The Good Place (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 12 - Mindy St. Claire - full transcript
♪ And now ♪
♪ The end is near ♪
♪ And so I face ♪
♪ The final curtain ♪
- Ow! What the hell?
- Walk it off, Lululemon.
♪ I'll say it clear ♪
♪ I'll state my case ♪
♪ Of which I'm certain ♪
♪ I've lived ♪
♪ A life that's full ♪
♪ I traveled each and... ♪
"Live every day like it's your last."
Bite me. I'ma live forever, bitch.
Ma'am? It's $132.21.
So, big plans this weekend?
Yep.
I'm gonna sit alone in my house watching
wedding fails on YouTube,
drinking margaritas
through a Twizzlers straw
until I pass out
on top of my vibrator.
♪
Hi there. Do you have a second
to talk about the environment?
No. Buzz off, whale-humper.
You know, I see you here all the time,
and you're always mean to me,
and it really hurts my feelings.
It does? Because the minute
you're out of my line of sight,
I literally forget you exist.
Watch. You exist. You don't exist.
You're bothering me.
Don't care if you die.
- See?
- Why are you like this?
Excuse me? Why am I like this?
You don't know me, dude.
You don't know what I'm like.
Look what you made me do, jag-off.
- ♪ And did it my... ♪
- Oh, my God, look out!
- Uh-oh.
- ♪ Way ♪
[inhales sharply]
Oh, good, you're awake.
Can I ask you a question
about where we're going?
Sure.
Where are we going? I forgot.
We're going somewhere
that's not the Good Place,
and it's not the Bad Place.
We're going to a Medium Place.
Hmm, is there a 7-Eleven on the way?
'Cause Janet's powers aren't working,
and I want some gum
and some football cards
and some scratchy tickets.
- Go away from me.
- Okay.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
_
Can this train go any faster, Janet?
No pressure, but Jason and I
will literally be tortured
for all of eternity if we get caught.
Don't worry, there's no way to tell
we're going to Mindy St. Clair's house.
It'll be our sexy little secret.
Jason taught me about sexy things.
Oh, yeah? What things
did he say were sexy?
Lamborghinis, cool snakes,
spinning rims,
20,000 followers on Instagram,
girls with pigtails eating lollipops,
latex pants, Carl's Jr. ads, and sex.
Eh, some of those are right.
♪
I'm here to preside over case #00003
regarding the soul
of Eleanor Shellstrop.
The Bad Place has sent Bad Janet
to present their argument.
[tone chimes]
What up, ding-dongs?
Yeah, so basically, um,
the Fake Eleanor's a dirt bag,
and these jabronis
are gonna try and claim
she's less of a dirt bag now,
but she just stole your train,
and she still sucks bad.
And she belongs with us.
Oh, also, check this out.
[farting]
- Nailed it.
- [tone chimes]
I've ruled the fart
inadmissible as evidence.
What I will consider
is the recent development
- of Eleanor stealing my train.
- Now, hold on a second.
She stole your train to voluntarily
go down to the Bad Place.
She was sacrificing herself
because she is a wonderful, selfless...
- [crunching]
- No, don't... oh!
- What's happening?
- I should have warned you.
Shawn only cares about cold hard facts.
If he detects any feelings
in your voice,
he retreats into a cocoon,
so what we need to do now
is just be very still and very quiet.
[suspenseful music]
♪
[crunching]
- Finally.
- [crunching]
- Oh, come...
- What did he just say?
Oh, because you're all so perfect.
[suspenseful music]
♪
Wow.
So where does this Mindy St. Clair live?
I don't know. I'm out of range
of our neighborhood. I don't have any
- of my normal abilities here.
- Perfect. [sighs]
Well, let's try this way.
Ooh, I've never had to walk before.
This is fun.
Now I'm bored. Walking is dumb.
[light music]
♪
[hawk screeches]
Well, given that she's the only person
in the neighborhood,
I'm guessing this is the pl...
Oh! She's naked!
- [screams]
- Oh, sorry!
- [screams]
- [yells]
- [screams]
- [yells]
Who are you?
I'm Janet.
Hello, Mindy. My name is Beadie.
I'm from the Good Place,
and welcome to your first day
- in the afterlife.
- What's up, idiot?
Sorry I'm late, babe.
Hey, are you pregnant?
- That's not possible.
- Congrats.
Yeah, so, Mindy, look.
You mostly sucked,
but then you did this one good thing.
I mean, I still think
we should get you...
They didn't, but neither did we.
A compromise was made:
the neighborhood you are in now
by yourself.
You submitted a list
of things you wanted;
the Good Place provided those things.
Yeah, and the Bad Place
made some modifications.
We got you your favorite beer.
Yeah, but it's always warm.
On your jukebox, you'll find
every song ever sung.
Yeah, by The Eagles, and
it's only the live versions.
Also, there's some spoken word poetry
from William Shatner.
It's deeply terrible.
You get the idea.
Welcome to eternal mediocrity.
- Welcome to the Medium Place.
- So what's up?
What's your deal? Are you single?
- What's going on?
- [static crackles]
Sorry about before.
One of the perks of living alone
is that I get to just walk around naked.
[laughs] My kind of gal.
And I gotta say, you keep it tight.
Oh, that is the nicest and only thing
anyone has said to me in 30 years.
So tell us everything.
I mean, what did you do
- to end up here?
- That's kind of a long story.
- Gonna need a drink or three.
- Definitely my kind of gal.
You guys have fun.
This is me and Janet's
honeymoon, so we're gonna
go try and figure out
how to have sex.
So I was a hotshot
corporate lawyer in the 1980s.
I only cared about making money
and doing cocaine.
One night, I had an epiphany, right?
I needed to do something
good with my life.
So I drew up plans for this foundation
that would help kids all over the world,
would advance human rights,
revolutionize agriculture,
and just improve every nation
and every society
in every possible way.
- You were pretty coked-up, huh?
- Oh, yeah, man,
I was flying high. It was so awesome.
But... you're not gonna believe this...
I followed through. Yeah, I woke up
the next morning,
I went straight to the bank,
I withdrew my life savings,
and I was gonna start
- that charity.
- Good for you!
And then I immediately
fell into subway tracks
and was electrocuted by the third rail.
- Ooh...
- Honestly, not the type of rail
I thought was gonna kill me...
[chuckles]
'Cause I love cocaine. [laughs]
Do you have any?
I'm just... I shouldn't...
Do you?
- No.
- Oh, yeah. I mean, I was just...
I was just kidding. It was just a joke.
I mean, who would want
to do cocaine right now?
- Are you okay?
- Anyway, so after I died, uh,
my sister found my plan,
and she used my money
to start the Mindy St. Clair
Rescue Alliance, yeah.
It's actually the largest
relief aid charity in the world.
Oh, so the question was,
did you get credit
for all those good person points or not?
Exactly. I don't know how long
my case was pending or whatever,
but when I woke up, the two sides
had been fighting about me
for a long time.
[chuckles] Like a stripper over that
last bump of coke at the party,
if you know what I mean.
But anyway, they finally came to
this compromise, you know?
Well, it beats being tortured.
I was about to turn myself in.
No. Yeah, there's no time
for that morality nonsense, sweetheart.
This is about survival.
You gotta look out for number one.
Right, well, we don't have proof
that it doesn't cure Alzheimer's.
Eleanor, we've got a surprise for you.
Yeah, thanks, but I brought my own cake.
Oh, I know you've only
worked here a few weeks,
but we have this little office tradition
where we all pitch in, and then we...
Yeah, no, I get it. It's just, I know
what kind of cake I like.
Plus, it's Lisa's
birthday next week,
and if I let you give me a cake,
that means I gotta pitch in
to get Lisa a cake
and sing to her and wear
one of those dumb hats
you all are wearing right now.
No, thanks.
This way, I don't owe you anything,
you don't owe me anything. Later.
What were we talking about?
What is her deal? Why is she like this?
I don't know, but the meaner she is,
the more it turns me on. Is that weird?
- You're my boss.
- Oh, say that to me again,
but more disgusted with me,
like I'm a worm.
Eleanor was supposed to be
in the Bad Place,
arrived here by accident,
assumed another person's identity,
and has now escaped.
Is that the whole story?
Well, no. Someone else was
sent here by mistake.
His name is Jason Mendoza,
and I believe he's on
the train with Eleanor.
- You knew about Jason?
- Yes, I know
that he's a fake
and that he's married to Janet
and that this entire neighborhood is...
What's the human expression?
Ah, yes, a smokin' hot turd.
I will deal with Jason Mendoza later.
For now, I will hear
your arguments for why
Fake Eleanor Shellstrop
should stay in the Good Place.
We can do this,
but we must remain emotionless.
I'm talking "Kristen Stewart
on a red carpet"
level of emotionless here, all right?
Begin.
[deadpan] Eleanor dedicated herself
to the study of ethics.
I was blown away by her capacity
for self-improvement.
[deadpan] Eleanor
is a magnificent person
who has grown tremendously
in her time here.
[deadpan] Please,
I'm begging you, please.
[deadpan] Voluntarily heading
to the Bad Place proves
that she is a selfless person.
Sorry. I'm getting choked up.
Yes, voluntarily sacrificing herself
and heading to the Bad Place
would be a point in her favor.
However, I've just received word
that Eleanor is not currently
in the Bad Place.
We have no idea where she is.
- Well, what the...
- What?
- Fork!
- [crunching]
I will now review Eleanor's memories.
Her memories? As in, all the things
- she's done on Earth?
- Mm-hmm.
But perhaps we could
take a little break first.
You know, we've been at it for
a while, and you must be tired.
I've been asleep in goo for
the last 29 years, so I'm good.
Call up the screen for
Fake Eleanor Shellstrop, please.
Where should we begin,
"Waiters Screamed At"
or "Cyberbullying of Pregnant Woman
from Spin Class"?
[melancholy music]
♪
[door closes]
Hey, you wanna grab
a drink or something?
Uh, no, I kind of have
my own private time routine.
I thought you'd want company
after being here alone for so long.
- No.
- Okay, I get it.
Hey, uh, where did you get that?
That's not one of my books.
I only have Anne Rice vampire
novels with water stains,
and I've cut words out of most
of them to make pornography.
My friend in the Good Place
gave it to me
when he was teaching me ethics.
It reminds me of him.
Look, if you wanna survive,
you have to forget
what you left behind.
Take that whole experience,
crumple it up, throw it
in the garbage can.
Okay. Instead of reading,
I will watch this VHS copy
of "Cannonball Run II."
Or maybe "The Making
of 'Cannonball Run II.'"
Wow. Very medium.
Yeah.
Hey, you two lovebirds
figure out how to have sex yet?
No. We tried for two hours,
but there was just a lot of,
like, bumping into each other.
It was weird.
[speaking Spanish]
[air horn blares]
This ain't your bar mitzvah
anymore, bitch.
It's my 24th birthday! What!
Hot tiara, girl.
[air horn blares]
That was "The Crashing
and Subsequent Destruction
of Vanessa Garcia's Quinceañera."
Let's move on to another event.
"Heckling of Mall Santas"?
"Lifetime Ban
from Build-a-Bear Workshop"?
"Brief Instagram Flirtation
with Kid Rock"? Oh, no.
This is getting away from us.
We need to do something quickly.
Yeah, uh, Judge, request permission
to speak somewhat emotionally?
Ugh. Fine.
Dramamine.
Helps with the nausea. Proceed.
Okay, look, I know, obviously,
these memories aren't great.
I was particularly disturbed
by "Started Fire in Mailbox
to Get Mailman to Take Off
Shirt," but that
was the old Eleanor. She changed.
She worked and she studied
and she got better.
And it wasn't just self-preservation,
it was real self-improvement.
I made the decision to help
Eleanor that first week,
and I'm glad I did.
Because she's worth it.
I, too, helped Eleanor.
Not as much as Chidi, surely,
but my help was more friendship
and sorely needed fashion advice.
Eleanor deserves to stay.
Thank you for these testimonials.
A ruling has been reached.
Oh, you want to hear it.
I forgot how needy humans are.
[clears throat]
Eleanor Shellstrop is a bad person.
The progress she has made
does not offset her actions on Earth.
She deserves to be in the Bad Place.
- Oh!
- As concerning Jason Mendoza,
I have heard no statements
nor seen any evidence
to suggest... oh, he's from Florida?
Yeah, he belongs in the Bad Place.
No, but how do you intend
to enforce this ruling?
You have no idea where they are.
Bad Janet?
- [tone chimes]
- What's up, fork nuts?
Engage walkie-talkie protocol.
[electronic warbling]
♪
What if you're here, and I'm like this?
Yes, that may work.
[beeping, electronic blaring]
Whoa, what is happening?
Is she having an orgasm?
Did I do it somehow?
Attention Eleanor Shellstrop
and Jason Mendoza.
This is the Almighty Judge
on High of All Beings
Living and Dead for All Eternity.
My name's Shawn.
We do not know where you are
but hope you are receiving this message.
You have been found to be the
rightful property of the Bad Place.
Either return
to your original neighborhood,
or your accomplices Chidi Anagonye
and Tahani Al-Jamil
will go to the Bad Place in your stead.
- What?
- What?
You have four hours. Good-bye.
Your Honor, please,
Chidi and Tahani
are completely innocent.
They are not completely innocent.
They told me so themselves.
They aided and abetted two criminals,
one of whom was a DJ.
They're gonna send Chidi and Tahani
to the Bad Place?
We're off the hook, this is amazing!
Babe, we are going to be trying
to make love all night long.
We don't have to go back, though.
- they just said.
- We can't let Tahani and Chidi
go to the Bad Place.
They're our friends.
- We literally owe it to them.
- If they're really
our "friends," then why aren't
they here with us right "now"?
Because we ran away. Are you...
Does your brain work, actually?
Do you have a functioning head?
I think he has a good point.
I wouldn't go back for those turkeys.
How can you say that?
Think practically here.
Okay, you go back,
you turn yourself in,
you get sent to the Bad Place,
and you never see your friends again.
Or you stay here, you're safe
from the Bad Place,
and you never see your friends again.
It's the same results,
except if you stay here,
you don't get tortured.
- But they do.
- That's their problem.
Your problem is whether
you get tortured.
Now if you'll excuse me,
it's my masturbating time.
When isn't it? We're going back.
- But...
- Now.
[dramatic music]
Can we even make it there in time?
I believe so, though it'll be close.
- Where's Jason?
- Heads up!
Sorry, Eleanor,
but I can't let us leave.
[slow motion] Bortles!
[dramatic music]
No!
♪
[clink]
What are you doing, you goon?
Trying to blow up the train.
Blowing stuff up got me
out of so many jams on Earth.
Let me try again.
Do... do you have another bottle?
Hi there, since there's
no Janet here to serve you,
I brought you two a little treat.
- Ah, kind of like a last meal.
- Not like a last meal,
just, uh, the final food
you might ever eat.
I'm gonna miss these little perks
when I'm down in the Bad Place,
being forced to wear a...
a knock-off handbag and drink tap water.
- That's what you think hell is?
- Ugh.
Janet, please, we have to go.
I won't start the train
until my husband says it's okay.
I'm sorry, Eleanor, but I engaged
a ride-or-die protocol
so I'm loyal to Jason forever.
Buddy...
Come on, we gotta go.
I don't wanna go to the Bad Place.
It's scary, like
the movie "Ratatouille."
- What?
- Yo, I ain't trying
to have rats living
in my hat and pulling my hair
to get me to do stuff.
I'm scared too.
But we can't just abandon
our friends and let them
take the fall for us.
Sure we can.
It would be so easy to do that.
We'd just go back to
Mindy's house, chill out...
I'd get used to room-temperature beer.
Me and Janet keep trying
to solve the problem
of how to have sex,
which could take years.
Yeah, yeah.
Let's just pretend that we didn't hear
the Janet walkie-talkie message.
No, it's time to own up, dude.
I spent my whole life acting like Mindy,
me first, no matter what,
and it literally took dying
and being around a bunch
of good people to realize
that I was kind of a nightmare.
Why were you like that?
Well...
let me tell you about
Doug and Donna Shellstrop.
Hey, Dad, just a warning,
Mom's gonna be here in a second.
Ugh, your mother's coming?
Oh, boy, hide the silverware.
You mean the silverware
you stole from Mom?
Yeah, but she keeps trying
to steal it back.
I drove here as fast as I could.
You scored free WrestleMania tickets?
There are no tickets, Mom.
I knew that was
the only way I could get you here.
Ah-ha! Burn.
Eleanor, just because your father and I
are divorced does not mean
you can disrespect me
like this, okay? We are a family.
Whose birthday is it?
- Mine.
- Are you serious? No way.
That was a B.S. foul on Chapman.
And since you both forgot,
again, which means
you definitely didn't
get me a present, again,
I got myself something.
I just need you to sign it.
Emancipation papers? Honey!
What does "emancipation" mean?
It means I'll be on my own.
All my life, I've been taking
care of myself and you guys.
I work two after-school jobs
because you blew half
my college fund bailing
your boyfriend out of jail.
So irresponsible.
And you blew the other half
trying to frame her boyfriend.
It was so stupid.
He was already guilty, dumbass.
I've been on my own
for a while now anyway,
and after you sign these papers,
it'll be official.
I won't owe you anything;
you won't owe me anything.
Well, if you want me to sign...
oh, that's a joint.
Uh, do you have a pen or a lighter?
You're a really interesting
person, Eleanor.
We should hang out sometime.
[melancholy music]
♪
Wow, your parents sucked.
Yeah, they did, and I've been using
their crappy parenting as an excuse
for my selfish behavior
all my life. No more.
We know what's right here.
We have to go back.
Ride-or-die.
[beeping, train chugging]
[beeping]
- [alarm chimes]
- Time is up.
In preparation for your trip
to the Bad Place,
please put on these fedoras.
Oh, no.
Well, no use delaying the inevitable.
We surrender. Together.
Chidi, Tahani,
we're back to save your souls.
[panting]
Real weird vibe in here.
Was definitely expecting some applause.
You're too late.
You... you missed the cut-off.
But we're here. We came here
as fast as we could, and we're here.
So...
now what?
[suspenseful music]
_
[groans]
What is the most logical decision?
I made my initial ruling.
I established a deadline.
The deadline was missed.
The original perpetrators are here.
This is exhausting.
I just want to go back to my
container of goo and go to sleep.
The Bad Place is owed two people.
In my opinion, which is
an objective fact in this case
and all cases always and forever,
you have all done bad things
since you arrived here,
therefore I don't care
which two of you go.
You can decide. You have 30 minutes.
Uh, don't I get to weigh in?
No. I am in charge of all matters here
for the next 30 minutes.
Bring me a list
of the frozen yogurt flavors.
We have some work to do there as well.
[indistinct chattering]
[phones ringing]
[indistinct chattering]
Morning, Mike. How's it hanging?
Oh. Fine, Dave, just fine.
I put your mail on your desk and
you have an appointment later
with the Director of Point Calculations.
Ugh.
Listen, we got the files
for the new crop of incoming,
and the Big Guy thinks it's time
for you to fly solo.
I get to design it myself?
You've been an apprentice
long enough. You're ready.
Oh, Dave, I'm gonna work so hard.
My design is gonna be
absolutely perfect.
[chuckles] Okay. Easy there, rookie.
Starting immediately, you'll be
out of my department.
You'll be reporting
directly to the front office.
This is your shot. Good luck.
[ethereal music]
_
♪
All I ever wanted was
for this neighborhood...
my first neighborhood to be perfect.
Somehow I blew it and...
well, you're all suffering,
and for that, I'm deeply sorry.
This is truly
the saddest day of my life.
[upbeat circus music playing]
[people cheering]
[ending fanfare]
[sighs]
Okay, I guess I'll speak first.
Jason and I are the mistakes.
We're the ones who misled everybody
and dragged you all
into this mess, so...
we should go to the Bad Place.
- Agreed.
- Yes.
Okay, I thought you were gonna
at least pretend
to fight me on that, but whatever.
Hang on. That judge guy just said
everyone here has done bad things.
Let's look at this ethnically.
For what I hope is the last time,
it is "ethically."
You guys helped me and Eleanor, right,
but we're bad,
so you helping us was bad.
It's basic consequentialism:
the morality of an action
is solely judged on its consequences.
[claps hands] Great. [laughs]
The one time you actually
remember something from class.
Maybe I was brought here by mistake,
but since we've been here, I just tried
to stay out of everyone's way.
Chidi's done worse stuff than me.
He murdered Janet. He killed my wife!
I was trying to stop you from doing it!
Yeah, but you did it.
He who smelt it murdered Janet.
Okay, well, it's settled then.
Eleanor and Jianyu are leaving.
For the last time, my name is Jason,
not Jianyu, the amazing
and incredible monk.
Which is why you belong
in the Bad Place.
And by the way, Janet is not your wife,
or your soul mate.
There's a Janet in every neighborhood.
Well, I'm in love with this Janet.
We did a bunch of amazing, awesome stuff
which almost turned out to be sex,
and we were married in a legal ceremony.
It was not legal.
Okay, J-bones, you and me, outside.
What? But...
I'm not going. I don't wanna.
I know you don't "wanna," goofball.
I don't wanna either, but let's face it.
Chidi and Tahani are
better people than we are.
We tried to improve ourselves
and you know what?
We did a good job.
Well, I did a good job.
You mostly fell asleep in class
or made fart noises with your hands.
- [making fart noises]
- I could never do that on Earth.
This place truly is paradise.
- Look at them.
- [sighs]
Whispering away like
two Beefeaters on a tea break.
I bet they're plotting against us.
No way. Eleanor wouldn't do that.
[clicks tongue] You do have
feelings for her, don't you?
I don't know. Yes.
But no. Please don't make me
think about this again.
My brain will break.
I'm sorry, it's just that
I have certain feelings for you.
You must see this.
The universe keeps
intertwining our fates.
It's meaningful, don't you think?
This whole...
romantic situation is such a mess.
I am vexed, Tahani. Vexed.
I'm sorry, I don't mean
to contribute to your misery,
it's just that I'm frightened.
I don't have an actual soul mate.
What's gonna happen to me
when Jason and Fake Eleanor go
and you're off with Real Eleanor?
Whither Tahani?
[claps hands] Okay, team meeting.
Jason has agreed that
the two of us should go.
- Bye, Tahani.
- [sad music]
Sorry for everything.
After I'm gone you can go ahead
and clean out my bud hole.
Thank you.
♪
I love you so much, baby.
Promise me you'll visit.
I will not.
It is literally impossible
for me to do that.
♪
Well, it's been real, dog.
Sorry, that's how I ended most
of my serious relationships.
Yeah, that checks out.
♪
I feel like I failed you.
No. Don't ever think that.
I was dropped into a cave,
and you were my flashlight.
Oh. Good-bye forever.
I will miss you so much.
I'll miss you too, you sexy skyscraper.
[both sniffling]
All right, ready to go?
Let's grab Michael.
[knocking at the door]
Come in.
Hi, guys. Sorry to interrupt.
Um, I'm going to the Bad Place.
I've taken one of the slots.
- What?
- Awesome.
I've been there, I know I can hack it.
Actually, I have kind of a rapport
with some of the fire monsters.
Eleanor, that's crazy. You belong here.
There's another reason.
Everyone here is
supposed to have a soul mate,
and my soul mate doesn't love me.
[sad music]
I don't know if you love
the other Eleanor
or Tahani or someone else,
but you don't love me,
which means that this...
will never really be my Good Place.
I'm going, so you only
have to choose one more person.
[door closes]
Okay, that means...
that means that... what does that mean?
It means...
I get to stay here with my wife forever!
We did it, Eleanor! USA! USA! USA!
USA! USA! Whoo-hoo!
This is so dope! I get to stay
You realize if you stay,
I still have to go, right?
Yes, but... I get to stay.
Good point, bud.
Well reasoned.
Wow, Chidi is a terrible writer.
This is a real mess, huh?
No matter what they decide,
I'd bet you're gonna be
in pretty hot water with your boss.
Wouldn't be surprised
if retirement were on the table.
Retirement?
Course, what do I know?
I'm just The All-Knowing Judge
of All Matters in the Afterlife.
But face it, this is your mistake.
- Morning, Mike.
- Morning, Val.
[groans] Which one's which?
I always forget.
Black is regular, orange is anti-matter.
Working on your first
solo design, right?
How's it coming?
Do you ever get the feeling
we could be doing it all...
differently?
I mean, it's always the same.
We get the names,
come up with the design, they arrive,
we move on to the next one.
We never even get to be there...
to see how fun it is.
Yeah, I guess, but don't
rock the boat here, pal,
just try to do a good job.
[playful music]
Mm. French vanilla?
Regular anti-matter's fine,
why flavor it?
♪
A good job.
♪
_
All right, nerds,
let's just get this over with.
I'll go to the Bad Place
with Real Eleanor,
- and you three can stay.
- Yes!
We get to stay, baby! We did it!
Wait, no.
You're not going.
I am.
- What?
- Why?
Real Eleanor is my soul mate...
or was my soul mate...
and she's only going down there
because she thinks
that I don't love her.
- Do you?
- I don't know.
Please don't ask me that.
My stomach hurts.
The point is, if she's going
down there because of me,
I'll never be at peace.
Yes! We get to stay, baby! We did it!
No, dude, this is bonkers.
I am going. End of story.
No, I'm going. End of everything.
What? Now you're trying
to replace Chidi?
No. I'm going to replace Real Eleanor.
Chidi and I are going to go together,
which means that you and
Real Eleanor and Jason can stay.
Yes! We get to stay, baby! We did it!
Look, I love you
and I think you love me.
We can be together,
away from everyone else.
Obviously, we'll be miserable,
but I truly believe
our love will make us happy.
Okay, you realize the Bad Place is not
some sort of couples retreat, right?
If it is, Janet and I would like to go.
I am going! And Real Eleanor is going!
No, I'm going with Real Eleanor!
No, I'm going with Chidi!
Me and Janet are staying, just FYI.
Oh, that's enough out of you,
robot lover.
- Hey, that's racist!
- Not a robot.
Oh, you have some nerve.
- [all talking at once]
- Guys?
[all talking at once]
Guys!
[groans]
[all talking at once]
[dramatic music]
♪
Holy motherforking shirtballs.
What?
Oh, man.
Wow!
[laughing] Okay, okay.
Uh, whoo!
Yo, Mikey! Shawn! Come on out!
Is everything okay?
Right as rain, Mikey my boy.
So, Chidi and I are gonna go
to the Bad Place.
- What?
- Trust me, I've got this.
That's our decision. Let's hit it.
Well, what about Real Eleanor?
No, it's me and Chidi. Call the train.
Point of order.
I don't accept this offer.
The real mistakes were
Jason and Eleanor.
Gah, gah, gah, gah!
You said any two of us.
It's me and Chidi. Let's do it to it.
Michael! I just found
an obscure precedent
in the rules
that might just save everyone.
Buzz off, Bambadjan! Don't need it.
Oh, okay. [chuckles]
[door closes]
Ready when you are, boss.
Eleanor, what's going on?
It took me a while to figure it out,
but just now as we were all
fighting and yelling at each other
and each one of us demanding
we should go to the Bad Place,
I thought to myself,
"Man, this is torture."
And then it hit me.
They're never gonna call a train
to take us to the Bad Place.
The can't, because we're already here.
This is the Bad Place.
[dramatic music]
[evil laugh]
Oh, man!
I can't believe you figured it out.
[laughs]
Oh, God!
Y-you ruined everything, you know that?
Oh, man.
Eleanor, you really suck!
- [gasps]
- I was so close to pulling it off!
[groans, stammering]
[sobs]
[ceramic crunches]
Sorry. So she's right?
Yeah, she figured it out.
No, this doesn't make any sense.
This is paradise.
Oh, it looks like paradise,
but it's actually a filthy dumpster
full of our worst anxieties.
I'm surrounded by people who are
literally better than me.
Just me being here forced Chidi
into an ethical "clusterfork."
Tahani tortured Jason
by constantly trying to get him to talk,
Jason tortured my because I was
sure he would blow our cover,
which was torture for Chidi,
because he was responsible for me,
which made Chidi seem
like the perfect soul mate,
and that tortured Tahani
because he didn't love her.
You don't love me?
Please, don't ask me that right now.
See?
We've been torturing each other
since the moment we arrived,
and everything Michael has done
has made at least one of us miserable.
I had to be his assistant
and try and find myself.
He convinced me to throw
my life's work in the garbage.
He made sure I'd see those
bogus neighborhood rankings
because he knew I'd hate
being second-to-last.
And I had the perfect bud hole
and no dudes to share it with.
He played us like a fiddle.
You gotta give it up.
Oh, dip!
Eleanor, I told you that first night
that we were in a prank show.
Oh, yeah.
You did! Great job, man.
[laughs]
Chidi, don't go!
I don't care if you don't
love me, I love you.
It's the only thing
that makes any sense to me
in this crazy world,
- and I think we should stay...
- No, stop, Vicky.
They figured it out.
- They...
- They know this is the Bad Place.
Eleanor figured it out.
[groans] Man!
This was supposed to be my big moment.
I just rehearsed that speech
for, like, three hours.
Damn it, Eleanor, you are the worst,
and you can all suck it.
Do you remember what I told you
when you predicted you could
do this for 1,000 years?
The time has come to innovate.
The human afterlife can be more fun.
For us, obviously, not
for the people we're torturing.
Who cares about those dummies?
[laughter]
I present to you the perfect recipe
for my proposed experiment.
Four people, perfectly suited
to make each other miserable.
I'm going to design an afterlife
where they torture each other.
We've tried this.
Humans are very reticent
to torture each other.
Even getting them to do simple things
like pulling out each other's
teeth is like...
I can't think of the right analogy.
What makes you think that you
can get them to do this?
Because they won't even know
that they are doing it.
I'm going to make them think
that they are in the Good Place,
and to make sure that they
drive each other insane,
I will be there, posing
as a Good Place architect.
What?
I even stole
a Good Place Janet we can use.
Ugh!
It can work.
- [scoffs]
- Look,
we can just send them all
to the hot spike pits
with the lava and the bees
and the lightning
that tears off their flesh.
Let's try something new.
Too many variables.
Too many moving parts.
That's what will make it fun.
I cannot predict everything
that's gonna happen,
but we'll improvise.
We'll... we'll be on our toes.
It'll be exciting.
I think that we can get them
to torture each other...
for 1,000 years.
I think you'll be lucky
to get six months
out of this insane gambit.
But take me through it.
How would this work, exactly?
Oh. Yes, all right, so...
[clears throat]
This is a 14 million-point plan.
Um... oh, sorry.
I thought we reserved
the conference room.
No, Todd, we have it until 3:00.
Sorry. Sorry, everyone.
So, Bambadjan and Gunnar and Shawn...
everyone else in this neighborhood...
Except for you four,
everyone in this neighborhood
is one of us.
After I came up
with everyone's characters,
we'd just create fun scenarios
designed to torture you.
How can I be over it?
We haven't discussed it
or even spoken for days.
Well, it sounds like you've had
a really nice vacation
from your full-time job.
Get your story straight.
Okay.
They're at each other's throats already.
This should put them over the top.
Ed, you play Bart, a former private eye.
- Ooh.
- Tracy, you're his soul mate,
Nina... a marriage counselor.
[both laughing]
Maybe we can get them to swing with us.
[laughter]
That's perfect, perfect!
Shh, shh, shh.
Hey, guys? It's Michael!
[groans]
That was really a fun time.
Then it all started to go off the rails.
When I confessed.
You had no idea I was gonna do that,
because honestly, I had
no idea I was gonna do that,
Yeah, that came out of nowhere.
I mean, after that it was just
a crazy scramble for all of us.
You know, I definitely underestimated
how effective Chidi was gonna be,
teaching you to be good,
and obviously, we didn't anticipate
that Janet would
fall in love with Jason.
Hang on. That part is real.
Oh, yeah. Janet isn't one of us.
No, she's sort of a...
foundational mainframe
for all of the neighborhoods,
good and bad.
And apparently, this Janet
is in love with Jason.
I mean... [laughs] What a world, huh?
Wait, I don't get something.
I know why Jason and I were
sent here, but why Tahani?
Oh, yeah. Didn't you raise,
like, $1,000 for charity, or whatever?
Uh, $60 billion, actually, so.
[playful music]
Oh.
But it didn't matter...
because my motivations were corrupt.
♪
I didn't care about helping
the people I raised the money for.
I just wanted to prove my parents wrong,
stick it to my sister,
get fame and attention.
My only real goal
was to snog Ryan Gosling
at the Met Ball.
Which I did.
Couple of times, actually.
But wait, why is Chidi here?
Well, uh...
there's something
you don't know about me.
I read an article saying
that growing almonds
was bad for the environment,
and yet I continued to use
- almond milk in my coffee...
- No, dingus!
You hurt everyone in your life
with your rigidity
and your indecisiveness.
[playful music]
Oh, fork!
You're right.
Every friend, every girlfriend
was driven nuts
because I couldn't do anything.
I missed my mom's back surgery
because I had already promised
my landlord's nephew
that I would help him
figure out his new phone.
I made everyone miserable.
Well, if it'll make you feel any better,
you were the closest to actually
getting in, up there.
You weren't that close.
You were just the closest.
That makes me feel worse, somehow.
Good. Thank you, Chidi.
I really needed to hear that right now.
I mean, all this hard work,
all the planning,
all for nothing.
This really sucks.
No, it doesn't.
This is wonderful.
You saw us all on Earth...
a selfish ass, an idiot DJ,
a tortured academic,
a hot, rich fraud with legs for days...
Side note, I might legit be into Tahani.
But that's for another time.
You thought we would torture each other,
and we did for a little,
but we also took care of each other.
We improved each other,
and the four of us became a team.
So, the only thing
you succeeded in doing
was bringing us all together.
Oh, Eleanor. That's it!
My big mistake was
bringing you all together,
having you be soul mates
living next to each other.
Next time, I'll spread you out
so it's more of a slow burn.
- Uh, next time?
- Yeah.
Yeah, I'm gonna erase your memories,
you know, make a few changes
and start over again.
Hopefully. Just gotta get
the boss man to sign off.
Wish me luck.
[dramatic music]
Guys, we need a plan. Quick.
Tahani, anything?
Chidi, I need ya. You're the smart one.
I-I can't. I-I can't.
- Jason?
- What? What's up?
Ugh!
What do you say? Take two, huh?
I don't know.
I mean, what is this?
All this work for four people,
and me, I'm wearing a judge's robe?
I feel like a real weenie.
Look, for a first attempt
it was actually very promising.
Let me... let me just tinker
a little, try again.
Okay.
But you're way out on a limb here, Mike.
If this thing goes sideways
again, you are done.
Guys, he is going to erase
our memories at any second
and all of this will have been
for nothing.
Ugh! You're useless!
[dramatic music]
What do I write? What do I write?
Ooh! Come on, brain.
♪
Janet?
You can't eat anything, right?
- Correct.
- Open up.
All right, let's try again, shall we?
You know what, bro? Do your worst.
We figured it out once,
we can do it again,
because you know what, Michael?
Ya bas...
[chimes tinkle]
_
[door opening]
Eleanor, come on in.
You, Eleanor Shellstrop, are dead.
Cool.
[upbeat music]
You know the way you feel when you see
a chimpanzee and a baby tiger
who've become friends?
[laughter]
That's how you're
going to feel every day.
♪
Your medical relief mission
to Kazakhstan,
that really put you over the top,
you got a ton of points for that.
Eleanor? I'm Chris Baker.
I'm your soul mate.
Cool. Bring it in, man.
So where are you from, Chris?
I'm from Teaneck, New Jersey,
and I was a mailman.
Really? [laughs]
Chris, you'll stand by me
no matter what, right?
Hold that thought.
Is it okay if I go work out?
I love working out. I gotta stay jacked,
it's... who I am.
Yeah, you gotta.
Once I'm back,
we'll get to know each other.
Great.
See ya soon.
- [door closes]
- [beep]
- Hi there.
- [gasps]
- Who are you?
- I'm Janet.
I think this is yours.
After I was rebooted,
I found it in my mouth.
What?
_
[dramatic music]
What the fork is a "Chidi"?
Why can't I say "fork"?
♪
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
♪ The end is near ♪
♪ And so I face ♪
♪ The final curtain ♪
- Ow! What the hell?
- Walk it off, Lululemon.
♪ I'll say it clear ♪
♪ I'll state my case ♪
♪ Of which I'm certain ♪
♪ I've lived ♪
♪ A life that's full ♪
♪ I traveled each and... ♪
"Live every day like it's your last."
Bite me. I'ma live forever, bitch.
Ma'am? It's $132.21.
So, big plans this weekend?
Yep.
I'm gonna sit alone in my house watching
wedding fails on YouTube,
drinking margaritas
through a Twizzlers straw
until I pass out
on top of my vibrator.
♪
Hi there. Do you have a second
to talk about the environment?
No. Buzz off, whale-humper.
You know, I see you here all the time,
and you're always mean to me,
and it really hurts my feelings.
It does? Because the minute
you're out of my line of sight,
I literally forget you exist.
Watch. You exist. You don't exist.
You're bothering me.
Don't care if you die.
- See?
- Why are you like this?
Excuse me? Why am I like this?
You don't know me, dude.
You don't know what I'm like.
Look what you made me do, jag-off.
- ♪ And did it my... ♪
- Oh, my God, look out!
- Uh-oh.
- ♪ Way ♪
[inhales sharply]
Oh, good, you're awake.
Can I ask you a question
about where we're going?
Sure.
Where are we going? I forgot.
We're going somewhere
that's not the Good Place,
and it's not the Bad Place.
We're going to a Medium Place.
Hmm, is there a 7-Eleven on the way?
'Cause Janet's powers aren't working,
and I want some gum
and some football cards
and some scratchy tickets.
- Go away from me.
- Okay.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
_
Can this train go any faster, Janet?
No pressure, but Jason and I
will literally be tortured
for all of eternity if we get caught.
Don't worry, there's no way to tell
we're going to Mindy St. Clair's house.
It'll be our sexy little secret.
Jason taught me about sexy things.
Oh, yeah? What things
did he say were sexy?
Lamborghinis, cool snakes,
spinning rims,
20,000 followers on Instagram,
girls with pigtails eating lollipops,
latex pants, Carl's Jr. ads, and sex.
Eh, some of those are right.
♪
I'm here to preside over case #00003
regarding the soul
of Eleanor Shellstrop.
The Bad Place has sent Bad Janet
to present their argument.
[tone chimes]
What up, ding-dongs?
Yeah, so basically, um,
the Fake Eleanor's a dirt bag,
and these jabronis
are gonna try and claim
she's less of a dirt bag now,
but she just stole your train,
and she still sucks bad.
And she belongs with us.
Oh, also, check this out.
[farting]
- Nailed it.
- [tone chimes]
I've ruled the fart
inadmissible as evidence.
What I will consider
is the recent development
- of Eleanor stealing my train.
- Now, hold on a second.
She stole your train to voluntarily
go down to the Bad Place.
She was sacrificing herself
because she is a wonderful, selfless...
- [crunching]
- No, don't... oh!
- What's happening?
- I should have warned you.
Shawn only cares about cold hard facts.
If he detects any feelings
in your voice,
he retreats into a cocoon,
so what we need to do now
is just be very still and very quiet.
[suspenseful music]
♪
[crunching]
- Finally.
- [crunching]
- Oh, come...
- What did he just say?
Oh, because you're all so perfect.
[suspenseful music]
♪
Wow.
So where does this Mindy St. Clair live?
I don't know. I'm out of range
of our neighborhood. I don't have any
- of my normal abilities here.
- Perfect. [sighs]
Well, let's try this way.
Ooh, I've never had to walk before.
This is fun.
Now I'm bored. Walking is dumb.
[light music]
♪
[hawk screeches]
Well, given that she's the only person
in the neighborhood,
I'm guessing this is the pl...
Oh! She's naked!
- [screams]
- Oh, sorry!
- [screams]
- [yells]
- [screams]
- [yells]
Who are you?
I'm Janet.
Hello, Mindy. My name is Beadie.
I'm from the Good Place,
and welcome to your first day
- in the afterlife.
- What's up, idiot?
Sorry I'm late, babe.
Hey, are you pregnant?
- That's not possible.
- Congrats.
Yeah, so, Mindy, look.
You mostly sucked,
but then you did this one good thing.
I mean, I still think
we should get you...
They didn't, but neither did we.
A compromise was made:
the neighborhood you are in now
by yourself.
You submitted a list
of things you wanted;
the Good Place provided those things.
Yeah, and the Bad Place
made some modifications.
We got you your favorite beer.
Yeah, but it's always warm.
On your jukebox, you'll find
every song ever sung.
Yeah, by The Eagles, and
it's only the live versions.
Also, there's some spoken word poetry
from William Shatner.
It's deeply terrible.
You get the idea.
Welcome to eternal mediocrity.
- Welcome to the Medium Place.
- So what's up?
What's your deal? Are you single?
- What's going on?
- [static crackles]
Sorry about before.
One of the perks of living alone
is that I get to just walk around naked.
[laughs] My kind of gal.
And I gotta say, you keep it tight.
Oh, that is the nicest and only thing
anyone has said to me in 30 years.
So tell us everything.
I mean, what did you do
- to end up here?
- That's kind of a long story.
- Gonna need a drink or three.
- Definitely my kind of gal.
You guys have fun.
This is me and Janet's
honeymoon, so we're gonna
go try and figure out
how to have sex.
So I was a hotshot
corporate lawyer in the 1980s.
I only cared about making money
and doing cocaine.
One night, I had an epiphany, right?
I needed to do something
good with my life.
So I drew up plans for this foundation
that would help kids all over the world,
would advance human rights,
revolutionize agriculture,
and just improve every nation
and every society
in every possible way.
- You were pretty coked-up, huh?
- Oh, yeah, man,
I was flying high. It was so awesome.
But... you're not gonna believe this...
I followed through. Yeah, I woke up
the next morning,
I went straight to the bank,
I withdrew my life savings,
and I was gonna start
- that charity.
- Good for you!
And then I immediately
fell into subway tracks
and was electrocuted by the third rail.
- Ooh...
- Honestly, not the type of rail
I thought was gonna kill me...
[chuckles]
'Cause I love cocaine. [laughs]
Do you have any?
I'm just... I shouldn't...
Do you?
- No.
- Oh, yeah. I mean, I was just...
I was just kidding. It was just a joke.
I mean, who would want
to do cocaine right now?
- Are you okay?
- Anyway, so after I died, uh,
my sister found my plan,
and she used my money
to start the Mindy St. Clair
Rescue Alliance, yeah.
It's actually the largest
relief aid charity in the world.
Oh, so the question was,
did you get credit
for all those good person points or not?
Exactly. I don't know how long
my case was pending or whatever,
but when I woke up, the two sides
had been fighting about me
for a long time.
[chuckles] Like a stripper over that
last bump of coke at the party,
if you know what I mean.
But anyway, they finally came to
this compromise, you know?
Well, it beats being tortured.
I was about to turn myself in.
No. Yeah, there's no time
for that morality nonsense, sweetheart.
This is about survival.
You gotta look out for number one.
Right, well, we don't have proof
that it doesn't cure Alzheimer's.
Eleanor, we've got a surprise for you.
Yeah, thanks, but I brought my own cake.
Oh, I know you've only
worked here a few weeks,
but we have this little office tradition
where we all pitch in, and then we...
Yeah, no, I get it. It's just, I know
what kind of cake I like.
Plus, it's Lisa's
birthday next week,
and if I let you give me a cake,
that means I gotta pitch in
to get Lisa a cake
and sing to her and wear
one of those dumb hats
you all are wearing right now.
No, thanks.
This way, I don't owe you anything,
you don't owe me anything. Later.
What were we talking about?
What is her deal? Why is she like this?
I don't know, but the meaner she is,
the more it turns me on. Is that weird?
- You're my boss.
- Oh, say that to me again,
but more disgusted with me,
like I'm a worm.
Eleanor was supposed to be
in the Bad Place,
arrived here by accident,
assumed another person's identity,
and has now escaped.
Is that the whole story?
Well, no. Someone else was
sent here by mistake.
His name is Jason Mendoza,
and I believe he's on
the train with Eleanor.
- You knew about Jason?
- Yes, I know
that he's a fake
and that he's married to Janet
and that this entire neighborhood is...
What's the human expression?
Ah, yes, a smokin' hot turd.
I will deal with Jason Mendoza later.
For now, I will hear
your arguments for why
Fake Eleanor Shellstrop
should stay in the Good Place.
We can do this,
but we must remain emotionless.
I'm talking "Kristen Stewart
on a red carpet"
level of emotionless here, all right?
Begin.
[deadpan] Eleanor dedicated herself
to the study of ethics.
I was blown away by her capacity
for self-improvement.
[deadpan] Eleanor
is a magnificent person
who has grown tremendously
in her time here.
[deadpan] Please,
I'm begging you, please.
[deadpan] Voluntarily heading
to the Bad Place proves
that she is a selfless person.
Sorry. I'm getting choked up.
Yes, voluntarily sacrificing herself
and heading to the Bad Place
would be a point in her favor.
However, I've just received word
that Eleanor is not currently
in the Bad Place.
We have no idea where she is.
- Well, what the...
- What?
- Fork!
- [crunching]
I will now review Eleanor's memories.
Her memories? As in, all the things
- she's done on Earth?
- Mm-hmm.
But perhaps we could
take a little break first.
You know, we've been at it for
a while, and you must be tired.
I've been asleep in goo for
the last 29 years, so I'm good.
Call up the screen for
Fake Eleanor Shellstrop, please.
Where should we begin,
"Waiters Screamed At"
or "Cyberbullying of Pregnant Woman
from Spin Class"?
[melancholy music]
♪
[door closes]
Hey, you wanna grab
a drink or something?
Uh, no, I kind of have
my own private time routine.
I thought you'd want company
after being here alone for so long.
- No.
- Okay, I get it.
Hey, uh, where did you get that?
That's not one of my books.
I only have Anne Rice vampire
novels with water stains,
and I've cut words out of most
of them to make pornography.
My friend in the Good Place
gave it to me
when he was teaching me ethics.
It reminds me of him.
Look, if you wanna survive,
you have to forget
what you left behind.
Take that whole experience,
crumple it up, throw it
in the garbage can.
Okay. Instead of reading,
I will watch this VHS copy
of "Cannonball Run II."
Or maybe "The Making
of 'Cannonball Run II.'"
Wow. Very medium.
Yeah.
Hey, you two lovebirds
figure out how to have sex yet?
No. We tried for two hours,
but there was just a lot of,
like, bumping into each other.
It was weird.
[speaking Spanish]
[air horn blares]
This ain't your bar mitzvah
anymore, bitch.
It's my 24th birthday! What!
Hot tiara, girl.
[air horn blares]
That was "The Crashing
and Subsequent Destruction
of Vanessa Garcia's Quinceañera."
Let's move on to another event.
"Heckling of Mall Santas"?
"Lifetime Ban
from Build-a-Bear Workshop"?
"Brief Instagram Flirtation
with Kid Rock"? Oh, no.
This is getting away from us.
We need to do something quickly.
Yeah, uh, Judge, request permission
to speak somewhat emotionally?
Ugh. Fine.
Dramamine.
Helps with the nausea. Proceed.
Okay, look, I know, obviously,
these memories aren't great.
I was particularly disturbed
by "Started Fire in Mailbox
to Get Mailman to Take Off
Shirt," but that
was the old Eleanor. She changed.
She worked and she studied
and she got better.
And it wasn't just self-preservation,
it was real self-improvement.
I made the decision to help
Eleanor that first week,
and I'm glad I did.
Because she's worth it.
I, too, helped Eleanor.
Not as much as Chidi, surely,
but my help was more friendship
and sorely needed fashion advice.
Eleanor deserves to stay.
Thank you for these testimonials.
A ruling has been reached.
Oh, you want to hear it.
I forgot how needy humans are.
[clears throat]
Eleanor Shellstrop is a bad person.
The progress she has made
does not offset her actions on Earth.
She deserves to be in the Bad Place.
- Oh!
- As concerning Jason Mendoza,
I have heard no statements
nor seen any evidence
to suggest... oh, he's from Florida?
Yeah, he belongs in the Bad Place.
No, but how do you intend
to enforce this ruling?
You have no idea where they are.
Bad Janet?
- [tone chimes]
- What's up, fork nuts?
Engage walkie-talkie protocol.
[electronic warbling]
♪
What if you're here, and I'm like this?
Yes, that may work.
[beeping, electronic blaring]
Whoa, what is happening?
Is she having an orgasm?
Did I do it somehow?
Attention Eleanor Shellstrop
and Jason Mendoza.
This is the Almighty Judge
on High of All Beings
Living and Dead for All Eternity.
My name's Shawn.
We do not know where you are
but hope you are receiving this message.
You have been found to be the
rightful property of the Bad Place.
Either return
to your original neighborhood,
or your accomplices Chidi Anagonye
and Tahani Al-Jamil
will go to the Bad Place in your stead.
- What?
- What?
You have four hours. Good-bye.
Your Honor, please,
Chidi and Tahani
are completely innocent.
They are not completely innocent.
They told me so themselves.
They aided and abetted two criminals,
one of whom was a DJ.
They're gonna send Chidi and Tahani
to the Bad Place?
We're off the hook, this is amazing!
Babe, we are going to be trying
to make love all night long.
We don't have to go back, though.
- they just said.
- We can't let Tahani and Chidi
go to the Bad Place.
They're our friends.
- We literally owe it to them.
- If they're really
our "friends," then why aren't
they here with us right "now"?
Because we ran away. Are you...
Does your brain work, actually?
Do you have a functioning head?
I think he has a good point.
I wouldn't go back for those turkeys.
How can you say that?
Think practically here.
Okay, you go back,
you turn yourself in,
you get sent to the Bad Place,
and you never see your friends again.
Or you stay here, you're safe
from the Bad Place,
and you never see your friends again.
It's the same results,
except if you stay here,
you don't get tortured.
- But they do.
- That's their problem.
Your problem is whether
you get tortured.
Now if you'll excuse me,
it's my masturbating time.
When isn't it? We're going back.
- But...
- Now.
[dramatic music]
Can we even make it there in time?
I believe so, though it'll be close.
- Where's Jason?
- Heads up!
Sorry, Eleanor,
but I can't let us leave.
[slow motion] Bortles!
[dramatic music]
No!
♪
[clink]
What are you doing, you goon?
Trying to blow up the train.
Blowing stuff up got me
out of so many jams on Earth.
Let me try again.
Do... do you have another bottle?
Hi there, since there's
no Janet here to serve you,
I brought you two a little treat.
- Ah, kind of like a last meal.
- Not like a last meal,
just, uh, the final food
you might ever eat.
I'm gonna miss these little perks
when I'm down in the Bad Place,
being forced to wear a...
a knock-off handbag and drink tap water.
- That's what you think hell is?
- Ugh.
Janet, please, we have to go.
I won't start the train
until my husband says it's okay.
I'm sorry, Eleanor, but I engaged
a ride-or-die protocol
so I'm loyal to Jason forever.
Buddy...
Come on, we gotta go.
I don't wanna go to the Bad Place.
It's scary, like
the movie "Ratatouille."
- What?
- Yo, I ain't trying
to have rats living
in my hat and pulling my hair
to get me to do stuff.
I'm scared too.
But we can't just abandon
our friends and let them
take the fall for us.
Sure we can.
It would be so easy to do that.
We'd just go back to
Mindy's house, chill out...
I'd get used to room-temperature beer.
Me and Janet keep trying
to solve the problem
of how to have sex,
which could take years.
Yeah, yeah.
Let's just pretend that we didn't hear
the Janet walkie-talkie message.
No, it's time to own up, dude.
I spent my whole life acting like Mindy,
me first, no matter what,
and it literally took dying
and being around a bunch
of good people to realize
that I was kind of a nightmare.
Why were you like that?
Well...
let me tell you about
Doug and Donna Shellstrop.
Hey, Dad, just a warning,
Mom's gonna be here in a second.
Ugh, your mother's coming?
Oh, boy, hide the silverware.
You mean the silverware
you stole from Mom?
Yeah, but she keeps trying
to steal it back.
I drove here as fast as I could.
You scored free WrestleMania tickets?
There are no tickets, Mom.
I knew that was
the only way I could get you here.
Ah-ha! Burn.
Eleanor, just because your father and I
are divorced does not mean
you can disrespect me
like this, okay? We are a family.
Whose birthday is it?
- Mine.
- Are you serious? No way.
That was a B.S. foul on Chapman.
And since you both forgot,
again, which means
you definitely didn't
get me a present, again,
I got myself something.
I just need you to sign it.
Emancipation papers? Honey!
What does "emancipation" mean?
It means I'll be on my own.
All my life, I've been taking
care of myself and you guys.
I work two after-school jobs
because you blew half
my college fund bailing
your boyfriend out of jail.
So irresponsible.
And you blew the other half
trying to frame her boyfriend.
It was so stupid.
He was already guilty, dumbass.
I've been on my own
for a while now anyway,
and after you sign these papers,
it'll be official.
I won't owe you anything;
you won't owe me anything.
Well, if you want me to sign...
oh, that's a joint.
Uh, do you have a pen or a lighter?
You're a really interesting
person, Eleanor.
We should hang out sometime.
[melancholy music]
♪
Wow, your parents sucked.
Yeah, they did, and I've been using
their crappy parenting as an excuse
for my selfish behavior
all my life. No more.
We know what's right here.
We have to go back.
Ride-or-die.
[beeping, train chugging]
[beeping]
- [alarm chimes]
- Time is up.
In preparation for your trip
to the Bad Place,
please put on these fedoras.
Oh, no.
Well, no use delaying the inevitable.
We surrender. Together.
Chidi, Tahani,
we're back to save your souls.
[panting]
Real weird vibe in here.
Was definitely expecting some applause.
You're too late.
You... you missed the cut-off.
But we're here. We came here
as fast as we could, and we're here.
So...
now what?
[suspenseful music]
_
[groans]
What is the most logical decision?
I made my initial ruling.
I established a deadline.
The deadline was missed.
The original perpetrators are here.
This is exhausting.
I just want to go back to my
container of goo and go to sleep.
The Bad Place is owed two people.
In my opinion, which is
an objective fact in this case
and all cases always and forever,
you have all done bad things
since you arrived here,
therefore I don't care
which two of you go.
You can decide. You have 30 minutes.
Uh, don't I get to weigh in?
No. I am in charge of all matters here
for the next 30 minutes.
Bring me a list
of the frozen yogurt flavors.
We have some work to do there as well.
[indistinct chattering]
[phones ringing]
[indistinct chattering]
Morning, Mike. How's it hanging?
Oh. Fine, Dave, just fine.
I put your mail on your desk and
you have an appointment later
with the Director of Point Calculations.
Ugh.
Listen, we got the files
for the new crop of incoming,
and the Big Guy thinks it's time
for you to fly solo.
I get to design it myself?
You've been an apprentice
long enough. You're ready.
Oh, Dave, I'm gonna work so hard.
My design is gonna be
absolutely perfect.
[chuckles] Okay. Easy there, rookie.
Starting immediately, you'll be
out of my department.
You'll be reporting
directly to the front office.
This is your shot. Good luck.
[ethereal music]
_
♪
All I ever wanted was
for this neighborhood...
my first neighborhood to be perfect.
Somehow I blew it and...
well, you're all suffering,
and for that, I'm deeply sorry.
This is truly
the saddest day of my life.
[upbeat circus music playing]
[people cheering]
[ending fanfare]
[sighs]
Okay, I guess I'll speak first.
Jason and I are the mistakes.
We're the ones who misled everybody
and dragged you all
into this mess, so...
we should go to the Bad Place.
- Agreed.
- Yes.
Okay, I thought you were gonna
at least pretend
to fight me on that, but whatever.
Hang on. That judge guy just said
everyone here has done bad things.
Let's look at this ethnically.
For what I hope is the last time,
it is "ethically."
You guys helped me and Eleanor, right,
but we're bad,
so you helping us was bad.
It's basic consequentialism:
the morality of an action
is solely judged on its consequences.
[claps hands] Great. [laughs]
The one time you actually
remember something from class.
Maybe I was brought here by mistake,
but since we've been here, I just tried
to stay out of everyone's way.
Chidi's done worse stuff than me.
He murdered Janet. He killed my wife!
I was trying to stop you from doing it!
Yeah, but you did it.
He who smelt it murdered Janet.
Okay, well, it's settled then.
Eleanor and Jianyu are leaving.
For the last time, my name is Jason,
not Jianyu, the amazing
and incredible monk.
Which is why you belong
in the Bad Place.
And by the way, Janet is not your wife,
or your soul mate.
There's a Janet in every neighborhood.
Well, I'm in love with this Janet.
We did a bunch of amazing, awesome stuff
which almost turned out to be sex,
and we were married in a legal ceremony.
It was not legal.
Okay, J-bones, you and me, outside.
What? But...
I'm not going. I don't wanna.
I know you don't "wanna," goofball.
I don't wanna either, but let's face it.
Chidi and Tahani are
better people than we are.
We tried to improve ourselves
and you know what?
We did a good job.
Well, I did a good job.
You mostly fell asleep in class
or made fart noises with your hands.
- [making fart noises]
- I could never do that on Earth.
This place truly is paradise.
- Look at them.
- [sighs]
Whispering away like
two Beefeaters on a tea break.
I bet they're plotting against us.
No way. Eleanor wouldn't do that.
[clicks tongue] You do have
feelings for her, don't you?
I don't know. Yes.
But no. Please don't make me
think about this again.
My brain will break.
I'm sorry, it's just that
I have certain feelings for you.
You must see this.
The universe keeps
intertwining our fates.
It's meaningful, don't you think?
This whole...
romantic situation is such a mess.
I am vexed, Tahani. Vexed.
I'm sorry, I don't mean
to contribute to your misery,
it's just that I'm frightened.
I don't have an actual soul mate.
What's gonna happen to me
when Jason and Fake Eleanor go
and you're off with Real Eleanor?
Whither Tahani?
[claps hands] Okay, team meeting.
Jason has agreed that
the two of us should go.
- Bye, Tahani.
- [sad music]
Sorry for everything.
After I'm gone you can go ahead
and clean out my bud hole.
Thank you.
♪
I love you so much, baby.
Promise me you'll visit.
I will not.
It is literally impossible
for me to do that.
♪
Well, it's been real, dog.
Sorry, that's how I ended most
of my serious relationships.
Yeah, that checks out.
♪
I feel like I failed you.
No. Don't ever think that.
I was dropped into a cave,
and you were my flashlight.
Oh. Good-bye forever.
I will miss you so much.
I'll miss you too, you sexy skyscraper.
[both sniffling]
All right, ready to go?
Let's grab Michael.
[knocking at the door]
Come in.
Hi, guys. Sorry to interrupt.
Um, I'm going to the Bad Place.
I've taken one of the slots.
- What?
- Awesome.
I've been there, I know I can hack it.
Actually, I have kind of a rapport
with some of the fire monsters.
Eleanor, that's crazy. You belong here.
There's another reason.
Everyone here is
supposed to have a soul mate,
and my soul mate doesn't love me.
[sad music]
I don't know if you love
the other Eleanor
or Tahani or someone else,
but you don't love me,
which means that this...
will never really be my Good Place.
I'm going, so you only
have to choose one more person.
[door closes]
Okay, that means...
that means that... what does that mean?
It means...
I get to stay here with my wife forever!
We did it, Eleanor! USA! USA! USA!
USA! USA! Whoo-hoo!
This is so dope! I get to stay
You realize if you stay,
I still have to go, right?
Yes, but... I get to stay.
Good point, bud.
Well reasoned.
Wow, Chidi is a terrible writer.
This is a real mess, huh?
No matter what they decide,
I'd bet you're gonna be
in pretty hot water with your boss.
Wouldn't be surprised
if retirement were on the table.
Retirement?
Course, what do I know?
I'm just The All-Knowing Judge
of All Matters in the Afterlife.
But face it, this is your mistake.
- Morning, Mike.
- Morning, Val.
[groans] Which one's which?
I always forget.
Black is regular, orange is anti-matter.
Working on your first
solo design, right?
How's it coming?
Do you ever get the feeling
we could be doing it all...
differently?
I mean, it's always the same.
We get the names,
come up with the design, they arrive,
we move on to the next one.
We never even get to be there...
to see how fun it is.
Yeah, I guess, but don't
rock the boat here, pal,
just try to do a good job.
[playful music]
Mm. French vanilla?
Regular anti-matter's fine,
why flavor it?
♪
A good job.
♪
_
All right, nerds,
let's just get this over with.
I'll go to the Bad Place
with Real Eleanor,
- and you three can stay.
- Yes!
We get to stay, baby! We did it!
Wait, no.
You're not going.
I am.
- What?
- Why?
Real Eleanor is my soul mate...
or was my soul mate...
and she's only going down there
because she thinks
that I don't love her.
- Do you?
- I don't know.
Please don't ask me that.
My stomach hurts.
The point is, if she's going
down there because of me,
I'll never be at peace.
Yes! We get to stay, baby! We did it!
No, dude, this is bonkers.
I am going. End of story.
No, I'm going. End of everything.
What? Now you're trying
to replace Chidi?
No. I'm going to replace Real Eleanor.
Chidi and I are going to go together,
which means that you and
Real Eleanor and Jason can stay.
Yes! We get to stay, baby! We did it!
Look, I love you
and I think you love me.
We can be together,
away from everyone else.
Obviously, we'll be miserable,
but I truly believe
our love will make us happy.
Okay, you realize the Bad Place is not
some sort of couples retreat, right?
If it is, Janet and I would like to go.
I am going! And Real Eleanor is going!
No, I'm going with Real Eleanor!
No, I'm going with Chidi!
Me and Janet are staying, just FYI.
Oh, that's enough out of you,
robot lover.
- Hey, that's racist!
- Not a robot.
Oh, you have some nerve.
- [all talking at once]
- Guys?
[all talking at once]
Guys!
[groans]
[all talking at once]
[dramatic music]
♪
Holy motherforking shirtballs.
What?
Oh, man.
Wow!
[laughing] Okay, okay.
Uh, whoo!
Yo, Mikey! Shawn! Come on out!
Is everything okay?
Right as rain, Mikey my boy.
So, Chidi and I are gonna go
to the Bad Place.
- What?
- Trust me, I've got this.
That's our decision. Let's hit it.
Well, what about Real Eleanor?
No, it's me and Chidi. Call the train.
Point of order.
I don't accept this offer.
The real mistakes were
Jason and Eleanor.
Gah, gah, gah, gah!
You said any two of us.
It's me and Chidi. Let's do it to it.
Michael! I just found
an obscure precedent
in the rules
that might just save everyone.
Buzz off, Bambadjan! Don't need it.
Oh, okay. [chuckles]
[door closes]
Ready when you are, boss.
Eleanor, what's going on?
It took me a while to figure it out,
but just now as we were all
fighting and yelling at each other
and each one of us demanding
we should go to the Bad Place,
I thought to myself,
"Man, this is torture."
And then it hit me.
They're never gonna call a train
to take us to the Bad Place.
The can't, because we're already here.
This is the Bad Place.
[dramatic music]
[evil laugh]
Oh, man!
I can't believe you figured it out.
[laughs]
Oh, God!
Y-you ruined everything, you know that?
Oh, man.
Eleanor, you really suck!
- [gasps]
- I was so close to pulling it off!
[groans, stammering]
[sobs]
[ceramic crunches]
Sorry. So she's right?
Yeah, she figured it out.
No, this doesn't make any sense.
This is paradise.
Oh, it looks like paradise,
but it's actually a filthy dumpster
full of our worst anxieties.
I'm surrounded by people who are
literally better than me.
Just me being here forced Chidi
into an ethical "clusterfork."
Tahani tortured Jason
by constantly trying to get him to talk,
Jason tortured my because I was
sure he would blow our cover,
which was torture for Chidi,
because he was responsible for me,
which made Chidi seem
like the perfect soul mate,
and that tortured Tahani
because he didn't love her.
You don't love me?
Please, don't ask me that right now.
See?
We've been torturing each other
since the moment we arrived,
and everything Michael has done
has made at least one of us miserable.
I had to be his assistant
and try and find myself.
He convinced me to throw
my life's work in the garbage.
He made sure I'd see those
bogus neighborhood rankings
because he knew I'd hate
being second-to-last.
And I had the perfect bud hole
and no dudes to share it with.
He played us like a fiddle.
You gotta give it up.
Oh, dip!
Eleanor, I told you that first night
that we were in a prank show.
Oh, yeah.
You did! Great job, man.
[laughs]
Chidi, don't go!
I don't care if you don't
love me, I love you.
It's the only thing
that makes any sense to me
in this crazy world,
- and I think we should stay...
- No, stop, Vicky.
They figured it out.
- They...
- They know this is the Bad Place.
Eleanor figured it out.
[groans] Man!
This was supposed to be my big moment.
I just rehearsed that speech
for, like, three hours.
Damn it, Eleanor, you are the worst,
and you can all suck it.
Do you remember what I told you
when you predicted you could
do this for 1,000 years?
The time has come to innovate.
The human afterlife can be more fun.
For us, obviously, not
for the people we're torturing.
Who cares about those dummies?
[laughter]
I present to you the perfect recipe
for my proposed experiment.
Four people, perfectly suited
to make each other miserable.
I'm going to design an afterlife
where they torture each other.
We've tried this.
Humans are very reticent
to torture each other.
Even getting them to do simple things
like pulling out each other's
teeth is like...
I can't think of the right analogy.
What makes you think that you
can get them to do this?
Because they won't even know
that they are doing it.
I'm going to make them think
that they are in the Good Place,
and to make sure that they
drive each other insane,
I will be there, posing
as a Good Place architect.
What?
I even stole
a Good Place Janet we can use.
Ugh!
It can work.
- [scoffs]
- Look,
we can just send them all
to the hot spike pits
with the lava and the bees
and the lightning
that tears off their flesh.
Let's try something new.
Too many variables.
Too many moving parts.
That's what will make it fun.
I cannot predict everything
that's gonna happen,
but we'll improvise.
We'll... we'll be on our toes.
It'll be exciting.
I think that we can get them
to torture each other...
for 1,000 years.
I think you'll be lucky
to get six months
out of this insane gambit.
But take me through it.
How would this work, exactly?
Oh. Yes, all right, so...
[clears throat]
This is a 14 million-point plan.
Um... oh, sorry.
I thought we reserved
the conference room.
No, Todd, we have it until 3:00.
Sorry. Sorry, everyone.
So, Bambadjan and Gunnar and Shawn...
everyone else in this neighborhood...
Except for you four,
everyone in this neighborhood
is one of us.
After I came up
with everyone's characters,
we'd just create fun scenarios
designed to torture you.
How can I be over it?
We haven't discussed it
or even spoken for days.
Well, it sounds like you've had
a really nice vacation
from your full-time job.
Get your story straight.
Okay.
They're at each other's throats already.
This should put them over the top.
Ed, you play Bart, a former private eye.
- Ooh.
- Tracy, you're his soul mate,
Nina... a marriage counselor.
[both laughing]
Maybe we can get them to swing with us.
[laughter]
That's perfect, perfect!
Shh, shh, shh.
Hey, guys? It's Michael!
[groans]
That was really a fun time.
Then it all started to go off the rails.
When I confessed.
You had no idea I was gonna do that,
because honestly, I had
no idea I was gonna do that,
Yeah, that came out of nowhere.
I mean, after that it was just
a crazy scramble for all of us.
You know, I definitely underestimated
how effective Chidi was gonna be,
teaching you to be good,
and obviously, we didn't anticipate
that Janet would
fall in love with Jason.
Hang on. That part is real.
Oh, yeah. Janet isn't one of us.
No, she's sort of a...
foundational mainframe
for all of the neighborhoods,
good and bad.
And apparently, this Janet
is in love with Jason.
I mean... [laughs] What a world, huh?
Wait, I don't get something.
I know why Jason and I were
sent here, but why Tahani?
Oh, yeah. Didn't you raise,
like, $1,000 for charity, or whatever?
Uh, $60 billion, actually, so.
[playful music]
Oh.
But it didn't matter...
because my motivations were corrupt.
♪
I didn't care about helping
the people I raised the money for.
I just wanted to prove my parents wrong,
stick it to my sister,
get fame and attention.
My only real goal
was to snog Ryan Gosling
at the Met Ball.
Which I did.
Couple of times, actually.
But wait, why is Chidi here?
Well, uh...
there's something
you don't know about me.
I read an article saying
that growing almonds
was bad for the environment,
and yet I continued to use
- almond milk in my coffee...
- No, dingus!
You hurt everyone in your life
with your rigidity
and your indecisiveness.
[playful music]
Oh, fork!
You're right.
Every friend, every girlfriend
was driven nuts
because I couldn't do anything.
I missed my mom's back surgery
because I had already promised
my landlord's nephew
that I would help him
figure out his new phone.
I made everyone miserable.
Well, if it'll make you feel any better,
you were the closest to actually
getting in, up there.
You weren't that close.
You were just the closest.
That makes me feel worse, somehow.
Good. Thank you, Chidi.
I really needed to hear that right now.
I mean, all this hard work,
all the planning,
all for nothing.
This really sucks.
No, it doesn't.
This is wonderful.
You saw us all on Earth...
a selfish ass, an idiot DJ,
a tortured academic,
a hot, rich fraud with legs for days...
Side note, I might legit be into Tahani.
But that's for another time.
You thought we would torture each other,
and we did for a little,
but we also took care of each other.
We improved each other,
and the four of us became a team.
So, the only thing
you succeeded in doing
was bringing us all together.
Oh, Eleanor. That's it!
My big mistake was
bringing you all together,
having you be soul mates
living next to each other.
Next time, I'll spread you out
so it's more of a slow burn.
- Uh, next time?
- Yeah.
Yeah, I'm gonna erase your memories,
you know, make a few changes
and start over again.
Hopefully. Just gotta get
the boss man to sign off.
Wish me luck.
[dramatic music]
Guys, we need a plan. Quick.
Tahani, anything?
Chidi, I need ya. You're the smart one.
I-I can't. I-I can't.
- Jason?
- What? What's up?
Ugh!
What do you say? Take two, huh?
I don't know.
I mean, what is this?
All this work for four people,
and me, I'm wearing a judge's robe?
I feel like a real weenie.
Look, for a first attempt
it was actually very promising.
Let me... let me just tinker
a little, try again.
Okay.
But you're way out on a limb here, Mike.
If this thing goes sideways
again, you are done.
Guys, he is going to erase
our memories at any second
and all of this will have been
for nothing.
Ugh! You're useless!
[dramatic music]
What do I write? What do I write?
Ooh! Come on, brain.
♪
Janet?
You can't eat anything, right?
- Correct.
- Open up.
All right, let's try again, shall we?
You know what, bro? Do your worst.
We figured it out once,
we can do it again,
because you know what, Michael?
Ya bas...
[chimes tinkle]
_
[door opening]
Eleanor, come on in.
You, Eleanor Shellstrop, are dead.
Cool.
[upbeat music]
You know the way you feel when you see
a chimpanzee and a baby tiger
who've become friends?
[laughter]
That's how you're
going to feel every day.
♪
Your medical relief mission
to Kazakhstan,
that really put you over the top,
you got a ton of points for that.
Eleanor? I'm Chris Baker.
I'm your soul mate.
Cool. Bring it in, man.
So where are you from, Chris?
I'm from Teaneck, New Jersey,
and I was a mailman.
Really? [laughs]
Chris, you'll stand by me
no matter what, right?
Hold that thought.
Is it okay if I go work out?
I love working out. I gotta stay jacked,
it's... who I am.
Yeah, you gotta.
Once I'm back,
we'll get to know each other.
Great.
See ya soon.
- [door closes]
- [beep]
- Hi there.
- [gasps]
- Who are you?
- I'm Janet.
I think this is yours.
After I was rebooted,
I found it in my mouth.
What?
_
[dramatic music]
What the fork is a "Chidi"?
Why can't I say "fork"?
♪
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com