The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 6, Episode 21 - Witness - full transcript

As Rose moves on with her life, Miles' sudden return complicates matters with her new boyfriend, Karl. Meanwhile, Sophia loses her glasses and Blanche makes a shocking discovery while tracing her heritage for the Daughters of the Old South.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

Well, I'm off.

That would be my diagnosis.

No, I mean I'm going out.

Ma, put down the
binoculars. No, I need them.

I lost my glasses, and I'm not
supposed to drive without them.

Let's analyze this for a moment.

You're now what,
about 200 years old?


You have no license.
You're not allowed to drive.


Dorothy, good, I'm
glad you're here.

I want you to help me
go through these papers.

They're to authenticate
my family tree. Oh.

Tomorrow I have
to present it out loud

at the "Daughters of the
Old South" initiation banquet.

You're not really gonna go
through with this, are you?

Well, indeed I am.

This club is a link to the
proudest of all heritages.

I remember,
growin' up in Atlanta,

how us girls used to pretend
to be Confederate belles,

and we'd receive
gentleman callers.

Got to be like a competition.

In fact, I once received
seven callers in one evening.

I'm just thinking out loud,

but isn't Atlanta where the
Center for Disease Control is?


Hey, these are all right.

When I look through them
backwards, you actually look demure.

Ma, get new glasses,
all right? (doorbell rings)

Why must you always make
such a big deal out of everything?

Who's making a big deal out of it?
I'm not making a big deal out of it.

Hi! Hi, Barbara.

We got a call at the police
station about lost glasses.

You got my message. How
many men you got on this?

Well, none really.

I did check, and nobody
reported any lost glasses.

Not lost. Stolen. I
want cops on this.

Big, burly,
steroid-crazed cops. Oh.


Oh, fine, get one
for Blanche, too.

Throw it on my tab.

As long as I'm
here, I should tell you

there's been complaints from the
neighbors about the noise at night.

Which neighbors? Well, me.

Which noise? Well, you.

Well, get earmuffs.
I pay my taxes.

Ah, Rose, another date
with Karl tonight, huh?

You must really like this guy.

I do. Karl is sweet,
and he's supportive.

He understands that I
still have feelings for Miles.

Rose, Miles is in the
Witness Relocation Program.

You're not supposed to
be telling people about him.

I didn't tell him Miles ratted on a
gangster named The Cheeseman.

He just knows there's
somebody I can't see anymore.

Oh, Karl is quite a guy.

Lately I've been dreaming
about him at night, not Miles.

Although I do have one dream
that both Karl and Miles are in.




And Captain Kangaroo.

Oh, and look here, Dorothy.

This is my grandmother
Marcelle Daboval.

Pure Southern, through and
through. Oh, Blanche, I'm sorry.

I just don't like the
idea of this club.

It seems so discriminatory.

There is nothing wrong with
being proud of what you are.

This club celebrates
those individuals

who can prove they come

from 100% Southern
Confederate stock.

And if you can't, then
fiddle-di-doo to you.

Do you have any idea
how much that hurts?

Ladies and gentlemen,
Roy Orbison.

Ma, where did you
get those glasses?

They're an old pair of Pop's, but at
least they've got prescription lenses.

You can't possibly
see through them.

Take them off before
you hurt yourself.

No, they're great.
I see just fine.

Who's the black guy?

I'm about done with this
side of the family tree.

I think you have the papers
there from the Roquet marriage.

Yeah, wait a minute.
Oh, yeah, here. Mm-hmm.

Walker Roquet married
Rosalyn Roquet, 1861.

Rosalyn was fro-Uh-oh. What?

I hate telling you
this, Blanche...

No, that's not true.

I look forward to
telling you this, Blanche.

The woman your
great-grandfather married

was born, well,
outside of Georgia.

How far outside of Georgia?


You're a Yankee, Blanche.
Well, no, this can't be.

A Yankee Doodle.

There must be some mistake.

You are that Yankee Doodle gal.

Let me see the certificate.

I want to see with
my own eyes that my

was... that thing you said.

A Yankee. Right.

A Yankee Doodle. Oh, stop it.

Oh, my God.

Oh, did I mention her
last name was Feldman?

Aw, no. Oh, no, no, no.

No, it can't be. I
can't be Jewish.

I'll be damned.

The black guy is prejudiced.

This information will have
no bearing on my getting into

the "Daughters of the
Old South." I'll just lie.

Oh, Blanche, this is ridiculous.

Why should you have to lie?
You're only one-eighth Yankee.

That's right. I'm seven-eighths'
Southern. That's more than enough.

And if they don't let you in,
instead of saying "fiddle-di-doo,"

well, you can
always switch to...

♪ Deedle didle deedle dum ♪

Thanks for a
lovely evening, Karl.

Rose, I've got an idea.

What do you say we go
away for the weekend?

Karl, I'm not sure I'm ready to.

It's because of this
Miles guy, right?

I don't want to push you, but I just
wish I knew what I was up against.

I mean, who is this
guy? What did he do?

Where is he now?

I wish I could tell you,

but I really don't know
anything about him anymore.

When I knew him, he was a professor
at a college. That's hard to believe.

It's one of the few places
they have professors.

No. Yeah. No, I know that.

I meant... I can't believe
he left someone like you.

He left someone else like me?

No. I mean you.

That he left you.



I should be more clear.

That'd be great.

Listen, check with me
later about the weekend.

I just want to be sure I'm
ready, and that it's right.

I'll give you a ring. I
can't accept jewelry.

I mean, I'll call you soon.

I mean, I'll call
you, Rose, soon...

and the phone will ring.

Oh, he really understands me.

Rose. Rose, it's me.


I beg your pardon.

I'm sure Blanche
will be out any minute.

No, Rose, Rose, it's me.


I've come back,
Rose. I had to see you.

But you've changed.

Well, I'm Amish, Rose.

That's my new identity in the
Witness Protection Program.

See, I'm an Amish man.
I live on an Amish farm.

I carry wood, I dig
holes and I milk things.

And to be frank... it sucks.

I've missed you, Rose. Oh,
I've missed you, too, Miles.

No, no, Rose. My
name is now Samuel.

Samuel Plankmaker.

Isn't it dangerous
for you to be here?

You might have been followed.

Oh, no, I took all
kinds of precautions.

I even switched
buggies on the way over.

Rose, of course, you
can't tell a soul who I am.

Oh, don't worry. Your
secret is safe with me.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Boy, you find out you're
a Jew with a dilemma,

and these rabbis just
come out of the woodwork.

Rose, who is this?

This is... This is a friend.

His name is Samuel.
Samuel Plankmaker.

Samuel, these are my roommates.

Girls, you know Miles. Samuel!

Shoot! Sorry.

Well, I'm sorry, ladies.

It's me. I was hoping
to play a trick on you.

Silly Rabbi,
tricks are for kids.

Look, ladies, I know it's a lot to
ask, but I just had to see Rose.

I can't risk leaving,
at least not tonight.

I need to stay
here, if you'll let me.

Come on, Plankmaker.
I'll fix up a room for you.

Thank you.

I just want to go on record
as saying I am against this.

That Cheeseman character
could be following Miles,

and there's no telling what he
would do to me for information.

Blanche, you are
really so self-centered.

In the first place, no
gangster is going to come here.

And secondly, Blanche,
this is important to Rose.

Aren't you interested
in Rose's happiness?

Happiness? I'm
supposed to be happy?

Just when I was
getting on with my life,

Miles shows up, and for a visit.

He can't even stay.

How am I gonna move on?

How is my heart ever
supposed to heal with Miles here?

Do you really think
I'm self-centered?


Come on, ya'll, hurry up.

Excuse me, folks. I've gotta
make a quick phone call.

Rose, would you mind
getting me some punch?

He's gonna be late for
the initiation ceremony.

Oh, take it easy, Feldman.

Hello, Billy Club?
It's me - Moran.

No, Moran The Cheeseman.

Look, I need some fake
ID to get out of the country.

Yeah, I think my
girlfriend's about to blab.


Well, thank you,
Evelyn and Margaret,

for that gripping and
realistic reenactment

of the defeat of General
Burnside's troops at Fredericksburg.


It's hard to believe you couldn't
get federal funding for this.

Mom says "hi."

I'm sorry, what?

Rose, what's going on with you?

You've been
acting strange lately.

Seems like you're
hiding something from me.

Oh, honey, I can't lie
to you. It's just not fair.

I have been hiding
something from you.

I can't tell you where he's
been, but Miles is back.

He's staying with me.

I understand, Rose.

And don't worry
about your secret.

It won't go any further than me.

Now it's time to meet
our new applicants

and hear their
lineage presentations.

So let us begin with
Mrs. Louise Blakely.

Blanche, there is
still time to back out.

Do you really think you can go
up there and betray your heritage?

Dorothy, I belong in this club.

Why, I'm just as Southern as
the fruit of a scuppernong arbor

growing proudly by
the lazy Mississippi.

Lawdy, Lawdy,
are you full of it.

Who married my Great
Aunt Annalou Sellers,

cousin to Claude Livaudais,

who begat Elizabeth Blasingame.

Wait a minute. Did you
say Claude Livaudais?


My great-grandfather
told stories

of Claude Livaudais.

He once sold horseshoes
to a Union soldier.


No, no, I can explain.

Fie. Traitor.

Oy vey.

Well, that was a close one.

We now call Blanche Devereaux.

Dorothy, I can't see a thing.
What's happening now?

The Harlem Globetrotters
just took the court.

Hello, ladies. I want to thank
you for making time for me.

But I wonder if, instead
of reading my family tree,

if I couldn't just
say a few words

about what the
South means to me.

Oh, no. We need
your family tree.

I see. OK.

Well, I am Blanche Devereaux,

nee Hollingsworth, of Atlanta,

daughter of Curtis Hollingsworth

and Samantha Roquet

of Augusta and
Shreveport, daughter of -

I can't do it. I...
Daughter of Feldman.

I'm a Feldman, damn it.

Of Buffalo. (all gasp)

Oh, ladies, now,
please, I beg of you.

Let us put aside our ancient
prejudices and change these rules.

Oh, ladies, let my people in.

No. Next up, we
have a lady actually...

I would like to say something
else, if you don't mind.

Please let me in. No!

Next up - That wasn't
what I was going to say.

Yes, I am a Yankee, but
hath not a Yankee eyes?

Hath not a Yankee hands?

If you prick us,
do we not bleed?

If you tickle us,
do we not laugh?

Sometimes all
night. I've heard her.

My point is, I am made
up of many ingredients,

but perhaps that
is what gives me

my uniquely American flavor.

Yes, for I am an
American, and I'm leavin'.

I don't need your lousy
club to make me feel special.

Oh, please? (all) No!

Oh, you lost the
war. Get over it.

Let's go.

Oh, honey, I hope
you're not too upset

about not fitting in with
those dreadful people today.

Those small-minded peckerwoods
aren't real Southerners.

I am a real Southerner.

Real Southerners are
compassionate people.

They're wise and gentle, and
they sit around on porch swings,

regaling with stories of
Abraham and Moses...

and all the other people
who worked on the plantation.

Well, I sent Karl home.

Now I just have
to talk to Miles.

Talk to Miles? You seeing
somebody else, Rose?

Ah, I can explain.
No, I understand.

Oh, Rose, of
course, you're dating.

That's why I've
come to a decision.

I'm going to Washington,
talk to the Bureau.

I am leaving the Witness
Protection Program.

I just know I need
to be with you.

But the Cheeseman
is looking for you.

Rose, don't worry.

So, hope I'm not
interrupting anything.

Oh, my God! You!
How did you find me?

Time to say goodbye, buddy boy.

Karl, Miles, as
flattering as this is, I...

I don't want you
fighting over me.

What? Karl? Is this the
man you've been seeing?

Uh-huh. But don't worry.
He's just a little jealous.

Got some bad news,
Rose. It's not you he's after.

He's using you to get to me.

This is the Cheeseman. Oh! My -

I'll have to figure out
what to do with you.

Wait a minute. You can't come into
this house waving that gun around.

Although it is a very nice one.

What is this, a Colt?

Oh, I knew all along it was a
bad idea to let Miles stay here.

I'm too young to be struck
down by a madman's bullet.

I've gotta find
some way out of this.

(doorbell rings) I'll get it.

No one moves... and
no one makes a sound.

We all stand still
until they leave.

Don't make a move, old lady.

Nice way to talk to
your mother, Pussycat.

Who is it? Put
these on and find out.

My glasses. Where
did you find them?

I'm afraid Dreyfuss was the
culprit. He got them off the lanai.

You should really keep that gate
closed. Anybody could get in here.

It's great. I can
finally see again.

Hey, it's the Cheeseman.

Come on, get in
here, both of ya.

Sophia, you recognize
Karl as the Cheeseman?

You don't? The man's been on
America's Most Wanted at least six times.

The last episode was
the highest rated ever.


That must be a good feeling.

Well, it's kind of an

I hate to interrupt you,
but I have some bad news.

It's all over. That's
right, you're busted.

Barbara's a cop.

In a dress, without a gun.

So, basically, what you have
here is a crossing-guard thing.

All right, all you gals are
gonna get locked up in a closet,

and us boys are
going for a little walk.

Wow. Were you
ever activities director

of a place called Shady Pines?

We got a lot of old business
to discuss, mi amigo.

An awful lot.

Isn't there anything
you can do, Barbara?

I suppose I could do this.

All right, Cheeseman,
you're under arrest.

You told us you didn't
have a gun. You lied.

To a bad guy. It's
OK to lie to a bad guy.

You see that?

There's so many things we,
as the public, don't understand.

I'm gonna take this creep out
front and read him his rights.

Somebody call the station
and tell 'em to get here,

and I need
handcuffs, right away.

Oh. Oh, OK, you can borrow mine.

But please be careful
with them. They're a gift.

Ma, why don't we make that
phone call from the kitchen?

Rose... Rose, it's
over. I'm a free man.

I can be with you now, if
that's still what you want.

Oh, that's all I've ever wanted.

But you have to promise
me never to leave me again.

Well, sweetheart, I might
have to for a little while.

Back on my farm in Pennsylvania,

I still have an order
in for 13 windmills.

Oh, screw 'em. What
are they gonna do, phone?