The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 7, Episode 8 - The Monkey Show - full transcript
Stan, whose mother recently passed away, transfers his affections for Sophia onto a stuffed monkey at the request of his psychiatrist.
♪ Thank you for being a friend
♪ Traveled down the
road and back again
♪ Your heart is true
♪ You're a pal and a confidant
♪ And if you threw a party
♪ Invited everyone you knew
♪ You would see
♪ The biggest gift
would be from me
♪ And the card
attached would say
♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪
Ma, what are you doing?
Filling sandbags, Dorothy.
There's a hurricane a-coming.
"A-coming"?
That's right. People
only use the "A"
when a really big storm
is a-coming or a-brewing.
So grab a sack and
start a-shoveling.
Ma, the weather report said
nothing about a hurricane.
Ida Pearlberg down
at the senior center
woke up this morning
with a leg cramp.
Need I say more?
Yes.
Dorothy, when you get around
my age, two things happen.
One, you get more
intuitive about the weather.
And two, corn
becomes your enemy.
Ma, even if there is a
hurricane a-coming...
Don't patronize me.
I'm not patronizing
you. I'm a-mocking you.
Look, Ma, if there is
a hurricane coming,
it's not gonna get
here for a while.
So, come on, sit down and relax.
Okay.
I'm glad we have this quiet
time before the storm hits,
because there's
something I'd like to tell you.
What, Ma?
I always thought
of us as the Gabors.
Well, I'm glad we
had this little chat.
No, hear me out.
I'm Jolie, the mother.
Your sister Gloria,
she's Zsa Zsa.
And Eva... Well, Eva was,
of course, your brother, Phil.
I'm not a Gabor?
You're telling me.
Listen, big news.
Zsa Zsa's coming to town.
Gloria is coming here?
I wish I knew why you
two didn't get along.
I just don't understand it.
For some reason, you've always
been jealous of my good daughter.
Ma, she makes me crazy.
She's always putting
down my way of life,
my... my choice of career.
She's never been there for
me when I've needed her. Never.
And all she ever talks about
is how much money she has.
Dorothy, there's upsetting
news. She's broke.
She invested all her
money in junk bonds,
and now she's broke.
She has no money?
Not a dime. Yes!
Well, this is it.
My last session with
Stan and the psychiatrist.
How do I look?
Oh, fine. Why?
It's so hard to dress
for a psychiatrist.
You wear black, they
think you're depressed.
You wear red, they
think you're angry.
You wear a negligee, they
think you want to sleep with them.
Why aren't you arrested more?
Anyway, Dr. Halperin is really
working wonders with Stan.
You know, he's
gotten him to transfer
his love for me
to a fake monkey.
What are you talkin' about?
Well, it really is very simple.
You see, studies show
that when baby monkeys
are taken away
from their mothers,
they can transfer their
love to fake mothers.
And the same thing
is happening with Stan.
I mean, he's weaning himself
from his relationship with me
by using a fake monkey
for companionship.
Why not use a fake woman?
Oh, well, honey,
that's why Stan went to the
psychiatrist in the first place.
Girls, guess what?
You know that Save the
McKinley Lighthouse campaign
I've been talking about?
Mmm, no.
Oh, sure you do. I've
told you about it 200 times.
No.
Boy, it's like you people don't
pay any attention to me whatsoever.
Hey, when did you sneak in?
Listen, I just got
the television station
to give me eight hours
of air time for the telethon.
Rose, that's wonderful.
The only thing is, there are so
many things to get organized.
I'm gonna have to get
somebody to help me do this.
Well, you could sign me
up. I would love to help.
You?
Oh, you'd turn the telethon
into a disgusting manhunt.
A disgusting manhunt.
What a great idea!
Oh, see, we'll all get
dressed in little safari outfits,
and we'll have the men in cages.
Then we'll let them out and
they'll all run around in loincloths.
And every man who gets
caught will donate $50,
and then we'll get to
take them home with us.
Well, fine.
Save your own damn lighthouse.
Oh, Ma, what time does
Gloria's plane get in?
Oh, she's not taking a plane.
Not taking a plane?
Well, that's impossible.
I mean, how else would she...
Oh, no. Oh, no. You mean...
A bus?
She took the bus
from California.
Yes!
(DOORBELL RINGING)
All right, knock it off.
That's probably her.
Now, you said you'd be nice.
And don't mention she's broke.
Oh, Ma, now why would I do that?
She's my sister.
Besides, I want to
hear it from her mouth.
Dorothy. Gloria.
Ma.
Gloria. Oh, my little girl.
I'm sorry I'm late.
Oh, no, I understand. Buses.
Won't you sit down?
Oh, I thought I heard
that doorbell. Gloria.
Oh, hi, Blanche.
Hi, Rose. Hello.
Look at this. My two
little girls at home again.
So, uh, Gloria, I
understand you're, uh...
Happier than I've ever been.
Can you believe it?
It's like I get to
completely start over.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, right.
You're starting over because
you've lost all of your...
Constraint.
My ties.
I feel like now I can
begin to live again.
I can do anything.
I can even do what you...
What is it you do
again, Dorothy?
I'm a substitute teacher.
Oh, no, I'd be a real teacher.
I am a real teacher.
Oh, look, Ma.
Her ears are
starting to get all red.
(IN SINGSONG VOICE)
Someone's getting mad.
My ears are not getting red.
You know, you
do this every time.
You just come in here and
start pushing my buttons.
Well, it's not gonna work.
Now go ahead, hide your pain.
I can wait.
So, you two are sisters.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
That's Stan. Rose,
would you get the door?
Oh, is Stan still
as crazy as ever?
No, as a matter
of fact, he's not.
We've been going to
a therapist together,
and he's making some
wonderful progress.
Hi. It's me, Stan.
And who's that good-looking
monkey with you?
Don't be condescending.
I know it's silly, but
it's doctor's orders.
It's just a tool to help
me get over Dorothy.
Can I hold him?
Are your hands clean?
Hello, Stan.
Gloria. What are you doing here?
You usually don't like to slum
it with this part of the family.
Stan, please. She's
out of M-O-N-E-Y.
Yeah, well, she's
not getting mine.
She's not out of monkey, Stan.
She's out of money.
Come on. Let's go.
Out of money, is
she? Well, how ironic.
You're broke, and I
have all the money I want.
Not to mention my self-respect
and my monkey.
And a good-looking monkey it is.
Is it me, or is
that a traffic cone?
Jealous?
Come on, Dorothy,
we better get going.
After our session, I have an important
dinner meeting with some investors.
Oh, my God, Stan, you're not
taking your monkey, are you?
Please, they are
Japanese investors.
The last thing I would do
would be to offend them.
She'll be at a separate
table with the other wives.
No, no, Mrs. Gutman.
Honestly, there's
no hurricane coming.
Yes, yes, yes, I heard
about Ida Pearlberg.
She's 5'2" and
weighs 200 pounds.
I'd be shocked if she
didn't have leg cramps.
No, Mrs. Gutman, I'm
not making fun of you.
Good. Well, I'll
see you Tuesday.
Fine, if there is a Tuesday.
Sorry for the interruptions,
but I think every 80-year-old
in the city has gone berserk.
Hey, what can you say? There
are some sick people out there.
(LAUGHING)
Uh, by the way, uh, will my
monkey be okay on my lap,
or should I get a chair?
I have a place for
your monkey, Stan.
Well, Dorothy, it sounds like you're
a little hostile toward the monkey.
You want to talk about it?
What's to talk about?
I had to ride in the back
seat all the way over.
Stan said the monkey
called shotgun.
Well, Dorothy, I don't
think you'd feel this way
if you read my
book, Monkey Love.
Stan came to me
as a needy person.
I've shown him that he can be
happy with an inanimate object.
In other words, Stan, you are
now an independent person.
You don't need this monkey.
Wait a minute, Doc, you're not
thinking about taking away Fifi, are you?
Okay, maybe I
jumped the gun here.
Not having read Monkey Love,
uh, Doctor, how many of your
patients don't get off the monkey?
Over half.
But the monkey
keeps getting smaller,
until ultimately, it's
the size of a keychain.
Dorothy, why don't you
and Stan say your goodbyes?
Stan, can you come
back tomorrow?
Well, we were thinking
about playing bridge.
Oh, Stanley, stop that!
Dorothy, in any event,
your part here is done,
and I'm gonna recommend
as the concluding
and most important
step in your treatment,
that you both spend
at least two years apart.
No phone calls.
No visits. Nothing.
You're both okay with that?
Oh, yeah.
I'll try.
Okay, why don't you both just say
what's on your minds and in your hearts?
Okay.
Well, Dorothy, I'm sorry
this couldn't work out.
Thank you for 38 years of love
and friendship and memories.
I'll cherish them always.
Stan,
ciao.
Oh, you're back from
your session early.
Was it as cathartic
as you thought?
Well, I don't know if
"cathartic" is the word.
You should do what I do.
I find if I repeat a word
that's confused me,
I look smarter than I really am.
Like, "Was it cathartic?"
"Oh, I've had a catharticism."
"Of course, I'm not the
type to kiss and cathartirize."
I tell you, I am still stunned.
I mean, I just can't get over
that Stan is gone forever.
I'm finally free.
Really? Oh, and I feel great.
As a matter of fact, a toast.
Okay.
To finality and closure.
To husbands being out of
our lives, and gone forever!
(BOTH GROANING)
Dorothy!
No, wait, wait. Th-This is good.
I mean, don't cry.
Why are you crying?
Our husbands are
dead, you monster.
I'm sorry. I mean, I
didn't mean it that way.
Oh, come on
now, let's celebrate.
Celebrate? You don't
know what it's like
to have a husband die
and leave you with nothin'.
Just a closet full of
suits that you spend
the rest of your lonely
life tryin' to get rid of.
What are you,
anyway, a 42 regular?
Look, I'm sorry if I
seemed insensitive,
but in every relationship
there are always times
when you don't wanna
be with each other.
I mean, Stan and I
went through a period
where we had no
marital relations at all.
I totally cut off his sex.
You mean it grows back?
Yes, Rose. He's a lizard.
I mean, we stopped having sex.
Boy, I could never do that.
Oh, big surprise.
I'm amazed you're
taking a break now.
All right, leaving your
husbands out of this,
haven't you ever been glad when
one of your relationships ended?
Rose, how about that guy
you dated last summer?
Don't you remember? The one
who played Goofy at Disney World.
I remember the passion, yes.
Do you remember
why it didn't work out?
It just didn't.
Right. But why not?
I don't want to talk about it.
Oh, Rose, honey, there's
nothin' to be ashamed of.
He took off the Goofy head.
He took off the Goofy head.
See, that's not so bad.
Hurricane supplies,
coming through.
What makes you so certain
about the storm, Sophia?
Because I'm old. I know.
I've seen everything twice.
Except Bonfire of the Vanities.
(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)
Ma, listen, I just got
back from my session
and I've got some great news.
Ma, it's over. He is gone.
He is out of our lives forever.
Yeah, forever.
Forever, like my husband, Sal.
(SOBBING)
What is everyone's
problem around here?
Ma, I'm talking about Stan.
I... I feel renewed.
I feel like a huge weight has
been lifted off my shoulders.
Then maybe you should share
some of that happiness with your sister.
Ma, face it. We
just don't get along.
You're family, you should
force yourself to get along.
She needs you.
Oh, Dorothy.
Gloria, hello.
We were just talking about you.
How are you?
(SOBBING)
Oh, nice going, Dorothy.
I asked her how she was doing.
I mean, it's not as if I
mentioned her dead husband.
(ALL SOBBING)
Gloria, you okay?
I just had a bad day.
I guess I'm a little scared.
I don't know, maybe I was
too confident when I got here,
trying to convince
myself I was happy.
I guess I'm really lonely.
Oh, Gloria, I understand.
Oh, I know you
understand, Dorothy.
That's why I came to you.
I'm miserable,
with no prospects.
Oh, Dorothy, how do you do it?
Day after day. Year after year.
I feel lost.
Well, honey, look,
you're in a new city,
you're poor, you're
a single woman.
You have no money.
I know, but... I
mean, you're poor.
Now, you think about that.
Every last cent is
gone. No mas dinero.
Dorothy!
But I'm your sister
and I'm here for you.
I guess I've just been
feeling sorry for myself.
Thinking, "I'm all alone. No
one loves me. Poor Gloria."
Literally.
All right, I'll tell
you what, Gloria,
right now you're lonely,
you're disoriented.
Maybe you need
a little distraction.
Why don't I introduce
you to some men?
(EXCLAIMS)
(LAUGHING) No, no, I'm sorry.
Good idea. You,
Dorothy, can intro...
Can introduce
Gloria to... To... Men.
Oh, gosh, that feels good!
Listen, um, I'm
sorry for crying.
Me, too.
♪ But how can you thank someone
♪ Who's taken you
from crayons to perfume?
♪ It isn't easy, but I'll try
♪ To Sir, with love ♪
Oh, bravo! Bravissimo!
Encore! Encore!
Date me!
Blanche!
Well, he was good.
He was not. He was just a man.
I mean, you've said
yes to all the men
and you've been discriminating
against the women.
I have not.
Just so happens all the women
we've seen have been horrible.
(PIANO PLAYING)
(SINGING)
Thank you!
Well, that's all for now.
But, uh, ma'am, we really
do need some female acts.
Uh, you might want
to tell your friend
not to be so capricious
with her judgments.
Ah, yes, indeed.
For, as we all know,
it's the capricious person
whose capriciosity is
never truly caprified.
Hi, girls. How's it
going? Hello, hello.
Well, Angelo, what
are you doing here?
My brother wants to
try out for the telethon.
I got a song I used to
sing with my partner.
We called ourselves
Tino and Fino.
I'm warning you,
Angelo. No political stuff.
We don't wanna have any trouble.
(SCOFFS)
Uh, where's Fino?
Ah, Fino is... Well, finito.
He was killed, quite ironically,
in a banana-packing plant.
Why was that ironical?
Excuse me, I'm...
I must've made a
mistake in my English.
It was quite comical.
I gotta go limber up.
Hi, Ma.
Dorothy, good, I
need to talk to you.
Well, of course. What's up?
Listen, Dorothy, maybe it's me.
Maybe I'm just
being too critical.
But you know how you
been fixing me up with men?
Ho! Ma!
Oh, you haven't had a good time.
Maybe you shouldn't be
with strangers right now.
You should be with
family and... and friends.
You know, people you know.
You know, you're
right. That would help.
Right now, my life feels like
one frightening gaping maw
ready to consume me.
Did you ever feel like that?
Every day.
And then something changed.
I made friends, I found support.
And, of course, I had Ma.
Frightening, gaping Ma.
(LAUGHING)
You know something, it's kind
of nice having a sister around.
Say, why don't we put
Ma back in her room,
and then you can room with me.
I mean, it'll be kinda fun.
We'll get to know
each other again.
I think that would be wonderful.
Gee, I wonder where Gloria is?
I was thinking
of surprising her,
inviting her to lunch.
I don't get it.
All of a sudden you
two are best friends?
Well, maybe I've changed.
For once, everything
is going well.
My sister is in my life.
Stan is out of my life.
I'm not even going to see
him for two whole years.
Everything is perfect.
Hush, pussycat. Ida's ankles
are swelled up like a blowfish.
Let's see how the
hurricane's going.
REPORTER ON TV: Repeat, South
Florida is now under a hurricane watch.
We'll keep tracking the storm
to see if it's going
to come our way.
I can't believe it, the
Eastern Seaboard's history.
God, it feels good to be right!
(REPORTER CHATTERING ON TV) Well, I'm
not gonna let any bad news affect me today.
I am in control of my fate.
For once in her life,
Dorothy Zbornak is the master
of her own destiny.
I am woman. Hear me roar.
(SCREAMS)
Dorothy.
Gloria, Stan.
Good news, Dorothy.
I'm off the monkey.
Oh, my God, I can't believe it!
I feel light-headed.
I think I'm gonna...
I'm gonna...
No, I'm okay.
Dorothy? Dorothy, are you okay?
(LAUGHING) Oh, what a dream.
I dreamt that you and
Stan were in bed together.
Isn't that silly?
Oh, I mean, my loving sister
and the man I despise most.
Oh, God, the
nightmare continues!
How could you do this?
How could you do this to me?
Dorothy, there's a
hurricane a-coming.
Fierce winds and driving rains.
Who knows what's
gonna happen to all of us?
I felt scared and vulnerable.
Oh, Stan, you big, bald girl.
Look, I know it's wrong,
but I was confused.
So I called Dr. Halperin,
he's coming over right away.
This... This is all my
fault. No, it's my fault.
Maybe it's my fault.
I mean, who goes to their room
in the middle of the
day without knocking?
Oh, pussycat, you've come to.
Boy, it wasn't easy
getting you in here.
Stan took your head,
Gloria took your legs.
I haven't heard such
heavy breathing since...
Well, since before
you passed out.
Ma, please! Oh, come on.
When I said that to Stan,
he laughed so hard
he dropped you.
Ma, you sound happy about this.
I am. This is wonderful.
Your sister found a man.
I don't believe this.
All the years I was
with him he was a yutz.
She goes to bed
with him and it's great?
That's right. He was wrong
for you. He's perfect for her.
Ma, that's ridiculous.
Look, Gloria isn't the kind of
woman that does well by herself.
She's the kind of woman who
needs a rich man to buy her things
and make her feel special.
Oh? And what kind of woman am I?
The kind who should
live with her mother.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Oh, come in,
Doctor. Oh, Dorothy.
Hello, Dorothy. Oh,
Carol, this isn't a good time.
Well, you know me.
When is it a good time?
Besides, I'm with him. We were
on a date when you beeped him.
What? You two are
seeing each other?
You know, for years my father's
been telling me to see a psychiatrist.
I couldn't understand why.
And then a couple of
weeks ago, it dawned on me.
He probably meant socially.
Oh, it's wonderful.
They really listen.
She really talks.
Nice robe.
Why don't I put you down
for an extra session this week?
Uh, look, Carol,
it's nice to see you,
but this is really a
rather personal matter.
Oh, don't worry, Richie
tells me about all his cases.
That isn't true, is it, Richie?
Don't worry. I tell her
things in very general terms,
and I make up wild, crazy
names for my patients,
so there's no way she could
know who I was talking about.
Yeah, but nevertheless... Oh, my God.
I'm in the way. I can go in the kitchen.
Why don't I go in the kitchen?
You know, I used to worry
that I would miss something,
but that was before Richie.
He's making me so unneurotic.
Don't talk about
me. It'll kill me.
So, kids, what's going on?
Well, Doc, I have some news.
I sort of slept with
Dorothy's sister.
Hey, you're off the
monkey. Mazel tov.
Oh, my God. What is it?
You're Dan and Morothy.
Wild and crazy names?
Carol, this is a different
Dan and Morothy.
You mean these aren't the two nuts
who couldn't stop seeing each other?
Dan, a sex-crazed nudnik with
occasional performance problems,
and Morothy, a domineering
tyrant who totally emasculated him?
No more calls. We have a winner.
I can't believe this.
An hour ago, my
life was perfect.
I was finally rid of Dan,
I felt good about
my sister being back,
and now this.
How am I supposed
to cope with this?
Believe me, Dorothy,
it won't happen again.
Right. It was a mistake.
I didn't mean to hurt you.
Okay, we had a slip up here.
But better in the first two years
of the separation than later.
Stan, you have to try again.
Dorothy, if you need to talk about
how you feel, I'm always here for you.
And half price, because of
the Dan and Morothy thing.
Carol, come on.
(CLEARS THROAT)
What would make
Stan do such a thing?
Well, strict Freudians would call
it a co-dependence transference.
But if you ask me, men are pigs.
REPORTER ON TV: The
first effects of Hurricane Gil
are now directly being felt
along the South Florida coast.
Oh, have all the acts shown up?
Are we all set?
Where's the emcee?
All set? Ladies,
trees are falling,
power lines are down everywhere,
you go on in two minutes, only
one of your acts has shown up,
and you got eight hours to fill.
What are you gonna do?
Well, let me tell you
something, mister.
It doesn't matter how many
of our acts have shown up.
It doesn't matter how many
hours of air time we have to fill.
There is only one
thing that matters here.
The indomitable devotion
that Rose and I have in
our hearts for that windmill.
It's a devotion
for that windmill.
It's a love for that windmill.
And as God as our witness, we
are going to save that windmill.
It's a lighthouse, Blanche.
We're saving the
McKinley Lighthouse.
That eyesore?
That's the one.
We're gonna make
this a great telethon.
Listen, we'll do the entertaining
ourselves if we have to.
All right, ladies, you're
on in 10 seconds.
In 10...
Oh. Well, really...
Right. I've got to...
Five, four, three, two...
No, no!
You do it. You talk.
Hello, this is Rose Nylund.
And this is Blanche Devereaux.
Hi, boys.
And we're going to be with
you for the next eight hours
on the Save the McKinley
Lighthouse Telethon.
So, please call the number
that's flashing on your screen
to make your pledges.
And, uh, for that handsome
guy in the red corvette
that I cut off on
Highway 12 yesterday,
you can call my personal number
which is flashin'
on your screen now.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
I'll get it.
While Blanche is doing that,
why don't I head over to the piano?
I'd like to sing you a song
that I used to sing as a child.
It's an old Minnesotan
farm song entitled,
I Never Thought I'd
Grow a Hair There.
(PLAYING PIANO)
♪ Oom pah, pah ♪ Oom pah, pah
♪ Oom pah, pah
♪ What the hell is that hair? ♪
Rose? We just got
a pledge for $20.
Oh, let's go to the tote board.
Drum roll.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
We're off to a good start.
Okay, now, where was I?
Oh, yes, where Hans
first spots the hair.
♪ Oom pah, pah ♪ Oom pah, pah ♪
Rose? Rose, I just
got a pledge for $50,
if you will stop singin'.
That's right.
50 bucks if she stops singing,
and I'll throw in another 50 if you
slam the piano lid on her fingers.
Ma, after Gloria and I get
the patio door boarded up,
we really should
head for the shelter.
Oh, Dorothy.
What's the matter, kitten?
Oh, I'm just so mad at myself.
You and I were finally
beginning to get close
and I had to go and
do something stupid.
I just feel so terrible.
And the odd thing is, I
wouldn't have thought
to give Stan a second
look if Ma hadn't insisted.
What are you talking about?
Well, Ma practically
pushed us together.
Mama, may I see
you in the kitchen?
You look mighty
pretty today, pussycat.
This isn't going to work,
you little stick person.
What did I do?
You fixed my ex-husband
up with my sister!
You don't see anything
wrong with that?
That's perfectly normal.
Do you know, in some
primitive societies,
it's considered good manners to
give your ex-husband to your sister?
In some primitive societies
they leave their elderly out in
a field for large birds to feed on.
Where do we draw the line?
Right before the
large bird thing.
Dorothy, she was
just trying to help.
And I never actually thought
Stan sent me those flowers.
You sent her flowers?
Well, I had to get the
ball rolling somehow.
You have really
done it this time.
Now, I don't blame
you for this, Gloria.
This is your fault.
You never take my
feelings into consideration.
You can't act like this anymore,
I can't take it.
I won't take it.
Dorothy.
Dorothy, wait.
Fine. You don't want to take it
anymore, you don't have to take it.
See how well you do without me.
(CHIRPING)
And now, I'd like to
do a happy cricket.
Note the difference.
(CHIRPING)
That's great.
Do you do any other insects?
Well, I do a grasshopper that...
Nah, you can't do it on TV.
Oh, well, thank you.
Thank you, Davey Cricket.
And now, let's see
how Blanche is doing
on the phones. Blanche?
Oh, nothing here,
Rose. Back to you.
Oh, wait! I have a bulletin.
"The intensity of Hurricane
Gil has increased dramatically.
"Several boats at the marina
have been beached or capsized."
Oh, and here's an item
of particular interest.
"The McKinley Lighthouse
has been completely destroyed."
What did you say?
I repeat.
"The McKinley Lighthouse
has been completely destroyed."
Oh, that's not good for us.
No.
What about our telethon?
The telethon is over. The
station manager just told me
they're turning
the airwaves over
to the National Weather Service.
This studio has been designated
an official hurricane shelter.
Oh, well, fine.
But, uh, before I go,
I would like to
make one final plea.
Now, I know there is
goodness in your heart
and I know you want to give.
Well, I am ready to take
anything you have to offer.
Share with me.
Ma'am, we've been off
the air for two minutes.
I know it. I'm talking to
Chester on camera two.
Share with me, Chester.
Ma? Ma, are you
home? Ma, don't hide.
Ma?
No, you're too smart to
hide in the same place twice.
Ma?
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
(WIND HOWLING)
Hello, ma'am. Are
you the resident here?
Oh, my God. It's my mother.
No, ma'am, I'm a police officer.
I'm aware of that.
Listen, ma'am, we're evacuating
everyone on this street.
I'd love to come with you, but I can't
find my mother. She's disappeared.
I'm sorry, but everybody
has to come with us.
Believe me, if she's
out there, we'll find her.
Well, look, give me a few minutes.
I have to check the bedrooms.
Can I show the kid Blanche's
room while we're waiting?
Nah, let him be surprised.
Oh, my God.
Dorothy.
Gloria! Stan!
Hey, deja vu, huh, babe?
Just tell me why.
Why in this house?
Why in my bed again?
Dorothy, this place
has memories for us.
This is the place
where Gloria and I first...
Well, I don't have to
tell you. You were there.
Dorothy, it just happened.
I know you think it's wrong,
but it's not a crime, you know.
Yes, it is. Officers?
You brought the cops?
That's right. I came prepared.
Officers, shoot these people.
You heard me, I'm a tax payer.
Shoot them.
No can do, ma'am.
Well, you have to do something.
I mean, this is ridiculous.
My mother is missing
because of these two people
who can't keep their
hands off each other.
Dorothy, please.
You're being irrational.
Yes, I am a pig.
Oh, yeah? What precinct?
Listen, ma'am, we're evacuating
the entire neighborhood.
So the three of you are
gonna have to put away the fight
until we get down
to the shelter.
We will be waiting in the car.
Oh, come on now.
You can too shoot them.
I cannot shoot them. I
can only shoot looters.
Oh, I understand.
Stan, pick up the TV on
your way out, will you?
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Oh, Sophia.
I was getting ready
to go to the shelter.
What are you doing here?
Angelo, you're my big brother.
I can only come to
you. I'm in trouble.
Then the boy will marry you.
No, no, it's nothing like that.
I'm having problems
with Dorothy and Gloria.
I'm a terrible mother.
You're a wonderful mother.
No, I really upset my Dorothy.
She's at a very difficult age.
Just out of menopause, but
the sex drive isn't totally dead yet.
That is an awkward time.
And Gloria, she's my baby.
She hasn't even lost
any of her adult teeth yet.
I'd kill for a piece of
corn that wasn't creamed.
I've done a very
stupid thing, Angelo.
I arranged for Stan and
Gloria to get together.
I should have known better.
It's like when they were young.
Whenever Gloria took
one of Dorothy's old toys,
Dorothy would get interested
again and want it back.
I can still hear her yelling,
"Gloria took my stick.
Gloria took my stick."
Boy, we come from a poor family.
But the way I see it is,
you gave Stan to Gloria.
But Stan is not a stick.
He's not a Betsy Wetsy.
He's not a rubber ball.
He's a man.
You are so wise.
I listen to a lot of talk radio.
I think your love for one child
blinded your love for the other.
But I think you
did Dorothy wrong,
and I think you
must make it right.
(CRASHING)
What is that? We'd
better get to the shelter.
What is this?
Oh, the entrance is blocked.
We can't get out!
We're gonna die!
All right, don't
worry. I have a plan.
They taught me how to deal
with emergencies
in the Italian Army.
Help! Help!
Please help! Help!
Blanche, what are you
doing with all that candy?
Well, whenever there is a
natural disaster, you know,
some unscrupulous opportunist
always hoards all the food.
Well, this time I decided
it might as well be me.
Oh, look, I've given
those cops long enough.
I just have to go out
there and try to find Ma.
Dorothy, you can't go out there.
Well, Rose, I
can't just sit here.
But it is too dangerous.
Oh, I remember back in St. Olaf,
during a tornado, my
mother left the storm cellar
to find Toto.
Her constant companion
and favorite cow.
Why are we nice to her?
The point is, when mother
went out in the storm,
she got quite a
bump on her head.
For the rest of her days,
she kept trying to get that cow
in the little basket on
the front of her bicycle.
Can you believe it? The
machines are all empty.
Oh, that's terrible.
Would you like a Clark bar?
Sure.
$2.50.
It's nice to be
able to talk again
like human beings, like friends.
I said $2.50, Stan. Sorry.
Dorothy, what's happening to us?
I don't know. I was
thinking about it myself.
I don't approve
of you and Gloria,
but if you honestly love her...
You know, I don't
think I love her.
I'm realizing that maybe I was
with her just to make you jealous.
It was the same
thing with the monkey.
You know something, Stan?
I was a little jealous.
Dorothy, it was just
an old traffic cone
with a monkey head on the top.
Jealous of my sister, you idiot.
You're right.
You know, this is what I miss.
You calling me "idiot."
You slamming the door in
my face when I come over.
I know what you mean.
We weren't that happy
when we were married.
We weren't that happy when
we were going to remarry.
Seems our relationship works
best when we're just plain divorced.
I don't want to spend two
years without speaking to you.
No, we shouldn't, Stan.
We share children.
We share grandchildren.
And I like slamming
the door in your face.
This is great. We
should celebrate.
Let's pop open a
soda and make a toast.
Nice try. Five bucks.
Mrs. Zbornak, we
found your mother.
Ma, are you okay?
Of course, I'm okay.
Oh, Ma. Thank
God. Give me a hug.
Okay, now you two hug.
Go on, or I'm going back
out into the hurricane.
Dorothy, I'm sorry.
Oh, don't be.
I'm just so glad to have my
mother and my sister back.
Aren't they cute?
Yeah, and I've had them both.
You're right,
Dorothy. He is a pig.
Sophia, I'm so glad you're safe,
and I have some good news.
The stage manager just told
me the hurricane is breaking up
and we're only going to have
to stay here a few more hours.
Well, I'm gonna
go tell everybody.
Don't you dare. First,
we sell them candy.
Dorothy, I want to talk to you.
I just wanted to say
I'm sorry about the stick.
What stick?
The stick. The one with the sock
on it with the buttons for the eyes?
You mean Scout?
You know where Scout is?
Look, I'm sorry I gave the stick
to your sister when you were a kid.
And I'm sorry about
the other thing, too.
You mean about
giving Stan to Gloria?
Yeah, that and the stick.
I'm sorry about
those two things.
You know what, Ma? I love you.
And I'm glad you're safe.
And I forgive you.
You make me sick.
Here's the latest information
now on Hurricane Gil.
The hurricane has
turned to the north
and is now heading
away from South Florida,
but the coastal sections
have been affected.
We have reports from Miami Beach
of flooding along Collins Avenue
and Ocean Drive in
the Art Deco District.
Top winds have been reported
at about 95 miles per hour
in gusts along the coast
and about 75 miles per
hour at the Miami airport
in the inland sections.
Now, remember,
hurricane season is not over.
The tropics are still very
active, and we have two storms,
one affecting Puerto Rico
and the other, Jamaica, tonight.
♪ Traveled down the
road and back again
♪ Your heart is true
♪ You're a pal and a confidant
♪ And if you threw a party
♪ Invited everyone you knew
♪ You would see
♪ The biggest gift
would be from me
♪ And the card
attached would say
♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪
Ma, what are you doing?
Filling sandbags, Dorothy.
There's a hurricane a-coming.
"A-coming"?
That's right. People
only use the "A"
when a really big storm
is a-coming or a-brewing.
So grab a sack and
start a-shoveling.
Ma, the weather report said
nothing about a hurricane.
Ida Pearlberg down
at the senior center
woke up this morning
with a leg cramp.
Need I say more?
Yes.
Dorothy, when you get around
my age, two things happen.
One, you get more
intuitive about the weather.
And two, corn
becomes your enemy.
Ma, even if there is a
hurricane a-coming...
Don't patronize me.
I'm not patronizing
you. I'm a-mocking you.
Look, Ma, if there is
a hurricane coming,
it's not gonna get
here for a while.
So, come on, sit down and relax.
Okay.
I'm glad we have this quiet
time before the storm hits,
because there's
something I'd like to tell you.
What, Ma?
I always thought
of us as the Gabors.
Well, I'm glad we
had this little chat.
No, hear me out.
I'm Jolie, the mother.
Your sister Gloria,
she's Zsa Zsa.
And Eva... Well, Eva was,
of course, your brother, Phil.
I'm not a Gabor?
You're telling me.
Listen, big news.
Zsa Zsa's coming to town.
Gloria is coming here?
I wish I knew why you
two didn't get along.
I just don't understand it.
For some reason, you've always
been jealous of my good daughter.
Ma, she makes me crazy.
She's always putting
down my way of life,
my... my choice of career.
She's never been there for
me when I've needed her. Never.
And all she ever talks about
is how much money she has.
Dorothy, there's upsetting
news. She's broke.
She invested all her
money in junk bonds,
and now she's broke.
She has no money?
Not a dime. Yes!
Well, this is it.
My last session with
Stan and the psychiatrist.
How do I look?
Oh, fine. Why?
It's so hard to dress
for a psychiatrist.
You wear black, they
think you're depressed.
You wear red, they
think you're angry.
You wear a negligee, they
think you want to sleep with them.
Why aren't you arrested more?
Anyway, Dr. Halperin is really
working wonders with Stan.
You know, he's
gotten him to transfer
his love for me
to a fake monkey.
What are you talkin' about?
Well, it really is very simple.
You see, studies show
that when baby monkeys
are taken away
from their mothers,
they can transfer their
love to fake mothers.
And the same thing
is happening with Stan.
I mean, he's weaning himself
from his relationship with me
by using a fake monkey
for companionship.
Why not use a fake woman?
Oh, well, honey,
that's why Stan went to the
psychiatrist in the first place.
Girls, guess what?
You know that Save the
McKinley Lighthouse campaign
I've been talking about?
Mmm, no.
Oh, sure you do. I've
told you about it 200 times.
No.
Boy, it's like you people don't
pay any attention to me whatsoever.
Hey, when did you sneak in?
Listen, I just got
the television station
to give me eight hours
of air time for the telethon.
Rose, that's wonderful.
The only thing is, there are so
many things to get organized.
I'm gonna have to get
somebody to help me do this.
Well, you could sign me
up. I would love to help.
You?
Oh, you'd turn the telethon
into a disgusting manhunt.
A disgusting manhunt.
What a great idea!
Oh, see, we'll all get
dressed in little safari outfits,
and we'll have the men in cages.
Then we'll let them out and
they'll all run around in loincloths.
And every man who gets
caught will donate $50,
and then we'll get to
take them home with us.
Well, fine.
Save your own damn lighthouse.
Oh, Ma, what time does
Gloria's plane get in?
Oh, she's not taking a plane.
Not taking a plane?
Well, that's impossible.
I mean, how else would she...
Oh, no. Oh, no. You mean...
A bus?
She took the bus
from California.
Yes!
(DOORBELL RINGING)
All right, knock it off.
That's probably her.
Now, you said you'd be nice.
And don't mention she's broke.
Oh, Ma, now why would I do that?
She's my sister.
Besides, I want to
hear it from her mouth.
Dorothy. Gloria.
Ma.
Gloria. Oh, my little girl.
I'm sorry I'm late.
Oh, no, I understand. Buses.
Won't you sit down?
Oh, I thought I heard
that doorbell. Gloria.
Oh, hi, Blanche.
Hi, Rose. Hello.
Look at this. My two
little girls at home again.
So, uh, Gloria, I
understand you're, uh...
Happier than I've ever been.
Can you believe it?
It's like I get to
completely start over.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, right.
You're starting over because
you've lost all of your...
Constraint.
My ties.
I feel like now I can
begin to live again.
I can do anything.
I can even do what you...
What is it you do
again, Dorothy?
I'm a substitute teacher.
Oh, no, I'd be a real teacher.
I am a real teacher.
Oh, look, Ma.
Her ears are
starting to get all red.
(IN SINGSONG VOICE)
Someone's getting mad.
My ears are not getting red.
You know, you
do this every time.
You just come in here and
start pushing my buttons.
Well, it's not gonna work.
Now go ahead, hide your pain.
I can wait.
So, you two are sisters.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
That's Stan. Rose,
would you get the door?
Oh, is Stan still
as crazy as ever?
No, as a matter
of fact, he's not.
We've been going to
a therapist together,
and he's making some
wonderful progress.
Hi. It's me, Stan.
And who's that good-looking
monkey with you?
Don't be condescending.
I know it's silly, but
it's doctor's orders.
It's just a tool to help
me get over Dorothy.
Can I hold him?
Are your hands clean?
Hello, Stan.
Gloria. What are you doing here?
You usually don't like to slum
it with this part of the family.
Stan, please. She's
out of M-O-N-E-Y.
Yeah, well, she's
not getting mine.
She's not out of monkey, Stan.
She's out of money.
Come on. Let's go.
Out of money, is
she? Well, how ironic.
You're broke, and I
have all the money I want.
Not to mention my self-respect
and my monkey.
And a good-looking monkey it is.
Is it me, or is
that a traffic cone?
Jealous?
Come on, Dorothy,
we better get going.
After our session, I have an important
dinner meeting with some investors.
Oh, my God, Stan, you're not
taking your monkey, are you?
Please, they are
Japanese investors.
The last thing I would do
would be to offend them.
She'll be at a separate
table with the other wives.
No, no, Mrs. Gutman.
Honestly, there's
no hurricane coming.
Yes, yes, yes, I heard
about Ida Pearlberg.
She's 5'2" and
weighs 200 pounds.
I'd be shocked if she
didn't have leg cramps.
No, Mrs. Gutman, I'm
not making fun of you.
Good. Well, I'll
see you Tuesday.
Fine, if there is a Tuesday.
Sorry for the interruptions,
but I think every 80-year-old
in the city has gone berserk.
Hey, what can you say? There
are some sick people out there.
(LAUGHING)
Uh, by the way, uh, will my
monkey be okay on my lap,
or should I get a chair?
I have a place for
your monkey, Stan.
Well, Dorothy, it sounds like you're
a little hostile toward the monkey.
You want to talk about it?
What's to talk about?
I had to ride in the back
seat all the way over.
Stan said the monkey
called shotgun.
Well, Dorothy, I don't
think you'd feel this way
if you read my
book, Monkey Love.
Stan came to me
as a needy person.
I've shown him that he can be
happy with an inanimate object.
In other words, Stan, you are
now an independent person.
You don't need this monkey.
Wait a minute, Doc, you're not
thinking about taking away Fifi, are you?
Okay, maybe I
jumped the gun here.
Not having read Monkey Love,
uh, Doctor, how many of your
patients don't get off the monkey?
Over half.
But the monkey
keeps getting smaller,
until ultimately, it's
the size of a keychain.
Dorothy, why don't you
and Stan say your goodbyes?
Stan, can you come
back tomorrow?
Well, we were thinking
about playing bridge.
Oh, Stanley, stop that!
Dorothy, in any event,
your part here is done,
and I'm gonna recommend
as the concluding
and most important
step in your treatment,
that you both spend
at least two years apart.
No phone calls.
No visits. Nothing.
You're both okay with that?
Oh, yeah.
I'll try.
Okay, why don't you both just say
what's on your minds and in your hearts?
Okay.
Well, Dorothy, I'm sorry
this couldn't work out.
Thank you for 38 years of love
and friendship and memories.
I'll cherish them always.
Stan,
ciao.
Oh, you're back from
your session early.
Was it as cathartic
as you thought?
Well, I don't know if
"cathartic" is the word.
You should do what I do.
I find if I repeat a word
that's confused me,
I look smarter than I really am.
Like, "Was it cathartic?"
"Oh, I've had a catharticism."
"Of course, I'm not the
type to kiss and cathartirize."
I tell you, I am still stunned.
I mean, I just can't get over
that Stan is gone forever.
I'm finally free.
Really? Oh, and I feel great.
As a matter of fact, a toast.
Okay.
To finality and closure.
To husbands being out of
our lives, and gone forever!
(BOTH GROANING)
Dorothy!
No, wait, wait. Th-This is good.
I mean, don't cry.
Why are you crying?
Our husbands are
dead, you monster.
I'm sorry. I mean, I
didn't mean it that way.
Oh, come on
now, let's celebrate.
Celebrate? You don't
know what it's like
to have a husband die
and leave you with nothin'.
Just a closet full of
suits that you spend
the rest of your lonely
life tryin' to get rid of.
What are you,
anyway, a 42 regular?
Look, I'm sorry if I
seemed insensitive,
but in every relationship
there are always times
when you don't wanna
be with each other.
I mean, Stan and I
went through a period
where we had no
marital relations at all.
I totally cut off his sex.
You mean it grows back?
Yes, Rose. He's a lizard.
I mean, we stopped having sex.
Boy, I could never do that.
Oh, big surprise.
I'm amazed you're
taking a break now.
All right, leaving your
husbands out of this,
haven't you ever been glad when
one of your relationships ended?
Rose, how about that guy
you dated last summer?
Don't you remember? The one
who played Goofy at Disney World.
I remember the passion, yes.
Do you remember
why it didn't work out?
It just didn't.
Right. But why not?
I don't want to talk about it.
Oh, Rose, honey, there's
nothin' to be ashamed of.
He took off the Goofy head.
He took off the Goofy head.
See, that's not so bad.
Hurricane supplies,
coming through.
What makes you so certain
about the storm, Sophia?
Because I'm old. I know.
I've seen everything twice.
Except Bonfire of the Vanities.
(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)
Ma, listen, I just got
back from my session
and I've got some great news.
Ma, it's over. He is gone.
He is out of our lives forever.
Yeah, forever.
Forever, like my husband, Sal.
(SOBBING)
What is everyone's
problem around here?
Ma, I'm talking about Stan.
I... I feel renewed.
I feel like a huge weight has
been lifted off my shoulders.
Then maybe you should share
some of that happiness with your sister.
Ma, face it. We
just don't get along.
You're family, you should
force yourself to get along.
She needs you.
Oh, Dorothy.
Gloria, hello.
We were just talking about you.
How are you?
(SOBBING)
Oh, nice going, Dorothy.
I asked her how she was doing.
I mean, it's not as if I
mentioned her dead husband.
(ALL SOBBING)
Gloria, you okay?
I just had a bad day.
I guess I'm a little scared.
I don't know, maybe I was
too confident when I got here,
trying to convince
myself I was happy.
I guess I'm really lonely.
Oh, Gloria, I understand.
Oh, I know you
understand, Dorothy.
That's why I came to you.
I'm miserable,
with no prospects.
Oh, Dorothy, how do you do it?
Day after day. Year after year.
I feel lost.
Well, honey, look,
you're in a new city,
you're poor, you're
a single woman.
You have no money.
I know, but... I
mean, you're poor.
Now, you think about that.
Every last cent is
gone. No mas dinero.
Dorothy!
But I'm your sister
and I'm here for you.
I guess I've just been
feeling sorry for myself.
Thinking, "I'm all alone. No
one loves me. Poor Gloria."
Literally.
All right, I'll tell
you what, Gloria,
right now you're lonely,
you're disoriented.
Maybe you need
a little distraction.
Why don't I introduce
you to some men?
(EXCLAIMS)
(LAUGHING) No, no, I'm sorry.
Good idea. You,
Dorothy, can intro...
Can introduce
Gloria to... To... Men.
Oh, gosh, that feels good!
Listen, um, I'm
sorry for crying.
Me, too.
♪ But how can you thank someone
♪ Who's taken you
from crayons to perfume?
♪ It isn't easy, but I'll try
♪ To Sir, with love ♪
Oh, bravo! Bravissimo!
Encore! Encore!
Date me!
Blanche!
Well, he was good.
He was not. He was just a man.
I mean, you've said
yes to all the men
and you've been discriminating
against the women.
I have not.
Just so happens all the women
we've seen have been horrible.
(PIANO PLAYING)
(SINGING)
Thank you!
Well, that's all for now.
But, uh, ma'am, we really
do need some female acts.
Uh, you might want
to tell your friend
not to be so capricious
with her judgments.
Ah, yes, indeed.
For, as we all know,
it's the capricious person
whose capriciosity is
never truly caprified.
Hi, girls. How's it
going? Hello, hello.
Well, Angelo, what
are you doing here?
My brother wants to
try out for the telethon.
I got a song I used to
sing with my partner.
We called ourselves
Tino and Fino.
I'm warning you,
Angelo. No political stuff.
We don't wanna have any trouble.
(SCOFFS)
Uh, where's Fino?
Ah, Fino is... Well, finito.
He was killed, quite ironically,
in a banana-packing plant.
Why was that ironical?
Excuse me, I'm...
I must've made a
mistake in my English.
It was quite comical.
I gotta go limber up.
Hi, Ma.
Dorothy, good, I
need to talk to you.
Well, of course. What's up?
Listen, Dorothy, maybe it's me.
Maybe I'm just
being too critical.
But you know how you
been fixing me up with men?
Ho! Ma!
Oh, you haven't had a good time.
Maybe you shouldn't be
with strangers right now.
You should be with
family and... and friends.
You know, people you know.
You know, you're
right. That would help.
Right now, my life feels like
one frightening gaping maw
ready to consume me.
Did you ever feel like that?
Every day.
And then something changed.
I made friends, I found support.
And, of course, I had Ma.
Frightening, gaping Ma.
(LAUGHING)
You know something, it's kind
of nice having a sister around.
Say, why don't we put
Ma back in her room,
and then you can room with me.
I mean, it'll be kinda fun.
We'll get to know
each other again.
I think that would be wonderful.
Gee, I wonder where Gloria is?
I was thinking
of surprising her,
inviting her to lunch.
I don't get it.
All of a sudden you
two are best friends?
Well, maybe I've changed.
For once, everything
is going well.
My sister is in my life.
Stan is out of my life.
I'm not even going to see
him for two whole years.
Everything is perfect.
Hush, pussycat. Ida's ankles
are swelled up like a blowfish.
Let's see how the
hurricane's going.
REPORTER ON TV: Repeat, South
Florida is now under a hurricane watch.
We'll keep tracking the storm
to see if it's going
to come our way.
I can't believe it, the
Eastern Seaboard's history.
God, it feels good to be right!
(REPORTER CHATTERING ON TV) Well, I'm
not gonna let any bad news affect me today.
I am in control of my fate.
For once in her life,
Dorothy Zbornak is the master
of her own destiny.
I am woman. Hear me roar.
(SCREAMS)
Dorothy.
Gloria, Stan.
Good news, Dorothy.
I'm off the monkey.
Oh, my God, I can't believe it!
I feel light-headed.
I think I'm gonna...
I'm gonna...
No, I'm okay.
Dorothy? Dorothy, are you okay?
(LAUGHING) Oh, what a dream.
I dreamt that you and
Stan were in bed together.
Isn't that silly?
Oh, I mean, my loving sister
and the man I despise most.
Oh, God, the
nightmare continues!
How could you do this?
How could you do this to me?
Dorothy, there's a
hurricane a-coming.
Fierce winds and driving rains.
Who knows what's
gonna happen to all of us?
I felt scared and vulnerable.
Oh, Stan, you big, bald girl.
Look, I know it's wrong,
but I was confused.
So I called Dr. Halperin,
he's coming over right away.
This... This is all my
fault. No, it's my fault.
Maybe it's my fault.
I mean, who goes to their room
in the middle of the
day without knocking?
Oh, pussycat, you've come to.
Boy, it wasn't easy
getting you in here.
Stan took your head,
Gloria took your legs.
I haven't heard such
heavy breathing since...
Well, since before
you passed out.
Ma, please! Oh, come on.
When I said that to Stan,
he laughed so hard
he dropped you.
Ma, you sound happy about this.
I am. This is wonderful.
Your sister found a man.
I don't believe this.
All the years I was
with him he was a yutz.
She goes to bed
with him and it's great?
That's right. He was wrong
for you. He's perfect for her.
Ma, that's ridiculous.
Look, Gloria isn't the kind of
woman that does well by herself.
She's the kind of woman who
needs a rich man to buy her things
and make her feel special.
Oh? And what kind of woman am I?
The kind who should
live with her mother.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Oh, come in,
Doctor. Oh, Dorothy.
Hello, Dorothy. Oh,
Carol, this isn't a good time.
Well, you know me.
When is it a good time?
Besides, I'm with him. We were
on a date when you beeped him.
What? You two are
seeing each other?
You know, for years my father's
been telling me to see a psychiatrist.
I couldn't understand why.
And then a couple of
weeks ago, it dawned on me.
He probably meant socially.
Oh, it's wonderful.
They really listen.
She really talks.
Nice robe.
Why don't I put you down
for an extra session this week?
Uh, look, Carol,
it's nice to see you,
but this is really a
rather personal matter.
Oh, don't worry, Richie
tells me about all his cases.
That isn't true, is it, Richie?
Don't worry. I tell her
things in very general terms,
and I make up wild, crazy
names for my patients,
so there's no way she could
know who I was talking about.
Yeah, but nevertheless... Oh, my God.
I'm in the way. I can go in the kitchen.
Why don't I go in the kitchen?
You know, I used to worry
that I would miss something,
but that was before Richie.
He's making me so unneurotic.
Don't talk about
me. It'll kill me.
So, kids, what's going on?
Well, Doc, I have some news.
I sort of slept with
Dorothy's sister.
Hey, you're off the
monkey. Mazel tov.
Oh, my God. What is it?
You're Dan and Morothy.
Wild and crazy names?
Carol, this is a different
Dan and Morothy.
You mean these aren't the two nuts
who couldn't stop seeing each other?
Dan, a sex-crazed nudnik with
occasional performance problems,
and Morothy, a domineering
tyrant who totally emasculated him?
No more calls. We have a winner.
I can't believe this.
An hour ago, my
life was perfect.
I was finally rid of Dan,
I felt good about
my sister being back,
and now this.
How am I supposed
to cope with this?
Believe me, Dorothy,
it won't happen again.
Right. It was a mistake.
I didn't mean to hurt you.
Okay, we had a slip up here.
But better in the first two years
of the separation than later.
Stan, you have to try again.
Dorothy, if you need to talk about
how you feel, I'm always here for you.
And half price, because of
the Dan and Morothy thing.
Carol, come on.
(CLEARS THROAT)
What would make
Stan do such a thing?
Well, strict Freudians would call
it a co-dependence transference.
But if you ask me, men are pigs.
REPORTER ON TV: The
first effects of Hurricane Gil
are now directly being felt
along the South Florida coast.
Oh, have all the acts shown up?
Are we all set?
Where's the emcee?
All set? Ladies,
trees are falling,
power lines are down everywhere,
you go on in two minutes, only
one of your acts has shown up,
and you got eight hours to fill.
What are you gonna do?
Well, let me tell you
something, mister.
It doesn't matter how many
of our acts have shown up.
It doesn't matter how many
hours of air time we have to fill.
There is only one
thing that matters here.
The indomitable devotion
that Rose and I have in
our hearts for that windmill.
It's a devotion
for that windmill.
It's a love for that windmill.
And as God as our witness, we
are going to save that windmill.
It's a lighthouse, Blanche.
We're saving the
McKinley Lighthouse.
That eyesore?
That's the one.
We're gonna make
this a great telethon.
Listen, we'll do the entertaining
ourselves if we have to.
All right, ladies, you're
on in 10 seconds.
In 10...
Oh. Well, really...
Right. I've got to...
Five, four, three, two...
No, no!
You do it. You talk.
Hello, this is Rose Nylund.
And this is Blanche Devereaux.
Hi, boys.
And we're going to be with
you for the next eight hours
on the Save the McKinley
Lighthouse Telethon.
So, please call the number
that's flashing on your screen
to make your pledges.
And, uh, for that handsome
guy in the red corvette
that I cut off on
Highway 12 yesterday,
you can call my personal number
which is flashin'
on your screen now.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
I'll get it.
While Blanche is doing that,
why don't I head over to the piano?
I'd like to sing you a song
that I used to sing as a child.
It's an old Minnesotan
farm song entitled,
I Never Thought I'd
Grow a Hair There.
(PLAYING PIANO)
♪ Oom pah, pah ♪ Oom pah, pah
♪ Oom pah, pah
♪ What the hell is that hair? ♪
Rose? We just got
a pledge for $20.
Oh, let's go to the tote board.
Drum roll.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
We're off to a good start.
Okay, now, where was I?
Oh, yes, where Hans
first spots the hair.
♪ Oom pah, pah ♪ Oom pah, pah ♪
Rose? Rose, I just
got a pledge for $50,
if you will stop singin'.
That's right.
50 bucks if she stops singing,
and I'll throw in another 50 if you
slam the piano lid on her fingers.
Ma, after Gloria and I get
the patio door boarded up,
we really should
head for the shelter.
Oh, Dorothy.
What's the matter, kitten?
Oh, I'm just so mad at myself.
You and I were finally
beginning to get close
and I had to go and
do something stupid.
I just feel so terrible.
And the odd thing is, I
wouldn't have thought
to give Stan a second
look if Ma hadn't insisted.
What are you talking about?
Well, Ma practically
pushed us together.
Mama, may I see
you in the kitchen?
You look mighty
pretty today, pussycat.
This isn't going to work,
you little stick person.
What did I do?
You fixed my ex-husband
up with my sister!
You don't see anything
wrong with that?
That's perfectly normal.
Do you know, in some
primitive societies,
it's considered good manners to
give your ex-husband to your sister?
In some primitive societies
they leave their elderly out in
a field for large birds to feed on.
Where do we draw the line?
Right before the
large bird thing.
Dorothy, she was
just trying to help.
And I never actually thought
Stan sent me those flowers.
You sent her flowers?
Well, I had to get the
ball rolling somehow.
You have really
done it this time.
Now, I don't blame
you for this, Gloria.
This is your fault.
You never take my
feelings into consideration.
You can't act like this anymore,
I can't take it.
I won't take it.
Dorothy.
Dorothy, wait.
Fine. You don't want to take it
anymore, you don't have to take it.
See how well you do without me.
(CHIRPING)
And now, I'd like to
do a happy cricket.
Note the difference.
(CHIRPING)
That's great.
Do you do any other insects?
Well, I do a grasshopper that...
Nah, you can't do it on TV.
Oh, well, thank you.
Thank you, Davey Cricket.
And now, let's see
how Blanche is doing
on the phones. Blanche?
Oh, nothing here,
Rose. Back to you.
Oh, wait! I have a bulletin.
"The intensity of Hurricane
Gil has increased dramatically.
"Several boats at the marina
have been beached or capsized."
Oh, and here's an item
of particular interest.
"The McKinley Lighthouse
has been completely destroyed."
What did you say?
I repeat.
"The McKinley Lighthouse
has been completely destroyed."
Oh, that's not good for us.
No.
What about our telethon?
The telethon is over. The
station manager just told me
they're turning
the airwaves over
to the National Weather Service.
This studio has been designated
an official hurricane shelter.
Oh, well, fine.
But, uh, before I go,
I would like to
make one final plea.
Now, I know there is
goodness in your heart
and I know you want to give.
Well, I am ready to take
anything you have to offer.
Share with me.
Ma'am, we've been off
the air for two minutes.
I know it. I'm talking to
Chester on camera two.
Share with me, Chester.
Ma? Ma, are you
home? Ma, don't hide.
Ma?
No, you're too smart to
hide in the same place twice.
Ma?
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
(WIND HOWLING)
Hello, ma'am. Are
you the resident here?
Oh, my God. It's my mother.
No, ma'am, I'm a police officer.
I'm aware of that.
Listen, ma'am, we're evacuating
everyone on this street.
I'd love to come with you, but I can't
find my mother. She's disappeared.
I'm sorry, but everybody
has to come with us.
Believe me, if she's
out there, we'll find her.
Well, look, give me a few minutes.
I have to check the bedrooms.
Can I show the kid Blanche's
room while we're waiting?
Nah, let him be surprised.
Oh, my God.
Dorothy.
Gloria! Stan!
Hey, deja vu, huh, babe?
Just tell me why.
Why in this house?
Why in my bed again?
Dorothy, this place
has memories for us.
This is the place
where Gloria and I first...
Well, I don't have to
tell you. You were there.
Dorothy, it just happened.
I know you think it's wrong,
but it's not a crime, you know.
Yes, it is. Officers?
You brought the cops?
That's right. I came prepared.
Officers, shoot these people.
You heard me, I'm a tax payer.
Shoot them.
No can do, ma'am.
Well, you have to do something.
I mean, this is ridiculous.
My mother is missing
because of these two people
who can't keep their
hands off each other.
Dorothy, please.
You're being irrational.
Yes, I am a pig.
Oh, yeah? What precinct?
Listen, ma'am, we're evacuating
the entire neighborhood.
So the three of you are
gonna have to put away the fight
until we get down
to the shelter.
We will be waiting in the car.
Oh, come on now.
You can too shoot them.
I cannot shoot them. I
can only shoot looters.
Oh, I understand.
Stan, pick up the TV on
your way out, will you?
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Oh, Sophia.
I was getting ready
to go to the shelter.
What are you doing here?
Angelo, you're my big brother.
I can only come to
you. I'm in trouble.
Then the boy will marry you.
No, no, it's nothing like that.
I'm having problems
with Dorothy and Gloria.
I'm a terrible mother.
You're a wonderful mother.
No, I really upset my Dorothy.
She's at a very difficult age.
Just out of menopause, but
the sex drive isn't totally dead yet.
That is an awkward time.
And Gloria, she's my baby.
She hasn't even lost
any of her adult teeth yet.
I'd kill for a piece of
corn that wasn't creamed.
I've done a very
stupid thing, Angelo.
I arranged for Stan and
Gloria to get together.
I should have known better.
It's like when they were young.
Whenever Gloria took
one of Dorothy's old toys,
Dorothy would get interested
again and want it back.
I can still hear her yelling,
"Gloria took my stick.
Gloria took my stick."
Boy, we come from a poor family.
But the way I see it is,
you gave Stan to Gloria.
But Stan is not a stick.
He's not a Betsy Wetsy.
He's not a rubber ball.
He's a man.
You are so wise.
I listen to a lot of talk radio.
I think your love for one child
blinded your love for the other.
But I think you
did Dorothy wrong,
and I think you
must make it right.
(CRASHING)
What is that? We'd
better get to the shelter.
What is this?
Oh, the entrance is blocked.
We can't get out!
We're gonna die!
All right, don't
worry. I have a plan.
They taught me how to deal
with emergencies
in the Italian Army.
Help! Help!
Please help! Help!
Blanche, what are you
doing with all that candy?
Well, whenever there is a
natural disaster, you know,
some unscrupulous opportunist
always hoards all the food.
Well, this time I decided
it might as well be me.
Oh, look, I've given
those cops long enough.
I just have to go out
there and try to find Ma.
Dorothy, you can't go out there.
Well, Rose, I
can't just sit here.
But it is too dangerous.
Oh, I remember back in St. Olaf,
during a tornado, my
mother left the storm cellar
to find Toto.
Her constant companion
and favorite cow.
Why are we nice to her?
The point is, when mother
went out in the storm,
she got quite a
bump on her head.
For the rest of her days,
she kept trying to get that cow
in the little basket on
the front of her bicycle.
Can you believe it? The
machines are all empty.
Oh, that's terrible.
Would you like a Clark bar?
Sure.
$2.50.
It's nice to be
able to talk again
like human beings, like friends.
I said $2.50, Stan. Sorry.
Dorothy, what's happening to us?
I don't know. I was
thinking about it myself.
I don't approve
of you and Gloria,
but if you honestly love her...
You know, I don't
think I love her.
I'm realizing that maybe I was
with her just to make you jealous.
It was the same
thing with the monkey.
You know something, Stan?
I was a little jealous.
Dorothy, it was just
an old traffic cone
with a monkey head on the top.
Jealous of my sister, you idiot.
You're right.
You know, this is what I miss.
You calling me "idiot."
You slamming the door in
my face when I come over.
I know what you mean.
We weren't that happy
when we were married.
We weren't that happy when
we were going to remarry.
Seems our relationship works
best when we're just plain divorced.
I don't want to spend two
years without speaking to you.
No, we shouldn't, Stan.
We share children.
We share grandchildren.
And I like slamming
the door in your face.
This is great. We
should celebrate.
Let's pop open a
soda and make a toast.
Nice try. Five bucks.
Mrs. Zbornak, we
found your mother.
Ma, are you okay?
Of course, I'm okay.
Oh, Ma. Thank
God. Give me a hug.
Okay, now you two hug.
Go on, or I'm going back
out into the hurricane.
Dorothy, I'm sorry.
Oh, don't be.
I'm just so glad to have my
mother and my sister back.
Aren't they cute?
Yeah, and I've had them both.
You're right,
Dorothy. He is a pig.
Sophia, I'm so glad you're safe,
and I have some good news.
The stage manager just told
me the hurricane is breaking up
and we're only going to have
to stay here a few more hours.
Well, I'm gonna
go tell everybody.
Don't you dare. First,
we sell them candy.
Dorothy, I want to talk to you.
I just wanted to say
I'm sorry about the stick.
What stick?
The stick. The one with the sock
on it with the buttons for the eyes?
You mean Scout?
You know where Scout is?
Look, I'm sorry I gave the stick
to your sister when you were a kid.
And I'm sorry about
the other thing, too.
You mean about
giving Stan to Gloria?
Yeah, that and the stick.
I'm sorry about
those two things.
You know what, Ma? I love you.
And I'm glad you're safe.
And I forgive you.
You make me sick.
Here's the latest information
now on Hurricane Gil.
The hurricane has
turned to the north
and is now heading
away from South Florida,
but the coastal sections
have been affected.
We have reports from Miami Beach
of flooding along Collins Avenue
and Ocean Drive in
the Art Deco District.
Top winds have been reported
at about 95 miles per hour
in gusts along the coast
and about 75 miles per
hour at the Miami airport
in the inland sections.
Now, remember,
hurricane season is not over.
The tropics are still very
active, and we have two storms,
one affecting Puerto Rico
and the other, Jamaica, tonight.