborhood.

You have a cat, and that's cool.

I took this job because it seemed fun

and different,
and in the original version,

I got to break Chidi's heart,
like, 20 times,

and it was great.
I mean, he was miserable.

And now, Angélique gets to torture him?

Angélique is a hack.

I can act circles around her!

But I have nothing to do!

I am a Ferrari, okay?

And you don't keep a Ferrari
in the garage.

I hear your concern.

I do. And I promise you,

there is a great arc coming
for Denise the pizza lady

- in about 80 years or so.
- [sighs]

Chidi is going to
accidentally kill your cat.

It's gonna give you
a great chance to shine.

Can I just have something
that makes me stand out?

A mysterious past, or... a limp!

- I want a limp.
- This is supposed to

be the Good Place. Why would...

Okay, I... no, I hear you.

I'll tell you what.

Go nuts, all right? Limp your heart out.

Oh, hey! Chidi, right?

Hi. Are you limping?

- How's it going?
- [sighs]

We're having some trouble with Eleanor.

She's not engaging in conversation,

- she's not drinking.
- Eleanor's not drinking?

She brought a flask in the car
during her driver's test!

Okay, we need to
keep things moving here.

I'm about to make her talk for an hour.

She'll definitely end up
insulting somebody.

[glass ringing]

Speech time!

We're all good people, right?

We all did the right thing
whenever we could.

- If we all just...
- Well... give it to me!

[shouts]

[guests gasping]

Tahani? Are you all right?

Yes, fine. Never better.

You'll have to excuse me,
'cause I've got to go.

[mumbling discreetly]

- What the fork, man?
- I know that book.

Is that some kind of nerd pick-up line?

Because it's only kind of working.

No... the note you showed me before.

All right, this is from a book called

"What We Owe to Each Other."
I used to teach it.

I was a professor of ethics
and moral philosophy.

- All right, brag much?
- No, I'm trying to help you.

- Sorry. Okay.
- I have never seen you before

in my life, but I think...

somehow, that we know each other.

[soft music]

That definitely sounded
like a pick-up line.

- [sighs]
- And I'm not not interested,

but we need to figure this out first.

- [groans softly]
- It's not that bad, right?

I mean, we got a drunken speech.

That's good.

No. It isn't.

Tahani gave the drunken speech
instead of Eleanor.

We can't build a chaos sequence
out of Tahani's speech,

because she thinks she belongs here...

ding-dong.

Okay, we can still salvage this.

- Where's Eleanor?
- She's gone.

- I can't find her anywhere.
- Maybe she left with Chidi?

- He's gone too.
- What?

Or maybe she left with Jason.

You lost Jason?
How is that even possible?

You're only job is
to stand next to that idiot.

I got distracted by the fire!

I love fire.

You know, my main job
is to burn people with fire.

- What's up, guys?
- What are you doing here?

- Why aren't you with Eleanor?
- Oh, I told her

I was going to the gym again.

Why would you say that
in the middle of a party?

- You told me too.
- No, I didn't.

You said that if
Eleanor tries to confess

that she doesn't belong here,

find a reason to avoid her,

like saying, "I'm going to the gym,"

so that's what I've been saying.

That was a suggestion

of the type of thing you could say!

Don't...

How many times have you
specifically told her

you were going to the gym?

Five.

- No, nine.
- You dimwit!

Hey, man! I was perfectly happy

in my old job
in the twisting department.

People came in, and I twist them

until they snapped in half,
and I move on to the next one.

But this job... is weird!

It's all talk, no twisting.

So if you don't like the way I do it,

get somebody else. I'm going to the gym!

Fine. Yeah, you do that.

You go to the gym.

Okay, we can still pull this off,

we just need to find the four humans.

Okay? Okay.

[chuckles] Right now.

Everyone in this room,
find those four humans!

Are you gonna talk, or just walk around

like a nerd trying to get
a personal best on his Fitbit?

I'm sorry, I'm trying to process

a tremendous amount
of insane information.

I mean, you're not supposed to be here,

but you and I clearly met here, somehow,

before now. I mean...

does that mean that
I'm not supposed to be here?

I don't know, dude.

Were you a good person on earth?

I... I think so.
I spent my life in pursuit

of fundamental truths about the uni...

[gasps] Oh, no!

I used almond milk in my coffee,
even though I knew about

the negative environmental impact.

- What?
- Eleanor, what do we do?

I don't know, dude!

But we better figure it out soon,

or we're doomed.

[sneaky music]

♪

- Uh, Janet?
- [short beep]

- Hi there, Jianyu.
- Hi, Janet!

Um, can I tell you something?

- Sure.
- I'm not Jianyu.

And I'm not a silent monk.

My real name is Jason.
And I don't know what's going on.

I got here and Michael said I'm a monk,

and he told me I was gonna have
a new best friend,

and that we were gonna live in a yogurt.

- A yurt.
- Oh, yeah, "yurt" for short.

I was psyched to meet
my new best friend,

but he turned out to be
this weird silent guy

that won't leave me alone.

I don't wanna go back to my yogurt.

- Can I go to your house?
- I don't have a house, Jason.

I live in a boundless void.

- Can I go there?
- No.

It's a boundless void.

- Okay.
- So, what you're saying is,

there are certain aspects
of your existence

here in the Good Place
that are confusing for you,

and you're searching for someplace to go

where you feel less lonely.

I know somewhere you could go.

- Why did you do that?
- Because you were nice to me.

- You're my friend.
- Okay!

Okay!

Okay, so, if we got all the way

to Scanlon, we must have
been studying very intensely

for a very long time.
Or, you grabbed a random book

of mine and just tore a page out.

I'm gonna be honest,
that sounds more like me.

[knocking at door]

Ah! Eleanor and Chidi.

What a pleasant surprise.

I'm so happy you two have met.

I'm just going door-to-door, apologizing

for the commotion earlier tonight.

- Ah.
- The first night

in the afterlife can be
a little overwhelming.

Don't worry about us, Michael.
We are doing just fine.

Oh, good, good. Glad to hear that.

Well, it's getting late.

Chidi, allow me to escort you
back to your house.

- Um...
- Uh, hello, all.

Sorry for the late hour, Eleanor.

I wanted to stop by

and give you back your sash.

That's okay. You can just keep it.

No! I don't deserve it.

I made a complete fool
of myself tonight.

I interrupted your big speech,
badly stained my cargo pants,

which, I have to admit,
are quite comfortable.

Oh, God, what's happened to me?

I'm praising off-the-rack separates!

Tahani, please. It's late.

- I think what we should do...
- No.

Look, ever since I got here

it feels like something's been off.

Tahani. There you are.

I've been worried sick about you.

That's her soul mate?

Is there a second one of him
that stands on his shoulders?

Chidi! There you are.

I've been worried sick about you.

Okay... all right, everybody.

Now we are really imposing
on Eleanor here.

Chidi, let's everybody take off...

Hi, Eleanor. This person would like

to speak with you... privately.

About something.

Oh, really?

- Yup. Bye!
- [short beep]

[whispering] This is the wise monk

who gave me the magic amulet.

I gotta figure out what it means.

Could be the key to this entire mystery.

Luang, perfect.

Why don't you take Jianyu
back to your yurt,

- right away.
- Homey, no!

I'm not spending another second
with this loser.

You said he was gonna be my best friend,

but he is not.

My best friend from Jacksonville

was named Pillboi, and he was dope!

We would talk together,
get high together,

throw old batteries at drones together.

But this guy can't hold
a camel to Pillboi.

Okay, I no longer think
he's a wise monk,

and I'm pretty sure this is
just a piece of garbage.

Babe, there you are.
I've been worried...

Let me stop you. Can I guess?

You've been worried sick about me.

I'm headed to the gym.

Sure, why not?

- I'm quite confused.
- Let me explain, gorgeous.

I don't know what this place is,

but it is certainly not the Good Place.

Michael is forking with us.

- Like a prank show.
- Yeah, like a prank show.

Except according to this note,

it's a prank show
we've all been on before.

- What note?
- Apparently, I wrote myself

a note, and stuck it
in that Jackie lady's mouth.

Janet. Her name is Janet.

- Oh, right, Janet.
- Hi there.

- Hi Janet!
- Hi Jason.

[cackling]

Are you kidding me?

Eleanor Shellstrop,

you sneaky little so-and-so.

That was some very quick thinking.

I'm extremely impressed.

And to be honest... I'm relieved.

At least there's an explanation

for why this all went south so fast.

But you're not gonna
be so lucky next time.

- Next time?
- What?

- Yeah. [laughs]
- He's gonna do it again!

That's not gonna work this time...

- dummy.
- Okay, excuse me.

I'm sorry, but this is unacceptable.

I demand to speak to your superior.

I am so sorry, madam. Please forgive me.

Well, as humans like to say,

third time's the charm, right?

[employees grumbling]

I take full responsibility
for the false start.

But I assure you all,
there is no note this time.

I'll prove it to you. Janet!

- [short beep]
- Hi there.

Hi, Janet. Open your mouth please.

Thank you.

[skin squelching]

See, no notes. No clues or loopholes...

nothing in there!

Thank you, Janet.
So, let's all just pretend

the last attempt never even happened.

- Questions.
- Maybe it's none

of our business, but did you tell Shawn

- what happened?
- Yes, I did.

And he completely understood.

[chuckling] As a matter of fact,

he found the whole thing kind of funny.

But he was very supportive,

and he says he's very excited

for us to get going again.

So, anyone else?

Anybody?

No? Then let's get out there

and make some miseries!

Testing, one, two, three...

[digital beeping]

- Hey there, boss-man.
- You were supposed to call me

- this morning, give me an update.
- Oh.

[laughs] Right, sorry.

Yeah, it's just the...

the chaos sequence was going so well...

better than the first time,
in my opinion.

Eleanor got completely drunk last night.

She talked for, like, an hour.

You know, even flashed somebody,
so we had a lot to work with.

So, attempt number two is
on track so far?

Oh, smooth as silk. Everything's great.

- [tortured screaming]
- Oh!

Sounds like everything's
going well back there too.

We're trying out
the new butthole spiders.

- Ah!
- They're enormous.

You know, good old-fashioned torture...

the way it's supposed to be.

Good luck with attempt number two.

And remember,

there will be no attempt number three.

[digital beeping]

[tense string music]

Eleanor. Come on in.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com