The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 4, Episode 7 - Sophia's Wedding: Part 2 - full transcript

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for being a friend"

(Rose) On the last episode
of "The Golden Girls"...

Good Lord!



Ma, what is going on here?

Afterglow.

Ma, this is the most upsetting
thing you have ever done.

I am shocked. I am disappointed.

I am speechless.
We're getting married!

I now pronounce
you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Oh!

(smoke alarm rings)

(continues ringing)

Call 911! Call 911!

Call 911! 911! Call 911!

It's 911. I got it.

Get me the fire
department, quick. Blanche...



All right, wait. Hello,
fire department?

This is Blanche
Devereaux at 5161 Richm...

Oh! Well, of course you
know where it is. Hi, Ed.

I'm on fire.

Why, you naughty boy!

Blanche...

I'll bet that's why
Chicago burnt down.

Mrs. O'Leary was
probably a tramp, too.

Give me that.

Look, I'm terribly sorry.

There's been a mistake.
There is no fire here.

That's right, this
isn't Blanche.

So that remark about the
fire hose was totally wasted.

I set off the smoke alarm. How?

Cigarette. Oh, no
thank you, I don't smoke.

Now, how did you
set off the alarm?

I smoked a cigarette,
you amoeba.

I'm sorry, Rose, I'm
sorry. I'm just so upset

that I started smoking again.

Well, why did you start again?

I don't know. I don't know.

I've just been under
a lot of stress lately.

My job, Ma getting married...

You're growing older,
you don't go out much,

your chin is starting to droop.

Since I've already
had the cigarette,

why don't you just
blindfold me and shoot me?

(Sophia) Hello! Honeymoon's
over. We're back.

Don't let Ma know I have
been smoking. She will kill me.

Ma!

Dorothy!

What was that for?
You've been smoking.

I have not. Then
you've been smoking.

No, I haven't. Ma, it was me.

That's for lying.

Dorothy, you quit 15 years ago.
You told me you'd never smoke again.

I know, Ma, I'm sorry.

Oh... You know, I quit
once, I can quit again.

Hi, everybody. It's me,
Max, the blushing groom.

Well, how was the honeymoon?

I tell you, that Disney World
hotel was just wonderful.

It had everything.

Good service, delicious
food, a beautiful room.

What did you think of the rides?

They got rides?

Don't worry about it.
You had a good time

and you never
had to stand in line.

We'd like to stay and chat, but we
want to get settled in our new place.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
Come back soon.

Oh, aren't they cute?

We forgot something. We
forgot to get a new place.

You're kidding?

Don't worry. We just
need a roof over our heads

for a couple of
days while we look.

Doesn't have to
be anything fancy.

Girls?

Would you all like
to stay here with us?

Here? Gee, that didn't
even cross my mind.

What do you think, Max?
Well, there's no pool...

All right, we'll stay - but only for a
couple of days. Get the bags, pumpkin.

He likes to eat breakfast
in his underwear.

I hope that's not a
problem for anyone.

I need a cigarette. No,
Dorothy! You sit right down here.

Now, you need to
exercise a little self-control.

Dorothy, listen. You
can quit smoking.

Now, just do it the way
I did it, just taper off -

smoke only after sex.

Good idea. One
pack'll last her a lifetime.

(Dorothy singing)

Dorothy?

Out in a minute, Ma.

(Max) Hiya, cupcake.

It's time to play
connect the freckles.

(Dorothy) Not now, Max.

Would you hand me the... Aagh!

What the hell is going on here?

Aagh!

Aagh! Aagh!

Quiet, quiet, quiet!

This has been a big mistake.

I thought Sophia
was in the shower.

Hand me my glasses.

I'm blind as a bat without 'em.

Aagh!

Shut up, Max. Blanche,
hand me my robe.

Here you are. Now, listen.

We love you two a lot, but
you've been here for three weeks,

and this living arrangement
is not working out.

I guess we forgot how hard it is
to live with a man in the house.

Why? What did I
do? Well, you snore.

You don't pick
up after yourself.

You never remember
to lift the toilet seat.

Please! He hardly ever
remembers to lift up the toilet lid.

Fine, fine. We'll start
looking for a place today.

Come on, Max.

So what did you
think of the apartment?

Too many old people.

All those hearing aids
interfere with the cable TV.

You want a Life Saver?
What kind you got?

Peppermint. I don't
like peppermint.

I like butterscotch.
You got butterscotch?

Does it say 7-Eleven
across my forehead?

I got peppermint.

I'll try one.

I like butterscotch better.

What is this?
Coconut? Peppermint!

Don't yell, I heard
you the first time.

It's nice to sit
here at the beach.

Yeah. Beach is nice. Always was.

My Sal used to like the
beach. Tell me about it.

That's why he wanted to
open a pizza-knish stand

on the boardwalk
in Coney Island.

Now, there was a
million-dollar idea.

A million dollars was
a bargain for that idea.

That business was Sal's
dream. Too bad it didn't work out.

Yeah, bad timing.

(saxophonist
starts playing jazz)

Hey! Hey, hey.

Hey, you're driving away
the birds with that noise.

You know a real song?

Do you have a buck?

"It Had To Be You."

That was Sal's favorite song.

(plays "It Had To Be
You") ♪ It had to be you

♪ It had to be you

♪ I wandered around,
and finally found...

Speaking of found,
look what I found.

Butterscotch.

Doesn't get much
better than this.

Oh, it is such a beautiful day!

It sure is. What are you
gonna do today, Dorothy?

Sit in a dark room and
smoke ten packs of cigarettes.

Dorothy, I know what
you're going through.

I smoked for years. You smoked?

Rose, that's like finding
out Lassie was an alcoholic.

Lassie was an alcoholic?!

That explains why she
always tipped to one side

when she waved goodbye to Timmy.

Hi, everybody! We've
got some great news.

We found a place.
It's absolutely perfect.

It's near the beach,
it's reasonably priced,

and it's just the right size.

Ma, that's great. We're so excited,
we can't wait to show it to you.

Well? What do you think?

Ma, this is a run-down
old concession stand.

You can't live here.

We're not living
here. We leased it.

It took every dime we had,
but it's a dream come true.

I don't understand.

You should have that
printed on a T-shirt.

We're opening the
old business again.

A million-dollar idea
deserves a second chance.

Ma, come on.
You're both over 80.

Starting a business
is hard work.

Yeah, for amateurs. But
we've already done this before.

By the way, we'll
be staying with you

until the business
gets off the ground.

Well, what happens
if the business fails?

We'll have to talk about a
night-light for the bathroom.

Max. Put the paintbrush
down a minute.

Taste this pizza.

I want an absolutely
honest opinion.

I'm dying. Yeah?

It's gorgeous. Yeah?

Perfection! Like
velvet in my mouth.

A masterpiece! A
Picasso with mozzarella.

A Rembrandt with tomato sauce.

I thought it needed more salt.

And garlic. It's a little flat.

Oh, wow! Look at this.

Why, the place is really
coming along. Boy, I'll say it is.

I have to give you two credit.

It looks like it's
really gonna happen.

Why shouldn't it happen?

I know the pizza business
like the back of my hand.

I never noticed that before.

What do you think it
would cost to remove that?

Let's talk about it at home.
It's getting late. Let's go.

We have a few more
hours of work here.

Aw, Ma, you're
overdoing it. We're fine.

Besides, we want
our grand opening

in time for the big beach
festival this weekend.

Sophia, it's getting
damp and chilly out here.

You're gonna catch
yourself a cold.

Please! I haven't
had a cold in 40 years.

This is the worst cold
I've had in 40 years.

My back is killing me. I
feel dizzy and nauseous.

Every joint in my body
feels like it's on fire.

Boy, you really
caught a nasty bug.

Please! I'm 84 years old.
I feel like this every day.

Never fear, Doctor Rose is here.

I made you both an
old-fashioned St. Olaf tonic.

Guaranteed to get
you back on your feet

and put hair on your chest.

That's the one nasty side
effect they could never figure out.

I'm feeling better. I think
I'll go check the stand.

The big beach
festival is this weekend.

We have to be open for that.

If we don't make some
money, we'll lose our lease.

Max, it is out of the question.

She's right. We're too sick.

The dream has ended. It's over.

It's a dirty rotten shame
we couldn't find somebody

who could find it
in their heart to help

this absolutely
adorable old couple

fulfill their dream
of a lifetime.

Oh, all right,
all right. We will.

You?

Do you have any experience? No.

You're hired.

Boy, making pizza really brings
back a flood of childhood memories.

Make a lot of pizza as a kid?

No. My favorite
uncle, Uncle Gunther,

used to sprinkle Parmesan
cheese on his hair.

Why would he do that?

He said it was the
perfect compliment

to the croutons he'd
taped to his eyebrows.

He had a Caesar
complex. Salad, not Julius.

Rose, maybe you ought
to work on the knishes.

Or did you have an uncle
who was a Mr. Potato Head?

Dorothy, you're just cranky 'cause
you haven't had a cigarette in a while.

Maybe a little. But
I'll tell you the truth,

I think I'm over
the worst part of it.

That's great. I'm
really proud of you.

You'd think you'd miss that
feeling you get with that first puff,

that feeling of relaxation
when you hold it in,

and then the sheer
exhilaration as you exhale slowly.

No, not really.

I've found other ways
to ease my tensions.

Honey, would you hand me
that large saucepan over there?

Oh, sure. No, the one
behind it, the really big one.

You know, you really have
to give Max and Sophia credit.

This business was their
dream, and they're going after it.

I wish I'd done
that with my dream.

Fine. Honey, would you check
on the pizzas one may be ready?

Why don't you want
to hear my dream?

Because it is always the
same thing with you, Blanche.

Sex, sex, sex. I am
tired of hearing it.

Maybe that's because you're
not getting any, Dorothy.

Do you want the pot again, Rose?

Well, it just so happens
that it was not about sex.

There's a lot more than
that to Blanche Devereaux.

My dream was to
be a great scientist.

Work in a laboratory.
Do research.

Find a cure for the common cold.

You know, Blanche,
I owe you an apology.

I really thought... Then I'd knock
all those test tubes off the table,

grab a Ph.D., and show those
lab rabbits how it's really done.

It's gonna be a long afternoon.

This is so depressing.

We haven't had a
customer in two hours.

Well, that's because
we need promotion.

You know, Blanche is right.

It doesn't matter how
good your product is,

you have to know
how to promote it.

That sure was the case
with Fritz Vanderhoeven,

who owned the St. Olaf
Motor Coach Company.

They built a car in St. Olaf?

They sure did. The
Vanderhoeven Rocket.

Oh, it was a beauty.
Fritz really had vision.

Actually, he had double vision,
which is why it had eight tires.

So, uh... What happened?

It never got off the
ground. Bad promotion.

Which was a shame,
because it's the first car

to this day that
ran on free fuel.

It was totally powered
by cow manure.

I think a lot of people
were turned off by the ad -

a cow sitting on a gas tank,
reading the Farmers' Almanac.

How's it going? Ma,
what are you doing here?

I feel better and I wanted to
get some air. How's business?

We've only had two
customers all day.

I think it's such a nice hot
day, they're all in the water.

That's your problem? You can't
get the people out of the water?

Amateurs.

Let me show you how you run
a pizza-knish stand at the beach.

Shark! Shark! Shark!

(screaming and yelling)

Now they're out of
the water, start selling.

Uh, pizza. Step right up.

And after Ma got
everybody out of the water,

people started trying our food.

Before we knew it, there wasn't
a pizza or a knish left on the shelf.

The place is a hit.

Sophia, I am very proud of you.

Not only did you
save the business,

but you saved all those
people from the shark.

Don't look so worried.
I handle the books.

(phone ringing)

Hello? What?

Oh, no... No,
we'll be right there.

What's the matter?

I don't understand it.

How could the stand
burn to the ground?

I don't know. We
were so careful.

I have a confession to make.

The reason I sent you two
ahead and said I'd lock up...

is because I wanted a cigarette.

And I guess I
didn't put it out. Oh...

Well, I wouldn't worry.

How much harm can it do?
The place already burnt down.

Rose, you dummy, she means
her cigarette started the fire.

Max, Ma, I have never
felt so bad in my entire life.

I don't know what to say.

It was an accident,
pussycat. Don't worry about it.

That's it?

That's all you have
to say? Uh-huh.

Oh, Ma, please yell at me. Please
scream at me. Please make me feel guilty.

I mean, if you don't say
anything, I'll feel twice as bad.

I know. I'm not
an amateur at this.

We finally found
the cause of the fire.

Take me away. Cuff me.

Well, I'd like to take
you to dinner first.

Then we could
play the rest by ear.

But business before pleasure.

Your fire was caused by a
faulty coil in the pizza oven.

I'll write up a report for
your insurance company.

But this is wonderful news!
Dorothy, it wasn't your fault.

And with the insurance money,
Max and Sophia can build again,

bigger and better than ever.

From these ashes
a phoenix will rise!

Stronger, healthier,
more vibrant,

more successful than before.

(both) Eh.

Why did you say "Eh"?

It just came out. Me too.

Did you have fun
rebuilding the old business?

Eh... It always felt like
something was missing.

I can tell you what that was.

My Salvadore.

And my Esther.

Sophia, I think we
got a problem here.

Is there anything
we can do, Sophia?

Go get two cheesecakes
and wait up for me.

I have a feeling the four of
us will be talking till dawn.

Max, do you love me?

Sure. You?

I love you.

Are you in love with me?

What is this? The
Oprah Winfrey Show?

You know what I mean.

Are you in love with me the
way you were with Esther?

No. Do you love me the way
you did Sal? I thought I did.

But now I think I might have confused
a great friendship with a great love.

Boy, if this was Ronald
Colman and Greer Garson,

there wouldn't be a
dry eye in the house.

This is the kind of mistake
you make when you're 19.

It gives me hope to think
you can be just as dopey at 82.

So. Do you want
to get a divorce?

Hey, I'm Catholic.

I don't need a divorce on my record
with St. Peter in spitting distance.

I say we get separated.

Fine. That's a better idea.

I'll go back to Brooklyn. My
family's there, my grandkids.

And I miss the old neighborhood.

And I'll stay here in Miami.

Ever since I lost my Sal, the
ladies I live with are my family.

But that doesn't mean we can't
get together occasionally for...

You know.

You can do that when
you're just friends?

Hey, I want to get in good with
St. Peter, I don't want his job.

You know, me and Esther,
and you and Salvadore,

we were all good together.

The best.

Hey, Mister.

You want me to play "It Had
To Be You," for the two of you?

I want you to play
it for the four of us.

(plays "It Had To Be You")