The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 7, Episode 6 - Mother Load - full transcript
Blanche faces off against the mother of her latest boyfriend over his affections; Stan convinces Dorothy to join him in therapy.
♪ Thank you for being a friend
♪ Traveled down the
road and back again
♪ Your heart is true
♪ You're a pal and a confidant
♪ And if you threw a party
♪ Invited everyone you knew
♪ You would see
♪ The biggest gift
would be from me
♪ And the card
attached would say
♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪
Oh, Ma, I'm making dinner.
What would you like to eat?
A nice thick T-bone
steak, corn on the cob,
and pecan pie for dessert.
Now ask me what I can chew.
I'll start soaking
the cornflakes now.
Girls, you will never guess
who was just on the phone!
The real phone, Rose, or
your Farmer in the Dell phone?
Oh, please.
I haven't had a Farmer in
the Dell phone since I was 50.
Now, who called, Rose?
Jerry Kennedy!
Jerry Kennedy, the
newscaster? Uh-huh.
He's coming over to
pick up his daily planner.
I took it home from
work by mistake.
Boy, was I embarrassed when I showed
up for handball with Walter Cronkite.
By the way, if you
ever run into Walt,
don't tell him he looks
like Captain Kangaroo.
Miami's most glamorous
anchorman is comin' here?
Oh, I'm gonna go freshen up.
If his bottom half is as good
as his top half, I'm in love.
Boy, the timing of Jerry's
visit works out perfectly for me.
See, his birthday
is in two weeks,
and the office is giving
him a surprise roast.
So I have to come up with one or
two things that I can kid him about.
I can get away with it 'cause
he considers me a good friend.
Well, then why not tease
him about his taste in friends?
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Oh, that must be Jerry now.
Now, remember the roast.
I really wanna nail him.
So keep your eyes peeled
for any oddities or quirks.
Hi. It's me, Stan.
There's one. What do I win?
Stanley, what do you want?
Dorothy, I know you're still mad
at me for spoiling our wedding,
but I've got some
news. Big news.
And I thought you might
wanna hear about it.
You've misjudged me.
Dorothy,
I'm seeing a psychiatrist.
I've discovered that the
old Stan really wasn't Stan.
He was merely a Stan
trying to be the Stan
that everyone thought
Stan should be.
Hey, I've been there.
But now, with a little bit of
help, I'm becoming a new Stan.
Oh, great.
I'll take a People magazine
and a Morning Herald.
Ma, he is not a newsstand.
He's a new Stan.
Then you can see the change?
I'm waiting for the change.
That was a $5 I handed you.
Look, Stan, old Stan, new Stan,
tastes-great-less-filling Stan.
The point is, I
am not interested.
Good luck in therapy.
Dorothy, I don't
think you quite get it...
I get it perfectly.
You're going to therapy
to try to win me back.
And I'm telling you,
you're wasting your time.
Not to mention $100 an hour.
$110, Dorothy. This guy's got
the little beard and everything.
Dr. Halperin's working with me
on something called "closure."
I'm not going there
to try to win you back.
I'm going there to
try to get over you.
Go around her,
it takes less time.
The doctor feels
that if you would
maybe join me at
a session or two,
I might be able to work through
my attachment that much sooner.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
What do you say, babe?
I don't know. I mean, I'd...
I'd have to give
it some thought.
Jerry, hello! Hello, Rose.
I'm sorry about all this.
Ah, sorry? There's
no need to be sorry.
I'm a man who acknowledged
he had a problem,
and I'm seeing
somebody about it. Now...
Goodbye, Stan.
He's our mailman.
We've just allowed him
to get a little too close.
Jerry, I'd like you to
meet my friends, Dorothy...
How do you do? How do you do?
And her mother, Sophia. Hello.
Ma, you recognize our guest?
Of course I do.
The only man you've had in your
bedroom after 11:00 since we moved here.
Jer, I'll get your planner.
Watch this, Dorothy. He won't
even know I'm fishing for info.
You know, Jerry, uh,
when I was a little girl,
my father misplaced
his daily planner, too.
It was when we were on
the way to the state fair.
Speaking of state fairs,
is it true that you're cheap?
Oh, my goodness.
We have company.
Just so embarrassed to
be seen in this old thing.
Don't worry, Blanche.
The dress covers most of it.
Jerry, I'd like you to meet my
roommate, Blanche Devereaux.
And, Blanche, this is...
Oh, why, you don't
have to tell me.
"From the Gulf
coast to the Atlantic,
"from the Keys to
the Okeefenokee,
"with the 11:00 news,
this is Jerry Kennedy."
Well, I'm flattered.
From the pit of my stomach
to the porcelain of the bowl...
There isn't an evenin' I miss
one of your broadcasts, Jerry.
I just loved that in-depth location
piece you did on the homeless.
Oh, thank you very much.
My agent said if I hadn't
referred to them as bums,
I would have won a Peabody.
Wow. So, Jer, uh, ever
dress up like a horse?
Well, not so far, but I
thank you for asking.
Now, Rose, I think I just better
grab my day planner
and skedaddle.
No, you don't want
to skedaddle yet.
Don't you want to stay and
have a drink before you go?
Oh, sorry, I never
drink and skedaddle.
Besides, I have to stay sharp.
I've got a handball game
with Captain Kangaroo.
(GASPS)
Ooh, why, you devil.
Are you suggesting another time?
Just name it. I'll be there.
Well... Tomorrow,
2:30, the Empire Lounge.
Well, sure. Why
not? I'll see you there.
Oh, Jerry?
Do it just once for us.
Well, okay.
This is Jerry Kennedy saying
good night, and remember,
wherever there's
news, I'll be here.
(GROANS)
(MOANS)
Oh, my, my, my, my, my!
Why do I feel the need to bathe?
So, how was it, Blanche?
Oh, you might as
well ask me to describe
the glory of the Great
Smoky Mountains
as they rise from the
mist of a Carolina dawn.
They went to a sleazy motel.
Or the colors of the
monarch butterfly,
spreading its wings
as it emerges from
the miracle of the cocoon.
She got him to pay
for half the room.
Or the sturdy cypress
reaching heavenward,
tall and mighty and proud!
That one I think is
pretty self-explanatory.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Who can that be at this hour?
Oh, I bet it's Jerry comin'
back for his good-night kiss.
You know, sometimes
you get so busy
buttonin' up and
all, you forget.
How do you do?
I'm Millicent Kennedy,
Gerald's mother.
Oh, how do you do?
I'm looking for
the cheap jezebel
who's ruining my Gerald's life.
Blanche, company!
Blanche Devereaux,
I'm here to tell you
to keep your hands off my baby.
He's very special,
and no one can take
care of him the way I can.
Well, excuse me, but I haven't
heard any complaints so far.
Did you know that
Gerald is afraid of clowns?
Or that he can't go to the
bathroom except at home?
Oh, so that's why there's
that look on his face
right before they
get to the weather.
Just leave my dumpling
alone, understand? Or else!
Blanche, why did you let her go?
She'd be the
perfect person to ask
if there's anything about Jerry
I could make fun of at the roast.
We'll tell you
what's wrong with us
if you tell us what's
wrong with you.
That really won't
be fair, will it, Stan?
I mean, now they know
what's wrong with us.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Well, Dorothy, the sooner we do
this, the sooner you're rid of me.
Stanley. Ah, Doc.
You shaved the little beard.
It's still $110, Stan.
You must be Dorothy.
Please, come in.
I've heard only good
things about you, Doctor.
You want a hug?
Maybe later.
Well, Doc, before
you get started,
I just want to say
that I love this woman,
and although she's angry,
I believe she still loves me.
So, please,
please, Dr. Halperin,
help the two of us put this
crazy marriage back together.
Put the marriage back together?
You told me we were
coming here for closure.
Stan, I'm confused.
Is this true?
Doc, we're both men. Let's
not do this to each other.
Stanley. Okay, okay, I lied.
But so what? You never have?
Only once, Stanley.
The night I told you it
was good for me, too.
(LAUGHING)
And you said she didn't
have a sense of humor.
Stan, it sounds to me like
you're going to extreme measures
to make some kind
of point here today.
Now, why don't you just
come out with that point?
Come home, Mama Bear.
Papa Bear gets so
cold sleeping alone.
Couldn't you just medicate him?
I would love to, but I'm not allowed
to write prescriptions for six months.
Please, will you sit down, Stan?
People, you may not believe it,
but these issues are
not insurmountable.
It's not like that couple you were
sitting next to in the waiting room.
Major problems in the sack.
Doctor, that's confidential.
You shouldn't
be telling us that.
I know, but I like you.
Now, Stan, what you
have to do is ask yourself,
why would you want
to be with a woman
who so clearly doesn't
want to be around you?
Well, I think I can
answer that, Doctor.
There's no other kind.
Last time we met,
you told me that
when you were a boy your
mother didn't want you around.
Well, so my mother
didn't love me.
I mean, what's that
got to do with anything?
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Doc, Sophia may not
want to have me around,
but that doesn't mean
she doesn't love me.
Stan, did you hear
what you just said?
Yes, I said you love me.
You said, "Sophia."
You meant me,
but you said Sophia.
You know, that's
interesting, Stan.
You made that same
slip in our last session.
Who's Sophia? My mother.
Calling Dr. Freud.
Look, I can't say
anything definitively,
but there's strong evidence here
that Stan doesn't
actually love you.
I don't? He doesn't?
That's correct.
A theory would be that he's
neurotically obsessed with you.
Dorothy, we could build on that.
Actually, he's obsessed
with your mother.
Are you saying that
his desire to be with me
is really his desire
to be with my mother?
Wild, huh?
It's all subconscious.
Sophia represents
Stan's own mother
who passed away before the
two of them could resolve things.
Doc, this is rougher
than the session
when I thought I
was in love with you.
I still have the flowers.
Stan, you see, in
order to achieve closure,
you need to hear
Sophia, that is to say,
your own mother
tell you she loves you.
Now, there's not much we can
do here without Sophia being here.
Dorothy, what are the chances
you can get her to
come to our next session?
Gee, I... I don't
know what to say.
I mean, no one's ever asked
me to bring her along before.
I'll do the best I can.
Doc, what can I say?
You're a miracle worker.
It's all part of
being professional.
Now, who's my 3:00?
Oh, great.
Mr. "I'm scared
of the dark" is next.
Wanna hit the lights
on the way out?
Jerry is not a mama's boy.
In fact, he and I came to a
major understanding tonight.
He and his mother aren't
gonna see any other girls?
Jerry is simply a
man who happens
to be sensitive to
his mother's needs.
Ma, Blanche is right.
Jerry's aware his mother
is getting on in years.
He's concerned
about her happiness,
and he's chosen to
live at home with her
because he can't go to
the bathroom anyplace else.
Girls, I think I have my
opening for the roast.
Listen.
"Good evening, everyone.
"I hope you enjoyed
your Cornish game hen."
(GIGGLING)
What... What's so
funny about that?
Oh, I didn't set it up.
You see, we're serving
Cornish game hen.
Oh, well, now that
you've explained it.
But this still doesn't
say anything about Jerry.
I know, I know, but
I've drawn a blank.
I even called his brother,
and they haven't spoken since
Jerry was arrested for public nudity.
Damn it, there is
just nothing funny
about that clown-fearing,
mama's boy!
He is not a mama's boy.
And to prove it, he has
agreed to bring his mother
over here tomorrow afternoon
so he can stand up
to her in front of me.
Good for you, Blanche.
But if confronting Mrs.
Kennedy doesn't work,
the three of you might
consider a joint therapy session.
Therapy's a wonderful idea.
Oh, I remember St. Olaf's
most famous psychotherapists,
the Freud brothers,
Sigmund and Roy.
You may have
read their bestseller,
If I Have All the Cheese I
Want, Why Am I Still Unhappy?
Ma, all I know is,
you would not believe
the progress that
Stanley is making.
As a matter of fact, I
was going to invite you
to one of his sessions
with Dr. Halperin.
The psychiatrist? Please.
In the old days, we
didn't need psychiatrists.
You had a problem?
You fought, you drank,
you got a little on the side.
You dealt with it.
Wait a minute. This
isn't Splash Mountain.
Ma, we're not going
to Splash Mountain.
I want you to meet Dr. Halperin.
He's Stan's psychiatrist.
Mrs. Petrillo, I've
heard a lot about you.
Lies! All lies!
Yes, I wanted a boy, but
slowly I learned to accept her.
I just meant it was
nice to meet you.
Oops.
Please, sit down.
Ma, as you know, Stan's been
having difficulty making it on his own.
Dr. Halperin believes
that you can help him
in his struggle to
separate from me.
Sure I can.
Stay away from my daughter
or I'll have your legs broken.
Ma, will you try to be serious?
I mean, where are you
going to get the $400?
Just a rough guess.
Sophia, without going into
a lot of psychological detail,
I believe Stan's clinging
to Dorothy is really
a suppressed longing
for his mother's love.
Now, my theory is
that, subconsciously,
he's transferred
that longing to you.
And if you're wrong?
I owe the parking
guys a round of drinks.
Look, Ma, tell
Stan you love him.
He'll be out of
our lives forever.
You don't even love him.
How am I supposed to?
I'll give you $1,000.
Sonny boy!
That's... That's
enough, the both of you.
This isn't the way
it's supposed to be.
If it isn't real,
what does it mean?
Let's just forget it.
What, you're surprised?
I'm supposed to love you?
Oh, sure, Stan, I love you.
I love you for knocking up my
daughter when she was 17 years old.
For sponging off Sal
and me for eight years.
For cheating on Dorothy
left, right, and sideways.
Oh, yeah, I love you.
Sophia, listen,
I know I always haven't
been the best son-in-law,
but I've got other
memories. Good memories.
The four of us watching
TV on that ugly green sofa
Sal bought from his boss.
Summer weekends
on the Jersey shore.
It hasn't been all bad.
Dorothy, help me out here.
Dorothy? I'm
thinking, I'm thinking.
Look, if I have hurt
somebody, I am sorry.
But you should know,
I've hurt myself worse.
Sophia, I did the best I could.
I suppose you did.
Can't you find it anyplace
in your heart to forgive me?
Any place in your heart
when you loved me?
Have you loved me ever?
There was that one morning
at St. Francis Hospital.
You and me peeking
through the maternity window
the first time they wheeled
Dorothy and little Michael out.
There was a whole
happy future in your smile.
I suppose I did.
I suppose I do.
I do love you, Stan.
I love you, Ma.
Oh, this is great.
But I want you to understand,
this is just the first step.
Doctor, you are a
genius. I feel great!
Let's go to dinner
and celebrate.
How does Chinese food sound?
I love Chinese food.
Oh, why not? A celebratory
dinner to bury the hatchet.
Who invited you?
Don't wait up.
You know, I cannot remember
when I had a sponge
cake quite so m-moist.
Extremely moist.
The moistest.
I found the tea
rather moist, as well.
What? I can't be
uncomfortable, too?
Well, all these raves have put
me in the mood for another slice.
Gerald, do you really feel
you need another slice?
Oh, well, maybe
you're right, Mother.
The television camera
does exaggerate the pounds.
Oh, I don't see where
a little sliver would hurt.
Finally, some action.
Well, Blanche, I
really shouldn't.
Yes, Jerry, you should.
No, he shouldn't.
He's watching his
refined sugar intake.
Yes, he should. This cake is
sweetened with natural fruit juices.
No, he shouldn't.
His cross-country skiing
machine is in the shop.
Yes, he should. He gets plenty,
and I mean plenty,
of exercise with me.
Checkmate. Hand the guy a fork.
Well, maybe I
shouldn't, Blanche.
I mean, t-this darn girdle
is tight enough as it is.
Rose, did you catch that?
I sure did, my
friend. "Darn girdle."
The man refuses to curse.
Blanche, if you're
going to insist
on contradicting
every opinion I have,
I won't allow Gerald
to continue seeing you.
Allow me? Allow...
Mother, this is where it stops.
See what happens? You
put sugar in his tea, didn't you?
It is not the sugar,
Mother! It's you!
Mama's boy, huh?
This is my life.
I'm a grown man,
and I am going to love
the woman I want to love,
whether she meets
with your approval or not!
(EXCLAIMS) Put this man's
picture on a can of stew.
Blanche, I want to thank
you for showing me the light.
How can I ever repay you?
Hawaii. Big Island.
Mother, you are just going to
have to live with your prejudices.
I don't care what
your objections are.
I've made up my mind, and I'm
going to be with the woman I love!
Oh, Jerry!
I'm going back to Christina.
Thanks again, Blanche.
MILLICENT: Gerald, wait!
We don't like
Christina, remember?
Blanche, honey, you okay?
Oh, why do these things
keep happenin' to me?
And why do I let
them keep happenin'?
I'm just tired of
gettin' all dressed up,
lookin' gorgeous, going out,
only to lose out in the end.
On the other hand,
I am dressed up,
and I do look gorgeous,
and it is gringo night at
Hernando's Hacienda.
Oh, but I don't think I ought
to go. I'm just so vulnerable.
Does anyone know how to
say vulnerable in Spanish?
Oh, never mind, I'll
say it with my eyes.
Adios.
I said it before,
and I'll say it again.
Sluts just heal quicker.
♪ Traveled down the
road and back again
♪ Your heart is true
♪ You're a pal and a confidant
♪ And if you threw a party
♪ Invited everyone you knew
♪ You would see
♪ The biggest gift
would be from me
♪ And the card
attached would say
♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪
Oh, Ma, I'm making dinner.
What would you like to eat?
A nice thick T-bone
steak, corn on the cob,
and pecan pie for dessert.
Now ask me what I can chew.
I'll start soaking
the cornflakes now.
Girls, you will never guess
who was just on the phone!
The real phone, Rose, or
your Farmer in the Dell phone?
Oh, please.
I haven't had a Farmer in
the Dell phone since I was 50.
Now, who called, Rose?
Jerry Kennedy!
Jerry Kennedy, the
newscaster? Uh-huh.
He's coming over to
pick up his daily planner.
I took it home from
work by mistake.
Boy, was I embarrassed when I showed
up for handball with Walter Cronkite.
By the way, if you
ever run into Walt,
don't tell him he looks
like Captain Kangaroo.
Miami's most glamorous
anchorman is comin' here?
Oh, I'm gonna go freshen up.
If his bottom half is as good
as his top half, I'm in love.
Boy, the timing of Jerry's
visit works out perfectly for me.
See, his birthday
is in two weeks,
and the office is giving
him a surprise roast.
So I have to come up with one or
two things that I can kid him about.
I can get away with it 'cause
he considers me a good friend.
Well, then why not tease
him about his taste in friends?
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Oh, that must be Jerry now.
Now, remember the roast.
I really wanna nail him.
So keep your eyes peeled
for any oddities or quirks.
Hi. It's me, Stan.
There's one. What do I win?
Stanley, what do you want?
Dorothy, I know you're still mad
at me for spoiling our wedding,
but I've got some
news. Big news.
And I thought you might
wanna hear about it.
You've misjudged me.
Dorothy,
I'm seeing a psychiatrist.
I've discovered that the
old Stan really wasn't Stan.
He was merely a Stan
trying to be the Stan
that everyone thought
Stan should be.
Hey, I've been there.
But now, with a little bit of
help, I'm becoming a new Stan.
Oh, great.
I'll take a People magazine
and a Morning Herald.
Ma, he is not a newsstand.
He's a new Stan.
Then you can see the change?
I'm waiting for the change.
That was a $5 I handed you.
Look, Stan, old Stan, new Stan,
tastes-great-less-filling Stan.
The point is, I
am not interested.
Good luck in therapy.
Dorothy, I don't
think you quite get it...
I get it perfectly.
You're going to therapy
to try to win me back.
And I'm telling you,
you're wasting your time.
Not to mention $100 an hour.
$110, Dorothy. This guy's got
the little beard and everything.
Dr. Halperin's working with me
on something called "closure."
I'm not going there
to try to win you back.
I'm going there to
try to get over you.
Go around her,
it takes less time.
The doctor feels
that if you would
maybe join me at
a session or two,
I might be able to work through
my attachment that much sooner.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
What do you say, babe?
I don't know. I mean, I'd...
I'd have to give
it some thought.
Jerry, hello! Hello, Rose.
I'm sorry about all this.
Ah, sorry? There's
no need to be sorry.
I'm a man who acknowledged
he had a problem,
and I'm seeing
somebody about it. Now...
Goodbye, Stan.
He's our mailman.
We've just allowed him
to get a little too close.
Jerry, I'd like you to
meet my friends, Dorothy...
How do you do? How do you do?
And her mother, Sophia. Hello.
Ma, you recognize our guest?
Of course I do.
The only man you've had in your
bedroom after 11:00 since we moved here.
Jer, I'll get your planner.
Watch this, Dorothy. He won't
even know I'm fishing for info.
You know, Jerry, uh,
when I was a little girl,
my father misplaced
his daily planner, too.
It was when we were on
the way to the state fair.
Speaking of state fairs,
is it true that you're cheap?
Oh, my goodness.
We have company.
Just so embarrassed to
be seen in this old thing.
Don't worry, Blanche.
The dress covers most of it.
Jerry, I'd like you to meet my
roommate, Blanche Devereaux.
And, Blanche, this is...
Oh, why, you don't
have to tell me.
"From the Gulf
coast to the Atlantic,
"from the Keys to
the Okeefenokee,
"with the 11:00 news,
this is Jerry Kennedy."
Well, I'm flattered.
From the pit of my stomach
to the porcelain of the bowl...
There isn't an evenin' I miss
one of your broadcasts, Jerry.
I just loved that in-depth location
piece you did on the homeless.
Oh, thank you very much.
My agent said if I hadn't
referred to them as bums,
I would have won a Peabody.
Wow. So, Jer, uh, ever
dress up like a horse?
Well, not so far, but I
thank you for asking.
Now, Rose, I think I just better
grab my day planner
and skedaddle.
No, you don't want
to skedaddle yet.
Don't you want to stay and
have a drink before you go?
Oh, sorry, I never
drink and skedaddle.
Besides, I have to stay sharp.
I've got a handball game
with Captain Kangaroo.
(GASPS)
Ooh, why, you devil.
Are you suggesting another time?
Just name it. I'll be there.
Well... Tomorrow,
2:30, the Empire Lounge.
Well, sure. Why
not? I'll see you there.
Oh, Jerry?
Do it just once for us.
Well, okay.
This is Jerry Kennedy saying
good night, and remember,
wherever there's
news, I'll be here.
(GROANS)
(MOANS)
Oh, my, my, my, my, my!
Why do I feel the need to bathe?
So, how was it, Blanche?
Oh, you might as
well ask me to describe
the glory of the Great
Smoky Mountains
as they rise from the
mist of a Carolina dawn.
They went to a sleazy motel.
Or the colors of the
monarch butterfly,
spreading its wings
as it emerges from
the miracle of the cocoon.
She got him to pay
for half the room.
Or the sturdy cypress
reaching heavenward,
tall and mighty and proud!
That one I think is
pretty self-explanatory.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Who can that be at this hour?
Oh, I bet it's Jerry comin'
back for his good-night kiss.
You know, sometimes
you get so busy
buttonin' up and
all, you forget.
How do you do?
I'm Millicent Kennedy,
Gerald's mother.
Oh, how do you do?
I'm looking for
the cheap jezebel
who's ruining my Gerald's life.
Blanche, company!
Blanche Devereaux,
I'm here to tell you
to keep your hands off my baby.
He's very special,
and no one can take
care of him the way I can.
Well, excuse me, but I haven't
heard any complaints so far.
Did you know that
Gerald is afraid of clowns?
Or that he can't go to the
bathroom except at home?
Oh, so that's why there's
that look on his face
right before they
get to the weather.
Just leave my dumpling
alone, understand? Or else!
Blanche, why did you let her go?
She'd be the
perfect person to ask
if there's anything about Jerry
I could make fun of at the roast.
We'll tell you
what's wrong with us
if you tell us what's
wrong with you.
That really won't
be fair, will it, Stan?
I mean, now they know
what's wrong with us.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Well, Dorothy, the sooner we do
this, the sooner you're rid of me.
Stanley. Ah, Doc.
You shaved the little beard.
It's still $110, Stan.
You must be Dorothy.
Please, come in.
I've heard only good
things about you, Doctor.
You want a hug?
Maybe later.
Well, Doc, before
you get started,
I just want to say
that I love this woman,
and although she's angry,
I believe she still loves me.
So, please,
please, Dr. Halperin,
help the two of us put this
crazy marriage back together.
Put the marriage back together?
You told me we were
coming here for closure.
Stan, I'm confused.
Is this true?
Doc, we're both men. Let's
not do this to each other.
Stanley. Okay, okay, I lied.
But so what? You never have?
Only once, Stanley.
The night I told you it
was good for me, too.
(LAUGHING)
And you said she didn't
have a sense of humor.
Stan, it sounds to me like
you're going to extreme measures
to make some kind
of point here today.
Now, why don't you just
come out with that point?
Come home, Mama Bear.
Papa Bear gets so
cold sleeping alone.
Couldn't you just medicate him?
I would love to, but I'm not allowed
to write prescriptions for six months.
Please, will you sit down, Stan?
People, you may not believe it,
but these issues are
not insurmountable.
It's not like that couple you were
sitting next to in the waiting room.
Major problems in the sack.
Doctor, that's confidential.
You shouldn't
be telling us that.
I know, but I like you.
Now, Stan, what you
have to do is ask yourself,
why would you want
to be with a woman
who so clearly doesn't
want to be around you?
Well, I think I can
answer that, Doctor.
There's no other kind.
Last time we met,
you told me that
when you were a boy your
mother didn't want you around.
Well, so my mother
didn't love me.
I mean, what's that
got to do with anything?
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Doc, Sophia may not
want to have me around,
but that doesn't mean
she doesn't love me.
Stan, did you hear
what you just said?
Yes, I said you love me.
You said, "Sophia."
You meant me,
but you said Sophia.
You know, that's
interesting, Stan.
You made that same
slip in our last session.
Who's Sophia? My mother.
Calling Dr. Freud.
Look, I can't say
anything definitively,
but there's strong evidence here
that Stan doesn't
actually love you.
I don't? He doesn't?
That's correct.
A theory would be that he's
neurotically obsessed with you.
Dorothy, we could build on that.
Actually, he's obsessed
with your mother.
Are you saying that
his desire to be with me
is really his desire
to be with my mother?
Wild, huh?
It's all subconscious.
Sophia represents
Stan's own mother
who passed away before the
two of them could resolve things.
Doc, this is rougher
than the session
when I thought I
was in love with you.
I still have the flowers.
Stan, you see, in
order to achieve closure,
you need to hear
Sophia, that is to say,
your own mother
tell you she loves you.
Now, there's not much we can
do here without Sophia being here.
Dorothy, what are the chances
you can get her to
come to our next session?
Gee, I... I don't
know what to say.
I mean, no one's ever asked
me to bring her along before.
I'll do the best I can.
Doc, what can I say?
You're a miracle worker.
It's all part of
being professional.
Now, who's my 3:00?
Oh, great.
Mr. "I'm scared
of the dark" is next.
Wanna hit the lights
on the way out?
Jerry is not a mama's boy.
In fact, he and I came to a
major understanding tonight.
He and his mother aren't
gonna see any other girls?
Jerry is simply a
man who happens
to be sensitive to
his mother's needs.
Ma, Blanche is right.
Jerry's aware his mother
is getting on in years.
He's concerned
about her happiness,
and he's chosen to
live at home with her
because he can't go to
the bathroom anyplace else.
Girls, I think I have my
opening for the roast.
Listen.
"Good evening, everyone.
"I hope you enjoyed
your Cornish game hen."
(GIGGLING)
What... What's so
funny about that?
Oh, I didn't set it up.
You see, we're serving
Cornish game hen.
Oh, well, now that
you've explained it.
But this still doesn't
say anything about Jerry.
I know, I know, but
I've drawn a blank.
I even called his brother,
and they haven't spoken since
Jerry was arrested for public nudity.
Damn it, there is
just nothing funny
about that clown-fearing,
mama's boy!
He is not a mama's boy.
And to prove it, he has
agreed to bring his mother
over here tomorrow afternoon
so he can stand up
to her in front of me.
Good for you, Blanche.
But if confronting Mrs.
Kennedy doesn't work,
the three of you might
consider a joint therapy session.
Therapy's a wonderful idea.
Oh, I remember St. Olaf's
most famous psychotherapists,
the Freud brothers,
Sigmund and Roy.
You may have
read their bestseller,
If I Have All the Cheese I
Want, Why Am I Still Unhappy?
Ma, all I know is,
you would not believe
the progress that
Stanley is making.
As a matter of fact, I
was going to invite you
to one of his sessions
with Dr. Halperin.
The psychiatrist? Please.
In the old days, we
didn't need psychiatrists.
You had a problem?
You fought, you drank,
you got a little on the side.
You dealt with it.
Wait a minute. This
isn't Splash Mountain.
Ma, we're not going
to Splash Mountain.
I want you to meet Dr. Halperin.
He's Stan's psychiatrist.
Mrs. Petrillo, I've
heard a lot about you.
Lies! All lies!
Yes, I wanted a boy, but
slowly I learned to accept her.
I just meant it was
nice to meet you.
Oops.
Please, sit down.
Ma, as you know, Stan's been
having difficulty making it on his own.
Dr. Halperin believes
that you can help him
in his struggle to
separate from me.
Sure I can.
Stay away from my daughter
or I'll have your legs broken.
Ma, will you try to be serious?
I mean, where are you
going to get the $400?
Just a rough guess.
Sophia, without going into
a lot of psychological detail,
I believe Stan's clinging
to Dorothy is really
a suppressed longing
for his mother's love.
Now, my theory is
that, subconsciously,
he's transferred
that longing to you.
And if you're wrong?
I owe the parking
guys a round of drinks.
Look, Ma, tell
Stan you love him.
He'll be out of
our lives forever.
You don't even love him.
How am I supposed to?
I'll give you $1,000.
Sonny boy!
That's... That's
enough, the both of you.
This isn't the way
it's supposed to be.
If it isn't real,
what does it mean?
Let's just forget it.
What, you're surprised?
I'm supposed to love you?
Oh, sure, Stan, I love you.
I love you for knocking up my
daughter when she was 17 years old.
For sponging off Sal
and me for eight years.
For cheating on Dorothy
left, right, and sideways.
Oh, yeah, I love you.
Sophia, listen,
I know I always haven't
been the best son-in-law,
but I've got other
memories. Good memories.
The four of us watching
TV on that ugly green sofa
Sal bought from his boss.
Summer weekends
on the Jersey shore.
It hasn't been all bad.
Dorothy, help me out here.
Dorothy? I'm
thinking, I'm thinking.
Look, if I have hurt
somebody, I am sorry.
But you should know,
I've hurt myself worse.
Sophia, I did the best I could.
I suppose you did.
Can't you find it anyplace
in your heart to forgive me?
Any place in your heart
when you loved me?
Have you loved me ever?
There was that one morning
at St. Francis Hospital.
You and me peeking
through the maternity window
the first time they wheeled
Dorothy and little Michael out.
There was a whole
happy future in your smile.
I suppose I did.
I suppose I do.
I do love you, Stan.
I love you, Ma.
Oh, this is great.
But I want you to understand,
this is just the first step.
Doctor, you are a
genius. I feel great!
Let's go to dinner
and celebrate.
How does Chinese food sound?
I love Chinese food.
Oh, why not? A celebratory
dinner to bury the hatchet.
Who invited you?
Don't wait up.
You know, I cannot remember
when I had a sponge
cake quite so m-moist.
Extremely moist.
The moistest.
I found the tea
rather moist, as well.
What? I can't be
uncomfortable, too?
Well, all these raves have put
me in the mood for another slice.
Gerald, do you really feel
you need another slice?
Oh, well, maybe
you're right, Mother.
The television camera
does exaggerate the pounds.
Oh, I don't see where
a little sliver would hurt.
Finally, some action.
Well, Blanche, I
really shouldn't.
Yes, Jerry, you should.
No, he shouldn't.
He's watching his
refined sugar intake.
Yes, he should. This cake is
sweetened with natural fruit juices.
No, he shouldn't.
His cross-country skiing
machine is in the shop.
Yes, he should. He gets plenty,
and I mean plenty,
of exercise with me.
Checkmate. Hand the guy a fork.
Well, maybe I
shouldn't, Blanche.
I mean, t-this darn girdle
is tight enough as it is.
Rose, did you catch that?
I sure did, my
friend. "Darn girdle."
The man refuses to curse.
Blanche, if you're
going to insist
on contradicting
every opinion I have,
I won't allow Gerald
to continue seeing you.
Allow me? Allow...
Mother, this is where it stops.
See what happens? You
put sugar in his tea, didn't you?
It is not the sugar,
Mother! It's you!
Mama's boy, huh?
This is my life.
I'm a grown man,
and I am going to love
the woman I want to love,
whether she meets
with your approval or not!
(EXCLAIMS) Put this man's
picture on a can of stew.
Blanche, I want to thank
you for showing me the light.
How can I ever repay you?
Hawaii. Big Island.
Mother, you are just going to
have to live with your prejudices.
I don't care what
your objections are.
I've made up my mind, and I'm
going to be with the woman I love!
Oh, Jerry!
I'm going back to Christina.
Thanks again, Blanche.
MILLICENT: Gerald, wait!
We don't like
Christina, remember?
Blanche, honey, you okay?
Oh, why do these things
keep happenin' to me?
And why do I let
them keep happenin'?
I'm just tired of
gettin' all dressed up,
lookin' gorgeous, going out,
only to lose out in the end.
On the other hand,
I am dressed up,
and I do look gorgeous,
and it is gringo night at
Hernando's Hacienda.
Oh, but I don't think I ought
to go. I'm just so vulnerable.
Does anyone know how to
say vulnerable in Spanish?
Oh, never mind, I'll
say it with my eyes.
Adios.
I said it before,
and I'll say it again.
Sluts just heal quicker.