The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 6, Episode 16 - There Goes the Bride: Part 1 - full transcript

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

Checkmate. Checkmate?

I thought we were
playing Yahtzee.



OK, that's a do-over. No, that is
not a do-over. You do this every time.

Last time you thought
it was checkers,

before that it was Battleship,

and twice you yelled
out "snake eyes!"

No, that was for you.
It was a mascara note.

Anyway, I can get out of this. The
game's not over till the fat lady sings.

♪ I'm singing in the rain ♪

Hi, girls.

You're in a good mood, Rose.

Is someone expecting
her "special visitor" tonight?

Oh, don't be silly, Blanche.

I haven't had my
"special visitor" in years.

Neither have I. It's amazing, when you
live with women, you get on the same cycle.

I am talking about
your date, Rose.



Who is this secret
man you're seeing?

Oh, it's not a secret. His name's
Ray. He's a friend of Miles'.

You are dating a friend
of Miles'? You scallywag!

You skunkweed!

What's that mean?

I don't know. What
does yours mean?

Girls, Ray and I aren't dating.

Miles is in Europe
with some students,

and I needed an escort for the
Children's Hospital fund-raiser.

Miles suggested I take
Ray. As a friend, that's all.

You're missing a
prime opportunity.

Dating a boyfriend's
friend is exciting.

Take it from me. I
wrote the book on dating.

Really? What's it called?

It doesn't have
a title, you twit.

Hi... Oh, sorry.
Well, good night.

Oh, you going to bed already?

What's terrible about
going right to bed?

Hey, Blanche, that's a
great title for your book!

Rose told us about
this secret date.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Rose has something called a
"date," Dorothy. How can I explain this?

Remember when you went to a
restaurant and a man pulled out your chair?

Well, if that had been a date,
he would have warned you first.

I thought you were
going out with Stan.

I am. I am. See you later.

Oh, Blanche, favor?

Oh, Dorothy, come on. This has
been going on for months now.

"I have a date with Stan.
Can I borrow your bike?"

He can't pick me up or my mother'll
hear the car. You think I'm proud of this?

Go on, honey, take
the bike. Thank you.

Dorothy? I'm just
going around the block.

Dorothy! Oh, God.

I hate what this
does to my hair.

What's the matter, honey? Did
you have a bad time with Ray?

It wasn't Ray.
His ex-wife, Myra,

ran into the Chowderhead's, where we
were eating, and started yelling at me.

Then she grabbed a lobster out of
the tank and forced me out of the booth.

How is the lobster
at Chowderhead's?

Scary. So I don't
know what to do.

I tried to convince Myra that he's
just a friend, but she wouldn't listen.

She won't accept the
divorce. I feel threatened.

Oh, please, that's no
threat. Where I come from,

when someone wanted to make a point,
they'd tie a string around your finger.

Well, come to think of it, it
wasn't a string, it was a piano wire.

Actually, it wasn't your
finger, it was your neck.

Anyway, it was very
popular. In fact, piano wire

was our village's
second biggest export.

You know what our biggest
export was? (both) No.

Too bad. I don't
remember either.

My God, I've left brain cells
all over the Eastern Seaboard.

Psst. Psst. Where's Ma?

Who? Ma. Where's Ma?

In the cemetery in St. Olaf.

Why do you want to know?

Because I thought we'd all go out
and toilet paper the Westons' house.

My Ma!

Don't worry, she's
gone to bed already.

Well, did you have
a good time tonight?

Oh, it was wonderful.

Oh, girls, I cannot tell you

how nice it is to
be with Stan lately.

He's fun and
attentive and sweet.

Oh, even in the
bedroom, he's just...

Well, he's really brought new
meaning to the word "solicitous."

(Rose giggles)

What was the old meaning again?

Dorothy, do you love him?

Well, what does
that mean, Blanche?

He was my husband, he
was the father of my children.

Of course I have
feelings for him.

Uh-huh. Well, what are they?

Love.

I guess I love him.
Oh, I can't believe it.

Of course I don't love
the fact that he still

keeps his toupee
in the lettuce crisper.

But it does look fresher,
and you deal with it.

Dorothy, if you do love
him, tell your mother.

She's gonna find out. Don't you
think it's better coming from you?

Oh, I guess so. That's
settled. Now let's get a move on.

Where you going? To get the
toilet paper for the Westons' house.

But remember, we
have to be really quiet.

Dreyfuss will bark at anything,
and Barbara carries a gun.

Oh, what the hell.

I understand, dear,
but we're not dating.

Is that the woman who
threatened you with the lobster?

Why are you talking to her?

She keeps calling.
What should I do?

I'll get you off that phone.

Rose, I've fallen and
can't get up. Help me!

I can't help you right
now. I'm on the phone.

Myra... Myra, please.

Who's on the phone? It's that
woman from the restaurant.

Give me the phone.

So, uh, you're Myra.

Who am I? Some call me Sophia.

Others know me
as "The Terminator."

Of course, these people have
corneas that look like cotton balls.

Maybe I better talk.

Is that right? Well, listen,
Myra, I'm not afraid of you.

I'm from Sicily. You know what the
number one export of our village is?

Ransom notes.

I had a flashback in the can.

She hung up.

She's not so tough
without her lobster.

She must really be nuts
about that ex-husband.

You'd have to be crazy to
want a relationship that badly.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Relationships, Dorothy.
Human relationships.

Remember when that guy
asked you to sleep over? Yes.

If that had been a relationship,
you would've been called a girlfriend

instead of a dogsitter.

Ma. I'm not proud of this, but
there's something I have to show you.

Oh, please. I've
done a lot worse.

I've done panties over pants,

bras over blouses.

One Easter I wore a
shower cap over my bonnet.

No, Ma. I'm going
out tonight.. with Stan.

No. Yes, Ma, I really am.

I believe you. I said no.

Ma, I've been seeing him secretly for
months now, and we're getting close.

I see. So, what can I say?

Will you do me one
favor on your way out?

Will you back over
me with the car?

I knew you'd take it well.

Ma, I am going to
continue seeing Stan,

and there's nothing you can do
to make me feel guilty about it.

Where are you going?

Chest pains.

Ma, it's not going to
work! I don't feel guilty!

Dorothy! Nobody help her.

We all know she's fine. We
all know what she's doing.

God, I hate that woman. Ma!

I have some news. I
told my mother about us.

You're kidding? How did
she take it? Pretty well.

Chest pains?

You remember.

Hey, you don't forget
your wedding day.

Eat your potato.

What? Oh, honey, no. I know it's
a very important vegetable to you,

but I'm really stuffed.

Then stick your finger in it.

Stan, you pig.

Come on. I don't ask
much. Oh, all right.

But we're gonna get you a hobby.

Something hard in here.

It's a... it's a
scalding hot ring!

Oh, Stan. It's beautiful!

And it's for you, Dorothy.
And it's for keeps.

I am through with the single life.
The ski bunnies, the bar scene.

The puka shells. Oh, Stanley,
please say the puka shells.

Well, you're not leaving me a
whole lot of personality room, are you?

All right, the puka shells.

So, what I'm saying is...

will you marry me, Dorothy?

You know, again?

Dorothy, these last few
months have been incredible.

After all the struggling,
we're finally into the good stuff.

Let's share it.

I don't know what to say.

Don't you see?
We belong together.

We're... an artful complement
of individual tastes,

enhanced instead of
concealed by each other.

And served in
our natural juices.

You got that from the menu.

It was the special.

Cajun prime rib.
But I think it applies.

Yes. Yes?

Yes, yes, yes. Stanley, I will
marry you. You know, again.

You've made me so happy. I
feel so lucky. I'm the lucky one.

Dorothy Zbornak is
going to be my wife.

I want to shout it from the rooftops.
I just want to tell the whole world!

Me too!

But not my mother.
But not your mother.

What you doing, Rose?

Myra's been calling me at
work and threatening me,

so I'm fixing a flashlight to
walk out to my car at night.

In case she's planning
on surprising me. Good.

Women should always check their
cars at night before they get in 'em.

Blanche, that's
a wonderful idea.

I was just gonna shine it under
my chin to make myself look scarier.

I am really afraid. I'm
gonna call the police.

Well, that's a good idea,
honey. Better safe than sorry.

Girls, girls, guess what
happened tonight. Give us a hint.

The best thing that
could happen to a woman.

The circus! The
circus is in town!

No, no, Rose.
No. It's about Stan.

Well, I was close.

Stan asked me to marry him.

And?

And I accepted.

Oh! Oh! I don't
know what to say.

Well, I sure as
hell do. Group hug!

Oh, honey! Oh, Dorothy!
The ring! The ring! The ring!

Oh, Dorothy, it's beautiful!

Oh, are those baguettes?

No. They're little
pieces of potato.

He hid the ring in the potato.

Ah!

Honey, if this is what you
want, we couldn't be happier.

Oh, it certainly is.

Oh, well, this is great. And
you know what we're gonna do?

We're gonna have a big shower,

and a beautiful wedding out
on the lanai. It'll be wonderful.

From here on in, I
guess I'm going to have

to get used to calling
you Dorothy Zbornak.

Rose, you've always
called me Dorothy Zbornak.

I know, but I never
really meant it.

So! Another tenants'
meeting I wasn't told about.

What's the topic this time?
How to lose the old lady?

No, Ma, we're past
the old business.

We're into new business.

Ma... Ma, Stan gave
me an engagement ring.

I see. Excuse me.

Ma, that's a microwave!

I know. I want to get this over
with as quickly as possible.

Oh, Ma, I thought
you'd be happy for me.

I mean, Stan has changed. He's
made a commitment. He's matured.

Sophia, he put
the ring in a potato.

You're not helping, Rose.

What happened to the
commitment he made the last time?

This one's different. No,
it's not. He'll hurt you again.

A promise means
nothing to this man.

You'll give the ring
back. That's my final word.

No, excuse me, you'll pawn
the ring. That's my final word.

"To keep Stan warm on those
cold winter nights: a head cozy."

Lois, this is just too much. Where'd
you find such a ridiculous thing?

I make them myself.

And it's the perfect
color for Stan.

You crossed your legs.
You lose another sticker.

Oh, Rose.

Rose, these games of yours
are absolutely ridiculous.

I can't think of anyone with enough control
to keep her legs apart all the time.

More chips?

I just got off the phone. That
stripper you called is on his way over.

Great, I'll start another
game in the meantime.

Everybody, pay
attention. New game.

(all) Ugh!

Oh, this is a St. Olaf favorite.
Everybody puts on a blindfold

and then they choose a partner.

And then they think of a number and
the other person thinks of an object.

And then the bride tags someone
and they call out their number

and then they switch with her,
and so on and so on and so on.

However many switches there are,

that's the number of
children the bride will have.

And the numbers have to add
up and you can collect the objects.

OK, everybody,
put on your blindfold.

Everybody wearing
'em? (all) Yes!

OK, spatula, 11!

Sorry to interrupt. I got a
call from a Mrs. Rose Nylund.

The woman inside
said you'd be here.

My God. You are just perfect!

Now look, that
is her right there.

She doesn't suspect a
thing. You got your handcuffs?

Well, yes. OK, great.

Now look, when I give
you one of these... Hiya!

You go into your
dance. You got it?

Listen, I think there's
been a mistake...

Oh, my goodness,
just look who's here!

Why, we must have the music
up too loud. I'll turn it down.

(♪ stripper)

There's your criminal.

Prosecute her to
the utmost of the law!

Hello!

Blanche!

Oh, can you believe
this? The stripper's here

and we're missing it, all
because of these stupid blindfolds!

OK, Furillo, drop your pants.

It's time for a little
search and seizure.

Touch me again and
you'll go to prison, lady!

Honk, honk!

Blanche! Blanche,
we have company.

This means you're a real cop?

Yes, ma'am.

The name is Devereaux.
Blanche Devereaux.

Whoo!

Sophia, honey, you
really ought to go out

on the lanai. You're
missing quite a shower.

I'm not missing anything. Where I'm from
the marriages are arranged by the parents.

Is that what's bothering you, Sophia?
Nobody asked your permission?

It's the Italian tradition.

What do you think Fiddler
on the Roof was about?

That's a Jewish musical.

What do you mean Jewish?

I remember there was
Enzo Stuarti, Dom DeLuise...

Boy, I've got to stop seeing
these things at dinner theaters.

How's it going out there?

The stripper used to be a cop,

and the cop always
wanted to be a dancer.

Now they're wearing each other's
hats and it's really getting weird.

Ma still won't join
us? She's still upset.

Oh, I cannot believe
that she's this stubborn.

Maybe you ought to take a
different approach with her.

You know, a more
traditional one.

Like? Ah, I don't
know. Like, um...

Set up a meeting and
have Stan ask for your hand.

In an Italian sort of way.

Well, what do you want me to do?
Go in, bow my head and kiss her ring?

Hey, you know something?
That just might work.

I mean, she thinks of
herself as the Godfather.

I'll just make her an offer
that she can't remember.

Sophia, thank you for coming.

I want you to know
how grateful we are

that you are seeing
us at this time.

Did I sit down?
Have I sat down yet?

I'm sorry.

No, I mean, am I this short?

My God, you two
are like redwoods.

So, as is tradition,

I am ready to accept your
various gifts and offerings.

You may begin, Dorothy.

I appreciate your sense of
ritual, Ma, but just so you know,

I still have Shady
Pines on the speed-dial.

Moving on. What
do you want, Stan?

Stan wants to talk to
you about the wedding.

Are you Stan?
Am I talking to you?

I'm Stan, Sophia. Over here.

Oh, sorry. I thought it was like
one of those "am I sitting" questions.

Anyway, Sophia,
it occurred to me

that I never actually asked your
permission to marry your daughter,

and well, I guess in asking her
hand, I'm also asking your hand.

So, what do you say? Will
you be my mother-in-law?

Marrying us both, eh?

So, uh, I suppose one could
say six years ago you left us both.

Of course, that was after you spent
the entire marriage cheating on us both.

The only difference is, you
haven't been forgiven by us both.

So the answer is no.

I don't trust you, Stan.

And where there is no
trust, there is no family.

You marry this man and
we're no longer family.

You do this,

you are out of my life forever.