The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 5, Episode 25 - The President's Coming! The President's Coming! Part 1 - full transcript

All the girls except Dorothy are excited when President George H.W. Bush plans to visit their house on his tour of Miami.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for being a friend"

Pussycat, are you doing
the grocery shopping today?

Yeah. Something you want?

Uh, pick up a couple
of chicken breasts,

and why don't we say 40...

better make that 45
tubes of sunscreen.

Oh, Sophia, I've made
that mistake before.

The best thing to do is
just turn the oven down

if you don't want
the chicken to burn.

Rose, honey,

I don't think my
mother was planning

on using the suntan
lotion on the chicken.

What do you mean, you've
made that mistake before?

President Bush is
coming to dedicate

the new senior citizen"
center down the street.

The motorcade goes
right by here. So?

So all the neighbors on the
block will be out on their lawns.

It'll be a hundred
degrees out there,

and they will need protection.

They can pay me
or fry in the sun.

Oh, Ma, that is a terrible
thing to do to your neighbors.

I'll cut you in for half.
We should also sell visors.

There's a man on our lawn.

Get the net.


Well, hello there.
Anything I can do for you?

At least now she asks.

Good afternoon.
Sorry to bother you.

I'm Agent Bell with
the Secret Service.

Well, won't you come right in?

Thank you, Mrs. Devereaux.

How did you know my name?

I know all your names.

This house has been
under surveillance.

Why are you watching our house?

It's a security measure.

The President wants
to stop at one house

on his way to dedicate
the senior citizens' center.

Why he can't he use the
Arco station like everyone else?

Are you saying Mr. President
George Bush might stop here?

He wants to keep in
touch with the people.

We chose this
house as a possibility

because there are four senior
citizens living under one roof.

Now, a few other houses are
being considered besides this one.

If you don't mind, I'll
start with Mrs. Devereaux.

Fine. We'll just be
waiting in he kitchen.

Not making fun of
the Vice President.

Now that we're alone,
tell me all about yourself.

You first.

I've always been the kind of
person who liked to have fun.

Dorothy, do you realize
it has been four days

since I have enjoyed
the company of a man?

I know, Blanche. I've
been marking the days off

on my Big Ships of
the Navy calendar.

I don't think I can
stand it much longer.

My body feels like a Corvette
up on blocks with its engine racing

and the wheels just
spinning and spinning

with nowhere to go.

I feel like I'm gonna explode.

Dorothy, you have to help
me. You have to do something.

Honey, there's nothing I can do,

so get that look out of your
eye and let go of my hand.

Girls, I am so excited.

I just got a big bonus at work.

(both) Ah!

And guess what I've decided
to do with it. (both) What?

I'm gonna have my
breasts enlarged.

You're not serious, Blanche?

Sure I am. Breasts
are back in fashion.

And what God didn't give
me, Dr. Myron Rosensweig will.

Oh, that man is the
Picasso of plastic surgeons.

Just be sure he doesn't attach
one of them to your forehead.


Oh, Rose, hi.

Listen, I just picked
up these pamphlets

at a cosmetic surgeon,
and I want you to help me

decide which
alterations I'll get.

Blanche, none of these
women have any tops on.

Well, I know, honey.

These are the "after"
pictures of satisfied customers.

I was thinking about having
my breasts done like hers.

All right, Blanche, but do you
think black really suits you?

Here you go, sweetheart.

Dorothy, have you ever heard of
something called dirty-dancing?

Well, of course, Blanche.
They did it in that movie.

What movie? Lawrence
of Arabia, Rose.

This flier that came in the mail

says they're gonna start
a dirty-dancing course

down at Lawson's dance studio.

What do you say, Dorothy?

Oh, no. I can't see
myself swinging my hips

and wildly gyrating my pelvis.

I am not interested.

And the world heaves
a collective sigh of relief.

You just hit that music,
girl, and follow my lead.

(♪ Latin music)
Look into my eyes.


(♪ music ends)

Hi, girls.

This is not what it looks like.

What they do is their business,

but if I ever see your hand
on Rose's behind, it'll kill me.

Wow, what a hunk.

I know. Eat your hearts out.

Blanche, did it
ever occur to you

that possibly Rose or I
might be interested in Jake?


And you still used every cheap ploy
to nab him before we had a chance?

Yes. What do you
have to say for yourself?

Damn, I'm good.

Well, thank you, Mrs. Devereaux.

If the President
decides to come,

this administration
would appreciate it if...

Well, if you didn't hit on him.

I thought everybody'd
like some flugelkaka.

Mrs. Nylund, would you mind
answering a few questions?

As long as it's not math.

Here, honey, why don't
you sit right down here?

He's very nice.

Oh, if you need to know
anything else about me,

um, I have pictures.

So do we.

Now, our records show that you
come from a town called St. Olaf.

You wanna tell me about it?

Mrs. Nylund, are you all right?

It's just that nobody's
ever asked before.


I don't get it. They don't seem
to have anything in common.

I guess it's just like that old saying,
you know - "opposites attract."

Oh, that's very true.

Back in St. Olaf,

Ollie Knutenspringle
and his wife Bridget

were opposites in every way.

I mean, he was
fat, she was thin,

he was neat, she was sloppy,

he was tall, she was short.

He was cheap, she
was extravagant.

He was... Opposites.
We get the picture!

Anyway, I'll never
forget the time

they sang at our
annual talent show,

right after the
herring juggling act.

You mean to tell me that
somebody actually juggled herring?


It was the herring
who did the juggling.

Tiny little Ginsu knives.

Really very dangerous.
I mean, one false move,

they could've
filleted themselves.

I hate you.

Rose, what in hell are
you doing? It is 2am.

I couldn't sleep, so
I decided to get up

and make a batch of
spearhuven krispies.

It's an ancient
Scandinavian midnight snack.

I guess after a night
of pillaging and raping,

a viking wants a little
something to go with his cocoa.

Well, they smell God-awful.

Yeah. Just when
you're about ready

to throw up from the stench,
that's when they're done.

Who wants some?

Rose, if these had been
offered to the Donner Party,

they still would've
eaten each other.

Don't be silly, Dorothy.
They're delicious.

You just have to
know how to eat them.

You hold your
nose with one hand,

and you pop a krispy in
your mouth with the other.

Mm. Mm!

That tastes like cheesecake,

fresh strawberries and
chocolate ice cream.

My gosh, you're right.

That is the best thing
I have ever tasted.

This is delicious. Mm!

Hey, give me a break. You
can't smell that from the hall.

Then there was the
time Hans Erikson

wanted to take
an elk to the prom.

The whole town was
divided on that one.

Pussycat, if you're
writing to your brother Phil,

tell him I said thanks
for the Underoos.

And Spider-Man scared
the hell out of my doctor.

I'm not writing to Phil.

I'm just jotting down some things
that I want to say to the President.

Oh, Dorothy, you're not
gonna make a scene, are you?

Oh, hey, come on.
Give me a little credit.

I mean, it's not like I'm
some kind of hothead.

Please! I'd put you about
even with John McEnroe.

Except McEnroe
knows when to stop.

Come on, Ma. She's right.

Don't you remember the
ti-How could you forget?

Only spare towels I could find.

Put 'em around the bucket
in case the leak spreads.

Wait a minute, Rose.

Is that my Cabana Club
beach towel you have there?

Is it this one with the
naked man and woman

being swept up in the waves?

Yes, that's it. You
can't use this towel.

Blanche, Blanche,
it's an emergency.

We'll replace it next week.

Oh, no, you cannot
replace this towel.

There are too many fond
memories attached to this towel.

Blanche, please. I am in no mood

to hear about the parade of
endless sexual encounters

that you have experienced up
and down the Florida coastline,

with only this towel
between your hot flesh

and the cold, wet sand.

I brought my son Skippy
home from the hospital

in this towel, Dorothy.

You're lying, Blanche.

Damn, you're good.

♪ Happy birthday, boys and girls

♪ Happy birthday to you

Welcome to Mr. Ha
Ha's Hotdog Hacienda.


Isn't this fun?

Dorothy, you haven't even
touched your Mr. Ha Ha dog.

You're right.

There. I touched it.

Now it's the Mr. Ha
Ha birthday roundup.

When I call your name,
please come up on stage.

Robbie Speener!

Please say you didn't do this.

(Mr. Ha Ha) Jeannie Taylor!

Please tell me
you didn't do this.

Dorothy Zbornak!

I just wish you'd
watch yourself, Dorothy,

because we're all pretty
excited about this visit.

Forget it, Rose. If President
Bush steps in this house,

I'm not gonna waste
an opportunity like that.

I'm gonna give him
a piece of my mind.

You try and talk to her.

Dorothy, if the President comes
here, you can't criticize him.

Watch me.

Oh, Dorothy, don't
ever antagonize the man

who could answer the
question, "You and what army?"

What's your gripe with
the President, anyway?

He calls himself the
"education president,"

but our education system
has some serious problems.

I see the illiteracy,
I see dropouts,

I see kids who can't
even find India on a map.

Well, to be fair, Dorothy,
that stumped Columbus too.

And education is just
part of the problem.

I mean, there's
age discrimination,

women's rights... Oh,
Rose... Rose, honey,

now why didn't you tell
us what was going on?

Because you can't
help me find a job.

Because nobody or nothing
can make me young again.

Oh, all right, Rose,

so your life isn't the
same as it used to be.

The rules have changed. But
it's happened before, hasn't it?

I mean, what did you
do after Charlie died?

Buried him.

I mean, what did
you do the next day,

when you had to start
putting your life together?

I couldn't do it! I'd been
a housewife for 32 years.

I totally depended on Charlie.

Yeah, but the point is,

eventually you did
what you had to do.

You took care of yourself.

Sweetheart, you're now in
exactly the same position.

Not exactly.

I'm five years older,

and nobody wants me around.

Oh, honey, we want you around.

We just can't afford to pay you.

Rose. Rose, look at me.

Rose, listen. You are
feeling sorry for yourself.

Sure, you're five years
older. So am I, so is Blanche.

All right, so you have
a few more wrinkles.

So do I, so has Blanche.

All right, you're a little
thicker around the middle.

So is Blanche.

Oh, girls, I am
devastated, just devastated.

Honey, what happened?

I asked my teacher for
help, like you all told me to.

He said the only way I
would get an A on his final

is if I sleep with him. No!

Oh, yes. I just don't
know what to do.

Get it in writing.

Blanche, that is terrible.
I hope you told him off.

Well, first I was so stunned,
I didn't know what to say.

And then I marched
back up to his desk

and I looked him
straight in the eye

and I said, "I'll
think it over."

Blanche, there is
nothing to think over.

What he did is
sexual harassment.

He cannot get away with that.

Nils Felander attempted
to harass me repeatedly.

What do you mean,
he attempted to?

He worked at Lars Erikson's
Drugstore and Tackle Shop.

He was a soda jerk.

Now that I think about
it, he was the town jerk.

Every Saturday afternoon
I'd go in and have a sundae.

Well, Nils would arrange the ice
cream scoops in an obscene way.

I could never prove
it because by the time

I would take it home
to show my father, the...

the evidence had...
(both) Melted. Yes.

To this day, every time I
pass an ice cream parlor

or a tackle shop, I blush.

Well, I just got off the
phone with Washington.

I'm sorry, ladies, but the
President would prefer to visit

a more typical American family.

Typical? We're typical.

I'm the mother, and
I have 2.3 children.

You won't find a more
typical family than that.

Girls, look. How do I look?

Oh, great, Blanche.

Great? Or gorgeous?


Well, what about sexy? Yes.

Enticing? I'll handle this.

Blanche, no woman
ever looked better

than you look right now,

and no one ever will.

Thank you, Dorothy.

Honestly, Rose, sometimes
it's like pulling teeth

to get a little
compliment out of you.

What do you say, girls?
Are you in this with me?

You bet we are, honey.

This is what
friendship is all about -

banding together when
the going gets tough,

sacrificing sleep
and personal comfort,

putting someone else's
need ahead of your own.

It's beautiful.

Let me know how it turns
out in the morning. Good night.

Let's make a pact

that we'll always take
care of each other,

that we'll never desert
each other, no matter what.

You can count on me, honey.

Do you think it's gonna be that
easy getting rid of me, Rose?

That was rhetorical, Rose.

Ah, but what a
comforting thought,

knowing you'll never be alone.

And listen, what the hell?

If we do have to go to a nursing
home, let's all go together.

But what happens when
there's only one of us left?

Don't worry. I can
take care of myself.

Easy, easy. Ma!
That's my best china.

You got it for me when I
got married, you remember?

Who could forget?

I carried it all the
way from Sicily!

And for what? So
you could get divorced.

I should have gotten you
something returnable, like a donkey.

You know, I've eaten through

a lot of great times
on these plates.

Yeah. You know, with Alma here,

I've been thinking a
lot about the two of us.

What do you mean?

The one thing you never
do is treat me like an old lady.

You treat me like a person.

I appreciate that.

You're a good daughter, Dorothy.

Ma, I'm overwhelmed.

I don't know what to say.

I'll tell you what
you could say.

You could say I
don't owe you the $50.

Ma, you are a crazy lady,

and I love ya, I
love ya, I love ya.

I love you too, pussycat.

That's beautiful.

I've got to try to convince
him to choose you guys.

You're as close as any
family I've ever seen.

I can't believe he bought it.

What do you mean,
Sophia? We get along great.

He's got no idea what it's like,

living with you monkeys.

I get sick every time
I think of the time...

Ma, Rose isn't talking to me.

Enjoy it while it lasts.
Now, good night.

Honey - Oh, hi, Dorothy.

Honey, can I talk
to you? No, go away.

But I can't sleep, Sophia,

and it's all because
Rose isn't talking to me.

I could care less. Now
get out of my room!

(knocking) (Rose) Sophia?

I'm not in.

Wait for the beep,
then leave a message.


Hi, this is Rose...

Rose, shut up and get in here!

I see you're with two
double-crossing ex-friends of mine.

I'll come back later.

What do you think
this is, the 7-Eleven?

I'm not open all night.

Rose, we feel terrible
about what we've done.

What have you done?
We're really very sorry.

Sorry about what?
Sorry isn't good enough.

How can I ever trust
you again? Trust who?

Please, Rose, let's
not talk about trust

after the terrible
things you wrote.

Will someone please tell me
what the hell you're talking about?

Blanche and I read Rose's diary.

And she wrote some terrible
things about us in there.

About you? I didn't
write anything about you.

I didn't even know you
when I kept that diary.

What are you talking
about? That was my 4-H diary.

I kept it one summer when I
raised two pigs for the county fair.

You kept a diary
about raising two pigs?

You know another way to
get a 4-H pig diary badge?

Stop! Even surgical stockings
only have so much elastic!


Girls, this
nightgown is so sheer

I believe you can
see right through it.

Oh, hello, Fidel.

Hello, Blanche. How are you?

You don't have
cataracts - you tell me.

Beat it, you
50-year-old mattress.

Why, you... you miserable old...

Blanche, Blanche,
Blanche. You know the rules.

When one of you
is out with Fidel,

the other one
does not interfere.

My apologies.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go take a
long, hot, steamy bath,

with just enough water

to barely cover my perky bosoms.

You're only gonna
sit in an inch of water?

Oh, that does it! That does it!

No, no, no, no, ladies!

Dorothy, why don't
we have a pet?

Anybody want a cracker?

Never mind.


Good evening.

Well, I guess you
know why I'm here.

Sure. Nobody can leave

after just one
helping of flugelkaka.

No, ma'am. And don't
even kid about that.

No, I'm here to tell
you that tomorrow

the President of
the United States

will be coming to your house.

Oh, my!


What did you...
How did you do that?

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

Rose, what's all this?

Oh, I want the President
to feel welcome,

so I'm making him a sign.

It's gonna say "Welcome,
President Bush.

"We are pleased to
have you in our home.

"We're really thrilled
that you're visiting Miami.

"We hope you have a good
time and a safe trip home,

"and good luck on
running the country."

It's catchy, Rose.

Are you sure you want
to go to all that trouble?

Honey, he'll just be
here a few minutes.

Are you kidding?

This is the most exciting thing
that's ever happened to me.

More exciting than
winning the annual

St. Olaf me-and-my-pet
look-alike contest?

Yes. But mostly because I don't
have to swim with a duck in my mouth.

Boy, when the President gets
here, am I gonna let him have it.

What do you think I
should hit him with first?

Inadequate funding
for education?

The plight of the
hungry and homeless?

Pollution of the
air and the water?

I mean, the
problems are endless.

Dorothy, you can't talk
like that to the President.

Watch me.

Sure, there are problems,
but can't we just pray

they'll go away by themselves?

You haven't.

Dorothy, if you make a
scene, this whole thing

is gonna blow up in our faces.

Why do you say that?

Because something always does.

Let me refresh your memory.

OK, we have the
suntan lotion, Chap Stick,

and half a dozen cheap,
tawdry romance novels.

Then we're all set. We have
everything we need for the cruise.

Girls, listen, maybe we don't
have everything we need.

What are we missing?

Well, we are going away

for a romantic weekend
to the Bahamas

with Jeff and Rich and Randy.

In this day and age it
might be a good idea

to take along some protection.

What kind of protection?

Two armed Pinkerton guards.

No, Blanche is
talking about, uh...

A Nestlé's Crunch?

One over.

An enema bag?

To the right.


Condoms, Rose. Condoms,
condoms, condoms!

Calm down, lady.

You just get outta prison?

Girls, what do you think?

Well, it's not a bad idea,

but... I'm a little embarrassed.

Oh, me too. Embarrassed?

There's no reason
to be embarrassed.

These are discreet

This is a private matter.

Whatever we buy is
nobody's business but our own.

I'd like a package
of these, please.

And, uh, I'll take these.

And I'll take these.

Now, that wasn't so bad, was it?

Uh, Joe, I need a price
check on some condoms.

These three ladies here
want a couple of boxes

of the King George

(Joe) The lambskins
or the ultrasensitive?

Two of 'em have the lambskins

and the blonde has
the ultrasensitive,

in black.


Could I see some identification?

Come on in.

So, you two are
the proud parents

of the new Dolan
Standard Lowboy, huh?

Yes, we're sending out
engraved announcements.

Well, you probably want to get
her operational as soon as possible.

After all, she's
quite a showpiece.

Where do I install her?

Well, actually, uh, Lou,

we're going to
install her ourselves.

Follow me. Hold it.
You're not serious?

Why not?

You gotta be a
man, for God's sakes!

You know, to tell
you the truth, Lou,

women are capable of more
than just cleaning these things.

Is that so? Well, as long as
you ladies are playing plumber,

why don't you play
moving man, too?

Fine! Fine, we will!

Was that a plumber? No, Ma, no.

It was a little girl
selling Girl Scout toilets.

You let a plumber get
away? We don't need him!

Like hell! I'm going after him.

Come on, Dorothy, let's
move this little beauty.

OK. Ohh!

Ooh. Wait, wait.

No, honey, she won't budge.

Oh, Rose, I don't think we're
gonna be able to move it.

Dorothy, if the Egyptians
built the pyramids,

now, we can move this toilet.

Fine. Get me 20,000 Hebrews,

and I'll have it out
of here in no time.

Oh, come on.

Give me a minute,
I'll think of something.

I'd love you to
meet my roommates.

Unfortunately, they're
not home right now.

Dorothy, I gotta talk to you.

I owe you a big apology.

For what, Ma?

For what I said before.

You know, about you not
knowing a thing about plumbing.

Dorothy, you're a genius.

Ma, wait. What are
you talking about?

I walk into the living
room, and there's a toilet

in front of the television set.

It's an old lady's
dream come true!

You wouldn't believe
all the security out there.

Of course, they have to have it.

When the President
comes to town,

it brings out all the oddballs.


Hi, it's me, Stan.

Stanley, what are
you doing here?

I'm glad you asked.

Inside this box is
my best novelty yet,

not to mention
the perfect tie-in

to the President's visit.


the George Bush
point of light on a stick.

You know, Dorothy, every
now and then it dawns on me

you had children with this man.

Stanley, get out. Wait. Please.

I just took a bath on
those Daniel Ortega buttons

that say "four more years."


I can never tell when
you ladies are kidding.

Out! Out!

Good one.

Stan, I want you gone
before the President gets here.

Come on, Dorothy. I'm a big fan.

Maybe he'd like to meet me.

I almost voted for him.

I would've if I could
have registered.

You know those things
go straight to the IRS?

So could I.

See you.

Oh, what did I ever
see in that man?

Don't blame yourself. You
were young, you were carefree.

You were just one of those girls

who marries the first
guy who knocks her up.


Gee, this is really cool.

Yeah, I see that you've met...

Stanley Zbornak.
A novelty salesman,

your ex-husband,
father of your children,

and if you don't mind
me saying, first-class yutz.

Wow, they do know everything.

We had to run security
clearances on everyone.

Everyone passed except
for you, Mrs. Petrillo.

I can't believe it!

I spend one lousy
night with Mussolini -

and I do mean lousy -

and I'm marked for life.

No, that's not it.

Our records list you
as both Sophia Petrillo

and Sophia Weinstock.

What's the deal? Are you
trying to hide something?

Is there a Mr. Weinstock?

OK, OK. I'm tired of running.

Where do I begin?

Max Weinstock and my
late husband, Salvadore,

were in the restaurant
business together in Brooklyn.

They had known
each other since...

Ma, what's the matter?

Esther Weinstock is dead.

We grew up together.
She was my best friend.

Oh, I'm so sorry. What happened?

She was fighting an oil rig fire

in the Gulf of Mexico.

She was 88!

Well, it's great that she was
able to work right up to the end.


Dorothy, do you
hear a dog howling?

Behave yourself.
Hello, Mr. Weinstock.

Oh, my goodness,
as I live and breathe!


You're little Dorothy Petrillo.

That's right.

You haven't changed a
bit. Same gorgeous smile.

Pretty eyes, beautiful figure,
long golden blonde hair.

You have cataracts,
don't you, Mr. Weinstock?

Since 1967.

Let's go.

Sophia. Esther would have
appreciated you being here.

I loved that woman.
She was the best,

which is why she
deserved a better husband.

Instead of a miserable,
no-good, lowlife sleazeball.

Sophia, if you knew
now what I knew then...

Ah, so what.

If you've got something to
say, spit it out, Weinstock.

Don't push me, or I will.

There. I pushed. Too bad
you weren't on a flight of stairs.

Ma, Ma, you're creating a scene.

Look, that was a long
time ago. Forget about it.

I can't forget. This man
stole money from us.

Because of him, our
family went hungry.

Ma, we never went hungry.

Some nights I felt like dessert.

Listen, why don't we
just leave this mess

and go out and get
something to eat?

Yeah, I'll ask Ma if
she'd like to come.

It'll do her good to
get out of the house.

Oh, she's been so depressed
since she got back from that funeral.

I mean, she lost one
of her oldest friends,

and even though she
made up with Max,

she'll probably
never see him again.

Well, you go and get her,
we will try to cheer her up.

We don't want that poor little
thing getting sick over this.


(Dorothy) Ma! Oh, my God!

Dorothy, what is it?

What, honey?

Oh! Good Lord.

Ma, what is going on here?


So let's see if I've
got this straight.

You and this Max
Weinstock were...

Getting it on.

Thank you.

If you write that down, make it
three times a night. He'd like that.

And send me a copy.

So this was a casual fling?

Please. I'm not the love
'em and leave 'em type.

At my age, I don't have
the strength to do both.

We got married.

It was a lovely ceremony,
no thanks to Dorothy.

Ma, listen, I have
to talk to you.

Who's in charge here?

What's the problem?

I'm the caterer.
It's two o'clock.

The guests are waiting. Why
isn't the show on the road?

Ma, I know you're in
there. The wedding is off.

She doesn't approve.
She doesn't approve?

Now, look here, Stretch.

I have a hundred cheese
puffs and a sensitive assistant

both on the verge of collapse.

Whatever the
problem is, overlook it.

My mother did with my marriage.

And if you say something
smart, I'll slap you silly.

Listen, this is a private
moment, so butt out, Rambo.

Ma, I have a confession to make.

Ma, I came here to beg you for
the last time not to get married.

I didn't want you
and Max together

because it looked like
you were cheating on Pop.

I know it doesn't
make any sense,

but I still think of the two
of you as being married,

and I didn't want Max
taking Pop's place.

But now that I see the
two of you so much in love,

I realize I was just
being selfish, Ma.

Ma, I want you to be happy.

And I know Pop would too.

I love you, pussycat.

This is more moving

than Susan Hayward's climactic
speech in I Want To Live!

You're ready to fly right
out of here, aren't you?

Well, excuse me for
living, Anita Bryant.

Could we please
get married already,

so I can get in on the hugging?

Places! Oh, Sophia.

Honey, I want to wish you
all the happiness in the world.

Oh, thank you, Blanche.

And, Sophia, I want to offer you

a tradition Scandinavian
wedding blessing.

Keflectoflafen flafenflurfen,

potetaflingin faflafen.

I'm really touched.

I'm also soaking wet.

All right! One group
hug, and let's hit the road.

Oh, Sophia, honey...

(♪ organist plays "The
Wedding March" by Wagner)


Either I mixed the Elvis
list with the wedding list,

or everyone in Max's family

appeared on The
Ed Sullivan Show.

Who cares already?
Let's just do it!

We are gathered here today

to join this man and
this woman in matrimony.

I just love weddings!
Oh, me too, me too.

You think you'll ever
get married again?

Oh, I don't know.
I don't think so.

Me neither. How
about you, Blanche?

Oh, absolutely.

If the right man
ever came along.

Course, he'd have to have
the body of Mr. Mel Gibson,

the personality of
Mr. Johnny Carson,

and the financial resources
of Mr. Donald Trump.

I have a feeling the three of us

are going to be
together for a long time.

And do you, Max, take Sophia
to be your lawfully wedded wife?

I do.

Then if no Elvis in this room

has any objection to this union,

I now pronounce
you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

♪ I do love you
♪ With all my heart

♪ Blue skies of
Hawaii smile ♪ On this

♪ Our wedding day ♪


Well, thank you, Mrs. Petrillo.

By the way, what
happened to Mr. Weinstock?

We found out we
weren't compatible.

Thank God it was
before we had kids.

All right. Now that the
Weinstock mystery is cleared up,

I only have one
more question to ask.

What organizations
do you belong to?

We have to make sure
none of them could be

considered a threat
to the President.

Oh, well, I'm a member
of the Sierra Club,

and Blanche belongs to the
Daughters of the Confederacy.

And I'm a member of
the Otto Club of St. Olaf.

Actually I'm an honorary member.

My name's not Otto.

I don't think that group could
be considered subversive.


As in, "Do you
advocate the overthrow

of the government
by force or violence?"

Violence. Rose!

Actually there is one
other organization

that Rose and I belong to.

We might as well tell him.

He'll find out sooner or later.

Well, that about
concludes the first meeting

of the Hunk-a Hunk-a
Burnin' Love Fan Club.

But before we adjourn,

our secretary has a
real special surprise.

A genuine Elvis artifact!

(oohs and aahs)

It's a partially-eaten
pork chop.

Let me see.

He had beautiful
teeth, didn't he?

It's wonderful!

This has to be a fake.

Elvis would never have left
this much meat on a pork chop.

(laughs hysterically)

Dorothy, you're out of the club.

Meeting is adjourned.

Thank you, ladies.
See you next week.

Thank you for coming.

Well, I hope you're not
too upset over this, Dorothy.

I've just been thrown out

of an unauthorized
Elvis fan club.

I'll try to pick up the pieces
and go on with my life.

I mean, there must be a
support group for people like me.

We're sorry, Dorothy,
but the bylaws clearly state

that any derogatory
remarks about the King

are grounds for
immediate expulsion.

Maybe you ought to
join an organization

that is a little less
fanatical in its devotion.

Like what, Blanche? The PLO?

Is anyone as nervous as I am?

I can't believe I'm gonna meet
the President of the United States.

Oh, if I say something
stupid, I'll die.

Can we make a
donation in lieu of flowers?

Dorothy, you're
not still planning

on saying all those things
to the President, are you?

Oh, absolutely.

When he comes through
that door, I am ready for him.

Read my lips.
I'm telling him off.

I'm telling him o...

Well, it's not really fair,
'cause I can hear you.

Dorothy, am I showing
too much cleavage?


Then I'm ready for him too.


Ladies, the motorcade
is running late.

Now, the President won't
actually be coming into the house.

He'll just be at the door
for a photo opportunity.

So, Mrs. Devereaux, you
might want to cover up.


Oh! Here he comes.

Mr. President, I'd like
you to meet Rose Nylund.

Hello, Mr. President.
Can I ask you something?

(President) Why, sure.

Is the Oval Office
as hard to vacuum

as I think it is?

(President) Well, I don't know.

There hasn't been a
Hoover in the White House

in, oh, 60 years.

(President laughs)

(all laugh)

That was a good one, sir.

And this is Sophia Petrillo.

(President) Well, thank you
for letting me visit your home.

You know, where I come
from, when you visit somebody,

you bring a little something.

A marble cake
would've been nice.

Sophia! What?

This is the President
of the United States.

Then he should know better.

And this is...

Blanche Devereaux. It's a
real pleasure, Mr. President.

My! You do have a lot of
Secret Service men, don't you?

Hi, Blanche.

Hi, fellas.

Thank you, Mrs. Devereaux.

And, Mr. President,
this is Dorothy Zbornak.

Dorothy, please?

(President) Hello, Miss Zbornak.

I, uh... Oh...

(Agent Bell) Miss Zbornak
is a teacher, Mr. President.

(President) Do you
have suggestions

maybe on how we can help
with this education thing?

Y... Bush.

(President) Well, it's good to
know we have your backing.

Do you wanna let
go of my hand now?

I think he means right now.

Oh, y...

(President) Well, I hope you've
enjoyed this as much as I have.

Goodbye, ladies.

Goodbye, Mr. President.

(cars drive away)


I think he got the message.