The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 5, Episode 21 - Sisters and Other Strangers - full transcript

Blanche thinks the risqué novel her sister Charmaigne has written is about her. Meanwhile, Dorothy argues with Stan's Czechoslovakian cousin Magda over Communism.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

Oh, Ma, come here. I
want you to taste this.


Wouldn't it be easier to put a
pillow over my face while I sleep?

Just set the table.

I'm expecting Stan and
his cousin any minute.

Oh, then this sauce is perfect.

Well, maybe just a
drop more disinfectant.

There! I'm done.

Boy, it sure took you a long
time to spell "Welcome Magda."

I thought that'd be too boring.

So instead I decided to depict
Magda's escape from Czechoslovakia.

But isn't that barbed wire?

Isn't it amazing what
you can do with icing?

Gee, you made that pack
of dogs look very realistic.

But Rose, the revolution in
Czechoslovakia was a peaceful one.

Nobody was chased
by a pack of dogs.

But they're good dogs, Rose.

You are not gonna believe this.

My sister Charmaine
just called me.

I didn't think the two
of you were speaking.

Well, we're not.

Then how did you know it was
her on the other end of the line?

Rose, you're bringing down
the curve for the whole country.

I just don't believe it.
She is coming to town

to promote a novel
she's just had published.

We're all invited to
a book-signing party.

Why, I can't believe she ever
read a book, much less wrote one.

(doorbell) They're here.

I just hope Magda
is nothing like Stan.

What am I gonna do
about my sister coming?

By the time she leaves Miami,

she'll be more
famous here than I am.

Honey, only if they
close the Sheraton.

Dorothy? Cousin Magda!

Such a beautiful home!

Who sleeps with
government official?

That would be my friend Blanche.

Pleased to meet you,
Magda. Thank you.

And this is my
mother, Sophia Petrillo.

So you're Stan's cousin.

Please don't hold it against me.

She's OK.

Sit down, sit down. Tell me,
where's Stan? Is he parking the car?

I take taxi. Stanley and
I have disagreement.

Oh? What about?

He saw himself as
human being. I disagreed.

The man is pig!
He charge me rent!

His own cousin.
I can believe that.

His rates are reasonable, but the way
he nickels and dimes you on the extras...

No, you're right. Stan is a lazy,
disgusting, sorry excuse for a man.

Now I stay here with you.

On the other hand,
I hear he's got cable.

But Dorothy, I
have nowhere to go.

I am stranger in strange land.

Oh, don't send
me to cheap motel.

You have to pay for
ice, just like at Stanley's.

Would it be all right
if she stayed with us?

A novel! How did my
sister publish a novel?

I think it's all right with
Blanche if you stay here.

You can have my
room, I'll sleep with Ma.

Good. Now when I wake up in the middle
of the night screaming I'll have a reason.

And you remember that time

Big Daddy caught us
skinny-dipping with those boys?

And you told him it was
our Bible study group

"just practicing baptizing."

It would've worked, too,

if you hadn't come up screaming:

"Hey, y'all, things look
bigger underwater!"

Maybe it's my imagination,
but we seem to be getting along.

I know!

You just seem so refined,

and vivacious, and charming.

Boy, you've really changed.

Thank you, Blanche.

Now, don't forget.

I'm gonna see you
later at the book signing.

Maybe I can get a
copy of your book there.

Well, it just so
happens... Oh, is this it?

Vixen: Story of a Woman.

Ooh, catchy title!

Would you like me
to sign it? Oh, sure!

Oh, imagine! An
autographed copy.

Will this make it
harder to exchange?

Just kidding.

"To my sister Blanche.

You have inspired me more than
you will ever know. Charmaine."

That is very sweet.

I guess we'll see each
other at the book signing.

Oh, I meant to ask you.

By any chance, do
you happen to know

what happened to Big
Daddy's pocket watch?

Virginia says you
took it after the funeral.

That pocket watch
meant so much to me.

Big Daddy promised
that watch to me.

In writing? It was in the will.

Is this the same will where
he promised the summer house

to Gopher from Love Boat?

No, this is the sober will.

All right, all right, you can
have the watch. It's in my room.

Oh, not now, I'm late. Just
bring it to the book signing, OK?

Well, bye, darling.

See you there.

Did Charmaine leave already?

Oh, Rose, honey,
what am I gonna do?

After all these years
of jealousy and malice

we finally have a
chance to be friends.

But now I've got
to read her book.

Why, if it's a piece of
junk I'll have to tell her,

and that'll just kill her.

Well, look on the bright
side. It could be good.

I was looking on
the bright side.

What a day.

What's the matter?
Where's Magda?

You mean Flora the Red Menace?

She's helping Rose unload
the car. Is something wrong?

I don't want to talk about
it. Magda is driving us crazy.

All she does is complain about
how awful things are in America.

Everywhere we went, something
bothered her. We showed her the mall...

She said we live in a
plastic society with no soul.

This was after I
bought her Beef Sticks

and spreadable cheese
from Hickory Farms.

Rose, everywhere you look the
rich take advantage of the poor.

How can you deny there
are inequities in this society?

Well, sure there are inequities,

but at least we treat
everybody the same.

There must be something about
this country you like. I like Slurpees.

Like 'em? That's your
fifth in the last hour.

They taste so
natural and fruitlike.

Oh, Blanche, I see you've started
Charmaine's book. How is it?

Honey, I don't know
if I can get through it.

You mean it's not
good? Oh, it's awful!

This book is
totally unbelievable.

The heroine, Vixen St. James,
is this shallow southern belle

who's vain, self-centered,

and a pushover for any
man that crosses her path.

Yeah, she's right.
That is unbelievable.

Oh. Oh... Oh! Ow!

You drank the Slurpee
too fast again, didn't you?

It's like knife
sticking in forehead.

The pain, it is...
it is... really good!

These Slurpees are
best thing about America.

Magda, how can you be
such an expert on America

when you've only
been here a few days?

I know that Communist
system is more fair.

How can you say that?

People all over the
world are realizing

that Communism doesn't work.

It worked for me. I had automatic
can opener, I had toaster,

and I was very near top
of list to get electricity.

For me, things were good.

Yeah, but if things were good
for you and bad for everyone else,

how is that fair? Comrade?

Don't tell me about Communism.

I know what I know.

I am a Communist.

This is terrible! I was
raised to hate Communists.

I remember in the early '50s
when McCarthy came to St. Olaf

to speak in the town square.

I was never so moved
by a public speaker.

Although some people thought
he was a puppet for the right wing.

No, wait. That was
Charlie McCarthy.

I'd have put money on that.

But still, St. Olaf's town motto
was "Better Ned than red."

Ned was sort of the town idiot.

When? On your days off?

What do you want me
to do? Throw her out?

Yes. And while you're
at it, ditch the Commie.

I don't believe this. I just don't
believe it. What's the matter?

Listen to this.

"Vixen stared at
herself in the mirror,

"her pouty lips,
her flaxen hair,

"her flawless alabaster skin.

"Her proud breasts
seemed to be saying,

'Is it just me or
is it cold in here?'"

So? Pouty, flaxen, proud?

What do you need? A
photograph? This book is about me!

I don't see Blanche.

She said she'd be over right
after her hair appointment.

She wanted to look her
best for Charmaine's big day.

Well, Blanche is handling
this a lot better than I would.

I would kill Gloria

if she ever wrote about
my sexual escapades.

You'd kill your sister
over a pamphlet?

So many books! I know.
This is a book store.

If you need me, I'll be in the
Bitter Children of Celebrities section.

Don't get lost. Too many books.

Too many contradictory
opinions next to each other.

This leads to anarchy.

These books
represent different ideas.

What's going to happen
now there is freedom?

The people in my country are going to
read all these books and be confused.

No, the way things
were, we knew what to do.

The choices were easy.

When there is one
road, no one gets lost.

Not necessarily. Back
in St. Olaf, there...


Is this a story about
getting lost? Uh-huh.

Well, don't tell us. Show us.

Magda, there are two
books I want you to read.

The first one is Thomas
Paine's Common Sense.

I think it'll give you some idea
of what freedom is all about.

And the second is Vanna
White's autobiography.

Why should I read this?
It's just a hell of a book.

Ma. Ma, I don't know how
much more of Magda I can stand.

We're so close to
the Bermuda Triangle,

it'd be a shame
for her not to see it.

You know, you really
can't blame Magda.

It's all this Communist ideology
that's been pumped into her.

I hate Communism. Of course
you hate Communism, Ma.

It's because you
were raised a Fascist.

Blanche, where have you been?

Blanche? Blanche?

Blanche! Oh, you
look just beautiful.

Thank you for coming.

Darling, I wouldn't
miss this for the world.

Did you get a chance
to read any of the book?

Every word.

Well, what did you think?

I should've known
I couldn't trust you.

That all that "let's be sisters"
stuff was just a bunch of bull.

You had no right to
use my life for your book.

To twist facts so that
beautiful, sacred love

became so much tawdry trash.

I earned that A in history!

For the first time in my life,

I'm ashamed to
be a Hollingsworth.

Vixen: Story of a Woman is nothing but
a vulgar collection of perverse sexual acts

that are sheer and utter filth!

(phone rings)


Oh, just a minute.

Blanche, it's for you.
It's Charmaine again.


Blanche, don't you think you should
talk to her? She's still your sister.

No. My sister has turned
into a deceitful old woman

whose only pleasure
is in hurting people.

No offense, Sophia.

None taken. Slut.

What really gets me is I
was willing to be friends.

But just as I start
to forgive and forget,

Charmaine turns my
life into a bestseller.

You know something,
Blanche? You're not the only one

who ever had a
problem with sisters.

When I was a kid, I had a
doll named Mrs. Doolittle.

And Gloria was
not supposed to...

Do we have to listen to that
damn Mrs. Doolittle story again?

So your sister broke your
doll. It was 50 years ago.

It was very traumatic.
She was my favorite doll.

I didn't talk to
Gloria for months.

But eventually, Blanche,

I realized sisters are
harder to replace than dolls.

So we made up, and I
vowed right then and there

never ever to fight over something
so childish and silly again.

My favorite!

I have a sister story I
think you'll find interesting.

She didn't just break it, she made it
so the eyes would never close again.

She made Mrs. Doolittle
look like a morphine addict!

There was a time in my life
when I wanted to leave St. Olaf.

I just didn't feel it was
big enough for me.

I had my eye on
the Great White Way.

So I went to St. Gustav,
the city that never naps.

That first night I walked
around in amazement.

They had their own Fotomat!

Of course, it wasn't as large
as the Fotomats you see today.

Now, here's the scary part.

Suddenly, I realized I
was this frightened little girl

alone in the big city.

Accident, my foot!

It started to rain, and I stood there in
the middle of the town square and cried.

Gloria was the one who
had to get the rabies shot.

I was a biter.

There I was, drenched,
and someone yelled out:

"Hey! Don't you have enough
sense to come in out of the rain?"

Well, then it hit me.

And when I went
home to St. Olaf,

I passed on this bit
of street-smart savvy.

The next thing you
know, in St. Olaf

the in thing was
coming in out of the rain.

I was the town celebrity.

Until the phrase "Watch
out for that tractor" caught on.

What in hell does this
have to do with sisters?

Didn't I mention? St. Olaf and
St. Gustav were sister cities.

And how did Mrs.
Doolittle's hair get singed?

Did it herself? I think not.

Now, I had very bad
fight with my sister once.

Oh, really? Tell us about it.

I turned her over
to secret police.

And? And what?

I turned her over to secret
police. No more to tell.

♪ When the moon hits
your eye like a big pizza pie

♪ That's amore

♪ When the world seems to
shine like you've had too much wine

♪ That's amore ♪

Ma, that's lovely.

What? Your singing.

That was me?

I was gonna ask you
to turn off the radio.

Ladies, ladies, I
have very bad news.

I must shorten my stay, Dorothy.
In fact, I'm leaving tomorrow.

Dorothy, move the coffee
table. I wanna do a cartwheel.

I must return to
Czechoslovakia immediately

because of something
very valuable I learned here.

You finally understood what I
was saying in the book store.

No, no. It was story Rose
told last night in kitchen

about going to St. Gustav,

learning to come
in out of the rain...

My very favorite doll.

Dorothy, let it go.

Anyway, that trip
changed her life.

Now I must have
courage to change mine.

I'm going back with
what I learned here.

It didn't change my
life, I just went home.

Shut up, she's leaving.

See, I left Czechoslovakia
because I was afraid of change,

afraid of the new freedom.

But now I see in America
freedom is change.

Always changing
for the better idea.

I want to be part of
the future of my country.

So I'm going home.

And you got that
part from my story?

No, Vanna White's book.

I told you.

Anyway, now I must
go pack my things.

And again, Rose,
thank you for story.

You know, isn't life funny?

Last night in bed I told myself:

"Nobody listens to your
stories, Rose, quit telling them."

And I swore I would never tell
another story as long as I lived.

And then you hear
something like this,

and you realize these
stories make a difference.


You know, something sort of like
that happened to Hans Fliegelfleister.


I hope it's Death.

Get it, Rose. Okey-dokey.

Charmaine! Blanche, look
who's here. It's Charmaine.

Oh, good. Ringside seats.

What do you want? Among
other things, your apology.

Well, unless I
missed a newsflash,

hell did not freeze over today.

Anything else?

Yes. Big Daddy's pocket watch.

That watch is a family heirloom.

As far as I'm concerned
you're no longer family.

I believe you said
it was in your room.

Which room is that?

Turnstile at the
end of the hall.

So, anyway, Hans

Get out of my room!

Not till I find that
watch. Now, where is it?

I'll never tell. Unlike
you, who tells everything.

You had no right to use
me, to rip off my life for profit.

I wish my bank account
was as big as your ego.

Now, you listen,
and you listen good.

My book is based on my life.

Oh, that book just drips
Blanche Devereaux.

Only the names have been
changed to protect the satisfied.

You think you're the only one

who wakes up to
smiles and roses?

Well, how about
that inscription?

How I'd inspired you
more than I'll ever know?

Oh, I write the same
thing to everybody.

Just like signing
yearbooks, remember?

You always wrote the same thing.

"You were the first."

Wrote it, hell. I
had a stamp made.

Oh, I guess I've
just been a fool.

Blanche, we're
an awful lot alike.

Too much alike. It's probably
why we never got along.

That also might be the reason

why you thought the
book was about you.

My God, you're right. Oh, uh...

Except for that part
where Vixen is terrified

of losing her looks
and growing old alone.

I have never felt like that.

Course! Me neither.

That's what makes it fiction.

You remember the
other day when you said

you thought it was time
that we were friends again?

I believe I'm ready to try.


Oh, Blanche!

Come on, I'll make
you a big cup of coffee.

Oh, darling, I
smudged your makeup.

Oh, I messed up your hair.