The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 5, Episode 22 - Cheaters - full transcript

Dorothy rekindles her romance with Glenn O'Brien, the married (now divorced) man she had an affair with several years ago.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

Morning. Morning, honey.

I had the strangest
dream last night.



I was at a baseball game.

Charlie Brown was pitching and
Schroeder was behind the plate.

And Lucy and Snoopy were in the
outfield and they wouldn't let me play.

When I woke up I was crying.

What do you
suppose it all means?

Peanuts envy?

Good morning. Hey, you
got home pretty late last night.

When I went to bed
you still weren't in.

I was up all night
with Mel Bushman,

having one of our "where is
this relationship going?" talks.

And where is it going?

Where it usually goes -
room 506 at the Quality Court.

Oh, I hate him.

God, if only he
didn't wanna talk.



Oh, by the way, right after I
got in, you got a phone call.

Oh... From a Glen somebody.

Glen O'Brien? Uh-huh.

Did he leave a number?
Who's Glen O'Brien?

He's the married guy she
shacked up with four years ago.

Look, I'm not
proud of what I did,

but it didn't seem
so bad at the time.

He was trapped
in a bad marriage.

There's no such thing as
being trapped in a marriage.

In this country you
can get divorced.

In Sicily there was no divorce.

If you wanted to end a marriage,
you had to resort to the lupara.

Is that some kind
of legal loophole?

It's some kind of
sawed-off shotgun.

Blanche, did he
leave a number? No.

Dorothy, dropping him was
the smartest thing you did.

What are you gonna do if he
calls again? Don't talk to him!

Why not? Four years is a
long time. Maybe he's divorced.

Do you think? Sure.
Why else would he call?

Stay away from him. See him.

Keep some self-respect.

Self-respect is for
losers like Rose.

Well, sure. You'd have some
great times and some fabulous sex,

but is that worth
your self-respect?

Not now, loser.

(phone rings)

Hello.

Oh, look. I'm sorry, I'm
going to have to interrupt.

I'm sure this is a very worthy
cause, but to be perfectly frank,

at this moment, I
couldn't give a flying fig

about whooping cranes.

No, I have to
keep the line free.

Fine. I'll send you a check.
Hold it, let me grab a pencil.

OK. Whooping Cranes... Box 1990,

Newcastle, Louisiana, got it.

Glad I could help. Bye-bye.

Blanche is taking me to
the mall. Wanna come?

I don't think so. You're not
teaching today. It'll be fun.

No, I think I'd just
rather sit here and read.

(phone rings)

Hello.

Oh, hi. Yes, I heard you
called. What a pleasant surprise.

Well... I'm pretty
sure I can make it.

Just let me check my book.

I seem to be clear.

He must have asked
her out this century.

Where?

Fine. Fine, all right. Bye-bye.

What did he say?

He said he had something
important to talk about.

Oh, that's my favorite lie.

Dorothy, you'll be sorry.

Ma, come on. We
liked each other.

He's a funny, warm, giving man.

He made me laugh.
I am seeing him.

All right. Go ahead,
meet your adulterer,

but remember you
were brought up a lady.

Keep both your
feet on the floor.

I'd go better change.
Blanche, what should I wear?

If you're gonna keep
both feet on the floor

something you can
pull off over your head.

I don't care what
that salesgirl said.

I looked good in
that bathing suit.

You know, sometimes
I wish I did live in Brazil.

Excuse me, did one
of you ladies drop this?

Is there any
money in it? Uh-huh.

I dropped it.

Sophia, you did nothing of
the kind. A lot of money in here.

That does look a little
bit like Sophia's wallet.

It's a man's wallet. Did either
of you see who did drop it?

Afraid not, no. There's
over $2,000 in here.

Whoever lost this must be found.
We should turn it in to lost and found.

Wait a minute! You're gonna
give that money to a guy

who makes two bucks an
hour watching umbrellas?

That's a good point.
Besides, there's no ID in here.

What if we put a notice in the
newspaper? After a certain amount of time,

if nobody claimed the
wallet, then we could...

Split it. Then
we could split it.

I know that is what I would want
people to do if I lost my wallet.

Sure. Hold it. Who's
gonna keep the money?

I don't know you well
enough to trust you.

And her I know. So
we got a problem.

This is
off-the-top-of-my-head stuff,

but maybe we're too
close to the problem.

Maybe we should ask somebody
who doesn't have a stake in this.

Maybe they could find
a solution. Dumb idea?

It's worth a try.

How about that nun over there?

What if she guilts us
into giving it to charity?

I think we can agree that
that's the last thing we wanna do.

On the other hand, she is a
shopping nun. She could be OK.

Excuse me. Sister. Yes.

These ladies and I found
a wallet with money in it.

But until the rightful
owner shows up to claim it,

we were wondering where
we could put it so it'd be safe.

In a bank? But whose bank?

Couldn't you open a joint
account in all your names?

I don't know. See, I really
don't know these people.

Well, maybe you could both put up
equal amounts of your own money

to show mutual good faith
and open up an account.

If the money isn't claimed,

you could withdraw
it and split it.

If it is, at least you've
made some interest.

Oh, that sounds too complicated.

I think it would work. I'd certainly be
willing to put up $2,000 of my money

if you two would
put up $1,000 each.

Thank you so much for
your help, sister. Go with God.

Sophia, I just don't
know. Come on.

Dorothy's bank
is right over there.

She lets me draw on her account.

If he's honest enough
to put up his money,

we should be willing
to do the same.

I guess it seems fair. OK.

Great. Let's go.

Sophia. Remember, found money is supposed
to be spent on something frivolous,

something you would
never buy for yourself.

What are you gonna
get? Underwear?

(door bell)

Dorothy. Hi.

You look very pretty. So do you.

Come in.

Nice place. Yeah, well...

I was left a little strapped
by the settlement.

Can I get you something
to drink? Settlement?

The divorce settlement. I got
to keep half my self-respect

and she got to
keep everything else.

Anyway, that's why
I had to talk to you.

I had to find out
how you were doing.

I'm fine. I'm fine.
I'm doing just fine.

Maybe I will have
just a glass of water.

Gee, it seems so strange not
meeting you in a hotel room.

I guess I shouldn't
steal the towels.

Ooh, towels. Yeah, I gotta
put that on my shopping list.

Right next to "soap"
and "broad with job."

I've missed you, Dorothy.

Good water.

I'm having a little trouble getting
used to the idea that you're divorced,

because I remember
you told me that

no matter how bad
the marriage was,

you felt that you were too old

to just leave it for
an uncertain future.

Kidding.

No. Actually, I didn't have any
choice in the matter. She divorced me.

What happened? She
found you with someone else?

No. She found herself
with someone else.

I can't say that I blame her. I mean,
there was really nothing left between us.

Since things are different now,

do you think there's any
chance we could start over?

I don't know. I mean,
you know, four years.

Is there someone else? No.

No, there's no one else. Good.

You know what's interesting?

I just read somewhere that
the cells in the human body

completely regenerate
themselves every seven years.

Isn't that interesting? Uh-huh.

I... I guess that means that
we're 40% of who we were,

you know, four years ago.

Dorothy. Yes.

Actually, it's four
and a half years,

so that makes it closer to 35%.

You know what? The last
thing my mother said to me

was that she wanted me
to keep my feet on the floor.

My mother wanted
me to be a priest.

I guess it's a bad
day for mothers.

Rose.

Hi, how did shopping go?

Great. Great. It was great.

Really great. Best
shopping ever.

I was just gonna
make some lemonade.

I bet you girls could
really use some.

(both) Great.

Okey-dokey.

Sophia, remember, we
swore we don't tell anybody.

Not even Dorothy? It
was her money. Nobody.

I just couldn't stand
the humiliation.

You want the world to know that a
perfect stranger tricked us out of $2,000?

OK, OK. I won't tell anybody.

You don't have to
worry about me, Blanche.

No one will get a word out of me. I
swear on my uncle Guido's grave.

Then the guy gave us the
envelope with his money,

our money, and the
found money in it.

Blanche and I went to
open the joint account

and when the teller
opened the envelope,

there were just scraps of paper
in it. I don't remember any more.

That's all you're gonna get from me,
no matter how many times you hit me.

Sophia, what about
your uncle Guido?

He's fine. I got a postcard
from him this morning.

You two were victims of the oldest
confidence game going - the pigeon drop.

But he just seemed so honest.

Well, that's why it's
called a confidence game.

He has to win your confidence

or you wouldn't
put up the money.

It wasn't his idea.
The nun suggested it.

She was part of the team.
They always work in pairs.

I don't know what the
church is coming to.

I thought it stopped with bingo.

That was no nun.

I work for a consumer
protection show.

We've been warning
people about this for months.

Once these scamsters have
your money in an envelope,

they make a switch and you
wind up with worthless paper.

They prey on the
old and the gullible.

Are you calling me gullible?

No.

There is one thing I think you should
both do right away - inform the police.

Oh, forget it.

The reason these confidence
men don't get caught

is because people are embarrassed to
come forward and admit they were conned.

I'm sorry, Rose. I just can't.

Well, perhaps this little story
might make you change your mind.

Back in St. Olaf...

there was a shepherd boy who tended
his flock on the hill above the town.

A wolf kept coming down
and stealing his sheep,

but the boy never
caught him doing it.

Because he never
saw it happening,

he became known around St. Olaf

as the boy who didn't cry wolf.

Anyway, one day the townspeople

heard the boy on the
hill yelling, "Wolf, Wolf."

Well, they all figured,

if the boy never cried wolf
when the wolf was there,

if he yelled wolf now,

it stood to reason
the wolf wasn't there.

Boy, nothing gets by you people.

Damn straight. It was a bear.

A huge, ferocious, grizzly bear.

What happened to the boy?

He became known as the
boy who cried continuously.

I just got off the phone with
Sergeant Delfino of the bunko squad.

They picked up two people who
matched the description we gave 'em.

They want us to
come down tomorrow

and pick out nuns from a lineup.

That must make you feel proud.

That's what
Sergeant Delfino said.

"Why, you must feel proud knowing
that by having come forth as you have,

you have possibly saved other
oldsters from a similar rip-off."

He called me an oldster.

I called him a pig.

We're having dinner on Saturday.

I really appreciate this -
your meeting my mother.

Hey, you wanna get married?

Instead of meeting my mother?

No. We can do both.

It's kind of sudden.

Think about it. I will.

I mean, this is
something to think about.

OK, let's go. Oh, God,
this is gonna be awful.

I'm looking forward to this.

You meet the mother, it
gives you a pretty good idea

what the daughter's
gonna look like in 30 years.

Only if you lock
me in the drier.

Everybody, this is Glen.

Glen, I'd like you to
meet... Don't tell me.

Rose, Blanche and Mrs. Petrillo.

These are for you.

Cannoli? What does an
Irishman know about cannoli?

When I was a kid in
Brooklyn, every Sunday,

my father used to go to
Zampano's bakery for cannoli.

I never dreamed you grew
up in Brooklyn. Oh, sure.

Our whole block was Irish.
The other block was Italian.

We used to take turns beating each
other up on the way home from school.

I think it's nice
when kids take turns.

Blanche, could I see you
in the kitchen for a minute?

Oh, sure.

I'll be right back, Glen.
I think you'll be OK.

So, Glen. How come
you cheated on your wife?

Wow. Straight to
Final Jeopardy, huh?

OK. Bernice and I had
been separated emotionally

for years when I met Dorothy,

and right or wrong,

I've never been anything but
grateful that that happened.

What else you wanna
know about me?

Sophia, I think it's time
you stopped subjecting

this nice man to
the third degree.

I had to check him out.
Dorothy's a smart, attractive girl,

but when it comes to
picking men, she's all thumbs.

But she's clean and
she's got good teeth.

Cannoli?

I had to tell somebody and I
couldn't wait another minute.

Glen asked me to
marry him. Pay dirt!

Well, are you gonna do it? I
haven't had time to make up my mind.

Don't dawdle. Men have
a very short memory span

when it comes to that question.

Sometimes they forget before
you can get your clothes back on.

Dorothy, Glen is such a charmer.

He and Sophia are
really getting along.

Can I tell her? Glen
asked Dorothy to marry him.

Do it. Oh, marry him, Dorothy.

Even if you have to sign one
of those prenatal agreements.

Oh, I'm so happy. Am I too
happy? Why am I so happy?

Is this too good to be true?

You are such a pessimist,
always looking on the dark side.

A fine pessimist
I'd be if I didn't.

Oh, girls. Group hug.

Ma, what are you doing up?

Just having a Maalox moment.

What about you?

Thinking about Glen. This
whole thing is so rushed.

Ma, I'm afraid.

I'm too old to make
another mistake.

I don't wanna make
a fool out of myself.

Pussycat, you're never too
old to make a fool of yourself.

Those were your exact words when I told
you I lost that money and you were right.

I never felt so stupid.

Of course, I would
have felt more stupid

if it had been my
money instead of yours.

Ma, what do you
think I should do?

No one can help you
with that decision, Dorothy.

I can't tell you what to do.

I mean, I won't
be around forever.

I'd like to know there
was someone here

to love you and take care of
you like you take care of me.

Maybe he could give
you a bigger allowance.

It's nice to buy something
that's not generic.

You know what
I'm saying, Dorothy?

Yes, Ma. And it's nice,

you saying you love
me and you care.

No.

I'm saying buy genuine Q-Tips.

If I'm gonna put
a stick in my ear,

I'd like a little
cotton at the end.

Remind me before you
leave... I went back to the bakery

and got your mother
some anis cookies.

You don't have to try so hard.

To be honest, I still can't believe
how much my mother liked you.

I liked her too. One
thing puzzled me though.

When you were
all in the kitchen,

why did she keep asking me if I'd
lost this wallet with 50 bucks in it?

My mom, the eternal girl scout.

You were very quiet
on the way over.

You gave me a
lot to think about.

Oh, come on. You
had to see it coming.

I just didn't expect it so soon.

So what do you say? Marry me
and take me away from all this.

(phone rings)

Excuse me.

Hello.

Oh, hello, Bernice.

No, I'm alone.

Well, what do you want?

Yeah, sure. I'll
sign 'em tomorrow.

OK. Bye.

"I'm alone"?

It's gonna take a while for
everybody to get used to this.

So what do you say?
Will you marry me?

I wanna get my life together. I'm really
no good being single. Just look around.

I am looking and listening,
and I can't help but remember

that I've been in
the room before

when your wife called and
you said you were alone.

Then you were cheating
on her. With you.

Yes. But I've also been Bernice
and have my husband call me

and he was always alone too.

I was married to
Stanley for 38 years

and for approximately
39 of those years,

he cheated on me.

I told a little lie because
it's gonna take her some time

to get used to the
idea of you and me.

Well, I'm going to need a
little time to get used to it too.

Look, I'm... I'm not
saying you're a cheat

or I'm not saying
that you're like Stan.

I don't know. Maybe there's
something wrong with me.

That I'm not
trusting enough but...

I'm gonna need some time.

So what are you telling me?
It's gonna be months or years?

Or maybe never?

Dorothy, if we were
both 25, I could wait

but I need someone
in my life now.

Are you sure that
you wanna marry me

or are you just
afraid to be alone?

Who wants to be alone?

Nobody. I don't.

But if you're marrying me

because I happen to
be on the top of the list,

then... maybe I
shouldn't be on the list.

So I guess this is it, huh?

I guess so.

I still love you,
Dorothy. I love you too.

If you change your
mind... If you change yours.

There's no reason why my
mother shouldn't have the cookies.

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