The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 7, Episode 18 - Journey to the Center of Attention - full transcript

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidant

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see

♪ The biggest gift
would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪

(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)



Dorothy, what are you doing?

I'm watching Amazing
Discoveries. Look at that.

The thing just shucks
the corn off the cob.

It just shucks it off.

I cannot watch you spend
one more night like this.

You're coming with
me to the Rusty Anchor.

Oh, Blanche, I told you, I am
so uncomfortable with strangers.

Now, now, don't blame yourself.

They're just as
uncomfortable with you.

It all stems from
your low self-esteem.

What are you talking about?

Dorothy, if you felt
better about yourself

you'd want to get
out and do more.

I have a little exercise I do



whenever my
self-esteem's kind of low.

I say my name and then I list
three positive things about myself.

I'm Blanche
Devereaux. I'm beautiful,

men find me desirable, and
people want to be my friend.

Go on now, you try. Oh, Blanche.

Oh, please. Please.

(SIGHS) I'm Dorothy
Zbornak. I'm beautiful,

men find me desirable, and
people want to be my friend.

I'm sorry I confused you, honey.

You're supposed to say three
positive things that apply to you.

You know, like you could
say, "I'm Dorothy Zbornak.

"I'm a good speller, and I'm...

"I'm very prompt and, um..."

Well, actually,
there's... there's no law

that says there has to be three.

Actually, I just
thought of a third one.

I can snap a friend's
neck like a twig.

ROSE: There we go.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh, girls, we just went to
Doug Kirkpatrick's wake.

It was the greatest.

I can't remember
when I had so much fun.

Those Irishmen.

They even laid out Doug's
body in the living room.

Oh, that sounds morbid.

I didn't have a problem with it

till one of the relatives
got drunk and started

slow dancing with the corpse.

But even then it was
surprisingly touching.

And speaking of being touched,

it's nickel beer night
at the Rusty Anchor.

I'm gonna get my purse,

you get changed,
'cause we're goin'.

Oh, Blanche, what if no
one there wants to talk to me?

What if nobody asks me to dance?

Now, Dorothy, think,

if there's somebody out there
who is willin' to dance with a corpse,

there's somebody
willin' to dance with you.

Blanche, wait, wait, wait.

Listen, maybe this
wasn't such a good idea.

Well, nonsense. I promise
you're gonna have a good time.

Wait. You're going to introduce
me to some of your friends?

Yes, if I see anybody I know.

ALL: Blanche!

Hi, everybody!

Hey, Blanche. How's life?

Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world,

and I'm wearin' no underwear.

Hi, everybody. Hi, Frank.

Hey, boys, I want you all to
meet my best friend Dorothy.

Dorothy, this is Frank
and Alan and Paul.

Hiya, Dorothy. How are you?

You boys show her a good time.

I would, but I want
to have one myself.

You're... You're a little
uncomfortable, aren't you?

Uh, to be... To be
honest, I'm not really

into the bar scene.

I... I sense you're not either.

I guess the problem is to
make that human connection,

you know, with the...

(PLAYING SOFT MUSIC)

Hi. Hi.

I haven't seen you here before.

I usually don't come
to places like this.

Well, I can understand.

A lot of people feel
uncomfortable in a bar.

(BLANCHE LAUGHING)

Yes, I can see that.

(HUMMING)

Hey, you don't
happen to sing, do you?

What makes you think that I...
I sing, or would even want to?

I mean, you know,
some people might enjoy

making fools of
themselves in public,

but, uh... Me, sing?
I... I don't think so.

You sing, don't you? A little.

Great. Uh, how about
some Irving Berlin?

Blue Skies? Always?

Maybe... Maybe some other time.

What'll I Do?

D flat is good for me.

♪ What'll I do?

(HUMMING)

♪ ...away ♪ And I
am blue ♪ What'll I do?

Very nice.

♪ What'll I do ♪
When I am wondering

♪ Who is kissing
you ♪ What'll I do?

You're very good, Dorothy.

♪ What'll I do

♪ With just a photograph

♪ To tell my troubles to?

♪ When I'm alone

♪ With only dreams of you

♪ That won't come
true ♪ What'll I do?

♪ What'll I do ♪
With just a photograph

♪ To tell my troubles to?

♪ When I'm alone

♪ With only dreams of you

♪ That won't come true

♪ What'll I do? ♪

(ALL CHEERING)

Your friend's pretty good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm not wearing a bra.

Oh, Blanche, honey,

I just wanted to thank
you again for last night.

Hmm? Oh, yeah. Sure. No problem.

You still haven't said anything
about my performance.

What, you mean that
little ditty you croaked out?

I thought it was cute.

Dorothy, how would you like
to go to a wake next Friday?

Ma, you know how I
feel about those things.

They're so sad and depressing.

Whose wake is it anyway?

Mine. What time?

No, she's serious.

Next Friday Sophia's
gonna throw her own wake.

Food, drinks, music.

The only difference
will be she'll be alive.

God willing.

Wait a minute, what...
what are you talking about?

At Doug's wake, people got up
and said wonderful things about him.

But he wasn't there to hear it.

I don't want that
to happen to me.

I want to hear how
people feel about me.

I want to be there to listen
as they salute my... my grace,

my wit, my inner beauty.

Ma, writers cost money.

Now, this whole idea is twisted.

Come on, you're gonna
be around for years.

There's no reason for
anybody to say goodbye to you.

Dorothy, I want this.

There's nothing you
can do to stop me.

Nothing you can say will prevent me
from having the wake of my dreams.

Well, I'm not paying for it.

Okay, a kitten.
Can I have a kitten?

Sophia, I'll be happy to
pay for your wake. I love you.

Well, me, too.

Well, fine. Fine.
Do what you want.

Just don't expect
me to be a part of it.

I even know a way we
can save some money.

I'll make the hors d'oeuvres.

Some wake.

Scandinavian crap on a cracker.

I mean, thank you.

(ALL CHANTING)
Blanche, Blanche, Blanche...

It's a bosun's knot, all right!

(ALL CHEERING)

Now for my encore.

Ahem, the Star of David!

(MEN EXCLAIMING)

Hey, it's Dorothy!

Hey, Dorothy! MAN 1: Hi!

MAN 2: Dorothy, glad to
see you again. MAN 3: Hi!

Hey, come on down here
and let me buy you a drink.

Hey, no, no, no, no. I
wanna buy her a drink!

Hey, I asked her first. Oh, come
on, come on. Boys, boys, boys!

I am woman
enough for all of you.

This is the point in my dream
where I usually wake up screamin'.

What are you doing
here anyway, Dorothy?

Well, I tell you, I was on
my way to the laundromat,

and I just happened to pass
by and thought I'd drop in.

Well, uh, you gonna sing
for us tonight, Dorothy?

Oh, yeah, Dorothy.
Yeah, yeah. Come on.

No, no, no. I'm not prepared.

Come on, you gotta
sing for us again.

Really I wouldn't know
what to do. Oh, come on.

Hey, she said
she's not prepared.

There's no use asking her
to... Will you look what I found?

Sheet music!

(ALL CHEERING)

Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute!

I... I have a much better
idea. Let's all conga!

MAN 4: Later, Blanche.

We wanna hear Dorothy sing.

(EXCLAIMS)

(PLAYING HARD HEARTED HANNAH)

♪ They call her
hard-hearted Hannah

♪ The vamp of Savannah

♪ Meanest gal in town

♪ Now, leather is tough

♪ But Hannah's heart is tougher

♪ She's a gal who
likes to see men suffer

What's the matter, Blanche? You
seem upset. Is anything wrong?

Oh, no. No big deal.

Just one little thing.

I feel like I've died
and gone to hell.

♪ She's hard-hearted Hannah

♪ The vamp of Savannah, GA ♪

(ALL CHEERING)

Excuse me, I
couldn't help but notice

you took several of my
tasty, delicious, lutefisk puffs

and you've hardly touched them.

Uh, I just don't care for them.

Yeah, well, that's an ugly hat.

Rose, nobody's having a good
time. It's supposed to be a party.

Well, maybe when
Sophia makes her entrance,

it'll perk things up.

Oh, everybody, here's Myrtle!

Oh, Myrtle, thank
goodness you got here.

You're just the person we
need to liven up this party.

Do some of those
impressions you're so good at.

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

(EXCLAIMS)

Jimmy Swaggart, right?

That's just wonderful.
Do another one.

The last time I saw
her she was fine.

I didn't even know she was sick.

What happened?

Wait, don't tell me.
Uh, Claus von Bulow?

I'm talking about Sophia.

How did she die?

What do you mean, how did she...

Excuse me.

Rose, listen, I want you
to think now, very carefully.

When you sent out
those invitations,

you did remember
to tell everyone

Sophia's really
alive, didn't you?

Blanche, I'm offended.

How dumb do you think I am?

I put it...

I made the freaking
hors d'oeuvres.

Leave me alone.

You idiot. Everybody
thinks she's dead now!

Well, we're gonna have to tell
'em the truth before she comes...

Hey, everyone!

(MOURNERS SCREAMING)

Thanks for coming to my wake.

What do you think of the dress?

(WOMEN EXCLAIMING)

Well, excuse me for
buying off the rack.

Sophia, is it really you?

You're supposed to be dead.

Hold that thought.

Rose, you forgot to tell these
people I was alive, didn't you?

And I made the freaking punch,

and I made the
freaking decorations.

What is this? Some
kind of sick joke?

(CHATTERING)

All right, everybody,
now just stop!

Okay, so there's been
a little misunderstanding.

But the point is,
you're all here.

And you were invited to...
to celebrate Sophia's life

and... and the wonderful
times you've shared.

And... And the good news
is that Sophia's still with us.

So, now you have
the chance to tell her

how you really feel about her.

I'll go first.

Sophia, I drove 30 miles

and missed a day of
work just to be here.

I think it's very selfish
of you not to be dead.

And I missed...

Well, actually, I didn't have
anything planned for today,

but I'm still p.o.'d.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Sophia.

But, you know, the important
thing is they all came.

And... And, when they thought
you were dead, they were real sad.

Now that counts for somethin'.

I guess you're right.

But I still wish my wake
hadn't been such a disaster.

Well, look on the bright side.

You'll have another one.

ALL: Dorothy!

Hi, everybody!

MAN: Hey, Dorothy.

Hey, Dorothy,
what's your pleasure?

Claude Akins on a waterbed.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Until then, a beer
will have to do.

Hey, guys, what about me?

Blanche! Well,
that's more like it.

Shut the door.

See? What did I tell you?

That's why I wanted you to
come down and see for yourself.

Look at that. The men are
practically swarming all over her.

Just like she was somebody.

I just have to keep reminding
myself, I am Blanche Devereaux.

I am beautiful, men
find me desirable,

and my life is over.

Boy, when the mask falls
off, it really makes a thud.

Come on, Dorothy,
sing something for us.

Oh, yeah. Come on,
sing something for us.

Something wrong, Sophia?

I don't believe it. My
Dorothy is popular.

After 60 years of bargaining
with God, it's finally happened.

Per our agreement, I'm off to
Calcutta to work with the poor.

Well, I for one have had it
with Miss Dorothy Zbornak.

I'm gonna get this bar's
attention if it's the last thing I do.

MAN: Why don't you do what you did
last time? That would be good. That...

Hey, fellows, what's goin' on?

Oh, yeah, hi, Blanche. Sit down.

Dorothy's about
to sing for us. Yeah.

Did it ever occur to any of
you that maybe I'd like to sing?

(LAUGHING) Come on, Blanche.

You've been coming
here seven years,

the only thing I've ever
seen you do on that piano is...

Hey, hey, hey.
There's a lady present.

Thank you.

Everybody, may I have
your attention, please?

Two can play at
this game, you know.

Boys, I have a little
surprise for you.

Yeah, yeah, we know.
You're not wearing a bra.

No. No, I'm gonna sing.

(MEN EXCLAIMING)

Could you, please?

Thank you.

For all my special friends
here at the Rusty Anchor,

this one's for you.

Hit it, Ron.

(PLAYING I WANNA
BE LOVED BY YOU)

♪ I wanna be loved by you

♪ Just you ♪ And
nobody else but you

♪ I wanna be loved
by you ♪ Alone

♪ Boop-boop-ba-doo

♪ Kissed by you, just you

♪ And nobody else but you

♪ I wanna be kissed
by you ♪ Alone

♪ I couldn't aspire
♪ To anything higher

♪ Than your desire
♪ To make you my own

♪ Ba-bop-bee-da
boop-boop-dee-doo

♪ I wanna be loved
by you ♪ Just you

♪ And nobody else but you

♪ I wanna be loved
by you ♪ Alone

♪ Boop-boop-a-doop!

Hi, handsome. What's your name?

His name's Don, and
he just had hip surgery.

Well, hello, big boy.

Is that a gun in your pocket or
are you just happy to see me?

(YELLS)

♪ I wanna be loved by you

♪ Just you and
nobody else but you

♪ I wanna be loved by you ♪

(SCREAMING)

(ALL CHATTERING)

Two Jews, an Arab, and
a priest walk into a bar...

I don't understand what
you're so upset about.

The Rusty Anchor is my
place, damn it. Not yours.

Blanche, you were the one who
begged me to come down here.

You were the one
who told me to get a life.

Well, I didn't mean mine!

I didn't know you were
gonna come in here

and just take my
place away from me.

I would never do
that to you, Dorothy.

Do you see me going
down to sing at the library?

Well, do you?

Blanche, I'm... I'm
sorry. I had no idea.

All right, the truth is,

I'm jealous of you.

Oh, God, that leaves a
bad taste in my mouth.

Blanche, what are
you talking about?

Dorothy, the one thing in my
life I've always been assured of is

being the center of attention.

Oh, I knew I never had
to worry about competing

with any other woman
'cause I'd always win.

But when I saw you
sing the other night,

I realized why all those men

were practically fallin' all
over themselves to get to you.

Because, Dorothy, when you sing,

you light up the room. You do.

You positively
glow. You're just...

You're beautiful.

Oh, Blanche, you
don't have to say that.

Well, believe me,
I don't like sayin' it.

But it's true.

You can attract
men in a way I can't

and I'm jealous of you.

Blanche Devereaux,

that is the nicest thing that
you have ever said to me.

It is? Absolutely.

Yeah, you're probably right.

Most of the time when I
compliment you, I'm not being sincere.

But I really meant
that last one, I swear.

Look, Blanche, the Rusty Anchor

is not worth risking
our friendship over.

If you want me to stop
coming here, just say so.

I want you to stop comin' here.

Like hell I will.

Then what are we gonna do?

Why don't we share?

Let's just be sure that we both
don't show up on the same night.

You mean, like I would come three
nights a week, and you come three?

Right. Oh, wait a minute.
What about Sunday?

Oh, you don't wanna
come on a Sunday, Dorothy.

The men have been
watching football all day long.

They're drunk and rowdy...

Yeah, you want
Sundays, don't you?

Please.

It's a deal.

Oh, Dorothy.

Dorothy, are you
ever jealous of me?

Every day of my life.

Blanche, why don't we
go out there and do a duet?

Do you know Cry Me A River?

Uh, no, I don't.

Good. We'll do that one.

♪ Now, leather is tough

♪ But Hannah's heart is tougher

♪ She's a gal who
likes to make men suffer

♪ To tease them and thrill them

♪ Torture and kill them

♪ That's her delight, they say

♪ I saw her at the seashore

♪ With a great big pan

♪ Well, there was Hannah
pouring water on a drowning man

♪ She's hard-hearted Hannah

♪ The vamp of Savannah, GA ♪

(ALL APPLAUDING)