The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 7, Episode 17 - Ebbtide VI: The Wrath of Stan - full transcript

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidant

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see

♪ The biggest gift
would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪

"Miami's sordid sex
scene. Who's to blame?"



That's her. She's the one.

Oh, no. This isn't
about Blanche.

Now that I'm associate
producer of Wake Up Miami,

I have to come up with topical
show ideas for sweeps week.

I need something that'll
give us really big ratings.

And I will have you know there
is nothin' sordid about my sex life.

Nothin'.

Oh, great, now I'm depressed.

You know what I hate
about sweeps week?

The news. It's sex, sex, sex.

Why can't they
do serious stories?

Stories with
political relevance?

Yes, like, "Sex
in the new Russia.

"Is it worth
standing in line for?"



Well, I've been working
on a whole list of ideas

that have nothing
to do with sex,

but they keep turning me down.

Oh? Like what?

Well, things I think people
would be interested in.

Like, "Who's in
charge of cheese?"

Or, "Lincoln: Great
statesman or gas-guzzler?"

"Idiots in positions of power."

Good one.

Pussycat, what's short, wrinkly,
and sticks out of my shoes?

You.

No, my toes.

It's that time of year.

Mama needs a new pair of shoes.

Well, you've crapped
out. I am not taking you.

Dorothy, please, the little piggy
that goes, "Wee, wee, wee,"

doesn't have a
nail on it anymore.

No way.

Well, Dorothy Zbornak,
now, shame on you.

She is your mother.
She's 85-years-old

and she wants a
new pair of shoes.

How many more chances do you think
you're gonna have to buy her shoes?

Oh, what I would give to be able to
buy my mother shoes one more time.

You wanna take her?

Screw that, she's your mother.

I'm sorry, Sophia.

I know how you
go on about shoes.

Honey, we both know
what's gonna happen.

I take you down to Shimshack's,

we walk in the door,

and all the salesmen disappear.

I have to go to the
back of the store

and bribe them to
come out and help you.

Please. Those people love me.

For $10, they love you.

Without a tip, you're
just another old lady

wearing men's socks
and a bad attitude.

They love me.

They hate you.

The last time they
gave me a balloon.

You ripped that
out of a kid's hand.

You're just upset because I won't
take the first thing they bring out.

You don't take
anything they bring out.

I took you.

Look, Ma, you know
what I'm talking about.

You complain. You belittle.

You know, Dorothy, I think
maybe you're being too hard on her.

I know how difficult
buyin' shoes can be.

Sometimes you get yourself
a really good-looking salesman

and you try to pretend you don't
notice his hands caressing your calf

as he tries to keep
his mind on shoes,

but all the time he's thinking,

"Dare I peek?

"Dare I look more?

"Dare I look where no
eyes have looked before?"

And then, as he
kneels there before you,

little beads of perspiration
breakin' out on his forehead,

his breath comin'
shorter and quicker,

he ever so gently
slips the supple leather

on your quivering foot,

and you achieve a perfect fit.

Come on, old woman,
we need shoes now!

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Hello, Angelo.

Hello, Rose. Is Dorothy here?

Oh, no. She went with
Sophia to get shoes.

She hates taking
Sophia for shoes.

I know, but Dorothy decided
to go when Sophia and Blanche

started talking about whether or
not Sophia should put on underwear.

They said it'd be fun to scare
the hell out of the shoe salesman.

Well, I've got to find Dorothy.

I've got big, big
trouble at the apartment.

What's wrong?

When the people moved out
of 3C, they left food all over.

We're infested with
big bugs. It's terrible.

I... I feel like I'm
living in a slum.

Now I'll never get a woman
to come over to my place.

Not with these bugs.

Okay, and this body.

But mainly the bugs.

Angelo, take me
to your apartment.

Bugs make you hot?

We got big ones
and millions of them.

No. But I think it'd
make a great story.

Old people living
under terrible conditions.

Come on, we'll
stop at the station

and see if we can
get a camera crew.

I want the whole city to see
what you've been going through.

You mean I'm gonna be on TV?

You bet. Do I get
to put on makeup?

Well, sure. Oh, boy!

I mean, makeup,
that's sissy stuff.

Thank God we're finished.

I never want to go
through that again.

At least we got the shoes.

And the balloon. And you
didn't have to pay extra.

I just had to swear that I would
never take you back again.

Shimshack makes you
swear that every year.

In blood?

Sophia, there's somethin'
I don't understand.

Now, you're always a bit
ornery, unpleasant, impolite,

even downright mean.
That's part of your charm.

Thank you, you
bed-hopping relic.

The point I'm trying to make is,

your behavior in this shoe thing

is extreme even for you.

What is goin' on?

Well, Dorothy always makes
me buy the same old lady shoes.

I never get anything
new and exciting.

It's just another reminder of
what old age takes away from you.

First husbands, then cute shoes.

What's old age gonna
take away from me next?

Hey, where's my balloon?

Ma, you wear those shoes

because they're the only
shoes you say you can wear.

Whenever we get you other shoes,

you say they're uncomfortable.

I'm cursed with
these square feet.

When I was a girl in Sicily,
we were too poor for shoes,

so I wore olive oil cans.

Look, Ma, I don't wanna be the
one to keep you from being happy.

If you really want new
shoes, I'll take you.

Turn on the news.

What's going on, Rose?

Oh, today is my lucky day.

While you were gone,

Angelo came over to tell you
about these big bugs at his place.

Well, he didn't want
to make a big deal of it.

He said he could try to
pass them off as shellfish

and sell them out of
the back of his trunk,

but I thought it was a great
story and so did my boss.

In fact, he's putting
it on tonight's news.

Rose, please tell
me you're kidding.

My boss said he wanted
to expose Angelo's landlord

for making him live under
those terrible conditions.

But Angelo wouldn't
give us his name.

A Sicilian never squeals. Never.

Did you offer him money?

No.

Never. He wouldn't.

Well, it doesn't matter.

I mean, our research department

will find that
heartless Shylock.

And if they don't, I will.

I'm not gonna rest,
I'm not gonna sleep,

I'm not gonna eat until
I track that scum down.

Rose, I'm the scum.

Stan and I inherited
that building.

I am Uncle Angelo's landlord.

Oh, Dorothy, I forgot.

(EXCLAIMS) I feel
awful. Just awful.

How could I have been so stupid?

No, it's okay.

I missed the family angle.

He's your uncle.

"Niece makes uncle
live in roach motel."

Look, there's Angelo!
Turn the sound up. Quick.

ANGELO ON TV: As you
can see, the bugs are really big

and when I spray them,

they appear to
be laughing at us.

REPORTER: The question
all Miami is asking is,

who would make people
live under these conditions?

We have learned this
vermin-infested squalor

is owned by baked-potato-opener
king, Stanley Zbornak,

and his ex-wife,
Dorothy Zbornak.

Dorothy, that's your picture!

Oh, no.

Oh, look. They put those little
wiggly antennas on our heads.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

What am I gonna do? How
am I gonna face people?

I told Stan I didn't
want that building.

I didn't care about it. I
don't care about it now.

He's supposed to take
care of all the maintenance.

You better get this
straightened out, Rose.

Dorothy Zbornak?

I'm Dorothy Zbornak.

I have a warrant
for your arrest.

I'll have to ask you
to come with me.

What for?

Violation of the
city's housing codes.

Lady, you're a slum lord.

Dorothy, don't worry. We'll
have you out of jail in no time.

I'll get the best attorney
social security can buy.

My God, Dorothy, did you
see all the reporters out there?

I know. This is
becoming a media circus.

And they really hate you.

"The Big Bug
Lady," they call you.

You deserve a better nickname.
I don't know, something like,

"Big Mean Landlady,"
or "Big Mean Dorothy."

Something with "big mean."

Dorothy, I am so excited.

I just got interviewed.

They asked me if you
were clean at home.

I said, "Well, you won't
find any crumbs in her bed.

"You won't find
anything in her bed."

Dorothy, Dorothy,
how'd this happen?

I feel so terrible.

Oh, it's not your fault.

Oh, thank you.

I'm proud of you,
Angelo. You didn't squeal.

Hey, I'm a Sicilian.

Nobody made an offer, huh?

Not a dime.

Dorothy, isn't this something?

You've become what we in the
news business call a "hot story."

And you've become what we
call in the revenge business "next."

Boy, no wonder they call
you, "The Big Mean Bug Lady."

Do you believe
the mob out there?

Where's Marvin? Who?

Your lawyer, Marvin
Mitchelson. Where is he?

No, I'm not using
Marvin on this case.

He's a brilliant lawyer.

Listen, Stanley,
we need help here.

You know, last night after
Marvin got us bailed out,

I went to a bar up the street,

and while I was
there, it dawned on me.

If we use Mitchelson,

we're gonna look like the
rich slum lords we're not.

Well, then, who are we using?

Well, as luck would have it,

I met somebody at the bar who
doesn't have that much experience,

but I was very impressed.

Boy, Stan, it's
jumping out there.

Is this what impressed you?

Believe me, Dorothy,
she's very bright.

Really?

I'm telling you, we were
the only two in the bar

who got the jokes on
the cocktail napkins.

Dorothy, I want you to
meet our attorney, Tracy.

Tracy, this is Dorothy.

Hi-dee-ho!

Hi-dee-ho.

Stanley, forgive me,

but I don't think I'm willing
to trust my future to this girl

knowing her only
qualification is

that you were able
to pick her up in a bar.

I did not pick her up.

Struck out?

Boy, do you know me, or what?

Look, this kind of thinking
is really quite sexist.

Just because a
woman is attractive

and is not uncomfortable
about her sexuality,

does not mean she can't
be bright, well informed,

and a hell of a lawyer.

Uh, where did you
go to law school?

A whole bunch of places.

TRACY: Uh-oh. STAN: What?

The assistant D.A., Peterson.

He's a killer.

It's amazing what he
does to the witnesses.

You think he's getting nowhere

and then suddenly he gives the
witness a really dumb compliment

and for some reason it works.

They let down their
guard and he nails them.

Well, you must have
some way of combating that.

Well, we'll find out.

What do you mean?

I've never really
done this before.

Uh-huh.

And so you're saying that
you never really complained

about the bugs to the Zbornaks.

Is that right?

Yes. You're very bright.

She's very bright.

Your witness.

Angelo, isn't it true
that the Zbornaks

make you live under
deplorable conditions?

No.

And isn't it true that
from time to time

they shut off the power to the
entire building just for funsies?

No. And isn't it true that...

Well, excuse me, but that's
the nicest tie I've ever seen.

Thanks.

Didn't you tell Rose Nylund
you were living in a slum?

Sure, but... No
further questions.

Isn't it true, Mrs. Devereaux,

that Mrs. Zbornak
is the kind of person

who likes to see people suffer?

No.

And isn't it true that
from time to time

she bullies the
women she lives with?

No.

For the record, Your Honor,

this witness has the most
beautiful eyes I've ever seen.

Blanche,

what did Dorothy really
feel about Angelo's building?

She said she
didn't care about it,

that she'd never cared about it.

Thank you.

Thank you.

In your own
words, Mrs. Petrillo,

the words of a
beautiful, dignified person

who's got a wild bod
for a chick her age,

what kind of person
is your daughter?

She put me in a home.

(PEOPLE MURMURING)

All right, quiet down.
Order in the courtroom.

Do you have any more
witnesses, Mr. Peterson?

No, Your Honor. New robe?

No. Why?

Looks great.

Thank you, Counselor.

Well, if there are
no more witnesses...

Uh, I... Your Honor,
may I say something?

You may speak.

Uh, Your Honor, this is
all a very simple mistake.

Stan and I are ready
to get an exterminator

to take care of those bugs.

I don't know how
this thing got so far.

But believe me,
we are not criminals.

I want you both to get
an idea of what it's like

for all the people that
you collect rent from.

So I'm going to
sentence both of you

to live in apartment
3C in this building

until such time as it
is brought up to code.

(GAVEL BANGING)

Wait a minute.

You want me to live with
him in the same apartment?

That's right.

But there are bugs there

and they'll think
Stan is their leader.

All right. In you go.

Oh, isn't this lovely?

Look, they put in a bunk bed.

And a chair.

Look, Dorothy, a chair.

This isn't gonna be so bad.

This isn't gonna be bad at all.

Yeah, well, I suppose.

Blanche, can we get out of here?

It's starting to get dark.

You know, Dorothy, in
some ways we're lucky.

How many people get locked up
with someone they're attracted to?

I don't know. The name
Marion Barry comes to mind.

Good luck, Dorothy.

I'll miss you. I love you.

Someday, sweetheart, I'm
gonna get out of this hellhole

and I'm going to
come looking for you.

Don't spend all your time
in prison hating me, Dorothy.

Learn a trade.

Dorothy, tonight I'm gonna
be out front in a laundry truck.

Gotcha. So...

If you hear screamin',
don't call the cops.

Okay, let's go, ladies.

Don't worry, pussycat. We won't
rest till we get you out of here.

Thanks, Ma.

Who wants Chinese?

I got her credit card!
I got her credit card!

(PLAYING HARMONICA)

I asked you not to do that.

I know, but I'm
going stir crazy.

There's no way out. No way out.

Stanley, they let you keep
your belt and shoe laces.

Think about that.

You know, in a way, this apartment
reminds me of our first place.

Do you remember the
first night we spent there?

Yes. And as I recall, I
was trying to read then, too.

You're still mad
at me, aren't you?

Yes, I'm mad at you.

Every time you come into my
life something bad happens.

Oh, you're right. You're right.

You know, I wish
we could go back

to the beginning and try again.

Go back to that first apartment.

We didn't have much,

but we were happy
to have our own place.

Those were good times.

You had gotten your first job.

Yeah. Back then, you
could give blood every week.

Remember the time your
mother took care of the baby?

It was our first
time alone in a year.

You bought me wine and flowers.

I remember.

Remember how much fun we
had in that apartment that night?

I remember.

You know, Dorothy,

the two of us could get
into that bottom bunk

and have some fun again.

What do you say?

For old time's sake?

I... I don't know.

Oh, okay. But let's do it right.

What say you run down

and buy some good
wine and some flowers?

(MOANS) You bet!

Hi, Ma.

My God, did you bust out?

Don't worry, I know what to do.

We'll get you a phony
license and birth certificate.

I know a good plastic surgeon.

By tomorrow morning,
you can be Raul Julia.

Nah, I didn't bust out.

The exterminator
came this morning

and the building inspector
said we could leave.

So, it's over.

You don't sound very happy.

Well, to tell you the
truth, I'm a little confused.

About what?

About Stan.

Oh, geez, you didn't
shack up with him again?

I didn't shack up with him.

He asked and I said no.

But, I'll tell you, for
a few minutes there,

I was thinking of
going to bed with him.

You know who I think about going
to bed with... I don't want to know.

No, really... Believe
me, I don't want to know.

Okay, fine.

But I am confused.

I mean, just when I
think I'm over the man,

something happens.

Am I ever gonna stop
having feelings for him?

Luther Vandross.

Ooh, baby.

Fine. You're not interested.

Of course I'm interested.

See what I have on my feet?

Your regular old shoes.

And do you know why?

Because old lady shoes are me.

Like it or not, they're
a part of my life.

It's like it is with
you and Stan.

Do you understand
what I'm saying?

You're saying that in some
ways Stan belongs in my life.

And, like your shoes,
he may not be stylish,

but he's familiar.
He's comfortable.

And shiny on top.
Don't forget shiny on top.

And I guess that's not so bad.

There you go.

Ah, you know, Ma,
you pick your spots,

but in some ways
you're very wise.

You're not just my mother,
you're my best friend.

Good night, Ma.

Good night, pussycat.

I said no.

Please?

For the last time, I
am not getting you

an electric golf
cart and that's that.

Hello, Wake Up Miami?

"The Big Mean Bug Lady"?

She's at it again.