The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 7, Episode 13 - Old Boyfriends - full transcript

A man from St. Olaf visits claiming he dated Rose when they were teenagers, but she doesn't remember him as one of the many boyfriends she had in her youth.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidant

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see

♪ The biggest gift
would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪

Sophia, listen,
how about this one?



"Elderly white male with broken
hip seeks elderly white female.

"I am into massages, bran
muffins and the book Final Exit.

"Please respond quickly,
or I'll do it. I swear I will."

Too much pressure. Moving on.

Okay, here's another good one.

"Recent widower seeks widow.

"I am handsome, intelligent,
and possess great style.

"I am also incontinent but
have learned to laugh about it."

Well, that's a keeper.

What is going on here?

I'm looking through the
personals to find myself a man.

Remember what that is, Dorothy?

It's an animal, kind of like a
woman, except that it's got a...

Ma!



I know what a man is,

but I tell you, I would never look
for one through the personals.

And you know why?

Because I have standards.

I have intelligence.
I have class.

And you know what else I have?

It's not self-awareness.
That's for damn sure.

Hey, listen to this.

"Older gentleman
seeks lady of refinement.

"I like moonlit nights,
romantic Italian dinners

"and waking up in the morning.

"If you're old enough to
remember when Sinatra was skinny,

"please send letter and photo."

This is the one. He's perfect.

I found myself a man.

I just got a call from
Thor Anderson in St. Olaf.

He's going to be
in Miami next week,

and we're getting together for
dinner and to talk about old times.

So?

I don't know a Thor
Anderson in St. Olaf.

But he certainly knew me.

Boy, it's finally
beginning to happen.

I'm getting old and
forgetting things,

forgetting people who, at
one time, were important to me.

Don't be ridiculous. You're as
mentally fit as you ever were.

We all are.

Oh, thank you...

Sophia. Sophia.

You're welcome... Rose. Rose.

Any wonder we get
nursing-home brochures

by the truckload?

The guy from the ad
will be here any second.

How do I look?

Ma, you forgot to
zip up your dress.

I didn't forget. He's
probably got arthritis.

Why make it any harder?

(DOORBELL RINGING)

That's him.

All right, now, Sophia,
remember, honey, play hard to get.

It drives a man crazy.

Yeah, read that
somewhere, did you?

Play hard to get.
Play hard to get.

Play hard to get.

Take me here. Take me now.

I'm sorry. I'm looking for
Rose Nylund. I'm an old...

(STAMMERING)

Rose, it's me, Thor.

Thor? Thor Anderson!

I can't believe it.

Everybody, this is...
This is Thor Anderson.

DOROTHY: How do
you do? Hi. Hi, everybody.

Rose and I used to date
one another back home.

Oh, we had some pretty
wild times, didn't we, Rose?

(CHUCKLING)

Did we ever!

Listen, why don't I go get
things settled at my hotel,

then I'll come pick you
up, and we'll go to dinner?

Oh, we got a lot of
catching up to do.

(CHUCKLING)

Do we ever!

(LAUGHING)

Great. I'll be back soon.

I haven't the slightest
idea who that man is.

Rose, what is wrong with you?

I mean, why didn't you just tell
him that you don't know who he is?

And hurt an old friend?

Boy, Dorothy, no
wonder nobody likes you.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

I'm sorry, but I
already know Jesus.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

I'm afraid there's
been a mistake.

We're here to see
Sophia Petrillo.

Oh, won't you come in?

Are you Marvin from the ad?

Yes, he is. And are you Sophia?

Well, he doesn't
look like he'll kill me.

Yeah, I'm Sophia,

and only one little
question remains.

Who the hell are you?

I'm Sarah, Marvin's sister.

Marvin, don't you have
something for Sophia?

Here.

Hey, it talks.

Oh, Marvin is just a little shy.

He'll warm up and be more
talkative when we go to dinner.

What do you mean, "we"?

Well, Marvin's eyes
aren't what they used to be,

and he's not allowed to drive,

so he asked me if I would.

I hope you don't mind.

Marvin wants so much to
make a good impression.

What do you say?

No visible means
of life support.

I like that in a man.

Let's roll.

(DOOR CLOSING)

You know, I always hoped my
mother would meet a nice couple.

Blanche, you simply
have to help me.

I've been out with
Thor twice now,

and I still can't
remember who he is,

and he's coming
here for dinner tonight.

Oh, Blanche, please eat with us.

You can ask questions I can't.

Oh, all right, fine,

but I still don't understand why
you cannot remember this man.

He says you seriously dated.

I mean, how many boyfriends
could a naive farmer's daughter

possibly have had?

Two? Three?

Well, it depends. What's
your definition of a boyfriend?

Any man you bring to a fevered
pitch of uncontrollable ecstasy.

Oh.

Fifty-six.

Excuse me?

I had about 56 boyfriends.

Of course, that was
before I knew Charlie.

I probably would have had more,

but I wasn't allowed to start
dating until I was a senior.

Fifty-six? Fifty-six?

Oh, God, stand back.
She's gonna blow!

What do you mean
you had 56 boyfriends?

You told me you were a
virgin till you got married.

Hey, you can have a boyfriend

without having
to go all the way.

You cannot!

If that were true, Rose, that
would mean you were a slut.

Oh, come on, Blanche,
how can you say that?

So the woman had 56
boyfriends in one year.

She's not a slut.

Thank you, Dorothy.
She is the slut.

She's the Grand
Pooh-Bah of Slutdom.

She's the easiest
woman in this room.

Dorothy Zbornak,
you take that back.

The slut is dead.
Long live the slut.

Okay, listen up.

I've got man trouble, and I need
advice from someone with experience.

I'll be happy to help. I
hear you're a tramp, Rose.

Mama was right.
Word gets around fast.

You know, I've
been dating this guy

for a couple of days,
and I really like him.

Oh, Ma! Honey, that's wonderful.

Girls, isn't that great?

I'm the biggest slut.

Sophia, don't you think
you might be rushing things?

Please! The man is 86.

Right now, it's a
race between me

and the blood clot in his
leg to see who gets him first.

So what's the problem?

His sister. It's weird.

We can't do
anything without her.

I haven't been
alone with him yet.

You know how hard it
is to make out with a guy

when his sister's
sitting next to you?

Boy, do I ever. Boy, do I ever.

Now, you stop that.
You just stop that.

Listen, Ma, I have an idea.

Why don't I go and pick
up Marvin, bring him here,

and that way, the two
of you can be alone?

And Blanche and Thor
and I will be out on the lanai,

so you'll have the living
room all to yourselves.

You're all willing to do this?

Well, of course.

Now, come on, let's go pick
out the teeth you'll wear tonight.

Oh, Thor, you
sound like you were

quite a pistol back
in high school.

Well... I'll bet you
had a nickname.

I sure did.

Tell her what it was, Rose.

(LAUGHING)

No, it was your
nickname. You tell her.

Oh. Okay, it was Skipper.

Why Skipper? 'Cause
you liked boats?

No, I liked to skip.

I got beat up a lot as a child.

Um, well, were you
and Rose really serious?

Oh, you bet.

In fact, Rose Lindstrom
gave me my first real kiss.

I'll never forget that.
Remember, Rose?

Do I remember?

Would anybody like
some more wine?

No, no, no. No more for me.

In fact, I have to visit
the little boys' room.

I'll be right back.

Blanche, that's it.

Now I remember who he is. Who?

Thor Anderson was the boy

who took me to the Valentine's
dance my senior year.

I asked Thor to take me
just to make Charlie jealous.

Oh, I feel awful. I used Thor.

You say that like
it's somethin' bad.

Blanche, this is serious.

I mean, he thinks I
cared for him, and I didn't.

Oh, Thor, I have a
confession to make.

No, Rose, I have a
confession to make.

Please.

It has taken me nine years,

ever since I heard
Charlie passed away,

to get up the nerve to say this,

nine years to build
up the courage

to tell you how I feel,

nine years to save enough
money for the bus fare to Miami.

I love you, Rose.
I've always loved you.

I've waited a long time for you,

and I've finally come to
take you back home with me.

Now, what's your confession?

My roommate doesn't
wear underwear.

I just want you to know, Marvin,

since this is our fourth date,

I wouldn't blame you if
you tried to steal a little kiss.

That's because you're
very understanding.

Maybe I'm being a
little too subtle here.

Give me your hand, Marvin.

Now, what do you feel?

A MedicAlert tag?

It's my heart. Can't
you feel it pounding?

Would anyone here care for
an... Get out! Get out! Get out!

You know, Sophia, we
shouldn't be doing this.

Sarah's gonna be
here any minute...

Look, Marvin, I know
you two are very close,

but frankly, she's starting
to get on my nerves.

Sophia, you mustn't
speak about Sarah like that.

Oh, wake up, Marvin.

The woman's a control freak.
It's time you got rid of her.

No, don't say that.

She has no right to run your
life. She's only your sister.

She's not my
sister. She's my wife.

Dorothy, you can come in now.

I thought the two of you would
like some nice, cool lemonade.

Marvin is married to Sarah.

You don't get any lemonade.

I didn't mean to just blurt
it out, but I can explain,

and I know you and your daughter

must have a lot of questions.

You bet we do.

And by the way, Dorothy's not my
daughter. She's my lesbian lover.

Ma.

See, Marvin? How do you like it?

Not a pretty picture, is it?

Marvin, what the
hell is going on here?

Isn't it obvious?

They put an ad in
the magazine to lure

an unsuspecting cutie like
me into their web of sex games.

They want me to
be their love slave.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Hi, I've come to
pick up my brother.

Well, if it isn't Mrs. Caligula.

Come on in and pull up a whip.

You two have a lot
of explaining to do.

I'm sorry, Sarah.

I told them we're married.

Oh, dear.

Why did you lie to my mother?

I didn't want to lie.

We were going to tell the truth

as soon as we were sure that
Sophia was the one we wanted.

Then it is true!

You wanted my
mother for sex games.

Oh, God, this is
so unbelievable.

It's not that unbelievable.

Sophia, the truth
of the matter is

I'm dying.

My doctors say I have
very few months left,

and I told Marvin that I
won't be able to rest in peace

unless I know that
he has someone else.

That's where you
come in, Sophia.

I want you to take my place.

Again, we're sorry for
springing this on you.

I know it came as quite a shock.

Our hearts go
out to both of you,

and as soon as Ma and I have
talked, we'll get back to you.

So you'll seriously
consider this?

Well, of course, we will.

How could we not?

What a pair of loons!

Ma, this does it.

No more of this
manhunt nonsense.

I'm getting you a plant.

What a night. Tell me about it.

Sarah isn't Marvin's
sister. She's his wife.

She's dying, and she
wants Ma to replace her.

I mean, this is why she's
been on all their dates

and asked so many questions.

Ever since she found
out what her prognosis is,

well, she and Marvin have
been searching desperately

to find a replacement.

And the replacement? My mother.

Sophia, I know how
much you liked Marvin.

Honey, I'm so sorry
it didn't work out.

I'm gonna do it.

Oh, come on, Ma,
you can't be serious.

Sarah is dying. It's terrible,
but I can't change that,

and I... I really
care for Marvin.

And if we can all be happy
together and not be alone,

what's wrong with that?

(DOORBELL RINGING)

That's Thor. Blanche,
would you mind?

We're going to need our privacy.

Now, Rose, that's not fair.

I want to see you dump him.

Well, I let you watch when
I broke up with my last guy.

No, you didn't.

Oh, really? Well, I
have it on videotape.

Would you like to see it?

Get out.

Rose, you sounded so
strange on the phone.

Is something wrong? Tell me.

Well, why don't
we sit down first?

Oh, boy, you and me
snuggling on a couch,

brings back a lot of
memories, doesn't it?

Actually, no.

That's what I want
to talk to you about.

Thor, ever since you got here,

you've been talking about
things we did and things we said,

and I don't remember any of it.

So you don't remember
every little detail.

At least, you remember
what's important.

You remember the
kiss, our first kiss.

Well... This doesn't
make any sense.

Rose, maybe you don't remember

because you've suffered
some brain damage.

(BLANCHE LAUGHING)

Thor, the one thing I
do remember is that

I only went out with you
because of Charlie Nylund.

I used you to make
Charlie jealous.

It was Charlie I loved, not you.

Oh, I...

I feel so stupid,
so incredibly stupid.

Do you know what it's
like to feel this stupid?

(BLANCHE LAUGHING)

BLANCHE: Ow!

Well, I probably should go now.

I've bothered you enough.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Thor.

I'm sorry I don't remember.

Me, too.

Rose? What?

Maybe that'll last
me another 40 years.

It was the haystack. What?

Our first kiss.

It was at night, and
the air was crisp.

You were wearing a blue
and white striped shirt,

and we were in a haystack.

Yes! Yes, that's it!

But you said you
couldn't remember.

Well, I guess I just
needed a little help.

(SIGHING)

Thank you, Rose. Thank you.

You don't know what
that means to me.

Rose, you remembered.

A kiss unlocked your memory.

One doesn't forget
a kiss like that.

Oh, that's so romantic.

No, it isn't.

That man didn't know
how to kiss 40 years ago,

and he doesn't know
how to kiss today.

Now that we've finalized
our little arrangement,

I'd like to propose a toast.

To Sophia, whose generosity
and kindness of spirit

have given us a
gift beyond measure.

I, too, have a toast.

I predict nothing but
disaster and tragedy

for everyone connected
with this travesty of an idea.

She's not gonna be
living with us, is she?

Marvin, I hope you're not boring
Sophia with all those photos.

Oh, he's not. I'm enjoying it.

Here's one taken
when we first met.

Oh, Sarah, tell them the story.

Oh, they don't
want to hear that.

Sure we do.

Well, when I was 19, I
answered the door one day

to find the most handsome
man I'd ever seen.

He was selling encyclopedias.

And I told him,

"Right now, I can only
afford to buy volume one,

"but if you could come back next
week, maybe I could buy more."

So for the very next
year, he came every week,

and I would buy
one volume at a time

until I realized that I had
three sets of encyclopedia

and I'd go broke
unless I married him.

(LAUGHING)

Well, now, where
were we? Uh... Oh, yes.

I feel a lot better now that
we've got everything settled,

so I think we ought
to go over all my...

I can't do it.

I can't go through with this.

Ma, what's wrong?

Sophia, what are
you talking about?

This just isn't gonna work.

I was doing this
because I wanted to help,

because I know
what it's like to lose

the most important
person in your life,

but this isn't right.

Look, Marvin, I like you,

but I saw how you looked
at Sarah a moment ago.

I don't think you could
ever look at me that way.

Do you realize how
hard it was to find you?

Do you realize how
much time we've wasted?

The only time you're wasting

is the time that you and Marvin
should be spending together.

You don't know what
you're talking about.

This is what Marvin wants.

No, it isn't. Dorothy's
right. What?

I never wanted this.

I only went along because
it meant so much to you.

Well, I only did it
to make you happy.

Sarah, dear, can't we just
be together, the two of us?

I feel so guilty
for leaving you.

Don't.

I'll be along soon enough.

Ma, come on.

(SIGHING)

I guess we've all learned
something from this.

Yeah, you can never really
replace someone you've lost,

and the next time
I answer an ad,

it'll be from one of
Blanche's magazines.

Those people know
what they want.

"Retired clergyman
seeks companion

"for European tour
of ancient cathedrals.

"No prudes."

Circle that. Big star.

Okay, here's another one.

"Recently devastated
man seeks companion.

"Enjoys walks in the
rain, midnight swims

"and skipping"?

What kind of a jerk would
go out with a guy like that?

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