The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 5, Episode 23 - The Mangiacavallo Curse Makes a Lousy Wedding Present - full transcript

Sophia must confront a man that she put a curse on after he jilted her at the altar decades ago.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

Morning, Dorothy.

I didn't want to hear
it from Bryant Gumbel,



and I don't want
to hear it from you.

Problem?

I still don't have a date
for Jenny's wedding.

My own goddaughter, and
I'm gonna show up alone.

How humiliating!

Ma, don't rub it in.

I meant for me.

I called every guy I know,

and they all came up
with the same lame excuse.

What? "I don't want to go."

Good morning! Dorothy,
do you have a date yet?

I don't want to go.

Dorothy. I'll get you a date.

You can borrow one of my extras.



What kind of guy would you like?

She's not picky. Yes, I am.

Right. You could circle the
globe without finding another Stan.

Look, why do you
care if I have a date?

Family honor.
Especially at this wedding.

What's so special
about this wedding?

Dorothy's goddaughter
is marrying the grandson

of Giuseppe Mangiacavallo.

(spits)

So?

Let her tell the story.

When I was 14 in Sicily,

my father arranged a
marriage with a neighbor's son.

My dowry was two chickens, a
ladle and a goat to be named later.

We came from a wealthy family.

But the day of my wedding,
as I stood at the altar,

the boy I was to marry was on a
cattle boat headed for America.

That night, on a
tear-stained pillow,

I put a curse on him.

A curse?

Nothing fancy. I
remember I said,

"Giuseppe Mangiacavallo,
from this day forward,

"may you and all
your future generations

"never know true love.

"May you be sterile, and may
all your offspring be sterile.

"May your hair never lie flat,

and may your socks always
slip down inside your shoes."

And this is the same
Giuseppe Mangiacavallo

who is the grandfather
of the groom?

Now you see why I want us
to look good at this wedding.

Look, Ma, I don't know
how to break this to you...

Gently. I'm old.

Giuseppe Mangiacavallo
has had a fabulous life.

He's in his 80s, he's
a multimillionaire,

and enjoys perfect health.

Well, it's a very
slow-acting curse.

So it would appear.

That's the beauty of it.

He's been lulled into a
false sense of security

for the past 70 years, so I
don't want you showing up

like a wallflower and
blowing my big moment.

Sophia's right.

Oh, Dorothy, come on.
Borrow one of my men.

One of my many, many,
many, many, many, many men!

All right. All right.
For Ma's sake.

Let's see. You're
going with Howard...

Dr. Howard.

How about Doug?

Oh, Dorothy, not Doug!

I couldn't possibly.
He's on my A-list.

I mean, come on,
Dorothy. He's a judge.

He's fun to be with,
and I haven't paid

a speeding ticket in six months.

You know, this is
why I hate doing this.

You always do this, Blanche.

You always keep all
the good guys for yourself

and you give us the leftovers.

You know what your trouble is?

Of course not.

You're only generous when
it doesn't mean anything.

But you won't give
if it's going to hurt.

Hey, Dorothy, you could
always call Claude Hughes.

Oh, come on, Ma.

Claude Hughes is the
dullest, ugliest man I know.

So what's the problem?

He didn't want to go.

Uh, Ma, now that you've
finished, could I see that?

Next time I'll ask you to
hand me the candlestick.

Look, Ma, it's not so terrible
if I go to the wedding alone.

Hi, Rose.

It's not fair. I don't deserve
these kinds of problems.

Oh, honey. Maybe I can help.

I live to help.
I'm a great friend.

Contrary to popular belief.

Miles can't take
me to the wedding.

He's going to be out of
town at a teaching seminar.

Now I can't go.

That shouldn't
keep you from going.

Oh, I have my
reasons. It's a long story.

Gotta run.

Now, what's this all about?

Well, it started 40 years ago...

Oh, my God.

At my wedding in St. Olaf's
Great Shepherd Church.

Oh, it was beautiful.

Especially when all those
balloons dropped from the ceiling.

You had balloons in the church?

Well, it's not as if
we filled them with air.

We learned our lesson.
You put air in them,

and the St. Olaf Boys'
Choir would use them

to make those disgusting noises.

Go on with your story,
darling. I care deeply.

Well, after the wedding,

Charlie and I had
the most exciting,

passionate night of our lives.

After that, whenever
we'd go to a wedding,

we'd end up going home

and putting on the cast
album of Song of Norway,

and going crazy on each other!

What are you saying,
Rose? Weddings get you hot?

Yes.

I mean, it was fine
while Charlie was alive,

but oh, I'll never forget that
first wedding after he died.

So now you see why I can't go
if Miles is gonna be out of town.

I might end up almost going
to bed with the caterer again.

Rose, I want to help,

but first you have to tell
me what the problem is.

Oh, Rose, honey, you
have nothing to worry about.

We wouldn't let you do
something you'd regret.

That's what I was
gonna say, I swear.

You're such good friends.

You hear that, Dorothy?

You're trying too hard, Blanche.

Well, you hurt me
with what you said.

Oh, Dorothy, let me get you
somebody hot off my A-list.

Somebody tall, good-looking,
goes with everything.

Doug?

How about an ex-racecar driver?

Speaks five languages,
has three car dealerships.

Has a slight limp, so he
can only dance in a circle,

but that works at a wedding.

Doug.

I got an anesthesiologist,
but you won't feel anything.

Doug.

All right, Doug.

But listen. Don't you
forget, you be careful.

This man is on loan from the
Blanche Devereaux collection.

(Dorothy) Oh, what
a beautiful wedding.

And, Ma, nothing went wrong.

A curse doesn't
work in a church.

Too many statues. Give it time.

Is it just me,

or did anybody else notice
the buns on that priest?

Rose, honey, take it easy.

Breathe deeply.
It'll be all right.

Don't worry, honey.
Nothing to worry about.

We're here to look out for you.

Oh, I just hope the band doesn't
play the St. Olaf Wedding March.

I think the chances of their
playing that are pretty slim.

I don't know. It
got awfully popular

after Laurel and Hardy started
using it as their theme song.

(♪ soft music)

We're gonna have to
keep an eye on her. Mm.

Dorothy, I'm gonna
find Mangiacavallo.

I want him to see
the tasty little morsel

he let slip through his fingers.

Where's Doug?

Oh, he's checking our coats.

Blanche, I want to thank you.

You know, he's
really a very nice guy.

Well, that's fine for you, but I
don't know why I even came.

This is the last time
I ever date a doctor.

Imagine dumping me for an
emergency appendectomy!

I just hate it when doctors
use the Hippocratic oath

as an excuse for everything.

Blanche, it was his appendix.

Sorry that took so long,
Dorothy. Shall we sit down?

Yes, let's.

(laughing)

Sophia! After all this time.

I was hoping you'd come.

I wouldn't have missed it.

You still got those beautiful
eyes that light up a room.

I had cataracts.

Very becoming.

OK, OK, enough chit-chat.

I fixed it so all this will come
crashing down on your head.

What are you talking about?
I'm finally gonna get my revenge.

I put a curse on you.

There are no curses, Sophia!

That's a thousand miles
and a hundred years ago.

Sophia put a curse on me!

(chuckles)

(♪ jazz music)

Dorothy looks very
happy, doesn't she, Sophia?

You really came
through, Blanche.

I feel all warm inside.

This must be what
they call the joy of giving.

Feels a lot like cramps.

Cocktail wiener?

Aren't you nice?

Do you like jazz?

No, ma'am.

I've always felt

there was something
about a man with a tray...

Is it warm in here?

Would you just look at them?

They look good
together, don't they?

Well, I don't think so. I
think Dorothy's falling for him.

Little Miss Hard-To-Get
has been letting him lead.

I'm gonna go find
the men's room.

Oh, it's right down
the hall on your right.

Blanche, I want to thank you.

I am really having a good time.

You know, Dorothy,
there is a thin line

between having a good time

and becoming an
obvious wanton slut.

I know. My toe's
been on that line.

Sophia, I was hoping
we could dance.

Don't try to kissy
up. It's too late.

The blight is coming. A
plague on both your houses.

Actually, I have four
houses and a summer home.

Come on, Ma, calm down.

There's no curse.
Nothing's gonna happen.

How could you do that to me?

Why are you making such a thing?

Leave me alone! I hate you!

Uh, just a little
lover's quarrel.

Please go on with the party.

I better see what's wrong.

Care to dance?

Love to.

Can you believe that?

Was that worth waiting
70 years for, or what?

I love it!

The Mangiacavallo
curse is finally kicking in.

Vengeance is mine!

Do you think they'll let us
take home the centerpieces?

(♪ easy listening music)

Can you believe it?

She's been dancing with
him for the last half hour!

Don't let it get
to you, pussycat.

Oh, thanks, Ma.

All your whining is lousing
up the happiest day of my life!

Excuse me. Yes?

I couldn't help noticing.

How do you make your
eyes twirl around like that?

It's not hard. I just try to
think of two things at once.

Well, it's very attractive.

Have you always
been able to do it?

No.

Only at weddings. Excuse me.

Look at the way Blanche
is nuzzling up to him!

Look, I'm not gonna
take this lying down.

I don't think you're
gonna be invited.

If you'll excuse me, I
just want to fix my face.

Oh, I don't know
whether you've noticed,

but women usually
do this in pairs.

Sophia.

Am I the only one who feels
like ripping her clothes off

and doing the hokey-pokey?

No, Rose. I think
they're just waiting

for someone to get them started.

All right, Blanche.
What are you doing?

Just trying to make
myself even more attractive.

Pointless, isn't it?

I mean, what are you doing
with Doug? He is here with me.

Well, I know that.

I'm the one who set it up
in the first place, Dorothy.

By the way, he said some
very nice things about you.

I said you were gonna do this.

I knew you were gonna do
this, and now you have done it.

Dorothy, you are
starting to upset me.

Do you want to ruin
my whole evening?

After all, it's your
fault. How is it my fault?

Well, if you'd let me get
you somebody on my B-list,

I never would have
been so attracted to him.

No tissues. Listen,
Blanche, we have to talk.

Not now, Dorothy.

Suit yourself.

Dorothy, will you
let me out of here?

No way, Blanche. Oh!
Well, you can't do this.

It's a violation
of my civil rights.

You have the time,
you have the paper.

Why don't you sit down and
write a long letter to your senator?

I have a steady boyfriend,
and he's out of town,

so unfortunately
I'm not available.

Unless, of course,
you like jazz.

Well, I've got Dizzy
Gillespie back at my place.

Does he like jazz?

Why don't we find out?

Okey-dokey, daddio.

Sophia.

You still alive?

Sophia, please.

Joey's alone in
the bridal suite,

the bride is who knows where,

and the band doesn't
even know "Volare."

You've got to do something
about the curse, Sophia.

Oh, so now you believe?

I guess you can't get
away from your roots.

Why should I do this for you?

First you left me at the altar,

you shamed me,
you shamed my father.

You left me with a
sullied reputation.

But we didn't do anything.

Well, how do you think
that made me look?

I was a kid. I was scared that if
I got married and had a family,

I never would get
out of that village.

Leaving you was the
toughest thing that I ever did.

Yeah.

I was quite a dish back then.

Longest legs of
any girl in the village.

Dorothy, let me out
of here right now!

There's only one
way out, Blanche,

and I don't think you can
hold your breath long enough.

You're just making a
mountain out of a molehill.

Five years of
molehills. They add up.

I didn't know Doug
meant this much to you.

I'm not talking about
Doug, this is about you.

She asked me for another
chance, I gave it to her.

I trusted her. Biggest
mistake I ever made.

You're right, Aunt Dorothy,
you can't trust people.

Joey just told me
about some of the things

that went on at
his bachelor party.

(Blanche) Bachelor
parties can be fun.

Aunt Blanche?

Darling, you look lovely.

(whispers) Get help!

What you said about
not trusting people

made all the sense in the world.

I should go tell
Joey the same thing.

Honey, it may not
be the same thing.

Joey didn't lie to you.
He told you the truth.

I guess.

Sounds to me like you two

just had a little
misunderstanding.

Not five years of
deliberate betrayal of trust!

Dorothy, you do that one more
time, I'm gonna write on this wall,

"For a good time,
call Dorothy Zbornak."

Blanche, this is
the ladies' room.

Right!

Jen, honey, I think you
should go and talk to Joey.

The best thing to do in
any relationship is talk.

That's right... I have
nothing to say to you.

Sophia, I can't
believe that saying this

will right 70 years
of being wrong.

Just say it. It'll
make me feel better.

Sophia, I can't.

Do it.

(clears throat)

Uh, everyone? May I
have your attention, please?

This is Sophia Petrillo,

the girl who stood me up
at the altar 70 years ago.

And?

And I just asked her
to be my wife again,

and again she said no.

Go on.

And so, from now on... I'm gay.

OK. We're even. Now
let's go take care of the kids.

Ma, have you seen Rose?

She left with Doug.

Boy, were her eyes twirling!

How could she do
this to me? Uh, you.

Who did she do this
to? What's happening?

Oh, Blanche, don't you see?

We were supposed
to look after her.

We knew that she gets hot at
weddings. She was counting on us.

You don't look after
me when I get hot.

That's because I
also have a day job.

Here's the bridal suite.

I'll bless you in my
prayers for this, Sophia.

I might as well give them
the chance we never got.

Uh, this could take a
while. And it won't be pretty.

Did you ever see The Exorcist?

No. Good movie.

Well, here goes.

Oh, sorry, kids. Don't
stop on my account.

Curse is over.

(♪ ballroom music)

Dorothy, I wish
you'd talk to me.

I really do, 'cause what I
need is a good talking-to.

I don't care what you say,

just so long as you
care enough to say it.

You stink.

God bless you, Dorothy.

I don't want to talk about it.
I'm too worried about Rose.

I guess we weren't very
good friends to her, were we?

No, we weren't. Oh, I
hope she can forgive us.

She will. That's
what she does best.

You know, Blanche,
I owe you an apology.

How can I be high and mighty
about my friendship with you

when I can't do
Rose the simple favor

of keeping her out of trouble?

What I have to do is remember
you for the person you are,

and accept you for that.

I'm sorry, Dorothy,
what did you say?

I thought I had
established eye contact

with one of the guys
in the rhythm section.

Well, hello again.

Where's Rose?

You know, I don't
know what happened.

We got in the car, we
were going to my place...

Well, she wanted
to go to my place,

and then she didn't
want to go to my place,

and next thing I know we
were headed for the airport.

Oh, that is low!

Not only do you
take advantage of her,

but you take her to
the one area in town

that has the
cheapest motel rates.

Blanche, I took
her to the airport

so she could catch a plane
to be with this guy Miles.

He must really be something.

So is Rose.

So, either of you
ladies care to dance?

Doug! You left here
with another woman.

You were going to
take her to your place.

Now you come back here and
ask us if we still want to dance?

How can you do that?

It's still early.

Remember that
restaurant in Sicily

we used to go to on Sundays?

I'd save up all week for one
plate of pasta that we'd share.

The checkered tablecloths,

the candle in
the Chianti bottle,

bad paintings of the Colosseum.

You remember!

No, but the odds
were in my favor.

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