The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 4, Episode 5 - Bang the Drum, Stanley - full transcript

When Sophia gets hit in the head by a baseball at a game, Stan encourages her to exaggerate her injuries to try and get a class action settlement out of it.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

Hi, Ma. What you doing?

Just looking through
the old photo album.

Boy, you were a cute
kid. Yeah, I was sorta cute.

Look, there I am
at seven. An angel.

Here I am at 11. Adorable.

Oh... Look, here I am at 15.

The beginning of the end.


How did the auditions go?

Great! You should've
tried out, Dorothy.

Everybody was really stinky - you
might have gotten a part this year.

Rose, don't be silly.
Dorothy couldn't get a part.

We're doing the
award-winning musical Cats.

You have to be agile,
graceful and sensual.

You're right, Blanche. I mean, how
could I possibly compete with you?

You've given some of your
finest performances in back alleys.

Dorothy Zbornak, I
resent that remark.

Have you been
talking to Ed Tyler?

That man has such a big mouth!

Which reminds me, I
wanna go give him a call.

Oh, God, she's
really a character!

She's also a cheap slut.

(doorbell rings)

Hi, it's me, Stan.
Oh, who cares!

Oh, hi, Sophia.

Babe, I was out taking a drive,
listening to the Dodgers on the radio

and I got a sudden
urge to see a ballgame.

Fine, Stanley. If you leave now, you
can make Dodger Stadium in five days.

Drive carefully.

Wait, Dorothy. I was thinking about
us - good old days, back in Brooklyn.

Ebbets Field.

Remember those
warm summer nights,

sitting in the bleachers,
eating hot dogs,

rooting for the Dodgers

and kissing passionately
between innings?

Stanley, you never
took me to Ebbets Field.

No? No!

Oh. It must have been one of
the guys from work. Yeah, that's it.

I've heard enough. You'll
have the time of your life.

The time of my life?

Stan, the last time you
said that, it took 12 seconds,

and I ended up three months'
pregnant at my own wedding.

Look, I'll level with you.

I got three tickets to today's game
and I can't find anyone to go with.

Guess I don't have many friends.

Oh, who are you kidding?

You don't have any friends.

Aw, I'll go with you,
Stan. Ma, you will?!

I'll be waiting in
the car, Stanley.


I can't think of anything in
the world I would rather do less.

Really? Would you like
to go to bed with me?

Take me out to the ballgame.

(panting) Stanley, these... these
seats are pretty far from the field.

Yeah. Dorothy, baseball was
meant to be seen from the bleachers,

in small, intimate
parks with real grass.

If there's anything I
hate, it's artificial turf.

That never stopped you
from growing it on your head.

Sophia, I'm having too much
fun to be bothered by your insults.

Are you comfy, babe?

Yeah. You know, this
must be my lucky day.

I usually end up sitting
next to a fat, sweaty man

who insists on
taking his shirt off.

What kept you?

You want a hot dog,
babe? No, thanks.

How about a sun visor? No.

You want a nice
cushion for your chair?

How about cutting
the crap, Stanley?

Why are we here, and
what is it you want from me?

OK. I was gonna wait
until we'd sung "Take Me

Out To The Ballgame"
but I'll tell you now.

I'm having a little
business problem.

What's the problem?

I'm bankrupt. (sobs)

Dorothy, I just need a few
bucks until the end of the month.

Come on, Ma, we're leaving. Wait.
I gotta see at least one man bat.

(batsman hits ball)

What a hit!

I got it. I got it. I got it!

Ma, are you all
right? Fine. Fine.

Only next time, Salvadore, either we start
lower on the bed or remove the headboard.

We rushed right
over from rehearsal.

How is she, Dorothy? Oh...

The doctor says she's fine.
She's just a little shaken up.

Right now rest is
the best thing for her.

She's a tough old broad. Yeah.

Well, I knew she'd be OK.

Something similar happened
to me back in St. Olaf.

I was injured during a spirited
game of gowhackanoggin.

Should I? What the heck!

Rose, what is gowhackanoggin?

It's a lot like baseball.
Except, instead of hitting a ball,

you whack yourself on the head.

After ten whacks, if you're still
standing, you take first base.

It's usually a very
low-scoring game.

Rose, let's go check out the coffee shop
- maybe we'll meet some cute doctors.

Hello! He's married.


Those two here for a CAT scan?

How's the patient?

Will you turn off that damn
light. I'm trying to sleep!


Where am I? Who am I?

Why am I so wrinkled?

Don't be alarmed. Temporary
amnesia is not uncommon.


It's Stan. Do you remember me?

Stan - tall, yutz, head looks
like a monkey's behind?

She's gonna be all right.

How are you feeling, Ma?
I'm fine. Let's go home.

Ma! Mrs. Petrillo.
I'm Dr. Cauley.

Pleased to meet you.
Well, goodbye. Mrs. Petrillo.

We'd really like you to stay
with us for the next 48 hours.

Please! For half the price, I could go to
Club Med, get a nicer room, better food,

and not be forced
to pee in a Dixie Cup.

Is there a draft in here?

Oh, whoa!

Ma, get back in that bed.

There's nothing wrong
with me. I'm in tip-top shape.

There's no reason
for me to stay here.



Calm down. Calm
down. What's wrong?

These two drive me crazy. They drink
milk off the floor, scratch the furniture,

and this one just
coughed up a fur ball!

That was not a
fur ball, it was...

Rose, who cares what it was!

Now, quit driving Ma crazy.

Dorothy, our director said to prepare
for our roles, we must become cats.

That's why I've been
playing with your ball of yarn

and Blanche has been
making those high-pitched

screeching sounds
in her room at night.

You've been practicing for this part
for a lifetime, haven't you, Blanche?

Ma, listen. The doctor said
you are supposed to be in bed.

Oh, I'm fine. (doorbell rings)

I just came from the hospital. They told
me Sophia was discharged. Is she here?

No, I haven't taken her out
of the trunk of the car yet.

Oh, there you are,
Sophia. Are you OK?

Hey, I just spent two
days in the hospital

naked under a sheet with
strange men inspecting my body

with cold metal instruments.

Which reminds me, has
Ed Tyler returned my call?

Come on, Blanche, we
need to rehearse some more.

Will you help us,
Dorothy? Oh, all right.

Maybe we can find an old
rug to sharpen our claws on.

How about the one
on Stanley's head?

Sophia, you know, it's been a
long time since we've had a talk.

Very good reason for
that - I hate talking to you.

What a great sense of humor!

What would you say if I told you

I've come up with a great way
to make some fast money for us,

and all you have to
do is lie on your back?

I'd say you're about 50
years too late on that one!

I'm talking about a lawsuit.

If we can show that
you're severely injured,

we can sue the ball club and
the ballpark for a lot of money.

I'm not severely injured.

You can fake it. I have a good
doctor friend who will back you up.

I'm appalled.
Shocked. Disgusted.

How much money
are we talking about?

A couple of hundred
thousand, at least.

A couple of hundred thousand?!

Where's Ma?

(Sophia) Down here, paralyzed.


Sophia! Honey!

Oh, dear!

Ma, I insist on taking
you back to the hospital.

I don't want to
go to the hospital.

Sophia, you ought to
at least see a doctor.

Doctor's coming. What doctor?

He's a friend of mine.
We're going to the hospital.

This guy is good. He's probably the most
learned, respected neurologist in Florida.

How'd you ever
meet a man like that?

We were judges at
a wet T-shirt contest.

I'm calling the hospital.
No, Dorothy, stop.

I really feel like
this is all my fault.

That's why I'm getting
him - he's the best.

And I'm gonna pay for him.

You, paying for something?!

What are you saying, I'm cheap?

Of course she's
saying you're cheap.

You're the only man I know
who owns a timeshare dog.

Ma, listen, I'm taking
you to the hospital.

No, I want Stan's doctor.
I trust this sweet man.

Mom... "Sweet"?!

Ma, you hate Stan. Not anymore.

Now I love him.

Love, love, love, love this man.

Oh, Ma! Now, what
the hell is going on?

Let me tell you something
I've never told a living soul.

When I was unconscious,
hovering between life and death,

I began a journey
toward a great white light.

Along the way were all the
people who went before me.

I saw my parents.
I saw your father.

I saw the Ritz Brothers.

Believe me, they're
much funnier dead.

As I was about to enter
the light, a voice boomed,

"Before you can enter
the gates of heaven,

you must patch things up
with your ex-son-in-law Stan."

You see, babe? It's all part
of the big guy's master plan.

I am but a humble servant.

Mr. Belvedere is a humble servant,
Stanley. You're a horse's ass.

(doorbell rings)

Hey, big guy. Everybody,
this is Doctor... Jerry.

Dr. Jerry.

It must be great
having just one name.

You don't have to worry about people
misspelling your last name all the time.

Is your last name
difficult to spell?

Yes. But I'm
getting better at it.

This must be our patient.

No, no, Jerry, it's...

it's the old paralyzed
lady on the couch.

Doctor, I just don't understand.
She was fine this morning.

Ladies, could I ask you,
please, for complete silence?

Never mind. I thought I
heard a radio going next door -

I'm trying to catch
a baseball score.

Will you please get on
with the examination. OK.

Open your mouth
and say "Aah." Aah.

Yep, she's paralyzed. That's it!

What? Get out. Out!

Dorothy... Je...

Nice going. It won't be easy to get
him to come back for another house call.

I cannot believe that you asked
this man to examine my mother!

That's one doctor whose bedside
manner I have no interest in.

We definitely need
a second opinion.

I wouldn't go to bed
with him either, Dorothy.

Ma, I am taking you
to the hospital. No.

Why not? Are you trying to tell me that
possibly there is nothing wrong with you?

No. I feel better
just lying here.

The ride in the car could
only make me feel worse.

She's right. Sometimes
just lying motionless

is the best thing
a person can do.

That didn't sound right when you said it
on our honeymoon, and it doesn't now.

(TV) A curve ball right up the middle.
The shortstop should have had that one.

Nice going! I can cover more
ground than you in my wheelchair!

(car door slams)

(TV off)

How're you feeling, Ma?

No improvement.

I'm sorry. By the way, you're
wearing your knee brace on your neck.

I know Ma is faking. She
is not really paralyzed.

It's only natural for
you to feel that way.

At the counseling center we learn that the
first reaction to catastrophe is denial.

Rose, I am not in denial.

Oh, yes, you are. You're
just denying you're in denial.

Rose, I am not denying
that I am in denial.

If you're not denying you're
in denial, then you're in denial.

Look, fluffhead!

Why should I deny being in denial
when I never said I was in denial?

You are the one who said I was
in denial, and don't you deny it!

Listen, Dorothy, I think
your mother's faking, too.

But what if she isn't? Just try
putting yourself in her position.

Do you know how much it hurts to
have someone you love not trust you?

I sure do. Rose, I was
about to tell a story.

I wanna tell one. Dorothy?

Boy, this is a no-win situation.

But go ahead, Blanche. Fine.

You may never
get to hear my story.

Then I'm wrong. It
isn't a no-win situation.

I was still in high
school at the time

and I was having an
affair with a very handsome

exchange student named
Jean-Pierre Fontainebleau.

I think he was
French or something.

He was always sneering
and he wore a beret.

We weren't allowed to
wear berets in high school.

It was against the
St. Olaf dress code.

They did let me wear
a paper cap a lot.

It was long and pointy.

More a cone shape than a beret.

Anyway, Jean-Pierre must have known
about my reputation for playing the field,

because from the beginning he
was convinced I couldn't be faithful.

He would spy on me in my classes,
he'd follow me home from school.

Some nights he would even shimmy
up the oak tree outside my bedroom door,

hoping to catch me in the act.

What act?

Second act of My
Fair Lady, Rose.

Finally, I had to tell him I couldn't
take it anymore, and we broke up.

I was completely crushed.

I guess you really liked him.

No, I really liked the American boy he
was rooming with, Bobby-Joe Nugent.

We'd been having an affair for months in
the one place Jean-Pierre never looked!

The Eiffel Tower.

Actually, it was in the
cutaway Oldsmobile

that they kept in the Drivers
Ed department at school.

Oh, lordy, the things
I did in that car!

It's a good thing old St.
Christopher had his back to me.

There's no doubt
about it, she's faking.

Uh-uh. I didn't learn to
do that till I was married.

I meant Ma, Blanche!

And I'm gonna go
prove it right now.

Hiya, Ma. How're you doing?

Oh! Oh! Oh, Ma, I feel dizzy!

Oh, there's a pain
going up my arm!

My chest! Ma!

(doorbell rings)

Will you answer the
door, Dorothy, please?

Ma, it's my heart! My heart!

Run into the
kitchen and get help!

Who am I, Lassie? Next you'll
order me into a burning barn!

(doorbell rings) I'm
coming! I'm coming!

Stanley, my favorite

How was the trip
to the attorney?

We've gotta talk. What's
wrong with Dorothy?

She's faking a
heart attack, I think.

Listen, Stanley, you're not
gonna get away with this.

I know you're just doing
it for the settlement.

What makes you think I'm not
doing it out of love for Sophia?

Because you are a liar,
a cheat and a scuzzball.

Sure, dwell on the negative!

Sophia, we've got
a major problem -

the insurance company won't
accept Dr. Jerry's medical report.


Something about
his prison record.

They insist you be examined
by one of their physicians.

This is a real bummer. We've gotten this
far and it's starting to all fall apart.

It's over. (sobbing)

Stanley... Stanley, don't worry.

I'm 82 years old. My bones are
brittle. My muscles are atrophied.

My circulation is worse than
US News & World Report.

There's no physical they can
give that Sophia Petrillo can't fail.

Ma, I'll go tell the
nurse you're here.

That's a lovely
chair. Oh, thank you.

I'd give anything for
an electric wheelchair.

I just don't have the strength
to push this like I used to.

That's too bad.

If things go well, I'll give you
this chair in a couple of weeks.

Oh... I wish I had
your positive attitude.

The doctors told me
it'd be a waste of time.

Doctors! What do they know? They
spend 20 years in medical school,

they still don't know enough to warm
their hands before they do a breast exam.

Unfortunately, they do
know I'll never walk again.


Stan, did you hear
that? Yeah. Terrible.

You got any gum on you?

Stan! These poor people.

How can we take
advantage of this situation?

Sophia, we've come this far.
Just think about the money.

Think about it so hard that
you block out everything else.

Especially him.

Hi, I'm Timmy. What's your name?

None of your business.
Leave her alone.

Ma, the nurse wants to know if you'd
mind if this little boy goes ahead of you.

Oh, no problem.

Oh, no. You need to see a doctor
just as much as me. I'll wait my turn.

No, kid. It's your turn.

I don't need to see a doctor.

You were right, Dorothy. I
was faking. Sophia, I'm shocked.

Dorothy, I had no idea.

I used to think you were
the scum of the earth.

I have just
downgraded my opinion!

What I did was wrong. I feel humiliated
in the presence of you courageous people.

I offer you my
heartfelt sympathies.

Well, what do you say,
everybody? Shall we forgive her?

(murmurs of agreement)

Ma, Stanley, I'd like you to meet some
of the actors from the community theater.

They'll be performing
Cats next month.

And the kid, is he an actor too?

Yes. Maybe you've seen him
in the Burger City commercial.

Are you the boy who jumps for joy when you
get two hamburgers for the price of one?

You stunk!

Come on. Let's go home.

Are you ever gonna
talk to me again?

What you did was a mean,
dirty, underhanded trick.

I had no choice. It
was like The Exorcist -

I was battling
Stan for your soul.

Well, I'm off to rehearsal. It's
such a nice day, I think I'll walk.

Like that?!

No, I'll probably take longer strides
when I get to the sidewalk. Bye.

I meant her costume. People
are gonna think she's nuts.

They think she's nuts
anyway. This'll confirm it.

(dog barking) (Rose) Help! Help!

Let me in! Help! Help!

Help! (screams)

Rose is in big trouble.
That's Dreyfuss.

It took two guys to pry him off
the Steinbergs' plastic flamingos.

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