The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 5, Episode 19 - 72 Hours - full transcript

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

What an idiot! Of all the
lamebrained, moronic dopes.

If ever I wanted to reach
right through the phone



and strangle somebody.

Not really a morning
person, are you, pussycat?

It's this caterer that I hired

for my Save the
Wetlands banquet.

He's a week late with the menu,

now he tells me that he's going
to serve wild duck and crayfish.

They come from the wetlands.

It's like holding a Save
the Whales function

on a Japanese trawler.

Is there an open bar?

You know, Ma, that's
part of the problem.

Nobody cares.

Do you realize what would
happen if there were no swamps?

New Jersey wouldn't
have a state smell.



I'm just in over my head.

What with the
banquet, press releases,

petitions to be signed.
Ma, what am I gonna do?

I'll help.

Blanche, that's
sweet, but, honey,

aren't your hands tied with all the
work that you're doing for... you?

I know I'm not always
the first one to volunteer,

but I happen to have
an affection for bayous.

Matter of fact, I
became a woman in one.

I thought you lost it
in a hot-air balloon.

I thought you lost it
at a pancake breakfast.

Well, those don't count.

I mean, they did at the time,

but this is the definitive
where-I-lost-my-virginity story.

It's really nice of you to share
something so personal with us, Blanche.

In a bayou? You slut.

Mail call.

Oh, Rose. You're
here. That's good.

I am absolutely snowed
under with this wetlands thing.

And, as usual, I know
I can count on you.

I'm sorry, Dorothy.

What? But Rose,

you always help
out with these things.

You're involved
in all the charities.

You send a contribution
to Save the Rich.

I have charity-work
burn-out, Dorothy.

In the last three months I have helped
with raffles and bake sales and car washes.

I have to draw the line.

Well, I guess I'll
manage somehow.

What is it, Rose?
Is something wrong?

I'm not sure. St.
Luke's hospital

wants me to come in
for some kind of test.

That's where I had my
gallbladder out six years ago.

Can I see it, Rose?

They throw organs
out after surgery.

The letter, Rose.

Oh.

Hm.

Seems you had a transfusion
while you were there.

The hospital thinks the blood

may have contained
HIV antibodies.

HI... V?

Wait a minute. You're
talking about AIDS.

This has to be some kind
of mistake. Don't panic.

There's just a possibility.
This is a precaution.

Well, what do I do? We just call up
the hospital and make an appointment.

Everything will be fine.

You think so?
Why, I'm sure of it.

Now, let's plan
Dorothy's fundraiser.

Hey, I know what would be fun.

Uh, Blanche, we're gonna try to
raise all the money in one night.

I know.

Yes, but this is a
very important...

Yes. Yes, I understand.

I understand.

Oh, boy. Some people.
What's wrong, Blanche?

Nobody gives a damn about
this Save the Wetlands thing.

I sat in our booth of ours
at the mall for three hours.

Not one soul came by
and asked for information.

What we need is some
kind of swamp gimmick, like...

"Guess how many
leeches are in the jar."

I don't think so, Blanche.

All right, then. How
about a celebrity auction?

Hey, if you could buy a
celebrity at an auction,

I'd be showering every
morning with Trini López.

Ma, I didn't know
you liked Trini López.

I don't, but who can I
afford on a fixed income?

You don't understand, Sophia.

A celebrity auction is
where famous people

donate personal items
to bid on for charities.

That's a great idea,
Blanche, but it's a little late.

I mean, how are we
gonna find celebrities

to donate stuff
and donate it fast?

I can pull some strings.

It so happens I know
some famous people.

Who? I don't want to
divulge his name, but...

I'll give you a clue.

I know what the F stands
for in William F. Buckley.

Does someone want to
drive me to the hospital?

Your appointment's
not for three hours.

Well, I'd like to
get there early.

But if you don't want to
take me, I'll go without you.

I might as well get
used to being by myself.

What does that
mean? Well, come on.

If that test turns out positive,
you won't want to be around me.

You or Miles or anybody.

Now, that is not true.

And I'm sure Miles
will feel the same way.

How am I gonna tell him? You
don't have to tell him anything now.

You're just going for a test.

It's not just a test, Dorothy.

I know just how you feel.

I remember how nervous
and scared and panicked I was

when I went to that neurologist
to have my memory tested.

How did you handle it?

Well, usually, I
add a cup of bleach.

Can I help you? I think so.

I have a two-o'clock appointment
for an AIDS blood test.

My name is... Well, it's...

You know, we
encourage anonymity,

so if you'd like to give us a
fictitious name for our files.

Oh, that'd be great.

Dorothy Zbornak.

Fine. We'll call you in.

You'll be seeing a
counselor and then the doctor.

Meanwhile, just
take a seat, Ms...

Zbornak. Dorothy Zbornak.

Z-b-o... Let's go, Dorothy.

Boy, this is creepy.
I mean, fake names.

Well, honey, it make sense.

People who test positive

have trouble getting
insurance, jobs.

It's terrible.

The whole process is
terrible. I wish it were over.

It will be soon.

I haven't been this
scared since 1952,

when St. Olaf's most active
volcano threatened to erupt.

Luckily, there were some
Druid priests who were in town

for the opening of
Stonehengeland.

They said they could stop it

if they could sacrifice
the town's dumbest virgin.

I don't know why
I raised my hand.

It must have just been the
excitement of the moment.

But they said the only
way to prevent the eruption

was for me to crawl through
their legs, up the volcano,

while they gave me
my birthday whacks.

Well - and you're not
gonna believe this -

it turns out they weren't
Druid priests at all.

Just a bunch of Shriners
looking for a good time.

That's a scary story, Rose.

Why don't they call me?

I want to get this
over and go home.

Rose. Come here, honey.
Come here. We need to talk.

What, Blanche?

This is the kind of thing
I tend to keep to myself,

but I want you to know.

I got tested too, so I know
what you're going through.

What did you do?
Well, I just had the test,

and then I had a nice
long talk with myself

about being with so many men,

and now when I'm with a man,

I know his complete
history and...

we take all the
necessary precautions.

I just wanted you to know

I understand this
is not an easy time.

Thank you, Blanche.

Mrs. Zbornak.

Dorothy Zbornak?

Rose.

Well, this is it.

All right, darling, come
on. I'll go with you.

Dorothy.

Ma! Where have you been?

I always think it's nice
when you're in a hospital

to walk around and
cheer people up.

Ah. That's nice, Ma.

So after I had my
prescription filled,

I went to up to
Geriatrics and sang

"Anything You Can
Do, I Can Do Better."

Ma.

What a tough crowd.
They threw Jell-O at me.

If you could call that throwing.

What are you reading?

This pamphlet on
AIDS and teenagers.

It's really so discouraging.

Parents don't talk to
their kids about sex.

This is so important you'd think
they'd get past their embarrassment.

Thank God I was one of
those progressive parents.

I was amazed at how you
used those technical terms.

You told me never to let a
boy touch me "you know where."

And you spelled "where."

Maybe I used to be old-fashioned,
but times have changed.

So when I was at the pharmacy
I bought you some condoms.

Your boyfriends are
supposed to put them

you know w-h-e-r-e.

Rose, I wish I knew what to
say to make you feel better.

Say I'm OK.

You know, we always
tend to think the worst

so that when the
news does finally come,

it's never as bad as we
thought it was gonna be.

Well? Well...

the good news is you appear
to be in fine physical shape.

Do you have any more questions?

Of course. Do I have it?

We'll have the results when
you come back in three days.

Three days? What
are you talking about?

I expect when I go to a hospital
for an AIDS test to find out.

I'm sorry. I wish it was faster,

but it takes us
that long to be sure.

I thought you knew.

Well, I didn't know.

First you give me that transfusion,
and now you tell me this.

Honey, I guess there's
really not much you can do.

Well, sure there is.
There's plenty I can do.

Like, sit around the
house for the next 72 hours,

scared to death
he's gonna tell me

I have something
that's gonna kill me.

How am I gonna do that, Blanche?

How am I gonna get
through the next three days?

Thank you.

What do you mean,
you're canceling?

Is there anything I can
say to change your mind?

I understand. Yeah.

Goodbye.

Swell. Now I don't have
a band for the banquet.

What happened? They decided
to play at the Free Noriega benefit.

Hi, girls.

Rose, what were you doing
out so early this morning?

I couldn't sleep so I
went for a spin last night.

To Alabama.

Blanche, do you know at
a truck stop in Tuscaloosa

they have an egg
dish named after you.

Really? How are they prepared?

Overeasy.

Rose, are you OK?
I'm fine. Never better.

In fact, I'm so fine
that I've decided

not to even get my results.

Oh, now, Rose... Oh!

Look at all this stuff
for the celebrity auction.

Linda Evans' compact.
Now, look, Rose...

What about the dress Jamie Farr
promised us from M♪A♪S♪H♪?

It hasn't come yet.
But he promised.

Honey, we have a lot
of other stuff. It's OK.

No, it's not.

He let you down.
Well, I'm not surprised.

You couldn't trust Klinger on
guard duty, you can't trust him now.

Rose, take it easy.

Oh, I'm the one who's
supposed to take it easy? Me?

When the Klingers of the
world are kicking us in the teeth.

Rose, you're hysterical. Wait,
I've seen this in the movies.

How could he do this?
What is wrong with the man?

Ma, you almost got it.

Listen, I think we're all
under a little stress here.

Now, I have an idea.

How about lunch
and a movie? My treat.

Why not? I still have
another 52 hours to kill.

Oh, this is rough.
I feel terrible.

Yeah, I really feel guilty.
Jamie Farr's dress did come.

I just remembered
where I put it.

Where? How do I look?

Ma, what were you doing in
my bathroom for two hours?

The hokey-pokey. What
do you think I was doing?

Why were you using my bathroom?
There's something wrong with mine.

What? Rose used it.

Ma, that is just
ignorant paranoia.

Hey, I'm making progress. Yesterday I used
the bathroom down at the Shell station.

It's attitudes like
that that add to the

panic about this. Now,
what is wrong with you?

Hey, one little slip and
you're all over my back.

It won't happen again. Relax.

Why is there an R on
some of our coffee cups?

Uh, R for "Regular."
Blank ones are decaf.

I don't believe you. Look.

I know intellectually
there's no way I can catch it.

But now that it's so
close to home, it's scary.

Well, Sophia, I'm afraid you're
just gonna have to get over that.

I'll try. I'll try.

I'm usually not like this.

I've been using your
toothbrush for months.

Hi, Rose. What's going on?

Oh, I'm just sitting
here kicking myself

for not taking care
of my gallbladder.

For going to that
hospital for the operation,

and for letting them give
me blood without asking first:

"Oh, excuse me, are you sure
this isn't gonna kill me one day?"

Now, now, Rose. Take it easy.

Why does everyone
keep saying that?

I don't feel like
taking it easy.

I might have AIDS,

and it scares
the hell out of me.

Yet every time I open
my mouth to talk about it,

somebody says, "There,
there, Rose. Take it easy."

I'm sorry, honey.
Why me, Blanche?

I'm tired of
pretending I feel OK

so you won't say "Take it easy."

And I'm tired of you
saying "Take it easy"

'cause you're afraid
I'm gonna fall apart.

Dammit. Why is this
happening to me? I mean...

this isn't supposed to
happen to people like me.

You must have gone to
bed with hundreds of men.

All I had was one
innocent operation.

Hey! Wait a minute.

Are you saying this
should be me and not you?

No. No, I'm just saying
that I am a good person.

Hell, I'm a goody two shoes.

AIDS is not a bad
person's disease, Rose.

It is not God punishing
people for their sins.

You're right, Blanche.

You're damn straight I'm right.

I'm sorry I yelled at you.

Don't apologize.
This is what I want.

Oh, God. This waiting
is driving me crazy.

Blanche, when you were tested,
how did you make it through?

Just kept it to myself

and acted like a real
bitch to everybody else.

No wonder we never knew.

These three days
are killing Rose.

What she needs from
us are calm heads.

Then that's what she'll get.

Oh, God. You gave me an R cup!

Ma, will you stop that? Here.

Listen, we are the only
family Rose has here,

so we have to help her through
whatever she's going through.

Right. Sure.

So, here's to Rose.

Whatever happens,
whatever those tests show,

we're here for her.

Dorothy, gimme that.

Oh, Rose, excuse me.

I didn't know you were out here.

It's OK, Dorothy.
I was just praying.

Trying to put in a good word for
tomorrow. What are you doing?

Oh, just working on this stupid
flier for my stupid banquet.

It's not important.

Sure it is. It's OK, Rose.

No, it is important.
What's the matter?

I've rewritten this
thing three times,

and the most persuasive
slogan I can come up with is:

"Save our swamps.
No, really, we mean it."

I like it. No, you don't.

No, I don't.

It sounds like I'm
selling mosquitoes, Rose.

Not that they don't
serve a purpose.

All life is precious.

I care about our wetlands.

I just wish they were
more glamorous, you know?

I mean, I'm trying to save
something that you can't go into

without wearing hip boots.

Well, some people might chuckle,

but I think what you're
doing is important.

I mean, people laughed
at me back in St. Olaf

when I spearheaded the drive
to get our very own missile silo.

Oh, sure, some gloomy Gusses

muttered about
the plutonium thing.

But I figured if we could
make our sleepy little hamlet

into a first-strike target,
it would help tourism.

You know, it sounds like we both
have a little trouble with groups.

Maybe so.

You know that, in school, I
actually joined the math club

so I could meet guys.

Really. Oh, I can beat that.

I joined the Four-H
Club to be hip.

The Aldo Ray fan club.

I can beat that too. What?

No, I can't. That's pretty bad.

That felt good.

It's been a bad week.

It'll get better.

It's weird.

I wanted those three days
over, and now that they are,

I kinda feel I'd like
some of it back.

I mean, any second,
that door is gonna open,

and that doctor is
gonna tell me my future.

Your future's gonna be filled
with nothing but joy and laughter.

Thank you, Sophia.

Don't thank me, thank
The Miami Herald.

It's your horoscope.

Good morning,
ladies. Good morning.

I hope you don't mind.
These are my friends.

Not at all.

Your test results were
fine, Mrs. Zbornak.

Oh, that's great!

Well, sure, that's
great for you, Dorothy,

but what about me?

Rose. Rose, you used
my name. You remember?

Right!

Well, then, I'm fine too.

I'm fine! Oh, thank you, God.

I wish you'd told
me on the phone.

The last couple of hours
were the hardest. I know.

But even people
who test negative

often need more counseling.

Oh, I feel wonderful.
I feel great!

Well, evidently, you had all the
emotional support you needed.

I know what you've been through.

I'm very happy
things turned out.

Thank you, Doctor.

Hey!

Oh! Oh, he's right.

You guys were terrific.

Thank you for
being there for me.

And thank you for making me
feel you'd always be there for me,

no matter what happened.

Bet you'd like to go
home and rest. No!

I haven't felt like I've been
living for the last three days.

I want to go with
you to the fundraiser.

Great! It's going
to be a success.

Ma must have stuffed and
mailed over 500 invitations.

"Stuffed"?