The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 7, Episode 16 - Questions and Answers - full transcript

Dorothy learns that auditions for the TV game show "Jeopardy!" are coming to Miami, and she plans to try out for it. Later, she dreams of a bizarre game of Jeopardy! which pits her against Rose and her neighbor Charlie Dietz.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidant

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see

♪ The biggest gift
would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪

Everybody, listen to this.

Alex Trebek and
the Jeopardy people

are auditioning
contestants in Miami!

They're coming here! Jeopardy!

Oh, it's my favorite show!


Yes, pussycat, Jeopardy
is your favorite show.

I watch it every night.

We know. We missed
the entire Gulf War.

I like to play along.
Sometimes I win.

Yes. Yes, you do, pussycat.

You win a lot.

You've got a wonderful life.

I'm gonna do it,
Ma. This is my shot.

They're taking applications
beginning Monday morning.

I am going to
be the first in line.

Make that second.

What are you talking
about, Blanche?

You've never cared
about Jeopardy.

No, but I do care
for Alex Trebek.

You see, I've never had a
Canadian who wasn't on skates.

I'm sorry. I didn't know.

I have this recurring fantasy.

"Take me, Alex. Take
me, now," I tell him.

And he says to me,
"Ah, ah, ah, Blanche.

"In the form of a question."

Wow, what a tough day.

I really need
somebody to talk to.

Got to go.

Rose, honey, come over
here and sit down a minute.

Now, Dorothy and I have both been
noticing how down you've been lately,

and we're very concerned.

Oh, it's my work
at the hospital.

I know, I'm the one
who volunteered,

but it's not easy having
to spend that much time

with people who are
old and sick and frail.

Oh, that reminds me. I
got Mah Jongg tomorrow.

Well, anyway, we wanted
to pick up your spirits, Rose.

So, close your eyes.
Close your eyes.

Oh, very funny, Blanche.
Just give me the gift.

Rose. Rose, open your eyes.

Oh, my God, it's a dog!

Oh, you gave me a dog!

We picked him out
down at the shelter.

Ohh. His name is Jake.

Oh, he's adorable!

Oh, I love you already.

In fact, I haven't felt this
way about a dog since...

Since Rusty.

Oh, God, not the
Rusty story again.

Charlie brought him
home as a present

after our first child was born.

Oh, I wish we had a doggie door

so I could push
your head through it.

Oh, he was the best.

Trustworthy, loyal,
smart as a whip.

Oh, I really thought Rusty was
gonna be with our family forever.

Dorothy, do we have any candles?

I'd like to drip some
hot wax in my ears.

Then one horrible, horrible
night, our house caught on fire,

and it was Rusty who
awakened everybody.

It was Rusty who
pulled us all to safety.

He even dashed back

in the burning building
to rescue Scruffy, our cat.

ALL: Whom he never really liked.

Yes, sir, he was a real hero.

Oh, if only he hadn't
gone back in for the TV.

He was a dachshund,
for God's sake.

I mean, what made him
think he could carry a TV?

You know how pig-headed
the Germans are.

Oh, Jake. You're never
gonna leave my side.

In fact, I'll get you a job
with me at the hospital.

Oh, they have a program where...

Where animals come and visit the
elderly patients and cheer them up.

Hey! That slipper is from the
Mamie Van Doren collection!

Will you look at
that? Man's best friend

chasing man's best friend.

Mr. Hubbard? Mrs. Hubbard?

Hello, Rose.

I see you brought
along the hospital chef.

Oh, Jake, don't be pushy.

Oh, what a cute
little guy this is.

How about that?

I haven't seen Grace show so
much spirit since she came here.

Well, that's Jake's job,
to cheer up the patients.

Well, looks like it's working.

Grace loves animals. Always has.

Oh, everybody does, Mr. Hubbard.

That's why ancient man, when
he discovered the need for pets,

turned to the animal kingdom.

I see.

What a good boy. Yes, you are.

Oh, he reminds me
of my old dog, Rusty.

Rose, please, Grace
isn't feeling well.

Can we skip the
Rusty story today?

Okay, everybody,
please take a seat.

There's not much to explain.

The questions we've selected
will test your general knowledge.

It's not an easy exam.

History tells us
that only 10% of you

will score high enough
to be asked back.

Wow, 10%. Only one out of five.

All right, everybody set?

Oh, excuse me, but
where is Mr. Trebek?

Lady, I've worked here 11
years and I haven't met him.

Okay, if there's
nothing else, let's begin.



Where are the Ural Mountains?

Well, well, well, Blanche.

A pot of lip gloss and
a tube of Maybelline

can't help you now,
can they, Blanche?

Who needs you anyway? Hey.

I'll show you mine, if
you show me yours.

It's been two days. Why haven't
those Jeopardy people called?

Dorothy, I'm surprised
at this reaction.

God knows you've had
your share of experience

sittin' by a phone
that doesn't ring.

Girls, you wouldn't believe the
progress Mrs. Hubbard is making.

Oh, is she feeling better?

Oh, it's like a miracle!
She's laughing and talking,

and all because of Jake.

Oh, girls, I cannot
thank you enough.

That dog is the best thing
that ever happened to me.

Here comes our hero now.

And he has my slipper again.

I do not believe this.

I had this thing hidden in the
closet behind three suitcases.

Isn't this dog amazing?

He can find anything.


A viable Democrat
for President. Go!


Hello. Yes, this is she.

Oh, my God, it's
them. It's Jeopardy.

I did? Oh, this is wonderful.

Wonderful. What?

Yes, yes, she's my...
She's my roommate.

Oh, that is fabulous news, too.

Oh, sure, sure, I'll
be happy to tell her.

Blanche, you flunked.

Dorothy, don't tell me you have
been at those books all night.

Well, that... That's just
downright unhealthy.

Please. I am exhausted,
but I have to keep going.

If I get through the trial
run, I'm on the show.

Besides, in college, we used
to pull all-nighters all the time.

Oh, that sounds so hard.

Thank God I was pretty.

Dorothy, I'm sorry, I
won't be able to quiz you.

Jake and I are due
at the Hubbards'.

But I have a book here
that should help you prepare

for your Jeopardy tryout.

The St. Olaf High
School yearbook?

No. Thanks anyway, Rose,
I don't think I'll be needing it.

Well, okay, Miss Know-It-All.

But if Alex Trebek
asks you what years

Ulf Horvald was on the
student council back-to-back,

don't come crying to me.

1946 and '47.

I intend to win this.

Dorothy, get some sleep.

You're being too intense here.

Don't you remember that
spelling bee in second grade?

You beat all the kids so bad

they wouldn't invite you
to any birthday parties.

Ma, that had nothing to
do with the spelling bee.

The kids were
just jealous of me.

Jealous. J-E-A...
All right, all right.

Besides, Ma, all
that studying paid off.

Oh, yeah, paid off.

You got knocked
up in high school.

Ma, I am 60 years old.

Why do you have to bring
this up every day of my life?

So it won't happen again.

Potsdam Conference, July, 1945.

Present were Truman,
Stalin, Trebek...

JOHNNY: And now,
from Miami, Florida,

this is Jeopardy.

Let's bring out
today's contestants.

First we have a substitute high
school teacher, Dorothy Zbornak.

Next, cruise ship
purser, Charlie Dietz.

Welcome aboard.

And for all you babes who
didn't think I had a mind, I cry, too.

JOHNNY: Wow, you are sensitive.

And finally, our four-time
defending champion

with $92,000, attempting
today to set an all-time

Jeopardy earnings record,
television associate producer

Rose Nylund.


Four-time champion? How?

This woman is an idiot.

JOHNNY: Oh, really? She didn't
get knocked up in high school.

And now, the host of
Jeopardy, Alex Trebek.

Thank you, Johnny Gilbert.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Hi, everyone, and welcome to
another of our special programs

coming to you from Florida.

You have just met
our three contestants.

They are all very
eager to get underway.

The categories are:

Cows, Babes,

Chickens, More Babes,

Chicken Babes,

and finally, Baby Chickens.

Rose, you're the
returning champion,

and that means you make
the first selection. Off you go.

Well, Alex, as you know, I
was raised in a rural community.

I'm proud to take Cows for $300.

TREBEK: The answer is,

"A young cow that
has not yet born a calf."


What is a heifer? You're right.

Still your board. Select again.

Cows for $400.

TREBEK: Answer this time,

"Loretta Young played
an innocent milkmaid

"in this Oscar-winning
1947 film."

TREBEK: Charlie.

What is The Farmer's Daughter?

TREBEK: You are right.

I thought it was a
different kind of movie.

Which brings us
to Babes for $100.

Babes, it is.

The answer, "Old Yeller,
The China Syndrome,

"Truth or Dare." Charlie.

What are Miss July's
all-time favorite films?

You are right once again.

And I believe that she
has taken up windsurfing

since her magazine appearance.

JOHNNY: That's correct, Alex.

Thank you, Johnny. Charlie?

Hey, I'm on a roll. Give
me More Babes for $500.

Wait a minute.
This is ridiculous.

This isn't Jeopardy.

It's a dream, Dorothy,
go along with it.

Anything can happen in a dream.

So let's move on
to Double Jeopardy.


And the categories for this
more difficult round of play are,

Structural Engineering,

Roman Law, Systems
of Nonuniform Motion,

Phenomena, and finally, Gum.

Rose, once again
you get to select first.

(STAMMERS) Gum for $200.

TREBEK: The answer is, "Latin
term for a colloidal carbohydrate

"found in certain
trees and plants."

Rose? What is Juicy Fruit?

No, I'm sorry. That is incorrect.

Charlie, you rang in.

Oh, I didn't mean to buzz.

I was just scratching myself.

That's going to be
a very costly itch.

Dorothy, would you
like to try this one?

What is cummi?

You are absolutely right.

Where would you like to go?

Alex, Structural
Engineering for...

I'm gonna go for it, $1,000.

In fact, give me every
category for $1,000.

Now that's what I
call real jeopardy.

Dorothy, proceed.

Uh, what is the

What is a foot-candle?

What is the Theodosian Code?

What is the speed of light?

Uh, what is the point
of any of this, Alex?

I am humiliating these two.

Rose, Charlie,
I'm afraid Dorothy

is absolutely right
about that, too.

So why don't we go
on to Final Jeopardy?

And today, our Final
Jeopardy category is this,

U.S. History.

My major in college!

TREBEK: All right,
players. Make your wagers.

Today's Final
Jeopardy answer is,

"American hero
buried in Grant's Tomb."


All right,
contestants, time's up.

Charlie, we're going
to begin with you.

Let's take a look at
what you put down.

What is that?

I didn't know the answer,
so I drew a little man.

Is it this guy?

No, I'm afraid it's
not. Let's go to Rose.

Her response to "American
hero buried in Grant's tomb" was?

"Who is Cary Grant?"

Well, this should come
as no surprise to anyone,

but our champion is right again.


How much did you wa...

Well, you didn't wager anything.

Played it very close
to the vest, Rose.

Very slick indeed. Dorothy?

a min... Wait a minute!

Cary is not the Grant
buried in Grant's Tomb.

Ulysses S. is.

Ulysses S. was a Grant,

and he may have
wound up in a tomb,

but he is not the
correct response.


But I bet everything.

I demand a ruling.

Well, you happen to be in luck.

Because waiting in
the wings right now

is the only man in America
who knows more than I do

about this subject.

The creator of our
show, Merv Griffin.


Thank you. Thank you, thank you.

Thank you, Alex.

Dorothy, this is my show
and I say the correct answer

is Cary Grant.

Just like you see in
that fine portrait there.

Mr. Griffin, please,

you are the most
beloved man in America.

You are bright, you are...

You are charming.

You are the anti-Trump.

Excuse me, Dorothy, but
Mr. Griffin really hates it

when people kiss up to him.

Isn't that right,
Your Excellency?

Absolutely right.

And just for that,
no parting gifts.

All right!

But I won. I won.

I won. I won. I won.

Oh, I won. I won.

I won. I won.

I won.

She must be having
the shot-put dream again.

Hello? Anybody home?

Welcome wagon, come and get it!

Hello, Rose.

Oh, Mr. Hubbard,
I didn't expect...

Grace took a turn for the worse,

and, well, she's
out of pain now.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

We're gonna miss her.

Aren't we, Jake?

We're gonna miss
her, aren't we, boy?

Mr. Hubbard.

I know it's a lot to
ask at a time like this,

but I've been
finding it a bit much,

you know, worrying
about water bowls

and morning walks and all.

I wonder, would there be
any chance you'd consider

Jake's coming to live with you?

Well, if he's too much trouble.

Are you sure?

Oh, I'm sure.

I mean, you'd be
doing me a favor.

Thank you, Mr. Hubbard.

Rose, thank you.

Listen, you be a good boy.

Don't chase.

Always remember,
cats are people, too.

I'm gonna miss you, Jake.

Okay, players, prepare to play

the final simulated
game of the day.

Our contestants.
Professor Reginald Bradley

of the National Aeronautics
and Space Administration.

Dr. Julie Steever,

chief of neurosurgery,
Victory Memorial Hospital.

And Dorothy Zbornak,
a substitute teacher.

All right. Our first
category is English History.

"Shared command with
Cromwell in victory at Naseby."

Who is Baron Fairfax?

That is correct.


Ooh, that was a snap.

I thought this was
gonna be a challenge,

but, you know, then again, I've
always been a student of history.

Ah, maybe history has
never been your subject...

Ms. Zbornak? Can we continue?

I'm afraid this is the point

where Alex would
politely tell you to shut up.

He would, and he should.

I mean, after all,
he is the moderator.

And the function,
if not to... Shut up.


Continuing with English
History, fifth wife of Henry VIII.

Who was Catherine
Howard? Correct.

I knew that. I knew...

The first one, I admit,
was a bit of a fluke,

but that one I knew.

Okay, switching categories
to the Book of Genesis.

Hey, Doc, I bet you
wish you hadn't wasted

all that time on Darwin now, eh?

"Along with Torah, another
name for the first five books

"of the Old Testament."

What is Pentecost?

I'm sorry. What is Pentateuch?


Pentecost, please.

Somebody stop the bleeding.

Pussycat, leave a few scraps
for the other two nudniks.

You never know when I might
need a good neurosurgeon.

Ma, these people
are not nudniks.

They are brilliant,
accomplished scientists,

and I'm wiping
the floor with them.

Thank you, players.

I've seen all I need to.

Ms. Zbornak, that was an
impressive body of knowledge.

It was, wasn't it?

Listen, I hope there
are no hard feelings.

Watch me if you're at home.

MAN: Well, that
concludes our run-through.

We'll be giving some of
you directions to the studio.

Those of you who
do not receive a flyer,

thank you for playing the game

and better luck next time.


Listen, I don't want anybody
to lose his job over this,

but I didn't get a flyer.

I realize that.

But I was good. I was brilliant.

"An impressive body of
knowledge," you said so yourself.

How could I not be on?

All right, if you really wanna
know, Ms. Zbornak, I'll tell you.

On Jeopardy, we don't have
any celebrity stars as contestants.

Everyday citizens,
those are our stars.

Those are the people
that our viewers care about,

identify with, root for.

We don't believe
anyone would root for you.

Thank you very much for coming.

(CRYING) He said
America wouldn't root for me.

Sweetheart, he's wrong.

How could America
not root for you?

You're what this
country's all about.

The daughter of immigrants
who became the first member

of her family to go to college.

You made something of yourself.

Oh, thanks, Ma.

Until you got knocked up
in a backseat by a nobody.

People didn't want you
at their birthday parties,

and they don't want
you in their living rooms.

I thought this was supposed
to make me feel better.

We did that. Now we're up
to the part where I feel better.

Come on, let's go home.

Life Saver? Ah, go to hell, Ma.

Hi, I'm Rose Nylund,
your Sunshine volunteer.

I have magazines and newspapers.

Oh, newspapers.

Every time I see one, I
think of my old dog, Jake.

Course, every
time I think of him,

it reminds me of
my first dog, Rusty.

Oh, he was the best.

I mean, he was so good.

He was smart and trustworthy.

Where are you going?