The Good Place (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Tahani Al-Jamil - full transcript

- So Aristotle
was Plato's student.

And Aristotle believes that
your character is voluntary,

because it's just the result
of your actions,

which are under your control.

For example, right now,

you have made the insane choice
to ignore the person

who is literally trying to
save you from eternal damnation.

- No, yeah, yeah, yeah,
I'm listening.

Uh, I just...

are we sure we should be paying
attention to these guys?

It's like, who died and left
Aristotle in charge of ethics?



- Plato.

[knock at door]

- Uh, coming!

Uh, we're just...kissing.

And groping?

- [mouths] What?

- Hello.

- Tahani.

Hi.
What brings you here?

- You know, I was just, uh,
in the neighborhood.

[giggles]
Do you get it, Eleanor?

Because, you know, we're all
in the same afterlife,

so, you know, I'm always
in the neighborhood.

Do you get it?



- And I do,
and it's delightful.

- Anyway, this is for you.

Just a housewarming plant.

It's a little reminder that if
there's ever anything

that you need,
I am right next door.

- How could I
possibly forget?

Have a great day, Tahani!

- Oh, all right.

[door slams]

- Ugh.
Tahani.

[British accent] Welcome
to the neighborhood.

Even though we all arrived here
at the same time,

here's some dirt I put in a bowl
because I'm amazing.

- I thought it was kind of
a nice gesture.

- Oh, Chidi.

It's a total con.
I see through her little act.

- Her act of being a nice person
who brings you gifts?

- Bingo.
- Okay.

I'll--I'll remind you that
you're trying to learn

how to be a good person.

Maybe you should
return the favor

and bring her something.

- Oh, so now I'm supposed to
be nice and make friends

and treat her
with mutual respect?

- Yeah.

- That exactly what she wants
me to do, Chidi, wake up!

- That--that's what everyone
wants everyone to do.

- Hello, Chidi.

No frozen yogurt for you
this morning?

- Oh, uh, no, just, uh,
doing some reading.

- Ugh, been there, brother.

Workin' hard or hardly workin',
am I right?

Hump day.

- Uh, sorry.

Janet's functioning as
my assistant,

but she's a little stiff,
so I've been trying to get her

to be a little more casual
and conversational.

- I'll have what she's having.

- It's a work in progress.

Listen, Chidi.

I've been studying your file.

You're a very
interesting case.

You essentially only did one
thing while you were on earth.

You thought
and wrote about ethics.

- Yes, I spent 18 years
working on my manuscript

called "Who We Are
and Who We Are Not--colon--

"Practical Ethics
and Their Application

in the Modern World--
semi-colon--a Treatise--"

- Yes, yes, yes,
that's the one.

That's the one.

I think you should
experience new adventures.

You know, do things that you
haven't done on earth, right?

So why don't we meet tomorrow

and try out some new hobbies.

- Uh, why not?

I'll--I'll see you guys
tomorrow.

- Not if I see you first.
Where's the beef?

- [chuckles]

I don't know.
- Hump day.

[knocking]

- Hello, Eleanor.

Jianyu, darling, look, it's
Eleanor from next door.

- Is he asleep?

- Yeah, there's really
no way to tell.

Come on in.

What brings you
to our home, my dear?

- Well, I'm simply
repaying your kind gift

with a housewarming
gift of my own.

Fresh pears.

It's a plant,
just like your gift,

but you can
actually eat them.

So maybe it's
a better gift.

Who's to say?
- That's so kind.

However, in, um,
Chinese culture,

pears are actually
a symbol of bad luck.

And--and I wouldn't want
to offend Jianyu,

so I'm afraid
I'm gonna have to

throw these in the garbage.

But do come and sit down.

We haven't even had a chance

to discuss all of the mayhem
in our neighborhood yet.

It's so disconcerting.
- Yes.

What do you think
is causing it?

- Oh, I'm sure
I don't know.

But we must keep our heads up.

In fact, tomorrow I'm actually
going door-to-door

to make sure that
every single person

in this entire neighborhood
is keeping calm

and carrying on.

'Cause I think that helping
others will make me feel like

I truly belong here,
you know?

- Here's a brainstorm,
why don't I go with you?

I mean, I would love to do my
part to help the neighborhood,

not to mention, get a little
bonding time with you, lady.

- Oh, hurrah!

Such fun.

- I'm telling you,
Tahani's out to get me.

- What are you talking about?

- This note was slipped
under my door yesterday.

It has to be Tahani.

She just said to me, "I want to
feel like I truly belong here."

Well, where have I seen
the word "belong" recently?

Oh yeah, kaplow!

- I really don't think
she's the type of person

who would write this.

- She is that kind of person
and she did write it.

She wants everybody to think
she's such a perfect princess

just 'cause she's tall
and glamorous and has

cappuccino skin
and curves everywhere--

and now I'm
complimenting her.

And kind of turned on.

The point is,
she straight up sucks, bro.

[chiming]

- Whoa.
- Typical Tahani.

Brings us a faulty plant
so she can brag about

being a better gardener.

- No, I think this
is another way in which

your negative actions
affect this world.

This plant represents
your relationship to Tahani,

so when you're mean to her,
it starts to wilt.

- Well, then this plant
is doomed,

because tomorrow, I'm going with
her and I'm gonna prove to you

and to everyone that she is
secretly a two-faced,

calculating, phony bench.

[weeping]

Hmm.
Yeah.

Truth hurts,
doesn't it, plant?

.

- So all I want to do
is just check in,

see how everyone's
holding up.

Just bring some cheer to
these extraordinary people.

- Cool.

So tell me about yourself.

I mean, I want to
hear it all, girlfriend.

The good, the bad,
the really bad,

the embarrassing, the
humiliating, just--let's bond!

- Okay, well I was
born in Pakistan,

raised in London, schooled
in Paris, but I think

the primary reason that I'm in
the Good Place is that

I raised quite a lot of money
for non-profit groups.

- Oh.

Did you ever, uh, skim a little
off the top for yourself?

- Gracious, no, no!

Every penny
was accounted for.

And as I raised nearly
$60 billion,

there was quite
a lot of pennies.

- [chuckles]

- But I also dabbled
in some other professions.

I was a model,
a museum curator,

an "It Girl," and...

oh, I was Baz Luhrmann's
muse for a while.

That was quite fun.

- Modeling?
That's a crazy life.

Want to tell me about that
rock bottom you probably hit?

- Oh, I didn't really
do it for long.

Couture just doesn't
fit my body.

I'm cursed with
ample bosom.

- And yet you soldier on.

- Oh, this is silly--

so "Tahani" means
"congratulations" in Arabic.

And "Al-Jamil"
means "beautiful,"

so my full name
altogether means--

- "Congratulations, Beautiful."

- Thanks, Eleanor.
You big flirt.

[giggles]

- Hey, babe, got you coffee.

- Oh, great.

Oh, Andy's Coffee, uh,
we shouldn't go there.

Everybody's boycotting.

- Yeah, I know that one guy
found a scorpion in his latte.

I don't really care, though,
'cause it's so close to here.

- No, no, no, it's because
he's sexually harassing people.

Look, a journalist went
undercover for an interview

and recorded him.

Here, watch.

- Here's the thing, sweetheart.

You're very qualified,
but you're also what we call

in the coffee shop game
a, uh, "dog-face."

You're a three, and you have to
be a nine to work here.

It's just math.

- So I didn't get the job?

- [chuckles]

No, dog-face,
you didn't get the job.

All right, I'll check
your references.

Just to be nice--
- Hey, my breasts!

- I'll check 'em.
Oh, they're good. Honk!

- I mean, this guy's a monster,
we can't support this guy.

- Okay, hey,
you're not better than me

just 'cause you won't support
a guy who grabbed a boob once.

- No, I'm just saying we
shouldn't go there.

We can get coffee
somewhere else.

- Did you know your left
reference is a little bit

bigger than your
right reference?

It's not a bad thing,
it's just--it's a thing.

- This is the perfect hobby
for you, Chidi.

Cartography.

Your neighborhood
stretches way beyond

what you've already seen.

And you can map it,

revealing all of
the mysteries,

like an explorer.

- I see how
that might be fun.

Uh, but, uh,
exploring makes me nervous.

I have what doctor's call
"directional insanity."

I once got lost
on an escalator.

So not exactly
Christopher Columbus.

- Fun fact: Columbus is in
the Bad Place

because of all the raping,
slave trade, and genocide.

- The fact that
it makes you nervous

is exactly why
you should do it.

You know, get out of
your comfort zone.

Become a trail-blazer.

- Fun fact: all deceased members
of the Portland Trail Blazers

basketball team are also
in the Bad Place.

[giggles]

- Yeah, sorry about this.

I steered her away from
colloquialisms

and into "fun facts"
and trivia tidbits.

I thought it'd be
more in her wheelhouse.

- Fun fact: a "wheelhouse"
is a part of a boat.

- Okay, thank you,
Janet, thank you.

- Fun fact: Janet is me.

- All right,
let's forget about exploring.

Plenty more ideas for hobbies.

Let's walk back
to town, shall we?

Wrong way.
- Yep.

- Well, Glenn, we just wanted to
make sure you were all right.

- Tahani, you're too sweet.

Isn't she just
the nicest person?

- Mm-hmm.

That is what a lot
of people are saying.

- Oh, everyone I know
is saying that.

- Yeah, it's just a big
neighborhood

full of enormous mansions
and people who love Tahani!

[both laughing]

- Eleanor and I just want to see
if there's anything

we can do to help you.

- Oh, Tahani,
you are so thoughtful.

Despite all the chaos earlier,

we simply couldn't
be happier.

- Oh, I'm so glad
to hear it, Cualli.

Please take
a maple butter scone.

I made them fresh
this morning.

- Oh, they look
a bit burned.

But they're not.

Hmm.
Oh, fork, that's good.

- Extra, extra!

Read all about you.

Chidi, this is the
perfect hobby for you.

Journalism.

- Well, obviously,
I like to write.

But I don't love deadlines.

I prefer to take my time
with things.

- Yes, I know.

Uh, you never even named
your dog, did you?

When it ran away,
you posted signs saying,

"responds to long pauses."

Look, Chidi, I'm just trying to
find you a hobby--

the hat--that will bring you
a positive experience.

What do you say?

- I'm loving that hat on you.

It would look even better
on my floor.

- What is happening now?

- I suggested she be friendlier;
she seems to have

slipped right into
overt sexuality.

- I got something
you can slip into.

- Oh--
- Janet, no!

No, Janet.

- Oh, Jianyu, darling,
would you like some tea?

- That nod meant no, apparently.

- Well, it was nice to get out
and meet all of

our wonderful neighbors.

They all truly belong here.

- Oh, yes they do,
cutie-pants.

Boop!

Well, I should really be going.
I have to begin

my 12 step Korean
skincare regiment,

but, uh, I'll see--
oh, no, no, no.

Please stay
and enjoy the evening tea.

I'll see you soon.

Boop!

- "The Diary of
Tahani Al-Jamil."

- Okay.
Arc welding.

You could learn sculpture,
you can make furniture,

you can get your hands
a little greasy, you know,

and you make things.

- This equipment
is very scary!

- Don't be a baby.
It can't hurt you.

Watch, I'll blowtorch
your face off.

- Janet.
- Whatever.

This whole thing is stupid.

- Oh, brother.

I told her to be less flirty
and now she's

cruel and distant, apparently.

I just can't get this right.

- Thank you for trying to
find me a new hobby.

Um, but I just want to
be an academic.

I want to keep working on
my manuscript.

- Chidi, here's the thing--

see, I read your whole book,
all 3,600 pages of it.

It's, um...

how shall I put this?

- It's a mess, dude.

- Hey!
- She's right.

You see, Chidi, I can
read the entirety

of the world's literature
in about an hour.

This took me two weeks
to get through.

I mean, it's so convoluted,
I just kept reading

the same paragraph over and over
again, trying to figure out

what the heck
you were saying.

- Oh, no.

- I mean, on page 1,000,

you start section two
with the sentence,

"Of course, the exact opposite
might be true."

You're a brilliant guy, Chidi.

But you just kept revising
and rewriting

and adding words to your title.

I think you just twisted
yourself up into a knot.

- I have a very bad
stomachache.

- Hey, man.

[door closes]

What's wrong?

- Am I a good teacher?

Am I clear?
Do I make sense?

- Yeah, you're
a great teacher.

I'm super ethical now.

- What's that?
- Hmm?

Nah--don't worry about it.

I stole Tahani's diary.

So I could see if her
handwriting matches the note

and also read about all
the mean and terrible things

she's definitely done so I can
prove she's actually evil.

[fire crackling]

Huh.

What do you think
that means?

.

- You stole Tahani's diary.

- I know I broke
some ethical rule,

but I had good reason.

- Eleanor, in order to be
a good person,

you have to do good things.

And not stealing people's stuff,
that is just

a basic kindergarten rule.

I mean, do I also have to
tell you to not throw sand?

- First of all, throwing sand
is an excellent way

to put out a vodka fire.

- Why would you even know that?

- Second of all, I know that
it may not be nice,

but neither is pretending to be
100% perfect, like Tahani does.

She wrote that note.
- No she didn't!

You did!

I was hoping you would come to
this conclusion on your own,

but, obviously, no one here
would ever threaten you.

That note is the Good Place
manifesting your own guilt.

Like with the plant,
or when you literally made

giant shrimp fly through
the air.

- I wrote myself the note.

And as it turns out,

I do belong here.

Because I'm just as good
as everyone else.

- No, no, no.

No, you don't belong here.

And in this place,
everyone is better than you.

It has been proven by
an infallible formula.

Tahani might be
a little British

and condescending at times,

but she devoted her entire life
to helping other people.

She's a good person.

Accept that.

- Hey, babe.

Great news, I got us tickets
to the Coyotes game.

- Awesome!
- But, ooh, yikes.

Turns out two of
the players have DUIs.

Guess we can't
cheer for that team.

- Eleanor, I--
- You know what?

Instead,
let's just stay in,

watch a Roman Polanski movie,
listen to R. Kelly,

and eat Chik-fil-A.

Does that sound good?

There's bad stuff
everywhere, man.

It's impossible to avoid.

- Yeah, but shouldn't
we just try?

Shouldn't we just try to do the
right thing whenever we can?

- Why? It's so much harder
to live like that.

And it's not like
someone's keeping score.

- [sighs]

- Look, I know you're gonna
break up with me, okay?

I'm not an idiot.

I read your emails
to your dad.

Have fun being so amazing
and perfect until you die.

And by the way,
I'm talking really fast

because I still
go to Andy's Coffee,

and I got a full
punch card, bro.

Good people
make me insecure.

When I'm around someone
who I think is better than me,

I try and drag them
down to my level.

That's why perfect Tahani
is like my kryptonite.

- Well, even admitting that
is an important step.

And also,
maybe don't listen to me.

- I would love
not to listen to you.

Wait, what?

- Basically, my life's work

is 3,600 pages of garbage.

Even Michael couldn't
understand it.

- So?

What does Michael know?
- Everything.

That's my point--
he knows everything,

and it was too convoluted,
even for him.

- Michael does not
know everything.

Michael does not know
I'm not supposed to be here.

You wrote 4,000 pages
on one of the most

complicated subjects
in the world.

I mean I used to get bored
halfway through

writing a text message.

Be proud.

- I want to broaden
my horizons

and try new things,
and I will.

But even though I might have
gotten lost in the weeds,

I loved writing this book.

And I want to try again.

So...

will you be my advisor?

- Chidi, all I want
is for you to be happy.

So if spending eternity
getting blunt feedback

on your circular, rambling ideas
will make you happy,

then of course
I will be your advisor.

Let's throw that monstrosity
in the trash and start over.

- Aren't there maybe
some parts worth salvaging?

- Honestly, man,
I don't even know.

I mean, that thing
is unreadable.

I literally learned what
headaches were

because that thing
gave me a headache.

- Okay.

- There you go.

New beginnings!
Well done.

- [crying]

[gentle knocking]

Oh!

Oh, hello, Eleanor.
Hi.

Sorry, I was just
cleaning up.

- You okay?

Do you want to...

talk about it?

- Desperately.

It's Jianyu.

I just can't seem to
connect with him.

I know that he took
a vow of silence,

but he won't even talk to me,
his soul mate!

And I adore talking.

- I know.
You do.

- Eleanor, you don't know what
it's like to be in paradise

and feel like there's something
just not quite right.

- Well...

I may not know exactly
what you're feeling,

but I do understand.

And you deserve to be happy,
because...

you are an impressive,
thoughtful, and special person.

Not to mention...

you have a rockin' bod.

- [chuckles]

- I mean,
Jianyu may be mute,

but he's not blind.

- [laughs]

- You two belong here.

And you belong together.

And you have all of eternity,
so there's plenty of time

for things to change.

- Oh, thank you.

I really needed to hear that.
Come here.

- Ugh, of course your hugs
are amazing.

.

- [yawns]

[yelps]

Stupid ledge.

Ugh, stairs.

Everyone here is
really into hugging.

- Looks like
someone learned something.

- Well, it's 'cause
someone else

is a really good teacher.

- Eleanor, hello.

How are you,
my dear, sweet bestie?

- Never better.
What's up?

- Well, Janet has been acting
as my assistant.

It's not what she was
designed to do.

Didn't go great.
- But now I'm back to normal.

It turns out
that the best Janet

was the Janet that was
inside Janet all along.

- She was feeling a little lost,
so I gave her

a self-help book
to restore her confidence.

- Now I'm living my truth
and creating my bliss.

- Anyway, um, look,

Michael asked me if I would
serve as his assistant,

but I'd quite like to focus
on my relationship with Jianyu.

So I recommended you
for the job.

[giggles]

- Eleanor, you
and I could work

side-by-side to figure out

what's going wrong
with this neighborhood.

Will you help me?

- How could I say no?
- Yeah, hurrah!

- Hurrah!
- [giggles]

- What now?

[sighs]

Relax, Eleanor.

You sent this to yourself.

This is your own guilt
manifesting itself.

- I've been waiting for you.

- Jianyu?

You talk now?

You sent me
these threatening notes?

What the fork, man?

Some Buddhist monk you are.

- You don't belong here.

Admit it.

- Okay, you're right.

I don't belong here.

Michael made a mistake.

But I'm trying, dude.

I'm really trying
to be a good person.

And I think I'm changing
for the better,

so just please,
please don't rat me out.

- Don't worry, I won't.
- [sighs]

- Because I'm not
supposed to be here, either.

I don't know how I got here,
I have no idea what's going on,

and I am freakin' out,
homey!

You got to help me.

I'm scared!