The Good Place (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

_

Eleanor?

Come on in.

Hi, Eleanor. I'm Michael.

How are you today?

I'm great.

Thanks for asking.

Oh, one question.

Where am I? Who are you?
And what's going on?

Right, so,

you, Eleanor Shellstrop,



are dead.

Your life on Earth has ended,

and you are now in the next phase

of your existence in the universe.

Cool.

Cool. I have some questions.

Thought you might.

How did I die?

I-I don't remember.

Yes, um,

in cases of traumatic
or embarrassing deaths,

we erase the memory to allow
for a peaceful transition.

Are you sure you want to hear?

All right, so you were
in a grocery store parking lot.



You dropped a bottle of something called

"Lonely Gal Margarita Mix for One."

And when you bent down to pick it up,

a long column of shopping carts

that were being returned to the
shopping cart collection area

rolled out of control
and plowed right into you.

Oof.

That's how I died?

No, sorry, there's more.

You were able to grab on

to the front of the column
of shopping carts,

but it swept you
right out into the street

where you were struck and killed

by a mobile billboard truck advertising

an erectile dysfunction pill
called "Engorge-ulate."

Funnily enough, the first EMT to arrive

was an ex-boyfriend of yours...

Okay, that's... I get it, thank you.

Oh, okay, sorry.

Um, so who was right?

I mean about all of this?

Well, let's see.
Hindus are a little bit right,

Muslims a little bit.

Jews, Christians, Buddhists,

every religion guessed about 5%,

except for Doug Forcett.

Who... who's Doug Forcett?

Well, Doug was a stoner kid

who lived in Calgary during the 1970s.

One night, he got
really high on mushrooms,

and his best friend, Randy, said,

"Hey, what do you think
happens after we die?"

And Doug just launched
into this long monologue

where he got like 92% correct.

I mean, we couldn't believe
what we were hearing.

That's him, actually, right up there.

He's pretty famous around here.

I'm very lucky to have that.

So...

Maybe my biggest question:

am I...

I mean, is this...

Or...

Well, it's not the

heaven or hell idea
that you were raised on.

But generally speaking,

in the afterlife, there's a Good Place

and there's a Bad Place.

You're in the Good Place.

You're okay, Eleanor.

You're in the Good Place.

Well, that's good.

Sure is.

Okay, let's take a walk, shall we?

Oh, did I have a purse?

No, I'm dead, right. Okay.

So this is how it works.

The Good Place is divided
into distinct neighborhoods.

Each one contains exactly 322 people

who have been perfectly selected

to blend together into
a blissful harmonic balance.

Do all the neighborhoods look like this?

No, every neighborhood is unique.

Some have warm weather, some cold.

Some are cities, some farmland.

But in each one, every blade of grass,

every ladybug,

every detail has been

precisely designed and calibrated

for its residents.

There's a lot of frozen yogurt places.

Yeah.

That's the one thing we put
in all the neighborhoods.

People love frozen yogurt.

I don't know what to tell you.

You're gonna have a million
more questions, I know.

For right now,

better grab a seat.

Movie's about to begin.

- Ah. Hello, everyone.
- _

And welcome to your first day
in the afterlife.

You were all, simply put, good people.

But how do we know that you were good?

How are we sure?

- During your time on Earth,
- _

every one of your actions

had a positive or a negative value,

depending on how much good or bad

that action put into the universe.

- Every sandwich you ate,
- _

- every time you bought a magazine,
- _

every single thing you did

had an effect that rippled out over time

and ultimately created
some amount of good or bad.

You know how some people
pull into the breakdown lane

when there's traffic?

And they think to themselves,

"Ah, who cares? No one's watching."

We were watching.

Surprise.

Anyway, when your time
on Earth has ended,

we calculate
the total value of your life

using our perfectly accurate
measuring system.

Only the people
with the very highest scores,

the true cream of the crop,

get to come here, to the Good Place.

What happens to everyone else, you ask?

Don't worry about it.

The point is, you are here
because you lived

one of the very best lives

that could be lived.

And you won't be alone.

Your true soul mate is here too.

That's right.

Soul mates are real.

One of the other people
in your neighborhood

is your actual soul mate,

and you will spend eternity together.

So welcome to eternal happiness.

Welcome to the Good Place.

Sponsored by:

otters holding hands while they sleep.

You know the way you feel when you see

a picture of two otters holding hands?

That's how you're gonna feel every day.

So who is in the Bad Place,
that would shock me?

Uh, well, Mozart,

Picasso, Elvis,

basically every artist ever,

uh, every U.S. president except Lincoln.

That sounds about right.

What about Florence Nightingale?

That was close,
but, no, she didn't make it.

Wow, all those amazing people

down there, it just seems
so hard to believe.

Again, it's an incredibly
selective system.

Most people don't make it here.

But you, a lawyer who got
innocent people off death row,

you're special, Eleanor.

And by the way,

welcome to your new home.

Oh, it's perfect, isn't it?

You see, in the Good Place,

every person gets to live in a home

that perfectly matches
his or her true essence.

Cool.

So I guess that's why
my house, for example,

is this adorable little cottage,

whereas other people might
have homes that are bigger,

like that one.

Exactly.

Oh, I'm so happy you get it.

As you can see, the interior has been

decorated just as you like it,

in the Icelandic primitive style.

Oh, oh, and, uh, of course,

you love clowns, so...

I do love clowns.

Now, let me show you the, uh...

the video system here.

You can review everything
that happened in your life

from your point of view.

There we go.

This is your Human Rights
mission to the Ukraine.

I mean, you got
a ton of points for that one.

It really put you over the top.

Oh.

Chidi, come on in.

Eleanor?

I'm Chidi Anagonye,

and you are my soul mate.

Cool, bring it in, man.

Now, excuse me.

I have other people to attend to.

So where you from, Chidi?

Well, I was born in Nigeria,

raised in Senegal,

but my work took me
all over the place...

Australia, Hong Kong, Paris.

What about you?

Uh, well, I... I was born in Phoenix.

- Mm-hmm.
- Arizona.

And then I went to school
in Tempe, Arizona.

And then I moved back
to Phoenix, Arizona.

Your English is amazing.

Oh!

I'm actually speaking French.

This place just translates
whatever you say

into a language
the other person can understand.

- So it's incredible.
- Whoa.

And now I want to say this.

Mm-kay.

Eleanor.

I have spent my entire life

in pursuit of fundamental truths
about the universe.

And now we can actually learn about them

together as soul mates.

It's overwhelming.

Chidi.

You'll stand by my side
no matter what, right?

Of course I will.

Promise me. Say, "I promise

I will never betray you for any reason."

Eleanor, I swear

that I will never say or do anything

to cause you any harm.

Good.

Because those aren't my memories.

I wasn't a lawyer.
I never went to the Ukraine.

I hate clowns.

There's been a big mistake.

I'm not supposed to be here.

Wait, what?

Are you sure this isn't you?

Yeah, man, I'm pretty sure

I wasn't a death row lawyer

who collected clown paintings

and rescued orphans.

They got my name right,
but nothing else.

I mean, somebody royally forked up.

Somebody forked up.

Why can't I say "fork"?

If you're trying to curse,
you can't here.

I guess a lot of people
in this neighborhood

don't like it, so it's prohibited.

That's bullshirt.

So, uh, if you're not this person,

then who are you?

What did you do for a living?

I was... in...

sales.

So we sell two products here,

NasaPRO and NasaPRO Silver.

We aim this at seniors.

Now, you can't legally call it medicine

because it doesn't technically work

and it is technically chalk,

so what you're gonna want to do...

You need me to lie to old people

and scare them
into buying fake medicine.

I get it, man. Which one's my desk?

So your job

was to defraud the elderly?

Sorry... the sick and elderly?

But I was very good at it.

I was the top salesperson
five years running.

Okay, but that's worse.

I mean, you... you do get
how that's worse?

- Right?
- Mm.

You know, maybe...

it's a test.

Maybe if you go to Michael

and you tell him the truth,

you'll pass the test

and you'll get to stay.

No way.

I can't risk going to the Bad Place.

Okay, well, maybe
it's not actually, like,

all that bad.

Let's just get some information first.

We'll ask Janet. Hey, Janet?

- Hi there.
- Gah!

How can I help you?

What the fork? Who are you?

I'm Janet.

I'm the informational assistant
here in the Good Place.

She's like this walking database.

You can ask her about

the creation of the universe
or history...

Oh, there was a guy who lived

in Avondale, Arizona, around 2002.

His name was Kevin Paltonic.

- Is he gay?
- No.

Really? Huh.

I guess he just didn't want
to have sex with me.

That's correct.

Well, that's fine,
I wasn't that into him anyway.

- Yes, you were.
- Okay, Janet,

- I have a question.
- Okay.

What is the Bad Place like?

Oh, sorry, that is the one topic

I'm not allowed to tell you about.

I can only play you a brief audio clip

of what is happening there right now.

Okay.

The bear has two mouths!

Well, it doesn't sound awesome.

Does everyone have
a huge house except me?

All right, we need a plan.

I say we just lie low

and hope that they don't notice me.

I'm sorry, I don't think I can help you.

I just don't like being dishonest,

and I can't advise you
to be dishonest either.

Come on, I'm just asking
you to fudge a little bit.

You must've told a few
white lies in your life.

I mean, what was your job?

I was a professor of ethics
and moral philosophy.

Motherforker!

I'm getting a stomachache.

I'm in a perfect utopia,

and I'm... I have a stomachache.

This is awful.

I-I, uh... I think I have
to tell Michael about this.

Tell Michael about what?

Michael? Hi.

What have you been up to?

Eleanor, Chidi, I would like you to meet

Tahani and Jianyu.

They are soul mates

and your next-door neighbors.

Hello.

Can I just say I love your house?

It's just so tiny and cute.

It's like a little child's plaything,

like for a family of mice

or for a very fancy little dog.

I love it.
It's just so sweet and teensy.

Just like you. Boop.

- Oh.
- Oh.

You booped me. Ha-ha.

- I did.
- That's fun.

Tahani and Jianyu are having a little

welcome party tonight,
and they've invited

the entire neighborhood.

I simply adore entertaining.

Don't I just adore it, Jianyu?

Oh, um, yes, by the way,

Jianyu here is a Buddhist monk, you see?

And he obeys a strict code of silence.

So when you see him smiling and nodding,

that's actually his way of
jumping up and down with glee.

Isn't that right, darling?

So we'll see you tonight?

- Great.
- Yes.

No way.

My entire house could fit in this room.

Okay, uh...

help me out here.

Tell me one good thing

that you did on Earth,

just one truly kind and decent act

so that I can feel better
about helping you out.

Let's forget about good.

Um, just tell me something
neutral about yourself.

Like, tell me about
the day before you died.

What do you remember?

Hi there.

Do you have a second
to talk about the environment?

Do you have a second to eat my farts?

You missed.

Pick it up

if you're so horny for the environment.

I don't remember anything specific.

- Oh.
- Look.

I might not have been a saint,

but it's not like I killed anybody.

I wasn't an arsonist.

I never found a wallet
outside of an IHOP and

thought about returning it but
saw the owner lived out of state

so just took the cash
and dropped the wallet

back on the ground.

Okay, that's really specific,

and that makes me think that
you definitely did do that.

All I'm saying is

these people might be "good,"

but are they really
that much better than me?

Well, I spent half my life
in North Korea

fighting for women's rights

and the other half in Saudi Arabia

fighting for gay rights.

So we said, "If the U.N.
won't remove those land mines,

we will."

And we dug up over a thousand
unexploded land mines

from the area surrounding the orphanage.

Well, then he said,

"You can't give me both
your kidneys; you'll die."

And I said, "But you will live."

And I know we just met on this bus
ten minutes ago, but he seemed nice.

Oh, forget it. Heading to the bar!

Thank you, thank you.

You all know that I am the
architect of this neighborhood.

But what you don't know is...

Golly, I'm not supposed
to tell you this, but, um,

oh, what the heck?

This is actually
the very first neighborhood

that I have ever designed.

I had been an apprentice
for over 200 years,

and my boss has finally given me

my first solo project.

Yes!

Ah, gah-gah... gah-gah-gah.
Hold on there, ace.

Let me get more of them shrampies.

- Okay, easy.
- What?

They're for everybody, right?

Yes, exactly.

And you deserve a perfect world

because every single one of you

is a good person.

That's it for me. Back to you, Tahani.

- Bravo, Michael, bravo!
- Thank you.

Um, and I would just like to quickly say

if any of you would like
to play tennis tonight,

we have 36 regulation
grass tennis courts.

Such fun. Cheers.

Tahani, what a condescending bench.

- Okay, okay, okay, okay.
- Am I right?

Why does she still have
that British accent, right?

No one else here has an accent.

She's choosing to have that accent.

- Shh-shh-shh-shh.
- "Oh, hello.

"I am just a big, beautiful,

utterly perfect cartoon giraffe."

Oh, okay. Okay.

I think it's time to go home.

Wait, wait, wait.
I just have to go upstairs

real quick and steal
a bunch of gold stuff.

Okay, don't do that.

Don't do... no, Eleanor,
Eleanor, Eleanor.

Hello, creepy house that I hate.

Hello, one million clowns.

Why aren't there stairs here?

What kind of weirdo house is this?

Ooh.

Did you fill your bra with shrimp?

No.

Yes.

Whatever, it's freakin' heaven.

I'm sure they have plenty of shellfish.

That Tahani is a real butthead, huh?

Hey.

At least I can still say "butthead."

She is a butthead.

Found some pajamas.

Chidi... Chidi, Chidi?

I'm sorry that you had
to deal with this...

It's okay.

It's not, though.

Do you think anybody cared that I died?

Maybe someone did.

I don't know.

I was an only child.

My parents were divorced
when I was a kid.

They were both crummy people,

so they're probably...

in the Bad Place.

Maybe they're being used
to torture each other.

It would work.

I bet way more people
cared that you died.

'Cause you're a nice person.

You're a nice person, Chidi...

Anaconda.

Anagonye.

Aganocomonga.

Anagonye.

- Ags... say it again.
- Anagonye.

No, say what you said before.

I did. It's Anagonye.

You just changed it.

I didn't change it; it's my name.

Argrugande. Ariana Grande.

That's a person.

I did it.

Good night.

Good night.

Well, that's terrifying.

That can't be good.

Oh, fork.

- Michael.
- Mm?

Is that giant, terrifying ladybug

supposed to be there?

Ah, well, great question, Tahani.

No. No, it's not.

I have no idea why
any of this is happening

or how to control it.

Should we run away then?

Yes.

Righto.

Chidi, Chidi!

What's going on?

Why are there giant animals everywhere?

Do you hear Ariana Grande playing?

Why is everyone wearing blue and yellow?

You're not.

You're... you're the only one who's not.

Eleanor, this is all happening
because of you.

Ah, fork me.

Okay, okay.

We don't know this is because of me.

Eleanor, this place is
a perfectly made Swiss watch,

and you are a wrench in the gears.

Actually, you're a hammer,

just smashing the gears into dust.

Oh, hang on.

Not everybody here is perfect, okay?

Tahani is totally condescending.

And there are a couple of,

you know, chunksters.

Oh, come on!

No judgment. I'm just saying

I'm not the only one with flaws.

So how can we be sure this is my fault?

You hogged all the shrimp,

and now there are shrimp flying around.

You called Tahani a giraffe,

and now there are giraffes everywhere.

Okay, fine, turns out
there are many ways

to know that it was me.

Let's just face it, Eleanor,

you don't belong here.

Well, then this system sucks.

What, one in a million
gets to live in paradise

and everyone else
is tortured for eternity?

Come on.

I mean, I wasn't freaking Gandhi,

but I was okay.

I was a medium person.

I should get to spend eternity
in a medium place!

Like Cincinnati.

Everyone who wasn't perfect
but wasn't terrible

should get to spend eternity
in Cincinnati.

Look, apparently
it doesn't work that way.

I'm sorry, Eleanor,

but there's nothing anyone can do.

Unless...

there is something we can do.

Unless you could teach me.

Teach you what?

How to be good.

That was your job, right?

A professor of ethics?

No one knew I was a problem
when I arrived.

Things only started getting crazy

after I was an ash-hole
to everyone at the party.

You know I'm trying to say "ash-hole"

and not "ash-hole," right?

I got that, yes.

Okay, give me a chance.

Let me earn my place here.

Let me be your ethical guinea pig.

Hey, guys!

Uh, emergency neighborhood meeting, now!

We'll be right there, Michael!

If I walk out of here in these clothes,

I'm toast.

My soul is in your hands, soul mate.

What's it gonna be?

Oh, stomachache.

_

I, uh... I don't know what to do here.

This is a mess, morally speaking.

This is a putrid, disgusting bowl

of ethical soup.

Okay, well how about we just chill

and go to the town meeting

and talk it out after?

- W...
- Great.

Hey, how do I make
that helper woman show up?

Hello? Front desk lady?

Magical slave robot?

Excuse me, Janet?

Hi there.

Gah... still not used to it.

Um, Janet, I need...

quick question:

can anyone access our search history,

or is this an incognito
browsing situation

like when you're stalking a hot male man

from your work computer?

It is 100% confidential.

No one can access what you ask me,

including Michael.

Now, what kind of pornography
would you like to see?

No. No, no, no, not porn.

I, um... I need clothes

like yours and Chidi's with the stripes.

There you go.

Everybody, everybody!

Uh, gather round, please,
thank you, thank you.

Obviously, there's something very wrong

with this neighborhood.

We don't know what it is,

how long it will last,

or what caused it.

What do we know, Janet?

We know where it happened.

Here.

Yes, thank you, Janet.

The chaos happened here.

See, that's the trouble
with these perfect systems.

One little flaw can lead to...

well, it can lead to

Gary over there.

Hey, Gary.

Hang in there, buddy.

Boy, my armpits are leaking.

What is that called again?

- Sweat.
- Right, right.

Still not used to being in a human body.

And what do you do with sweat?

Do... do you lick it away,
is that right?

No, you dab it with a cloth.

Oh, right.

And then you lick the cloth?

That seems weirder.

Michael.

Look!

Okay. That's a good sign.

It... it could mean that
this is almost over.

Oh, such a relief.

That was my first time
as a fashion "don't,"

and I did not care for it.

Okay, I think it is time

to make me good, partner.
How do we do it?

Is there a pill I can take

or something I could vape?

Where did you get a chalkboard?

It's the Good Place;

you can get anything
you want at any time.

And you chose a chalkboard?

What are you reading?

"The Metaphysics of Morals"
by Immanuel Kant.

It's a treatise on
the aesthetic preconditions

of the mind's receptivity to duty.

A book on how to act good.

Oh, great!

So you've decided to help me?

I don't know.
There's a thousand questions.

Is there a moral imperative to help you?

Do I have a greater obligation
to my community?

Are you taking someone else's spot,

someone who deserves to be here?

Ooh, on that question,

I honestly think

I was just put here by mistake.

Because Michael called me
Eleanor Shellstrop,

so he knows I'm me.

He's just wrong about my

overall "quality" level.

Please, help me, man.

I swear I am worth it.

Tell me one fact

that you know about me.

I mean, we spent the whole day together.

You must remember something.

What country am I from?

Is it racist if I say Africa?

Yes, and Africa is not a country.

I am from Senegal.

Do I have any siblings?

Where did I go to college?

Trick question.

You didn't.

I was literally

a college professor.

Do you not remember
one single thing about me?

Dude, things have been nuts around here.

I bet you don't know anything about me.

You were born in Phoenix.
You went to school in Tempe.

You're an only child.

Your favorite show is something called

"The Real Housewives of Atlanta,"

and your favorite... book

is Kendall Jenner's Instagram feed.

How did you know all that?

Because you are constantly talking

about yourself.

You are the most self-obsessed person

I have ever met.

You should see
Kendall Jenner's Instagram feed.

Okay, this is my fear
about you, Eleanor.

You are too selfish

to ever be a good person.

Well, I think you're wrong.

What country am I from, again?

Sen...

sodyne.

That is a brand of toothpaste.

Look, the only thing
that you are concerned with

is your own happiness.

That's your problem.

Okay, names in the hat.

Time to pick a designated driver.

And the loser is...

Betsy.

Wait, you never get picked,

and you're always the one
who draws the name.

- Let me see that.
- There's no need.

Everyone here believes in
my integrity 100%, right, guys?

Give it to me.

For the record,

I did that out of principle,

because it absolutely
had your name on it.

If I check the other ones,
I can figure it out

by process of elimination.

All right, everyone, let's get started.

Things have settled down.

Whew!

So hopefully, we're off and running.

Welcome to orientation, day two.

Now, today we're gonna start
with something

that everyone has always wanted to do.

Flying.

Now that you're dead,
let's live a little, right?

Uh, sorry. Uh, Michael?

If... if I might?

I was just thinking,

earlier today in all of the chaos,

large swaths of this
neighborhood were destroyed.

We thought perhaps some of us

could, uh, volunteer
to help clean up the debris.

You know, it's quite a fun way

to band together as a community,

isn't that right, Jianyu?

Oh, uh, yeah, sorry.

For those of you who don't know,

my soul mate, Jianyu here,
is a Buddhist monk.

He took a vow of silence
that he's still observing,

even here, in the Good Place.

It's truly inspiring.

Well, Tahani, it's not really your job

to clean up,
but I suppose there's no harm

if you really want to.

Oh, well, hurrah.

We need about, uh, 12 volunteers.

Oh!

I can't believe all these
people are passing on flying

to pick up garbage all day.

Have fun, nerds.

I'll be soaring through the air
like a forkin' bird.

Eleanor and I would love to help.

Ah, hurrah-hurrah, yay.

Dude.

You want to prove you're not selfish?

Here's the perfect test.

There's something fun
that you want to do,

and then there's something
less fun that people are doing

for the common good.

Which do you choose?

Have fun.

Whoo!

Hey!

Yeah!

Whee!

Hey, up there,

having fun, or does it
maybe suck, probably?

I'd say it's like
50 million simultaneous orgasms,

but better.

How's volunteer garbage pickup?

- About the same.
- Great!

Whee!

You know, this really reminds
me of my time in Vietnam,

picking up mortar shells
with my godmother, Diana.

Doesn't really matter
of what she's a princess of.

It's not really important.

Tahani! How goes the cleaning?

Oh, swimmingly, Michael.

And I have to say

this neighborhood that you've built
is truly a masterpiece,

the likes of which I've never seen.

And I've been to Johnny Depp's
private bird sanctuary.

Well, thank you.
That's very kind of you to say.

But it's also dead wrong.

This neighborhood is a disaster.

See, I must have made
a mistake somewhere.

And it led to all this chaos,

and now I'm just... I'm just terrified

that it's gonna happen again.

I'm trying to put a good face on

well, this... this face that
I've constructed for myself.

But the truth is,

I... I'm just miserable.

I have to go.

Thank you so much for your service.

Oh, no.

Powerful people do not
handle failure well.

Michael could be heading
for a total meltdown.

Soul mate,

are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Should we say it at the same time?

All right. One, two, three.

We must help Michael.

Oh, you sly devil.

You're going to keep me
on my toes, aren't you?

All right, come on. Let's go.

- Oh.
- Ooh.

Hey, Gunnar! Hey, Antonio!

Hey, Eleanor.

- Isn't this great?
- Um, yeah.

When I thought of the afterlife,

I totally pictured

being an unpaid, non-flying janitor.

Us too!

You guys are so fun.

Just relentlessly fun.

I keep thinking, "When are they
gonna stop being fun?"

And the answer is never.

You're never gonna stop.

Well, I have had a pretty full day

of being unselfish.

I've made some new friends.

My area's almost garbage-free.

So you're gonna help me figure out

how to stay, right?

Well, that is a really tough question.

Most great philosophers would say

helping you is pointless,

that you can't try to be good,

especially when your motivations
are so obviously corrupt.

Yeah, but what do
most great philosophers know?

On the other hand, Aristotle

thought that moral virtue is something

that you could get better at.

He... he compared it
to playing the flute.

The more you practice,
the more you improve.

Aristotle! That's my boy, right there.

He was the best.

I mean, most people agree
he was the best one.

So it sounds to me like you are on board

the "help Eleanor" train.

Well, I've narrowed it down
to two possibilities:

yes and no.

Well, no worries.

Just hit me up when you're done

weighing my life in your hands.

I'll just keep doing what I do best:

being super considerate

and selfless.

Hey, guys.

Okay, Eleanor, reminder.

We switched to a rotating system

for choosing a designated driver,

and it's your turn.

Got it.

Full disclosure,

I forgot we were doing this new system.

I got off work early.

I've been here for about an hour,

and I'm already pretty drunk.

Someone else will do it.

Good call.

Guess the only place I'll be driving

is through the giant loophole

in the system I accidentally discovered.

Beep! Beep!

Whoo!

Whoa!

I can't believe they've managed to mix

one million flavors together,

and yet, somehow, I can taste
each individual one.

It's remarkable.

I got no-flavor.

- It's all I deserve, really.
- No.

Look, I... I appreciate
you trying to cheer me up.

I really do, but you don't understand.

This was the very first neighborhood

that I got to design.

It was my chance to prove myself,

and now I've blown it.

You know, sometimes
a flaw can make something

even more beautiful,

like with Cindy Crawford
and how short she is.

Oh, Tahani,

if I made one tiny mistake in my design,

if there's a single glitch
in the system,

if even one blade of grass

is angled a... a fraction
of a degree off...

The whole neighborhood is compromised.

Whose dog is that?

Guys, whose dog is that?

Whose dog is that?

See, this is one of those
glitches I was talking about.

Nice try, puppy!

Whew!

That was a close one.

Teacup?

Hey, have you seen my dog?

Shouldn't these be magical trash bags?

Five more minutes, flyers!

Five more minutes!

Oh, man, really?

Janet, I'm finished with cleanup,

and I'm ready to fly.

- How do I start?
- Hop on the launch pad

and conjure an image
that brings you pure joy.

Some people think of their wedding day

or favorite vacation spot.

People puking on roller coasters.

People puking on roller coasters.

It's working!

Ow! What the fork?

Janet, any chance this is
a scheduled trash storm?

So here's the situation, Pevita.

I kind of kicked your dog into the sun.

But I got her back.

Everything...

everything seems fine.

Teacup, thank goodness you're okay.

Everyone, it is merely
a construct of a dog.

It feels no pain or joy or love.

Teacup doesn't love me?

Oh!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
it definitely feels love.

Do you actually want a dog that
loves you a little bit more?

Because I can kick her
right back into the sun

and get you another one just like that.

- No!
- Oh, boy.

I'm making things worse.

Okay, all right, that's all right.

Breathe. Breathe... do you breathe?

- Mm-hmm.
- If you do, then just breathe

'cause everything's fine,
Michael, it's fine.

Ooh!

It's raining garbage.

Run!

Ooh, ooh, no, no, no,
I'm gonna run this way.

Chidi! Hey.

Before you say anything...

That's it, I just don't
want you to say anything.

- What did you do?
- Nothing!

It just started raining trash

out of nowhere for no reason at all.

Oh... okay, fine, fine.

My bag broke, and I ditched the trash

instead of taking it
all the way to the dumpster.

But in my defense,

there were only
five minutes left in flying

and I wanted to go flying.

How is that a defense?

You made a bad choice.

I made a bad choice?

We could have literally been flying,

and all you wanted to do
was talk about morals.

I mean, you're like
the worst part of Superman.

This is a relief.

I can stop my deliberations.

You're a selfish person,

and it is pointless to help you.

You are on your own.

Oh, man.

How 'bout this trash storm, Gunnar?

More cleaning up to do.

It's a... it's a dream come true.

We're okay!

You can't die here.

Come on, I mean, even you have to admit,

those guys are psycho.

I don't know what's happening to me.

I mean, it's my duty

to be calm and in control

and I'm falling apart.

No, Michael, you are
a paragon of fortitude.

You're a mountain of strength.

I'm not a mountain of strength.

I'm a canyon

full of poo-poo.

Jianyu, the architect
of this neighborhood

has just referred to himself as a canyon

full of poo-poo.

Surely now, you will say something?

Grace us with your vocalized wisdom.

Please, I'm begging you.

Oh.

Yes, yes, I understand.

The strength is inside me.

It's been there all along.

No, of course,
I can overcome any obstacle.

Oh, thank you, Jianyu, thank you.

I'm back.

You did it.

Oh, you have so much to teach me.

Maybe I should try to be silent too.

No really, look.

Here I go.

Oh! That was wonderful!

So cleansing.

Just water tonight, huh?

Designated driver?

Yeah, it sucks.

I think it's awesome.

I mean, someone's got to do it, right?

I think it's a cool thing
to do for people.

Yeah. No... no, I meant...

I meant... I... it sucks
that I can't do it

more often, you know?

I actually prefer it to drinking.

Staying sober and

knowing my friends will get home safe,

that's my buzz.

Hey, guys, good news and bad news.

See that hot bartender over there?

He's into me,
and we're gonna bang it out.

The bad news is, it means
I can't drive you guys home.

But I did call a cab for you guys.

But they recognized my number,

and they didn't want to come.

I've thrown up in a lot of cabs.

So are we good here?

Eleanor, you have
a very important choice to make.

If you blow us off,

you are banned from
Thursday night drinks

forever.

Yeah, I'm good with that.

I'll see you guys at work.

Peace!

You, let's go.

Hey.

How did you know I was here?

I saw you from my window.

That's where I live, by the way.

Not that you ever asked.

What are you doing?

I went to all the places

where I dumped trash earlier

and cleaned it up

so it couldn't be traced back to me.

Well, it looks like you

cleaned up everything.

You're doing this because you feel bad.

And you're not even doing it
to get me to help you anymore

because I told you
that's not gonna happen.

Okay, yeah, fine, I felt bad

for stupid Gunnar and stupider Antonio

and the whole neighborhood.

I felt bad about what I did.

It was a weird feeling.

Not used to it. Didn't love it.

Well, feeling remorse about being wrong

isn't as good as just
doing something right,

but it's a start.

Look, I think you're capable of change.

And I will help you try.

Oh, wow, man,

I swear I won't let you down.

Hi there. I've collected

the worst-smelling garbage
that I could find.

Do you still want me to dump it
inside of Antonio's house?

What?

No.

I did not tell you to do that.

You are loco, girlfriend.

Okay, I won't let you down starting now.

Ah, Eleanor.

- Good morning.
- Michael.

Do you know what the best part
about this place is?

You figured out how to make a to-go cup

that doesn't leak right where
the seam meets the lid.

Oh, I'm so glad you noticed.

I was very proud of that.

One of the hardest problems
I had to solve.

Eleanor,

I know what you did.

Cleaning up the entire
neighborhood by yourself.

I knew you were special,

but this is proof.

Enjoy your coffee.

And the cup.

Okay, let's begin
your "good person" lessons.

You got a long way to go
to pull this off.

It will take hours and hours

of studying ethics and moral philosophy.

We're gonna have assignments

and quizzes and papers.

It's gonna be so much fun.

Remind me what
I'm getting out of this again.

You get to avoid eternal damnation.

Oh, yeah. Right.

Hey, I got you a present.

What?

Senegal.

That's not a present;
that's just common decency.

Yeah, but I forkin' nailed it.

Good talk.

_

Ah, shirt.