The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 4, Episode 6 - Sophia's Wedding: Part 1 - full transcript

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

Girls! Girls, it's here.

I am so excited. It's my letter
from the Elvis Presley Fan Club.



Oh, my hands are shaking.
Dorothy, you read it.

"Dear Rose Nylund,

"Your application to start
an unauthorized chapter

"of the Elvis Presley Hunk-a
Hunk-a Burnin' Love Fan Club

in your neighborhood and/or
trailer park has been accepted."

This is the happiest,
most fulfilling day of my life!

Which makes you the most
pathetic human being on this planet.

(phone rings)

Well, I love Elvis.

Blanche, I'd be honored if
you'd be the first member

of the Hunk-a Hunk-a
Burnin' Love Fan Club.

I graciously accept and promise
to do a good job as president.

Why should you be president?

Well, because I saw Elvis in
Harum Scarum over 50 times.



So did I.

I have every album
he ever recorded.

So have I. And every single.

I slept with him in a Motel
6 outside Chattanooga.

Congratulations,
Madam President.

Blanche, why did you say that? You
didn't really sleep with Elvis Presley.

Back where I come from,

there were a lot of hillbilly
boys with muttonchop sideburns

named Elvis.

The light was bad in the
bayou. It could have happened.

Blanche, you never
slept with Elvis Presley.

Oh, all right, all right.

But I once did make love to an
unattractive boy named Ernest,

and in the middle of it,
I cried out Elvis' name.

Technically, I
think that counts.

Ma, what's the matter?

Esther Weinstock is dead.

We grew up together.
She was my best friend.

Oh, I'm so sorry. What happened?

She was fighting an oil-rig
fire in the Gulf of Mexico.

She was 88!

Well, it's great that
she was able to work

right up to the end.

When is the funeral? Wednesday.

I'll go back to
Brooklyn with you.

I'm not going, and you know why.

I guess the body
was lost at sea.

Ma doesn't want
to go to the funeral

because Esther's husband...

Max Weinstock will be there. I
will not stand under the same roof

with that miserable
bocciagalupe, and you know why.

See, years ago, Max and my
father were business partners.

They ran a pizza-knish
stand at Coney Island.

One day, Pop came home and said
that Max had gambled away the profits.

Well, they went broke.
Ma never forgave him.

Years ago, Max and my
Salvadore were business partners...

They already know, Ma.
Oh, that's what I figured.

I got my heel
caught in the carpet.

Sophia, she was
your best friend.

Are you sure you don't
want to go to her funeral?

Of course I want to go.

But I swore a Sicilian oath I would never
cast my eyes on Max Weinstock again.

And nothing you say or do
will make me change my mind.

I'll pay for the tickets.
Book business class.

If I have to sit through the Three
Amigos, I'll need champagne.

All right, Dorothy.
Let's get out of here.

Ma, we have to pay our
respects to the family.

And listen, if you see Max,

I don't want you making
another scene like at the funeral.

Scene? What scene? It's not my
fault the klutz tripped over my foot

and nearly fell
into an open grave.

You didn't have to yell, "Start
shoveling, boys," as he tried to get up.

Sophia?

Dorothy, do you
hear a dog howling?

Behave yourself.
Hello, Mr. Weinstock.

Oh, my goodness,
as I live and breathe.

Unfortunately.

You're little Dorothy
Petrillo. That's right.

You haven't changed a
bit. Same gorgeous smile.

Pretty eyes, beautiful figure,
long golden blonde hair.

You have cataracts,
don't you, Mr. Weinstock?

Since 1967.

Let's go.

Sophia... Esther would have
appreciated you being here.

I loved that woman.
She was the best.

Which why she
deserved a better husband

instead of a miserable,
no-good, lowlife sleazeball.

Sophia, if you knew
now what I knew then...

Ah, so what.

If you've got something
to say, spit it out.

Don't push me, or I will.

There, I pushed. Too bad
you weren't on a flight of stairs.

Ma, Ma, you're creating a scene.

Look, that was a long
time ago. Forget about it.

I can't forget. This man
stole money from us.

Because of him, our
family went hungry.

Ma, we never went hungry.

Some nights, I
felt like dessert.

Sophia, I kept this
secret for 40 years

because I didn't want
to break your heart.

But now that I know it's made of
stone, you might as well know the truth.

Brooklyn, 1949.

We were sitting at this table
playing a spirited game of...

Gin!

Four in a row. Tonight's
your lucky night.

I hope that'll continue
once we get home. Ha.

He buys a new T-shirt,
trims the hair out of his ears,

suddenly he's Charles Boyer.

So how was business
today? Terrific.

We didn't have a pizza
or a knish left on the shelf.

I'd love a cup of coffee.
I'll get everybody some.

Here, let me help.

Max, there's something
I have to tell you.

What's wrong?

The week's receipts
- I lost 'em on a horse.

You what?

I got a tip. It was
supposed to be a sure thing.

I don't believe it! That
means we're out of business.

We're through.

So's my marriage.
When Sophia finds out,

she'll put me out on
the street. Max, I'm sorry.

Coffee'll be ready in a minute.

Sophia, I have
something to tell you.

Wait, wait. Let me tell her.

Sophia, we're out of business.
I gambled the money away.

That's not true.
I wish it wasn't.

That's what happened.
I'm sorry, Sophia.

I don't believe it! This
is insane. Calm down.

Calm down? Calm down?
Did you hear what he just said?

Salvadore wanted to tell
you, but I wouldn't let him.

I cared for you both too much
to let your marriage break up.

And Sal felt so guilty, he never
gambled again. It was worth it.

That was a very lovely thing you
did, Mr. Weinstock. Wasn't it, Ma?

Wasn't it, Ma?

Ah, forget it. It's
ancient history.

Ma, say something to him.

I can't. Sicilians have a
hard time with apologies.

They also have a hard time passing
wet cement without putting someone in it.

They manage. Go on.

Max, there's something
I gotta say to you.

What?

The knishes.
They're pretty good.

Apology accepted.

Well, that about
concludes the first meeting

of the Hunk-a Hunk-a
Burnin' Love Fan Club.

But before we adjourn,

our secretary has a
real special surprise.

A genuine Elvis artifact!

(oohs and aahs)

It's a partially-eaten
pork chop.

He had beautiful
teeth, didn't he?

It's wonderful.

This has to be a fake.

Elvis would never have left
this much meat on a pork chop.

Dorothy, you're out of the club.

Meeting is adjourned.

Thank you, ladies. See you
next week. Thank you for coming.

Well, I hope you're not
too upset over this, Dorothy.

I've just been thrown out of
an unauthorized Elvis fan club.

I'll try to pick up the pieces
and go on with my life.

I mean, there must be a
support group for people like me.

We're sorry, Dorothy,
but the bylaws clearly state

that any derogatory
remarks about the King

are grounds for
immediate expulsion.

Maybe you ought to
join an organization

that is a little less
fanatical in its devotion.

Like what, Blanche? The PLO?

Do you know what I hate
doing most after a party?

Trying to find your
underwear in the big pile?

Cleaning up the dirty dishes.

You twit.

Listen, why don't we
just leave this mess

and go out and get
something to eat?

I'll ask Ma if
she'd like to come.

It'll do her good to
get out of the house.

Oh, she's been so
depressed since that funeral.

I mean, she lost one
of her oldest friends,

and even though she made up with
Max, she'll probably never see him again.

Well, you go and get her.
We will try to cheer her up.

We don't want that poor
thing getting sick over this.

No.

(Dorothy) Ma! Oh, my
God! Dorothy, what is it?

What, honey?

Oh! Good Lord.

Ma, what is going on here?

Afterglow.

Nice to see you again, Dorothy.

You too, Mr. Weinstock.
When did you get in?

Oh, you mean in town? Yesterday.

You should have called. I
could have made you dinner.

Before you slept with
my mother! Dorothy!

Ma, this is the most upsetting
thing you have ever done.

I am shocked. I am
disappointed. I am speechless.

We're getting married.
I am very lightheaded.

Dorothy? Dorothy?

Oh, good, I think
she's waking up.

Oh, honey, come on,
sweetie. Are you all right?

Oh, I'm fine, Rose.

Oh, that was strange. I...
I've never fainted before.

Me neither. What does
it feel like after you faint?

Like this, Rose.

Ma, I think it's time you explained all
this nonsense about getting married.

It's not nonsense.

And we're gonna
do it right away.

Look, Dorothy, I know that you'll
probably find it hard to understand.

But when I saw your mother
again after all these years,

something happened.

We talked, we laughed, we
held hands, we fell in love.

Actually, we got a hot
dog before we fell in love.

But the point is, we're
crazy about each other.

And if this turns out to
be a mistake, what the hell,

we'll probably be
dead before we find out.

Kiss me, you poet.

Oh, they are so cute
together! Isn't it romantic?

No, it isn't. It's ridiculous.

Ma, this is the biggest mistake

you have ever made in your life.

Fine. Don't come to the wedding.

Who wants you? But
just remember one thing.

If you want to send us a gift,
we're registered at Jordan Marsh.

What are you doing?

Sending out invitations
for Sofia's wedding.

Oh, well, forget about that.
Do you know what we need?

An Elvis impersonator.

That sounds great. I thought
we'd get a new dishwasher first,

but this could probably
come in just as handy.

I mean for our next
club meeting, Rose.

Membership has been waning.
Maybe this will generate a little interest.

Oh, Blanche,
that's a terrific idea.

What's a terrific idea?

Hiring an Elvis impersonator
for our next club meeting.

If you were picking out an Elvis

impersonator, how would
you pick a good one?

I'd thump on his belly
and see if he's ripe.

How the hell should I know?
Why the hell should I care?

You threw me out
of your crummy club.

I'll start working on
it as soon as I finish

the invitations for...
you-know-who's wedding.

Look, Rose, I would rather
not talk about Ma's wedding.

Dorothy, don't you think it's
time you gave her your blessing?

We've hired a caterer, we've ordered
flowers. The invitations are being sent.

Blanche, how can I
give her my blessing?

She has hated that
man for 40 years.

Now, suddenly, after a three-day
weekend, she decides to get married.

I cannot believe that someone
can fall in love that quickly.

My Charlie asked me to marry
him ten minutes after we met.

'Course, we were
only seven at the time.

My mother was so
cute when I told her.

She said, "Rose, honey,
you're just a little girl.

"You have your entire life before
you, and the whole world to see.

"Now, you wait until you
grow up and get sophisticated,

and marry at 15,
like your sisters."

But you didn't.

No. I was always kind
of the gypsy of the family.

The rebel.

I wanted to see the
world. After high school,

I went to St. Gustave
University to study Latin.

I didn't know you studied Latin.

First in my class, Orothyday.

Well, what do you think?

Sophia, that looks beautiful.
It's absolutely gorgeous.

Don't you have to be a virgin
to wear a white wedding dress?

Please! The last
time I was a virgin,

the Louisiana Purchase
was still in escrow.

It doesn't matter. No one's
gonna see this. What do you mean?

According to Sicilian custom,

I can't marry unless I have
you-know-who's blessing.

Who? Dick Clark!

Dorothy, you idiot.

Dorothy, your
mother's talking to you.

Dorothy, I spoke to your Aunt
Regina in Sicily this morning

to tell her about the wedding.

She told me I'm in
for some very bad luck

unless I have the blessing
of my eldest daughter

or my child with
the most facial hair.

Either way, all
arrows point to you.

Ma, you know how I feel. I
cannot give you my blessing.

Dorothy, I love you, but
if you ruin my happiness,

I will put a Sicilian
curse on you

that will be like hell on Earth.

Ma, you can't put a Sicilian
curse on your eldest daughter

if the mother is marrying a man

under five foot seven!

You're not the only one with
Aunt Regina's phone number.

Damn MCI.

(Blanche) Sophia? Sophia?

(Rose) Sophia? Ha-ha-ha.

Where'd she go? The
wedding's about to start.

(toilet flushes)

Is that you, Sophia?
No, it's Merlin Olsen.

I'm watering my
forget-me-not bouquet.

Honey, we've come
to help you get ready.

The wedding is off.

What's going on? Where's Sophia?

She's locked herself in the
bathroom. She has pre-wedding jitters.

Sophia? It's me, Max.

Now, what's all this nonsense
about not wanting to get married?

Oh, Max, I love
you with all my heart.

The time we've spent together

has been some of
the happiest of my life.

But my Dorothy might be right.

Maybe it's not possible
to fall in love so quickly.

Maybe it's not possible
at all at our age.

But it sure felt like
it the other night

when we were
walking along the beach

and you took me in
your arms and said,

"Sophia, look up at
that beautiful moon.

"I wish I could throw a lasso
around it and give it to you.

That's how much I love you."

And then I said,
"Darling - Ma, stop. Stop.

Ma, listen, I have
to talk to you.

Who's in charge here?

What's the problem?

I'm the caterer. It's 2:00.

The guests are waiting. Why
isn't the show on the road?

Ma, I know you're in
there. The wedding is off.

She doesn't approve.
She doesn't approve?

Now look here, Stretch.

I have a hundred cheese
puffs and a sensitive assistant

both on the verge of collapse.

Whatever the
problem is, overlook it.

My mother did with my marriage.

And if you say something
smart, I'll slap you silly.

Listen, this is a private
moment, so butt out, Rambo.

Ma, I have a confession to make.

I came here to beg
you for the last time

not to get married.

I didn't want you
and Max together

because it looked like
you were cheating on Pop.

I know it doesn't
make any sense,

but I still think of the two
of you as being married.

I didn't want Max
taking Pop's place.

But now that I see the
two of you so much in love,

I realize I was just
being selfish, Ma.

Ma, I want you to be happy.

And I know Pop would, too.

I love you, pussycat.

This is more moving

than Susan Hayward's
climactic speech

in I Want To Live.

You're ready to fly right
out of here, aren't you?

Well, excuse me for
living, Anita Bryant.

Could we please get married
already so I can get in on the hugging?

Places! Oh, Sophia.

Honey, I want to wish you
all the happiness in the world.

Oh, thank you, Blanche.

And, Sophia, I want to offer you

a traditional Scandinavian
wedding blessing.

Keflectoflafen flafenflurfen,

potetaflingin kaflafen.

I'm really touched.

I'm also soaking wet.

All right! One group
hug, and let's hit the road.

Oh, Sophia, honey...

(organist plays "The
Wedding March" by Wagner)

Uh-oh.

Either I mixed the Elvis
list with the wedding list,

or everyone in Max's family

appeared on The
Ed Sullivan Show.

Who cares already?
Let's just do it!

We are gathered here today to join
this man and this woman in matrimony...

I just love weddings.
Oh, me too, me too.

You think you'll ever
get married again?

Oh, I don't know.
I don't think so.

Me, neither. How
about you, Blanche?

Oh, absolutely. If the
right man ever came along.

'Course, he'd have to have
the body of Mr. Mel Gibson,

the personality of
Mr. Johnny Carson,

and the financial resources
of Mr. Donald Trump.

I have a feeling the three of us are
going to be together for a long time.

Do you, Max, take Sophia to
be your lawfully wedded wife?

I do.

Then if no Elvis in this room
has any objection to this union,

I now pronounce you man
and wife. You may kiss the bride.

♪ I do love you
♪ With all my heart

♪ Blue skies of Hawaii smile

♪ On this ♪ Our wedding day ♪

Uh-huh.