The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 7, Episode 14 - Goodbye, Mr. Gordon - full transcript
Dorothy's old high school teacher, Mr. Gordon, plagiarizes something she wrote.
♪ Thank you for being a friend
♪ Traveled down the
road and back again
♪ Your heart is true
♪ You're a pal and a confidant
♪ And if you threw a party
♪ Invited everyone you knew
♪ You would see
♪ The biggest gift
would be from me
♪ And the card
attached would say
♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Hello? You wanna talk to who?
Dorothy? Sorry, you must've
dialed the wrong number.
Blanche, what do you
mean, wrong number?
Oh, it was a man,
so I just assumed...
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Hello? Yes, this is she.
I don't believe it!
Well... Oh, that's great.
Why don't you come here?
We'll have lunch.
(LAUGHING)
Oh, fine.
Fine, I'll see you
then. Bye-bye.
Well? Well, what?
Oh, now, Dorothy, fess
up. I know that was a man.
I can always tell
when a man calls
'cause you start sweatin' and
get a bad case of the giggles.
I do not.
(GIGGLING)
All right, talk.
It's no big deal.
That was my 11th grade English
teacher from back in Brooklyn,
Mr. Gordon.
He's moved to Miami,
and he wants to get
together tomorrow for lunch.
End of story.
(GIGGLING)
Ah, Mr. Gordon.
Dorothy had a huge
embarrassing crush on him.
She was his slave. She graded
his papers, did his laundry.
Once, she even
rotated his tires.
Boy, that stroke didn't make
you forget a thing, did it, Ma?
A crush on the
teacher. Ah, I had those.
Course, I had to hide them because
they made the principal jealous.
Actually, though, once, I did have
a fling with the calculus teacher.
Oh, and did you get an A?
(SCOFFS) More like a
full scholarship to MIT.
My Dorothy didn't date
teachers in high school.
She dated losers like Stan who
knocked her up and ruined her life forever.
It would be like a day without
orange juice, wouldn't it, Ma?
Girls, guess what?
They gave me another
job at the television station.
The old associate producer quit,
so now I am the new
associate producer
of the Wake-Up! Miami show.
They even gave me a
nameplate for my desk.
"Harold Goldstein,
Associate Producer."
Isn't it exciting?
Oh, congratulations, Harold.
That's great.
We've already had
our first meeting.
I suggested we do a show
about women who live
together, and they jumped on it.
Well, Rose, that's a great idea.
We already have
two women lined up.
We just have to find two more.
Why, my God,
Rose, open your eyes!
This is exactly the kind of
exposure I've been lookin' for.
Please, enough of your exposure.
We've already lost
three gardeners.
No, wait, Dorothy,
this is a wonderful idea.
I mean, you and
Blanche live together.
Why don't you do the show?
Oh, I would love to.
You know, I
wouldn't mind doing it.
I mean, there are some very
important issues I'd like to discuss.
What the hell. I'll do it, too.
Oh, sorry, Sophia.
There's only room for two
more guests on the panel.
That's not fair. Why
should I be left out?
If I don't do it,
Dorothy won't do it.
So, when do you want me there?
Hi, girls.
Oh, Dorothy,
don't you look nice.
Well, thank you, Rose.
Mr. Gordon is coming
over for lunch today.
We're having it
out on the lanai.
So that's why you're acting
like it's the first day of school.
Mr. Gordon is coming over.
(IMITATING KISSING)
Mother, just stop that.
Mr. Gordon is probably
over 70 by now.
He's practically ancient.
Seventy is ancient?
If I met a man that age
who looked halfway decent,
I'd be on my back
before you could say,
"I've fallen and
I can't get up."
That's great, Ma.
That's really beautiful.
But there's nothing like that
between me and Mr. Gordon.
If you don't believe me, why
don't you join us for lunch?
Join you for lunch?
Let me check my social calendar.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Oh, okay, I'm free.
Ma, that calendar's from 1984.
Oh, yeah, this is the day I
escaped from Shady Pines.
It says right here,
"I'm free! I'm free!"
(CHUCKLING) Oh, Mr. Gordon.
Dorothy, you look wonderful.
(GIRLISHLY) Oh,
thank you, Mr. Gordon.
Hey, no more of that
Mr. Gordon stuff. It's Malcolm.
Absolutely, Mr. Malcolm.
(GIGGLING)
Come, meet my roommates.
Uh, Blanche, Rose, my
mother Sophia, Malcolm Gordon.
Yeah, of course. Mrs. Petrillo.
We met before. You were
having a problem with my son, Phil.
Oh, right.
The problem with the dress code.
I still don't understand
the problem.
He was wearing a dress.
My goodness, you're as
cute as Dorothy said you'd be.
That never happens.
(MALCOLM CHUCKLING)
Well, a lot of my ex-students
were surprised that I wasn't older,
but, uh, they failed to realize
I started teaching
right out of college.
I really wasn't much
older than they were.
Well, I... I guess
when you're 17,
23 can seem rather
dangerous and forbidden.
When you're 17, a cow can
seem dangerous and forbidden.
Am I alone here?
Well, uh, why don't
we go out to the lanai?
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
Wait a minute.
Didn't you forget something?
Oh, yes, of course.
Goodbye, Mother.
What? What, goodbye?
You invited me to lunch.
Rain check, rain check.
I think that is a lovely
idea, Mrs. Petrillo.
Don't worry, Dorothy. I'll
be on my best behavior.
I won't say or do
anything to embarrass you.
Oh, wait.
Goofy pictures of Dorothy
when she was a kid.
Might as well have a
couple of laughs over lunch.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Oh, here's a picture of
Dorothy's ninth birthday party.
Look how scared the clown looks.
You know, I can't believe you
actually got a clown for my birthday.
I can still see his big red nose
and those huge black
circles around his eyes.
Oh, he wasn't a real clown.
He was a friend of your father's.
He'd been beaten
up the night before.
We gave him a couple of bucks.
I guess that's why
he kept saying,
"Now, remember, kids,
nobody likes a squealer."
Here are some
pictures of Dorothy at 11,
a hilariously
awkward age for her.
(CHUCKLING)
Ma, enough with the pictures.
Why don't you get
us some coffee?
'Cause it gives me the trots.
Oh, I get it. Company. Company.
Pardon me.
She's charming.
Oh, you're very kind.
I'm sorry she bored you
with all these old pictures.
Nonsense, I enjoyed it.
Oh. Look.
Look, your graduation picture.
You were such a lovely girl.
(GIGGLING) Oh, I
never felt that way.
I always felt awkward and
clumsy, except in your class.
You made me feel intelligent
and beautiful and special.
I never forgot that.
And I have never forgotten you.
(GIGGLING)
So, how do you
like being retired?
Actually, I intend to work. I
just got my first assignment
to write an article for
the book review section.
I'm a little nervous.
It's due next week.
Oh, well, now you
know how we used to feel
when you would
assign us a book report.
I remember that
crazy excuse you used
when you didn't hand
your paper in. What was it?
Oh, that you'd married that
kid, Stan, what's his name?
Gee, I don't remember.
I'm having a little
trouble getting started.
I can't seem to get
my thoughts organized.
Well, uh, maybe
you'd like a little help.
Really? I certainly
could use a little.
Well, I'd be happy to.
Well, that is great.
We'll start tomorrow.
Oh. No, I'm doing a TV
show tomorrow morning.
A TV show? Well, I'm impressed.
Well, no, it's just a
little old local show,
but they're anxious to get
my views on women's issues.
Hey, why don't you come to the
studio, and we can start right after?
Perfect.
Just perfect.
(CHUCKLING)
Dorothy, to us.
More goofy pictures!
(CHUCKLING)
Here's Dorothy in
her wedding gown.
Look how scared the groom looks.
(LAUGHING)
Okay, come on, Blanche.
You're on in one minute.
You sit over there, and... and,
Dorothy, you get touched up,
and, Sophia, come on, I'll see if I
can find you a seat in the audience.
Hurry up, honey. Here.
Dorothy? Well, you look lovely.
Oh. For your television debut.
Oh, they're beautiful.
Dorothy?
Good luck.
Come on, Dorothy.
We're starting.
He kissed me. He
gave me flowers.
Dorothy, come
on, it's almost time.
Over here, honey. Please.
All right, you sit over
there. Down there, that's it.
What's wrong with her?
Malcolm kissed her.
My God, she's in shock.
He gave me flowers from a store.
Ladies, good morning.
We go on in about 10 seconds.
Oh! Just relax and
have a fun show, okay?
(WAKE-UP! MIAMI THEME
MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)
Good morning and
welcome to Wake-Up! Miami.
Today, women who live together.
Does society make it tougher?
We'll find out when we talk to four
lesbians today on Wake-Up! Miami.
Rose, could I see
you for moment?
You're mad, aren't you?
Rose Nylund, every man I
know is watching this show.
This live show.
This live show about
lesbian lovers of Miami.
Every man you know is watching?
Hey, we could beat
The Price Is Right.
Rose, we can't kill you here
because there are cameras.
Now, how did this happen?
Oh, I don't know.
They just said they wanted
two women who loved each other
and slept together.
We do not sleep together!
Yes, you did.
Last month, when... When Blanche
was having her room repainted
because the plaster behind
her headboard all fell out.
We're back in 30
seconds, ladies.
Listen, I'm not gonna do this.
Blanche, if you
leave, they'll fire me.
Good.
My mother is here.
My teacher is here. Good.
If I lose my job, I won't be
able to do anything but sit home
and tell St. Olaf stories.
Blackmail.
Oh, very smart.
Hey, they don't call me
Harold Goldstein for nothing.
Maybe if we don't say anything,
we're not on camera that much.
I mean, we can't
let Rose lose her job.
(THEME MUSIC
PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)
We're back. Let's
meet our panelists.
Dorothy, a lesbian.
Blanche, another lesbian.
And Pat and Kathy,
image consultants.
How come they're not lesbians?
We don't believe in labels.
Oh, I see we have a
question from the audience.
Yes, sir.
Are there male/female
roles in the relationship?
Well, I am the little homemaker,
if that's what you mean.
Now, wait a minute.
Just... (INAUDIBLE)
And I take out the garbage.
Fascinating, huh?
Any other questions?
Ah, here we go.
This is directed
to Dorothy's lover.
Do people treat you differently
because you're a lesbian?
Well, most people don't know.
Really? I would've
guessed right off.
Next question to Dorothy.
What kind of pain
and embarrassment
has this lifestyle
caused your mother?
I really don't know,
but I'll ask her tomorrow
when I visit her at the home.
No more questions.
(KETTLE WHISTLING)
Oh.
Not one phone call all day.
That's not true, Blanche.
The phone's been
ringing off the hook.
Not one phone call
from a man all day, Rose.
By the way, Dorothy,
if I were a lesbian,
I sure would be a popular one.
Look at this, 20 calls.
(CHUCKLING)
"Mirror, mirror on
the wall, who's the..."
Oh, what am I doin'?
Listen to me.
Rose, I could just strangle you.
So you're still miffed?
Well, I don't mind bein'
labeled a lesbian, honey,
but since I'm not, you
just ruined my social life.
Oh, go ahead. Blanche, I'm a
bubblehead and I deserve to die.
I said I'm a bubblehead
and I deserve to die.
And it was worth repeating.
Dorothy, I just got off the
phone with my girlfriend Gladys.
She thinks you can
do better than Blanche.
I agree, but, Ma, if
it's all right with you,
I have a lot of work to do here.
I can't believe you're
still working on that article.
I thought you were just
gonna help organize it.
I can't believe you're
doing this again.
You're letting him take advantage
of you like he did in high school.
He is under a lot of pressure,
and I don't want him
to kiss his deadline.
Miss. Miss his deadline.
Ooh, Mr. Gordon.
(IMITATING KISSING)
Oh, all right. I admit it.
I do have a little crush,
but his kiss just
took me by surprise.
You know, at first, I didn't
think he was going to do it.
He looked more like
he was going to wink,
but then he slanted his
head just slightly to the left.
Oh, I know that slant.
You know every slant.
So why don't you let my daughter
finish her one kissing
story of the year?
Thank you, Ma.
My pleasure, meal ticket.
It was at that
point that I realized
his head was coming toward me.
Were his eyes open
or closed? Open.
(BOTH SQUEALING)
And then he landed.
I thought, "Oh, Mr. Gordon!
"Oh, if only Cynthia
Costello was here to see this."
(GASPING) Kinky.
I don't wanna hear
any more of this.
I don't like you being taken advantage
of by some guy from out of town.
At least, when Blanche
does it, it's good for tourism.
Then you're really not
mad at me anymore?
Rose, I'm a reasonable
person. I forgive you.
Does that mean you'll
turn my heat back on?
I was really chilly last night.
Okay, Rose.
Blanche, what made you
decide to forgive Rose?
Because I'm reasonable
and kind and considerate,
and I'm back in the game.
I have a date tonight
with a young man
I met in the produce
department at the market.
I showed him how
to thump a melon.
There's a euphemism
we haven't heard before.
I realized something.
Just because every man
in my life thinks I'm a lesbian
doesn't mean there aren't
thousands and hundreds
and millions of men
out there who don't.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
That must be my melon man.
Zorro rides again.
Chuck! Thumper!
Not exactly a
Disney movie, is it?
Oh, Chuck, this is
my roommate Rose,
and this is my roommate
Dorothy and her mama, Sophia.
Oh, yes, I recognize
them from TV.
You... You saw the show?
Yes, I did.
Blanche, it was one of the
things that attracted me to you.
Oh, well, you don't understand.
No, I do understand, Blanche.
I understand that
you're this way
because you've probably
never been with a real man.
Dorothy, do I wet
myself or laugh?
All you need is to be loved
by someone who knows how.
Someone who will take his time
and then show you passion
beyond your wildest dreams.
Dorothy, it's over between us.
Blanche!
Dorothy, now
don't try to stop me.
Don't you see I
have to try this?
Oh, all right, Blanche.
I... I understand.
You're a good sport.
You just take care of her.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Malcolm.
Dorothy, I hope you
don't mind me dropping by,
but, well, I got an advance
copy of the book review,
and I thought you'd like
to see our article in print.
Are you kidding?
Oh, let me read it.
"'Nineteenth Century Writers
Living in the Twentieth Century'
"by Malcolm Gordon."
I see you used my title.
Oh, yes.
Read on, read on.
Dorothy, is something wrong?
Well, this is exactly the
same article that I gave you.
Well, it didn't
need a lot of work.
I... I didn't have to add much.
I notice you didn't
add my name to it.
Well, no, no, not this
time, but... but next time.
What makes you think
there'll be a next time?
Well, Dorothy, I did
rewrite your article,
but, well, they asked for a lot of
changes in just a few short hours.
So, I... I submitted
your pages and...
Well, I was just too embarrassed
to tell them that it was your work,
but it won't happen
again, I promise.
No, it won't.
Goodbye, Mr. Gordon.
(CHUCKLING) Malcolm.
Sorry.
So am I.
What's wrong, Dorothy?
Ma, you were right again.
He was just using me.
Sit down, pussycat.
I wanna tell you something.
You give too much, and when
you do that, you're gonna get hurt.
I know.
Oh, but I was so disappointed.
For 40 years, I've
had this fantasy
that Mr. Gordon would come
swooping into my life like Sir Lancelot.
Now I don't even have that.
You can keep the fantasy alive.
It's part of life.
You know what I call my pillow?
Sal.
Sometimes I hug it. Sometimes
it lays there like a big lump,
just like your father.
That's how I keep him alive.
That's lovely, Ma.
You know what I
call my other pillow?
Dino.
But that's another story.
I'll tell you about it when
you're, oh, about 70.
I'll be here.
So will I, pussycat. So will I.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Yes?
Hi, I... I don't know if you
remember me. My name is Pat.
I was on Wake-Up!
Miami with you last week.
Oh, yes, yes, of course.
What can I do for you?
I heard about you and Blanche.
I'm sorry. It's too soon.
Too soon.
♪ Traveled down the
road and back again
♪ Your heart is true
♪ You're a pal and a confidant
♪ And if you threw a party
♪ Invited everyone you knew
♪ You would see
♪ The biggest gift
would be from me
♪ And the card
attached would say
♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Hello? You wanna talk to who?
Dorothy? Sorry, you must've
dialed the wrong number.
Blanche, what do you
mean, wrong number?
Oh, it was a man,
so I just assumed...
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Hello? Yes, this is she.
I don't believe it!
Well... Oh, that's great.
Why don't you come here?
We'll have lunch.
(LAUGHING)
Oh, fine.
Fine, I'll see you
then. Bye-bye.
Well? Well, what?
Oh, now, Dorothy, fess
up. I know that was a man.
I can always tell
when a man calls
'cause you start sweatin' and
get a bad case of the giggles.
I do not.
(GIGGLING)
All right, talk.
It's no big deal.
That was my 11th grade English
teacher from back in Brooklyn,
Mr. Gordon.
He's moved to Miami,
and he wants to get
together tomorrow for lunch.
End of story.
(GIGGLING)
Ah, Mr. Gordon.
Dorothy had a huge
embarrassing crush on him.
She was his slave. She graded
his papers, did his laundry.
Once, she even
rotated his tires.
Boy, that stroke didn't make
you forget a thing, did it, Ma?
A crush on the
teacher. Ah, I had those.
Course, I had to hide them because
they made the principal jealous.
Actually, though, once, I did have
a fling with the calculus teacher.
Oh, and did you get an A?
(SCOFFS) More like a
full scholarship to MIT.
My Dorothy didn't date
teachers in high school.
She dated losers like Stan who
knocked her up and ruined her life forever.
It would be like a day without
orange juice, wouldn't it, Ma?
Girls, guess what?
They gave me another
job at the television station.
The old associate producer quit,
so now I am the new
associate producer
of the Wake-Up! Miami show.
They even gave me a
nameplate for my desk.
"Harold Goldstein,
Associate Producer."
Isn't it exciting?
Oh, congratulations, Harold.
That's great.
We've already had
our first meeting.
I suggested we do a show
about women who live
together, and they jumped on it.
Well, Rose, that's a great idea.
We already have
two women lined up.
We just have to find two more.
Why, my God,
Rose, open your eyes!
This is exactly the kind of
exposure I've been lookin' for.
Please, enough of your exposure.
We've already lost
three gardeners.
No, wait, Dorothy,
this is a wonderful idea.
I mean, you and
Blanche live together.
Why don't you do the show?
Oh, I would love to.
You know, I
wouldn't mind doing it.
I mean, there are some very
important issues I'd like to discuss.
What the hell. I'll do it, too.
Oh, sorry, Sophia.
There's only room for two
more guests on the panel.
That's not fair. Why
should I be left out?
If I don't do it,
Dorothy won't do it.
So, when do you want me there?
Hi, girls.
Oh, Dorothy,
don't you look nice.
Well, thank you, Rose.
Mr. Gordon is coming
over for lunch today.
We're having it
out on the lanai.
So that's why you're acting
like it's the first day of school.
Mr. Gordon is coming over.
(IMITATING KISSING)
Mother, just stop that.
Mr. Gordon is probably
over 70 by now.
He's practically ancient.
Seventy is ancient?
If I met a man that age
who looked halfway decent,
I'd be on my back
before you could say,
"I've fallen and
I can't get up."
That's great, Ma.
That's really beautiful.
But there's nothing like that
between me and Mr. Gordon.
If you don't believe me, why
don't you join us for lunch?
Join you for lunch?
Let me check my social calendar.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Oh, okay, I'm free.
Ma, that calendar's from 1984.
Oh, yeah, this is the day I
escaped from Shady Pines.
It says right here,
"I'm free! I'm free!"
(CHUCKLING) Oh, Mr. Gordon.
Dorothy, you look wonderful.
(GIRLISHLY) Oh,
thank you, Mr. Gordon.
Hey, no more of that
Mr. Gordon stuff. It's Malcolm.
Absolutely, Mr. Malcolm.
(GIGGLING)
Come, meet my roommates.
Uh, Blanche, Rose, my
mother Sophia, Malcolm Gordon.
Yeah, of course. Mrs. Petrillo.
We met before. You were
having a problem with my son, Phil.
Oh, right.
The problem with the dress code.
I still don't understand
the problem.
He was wearing a dress.
My goodness, you're as
cute as Dorothy said you'd be.
That never happens.
(MALCOLM CHUCKLING)
Well, a lot of my ex-students
were surprised that I wasn't older,
but, uh, they failed to realize
I started teaching
right out of college.
I really wasn't much
older than they were.
Well, I... I guess
when you're 17,
23 can seem rather
dangerous and forbidden.
When you're 17, a cow can
seem dangerous and forbidden.
Am I alone here?
Well, uh, why don't
we go out to the lanai?
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
Wait a minute.
Didn't you forget something?
Oh, yes, of course.
Goodbye, Mother.
What? What, goodbye?
You invited me to lunch.
Rain check, rain check.
I think that is a lovely
idea, Mrs. Petrillo.
Don't worry, Dorothy. I'll
be on my best behavior.
I won't say or do
anything to embarrass you.
Oh, wait.
Goofy pictures of Dorothy
when she was a kid.
Might as well have a
couple of laughs over lunch.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Oh, here's a picture of
Dorothy's ninth birthday party.
Look how scared the clown looks.
You know, I can't believe you
actually got a clown for my birthday.
I can still see his big red nose
and those huge black
circles around his eyes.
Oh, he wasn't a real clown.
He was a friend of your father's.
He'd been beaten
up the night before.
We gave him a couple of bucks.
I guess that's why
he kept saying,
"Now, remember, kids,
nobody likes a squealer."
Here are some
pictures of Dorothy at 11,
a hilariously
awkward age for her.
(CHUCKLING)
Ma, enough with the pictures.
Why don't you get
us some coffee?
'Cause it gives me the trots.
Oh, I get it. Company. Company.
Pardon me.
She's charming.
Oh, you're very kind.
I'm sorry she bored you
with all these old pictures.
Nonsense, I enjoyed it.
Oh. Look.
Look, your graduation picture.
You were such a lovely girl.
(GIGGLING) Oh, I
never felt that way.
I always felt awkward and
clumsy, except in your class.
You made me feel intelligent
and beautiful and special.
I never forgot that.
And I have never forgotten you.
(GIGGLING)
So, how do you
like being retired?
Actually, I intend to work. I
just got my first assignment
to write an article for
the book review section.
I'm a little nervous.
It's due next week.
Oh, well, now you
know how we used to feel
when you would
assign us a book report.
I remember that
crazy excuse you used
when you didn't hand
your paper in. What was it?
Oh, that you'd married that
kid, Stan, what's his name?
Gee, I don't remember.
I'm having a little
trouble getting started.
I can't seem to get
my thoughts organized.
Well, uh, maybe
you'd like a little help.
Really? I certainly
could use a little.
Well, I'd be happy to.
Well, that is great.
We'll start tomorrow.
Oh. No, I'm doing a TV
show tomorrow morning.
A TV show? Well, I'm impressed.
Well, no, it's just a
little old local show,
but they're anxious to get
my views on women's issues.
Hey, why don't you come to the
studio, and we can start right after?
Perfect.
Just perfect.
(CHUCKLING)
Dorothy, to us.
More goofy pictures!
(CHUCKLING)
Here's Dorothy in
her wedding gown.
Look how scared the groom looks.
(LAUGHING)
Okay, come on, Blanche.
You're on in one minute.
You sit over there, and... and,
Dorothy, you get touched up,
and, Sophia, come on, I'll see if I
can find you a seat in the audience.
Hurry up, honey. Here.
Dorothy? Well, you look lovely.
Oh. For your television debut.
Oh, they're beautiful.
Dorothy?
Good luck.
Come on, Dorothy.
We're starting.
He kissed me. He
gave me flowers.
Dorothy, come
on, it's almost time.
Over here, honey. Please.
All right, you sit over
there. Down there, that's it.
What's wrong with her?
Malcolm kissed her.
My God, she's in shock.
He gave me flowers from a store.
Ladies, good morning.
We go on in about 10 seconds.
Oh! Just relax and
have a fun show, okay?
(WAKE-UP! MIAMI THEME
MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)
Good morning and
welcome to Wake-Up! Miami.
Today, women who live together.
Does society make it tougher?
We'll find out when we talk to four
lesbians today on Wake-Up! Miami.
Rose, could I see
you for moment?
You're mad, aren't you?
Rose Nylund, every man I
know is watching this show.
This live show.
This live show about
lesbian lovers of Miami.
Every man you know is watching?
Hey, we could beat
The Price Is Right.
Rose, we can't kill you here
because there are cameras.
Now, how did this happen?
Oh, I don't know.
They just said they wanted
two women who loved each other
and slept together.
We do not sleep together!
Yes, you did.
Last month, when... When Blanche
was having her room repainted
because the plaster behind
her headboard all fell out.
We're back in 30
seconds, ladies.
Listen, I'm not gonna do this.
Blanche, if you
leave, they'll fire me.
Good.
My mother is here.
My teacher is here. Good.
If I lose my job, I won't be
able to do anything but sit home
and tell St. Olaf stories.
Blackmail.
Oh, very smart.
Hey, they don't call me
Harold Goldstein for nothing.
Maybe if we don't say anything,
we're not on camera that much.
I mean, we can't
let Rose lose her job.
(THEME MUSIC
PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)
We're back. Let's
meet our panelists.
Dorothy, a lesbian.
Blanche, another lesbian.
And Pat and Kathy,
image consultants.
How come they're not lesbians?
We don't believe in labels.
Oh, I see we have a
question from the audience.
Yes, sir.
Are there male/female
roles in the relationship?
Well, I am the little homemaker,
if that's what you mean.
Now, wait a minute.
Just... (INAUDIBLE)
And I take out the garbage.
Fascinating, huh?
Any other questions?
Ah, here we go.
This is directed
to Dorothy's lover.
Do people treat you differently
because you're a lesbian?
Well, most people don't know.
Really? I would've
guessed right off.
Next question to Dorothy.
What kind of pain
and embarrassment
has this lifestyle
caused your mother?
I really don't know,
but I'll ask her tomorrow
when I visit her at the home.
No more questions.
(KETTLE WHISTLING)
Oh.
Not one phone call all day.
That's not true, Blanche.
The phone's been
ringing off the hook.
Not one phone call
from a man all day, Rose.
By the way, Dorothy,
if I were a lesbian,
I sure would be a popular one.
Look at this, 20 calls.
(CHUCKLING)
"Mirror, mirror on
the wall, who's the..."
Oh, what am I doin'?
Listen to me.
Rose, I could just strangle you.
So you're still miffed?
Well, I don't mind bein'
labeled a lesbian, honey,
but since I'm not, you
just ruined my social life.
Oh, go ahead. Blanche, I'm a
bubblehead and I deserve to die.
I said I'm a bubblehead
and I deserve to die.
And it was worth repeating.
Dorothy, I just got off the
phone with my girlfriend Gladys.
She thinks you can
do better than Blanche.
I agree, but, Ma, if
it's all right with you,
I have a lot of work to do here.
I can't believe you're
still working on that article.
I thought you were just
gonna help organize it.
I can't believe you're
doing this again.
You're letting him take advantage
of you like he did in high school.
He is under a lot of pressure,
and I don't want him
to kiss his deadline.
Miss. Miss his deadline.
Ooh, Mr. Gordon.
(IMITATING KISSING)
Oh, all right. I admit it.
I do have a little crush,
but his kiss just
took me by surprise.
You know, at first, I didn't
think he was going to do it.
He looked more like
he was going to wink,
but then he slanted his
head just slightly to the left.
Oh, I know that slant.
You know every slant.
So why don't you let my daughter
finish her one kissing
story of the year?
Thank you, Ma.
My pleasure, meal ticket.
It was at that
point that I realized
his head was coming toward me.
Were his eyes open
or closed? Open.
(BOTH SQUEALING)
And then he landed.
I thought, "Oh, Mr. Gordon!
"Oh, if only Cynthia
Costello was here to see this."
(GASPING) Kinky.
I don't wanna hear
any more of this.
I don't like you being taken advantage
of by some guy from out of town.
At least, when Blanche
does it, it's good for tourism.
Then you're really not
mad at me anymore?
Rose, I'm a reasonable
person. I forgive you.
Does that mean you'll
turn my heat back on?
I was really chilly last night.
Okay, Rose.
Blanche, what made you
decide to forgive Rose?
Because I'm reasonable
and kind and considerate,
and I'm back in the game.
I have a date tonight
with a young man
I met in the produce
department at the market.
I showed him how
to thump a melon.
There's a euphemism
we haven't heard before.
I realized something.
Just because every man
in my life thinks I'm a lesbian
doesn't mean there aren't
thousands and hundreds
and millions of men
out there who don't.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
That must be my melon man.
Zorro rides again.
Chuck! Thumper!
Not exactly a
Disney movie, is it?
Oh, Chuck, this is
my roommate Rose,
and this is my roommate
Dorothy and her mama, Sophia.
Oh, yes, I recognize
them from TV.
You... You saw the show?
Yes, I did.
Blanche, it was one of the
things that attracted me to you.
Oh, well, you don't understand.
No, I do understand, Blanche.
I understand that
you're this way
because you've probably
never been with a real man.
Dorothy, do I wet
myself or laugh?
All you need is to be loved
by someone who knows how.
Someone who will take his time
and then show you passion
beyond your wildest dreams.
Dorothy, it's over between us.
Blanche!
Dorothy, now
don't try to stop me.
Don't you see I
have to try this?
Oh, all right, Blanche.
I... I understand.
You're a good sport.
You just take care of her.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Malcolm.
Dorothy, I hope you
don't mind me dropping by,
but, well, I got an advance
copy of the book review,
and I thought you'd like
to see our article in print.
Are you kidding?
Oh, let me read it.
"'Nineteenth Century Writers
Living in the Twentieth Century'
"by Malcolm Gordon."
I see you used my title.
Oh, yes.
Read on, read on.
Dorothy, is something wrong?
Well, this is exactly the
same article that I gave you.
Well, it didn't
need a lot of work.
I... I didn't have to add much.
I notice you didn't
add my name to it.
Well, no, no, not this
time, but... but next time.
What makes you think
there'll be a next time?
Well, Dorothy, I did
rewrite your article,
but, well, they asked for a lot of
changes in just a few short hours.
So, I... I submitted
your pages and...
Well, I was just too embarrassed
to tell them that it was your work,
but it won't happen
again, I promise.
No, it won't.
Goodbye, Mr. Gordon.
(CHUCKLING) Malcolm.
Sorry.
So am I.
What's wrong, Dorothy?
Ma, you were right again.
He was just using me.
Sit down, pussycat.
I wanna tell you something.
You give too much, and when
you do that, you're gonna get hurt.
I know.
Oh, but I was so disappointed.
For 40 years, I've
had this fantasy
that Mr. Gordon would come
swooping into my life like Sir Lancelot.
Now I don't even have that.
You can keep the fantasy alive.
It's part of life.
You know what I call my pillow?
Sal.
Sometimes I hug it. Sometimes
it lays there like a big lump,
just like your father.
That's how I keep him alive.
That's lovely, Ma.
You know what I
call my other pillow?
Dino.
But that's another story.
I'll tell you about it when
you're, oh, about 70.
I'll be here.
So will I, pussycat. So will I.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Yes?
Hi, I... I don't know if you
remember me. My name is Pat.
I was on Wake-Up!
Miami with you last week.
Oh, yes, yes, of course.
What can I do for you?
I heard about you and Blanche.
I'm sorry. It's too soon.
Too soon.