The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 5, Episode 20 - Twice in a Lifetime - full transcript

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

Thank you.

Pussycat, I'm going out. Can
you give me some money?



What happened to the
money I gave you last night?

Let's see.

Ten bucks went for cover charge,

ten bucks went for
a round of drinks.

And the other ten
went into the G-string

of a very cute male
dancer named Mr. Big.

I know that guy.

That's just a stage name.

Ma, I don't like this new crowd
that you're hanging out with.

Why are you with these people?

They're the in-crowd.

Look, the Senior
Citizens' Center

is divided into three cliques -

the hip group, the
not-so-hip group



and the broken hip group.

Which group would
you wanna be in?

Ma, when I was a kid,

you told me it wasn't important
to be in a popular clique.

You always said,
"Just be yourself."

Sure, that was because
no one liked you.

This is why, when I was a
kid, I had an imaginary mother.

I can't believe it. Buzz
Mueller just called.

He's in town. Buzz Mueller?

I haven't seen Buzz
in almost 40 years,

since we were
dating in high school.

Rose, I didn't think you
dated anyone before Charlie.

Actually, it was
while I dated Charlie.

Rose Nylund.

You were in a love
triangle and never told us.

I didn't think you'd
be interested.

But you were certain
that we'd be interested

in the story about
little Yimminy,

the boy who was
raised by a wild moose?

May I remind you, Dorothy,

that moose didn't just
raise little Yimminy,

he put him through
medical school.

Why were you dating Buzz
at the same time as Charlie?

Because I didn't know
which one I liked better.

They were so different.

Charlie liked to do all
the typical teenage things.

When we'd go to a drive-in
movie, he'd hide me in the trunk

so we only had to
pay admission for one.

After the movie
he'd drive me home,

let me out of the trunk
and tell me all about it.

But I was looking for
someone more exciting.

That's when Buzz came along.

He was St. Olaf's heppest cat.

A musician - you know the type.

He once put a whole box of
Chiclets in his mouth on a dare.

Cool.

Well, I almost married Buzz.

We were talking about it when he
got a call from the Spike Jones Band.

They need someone to
make the whoop sound

when Spike dropped his pants.

Just before he went to New
York, Buzz told me he'd be back,

but I never saw him again.

I waited for a while, but
one gig led to another...

Meanwhile, Charlie
and I got closer.

You know what
happened after that.

Well, did Buzz ever get married?

No. He just traveled the
world playing his music.

So how did you
finally get over Buzz?

I never really did entirely.

To this day, whenever I
see a man drop his pants,

some little part of me
wants to go whoop!

I know what you mean.

Ma, we need to talk.

I waited up for you
until two in the morning.

And you still weren't home.

Oh, yeah. Gertie and
I and some of the girls

went to Wolfie's
to pick up guys.

I called Wolfie's at
11. You weren't there.

Guess who got lucky? Oh, God.

What can I tell you? A couple of
egg creams, the fluorescent lights,

and a retired jeweler
named Schlomo

all conspired to make
a night of enchantment.

Not for me.

I can't tell you some of
the horrible thoughts I had

about what might
have happened to you,

although none as horrible
as what you just described.

You're making too
much of this. No, I'm not.

Ma, I'm putting my foot down.
I don't like this new crowd.

So from now on I
want you home at 11.

They're my friends
and I like them.

I'm sorry, Ma. This is
the way it's going to be

as long as you're
living with me.

Good morning. Blanche,
I'm giving you 30 days' notice.

What? I don't wanna live
under this roof anymore.

I'm moving.

Don't give it a second thought.

Good morning, ladies.

Good morning, Miles.
How was the bird-watching?

Oh, Blanche, it was thrilling.

Have you eve seen a purple
martin early in the morning?

Yes, I have.

Martin Gelman.

Mr. "Watch me leapfrog
over this parking meter."

Well, Rose, you wanna
go see a movie tonight?

Actually, I'm expecting an
old boyfriend from high school.

His name's Buzz Mueller and
I haven't seen him in 40 years.

But if this really bothers you?

Oh, no. I totally understand.

It's too bad. I was gonna
take you to see Henry V.

It's just as well.

I always think by the time
they get to number five,

those sequels get
pretty predictable.

Goodbye, Rose. Goodbye.

I can't believe
you told him that.

But it's true.

Did you doubt for a minute Rocky
was gonna beat that Russian?

I mean didn't you leave
out some important details

about your
relationship with Buzz?

No. She did exactly
the right thing.

I never tell men about my past.

Why? Takes too long.

(doorbell)

Rose. Buzz.

You're blonde.

You let your eyebrows grow back.

You like 'em? Love 'em.

You are incredibly beautiful.

Oh, thank you, Buzz.

These are my roommates,
Dorothy and Blanche.

Hello, there.
Pleased to meet you.

Tell me, Buzz,

is "Buzz" short for something?

No. Actually, it's not an
unusual name in St. Olaf.

Everybody in my
family is named Buzz.

Buzz and I are
going out to lunch.

You're kidding?
Buzz is here too?

Sorry, girls. This one's mine.

Ma, you're still here? I
thought you were moving.

I will be, smarty-pants.

I found out about this agency that
matches elderly people with roommates.

(phone rings)

Hello.

Hi, Miles.

Oh, I'm sorry. I
can't make it tonight.

I have a 24-hour Buzz... bug!

Well, I'll call you tomorrow.

Thanks. Bye-bye.

I should have told him
I have a date with Buzz.

God, I hate me right now.

What a shame. We finally have
something in common and I'm moving.

I've never done
anything like this before.

Tell me, is it possible

to love two men
at the same time?

Set the scene. Have
we been drinking?

Rose, are you saying
that you love Buzz?

I don't know,

but these last few days with
him have been wonderful.

(doorbell) When I'm with
him it feels like old times.

Hi, adorable. Ladies.

Wow, you're the
first sighted person

I've ever seen
in a suit like that.

I'm dressed like this because the band
just had a rehearsal for our European tour.

It's a beauty.

Rose, how about some ice cream?

You ladies care to join us?

No thanks. We don't
wanna spoil our dinner.

Not that that outfit hasn't
done a good job already.

Buzz, I'm not sure I should go.

You see, I haven't been
totally honest with you.

I'm involved with someone else.

His name is Miles and
he means a lot to me.

Rosie, I never should
have left you 40 years ago.

I can still see you
standing on the platform

as the train started to roll by.

Remember, Rose? You
were walking alongside,

tears rolling down your cheeks.

When the train picked up a
little speed, you started to run.

Suddenly you were out of sight.

It was very painful for me.

For me too.

I ran face first into
the crossing signal.

Rose, have dinner
with me tonight.

You know, Miles can have
you for the rest of his life,

but I've only got tonight.

OK. But I don't want you
to stand out in that outfit.

I'll go change into
something plaid.

Hi, girls. Hi, Rose.

How was dinner with Buzz?

He asked me to go
to Europe with him.

Rose, what about Miles?

I don't know. I
honestly don't know.

For some reason, Buzz just
doesn't wanna take Miles with us.

Well, I'm leaving. I found
a compatible roommate.

There's my new
address and number.

Come on. Ma, you're joking.

It's no joke.

Ciao, auf Wiedersehen,
arrivederci and sayonara.

Gee, she could have
at least said goodbye.

Oh, it's you. I thought maybe
Sophia had come home.

Oh, no. She'll be
back in the morning.

She's trying to teach me a
lesson. I know my mother.

Oh, really? You're the one who said
she wasn't gonna leave in the first place.

Dorothy, it's not just
your mother who left.

I feel like she's my mother too.

I know, honey, but don't
worry. She'll be back.

Now that she's gone, who am I
gonna go to in the middle of the night

with my deepest
personal problems?

Wait a minute. You went to my
mother's room in the middle of the night?

Many, many times. Two
or three times a week.

And she was always
so kind and comforting.

I don't understand.

Every time I'd knock
on her door late at night,

she'd say, "Not now.
I'm watching Bob Costas."

Sophia doesn't have a
TV in her room. I know.

Then after we'd
finished talking,

she'd always give me a piece of
hard candy and a kiss goodnight.

I can't sleep. And what's worse,

I went to Sophia's
room for one of our talks

and then I remembered she
left, thanks to you, Dorothy.

You had late-night
talks with my mother?

All the time. And she
gave you hard candy?

No. I'd ask,

but she was always
afraid I'd choke on it.

We just gotta get her back.

Don't worry. One sleepless
night in a strange bed

will be enough for her.

In the morning, I'll go
over and bring her back.

Sophia's not the only one with
a sleepless night ahead of her.

To tell you the truth, I don't
know what to do about Buzz.

This might be a
second chance at love.

I'm thinking of going
to Europe with him.

Rose, quite
frankly, I don't get it.

What is this hold that
Buzz has over you?

I know exactly what
she's going through.

First love can be very powerful.

I felt the same way
about Hayward Boyle,

the star pitcher on our
high school baseball team.

An amazing athlete.

That boy had
exceptional control.

He was always
up for extra innings.

And his delivery...

All right, Blanche. Enough!

Yeah, we get it.

So what was he like in bed?

Good morning, Maria.
Good morning, Mrs. Petrillo.

Did you have trouble
sleeping? No. Why?

Last night I woke up and you
were sitting on a chair in my room.

Oh, yeah. Well,
where I used to live,

the bathroom was
across the hall.

Sorry. It won't happen again.

Should I draw your bath?

I can draw my own bath. I
can do everything by myself.

OK, Mrs. Petrillo.
You're the boss.

Look, I'm not the boss. I'm
a poor immigrant from Italy

and I feel uncomfortable having
somebody wait on me hand and foot.

(doorbell) (both) I'll get it.

Sit.

Oh, my God.

Oh, Dorothy, look at this. Oh!

What do you want?

Well, we were just
in the neighborhood.

We thought we'd stop by
and see if you need anything.

Obviously better security.

Oh, Dorothy, the art in
this room is magnificent.

I know. I work in a
museum. I'm an art expert.

Look at this Renoir.

Actually, that's a Seurat.

His signature style
was pointillism.

Notice how the
little dots of color

seem to blend
together from a distance.

Oh, yeah.

Wanna see the Jackson
Pollock in the john? I'd love to.

Come on. I gotta
scrub the toilet anyway.

Ma, we have to talk.

There's nothing to talk about.

Oh, here's my
roomie. Hi, Malcolm.

Who's Malcolm? You are.

OK.

Ma, he's a man.

I didn't know you
moved in with a man.

What difference does it
make? He's over 100 years old.

I'm not sure he
knows I'm a woman.

I think Amos and Andy
are on the wireless tonight.

What do you say we stay
home and laugh our asses off?

Malcolm, I told you I'm
going out with the girls tonight.

Yeah, you always were
the ladies' man, Tommy.

Ma, are you happy here?

Sure. I live in a palace.

I got a maid. It's a
dream come true.

Look, Ma, I want
you to come home.

I miss you. We all miss you.

Ma, we're your family
and you belong with us.

Can I still hang out
with my friends? No.

Wrong answer. Ma.

I'm not being arbitrary.
I am worried about you.

All your friends
are in their 80s.

You're driving at night,
sometimes in bad weather.

You go to restaurants
and eat spicy food

and you're sick for three days.

I'm sorry, Ma. I
just can't say yes.

Bye. Ma.

Ma!

You must be Tommy's boy.

How's the team look this year?

(doorbell)

Coming.

Miles, what are you doing here?

Rose, I want the truth.

There's something going
on between you and Buzz.

Yes, Miles, there is
something going on.

I'm just not sure what it is.

(doorbell)

There's someone
at the door, Rose.

(doorbell)

Rose, aren't you going
to answer the door?

Hi, cutie.

Hello.

Buzz, this is
Miles. Miles, Buzz.

So you're Buzz?

So you're Miles?

You're Buzz.

You're Miles.

Buzz.

Miles.

Rose. Huh?

Rose, I'd like to have a
few words with you alone.

I'm sure Buzz won't mind.

I'll wait out on
the lanai, pumpkin.

So...

is this the end of the
road for us, pumpkin?

Oh, Miles. Can't you see I'm
overwhelmed? I'm confused.

I don't know what I'm
doing anymore. Fine.

Let me help make
it easy for you.

Dump Buzz.

Miles, I know it's asking a lot,

but I'm gonna need a
little time to figure this out

All right. OK.

I understand. It's just the
thought of losing you, Rose.

It scares me.

I love you, dammit. I
want us to be together.

We should be together
because we wanna be,

not because I boxed you
into a corner with an ultimatum.

You take all the
time you need, Rose.

I'll be waiting.

Coast clear? Yeah.

Buzz, I've been thinking.

Why don't we spend some
time getting to know each other

before we go
rushing off to Europe?

I know all I need to know.

Oh, now, look. If you
need a little bit more time,

why don't I go to Europe,
do what I have to do

and then I'll come back for you?

That's exactly what you
told me 40 years ago.

You never came back.

Yeah, but you got married.

I figure we both made
mistakes. We're even.

I don't think I made a mistake.

I wouldn't trade in my time
with Charlie for anything.

I'm glad I didn't wait
for you then, Buzz.

And I'm not gonna wait
for you this time either.

Well... I guess I'd
better get going.

All right, you! Get your
hands off my woman!

Don't hit me, don't
hit me, don't hit me!

I'm in the arts.

Miles. I'm not finished, Rose.

I take back what I said before.

I'm not gonna sit around
eating my heart out

while you date somebody else.
I want you to stop seeing Buzz.

Okey dokey.
Because if you don't...

I'm sorry, but what did you say?

I said okey dokey.

Okey... Okey...
I can't believe it.

After all these years
of being sensitive,

I barge in here like
some macho jerk,

and I get exactly what I want.

Oh, Miles, I find this
side of you very exciting.

Well, it's the jungle cat in me.

I'll try to keep it carefully
hidden, of course.

(growls)

Oh, my God. Now she's
with the other boyfriend.

It's like living with Cher.

Ma. Sophia, you're here.

You have your suitcase. Does
that mean you're moving back?

I don't get it. I'm
gone a few days

and the dumb one's in
there acting like a slut,

while the slut's in
here being stupid.

Of course I'm back.

Ma, it's so good
to have you home.

And I was wrong.

I have no right to tell
you how to run your life

or who your friends should be.

I mean, you're obviously
doing something right.

You've made it to 83.

I guess it's just me
trying to hold on to you.

No.

You were right, Dorothy. I
was with the wrong crowd.

By the way, if anyone
asks, I was here last night.