The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 7, Episode 9 - Ro$e Love$ Mile$ - full transcript

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidant

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see

♪ The biggest gift
would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪

Oh, Dorothy, three days on
a romantic Caribbean cruise.



I envy you.

Oh, come on,
Blanche. It's no big deal.

What is it? Three
days at sea with a man.

A man who's a doctor.

A great big doctor in a
tiny little room with me.

You were saying?

Oh. Uh, well, let's very
quickly go over this checklist

to see if you've packed
everything you're gonna need

for your fun, fun,
fun in the sun.

Nausea pills? Took them.

Okay. Seasick skin patch?

Wearing it.

Okay. Those tiny little
stop-you-up tablets that I got

for my visit to Mexico?



The bottle was empty.

Uh-oh.

Oh, Blanche, I'll be fine.

Now listen, honey,
while I'm gone,

I'm putting you in charge of Ma.

Me? Why... Why me and not Rose?

Rose couldn't keep
our rock garden alive.

What, I'm gonna
give her my mother?

Now look, as for
instructions... Mmm-hmm.

Ma is to be fed twice a day.

Walk her after her
second meal. Second meal.

And don't give her
anything liquid after 10:00.

Hey, what is this? You're talking
about me like I'm an animal.

You've been with
a man, haven't you?

Honey, tell Rose
goodbye for me, will you?

Have a wonderful time.

And listen, don't
forget to moan.

Helps keep a man focused.

Oh, God. Just like that.

Now, Ma, you're gonna
do what Blanche tells you?

Yeah.

You're not going to
give her any trouble? No.

You're gonna be
Blanche's little helper?

Yes. I love you.

I love you, too.
Goodbye, pussycat.

Fasten your seat
belt, slut puppy.

This ain't gonna be no cakewalk.

Mmm! What a meal, Rose.

And what a deal, Rose.

Uncle Cluck's, "Tastes Just Like
Chicken" all-you-can-eat buffet.

You love your
early bird specials.

You bet. Especially when
they forget to collect the coupon.

Come on, Rose. Admit it.

Wasn't it worth a trip
to the bad part of town?

That guy almost
got my purse, Miles!

Almost doesn't count, Rose.

How about those
Cajun drumsticks?

Oh, I can still smell
those Cajun drumsticks.

I'm not surprised, you
put one in each pocket.

Oh, that's tomorrow's
lunch, sweetheart.

Hey, I gotta run. Bye-bye.

Hi, Rose. Hi, Blanche.

Honey, is something wrong?

Well, it's Miles.

Lately he's gotten...

I don't know, really
tight, and I hate it.

Oh? Well, I'm just the opposite.

I love a tight man.

Tight man with cast-iron pecs,

thighs that could choke a bear,

and a butt you could
eat breakfast off of.

Then the two of us would...

Rose, when did you get in?

Blanche, I've been
here the whole time.

I was telling you
about Miles being tight.

Oh, I love a tight man.

A tight man with
cast-iron pecs, thighs...

No, tight with
money. He's cheap.

Oh, tight with money?

Dump him.

Blanche, this is serious.

And it's getting worse.

Like last Friday, I asked him
to take me someplace special.

You know what he did?

He snuck us into an AA meeting.

"Theater of the living," he calls
it, with free refreshments after.

Well, you've always
known Miles was frugal.

He's more than frugal.

He's fricking frugal.

Why, Rose!

It's a Scandinavian term.

Honest.

Sophia, what's goin' on?

Nothing.

Nothing!

Aha!

Sophia? Sophia?

Are you all right?

I'm okay. I'm okay.

But that antique
chest of Dorothy's?

She's not gonna like
what you let me do to it.

You just listen to
what I'm tellin' you.

You live under my roof,
you live under my rules.

Oh, live under this.

Sophia, please. How am I
supposed to keep you out of trouble?

Why are you going
through Dorothy's things?

'Cause I've already
been through yours.

Oh, my God, this
box is a treasure trove!

I guess as long as
you already have it out,

let's just see what
Dorothy's hidin' from us.

Pictures and
doo-dads... What's this?

Huh. 1920.

Well, Sophia, you wrote this.

"Things I Want To
Accomplish Before I Die."

The list! The list!
You've found my list!

Oh, Blanche, read it to me.

Those were my dreams, my goals.

Number one, "Lose 200 pounds."

Done it.

Number two, "Never be
burden to children in old age."

Moving on.

Three, "Make amends
with Guido Spirelli."

Who's Guido Spirelli?

Guido Spirelli was my
first husband in Sicily.

It was an arranged
marriage I had annulled.

I left him a broken man.

And I vowed one day
I would make amends.

You know, Sophia,
finding this list was a sign.

You must make things
right with that man.

Now, go to your room
and write him a long letter.

Make your words thorough,
honey. Make them fearless.

Don't stop till you
have said everything.

Take two or three
days if you have to.

Thank you, Blanche.
You're a good friend.

I just wish Sophia
were my mother.

Then I could put
her in Shady Pines.

Oh, good, Rose, here you are.

Honey, listen, I have been
giving it some serious thought,

and I have finally come
up with a perfect solution

for your very sensitive
problem with Miles.

What? Cheat on him.

I can't cheat on Miles.

Well, maybe cheat
isn't quite the right word.

Just think of it
as one night out

with my rich friends from Texas.

Well, why isn't that cheating?

'Cause you're not
gonna get caught.

Come on, Rose.
Just think about it.

A delicious dinner at
an elegant restaurant.

At night.

You mean no coupons, Blanche?

No coupons, Rose.

Chefs who don't
wear pirate hats?

Oh, I don't think so.

And he'll pay for everything?
I don't have to leave the tip?

That's right.

I'm gonna cheat on Miles.

I'm gonna to cheat on Miles.

You mean I can have
another Diet Coke?

Of course you can, darlin'.

Why, she's even more
charmin' than you said, Blanche.

Matter of fact, waiter, bottle
of your best champagne.

Did you hear that?

Last time I had champagne,

Miles and I crashed
a bar mitzvah.

By the way, Blanche,
you have a large tuchus.

That better mean bosom.

Barry, I do think that
champagne is a wonderful idea,

but shouldn't we make it a case?

I may want to take a bath later.

Fair enough.
But if I'm buyin' it,

I'm gonna be sittin' in it.

Hey, hi, Blanche.

Rose?

Miles!

What're you doing here?

Well, not that it matters, but I was
on my way to the "theater of the living."

I thought I'd pop in and purchase
a couple of day-old eclairs.

Which, incidentally, are for a
dinner I'm making you next week.

But the better question is,
what... What are you doing here?

And with these dandies, yet.

Dandies? Pretty tough words
for somebody buying eclairs.

Miles, it isn't
what it looks like.

I mean, this has nothing
to do with romance.

What do you mean,
it's not romantic?

Oh, Rose, how could you do this?

Oh, Miles. Oh, I'm sorry.

It's just that I really wanted
to come to this restaurant.

I didn't mean to eat
behind your back.

I was gonna take you to a
lovely restaurant tomorrow night.

I know. Cap'n Sam's
Twilight Two-For-One Special.

"A nice piece of perch, your
choice of potatoes or rice."

Oh, yeah. I see you
conveniently left out

"with a generous
helping of slaw."

Oh, or doesn't that serve
your little smear campaign?

I feel so bad about
what happened last night.

I may have ruined an ideal
relationship, and for what?

Well, it's your own fault
for cheating on Miles.

Blanche, it was your idea!

It's the execution, Rose.
I said, "Don't get caught."

Well, I don't know
what I'm gonna do.

I mean, what if he
doesn't come back?

What if I've lost him?

What if I turn into a
lonely, old spinster

and never find love again?

Look, Garfield caught a fish.

Oh, boy, there's just
nothin' like startin' out the day

with a big pile of eggs
and cinnamon toast.

Oh, damn, almost forgot.

The old lady's got to eat.

She isn't here.

What?

She isn't here.
She left. Last night.

You didn't know?

No, I did not know! What do
you mean, "left"? Where'd she go?

Sicily.

To square things with Guido.

Sicily? What are you
talkin' about, Sicily?

She said she
cleared it with you.

She did not clear it with me.

Then giving her my Visa
card was a bad thing?

Rose, now how are we
supposed to find her?

Angelo.

I'll call her brother Angelo.
He'll know where she is.

Rose, this is terrible!

What do you think
Dorothy's gonna do?

Remember what she was
like when you lost her keys?

She uprooted a mighty sequoia.

Of course, on the other hand,

she is off on a romantic cruise,

so maybe he'll
fall in love with her

and she'll come home happy.

I'm a dead woman.

Oh, Angelo.

Sweets for my sweet.

Flowers for my flower,

and cigarettes for after.

Angelo, what are you doing?

May I quote what
you said on the phone?

"Angelo, I need you.

"Come over, quick.
Sophia's not here."

I... I didn't mean it that way.

Are you telling me I shaved
my shoulders for nothing?

As much as that
does sweeten the pot,

I still didn't mean it that way.

I get it. Okay. Forget
it. I... I don't need you.

I've had hundreds of women.

Okay, magazines.

Angelo, please. Now,
we have a real problem.

Sophia is missing and
you are my last hope.

I've already tried calling Sicily's
Department of Missing Persons.

They just laughed at me.

You called Missing Persons
in Sicily? You got it wrong.

You call them to lose somebody.

Well, what should I do?

Do you... Do you know
anything about Guido Spirelli?

I think maybe she went
there to try and find him.

You kidding? I
know him like a book.

I know his tastes. I
know his tendencies.

I know he hates humidity.

And if I don't miss my guess,

I could pinpoint
his location exactly.

Oh, thank God!

He's someplace air-conditioned.

You're not being
any help at all.

Nobody's being any help at all.

I don't know what in
God's name I'm gonna do.

Take it easy. If I know my
sister, she's playing a trick,

looking for a little laugh.

Now, relax.

I'll bet Sophia is
here before dinner.

Hey, Mr. Occupato,

what are you doing in there,
painting the Sistine Chapel?

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Pit stop! Pit stop! Whoa!

Guido? Guido Spirelli?

It's me, Sophia.

I've come a long
way to speak to you.

Many years ago, I wronged you.

I broke your heart.

And because of that, I've
been suffering all these years.

I just want you to
know how sorry I am.

From the bottom of my
heart, Guido, I apologize.

I apologize for
ruining your life.

Ah, forget about it.

You don't have
to do this, Miles.

Yes, I do, Rose.

I have to show you
how much I've changed.

Rose, you're a
first-class woman,

you deserve to be treated
in a first-class manner.

Miles Webber.

Oh, Mr. Webber, of course.

Uh, listen, I'm sorry
to disappoint you,

but the restaurant's
begun a new policy.

We're now donating all our
day-old pastries to the mission.

I'm not here for pastries.

The bread, too?

Yes, sir.

Well, I believe you'll find my
name on the reservations schedule.

Oh, indeed. Here it
is. Webber, for two.

Right this way.

Hey, Carl, Webber's eating!

I hope you'll find
this satisfactory.

Your waiter will be
with you in a moment.

Thank you.

Well, here we are.

Yes, Rose. Here we are.

You know, it's kind of nice

not having to holler your
order into the clown's mouth.

The trout amandine
looks nice, doesn't it?

The trout? Well,
I'm... I'm not sure.

Uh, oh, yes, yes! Yes, it does.

Good. Mmm-hmm.

That chateaubriand that couple
over there is eating looks even better.

Then, Miles, have it.

I couldn't. I think
they're going to finish it.

Your own, Miles. Order your own.

Good evening. Have the
two of you decided yet?

Ah, y-yes. The lady will
be having the... The $18.50.

Uh, the trout.

Oh, yes, of course, the trout.

And you, sir?

Uh... I'll just have
a glass of water.

I ate before we came.

All right. That's
one bottled water.

Uh, no, no, no.
That's tap water.

I have a chlorine deficiency.

Miles, what is going on?

I thought you were
gonna loosen up.

I mean, you've
always been frugal,

but lately it's
gotten out of hand.

I don't know. I guess it all
started about a month ago

when I went to see my doctor.

Oh, my God, Miles.
Is something wrong?

Yes. He said I'm probably
gonna live to be 100.

Rose, I'm only budgeted
to live until I'm 80.

What?

Don't you see, Rose? I'm a
man living on a fixed income.

All of a sudden, I'm afraid.

I mean, I'll be retiring soon.

What if I don't
have enough left?

Why didn't you just tell me?

I understand what
you're going through.

All people our age do.

You know what?

Once in a while, I could
pay for a nice meal, too.

Oh, Rose... Well,
yes. Yes, you could.

Oh, Miles, this is all my fault.

I should be a person
who's more accepting.

I mean, it isn't like
I'm Miss Perfect.

I probably do all sorts
of things that annoy you.

Oh, not really.

Go on. It would do us
both a world of good

to hear the things
you'd change about me.

Nah, but, well, there
is one thing, Rose.

Really? Yeah.

You hum, Rose.

I hum?

Softly, happily, incessantly.

Rose, I come
over in the morning,

and you hum as you're
cleaning the house.

It's free music, Miles.

I'd think you'd like that.

God forbid we get into an
elevator where there's Muzak.

You've made your point. I hum.

Boy, do you hum!

Listen, Scrooge.

Scrooge?

This is wonderful, Rose.

We've reached a new
point in our relationship.

Total honesty.

Look at us, Rose.

We're two old people totally
committed to each other,

faults and all.

You're right, Miles.

If you consider humming a fault.

Madam, your trout.
Sir, your water.

Just a moment, young man.

This is a special night, and I
have decided to treat myself.

Just take this water away
and bring me an iced tea.

Look who's home!

Dorothy! Well, how
was your cruise?

Oh, honey, it was fabulous.

Oh, Lee was absolutely charming.

We danced, we swam, the
captain let me steer the boat.

Oh, there was a casino on board.

I lost four dollars,
but I didn't care.

Where's Ma?

The captain let you steer?

Well, you know, just for
a minute. Where's Ma?

Did he let you wear his hat?

Rose, where's Ma?

Dorothy, I'm talking to you!

Did the captain let
you wear his hat?

Rose, there's something
wrong, isn't there?

Dorothy, sit down.
Something happened to Ma.

I know something happened to Ma.

I leave for three days and something
horrible has happened to Ma!

Well, I'm back from
my walk to the mailbox.

Tomorrow, the corner.

Oh, Ma, thank
God you're all right!

You've been with
a man, haven't you?

And it was heavenly.

But before I tell you
about my weekend,

I want to hear all about yours.

You're looking at
it. All I did was sit.

Blanche was all over
me like a cheap slut.

I think you mean suit.

Not necessarily.

But you know, this
proves something.

Left to herself, Blanche
is wild and self-absorbed.

But give her a little responsibility,
you know, a job to do,

boy, she's right there for you.

Where is she, anyway?

Ouch, ouch.