The Good Place (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis - full transcript
Teaching Eleanor about ethics becomes a full-time job for Chidi; Michael and Janet must deal with an emergency.
- Good afternoon, eleanor.
What can I get you today?
- Whoa.
Lot of new flavors.
- Michael felt bad
about the sinkhole,
so he wanted to
give you all a little treat.
I recommend
"full cell phone battery."
- whoa.
It somehow tastes how I felt
when my cell phone
was fully charged.
Oh, I'm so relaxed.
But they all look good.
This might take me
a while.
You know what, gunnar, uh,
why don't you go ahead?
- Thanks so much, eleanor.
- Mm-hmm.
- What can I get you, gunnar?
- Hi, janet.
Can I have some folded laundry?
- Coming up.
[indistinct chatter]
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
- chidi!
You'll never believe it.
I was at the frozen yogurt place
and I didn't know what I wanted,
so I turned to the guy behind
me, and I was like,
"why don't you go ahead?"
[gasps]
just like that!
"why don't you go ahead?"
- o-okay?
- Dude, you don't understand!
I never did stuff like that
when I was on earth.
But now, thanks to your
"good person" lessons,
I didn't hold up the line.
I didn't even try a dozen
samples I didn't want
just to spite some jerk who told
me I was holding up the line.
- You do that?
- No, chidi,
I used to do that.
Now I do selfless things without
even thinking about it.
- That's great.
I-I'm proud of you.
So where's our yogurt?
- Ugh.
I forgot it.
Oh...
Can you go?
I don't want to
go all the way back.
I ran all the way here
and it was so hot.
I mean, I will happily get it,
because I told you I would.
Good person.
[mellow music]
♪ ♪
- so, to sum up:
Utilitarianism posits
that the correct choice
is the one that causes
the most good or pleasure,
and the least pain
and suffering.
- I like this one.
It's simple.
Ugh, screw all the other
complicated theories,
why didn't you
start with this one?
- Ah, but here's the problem.
If all that matters is the
sum total of "goodness,"
then you can justify
any number of bad actions,
like torturing one innocent
person to save a hundred,
or preemptive war--
- oh, dip, I get it.
It's like, I knew
this girl sheila?
She was a black market alligator
dealer with a pierced jawbone.
- Um, okay, what?
- Sheila was gonna get married
to my boy, donkey doug
and make him
move to sarasota.
It would've broken up
my whole break dancing crew
and donkey doug
was our best pop-and-locker.
So I hid a bunch of stolen
boogie boards
in sheila's garage
and called the cops.
I framed one innocent
gator dealer
to save a 60-person
dance crew.
- Shockingly,
that is a relevant example
of the utilitarian dilemma.
Well done.
- Thanks!
Um...
- Uh, yes, jianyu?
- Can I be excused?
Tahani's doing a brunch party
and I want to get there
before all the
mini-waffles run out.
- Go ahead, man.
- Yes!
- So, you want to roll
right into another lesson?
I am revved up to learn, man.
My brain is horny!
- Um, can we
take a little break?
I've been standing at this
chalkboard all day.
- Oh, yeah, I get it.
Oh, you could, um,
grade my paper I wrote
on the concept of dharma.
Six pages, and I didn't even
do that thing
where I try to make it longer by
starting every sentence with
"interestingly..."
- sure, I'll do that
and, uh...
We can start another lesson.
- Ah, tahani.
I've been working on my western
hemisphere brunch banter.
Tell me what you think.
That "new yorker"
article was crazy.
You haven't seen
"hamilton"?
Hey, did you hear about
stephanie?
- Very well done, michael.
- Hi, there!
We have a category 55
emergency doomsday crisis.
- A category 55
emergency doomsday crisis?
- Mm-hmm.
- Sorry, what is a category 55
emergency doomsday crisis?
- It's nothing, it's a tiny
little inconvenience.
Tahani, dear, could you show us
to a private room
where no one can see
or hear us, even if I yell
very loudly out of fear?
[device chimes]
[gasps]
- it appears that the sinkhole
is not repairing itself.
- This is very bad, janet.
We have to go into the
sinkhole and fix it by hand.
Get the tools.
- Sorry, can I be
of any service?
- Ah, tahani.
Didn't see you there.
Uh, no, no.
We're just having
a slight problem
with the enormous sinkhole.
- Yes, I meant to tell you--
I walked past it last night
and I actually saw it
get a little bit bigger.
- [screams]
it got bigger?
Ah, well, that's--
that's so normal.
Um, this is the reaction
I have when things
are incredibly mundane
and expected.
I'm gonna leave now...
At my regular pace,
as I do in most scenarios.
- Finally!
Let's get back to it.
Whip out that chalkboard,
big boy, show me
what you're working with.
- Actually, I was going to head
into town and pick up some...
Blankets.
- Great, I'll grab my sweater.
I can practice letting people
cut in front of me.
- You know, uh,
I just realized
that I have blankets,
so I'm going to take a nap
using the several blankets
that I already have.
Good night.
- Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
What's wrong?
Out with it.
- I'm just tired,
need a break.
No big deal.
- The way you're talking
to me right now?
"everything's cool, no big
deal"--I know that move.
When I told a boyfriend
something was "no big deal,"
it meant anything from "I just
bought weed from your nephew,"
to "I secretly befriended your
ex-girlfriend last year,
things got out of hand,
and now I'm her bridesmaid."
- wow.
Okay, well, in this case,
it really is no big deal.
- Dude, you're
hiding something!
What's wrong?
- Nothing!
- What...Is...
Wrong?
[device chimes]
- jianyu second.
Oh, well done, my love.
So where am I?
Eleanor--6th?
Come on.
Oh, no.
I'm second to last.
Mummy, I made you this.
It's the pretty bird
we saw in the garden.
- Thank you, tahani.
It's very competent.
- I made a bird, as well.
I worked in a reflective alloy,
holding up a mirror to mankind
and its mistreatment of these
defenseless animals.
- Excellent, kamilah.
I sense the influence of
brancusi and kapoor.
- It seems you're moving out of
your structural period,
and more into
conceptual abstraction.
- Good eye, mother.
I grew tired of
objective representation.
I trust my audience.
- My birdie has a hat.
- Yes, well done, tahani.
- What's wrong?
- Nothing's wrong.
- What's wrong?
- Nothing's wrong.
- What's wrong?
- Nothing's wrong.
- What's wrong?
- Nothing's wrong.
Would you stop doing that?
Okay, fine!
- What's wrong?
- You want to know
what's wrong?
You are a full-time job.
I wake up,
there's eleanor.
I spend all day
teaching eleanor.
And then it's,
"good night, eleanor."
oh, this is a nice dream,
my grandma's here.
Wait, she's got
eleanor's face!
And tentacles
for some reason.
- I thought
you liked teaching me.
So now I'm just
some huge burden for you?
- Yes!
Of course you are!
I am in paradise!
I should be doing
paradise things,
like rowing out on a lake
with a good bottle of wine,
reading french poetry.
- That's your idea
of paradise?
- You know,
and I can't stop helping you,
because then I am
shirking my ethical duty.
It's an impossible position!
- You know what, if you're so
stressed from writing
on a chalkboard,
why don't you just leave?
We can pretend to be
soul mates in public,
but other than that, we don't
have to see each other!
- Fine with me!
I'll move out right now.
- Fine!
[alarm blares]
- good afternoon.
As you all may remember,
a sinkhole recently
opened up in the town center.
The situation, sadly,
has worsened.
Starting right now,
no one may go outside
under any circumstances.
Leaving your homes could result
in catastrophic damage,
to you and to the very fabric
of the universe.
Okay, bye.
- Or we could both
just stay here.
- We hope you enjoy your
eternal stay in the good place.
Take advantage of our day spa,
or janet--
a magical assistant who can get
you whatever you want.
- You mind turning that off?
It's been playing
on a loop for two days.
- The whole neighborhood
is offline.
We only get
the welcome channel.
I would love to not watch tv,
but you canceled school.
[gasps]
what have you done to me,
you monster?
Look at all these
dishes piling up.
I used to just
throw them in the sink,
and they'd be magically
cleaned by morning.
- I did that.
I cleaned the dishes.
- Oh.
Then what's up
with these bad boys?
- You are unbelievable.
- Are you still upset?
You're not over it yet?
- How can I be over it?
We haven't discussed it
or even spoken for days.
- Well, it sounds like you've
had a really nice "vacation"
from your "full-time job."
get your story straight, bro!
[knocking]
- hey, guys, it's michael.
- Hi, michael,
what a lovely surprise.
- Oh, I'd love to make small
talk--I've been practicing, too.
I'm amazing at it--but I'm in
a bit of a rush here.
This is bart and nina.
They live right next door
to the, uh, sinkhole,
so they obviously
need a place to stay.
I was wondering, as my
assistant, maybe you could
put them up for a while?
- Oh, of course.
Don't--don't think twice.
- Okay, shouldn't take long.
Between an hour and, um...
11 months.
Somewhere in there.
Okay, bye.
Don't go outside.
[door closes]
- ha...
- [chuckles]
- hello, everyone,
and welcome to day three
of our brunch siege.
I stayed up all night to plan
a full day of fun activities.
Just check the schedule I made.
- Tahani, you are
truly the best.
- Yes, you would think so,
wouldn't you, henriette?
[device chimes]
no second to last.
[sighs]
[indistinct chatter]
- tahani!
This auction threatens to be
an embarrassing failure.
- 5.2 million isn't bad.
- It's very
"middle-thermometer."
your public failure
is our public failure.
- You know what
has to be done.
- I'm very pleased to announce
that there has been
an addition to today's docket.
I'm sure you all know
my sister, kamilah.
[cheers and applause]
yes.
Kamilah.
Kamilah, of course,
is the youngest person ever
to graduate from
oxford university,
she's a world-class painter,
social activist, iconoclast,
olympic gold medalist
for archery,
a bafta award-winner
for her documentary
on her grammy award-winning
album,
and the person voted
"most likely to be banksy."
so without further ado,
take it away from me!
Sorry, I mean take it away,
kamilah.
[applause]
- I am auctioning off
a lunch date with me.
[crowd exclaims]
the bidding shall commence
at £3 million.
[excited murmuring]
- 5 million!
[crowd exclaims]
- thank you guys so much.
Sorry for the imposition.
- Oh, bah.
- Oh, well, if you want to know
the truth,
we asked michael
if we could stay with you.
We are obsessed
with your relationship.
Always whispering, locking
yourself in the house all day.
- I thought I was an expert in
true love 'cause of my old job,
but I have a lot
to learn from you guys.
- Your job?
What was your job?
- I was a marriage counselor.
You could say I wrote the book
on healthy relationships.
And I did!
[both laughing]
it's called, "how to spot
problems in a marriage
from 100 miles away."
both: Oh, cool.
- Really cool.
- Cool.
- Really, really cool.
- Cool, cool.
And what about you, bart?
- Oh, well, my job wasn't nearly
as interesting.
I started a company that
investigated identity theft.
Analyzing body language,
tracking and catching people
pretending to be
someone they're not.
It's--pssh, snooze,
am I right?
[both chuckling]
- they're gonna catch us!
This is an extremely
precarious situation!
I am vexed, eleanor!
- A marriage counselor
and a human lie detector
isn't my first choice
for company, either.
But they have no reason
to suspect us!
Plus, I think they may have
actually just come here
to, you know, swing.
I say we do it.
It'll get 'em to stop
asking questions.
- No, I am not going to
have sex with someone
to get them to
stop talking to me!
- Really?
You and I are very different.
- Yeah, I noticed!
- You know what, man?
I have spent
every second in this place
worried I was
gonna get caught,
but if we go down right now,
that's on you, okay?
Oh, you spend all your time
teaching a
charming, awesome lady?
How sad for you.
Face it, dude.
I'm the best thing
that ever happened to you.
Because guess what, chidi?
Ya basic!
- Eleanor--
- yeah, I know, you want to do
that thing where we're
arguing and fighting,
but then suddenly it's like,
"whoa, this is hot,"
and we start making out.
Dream on!
Or, whatever, fine,
let's just do it.
- No, eleanor, look.
- So how much of that
did you hear?
- We couldn't hear you,
but I'm an expert in
non-verbal communication,
and it is clear--
you are in conflict.
- We're not judging you.
This has been
a tough couple of weeks.
I'm sure the stress of the
sinkhole has caused
lots of soul mate squabbles.
- Yes, that's what it is.
A squabble.
We're squabbling.
- Squabble, squabble!
- I can help.
I'm gonna take your relationship
and put it under a microscope
and dig and poke and prod
until you are back
to soul mate harmony.
Eleanor, why don't you--
- she never does the dishes.
I have to do them all the time.
- We just have different
interests.
I like relaxing, he likes
getting on my case
about the dishes.
- I'm getting a lot of
repressed anger.
I suspected this when I arrived,
but now I'm sure.
You are hiding something.
- What on earth would I be--
- no, no, no, not you.
Him.
- Please go back inside.
It isn't safe to be
out of your home.
Please go back inside.
Janet,
could you see what's wrong?
- Everything.
- Ugh.
- My goodness!
It's even worse
than I thought.
- Tahani, what're you
doing here?
- Well, everyone else might be
okay staying inside,
but I wanted to help.
So I've brought some cheer
and sustenance
to raise your spirits.
Look, I made donut holes.
Do you get it?
"donut holes"?
Sinkhole.
Funny, no?
- No, too soon.
By exactly nine days.
- Tahani, this sinkhole
is incredibly dangerous.
If a human gets
too close to it,
there could be disastrous
side effects.
[shimmering tones]
- what's--what's happening
to me?
- Oh, that's one of
the side effects.
- Janet, knock her out
while we still have time.
- Knock me out?
What does that--
- boop.
- Guys, really,
it's no big deal.
- "it's not a big deal"
is nearly always code
for "something is wrong."
- boom!
That's what I said.
I should've been
a marriage counselor.
- Okay, chidi, out with it.
What is so unsatisfying about
your soul mate relationship?
- Be honest, chidi.
Be, like, the exact
right amount of honest
so that we can
both be happy.
- I never had
a soul mate on earth.
I-I never even really had
a girlfriend that I "loved."
and when I got here,
and michael said I would
finally meet
my actual soul mate,
I was so excited.
And it isn't...
Exactly...What I thought.
- You've never had
an intense relationship before.
This is all
uncharted territory.
- No wonder you're so tense.
You know, nina and I are skilled
in the art of massage.
Uh, not erotic massage.
Although, it can be, and it
often leads there, anyway--
- okay, well,
you know what?
You guys have given us
so much to think about.
And I think
we should go to bed.
Just the two of us, alone.
Just us.
[whispers] I know it's not
the right time, but I told you.
- Tahani, wake up, dear.
- Michael.
Did it work?
Did I fix the sinkhole?
Am I a heroine?
- No, you did something
catastrophically stupid
and we had to knock you
unconscious.
Why in the world did you
go outside?
- Because I saw the rankings
in the manual.
- That manual is only meant
to be seen by
architects and janets.
It's got some very
sensitive material.
Plus some song lyrics
I've been working on,
and I'd rather not
let people see those
until they're finished.
Anyway, why did seeing the
rankings unravel you so?
- I was so sorry to hear
of your parents' passing.
Please bear with me as I share
their last will and testament.
"to kamilah,
we have left £68 million,
"the home in kensington,
the yacht,
and other assorted
weekend boats."
- well, what did they leave
their second favorite child?
- There's still
quite a lot of, um,
money and property
that goes to you.
There is one issue, however.
They have, um, spelled your
name incorrectly in the will.
- You've got to be
kidding me.
- It says, "we bequeath the rest
of our estate to tahini."
like the sauce.
- You know what?
I don't want the money.
My sister can
have it all.
My whole life,
I have lived in your shadow,
but now I'm going to
step out of it.
I am going to achieve heights of
success and sophistication
that you can only dream of.
- Your cardigan's on
inside out.
- I know!
It's a new trend
that I am starting.
Just one example
of how I'm going to
step out of your shadow.
[sighs]
oh, I'm sorry that I looked at
the rankings, michael.
But I just don't understand
how I'm so low.
My entire life, I have tried
to be extraordinary,
but it just never
seemed to be enough.
- Ah.
And you thought you could
increase your ranking
by helping us fix
the sinkhole.
Tahani, the point evaluations
stop the moment you die.
But also,
out of literally billions,
you were one of the most
remarkable people on earth.
You have nothing left to prove,
to anyone.
[chiming]
- hi, there.
The sinkhole has
begun to repair itself.
- [gasps]
- it has?
- Could it be--
- but how--
- did I...?
"tahani saves the un--"
- no, no, no.
Still not you.
You have nothing to do with it.
We've got to leave
immediately.
It's now safe
to go outside.
It's now safe to go outside.
It's now safe
to go outside.
- Morning, teach!
- Morning.
What's this about?
- Well, here's what
I realized.
It's not just that helping me
is a full-time job
that you feel you have to do.
The real problem is,
that the more you help me,
the greater the chance is
that I can stay here,
and me staying here means
you'll never get
a real soul mate.
I'm basically a utilitarian
nightmare.
- [laughs]
- every ounce of my happiness
leads to a ton of pain for you.
So every time the simple fact
of my existence
starts to bum you out,
I want you to
hold this up.
- [laughs]
- at which point,
I will leave you alone
for as long as you need.
I know we'll never be soul
mates, but we're friends.
Now get in this boat and read
some boring french poetry.
- I--I've never actually
done this before.
This is a theoretical fantasy.
How do you row a boat?
- I'll tell ya,
it's good as new.
Go ahead,
if you want, just--here.
Whoo!
See?
You can jump up
and down on it.
- Hey, boss.
So you fixed the sinkhole.
- Yup, good as new.
Crisis averted.
Everybody have
a wonderful day,
because I fixed the sinkhole.
I didn't fix the sinkhole.
- Sorry?
- I tried and I tried,
but nothing worked.
And then all of a sudden...
This morning, out of the blue,
it just--whoop!
It just closed over.
- Huh.
How 'bout that?
Well, as your assistant,
I officially
declare this good news.
- No, this is terrible news!
I have no idea what caused it,
eleanor.
And no idea what fixed it.
I want you to come to my office
first thing in the morning.
You and I are gonna
find this problem.
What can I get you today?
- Whoa.
Lot of new flavors.
- Michael felt bad
about the sinkhole,
so he wanted to
give you all a little treat.
I recommend
"full cell phone battery."
- whoa.
It somehow tastes how I felt
when my cell phone
was fully charged.
Oh, I'm so relaxed.
But they all look good.
This might take me
a while.
You know what, gunnar, uh,
why don't you go ahead?
- Thanks so much, eleanor.
- Mm-hmm.
- What can I get you, gunnar?
- Hi, janet.
Can I have some folded laundry?
- Coming up.
[indistinct chatter]
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
- chidi!
You'll never believe it.
I was at the frozen yogurt place
and I didn't know what I wanted,
so I turned to the guy behind
me, and I was like,
"why don't you go ahead?"
[gasps]
just like that!
"why don't you go ahead?"
- o-okay?
- Dude, you don't understand!
I never did stuff like that
when I was on earth.
But now, thanks to your
"good person" lessons,
I didn't hold up the line.
I didn't even try a dozen
samples I didn't want
just to spite some jerk who told
me I was holding up the line.
- You do that?
- No, chidi,
I used to do that.
Now I do selfless things without
even thinking about it.
- That's great.
I-I'm proud of you.
So where's our yogurt?
- Ugh.
I forgot it.
Oh...
Can you go?
I don't want to
go all the way back.
I ran all the way here
and it was so hot.
I mean, I will happily get it,
because I told you I would.
Good person.
[mellow music]
♪ ♪
- so, to sum up:
Utilitarianism posits
that the correct choice
is the one that causes
the most good or pleasure,
and the least pain
and suffering.
- I like this one.
It's simple.
Ugh, screw all the other
complicated theories,
why didn't you
start with this one?
- Ah, but here's the problem.
If all that matters is the
sum total of "goodness,"
then you can justify
any number of bad actions,
like torturing one innocent
person to save a hundred,
or preemptive war--
- oh, dip, I get it.
It's like, I knew
this girl sheila?
She was a black market alligator
dealer with a pierced jawbone.
- Um, okay, what?
- Sheila was gonna get married
to my boy, donkey doug
and make him
move to sarasota.
It would've broken up
my whole break dancing crew
and donkey doug
was our best pop-and-locker.
So I hid a bunch of stolen
boogie boards
in sheila's garage
and called the cops.
I framed one innocent
gator dealer
to save a 60-person
dance crew.
- Shockingly,
that is a relevant example
of the utilitarian dilemma.
Well done.
- Thanks!
Um...
- Uh, yes, jianyu?
- Can I be excused?
Tahani's doing a brunch party
and I want to get there
before all the
mini-waffles run out.
- Go ahead, man.
- Yes!
- So, you want to roll
right into another lesson?
I am revved up to learn, man.
My brain is horny!
- Um, can we
take a little break?
I've been standing at this
chalkboard all day.
- Oh, yeah, I get it.
Oh, you could, um,
grade my paper I wrote
on the concept of dharma.
Six pages, and I didn't even
do that thing
where I try to make it longer by
starting every sentence with
"interestingly..."
- sure, I'll do that
and, uh...
We can start another lesson.
- Ah, tahani.
I've been working on my western
hemisphere brunch banter.
Tell me what you think.
That "new yorker"
article was crazy.
You haven't seen
"hamilton"?
Hey, did you hear about
stephanie?
- Very well done, michael.
- Hi, there!
We have a category 55
emergency doomsday crisis.
- A category 55
emergency doomsday crisis?
- Mm-hmm.
- Sorry, what is a category 55
emergency doomsday crisis?
- It's nothing, it's a tiny
little inconvenience.
Tahani, dear, could you show us
to a private room
where no one can see
or hear us, even if I yell
very loudly out of fear?
[device chimes]
[gasps]
- it appears that the sinkhole
is not repairing itself.
- This is very bad, janet.
We have to go into the
sinkhole and fix it by hand.
Get the tools.
- Sorry, can I be
of any service?
- Ah, tahani.
Didn't see you there.
Uh, no, no.
We're just having
a slight problem
with the enormous sinkhole.
- Yes, I meant to tell you--
I walked past it last night
and I actually saw it
get a little bit bigger.
- [screams]
it got bigger?
Ah, well, that's--
that's so normal.
Um, this is the reaction
I have when things
are incredibly mundane
and expected.
I'm gonna leave now...
At my regular pace,
as I do in most scenarios.
- Finally!
Let's get back to it.
Whip out that chalkboard,
big boy, show me
what you're working with.
- Actually, I was going to head
into town and pick up some...
Blankets.
- Great, I'll grab my sweater.
I can practice letting people
cut in front of me.
- You know, uh,
I just realized
that I have blankets,
so I'm going to take a nap
using the several blankets
that I already have.
Good night.
- Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
What's wrong?
Out with it.
- I'm just tired,
need a break.
No big deal.
- The way you're talking
to me right now?
"everything's cool, no big
deal"--I know that move.
When I told a boyfriend
something was "no big deal,"
it meant anything from "I just
bought weed from your nephew,"
to "I secretly befriended your
ex-girlfriend last year,
things got out of hand,
and now I'm her bridesmaid."
- wow.
Okay, well, in this case,
it really is no big deal.
- Dude, you're
hiding something!
What's wrong?
- Nothing!
- What...Is...
Wrong?
[device chimes]
- jianyu second.
Oh, well done, my love.
So where am I?
Eleanor--6th?
Come on.
Oh, no.
I'm second to last.
Mummy, I made you this.
It's the pretty bird
we saw in the garden.
- Thank you, tahani.
It's very competent.
- I made a bird, as well.
I worked in a reflective alloy,
holding up a mirror to mankind
and its mistreatment of these
defenseless animals.
- Excellent, kamilah.
I sense the influence of
brancusi and kapoor.
- It seems you're moving out of
your structural period,
and more into
conceptual abstraction.
- Good eye, mother.
I grew tired of
objective representation.
I trust my audience.
- My birdie has a hat.
- Yes, well done, tahani.
- What's wrong?
- Nothing's wrong.
- What's wrong?
- Nothing's wrong.
- What's wrong?
- Nothing's wrong.
- What's wrong?
- Nothing's wrong.
Would you stop doing that?
Okay, fine!
- What's wrong?
- You want to know
what's wrong?
You are a full-time job.
I wake up,
there's eleanor.
I spend all day
teaching eleanor.
And then it's,
"good night, eleanor."
oh, this is a nice dream,
my grandma's here.
Wait, she's got
eleanor's face!
And tentacles
for some reason.
- I thought
you liked teaching me.
So now I'm just
some huge burden for you?
- Yes!
Of course you are!
I am in paradise!
I should be doing
paradise things,
like rowing out on a lake
with a good bottle of wine,
reading french poetry.
- That's your idea
of paradise?
- You know,
and I can't stop helping you,
because then I am
shirking my ethical duty.
It's an impossible position!
- You know what, if you're so
stressed from writing
on a chalkboard,
why don't you just leave?
We can pretend to be
soul mates in public,
but other than that, we don't
have to see each other!
- Fine with me!
I'll move out right now.
- Fine!
[alarm blares]
- good afternoon.
As you all may remember,
a sinkhole recently
opened up in the town center.
The situation, sadly,
has worsened.
Starting right now,
no one may go outside
under any circumstances.
Leaving your homes could result
in catastrophic damage,
to you and to the very fabric
of the universe.
Okay, bye.
- Or we could both
just stay here.
- We hope you enjoy your
eternal stay in the good place.
Take advantage of our day spa,
or janet--
a magical assistant who can get
you whatever you want.
- You mind turning that off?
It's been playing
on a loop for two days.
- The whole neighborhood
is offline.
We only get
the welcome channel.
I would love to not watch tv,
but you canceled school.
[gasps]
what have you done to me,
you monster?
Look at all these
dishes piling up.
I used to just
throw them in the sink,
and they'd be magically
cleaned by morning.
- I did that.
I cleaned the dishes.
- Oh.
Then what's up
with these bad boys?
- You are unbelievable.
- Are you still upset?
You're not over it yet?
- How can I be over it?
We haven't discussed it
or even spoken for days.
- Well, it sounds like you've
had a really nice "vacation"
from your "full-time job."
get your story straight, bro!
[knocking]
- hey, guys, it's michael.
- Hi, michael,
what a lovely surprise.
- Oh, I'd love to make small
talk--I've been practicing, too.
I'm amazing at it--but I'm in
a bit of a rush here.
This is bart and nina.
They live right next door
to the, uh, sinkhole,
so they obviously
need a place to stay.
I was wondering, as my
assistant, maybe you could
put them up for a while?
- Oh, of course.
Don't--don't think twice.
- Okay, shouldn't take long.
Between an hour and, um...
11 months.
Somewhere in there.
Okay, bye.
Don't go outside.
[door closes]
- ha...
- [chuckles]
- hello, everyone,
and welcome to day three
of our brunch siege.
I stayed up all night to plan
a full day of fun activities.
Just check the schedule I made.
- Tahani, you are
truly the best.
- Yes, you would think so,
wouldn't you, henriette?
[device chimes]
no second to last.
[sighs]
[indistinct chatter]
- tahani!
This auction threatens to be
an embarrassing failure.
- 5.2 million isn't bad.
- It's very
"middle-thermometer."
your public failure
is our public failure.
- You know what
has to be done.
- I'm very pleased to announce
that there has been
an addition to today's docket.
I'm sure you all know
my sister, kamilah.
[cheers and applause]
yes.
Kamilah.
Kamilah, of course,
is the youngest person ever
to graduate from
oxford university,
she's a world-class painter,
social activist, iconoclast,
olympic gold medalist
for archery,
a bafta award-winner
for her documentary
on her grammy award-winning
album,
and the person voted
"most likely to be banksy."
so without further ado,
take it away from me!
Sorry, I mean take it away,
kamilah.
[applause]
- I am auctioning off
a lunch date with me.
[crowd exclaims]
the bidding shall commence
at £3 million.
[excited murmuring]
- 5 million!
[crowd exclaims]
- thank you guys so much.
Sorry for the imposition.
- Oh, bah.
- Oh, well, if you want to know
the truth,
we asked michael
if we could stay with you.
We are obsessed
with your relationship.
Always whispering, locking
yourself in the house all day.
- I thought I was an expert in
true love 'cause of my old job,
but I have a lot
to learn from you guys.
- Your job?
What was your job?
- I was a marriage counselor.
You could say I wrote the book
on healthy relationships.
And I did!
[both laughing]
it's called, "how to spot
problems in a marriage
from 100 miles away."
both: Oh, cool.
- Really cool.
- Cool.
- Really, really cool.
- Cool, cool.
And what about you, bart?
- Oh, well, my job wasn't nearly
as interesting.
I started a company that
investigated identity theft.
Analyzing body language,
tracking and catching people
pretending to be
someone they're not.
It's--pssh, snooze,
am I right?
[both chuckling]
- they're gonna catch us!
This is an extremely
precarious situation!
I am vexed, eleanor!
- A marriage counselor
and a human lie detector
isn't my first choice
for company, either.
But they have no reason
to suspect us!
Plus, I think they may have
actually just come here
to, you know, swing.
I say we do it.
It'll get 'em to stop
asking questions.
- No, I am not going to
have sex with someone
to get them to
stop talking to me!
- Really?
You and I are very different.
- Yeah, I noticed!
- You know what, man?
I have spent
every second in this place
worried I was
gonna get caught,
but if we go down right now,
that's on you, okay?
Oh, you spend all your time
teaching a
charming, awesome lady?
How sad for you.
Face it, dude.
I'm the best thing
that ever happened to you.
Because guess what, chidi?
Ya basic!
- Eleanor--
- yeah, I know, you want to do
that thing where we're
arguing and fighting,
but then suddenly it's like,
"whoa, this is hot,"
and we start making out.
Dream on!
Or, whatever, fine,
let's just do it.
- No, eleanor, look.
- So how much of that
did you hear?
- We couldn't hear you,
but I'm an expert in
non-verbal communication,
and it is clear--
you are in conflict.
- We're not judging you.
This has been
a tough couple of weeks.
I'm sure the stress of the
sinkhole has caused
lots of soul mate squabbles.
- Yes, that's what it is.
A squabble.
We're squabbling.
- Squabble, squabble!
- I can help.
I'm gonna take your relationship
and put it under a microscope
and dig and poke and prod
until you are back
to soul mate harmony.
Eleanor, why don't you--
- she never does the dishes.
I have to do them all the time.
- We just have different
interests.
I like relaxing, he likes
getting on my case
about the dishes.
- I'm getting a lot of
repressed anger.
I suspected this when I arrived,
but now I'm sure.
You are hiding something.
- What on earth would I be--
- no, no, no, not you.
Him.
- Please go back inside.
It isn't safe to be
out of your home.
Please go back inside.
Janet,
could you see what's wrong?
- Everything.
- Ugh.
- My goodness!
It's even worse
than I thought.
- Tahani, what're you
doing here?
- Well, everyone else might be
okay staying inside,
but I wanted to help.
So I've brought some cheer
and sustenance
to raise your spirits.
Look, I made donut holes.
Do you get it?
"donut holes"?
Sinkhole.
Funny, no?
- No, too soon.
By exactly nine days.
- Tahani, this sinkhole
is incredibly dangerous.
If a human gets
too close to it,
there could be disastrous
side effects.
[shimmering tones]
- what's--what's happening
to me?
- Oh, that's one of
the side effects.
- Janet, knock her out
while we still have time.
- Knock me out?
What does that--
- boop.
- Guys, really,
it's no big deal.
- "it's not a big deal"
is nearly always code
for "something is wrong."
- boom!
That's what I said.
I should've been
a marriage counselor.
- Okay, chidi, out with it.
What is so unsatisfying about
your soul mate relationship?
- Be honest, chidi.
Be, like, the exact
right amount of honest
so that we can
both be happy.
- I never had
a soul mate on earth.
I-I never even really had
a girlfriend that I "loved."
and when I got here,
and michael said I would
finally meet
my actual soul mate,
I was so excited.
And it isn't...
Exactly...What I thought.
- You've never had
an intense relationship before.
This is all
uncharted territory.
- No wonder you're so tense.
You know, nina and I are skilled
in the art of massage.
Uh, not erotic massage.
Although, it can be, and it
often leads there, anyway--
- okay, well,
you know what?
You guys have given us
so much to think about.
And I think
we should go to bed.
Just the two of us, alone.
Just us.
[whispers] I know it's not
the right time, but I told you.
- Tahani, wake up, dear.
- Michael.
Did it work?
Did I fix the sinkhole?
Am I a heroine?
- No, you did something
catastrophically stupid
and we had to knock you
unconscious.
Why in the world did you
go outside?
- Because I saw the rankings
in the manual.
- That manual is only meant
to be seen by
architects and janets.
It's got some very
sensitive material.
Plus some song lyrics
I've been working on,
and I'd rather not
let people see those
until they're finished.
Anyway, why did seeing the
rankings unravel you so?
- I was so sorry to hear
of your parents' passing.
Please bear with me as I share
their last will and testament.
"to kamilah,
we have left £68 million,
"the home in kensington,
the yacht,
and other assorted
weekend boats."
- well, what did they leave
their second favorite child?
- There's still
quite a lot of, um,
money and property
that goes to you.
There is one issue, however.
They have, um, spelled your
name incorrectly in the will.
- You've got to be
kidding me.
- It says, "we bequeath the rest
of our estate to tahini."
like the sauce.
- You know what?
I don't want the money.
My sister can
have it all.
My whole life,
I have lived in your shadow,
but now I'm going to
step out of it.
I am going to achieve heights of
success and sophistication
that you can only dream of.
- Your cardigan's on
inside out.
- I know!
It's a new trend
that I am starting.
Just one example
of how I'm going to
step out of your shadow.
[sighs]
oh, I'm sorry that I looked at
the rankings, michael.
But I just don't understand
how I'm so low.
My entire life, I have tried
to be extraordinary,
but it just never
seemed to be enough.
- Ah.
And you thought you could
increase your ranking
by helping us fix
the sinkhole.
Tahani, the point evaluations
stop the moment you die.
But also,
out of literally billions,
you were one of the most
remarkable people on earth.
You have nothing left to prove,
to anyone.
[chiming]
- hi, there.
The sinkhole has
begun to repair itself.
- [gasps]
- it has?
- Could it be--
- but how--
- did I...?
"tahani saves the un--"
- no, no, no.
Still not you.
You have nothing to do with it.
We've got to leave
immediately.
It's now safe
to go outside.
It's now safe to go outside.
It's now safe
to go outside.
- Morning, teach!
- Morning.
What's this about?
- Well, here's what
I realized.
It's not just that helping me
is a full-time job
that you feel you have to do.
The real problem is,
that the more you help me,
the greater the chance is
that I can stay here,
and me staying here means
you'll never get
a real soul mate.
I'm basically a utilitarian
nightmare.
- [laughs]
- every ounce of my happiness
leads to a ton of pain for you.
So every time the simple fact
of my existence
starts to bum you out,
I want you to
hold this up.
- [laughs]
- at which point,
I will leave you alone
for as long as you need.
I know we'll never be soul
mates, but we're friends.
Now get in this boat and read
some boring french poetry.
- I--I've never actually
done this before.
This is a theoretical fantasy.
How do you row a boat?
- I'll tell ya,
it's good as new.
Go ahead,
if you want, just--here.
Whoo!
See?
You can jump up
and down on it.
- Hey, boss.
So you fixed the sinkhole.
- Yup, good as new.
Crisis averted.
Everybody have
a wonderful day,
because I fixed the sinkhole.
I didn't fix the sinkhole.
- Sorry?
- I tried and I tried,
but nothing worked.
And then all of a sudden...
This morning, out of the blue,
it just--whoop!
It just closed over.
- Huh.
How 'bout that?
Well, as your assistant,
I officially
declare this good news.
- No, this is terrible news!
I have no idea what caused it,
eleanor.
And no idea what fixed it.
I want you to come to my office
first thing in the morning.
You and I are gonna
find this problem.