The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 7, Episode 5 - Where's Charlie? - full transcript

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidant

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see

♪ The biggest gift
would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪

Dorothy, it's past your bedtime.



Ma, I'm 60 years old.

I can stay up as late as I want.

No, we said when you're 65 you
can stay up as late as you want.

Now, what are you doing?

Well, if you must know,
I'm writing a letter to Pop.

The same Pop who
died 17 years ago?

That's right.

There's nothing sadder than your
daughter losing it before you do.

Look, Ma, I'm not gonna mail it.

I just read somewhere that you can
settle your feelings about someone

even after they're gone,

and there were a lot of
things I never told Pop

while he was alive.

I never even got to say goodbye.



So, I'm getting all this
stored-up emotion out in a letter.

Good idea, pussycat. I'm
gonna write one to Mario Lanza.

Oh, I would like you
all to meet Stevie.

I'm gonna be coachin' him.

He's a professional
baseball player.

Oh, you got Blanche's number
from the wall in the dugout?

Yes, ma'am. And
it sure was right.

I am having a good time.

Well, thank you, Stevie.

Now, here's the vitamins.
Take them when you get up.

Oh, but sometimes I get up at
4:00 a.m. to... Well, you know.

I know. Boy, do I know.

Yeah, but I'm sure
afterwards Stevie doesn't yell,

"Help! Come get me.
My feet are asleep."

You better be gettin' to
bed, darlin', you're in trainin'.

Oh, wait a minute,
almost forgot.

I want you to put
this lingerie on

under your uniform
for battin' practice.

I know you said
you'd help my game,

but do you think this will work?

Yes.

I can't wear this.

Do you have any idea the kind of
teasing that goes on in a locker room?

Yes.

Now, look, you have to discover
the sensuality of baseball.

There're just many,
many, many similarities

between baseball
and makin' love.

The mental preparation,
the rush of adrenalin,

the unspecified
duration of the game.

And you should hear
the cheers coming

from Blanche's room
on Old-Timers' Day.

It's nice meeting you.
See you tomorrow.

Bye.

Now, wait a minute.

You're a coaching
a baseball player

by letting him wear
your underwear?

Didn't I see this movie?

A woman helps a
handsome ballplayer

and he goes off to
live with the Indians.

What was it called?

Dances with Bulls?

Ma, you're confusing Bull
Durham with Dances with Wolves.

Ah, what's the difference?

You get to see Kevin
Costner's buns in both of them.

Well, maybe I can't teach
Stevie anything about the game,

but I can encourage him and
give him a shot of self-esteem.

Some people are great artists,
some are great musicians.

I have but one talent.

Oh! Oh! I know.

Come on, Ma, too easy.

That's what I was gonna say.

My talent is molding men.

And I'm not doin'
this just for myself,

I'm doin' it for
baseball. For the fans.

The community
expects somethin' of me.

Oh! Oh! I know!

Oh, thanks for a
wonderful evening.

It's not many men who'll
take a girl shopping.

Well, it's not every woman
who likes to shop for bait.

Well, sweetheart, I
had a wonderful time.

Good night. Good night.

Oh, wait minute. Wait a minute.

What's this in my pocket?

That line didn't
work last night,

and it's not gonna work tonight.

Ta-da!

Come on, put it on.

Oh, it's beautiful.

The stone goes on top, Rose.

Oh, it is beautiful!

But before I wear this, Miles,
I have to know what it means.

Well, it's a friendship ring,

like Abbott might
have given to Costello.

I love it.

So, now we're a
dead comedy team?

What?

It's that sense of humor.

Oh, that's why I
buy you jewelry.

Good night, good buddy.

No, no, Rose.

It's more than just
a friendship ring.

It's... It's just that I
want my ring on my girl.

Are you saying what
I think you're saying?

What do you think I'm saying?

Well, I think you're saying,

you want your ring on your girl.

Yes.

Hi, everyone.

If I seem a little
giddy, it's because...

Look what Miles gave me.

Liver spots?

No, the ring. You
know what it is?

Well, it's not an
engagement ring,

but it's more than
a friendship ring.

It's a... It's a...
Isn't it pretty?

Much nicer than Abbott
would have given to Costello.

Rose, the light bulb
goes on every time.

Doesn't mean
someone's living there.

It's Charlie. It's Charlie.

He's trying to contact
me from beyond the grave.

It's a miracle!

Look closely, Rose.
It's Mrs. Butterworth's.

I think you'd better sit down.

Before he died,

Charlie and I agreed that if he
ever wanted to tell me something

from the other side,
we'd have a signal.

All the cantaloupe would be
on one side of the fruit salad.

See, Charlie liked to eat
each type of fruit separately.

He hated it when they
were all mixed together.

Then why did you
make fruit salad?

That was an argument we must
have had about a million times.

But he hated cantaloupe.

He said he'd rather be
dead than eat cantaloupe.

Hence, the signal.

Dorothy, it's a miracle.

But why would he
try to contact me now?

Oh, my God, it's the
ring that Miles gave me.

Oh, Charlie doesn't want
me belonging to another man.

Blanche, just out of curiosity,

why don't you
check the fruit salad?

No way.

I'm not goin' anywhere
near that refrigerator.

Wow, two miracles in one day.

I'm sorry, girls, I
couldn't get to sleep.

I just had to see it once more.

Where's my cantaloupe?

Where's my miracle?

I'm an old lady. I need fruit.

Ah, girls, what a great night.

Stevie went three for four.

Oh, you were at the game?

There was a game?

That man just makes
me feel so young.

Like I was back in
high school again.

Remember? Remember
how you used to feel

when your boyfriend was
star of the football team?

Oh, look who I'm talkin' to!

My Dorothy knew the star
of the football team very well.

In fact, she was the
head cheerleader.

Head cheerleader, listen to me.

She was the mascot.

They put her in a bear
suit with pom-poms.

Do the growl, pussycat.

Come on, do the growl.

Ma.

That's it. That's it.

No, it so happens I was
their good luck charm.

They won a lot of
games with me in that suit.

Sure, the other team was
always afraid we'd send in the bear.

God, you gave
me a lot of laughs.

Ma.

That's it. Oh, stop it. Stop it.

Well, then you know what I
mean about bein' around athletes.

It's fun.

And you know
what they call them?

Jocks.

Isn't that simply delicious?

Blanche, I don't think
this is gonna work.

Come on, you don't know
anything about baseball.

You're just misleading this guy.

Oh, you're just jealous
because I have a healthy sex life

and all you have is your mother.

Dorothy would rather have
me than a healthy sex life.

Right, Dorothy? Right.

Not!

That's how you
talk to your mother?

Put that in the
letter to your father.

How sassy you've
gotten since menopause.

You haven't mailed that
letter to your father yet?

Once more, I am
not going to mail it.

I am just writing this to get
the anger out of my system.

You know, I know Pop loved me,

but why did he always make
promises to me that he never kept?

Do you know how
that affects a little girl?

Like the time he promised me
he was gonna take me to his work

and introduce me to his boss and
show me around to all his friends.

When he didn't, well, I just...

I felt like there was
something wrong with me, like...

Like he wasn't proud of me.

He was proud of you.

I remember him saying, "Anyone
would want a daughter like this."

Of course, he was
saying it to the gypsies.

Look, I don't have
to listen to this.

Have you any idea
how it makes me feel

when you say things like that?

No. After I'm dead,
drop me a note.

Boy, Charlie must really be upset
about me accepting Miles' ring.

Oh, God, if I could just
talk to him one more time.

I would give every
last cent I have.

Wait, Rose.

What, Sophia?

It's not Sophia. It's Charlie.

I'm in the old lady's body.

Come on, Sophia,
you're full of...

Fruit salad.

Charlie?

Charlie, I want
to believe it's you.

Tell me something that only
the two of us would know.

Don't take any wooden nickels.

Oh, my God, it is you!

Why have you come back now?

To tell you to open your
heart and your pocketbook.

Give the old lady money.

Make it a $20.

I will, but there's
something I have to know.

How do you feel about
the ring Miles gave me?

Uh, how do you think I feel?

You must be pretty upset about
it to come back from the beyond.

Okay, that works.

I have to go, Rose.

Goodbye, my love.

What happened?

Why am I standing?

When can I get that $20?

Sophia, the most
amazing thing happened.

Charlie was here, in your body.

Really?

If I had known he was coming,
I would have tidied up a bit.

Miles? It's me.

Miles, this isn't
easy. I... I...

I've come to a decision.

I can't keep the ring.

Oh, Rose, Miles called earlier.

Oh, he must have
gotten the ring.

I sent it back.

Honey, what happened?

You were so happy
about him yesterday.

But that was before
I talked to Charlie.

What are you talking about?

Well, I heard Charlie's
voice coming out of Sophia.

He wanted me to
give the ring back.

You're a horrible little person.

Come on, like you never
pretended to be possessed

by somebody's dead
husband for a couple of laughs.

You know, you have really ruined
Rose's relationship with Miles.

If you could have seen her
face when I talked like Charlie.

I almost wet myself.

Listen, you vindictive
little sea monkey,

you are going to
tell Rose the truth.

Or?

Remember Shady Pines?

Yeah, it wasn't so bad.

I hear they sold it
to some Germans.

Rose?

Rose, sweetheart? Rose?

You're getting
better all the time.

You know, with those two
hits in last night's game,

your battin' average
is up over .300 now.

Yeah, but on
that last swing, I...

I think I tore my camisole.

Well, why don't we
head for the showers?

You wash and I'll dry.

Well, that might be a problem.

See, Blanche, there's
something I gotta tell you.

But first I want you to
know, you've changed my life.

And no matter where I
am, I'll never forget you.

Why does this sound
like a goodbye speech?

Well, I'm leaving for Japan.

A team there made me an offer.

Made you an offer?

Well, what about us?

Blanche, this is the
way baseball works.

It's time for me to move on.

But we make such a great team.

We've had some good
times, but I gotta do this.

Fine. Fine.

You gotta move on? Move on.

But let me tell you
somethin', mister,

I haven't taught you
half of what I know.

And I wasn't even
wearin' underwear.

Oh, I hate men.
Stevie's leavin' me.

For another woman?

Oh, don't be ridiculous.
He's leaving me for Tokyo.

Oh, sweetheart. I'm sorry.

What's going on?

Oh, Stevie's leaving
Blanche for Tokyo, Rose.

Well, I can understand that.

She is a big radio personality.

Well, I would stay and talk...

I have a lot of big
problems of my own.

I'd share them with you,
but I don't want to bore you.

Thank you.

Blanche, Rose is going
through a very hard time.

But I think there's something

that's gonna make
her feel much better.

Ma, don't you have
something to say?

Yeah.

How come when your head
moves, your hair doesn't?

Ma, that's a question.

Granted, a very good question,

but we're looking
for a statement.

All right. All right.

Charlie wasn't here.

It was me. I was playing
a little joke on you.

Hello, Rose.

One second, Charlie.

What do you mean
it wasn't you, Sophia?

Rose, Ma was playing
a very mean trick on you.

Although now I can
see the temptation.

I'm sorry, Rose,
it was a bad joke,

and I didn't realize
what it was doing to you.

Bad joke?

It wasn't a joke at all.

You mocked my
relationship with Charlie,

and you've ruined my
friendship with Miles.

How can you be so cruel?

Rose, we have to talk.

Forget it, Sophia.
I'm not talking to you.

What you did is the worst
thing you've ever done to me.

Oh, come on.

Worse than the time I buried
you up to your neck in sand

and let the children throw
baseballs at you for 25 cents?

Well, I can't hold
that against you.

That was for charity.

Yeah, right, charity.

Forget it, Sophia. Impersonating
Charlie was horrible.

Okay, I made a mistake.

But not as big as
the one you'll make

if you don't get
back with Miles.

Look, Charlie loved
you for over 30 years.

But he's gone now,

and you've met someone
you really care about.

What do you think
Charlie would say?

I think he'd say he loves me.

And what about the ring?

He'd probably say it was
okay to wear Miles' ring

because Miles can love me
in a way that he can't right now.

There you go, Rose.

That must be Miles.

I told him to come
over so I could explain.

You, uh, said you
wanted to see me?

Yes, Miles.

I'm sorry for all the
trouble I caused.

Although I love you very much,

I... I was scared of commitment.

I guess, in a way,

I... I wanted to believe that
Charlie was trying to contact me.

Oh, sweetheart, there's
nothing to be scared of.

When you're ready
to wear the ring,

you know it's right
here in my pocket.

I'm ready to wear the ring.

It's right here in my pocket.

Come on, Rose, it's
right here in my pocket...

Oh, Sophia!

Uh...

Hey, I didn't see
her sitting there.

Oh, Miles.

Get it while you're young, baby.

Hey, Rose, come on. Let's go.

I've got a great idea.

You ever watch
that romantic cruise

that leaves at 6:00
p.m. from the pier?

Oh, Miles!

Let's go watch it again.

Well, I finally
finished my letter.

I got everything down,

every little hurt out.

This is to me.

I found out during the process

that Pop was a
pretty good father.

But I never really
told him I loved him,

so I want to make
sure I tell you.

Oh, pussycat.

"Dear Ma.

"Thanks for giving me life
and thanks for making it good.

"I love you."

And I love you, too, pussycat.

And I love you, too.

And I'm glad you're my mom.

And I'm glad you're my baby.

That's probably
the schmaltz police.

Oh, no.

This is too funny. Blanche!

Stevie?

What happened to you?

Blanche, honey,
what's happened to me

is the most wonderful thing
that could happen to a man,

and it's all because of you.

For the first time in
my life, I'm batting .310,

and I like myself.

Oh, Blanche, you really
know how to mold a man.

He comes in Steve
and goes out Eydie.

Listen, I thought about
what you were saying,

and going to Japan
is not worth losing you.

You and me, Blanche,
we are a team.

This is too funny.

I don't have to
leave the country.

With you coaching me, I can
make the big leagues right here.

And we'll still have each other.

What do you say we go
out and celebrate, huh?

I'm sorry, Stevie, but I
cannot go out with you tonight.

It's the dress, isn't it?

It's not the dress.

Well, you were ready
to write me off yesterday.

Now coming back
here cannot take away

all the pain and
hurt that I felt.

No, I cannot forgive you. I...

Goodbye, Stevie. Wait!

It was the dress.