The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 5, Episode 13 - Mary Has a Little Lamb - full transcript

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

Dorothy. Oh, hi, Ma.

Listen to this.



"If I were truly free,
O fire of my loins..."

"I'd take you to a paradise in
the sun where we could lie naked,

"bronzed body
against pearl body,

locked together
in a frenzy of love."

Ma, who wrote
that?! Merrill Kellogg.

Merrill... Who's he? Ask
Blanche. It's her letter.

This is from that guy in prison

that Blanche has
been writing to.

How are you gonna explain
this opened letter to Blanche?

Don't worry, I'll
take care of it.

Morning, girls. Good
morning, Blanche.

Rose opened your letter.

Blanche, I didn't.

It's no problem, honey.



It's just another one of
those letters from Merrill.

I would read it to you
anyway - they're not personal.

Not personal? The man said he
wants to lie naked with you on a beach.

Sure. And I wrote him I want
to make passionate love to him

in a hammock suspended
between two magnolia trees -

you know that couldn't
possibly happen.

Well, maybe if you
lose a few pounds...

Shut up, Rose.

These letters
are just a fantasy.

The man is in prison for the
next 20 years for armed robbery.

Blanche, I don't think it's
right to lead the guy on like that.

Why not? The poor man is
surrounded by concrete and bars.

What's wrong with bringing
a little joy into his life?

Nothing at all.

Back in St. Olaf, our justice
system is very progressive.

Their motto was, "Use
a gun, go apologize."

(doorbell) (both) I'll get it.

Mary, honey! Hi, Dorothy.

Hey, welcome, stranger.
Come in here and sit down.

So how've you been doing?

Tell me, sweetheart, you
having fun in high school?

It's OK. Oh, I
loved high school.

It seems like only yesterday -

riding around with the boys
in their cars, and the dances...

Don't forget the
Hindenburg disaster.

Ma, look who's here.

Oh! So, Mary,
when's the baby due?

Ma, you're talking
to a 16-year-old girl.

A knocked-up 16-year-old girl.

Ma, how did you know?

Because you had the same
look of panic on your face

when you got pregnant.

Kind of like a deer caught
in the headlights of a car.

I thought only pregnant
teenagers had that expression,

until I saw Dan Quayle on TV.

I can't believe it.

It was only yesterday you
were selling us cookies.

Now she's giving them away.

Mary, honey, have
you told your father?

I tried, but since Mom
died, I don't know,

we're just on
different wavelengths.

Well, honey, what
about the baby's father?

After all, it's his
responsibility, too.

We broke up. And besides,
he's away at college now.

What are you gonna do?

I don't know. My
father kicked me out.

I got so many things
I gotta figure out.

I guess I gotta get a
job and a place to stay.

Oh, Mary, look, you have
too many things to figure out.

Why don't you stay here with us,
until we can all decide what to do?

Absolutely. Really?

Yes, we'll take care of you.

I don't know how to thank you.

Now, you come into the
kitchen with me, honey.

I'll get you some
pickles and ice cream.

Oh, no, thanks.

I don't have any
strange cravings yet.

Strange?

I cannot believe her
father could be so mean.

Not half as mean
as his dog Samson.

Did I ever tell you what that dog
did to my friend Ida Silverman?

No. What? He ate her.

Gobbled her up without a
trace, support hose and all.

Ma, Ida's daughter told me
she moved to Fort Lauderdale.

The woman's in denial.

I saw that dog with Ida's
blue scarf in his mouth,

and no one has seen her since.

Ma, what does Fred's
dog have to do with this?

It's a known fact that dogs take on
the personality traits of their masters.

That's ridiculous. Oh, yeah?

Then why does your
brother Phil's poodle

like to wear that tutu and
hop around on his hind legs?

Oh, come on, Ma.

I mean, Phil would look pretty
stupid doing that by himself.

Rose. Oh, Rose!

Blanche, what's wrong? I
never finished reading this letter

from Merrill till just now.

Read that last paragraph.

"My sentence has been
overturned on a technicality.

"I'm getting out on the 21st.

Now, finally, we can make
all our dreams come true."

Isn't that terrible?

He's written catchier stuff,

but I wouldn't call it terrible.

I'm not asking for a
literary critique, you dweeb!

Merrill gets out on the
21st - that's tomorrow.

But isn't that great news?
You can finally meet him.

I don't want to meet him!

I don't want him coming
here - the man's a convict.

Oh, so Blanche's
pen pal is getting out.

Gee, that's gonna be rough.

I bet after ten
years in the jug,

he's gonna be pretty
short on foreplay.

(knock on door)

Come in.

Hi.

Hi.

I brought you an extra blanket.

Thank you.

Seems like old times, huh?

I love this house.
I love this room.

I just feel so safe here.

After I'd visit Mom
in the hospital,

I always was so glad
to come back here.

Now here I am again.

Only, this time I'm pregnant.

It's funny, huh?
What's that, honey?

It's just that I have another
human being inside of me,

and I've never felt more alone.

Mary, that's why you
have to talk to your father.

No way. Listen, this is
the most difficult thing

for a father to accept.

What, that I'm a grown woman?

But you're not a grown woman.

Just because the plumbing's in

doesn't mean the
house is ready to occupy.

I think I know what
you're getting at.

Good, because I really
didn't make that up myself.

I heard it on This Old House.

Well, I tried
talking to my father,

but he just went all
crazy when I told him.

That's what fathers do -
they yell and they barbecue.

That's what separates
them from the apes.

What did your father do when
he found out you were pregnant?

He chased Stan for
three blocks with a salami.

How come?

They don't leave marks.

When he finally cooled down,

he realized that he loved me

more than anything
in the world -

which was lucky for me,

because I never needed
him more than I did then.

I don't think that's gonna
happen with my dad.

Oh, you never know.

Fathers can surprise
you sometimes.

Dorothy? You remember
when Mom was sick,

you used to stay with
me until I fell asleep?

And I used to hold your hand...

Ma, what are you doing?

Merrill called.
He's coming over.

I'm hiding all our valuables.

Why?

Why? You think the
man went to prison

for free coveralls and
some male bonding?

(doorbell)

Quick, give me a
hand with the TV.

Oh, Ma!

I cannot believe that Merrill
is a dangerous criminal.

I mean, you've read his letters.

They're beautiful. They're
poetic, almost lyrical.

You can be sure
he's a real gentleman.

I want Blanche.

Break out the finger sandwiches.

Mr. Astaire looks
like he's hungry.

I'm Merrill. Are you Blanche?

No.

How about you, cutie?

Boy, this guy's done hard time!

No, Blanche isn't here,

and she won't be back
for a long, long time.

That's all right.

I've been in prison ten years.

I'm real good at waiting.

Uh...

Can I get you
something, Merrill?

No.

Uh, those were lovely letters

that you wrote to
Blanche, Merrill.

No, I didn't write 'em.

Walter, the guy in
the next cell, did.

Wrote 'em to Harley,
the night guard.

He's hoping to round himself
up a date for movie night.

I just copied the letters

and changed "Dearest
Harley" to "Dearest Blanche."

Well, you did make a
small contribution, Merrill.

Call me Moose -
that's my nickname.

What a coincidence!

That was Dorothy's
nickname in elementary school.

Remember, Dorothy?

No, I don't.

Look, Moose... (both) What?

We don't know where Blanche is.

That's right. She could
be gone for hours. Days.

I mean, it could be weeks
before she gets back.

We're back!

Oh, we found some
terrific bargains.

Mary, why don't you
go try something on

and show Dorothy and Sophia.

Well! Dorothy,
you didn't tell me

you were expecting company.

This is Merrill.

Oh. Well, how are you, Merrill?

Merrill!

Actually, he's more
a friend of Blanche's.

We were just
explaining to Merrill

that there's no telling
when Blanche will be back.

Oh, Lord, no.

There's no use waiting around.

You wouldn't like
Blanche anyway.

She's not your type.
That's right. She isn't.

She's very cold.

Frigid. Hardly likes men at all.

And she's ugly. Isn't she?

"Ugly" is a pretty
strong word, Rose.

And wrinkled. Isn't she?

She is not wrinkled. And fat.

Stop that!

You just stop that right now.

She is none of those
things, Rose Nylund.

She is gorgeous. Gorgeous,
gorgeous, gorgeous!

All right, all right.

Sounds good. Tell
Blanche I'll be back.

And stupid. Stupid,
stupid, stupid!

Well, I'm off. I'll be
checking in for messages.

Take care of the house for
me. Where are you gonna go?

I'll be staying with
my friend Janet.

She said I could spend
the night there anytime.

Or was it her husband
Ed who said that?

I just had a thought.

Congratulations. Way to go.

Maybe we should sign Mary up

for some natural
childbirth classes.

That's not a bad idea.

I wish I'd known about
them when I was pregnant.

I didn't know what to do,

except scream at Stan
never to touch me again

and call him every
name in the book.

Rough labor? Rough conception.

Oh, she doesn't
need those classes.

I think women ought to have
babies the way God intended -

strapped to a table,
numb from the neck down.

Let me ask a question.

So, how much responsibility
are we taking on ourselves here?

Oh, Ma, what are
you talking about?

We can't just abandon her.

The girl needs a
roof over her head,

guidance, emotional support.

It's not up to us.
It's up to her father.

Oh, I tried talking to him.

He won't answer his phone calls

or the messages that
I leave in his mailbox.

First he lets his
dog eat Ida, now this.

I'm mad as hell!
Let's go over there.

No, Ma, Ma, I don't
think you should go.

This is a very
sensitive situation,

and it's gonna take a little
patience and understanding.

That's perfect. All I have is a
little patience and understanding.

All right, all right. But
when we get there,

remember we are
trying to make peace.

So whatever you
do, don't bring up Ida.

I won't - as long
as the dog doesn't.

Hello, Fred.

Hello, Dorothy. Mrs. Petrillo.

Why haven't you returned my
calls? There's nothing to talk about.

We're not going away, Fred.

All right, come in.

Have a seat.

Uh... excuse me. Has he eaten?

Don't worry. He won't hurt you.

Fred, I think I know
how you feel about Mary.

No, you don't. You feel,
because Mary went out

and got herself
pregnant, she's a slut.

Well, let me tell
you what a slut is.

It's someone who gets knocked up

in the back seat of a
Studebaker at a drive-in movie.

It was a Studebaker,
wasn't it, Dorothy?

It was a Nash, Ma.

Now, that's a slut.

Doggy, I don't
know if you noticed,

I'm all skin and bones.

Oh, I shouldn't say "bones."

Now where was I? You
were humiliating me.

Yeah, right, the slut.

And after all she did
to me, did I turn her out?

You tried, Ma. But
did she go? No.

And look at us today. No one
could love a daughter more.

Thanks, Ma. So what
if I don't respect her.

You've got a lot of
nerve coming in here

telling me how to
raise my daughter.

You have no idea
what I'm going through.

(barks)

I gotta get outta here.

Don't worry about the
dog. He's just playing.

Yeah, right.

What did you do
with Ida? (barks)

Samson.

Fred, what Ma was trying to say

is that you can't
just throw Mary out.

I didn't throw her out. She walked
out. That's not how Mary tells it.

We got into a fight. Who
remembers who said what?

That's not the point.

Fred, I remember
how scared I felt

when I found out I was pregnant.

And you know what
my biggest fear was?

That my father would hate me.

Oh, God, was he
angry - and was I scared.

It was a long time before
he'd accept the situation,

and, Fred, until he did,
I only had one parent.

Right now, Mary
doesn't have any parents.

You talk like I did
something wrong.

What can I say that'll
make you understand?

I don't know.
Maybe I'm too stupid.

Fine, then maybe there
is something I can say.

And I want to apologize
for this story before I begin.

Have you ever heard of a
little town called St. Olaf?

No.

Perfect.

Now, as it was told to
me - and I have to admit

that I wasn't
listening that closely -

there was this farmer
named Nils Nibelung,

and he had a pig
named Brunhilde,

and she won all the blue
ribbons at all the county fairs.

Well, Nils also had a
daughter named Fricka,

and she won red ribbons -

usually as runner-up to the pig.

Does this story have a point?

You asked that at
just the right time.

Anyway, one April,

Nils decided to
breed Brunhilde -

that's the pig,
not the daughter -

and he chose April
because that's when pigs

are at their most
beautiful and desirable.

Unfortunately, so was Fricka.

So while Brunhilde and the
pig were doing their thing,

Fricka and the local pig
breeder were doing theirs.

God, I hope I got
the names right.

Anyway, when
Nils heard about it,

he banished Fricka from
his house and his life forever.

So? So...

after a while he lost
interest in the pig's company

and he ate her.

And he died St.
Olaf's loneliest man.

Is that the end of the story?

God, I hope so.

I don't get it.

Fred, let me put it this way.

She is 16, she's scared,

and she's carrying
your grandchild.

Do you really want
to abandon her?

Anybody home?

Oh, I thought you were gonna
spend the night at Janet's.

On the way over
there, I got to thinking,

is there really any reason for me
to be running away from Merrill?

I mean, the man has paid
his debt to society, hasn't he?

After all, is there any man
on earth I can't handle?

Well, I got nowhere with Fred.

And Ma was no help - there
is no way to control her mouth.

Oh, my God! (shrieking)

What happened?
What's the matter?

Who did this to you?

The Sandinistas.

(Rose gasps)

Why would they do this?

Because I knew too much.

Merrill did this
about an hour ago.

Merrill? Ma, are you all
right? What did Merrill do?

He came looking for Blanche.
I held out as long as I could.

Oh, my God! How
did he make you talk?

I think it was the white wine.

I finally told him
she was Blanche

and she didn't want
anything to do with him.

What did he say? He said he wanted
to have something to remember you by.

So he took the silver.

Oh!

At least it's some consolation
that he couldn't possibly find

the secret place
where I hide my jewelry.

Oh.

Did I mention there
was wine and music?

(phone rings) I'll get it.

Hello?

Merrill!

My God! Where are you?

Jail? Well, they only allow you
one phone call, and you called me?

What?

I'm wearing a
green silk pant suit.

Underneath?

Well... Oh, give me that!

(doorbell)

Fred!

Hi, I thought I'd stop by

since I was in the neighborhood.

Fred, you live in
the neighborhood.

Right, Well, I wanted
to come by and see...

Mary.

Hi, Daddy.

How're you doing? I'm doing OK.

Good.

Look, Mary, I've been
talking to Dorothy,

and she really made sense.

It doesn't matter
who's right or wrong.

Why don't you just come
home... and we'll work it out?

Sounds good.

Thank you, guys, for everything.

Don't you be a stranger now.

Don't worry. I'll
come back tomorrow

and get the rest of my stuff.

Let us know how you're doing.

Don't forget, Tuesday
we have mime class.

Mime class?

The Lamaze class
was all filled up.

Well, we'll see you soon.

And, Dorothy, thanks
for all your help.

Maybe we can get together soon

and you can tell me
all about that St. Olaf.

Sounds like a good
place to raise a daughter.

I was desperate!