The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 5, Episode 24 - All Bets Are Off - full transcript

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for being a friend"

Oh, there it is.

Ma, what are you
doing with my résumé?



Punching it up. How's this?

"1946 - 1984: Took part in
extensive anthropological research."

Why "anthropological research?"

Because it's better than saying

"married to a
baboon for 38 years."

Look, Ma, if I'm going to
get this job as vice-principal,

I'm gonna get it honestly

Ooh, girls, I have a date

with the most cultured, urbane,

sophisticated man
in the whole world!

You know George
"Goober" Lindsey?

Even more sophisticated, Rose.

His name is Donald
Parker Everett.

He's the new curator
at the museum.



Oh, Blanche. Honey,
it's not a good idea

to go out with
someone you work with.

Oh, come on, Dorothy.

I've heard you talk
about Ted the track coach,

how sexy and virile he is.

Just talk. I wouldn't
dream of going after him.

Even if she did,
he'd easily outrun her.

(laughing hysterically)

Rose, it's not that funny.

I know.

I think I better keep the
lid on this paint thinner.

Dorothy, I can't finish
this picture. Why not?

I can't paint a
horse from memory.

What you need is a model.

I know a place where
you can see a horse.

I know a place where
you can see horses

and lots of little men
in silk pants with whips.

Or you could go to
the racetrack instead.

Well, that could be fun!
What do you say, Dorothy?

Um, I don't think so.

I haven't been to
the track in 15 years.

Oh, go on, Dorothy, take her.

It'll be a fun afternoon and
Rose can memorize a horse.

I'd rather not.

Oh, Dorothy, please.
Come on, be a pal.

I'd do it for you.

Why can't you go by yourself?

I'm afraid to go to
the track by myself.

You always meet a lot of
lecherous guys out for a good time

who think they can impress you
by throwing their money around.

Oh, damn! I wish I didn't
have to go to work today.

Well, Dorothy, you
go. You can relax

and take your mind off your
job interview tomorrow afternoon.

Oh, all right. Oh, good!

I, uh, I would lend you my
pass to the jockeys' lounge,

but you don't want
to date a jockey.

The sex is over too
fast, and afterwards

the only nice thing they
have to say to you is,

"Good girl, good girl."

Sophia, I've decided to wear
this little watch on a chain,

nestled cunningly
in my cleavage.

What other
accessories do I need?

Implants.

Dorothy's parking the car.

I have to get a
horse in this picture

while it's still
fresh in my mind.

I don't know whether
to paint Old Silver,

the horse who brought
the news to St. Olaf

that the British had
no intention of coming...

or Old Brisker, the horse who,

because of a printing
error on the ballot slips,

was elected water
commissioner for six months.

Hi.

Hi! Did you have
fun at the track?

You went to the track?
Oh, we had a wonderful day.

And thanks to
Dorothy's expert tips,

I made enough money
to buy more art supplies.

Dorothy, I want to
see you in the kitchen.

I'm sorry, Ma,
I'm a little busy.

Fine. I'll eat a bowl of chili

and we'll talk later,
in your bedroom.

Coming, Mother.

What the hell were you
doing at the racetrack?

Oh, Ma, come on, you're
making too much of this.

I haven't gambled in 15 years.

And I didn't put down any
bets for myself today, either.

It was just nice to know
that I could still pick a winner.

This from a woman who's
got a Dukakis bumper sticker

covering up her
Mondale bumper sticker?

Look, Ma, I admit that once I did
have a small gambling problem.

A small problem?

You bet against your own
son's Little League team!

Ma, I had to. I knew that their star
pitcher had after-school detention.

You were his teacher,
you gave him detention.

Of all the things

you could have
inherited from your father,

you had to pick this
damn gambling disease.

Oh, Ma, will you
get off my back?

You don't have
to worry about me.

I had a nice day at the
track, and that's that.

And Pop did not have a problem.

Dorothy, I spent too many years
denying your father's addiction.

He was a gambler
to his dying day.

In fact, his last words were,

"10 bucks says I don't
need this oxygen tank."

(doorbell)

Why, Donald.

I see by my watch
that you're right on time.

You're looking lovely.

Thank you.

I'll just get my
purse, and we'll go.

Oh, this is my roommate, Rose.

Hello. Blanche,
Before you leave,

will you take a
look at this horse

and tell me if it
looks like Old Brisker

is pulling the beer wagon?

Honey, why don't you ask
Donald to look at Old Brisker?

He knows a lot about art.

I'd be happy to.

It's quite good.

It's an interesting primitive.

In fact, it makes me
think of Grandma Moses.

She must have been pretty strong

to do the work of a Clydesdale.

You really can't
blame her, Donald.

She doesn't work in the
museum the way we do.

I call them Winter of St. Olaf,

and Spring of St. Olaf,
and Summer of St. Olaf.

Why haven't you painted
the Fall of St. Olaf?

Because it hasn't happened yet.

Although we came pretty close
when new math came along.

Rose, I think he's
referring to autumn.

Donald, maybe we'd better go.

You know, Rose, we
have a special section

set aside for local artists.

When you finish the series, maybe
we could hang them in the museum.

Wow! Hanging in the museum?

Well, none of my relatives
ever hung in a museum.

Oh, wait. Uncle Gustav.

Well, actually, he
hung in the barn.

But that was only
when he discovered

his horse had defeated
him for water commissioner.

Oh, so you're studying
for your interview?

Uh-huh.

I know it's a lot of
added responsibility,

but I really want this job.

Then why are you
reading the racing form?

The racing form?

Why would you think I'm
reading the racing form?

You can't lie to your mother.

Mothers always
know when you lie.

Don't you think I knew

what your brother Phil
was doing in the bathroom

when he said he was
oiling his baseball glove?

He was working on
his Simplicity patterns.

Well, good night. Sleep tight.
See you in the morning light.

It's the best light to
paint by, you know.

Oh, I like this painting.

And I'm getting
better at it all the time.

Pretty soon I'll be able to copy

St. Olaf's most famous
religious painting,

The Last Pancake Breakfast.

Blanche!

Honey, what's
wrong? You're shaking.

I have been humiliated
and degraded.

Many times. You
just figured it out now?

The evening started
off wonderfully.

Donald took me to a
beautiful restaurant,

and he ordered
everything in French,

which totally confused
our waiter, Chip.

Then he took me dancing,
and he was a perfect gentleman.

Get to the humiliation
and degradation part.

Then I suggested we
go back to his place.

When we got there, I went
to the bathroom to freshen up.

After I had removed
all of my clothes...

I noticed his monogrammed
velour bathrobe hanging there.

Thinking only of his pleasure,
I decided to slip into it.

Oh, God, I looked so fetching.

I could not wait
for him to see me.

So I emerged,
framed in the doorway,

and slowly let the bathrobe
slide from my perfect body.

And you know what he said to me?

"Put your clothes back on.
I'm gonna take you home."

How could I ever
look him in the eye?

Why, I'll never be able
to go back to work again.

Oh! "Put your clothes back on"?

That's the first time
anybody's ever said that to me.

Well, without shining
a flashlight in my face.

Hello? I'm Dorothy Zbornak.

I have an appointment
about the vice-principal's job.

Yes, unfortunately
my car broke down,

and I'm stuck here at
the auto mechanic's.

Is there any way that Mr. Pratt
could see me later this afternoon?

He could?

4:45 would be perfect.

Thanks so much.
I'll see you then.

$20 to win on Ma's Mouth.

It's a hunch.

Hi. You're still
painting out there?

Yeah. But I'm having trouble.

I don't know.

I think it's impossible to
paint autumn in St. Olaf.

How come?

Maybe it's because
of the horrible

St. Olaf falling leaf story.

Please, Rose.

If this is a story about
a man named Leif,

I don't want to hear it.

It's not that long... No.

It has a surprise ending.

All right, Rose. Just the
ending, but keep it short.

Splat.

Hi, girls. Hi, Blanche.

You're not gonna go to work
dressed like that, are you?

No, Rose. I'm gonna put
on pumps instead of slippers.

Why does she even
ask such things?

I'll allow the question.

No, Rose. I'm not going to work.

Oh, girls, I just can't!
Donald will be there.

Blanche, you're gonna have
to face that man sometime.

Look, I appreciate
your concern, Rose,

but I will not go into
that museum today.

I have my dignity.
I have my pride.

Oh, Blanche, your copy of
Slung magazine just arrived.

Ooh.

Dorothy Zbornak,
you're in big trouble.

What? What did I do?

You lied to me,
that's what you did.

I was going through your
purse and look at what I found.

Betting slips. You
went to the track again.

How could you, Dorothy?

I spent the best
years of my life

trying to give you a sense
of moral responsibility.

Ma, what were you
doing in my purse?

Stealing.

But, Dorothy, weren't
you supposed to interview

for that vice-principal's
job yesterday?

I rescheduled. For when?

All right, I rescheduled and
then I missed the appointment.

Dorothy, it's happening again.

You're losing control.

Ma, I really didn't
want that job anyway.

I don't need that kind
of pressure in my life.

You know what you're gonna
wind up with in your life? Nothing.

Then what are you gonna
do? Sponge off your kids?

Move in with them? Have
them take care of you?

OK, bad example.

But I'm telling you, Dorothy,
this is gonna ruin your life.

Well, Dorothy, I'm
worried about you...

Oh, please, don't you start.

I had a problem 15 years
ago. That's a long time.

I've learned a little something
since then. A lot has happened.

And I've lived with
the temptations.

Well, isn't that something?
You think you know somebody,

then you find out
something like this.

Hard to believe. I'll say.

To think Dorothy's lived
with The Temptations.

I've never even been
to one of their concerts.

(breathing heavily)

Rose, what are you doing?

I heard the creative process
is a lot like giving birth,

so I'm doing my
Lamaze breathing.

Oh. For a minute there, I
thought I wasn't the only one

with the invisible man fantasy.

I am so uptight.

I mean, Donald's
expecting this painting,

and I really don't
want to let him down.

Listen, after what he did to
me, feel free to let him down.

You know, Blanche, I was
thinking about that story

you told us about
you and Donald.

You mean when I dropped my robe

and stood there in all my
nakedness and asked him for a romp?

Right. I was wondering if
maybe you were too direct?

In what way?

How can I explain this?

OK.

You see this little possum
in my St. Olaf painting?

Well, every year she
goes into her mating ritual,

and gives off little signals.

I mean, she releases a scent,

she changes the way she stands,

she makes tiny
little whistling noises.

I do that.

Yes, but don't you
see? That's all she does.

I mean, she plays hard to
get. And believe me, it works.

I mean, men find
her very attractive.

You mean males?

No, I mean men.

Blanche, I need you to
take me to the eye doctor.

It's time for a
new prescription.

I thought Dorothy was taking
you. I don't know any Dorothy.

She's your daughter, Sophia.

I'm being dramatic, you moron.

I mean, I spit at the name
Dorothy. I have no daughter.

I have no spit.

Honey, can't you go to
the eye doctor tomorrow?

Please! I can hardly see my
own hand in front of my face.

That's my hand, Sophia.

Oh, thank God. I saw
so many liver spots,

I thought I was being
attacked by a Dalmatian.

Dorothy Zbornak.

Yeah, listen. I need
to place another bet.

I'll get that money
to you tomorrow.

No, I'm good for it.

Listen, there's a horse that
looks good to me at Hialeah today.

Salisbury Shrew,
in the second race.

Make it a hundred.

(Sophia) Let's go, Dorothy.

Oh, I gotta go. Thanks, Frank.

Sophia, why are you up?

Same reason you're up.

You're filled with anxiety?

I'm old.

I'm not old.

Oh, forgive me.

I'm supposed to support
your vain, narcissistic fantasy

that you're still
in your forties.

It's either that or
a big rent raise.

Hi, you guys. What
are you doing up?

Sophia's old, and
I'm filled with anxiety.

Blanche, you can't stay
home from work forever.

Can't you just
swallow your pride?

There's no room for it.

She just scarfed down
a bag of Chips Ahoy.

Why are you insulting me?

It's a defense mechanism.

I guess it's to hide my feelings

when I'm deeply upset.

Oh, well, I understand. In that
case, I won't take it personally.

Thanks, you human mattress.

I'm sorry.

I'm just so worried
about Dorothy.

I keep remembering how
bad it was the last time

she let this gambling
thing take over her life.

There was nothing I could
do. That's when she hit bottom.

What happened? Because
of her gambling debts,

she had to borrow
money from loan sharks,

and she couldn't pay it back.

She came to me crying because
she was gonna lose her house.

The only way we
could get the money

was with Sal's life insurance.

So you killed Sal?

Of course not.

By the way, what kind
of policy do you have?

Well, we cashed in the policies

and paid the sharks off.

But I didn't give
Dorothy the money

until she agreed to go
to Gambler's Anonymous.

I can understand now
why you're deeply upset.

Thanks, you human speed bump.

Sorry.

(both) We understand.

(phone rings)

I'll get it, I'll get it,
I'll get it, I'll get it.

Hello?

Yes, Frank, I am aware of that.

No, I'll have the
money to you today.

Cash. Of course.

Dorothy, I need a fresh eye.

Does this look any good to you?

It's great.

You didn't even look at it.

I'll bet you can't
even tell me what it is.

Well, of course I
can, Rose. It's...

What the hell is it, Rose?

That's it. I don't think I want to
paint for the museum any more.

Whatever you want.

It's making me a nervous wreck.

I used to love painting. Now
it's getting to be an obsession.

And obsessions can be dangerous.

That's just because
you're prone to them.

Some people aren't. Where
the hell is the racing form?

Gee, I don't know.
Why do you need it?

I don't. It's not important.

Actually, Rose, I need cash.

Quick.

And I'm up to my limit
at the automated teller.

Is this about the phone
call you just received?

The phone... Yes, yes.
It was the paperboy.

I forgot to pay him last week.

How much do you need? $250.

Isn't that kind of a
lot for the paperboy?

Rose, the truth is...

The truth is, I
need the money...

so my mother can
have an operation.

Sophia needs an operation?

Well, not an actual operation.

She's just going to
have her face done.

How's she gonna get it done?

Southwestern, Rose.

Look, Rose, I need the money.

You're just going
to have to trust me.

Well, of course I trust
you. You're my best friend.

You can take everything I have.

Well, don't give me
everything you have.

I mean, all I need is a couple
hundred bucks, you know, so that I can...

Oh, you don't owe me
any explanation. Here.

I want you to take my bank card,

and take as much
money as you need,

and pay me back
whenever you can.

Oh, thanks a lot.
And don't you worry,

I'll have this money
back before you know it.

Oh, no hurry. I
trust you completely.

Yeah, well...

Rose, I mean, you shouldn't
trust anyone completely.

Dorothy, if I can't trust
you, whom can I trust?

You're practically
a sister to me.

Yeah, well, sisters
often lie, Rose.

And even best
friends take advantage

of each other occasionally.

I don't think so.

Rose, you should.
You're being very naive.

I'm not naive. Yes, you are.
You are being naive now.

Don't you see? I'm
stealing your money.

I know, Dorothy.

But I was hoping you'd have
a hard time taking advantage

of somebody who cares
about you as much as I do.

I need help, Rose.

Oh, God, I hate the lying!

Dorothy, I lied to you, too.

You could never have
used that bank card.

You don't have my personal
identification number.

And you'd never guess
it in a thousand years.

Rose, honey, it's right here.

You've written it on the card.

Well, that's because I
have trouble guessing it, too.

So then I went up to
the podium, and I said,

"My name is Dorothy,

and I have a gambling problem."

You know, when I left Gambler's
Anonymous 15 years ago,

I thought I'd never have
to say those words again.

Well, let's hope this
time you get cured.

Ah, you're never
really cured, Rose.

You just have to
learn to live each day

just one day at a time.

Well, of course you do, Dorothy.

If you took them two at a time

you'd end up constantly
changing your underwear.

Go ahead, stand up and say it.

"My name is Rose,
and I'm an idiot."

Oh, hi, girls.

Ah, Blanche, you're
finally dressed!

Yeah, I went back
to work. Good for you!

And you know what I found out

the reason Donald
rejected me was?

He has this strict
personal rule against

getting involved with
anybody he's working with.

I told you. Yeah.

Well, anyway, he knew it was
either violate this rule of his,

or quit his job
and come after me.

So that's what he did, he quit!

And then he asked
me to go out with him.

And what did you say?

Well, I've decided
to take Rose's advice.

I'm playing hard to get, like
that little possum in your story.

Did I mention the part

where you hang upside
down from the tree?

I can do that.