The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 7, Episode 7 - Dateline: Miami - full transcript

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidant

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see

♪ The biggest gift
would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪

♪ Heaven ♪ I'm in heaven



♪ And my heart beats
so that I can hardly... ♪

What are you all looking at?

You.

What are you so happy about?

If I know my Dorothy, there's only
one thing that makes her this happy.

You're going back
to Shady Pines?

No, you moron. She has a date.

Oh.

Is that true, Dorothy? Do
you have a date tonight?

Rose, I mean, that's an awfully
personal question to... Yes!

Oh, good God. Dorothy Zbornak
has a date on a Saturday night

and Blanche Devereaux does not?

That sounds like an idea
for a Stephen King book.

Well, I wasn't going to tell you



who I'm going out with tonight

because I thought it
might hurt your feelings,

but I realize now that's a plus.

It so happens I'm having dinner

with Dr. Lee Kagan,
a medical corporation.

Not our Dr. Kagan?

The Dr. Lee Kagan I
love more than life itself?

Dr. Kagan?

Hubba-hubba-zing-zing,
baby, he's got everything.

But I've been disrobing in front
of Dr. Kagan for three years.

Why would he ask you out
when he's seen the promised land?

I really don't know.

Too many squatters?

Don't wait up.

Hold it right there.
He's not picking you up?

What kind of guy
doesn't pick up his date?

Oh, no, we just decided to
meet at L'Auberge. It's no big deal.

Oh, wait just a minute.

This whole thing
is a trick, isn't it?

You're just tryin' to make us think
you're goin' out with Dr. Kagan.

I am not lying.

You're just jealous
about the fact

that I have a date on a
Saturday night and you don't.

Saturday night? Kids' stuff.

Get lucky on a Tuesday
morning, then call me.

I guess I'm just not
attracted to crossing guards.

Dorothy, a guy sets a folding
chair up in front of my house,

I want to know more.

Well, I'm off.

If you need something to keep
you occupied tonight, Rose,

why don't you take out a good
book and see if you can find Waldo?

(LAUGHING)

I've never liked her.

I don't care what Dorothy says.

Any man who doesn't pick a
lady up at her home for their date

is a jerk, plain and simple.

Well, yeah, he's
obviously a jerk.

Well, he's taking
her to L'Auberge.

Jerks love that place.

I went there once with the
biggest jerk in the whole world.

It was right after Charlie died.

I had just moved to Miami,
I was very vulnerable,

and I did something that I...

I guess was a little dumb.

BOTH: No.

ROSE: I agreed to
go out on a blind date.

This is my favorite restaurant.

Have you ever been here before?

No, I'm just starting to get
back in the social scene.

And it isn't easy.

There are just so
many jerks out there.

You don't have
to worry about me.

I'm so normal, I'm dull.

Oh, you're not dull.

I mean, compared
to not dating at all.

(CHUCKLING) Rose,
maybe I shouldn't say this,

because some day I hope to
be a Supreme Court Justice,

but you are quite a babe.

Thank you.

Oh, this is a nice place.
Do you come here a lot?

Oh, no, not really.

I don't have much
of a social life.

So, this is where you bring
your cheap, fake-blonde floozies.

John, you disgust me.

And as far as I'm
concerned, we're through.

Who was that?

My sister.

May I recommend the...

The Poulet Veronique?

John, I have a rule.
If I can't pronounce it,

I don't put it in my mouth.

Say, do they have gougenflucter?

Alan. Alan, please talk to me.

You haven't answered my
calls. You don't answer my letters.

Alan, please. What can I say?

What can I do to get you back?

Alan?

Nickname.

Susan, uh, Susan, please.

Uh, this is not the
time or the place.

It's me, isn't it? I've
driven you away.

What if I dyed my hair?

I'd even dye it that color.

If they still make that color.

Susan, it's over, and
you have to accept that.

And a word of warning, I
haven't graded your final exam yet.

So, shall we order
separate entrees and share?

Hold it, who was that?

Okay, okay, so I've had

a couple of bad
relationships with women.

That's not so unusual.

Now, where is our
waiter? Would...

Oh, waiter!

(IN BRITISH ACCENT)
Well, well, Peter.

We just swing the way
the wind blows, don't we?

And who's this? Glinda,
the Good Witch of the North?

You disgust me.

After the way you've treated me,

I should scratch your eyes out.

Call me.

Poker buddy.

You know, I don't think this
dinner was such a good idea.

Now, Rose, please
don't leap to conclusions.

I'm sorry, John, but I think
I'll just catch a cab home.

Rose, you're
hurting my feelings.

Believe me, this is
not what it seems.

John Patrick Anderson
is a regular guy.

Shlomo Ziegler? Yes?

You're under arrest.

Your days as the
Freeway Flasher are over.

I know what you're thinking,
Rose, but you're wrong.

And if I can make bail, I'd
love to see you tomorrow night.

I don't think so.

May I call you? I... I
get one phone call.

Men.

I think we both need a hug.

Oh, he was such a jerk.

And he was no better
on our second date.

I can't believe my pussycat's been
out with that guy for three hours.

I'm getting worried.

Maybe I should call the police.

Nah, he's probably okay.

Wow, it's after midnight.

She must be having a good time.

Not necessarily.
What do you mean?

Oh, don't you remember a date
you and I had a few years back?

Oh, that. New
Year's Eve. Uh-huh.

Oh, I remember. You and
Dorothy were in New York,

and I had planned to
spend the evening alone.

Of course, that was before Blanche
brought those two brothers home

from the Rusty Anchor.

How could you do
this to me, Blanche?

You knew I wanted
to spend tonight alone.

Rose, nobody who says they
want to be alone on New Year's Eve

ever really means it.

I did.

Well, you're a freak.

Besides, it's bad luck if you
don't get kissed at midnight.

Why, my New Year's Eve kiss is the
most important one of the whole year.

It sets the tone for
the next 365 days.

One year, I didn't get kissed
at midnight on New Year's Eve,

I didn't get lucky till
after the Orange Bowl.

Well, if being kissed
is all you care about,

why didn't you just stay
at the Rusty Anchor?

Oh, it was too crowded.

They threw you out
again, didn't they?

Like I'm the only person who ever
mixed a margarita in a sailor's mouth.

Hi, fellows.

Here's something
you two can nibble on.

And we brought you
some hors d'oeuvres, too.

Rose, isn't there something
you want to show Arnie

out on the lanai?

Oh, now that you
mention it, Blanche...

No, there isn't.

Rose, you remember our
signal when I want you to leave?

You wouldn't hit me
in front of company.

Come on, Arnie, I... I want to
show you the answer to a riddle.

What's Irish and
stays out all night?

I don't know. What, Rose?

Paddy O'Furniture.

I'm gonna get you for this, Bob.

Well, Bob, I finally
have you all to myself.

Why don't I fix us
some drinks, huh?

Actually, I don't drink.

Oh, then I know
what'll loosen us up.

We can play a game with my
naughty cards from Denmark.

Aces are high and I'm wild.

Well, I really don't
gamble either, Blanche.

Oh, believe me. It's no gamble.

But you know what I do like?

I like music.

Music? Well,
wonderful, we can dance.

Oh, yeah, we can do one of those
hot, sweaty South American dances

they do in the street 'cause
they don't have television sets.

Well, you got me again,
Blanche. I don't dance.

You don't drink, you don't
gamble, you don't dance.

By God, what are you, a priest?

Yes.

So, uh, where are you guys from?

I think I detected an accent.

What does it matter?

Life is just one bottomless
pit of muck and despair.

Let me guess. New Jersey?

Rose, I can't pretend,
even on New Year's Eve.

The truth is, I recently
lost my beloved wife.

She's gone.

And it's on nights
like this when it...

It really hits me.

Oh, Arnie, I'm so sorry.

You know, it's moments like this

that it helps to know
that time heals all.

You know what else works?

A good back rub.

So I left the priesthood
four months ago.

It was a very difficult
decision for me.

But after a lot of
soul-searching,

everybody agreed that I could
do more good on the outside.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So...

I guess these last four months
have just been one big party, huh?

(LAUGHING)

Well, I haven't been to any
discotheques yet, if that's what you mean.

Actually, my brother Arnie
dragged me out tonight.

This is my first date.

You mean...

Your first date ever?

That's right. I've never
been with a woman.

Well, not in the biblical sense.

Whoops, there I go again.

You can take the boy
out of the seminary...

Let me get this straight.

Um...

You've never...

Never, ever?

Not once.

Have you even thought about it?

Only all the time.

To be honest, I've never
even seen a naked lady.

So what we're saying here is,

you're a virgin?

A virgin.

Oh, God.

This brings out
the artist in me.

So you can imagine how
relieved Farmer Gunlinger was

when he looked up and saw it
wasn't his cow up in that tree.

(SOBBING)

Arnie, what...
What's the matter?

The cow story.

My wife's name was Elsie.

Oh, Arnie, I'm so...

How can I make you feel better?

You know what would
make me feel better?

You could hold me.

Now, how's that?

Better.

Here we go.

You know, Blanche, you
really don't have to do this.

Oh, but I want to, Bob.

Your first time should
be really special.

You need a woman who
won't make you nervous

or put unrealistic
demands on you.

A woman who'll be
tender and kind and gentle.

Where the heck
is that riding crop?

Are you sure this is helping
you get over your grief?

I think so.

But you know what would make
me feel even better than this?

What?

A... A kiss. A New
Year's Eve kiss.

Oh, I don't know.

In memory of my late wife.

When you put it that way, I...

Now, you know what would
make me feel really great?

So, tell me how
you're feelin', Bob.

Nervous. Excited.

Spiritually confused.

Did I mention excited?

Let the games begin.

Oh, boy.

So, how do I start?

Oh, how do we start, Bob.

Well, 98 times out of 100,

I think the best way
to start is with a kiss.

What are the other two?

Baby steps, Bob. Baby steps.

Oh, boy.

(EXCLAIMS) You are
gross and disgusting

and you make my skin crawl.

You can help me change.

Rose, what's going on?

Oh, well, Arnie thinks I'm gonna
sleep with him because his wife died.

Hold it, Elsie's not dead.

She's at a fat farm in Sarasota.

Now the truth's out, Rose,
don't you feel sorry for me?

Get out!

Call you? Get out!

What is it with men?

Why would you want to
have sex with somebody

you've only known a few hours?

Rose.

Why can't they understand
that sex is no good

if it isn't with
someone you love?

Rose.

Oh, the very thought
of it makes me feel dirty.

Rose!

Oh, gosh. She's
right. I do feel dirty.

Well, don't worry.
You'll get used to it.

Blanche, I'm going home,

getting down on my knees,
and begging for forgiveness.

Yeah, we can do that.

Wait!

(EXCLAIMS)

But I didn't get my
New Year's kiss,

and it's almost midnight!

Darn it.

I gotta kiss
somebody at midnight.

MAN ON TV: Five,
four, three, two, one...

Happy New Year!

(CROWD CHEERING ON TV)

Don't even think about it.

So what you're saying is, this guy was
a jerk because he didn't sleep with you?

Well, yeah. What did
you think I was sayin'?

Gosh, it's gettin' late.

I bet it's after 1:00 and
Dorothy's not home.

I guess Dr. Kagan's
turning out to be wonderful.

Or maybe he drugged her
and sold her into white slavery.

Either way, I'm glad
she's out of the house.

Now, sit back and
listen, I got a jerk story.

Okay.

Picture it. Brooklyn, 1948.

My friend's son was helping
me out around the house.

I was expecting Dorothy home
from the library any minute.

I finished stacking those
crates for you, Mrs. Petrillo.

Thank you, Myron.
You're a good kid.

In fact, before you go, I'd like
to have a little talk with you. Sit.

As you know, Myron,

I've always thought of you
as a bright, polite young man.

Talented, ambitious, smart...

I'm not going out with
your daughter, Mrs. Petrillo.

You've got to, Myron.

She's spending too much time
with this yutz named Zbornak.

She has to see what
a real date is like.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Petrillo.
She's just not my type.

I see.

Uh, how about
Mr. Hamilton. Is he your type?

What time should I pick her up?

7:30, and buy her
something pretty.

Okay, but if you want
me to kiss her good night,

it's gonna cost you extra.

But no tongue.

Ah, what the hell?

Oh, look, my beautiful
daughter is home from school.

Hello, pussycat, Sam.

It's Stan, Mrs. Petrillo.

Yeah, right. Now find
someone who cares.

Ma, we've got something
really important to tell you.

It can wait. Dorothy, you
remember Myron, don't you?

Listen, Ma. We gotta talk now.

Don't be rude, Dorothy,
we have a guest.

Don't you have
something to say, Myron?

Uh, Dorothy, I was wondering
if you would do me the honor

of going out with
me tomorrow night?

Well, what do you say, Dorothy?

I'm pregnant.

This is gonna cost a lot more.

Deal's off, Myron.
You better go.

Okay. But what about this?

Hush money.

Honestly, Mrs. Petrillo, I
don't know how this happened.

Hmm, let's see.

Did you both drink
out of the same cup?

Stanley, go into the kitchen.

I wanna talk to Ma in private.

I'm sorry, Ma.

I know I've disappointed you.

How could you let
this happen, Dorothy?

How could you throw everything
away for an hour's worth of passion?

I don't know. It just sort of...

What do you mean
an hour's worth?

It's supposed to take an hour?

And what happens to your dream?

You were gonna be the
first Petrillo to go to college.

You were gonna be a teacher.
I'm still gonna be a teacher, Ma.

This won't change that.

Now, when you say an hour,
does that include everything?

Oh, God, Dorothy, we've
gotta get you married.

Stan's asked me to marry him.

But who? Who could we
get? Who? Who? Who?

I told Stan yes.

Did you sign anything?

Ma...

I guess we have no choice.

My baby is having a baby.

I can't believe it.

Ma,

I'm scared.

Look, pussycat,

even though it's gonna hurt
a lot, and I do mean a lot,

there's something very special
about bringing a new life into this world.

And this child's got a lot of
love waiting for him right here.

Thanks, Ma.

I don't believe I did this.

And I hate his name.

For the rest of my life I'm
gonna be Dorothy Zbornak.

Ah, come on, pussycat,
look on the bright side.

At least he's got
a full head of hair.

Wow, Sophia. That
was some story.

Yes, it was. Funny, touching,
with a surprise twist ending.

I wonder if it was true.

Ah, damn that stroke.

Oh, Dorothy, you're home.

Well, doesn't anyone want to
hear how my date turned out?

Oh, honey, was it just terrible?

Oh, sweetheart, you can tell us.

It was wonderful.

Really? Where is Dr. Marvelous?

What kind of a man doesn't
walk a girl to the door?

One who's too exhausted to walk.

Dorothy Zbornak, I am
shocked, and I want details.

I tell you the night
was just magical.

We laughed, we danced,

we drank, we cried,
we did it all. Even...

No, I can't tell
you. I'm too shy.