The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 5, Episode 12 - Have Yourself a Very Little Christmas - full transcript

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for being a friend"

(humming "Jingle Bells")

Hey! (continues humming)



Rose, for the past half-hour,

you've been humming
"Jingle Bells" and yelling "Hey!"

Now, why must you do that?

Because it's too
hard to hum the "Hey!"

Oh, boy, it is hell out there.

Oh, it must be at least 103,
and the mall was impossible.

Did you get something
for the grandchildren?

Oh, please. You know,
Robbie wants a Batman hat.

I went to six different
stores. They were all sold out.

I finally went to one store
where they had one hat left,

and another woman saw it.

Oh! I cannot believe
a person would push

a perfect stranger out of
the way, step on her hand,

and give her an elbow to the
forehead just for a Batman hat -



but I did it anyway.

I got the hat.

No, I guess I just have
this thing about giving gifts

that are more fun than the ones

my grandparents used to give me.

Ma, do you remember
that Christmas

they gave me soap in the
shape of the Seven Dwarfs?

Well, now what's
wrong with that?

What kid wants
to play with soap?

Besides, after a couple of baths,
they looked like seven suppositories.

(doorbell)

Hi. It's me, Stan. I
brought you a gift.

Oh, why, thank you, Stanley.

Oh, and look,
there's a little card.

"Merry Christmas, Sports
Illustrated subscriber."

You don't have a baseball
radio, do you, Dorothy?

Stanley, why are
you really here?

I am going to make
all you women wealthy.

How come whenever my
ship comes in, it's leaking?

I am planning on opening a
research and development lab.

We can come up with
new and exciting novelties

that will make today's
plastic vomit obsolete.

To make all of this happen,

all I need from each
of you is $1,000.

What do you say? (all) No.

OK, make it 100,
but no monthly report.

Goodbye, Stanley.

Why don't I just wait outside,

give you a few minutes
to think this over?

Fine. Fine.

If he's still here
in the morning,

let's give him coffee, OK?

It's a nightmare.

We've been visited by
the yutz of Christmas past.

I am drained of what
little holiday spirit I had.

That's too bad, because
we still have to shop

for presents for each other.

Wait a minute. Listen, I've
been giving this a lot of thought.

None of us wants to go
shopping in this terrible heat,

so why don't we just
put names into a hat,

and then we just
have to pick out a gift

for the one person
whose name we pick?

There's only one problem
with your plan, pussycat.

One of us is gonna
get the gift from Rose.

Dorothy, she's right.

And you know how hard it is
pretending to like Rose's gifts.

Uh-uh. Forget it. No way.

Oh, come on, now,
Blanche, don't be so childish.

We each stand an equal chance
of having our Christmas ruined.

It's not going to bother
me if I get Rose's gift.

Dorothy's right.
Be a good sport.

(humming "Jingle Bells")

Rose, I have to tell
you about Christmas.

It is too hot to shop,

the stores are mobbed, and
there are only two days left.

So we've decided to
draw names out of a hat.

And that way, each of
us only has to buy one gift.

But, Dorothy, I love shopping,

and I love giving gifts.

And besides, if we
draw names out of a hat,

whose names are
they gonna be anyway?

The Oak Ridge Boys', Rose.

Our names!

Oh!

Gee, I'm not sure about this.

I mean, when you
think about Christmas,

don't you think
about giving gifts?

Yes, but that's
not the first thing.

When I think of Christmas, I
think of Christmas in New York.

The decorations
in Macy's window,

the show at Radio City,

skaters on the ice
at Mitsubishi Center.

In the old days on Christmas Eve

we used to go to midnight
Mass, remember, Dorothy?

Sure I do. Oh, Ma, the
music and the candles -

it was beautiful.

And the Mass was in Latin,
a fine old Italian language.

Now, who knows!

Sometimes it's in English,
sometimes Spanish.

If you ask me, they
should go back to Latin,

the language Jesus spoke.

Ma, he spoke Hebrew.

Even in church?

You know, I've been thinking...

Oh, that would explain
the beads of sweat.

Maybe Dorothy's right.

I guess I don't need
a shopping spree

to give me the Christmas spirit.

My church is serving
Christmas dinner

to the poor people
in the neighborhood,

and I've volunteered
to go and help serve.

That'll do the trick for me.

OK, then let's do it.
Come on, now, look...

Remember, you only buy for
the person whose name you pick.

And it doesn't
matter who picks you,

because it's bound
to be a terrific gift.

Go ahead, Blanche.

OK.

OK, I buy for... Dorothy.

Oh, yes! Yes, yes, yes! Oh, yes!

Oh...

Boy, Blanche, I didn't realize
you were such a big spender.

Go ahead, Dorothy, you go.

OK, I buy for... Ma.

Yes! Ha ha!

This really was a good
idea. This is really fun.

Oh, shut up, Rose.

Is it my turn? Yeah.

OK. I buy for... Rose.

Oh, thank you, God!

No, no, no, Rose,
you can't pick yourself.

Oh, thank goodness.
I'm so hard to shop for.

Rose, you buy for... Blanche.

OK, thanks, Dorothy.
This really was a good idea.

I don't wanna
spoil the surprise,

but in a couple of weeks

someone in this room is
gonna know how to yodel.

Your brother Phil,
God rest his brain,

gives the worst
presents in the world.

What kind of gift
is dental floss?

Well, it's waxed
and mint-flavored.

Here, go floss yourself.

This stinks - after the
swell gift I sent him?

What was it? A catalogue item.

L.L. Bean? Victoria's Secret.

Here it is, my
present from Kirsten.

Oh, she always knows
just what her mother wants.

Ha ha!

It's a St. Olaf snowball.

Rose, there's nothing
in there but snow.

That's what St. Olaf
looks like in winter.

Who's for some fresh-baked
Christmas cookies?

Rose, why are the
Christmas cookies

in the shape of American
flags and Liberty Bells?

I couldn't find a
Christmas cookie-cutter,

so I used the Fourth of
July cookie-cutters instead.

I wonder where President
Bush stands on eating the flag?

Well, that's all the presents -

except for the ones
we know are fruitcakes.

Wait a minute. What about the
present Blanche hid behind the couch?

Oh, my gift for
you. I'll get it.

I can't wait to see
the look on your face.

Me too.

Here you go, sweetheart.

Why, Rose, it's a
beautiful blouse!

I hope it's all right.

Dorothy said you'd like
something crotchless.

Well, I'm due at church
in about half an hour.

They're starting to serve
Christmas dinner at one o'clock.

I better get ready.

Hey, Rose. Rose, could
you use some extra help?

We could use all
the help we can get.

Then I'm going with
you. Hey, count me in.

Since I didn't get a gift I have
to bury out in the backyard,

I'm feeling all Christmassy too.

Ma, are you coming?
But I rented Scarface!

All right, I'll go too.

Hey, I got an idea.

We got all these fruitcakes
from this Christmas,

last Christmas and the
Christmas before that.

Why don't we gather
them all up and...

And what? Build a bomb shelter?

No. We can unload them.

I mean, bring 'em to
the church for dessert.

Well, actually, I
think that's very nice.

Like we say in St. Olaf,
Christmas without fruitcake

is like St. Sigmund's Day
without the headless boy!

Well, before we open the
doors, I just wanna thank you all

for taking time away
from your own Christmas

to provide Christmas for
some that are less fortunate.

We promise to turn away no one,

remembering how Mary and
Joseph were turned away at the inn.

Reverend Avery, it's
always puzzled me -

why didn't Mary and Joseph
call ahead for reservations?

Surely they must have
realized how impossible it is

to get a hotel room during
the Christmas season?

I guess that's one for
the theologians, Rose.

I can never get
used to serving turkey

for Christmas dinner
- it's so un-Sicilian.

What did you serve?

Eels.

Eels? (Dorothy) Yeah, it's true.

Eels are a traditional
part of a Sicilian Christmas.

Of course, after Christmas,
it's eel croquettes,

eel hash, eel tetrazzini.

I sure miss a traditional
St. Olaf Christmas.

Excuse me, Rose, do we have time

to run out and get hit by a bus?

First there'd be the
Christmas pageant,

with the shepherds and the
angels and the two wise men.

There were three wise men, Rose.

Not in St. Olaf.

Then we'd all go down
to the town square

and try to form a circle.

And then we'd all go
home and smoke kippers.

Why, Rose?

Because it's the best way

to get your house
to smell like kippers.

And then in keeping with
the spirit of Christmas,

it was traditional to let all the
animals sleep inside that night.

And then, the next morning,
the rumors would start.

And they'd continue
until New Year's,

and we'd all make resolutions

that it would never
happen again.

But then, the next year,
all it took was a little eggnog

and one wise guy saying,
"What the hell! It's Christmas."

All right, volunteers, stand
by. I'm opening the doors.

Welcome. Welcome,
everybody. Merry Christmas.

I just never thought
there'd be children.

I know.

And what is Santa
Claus doing here?

Oh, they pay these poor,
out-of-work guys 10, 15 bucks

to stand on street
corners ringing their bells

for charitable contributions.

A lot of 'em can't afford
the price of a meal.

Hello there. Hello, Santa Claus.

Dorothy... it's me, Stanley.

Stan, what are you doing here?

What happened with the
research and development deal?

Ah, that was just me trying
to get some extra cash

to tide me through the holidays.

You were gonna cheat us?

Oh, sure, if you
wanna label everything.

Stan, how could you?

What did you want
me to tell you, Dorothy,

that I was broke, that I
miscalculated the public taste?

I thought I was gonna
go through the roof

with my plastic reindeer poop.

That's what happens
when you aim too high.

And then I figured, with the
drought and the danger of fires,

the one novelty item that
would really take off this season

is a little Santa wearing
sunglasses, driving a fire engine.

So I put every last cent
I had into that hunch,

and I ordered 12 gross
from my supplier in Germany.

Everything is getting out of
East Berlin except my fire engines.

They didn't get
here till last night.

Come on, Stanley,
you've been down before.

This is the nature
of your business.

Why don't you go home
and enjoy Christmas,

then face the future tomorrow?

I can't go home. Why not?

Catherine threw me out.
Your wife threw you out?

I had no idea she
was that bright.

What happened?

Catherine accused
me of infidelity.

Oh, dammit!

Stan, this makes
those infidelities

during our marriage
seem much less special.

Why did this have
to happen to me?

Broke and homeless
on Christmas - why me?

Why you? Why them?!

Look around you.
You're not exactly alone.

This is probably the only
Christmas these kids are gonna have.

Think about that for a while.

It might take your mind
off your own self-pity.

I've gotta go back to work.

Mrs. Sensitive.

You know, being here reminds me

of my favorite
Christmas back in 1951,

which I spent at the USO,

making a better
Christmas for our boys

getting ready to
leave for Korea.

I gave those
servicemen something

even Mr. Bob Hope
himself could not give them.

A rash?

Doughnuts, Dorothy.

Big Daddy was part-owner
of a doughnut shop.

Did you really think this was
going to be a story about sex?

This is a beautiful
Christmas story, Dorothy.

Now, that really hurts
me. I'm sorry, Blanche.

Well, anyway, after the
boys had their doughnuts...

Actually, at this point,

it does change more
into a Veterans Day story.

In fact, what happened

to Dorothy's ex-husband
is not that uncommon.

Really? You'd be
surprised how many people

are only two or three paychecks
away from being on the street.

The suddenly poor
are all around us.

Once you've been knocked down
like that, it's very hard to recover.

What's going to happen
to all these people?

I don't know.

There's no affordable housing,

the rents keep going up and up,

and the minimum wage
has been held down.

Seems so unfair.

Well, that's because it is.

There are three million homeless,
hungry people in this country.

What bothers me is,
those people out there

are being fed today
because it's Christmas,

but what will they eat tomorrow?

When the great communicator talked
about his vision of a city on a hill,

I wonder if it included
people sleeping

on gratings in the street.

Dorothy, Stan's out there
feeling so sorry for himself,

he's bringing down the homeless.

Blanche, will you
take over for me?

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna go and try to make
Stan feel like a whole man again.

Anything you need?

Yes, half a man.

Sophia, you were just putting
me on about those eels, right?

Please! In Sicily, it wouldn't be
Christmas without a plate of eels.

Eels and larks.

Larks?

Honey, larks aren't eating
birds, they're singing birds.

They don't sing long in Sicily.

Stanley. Yeah?

I forgot to wish you
a merry Christmas.

Some Christmas.

Oh, come on, Stanley,

you're the most fortunate
person here. Big deal!

Stanley, you've always been
able to turn bad holidays around.

Do you remember the
Christmas we were so broke

that you actually convinced the
kids that Christmas was the 26th,

and then you went out and got a
Christmas tree from somebody's garbage?

You trimmed it with gum
wrappers and pull tabs.

And then you turned
on the television,

and they were playing
Jim Thorpe - All American,

and you told the kids
it was King of Kings.

And they believed it, too.

Right up to the part where Jesus

had his Olympic medals taken
away for playing professional baseball.

That became sort
of a tradition with us.

Yeah. You had ingenuity then.

You didn't let
anything beat you.

And you can do it again, Stan,

if you just work hard and
turn on that Zbornak charm.

I am pretty good at that.

Oh, you could charm
the pants off anybody.

I have to believe that -
otherwise, I was easy.

But, Dorothy, it's
different this time.

Sure, sure, I've scraped the
bottom of the barrel before,

but this time I don't
even have a barrel!

Oh, Stan, will you stop
whining? It's pathetic.

That's the most
effective way to whine.

All I need is a few bucks,
just a little seed money.

OK, OK. Here,
here. Stan, take it.

Attagirl. To show you
how much I love you,

I'm not even going to count it.

I hate you, Stanley.
You are the lowest.

I'm sorry, Dorothy, if I am no
longer the man you divorced.

So am I. I'd love to stick
around and be belittled...

Fine, fine. You've eaten. Go
somewhere else and wallow.

You better be careful. You're
not the only ex-wife I have.

Then why do you
keep bothering me?

You're the only one
who answers the door.

(♪ "Deck the Halls")

Well, I guess that about
does it. All the food is gone.

Except the
fruitcake. I don't get it.

There's more now
than when we started.

I just wish there was something
more we could do for these people.

Especially the children.
(Rev. Aubrey) Yes, I know.

I'm supposed to look after
their spiritual needs, but...

even I can't help thinking
they have other needs

that are far more pressing.

Well, I'd like to thank you
all very much for coming.

I wish you every
blessing for the New Year.

Merry Christmas!

Ho-ho-ho!

Here's Santa, with toys for
all the good boys and girls.

Ho-ho-ho!

Have you all been
good boys and girls?

(all) Yeah!

Ah!

Ho-ho-ho!

Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
(boy) Oh, my gosh.

I'm proud of you,
Stan. Really proud.

That was a lovely thing you did.

You made me believe
in Santa Claus again.

Me, too.

Not me - I knew it
was Stan all along.

After I walked outta
here this afternoon,

I realized that I'm more
fortunate than a lot of people.

Tomorrow I'm gonna get the
jump on the Easter season.

I have a new idea
for a great novelty.

It's a decorated Easter
egg with a window in it.

When you look into it, you
see a beautiful Easter scene.

That's not a new idea.

Those Easter eggs have been
around for years and years.

Yes, but this one leaves a
black circle around your eyes.

That practically screams Easter!

And, you know, Dorothy,
I apologized to my wife,

and in the spirit of Christmas,

she's letting me come back home.

Great. In that case,

you can give me back
the $60 I gave you.

Well, when I apologized,
I said it with flowers.

60 dollars' worth?

Dorothy, I may
be a lot of things,

but I'm not cheap.

You know, actually, this is
one of the best Christmases

I ever spent with Stan.

It was pretty nice.

I can't remember feeling
this proud of myself

so early in the evening.

No, we did good.

I just wish we could do more.

Oh, so do I. I mean, we
have a place to go home to,

and so many people don't.

We should keep them in
our hearts and our minds -

not just on Christmas,
but every day of the year.

It's more than a place to go.

It's having someone
there for you.

We have each other.
There's always someone there.

That's right.
That's right, darling.

So let's go home.

Thanks, girls, for coming
down and helping out.

It was wonderful. Oh,
thank you for having us.

I'm glad you asked.

And, hey, merry Christmas.

Oh... (all) Merry Christmas.