The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 4, Episode 4 - Yokel Hero - full transcript

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

(sighs)

Oh!



Why do they schedule
the charity softball game

on the hottest day of the year?

I know it. I'm all
hot and sweaty,

I'm short of breath and
I'm physically exhausted.

You'd think I had a good time.

You didn't have fun?

Only thing I really enjoyed
was stealing second base.

When have you not enjoyed
sliding under a man in uniform?

It's hotter in here
than it is outside.

Oh, no.

Of all days for the air
conditioner to break down.

We'd better call the repairman.

His number's in the kitchen.

So is the ice cream.



We can have some
while we're waiting.

Ma, what are you doing?

I'm giving the leftover
meat loaf a thrill.

What do you
think? It's hot as hell.

Close it before the food spoils.

OK.

I meant the refrigerator.

I'm gonna call the repairman.

I already did. He said he'd be over in
15 minutes. That was three hours ago.

Well, let's break out the
ice cream. What's this?

I froze my underwear
to stay cool.

I'd lend you a pair, but on you
I'm afraid they'd melt too fast.

I don't believe it.

This is incredible news.

I've been nominated for
St. Olaf woman of the year.

That's nice. Did the
new TV Guide come yet?

Blanche, you don't understand. In St.
Olaf this is the highest honor there is.

I never dreamed that
someone as unqualified as I am

would ever be nominated
for anything so important.

I guess Dan Quayle really
opened the floodgates.

Last year Gretchen
Lillehammer won

for running into the burning
library and saving all the books.

That is amazing.
How'd she do that?

She took two books in one hand and
one in the other and ran like the dickens.

Your library only
has three books?

What happens when a
person's read them all?

I guess we'll cross that
bridge when we get to it.

(knock at door)

I'm gonna go to my room and
write down my achievements.

You know, it doesn't
matter whether I win.

I mean, just being
nominated is enough.

That's a good attitude, Rose.

It's also a crock of bull.
I want that sucker bad.

This is Fred. He'll fix
the air conditioning.

Thank God. This
heat's driving me crazy.

You're not the only one.
The old lady next door

is running through a
sprinkler in her underwear.

There's no old
lady living... Ma!

This is unbearable.
It must be 110 in here.

I'll tell you a very simple
way to beat the heat.

Imagine yourself
in a cool place.

Like a snowy, windy
mountaintop in Colorado.

With a ski instructor
named Fritz.

And a bearskin rug and a bottle
of brandy and a crackling fire.

My God, Dorothy, it
must be 120 in here.

Morning, Rose.

Dorothy, sometimes
you can be so cruel.

Honey, what's the matter?

Everything.

I just found out I'm the
most boring person alive.

Did something happen
to Regis Philbin?

No.

I was listing my accomplishments

for the St. Olaf
woman of the year.

It wasn't till I saw
them in black and white

that I realized my top
accomplishments aren't worth a damn.

Oh, come on, now, Rose.

You're forgetting how
much you give to people.

How about your work
at the counseling center?

That's right. You must help
hundreds of people every year.

All I do is talk to
them. Big deal.

Well, it is a big deal.

Do you know how much a kind and
loving word means to a person in despair?

That is your gift, Rose,
and I wouldn't take it lightly.

You're just saying that. I haven't
added anything to the world.

Look, Rose. God
doesn't make mistakes.

We were all put on
this planet for a purpose.

Blanche, you're here
to work in a museum

so that art can be
appreciated by humanity.

Dorothy, you're here as a substitute
teacher to educate our youth.

Rose, you're here
because the rhythm method

was very popular in the '20s.

OK? I'm going to the
movies. Good-bye.

I'm going to bed.

Oh, come on.
Rose, you just got up.

With my life, it's not
like I'll miss anything.

Poor Rose. I hate
seeing her so upset.

She's not very good
at judging herself.

She can't see her
accomplishments as we can.

You know something, maybe all this
résumé needs is just a little punching up.

Exaggerate the truth? Create
wild stories just to impress people?

Dorothy, you can't
do that. I know.

That's my specialty.

Let's see here.

"Found a baby robin that fell out
of its tree and returned it to its nest."

Make that a baby
eagle. "Baby ea-gle."

And it happened
during a big rainstorm.

"Rainstorm."

Which caused a mighty
flood that covered all the land.

Oh, come on.

Blanche, nobody in his right
mind is gonna believe this story.

This is going to St. Olaf.
"Which caused a mighty flood..."

Honey, are you feeling better?

A little. I tried this technique I
read about to cheer myself up.

You stand in front of a mirror

and you tell
yourself, "I love you,"

and then you give
yourself a great big hug.

Yeah, my son Phil used
to do that all the time.

He couldn't pass a mirror
without saying, "I love you."

I can't tell you how many times

he got punched out
in the men's room.

(doorbell)

We are the St. Olaf
woman-of-the year panel.

Does Rose Nylund live here?

I'm Rose Nylund.

Aren't you a little overdressed?

I told you we didn't
have to wear a tie.

Allow us to introduce ourselves.

I'm Len, this is
Sven, and this is Ben.

We are the
Toppelkoffer triplets.

How odd. You don't
look anything alike.

Oh, really? Well, back in St.
Olaf, nobody could tell us apart.

You can imagine
all the fun we had

playing tricks on our
teachers in school.

Which of you brothers
has custody of the brain?

So, what brings
you guys to Miami?

Wait a minute. I'll bet
this has something to do

with the St. Olaf
woman-of-the-year award.

No wonder she's a finalist.

Did I win? Not yet.

A lot would depend on verifying
the facts in this here biography.

(Rose) Oh, this is so exciting.

Let me get us some
refreshments before we start.

(Dorothy) Make yourselves
comfortable. Sorry it's hot.

And here we are in the middle of a
heat wave with no air conditioning.

Not necessarily. If Rose wins,

you'll be flown to St. Olaf
to attend the ceremony.

Well, this year I was
planning to watch it on TV.

You know, if all goes well
with this here interview,

you can start
packing right away.

Oh, I don't think I'd bother
Rose with an old interview.

You'd just embarrass
her. She's so modest.

I'm sorry, but we must
conduct face-to-face interviews

with all the candidates.

Here we are.

I made some nice, hot cocoa.

Now, Rose, tell us how you got
up the courage to save that eagle.

It was just a bird.

What about saving
that there school bus?

I just gave it directions.

There was a bridge washed
out on the road ahead.

Really?

Wait a minute. I can't
take credit for those things.

Rose, please.

Gentlemen, you're embarrassing
her. I mean, the woman is a saint.

And she's far too
modest to take credit

for any of her good deeds.

So what do you say? Do
we have a winner here or not?

Rose Nylund, you are St.
Olaf's woman of the year.

(all) Oofda!

(PA) Ladies and gentlemen, the
fasten-your-seatbelts sign is now off.

If anyone knows how to fix it,

please report to
the flight attendant.

I don't get it.

Why did we get off that
jetliner in Minneapolis

and switch to this
rickety old thing?

Because the jets are too
big to land at St. Gustave.

St. Gustave? I thought
we were flying to St. Olaf.

St. Olaf doesn't
have an airport.

The only way you can get to
St. Olaf is to fly to St. Gustave

and then take land
transportation to St. Olaf.

Even the birds do it that
way when they migrate.

I don't believe this.

Could be worse. We could
be going to Beaver Falls.

Beaver Falls? That's my stop.

I just can't believe we're
on our way to St. Olaf.

Oh, I'm so excited. You
girls are gonna love it.

But I guess everybody thinks
his home town is pretty special.

I do. I'll never forget when I
went back after many years,

it was just as I remembered.

Garbage in the street,

prostitutes in the doorways,

a couple of guys hanging from
their heels in the town square...

I can't go on. Got
a handkerchief?

Honey, why are
you getting all teary?

Sicily sounds just awful.

That wasn't Sicily. That was
my first apartment in Brooklyn.

Well, I'll tell you, the best
part of this whole thing

is sharing the most important moment
of your life with your best friends.

We're just happy to be with you
when you get your little plaque.

Oh, Blanche, it's
more than a plaque.

In St. Olaf it's
the highest honor.

We all think of it as a reminder

that no matter how bad things
may be in the rest of the world,

St. Olaf is still a place
that's filled with honest people

leading honest lives.

Well, we're just really
proud of you, Rose.

I'm sure, Rose, that there is nobody
who deserves that award more than you do.

This is the captain speaking.

We are about to begin our
descent to St. Gustave airport.

At least I think
it's the airport.

Wow, in 20 minutes
we'll be in St. Gustave.

Then we'll hop on a
train for Zumbro Falls

and we'll grab the shuttle.

By my estimation we should
be in St. Olaf in a couple of days.

(all) Days?

I will never forgive that
airline as long as I live.

I can't believe they
lost our luggage.

I have to go a whole
weekend without underwear.

Yeah, and you usually slip
into a pair by Sunday afternoon.

God, I hate fog.

Why? You've spent
most of your life in one.

I meant if it were clearer we
could see Mount Losenbaden.

What's Mount Losenbaden?

It's kinda like Mount Rushmore,

except they sculpted four losers

of presidential elections
in the mountainside.

Let's see. There was Alf
Landen, Wendell Wilkie

and Adlai Stevenson
and Adlai Stevenson.

Why are there two
Adlai Stevensons?

Blanche, isn't it
obvious? He lost twice.

Oh, God, it's making sense.

Come on. From the other side of the
train we'll be able to see Lake Losenbaden.

What's that in the
shape of? A lake.

I think we'll just sit here.

I'll go with you, Rose. I'm
a sucker for natural beauty.

And a gin and tonic.
Let's find the bar car.

Blanche, I'm glad we're alone.

There's something
I think we should do.

Dorothy, I like you as a
friend, but I think I'll pass.

What? What? What did you mean?

Well, I think that we have
to tell Rose what we did.

I have been thinking
the same thing.

If they ever find out about
those lies in her biography,

she'll be the laughing stock of
St. Olaf. Shh. Here they come.

Girls, girls, I just realized we're about
to go through the Zumbro Falls tunnel.

Rose, honey, listen. There's
something we want to tell you.

Not now. We could be in trouble.

People have vanished off the earth
when they go through that tunnel.

Honey, that's just ridiculous.
Hold on. Here we go.

(Blanche) Rose, listen. It's
about your biography, honey.

There's something
in there that...

Well, what is the
word I'm looking for?

I don't know exactly
how to say this.

Wait a minute. Where's Ma?

Oh, my God, no. The curse
of the Zumbro Falls tunnel.

Sophia! Ma!

(Sophia) What?

Ma, where are you?
Are you all right?

(toilet flushes)

(Sophia) I am now.

I can't believe this is
the shuttle to St. Olaf.

How you doing
up there, Ma? Fine.

Sophia, why don't you
want to sit back here with us?

Because after three days
on the road with you guys,

this jackass smells better.

Thank you.

Look at that beautiful sky.

That's one of the most
wonderful things about being here.

It is beautiful. It looks like
you could reach those stars.

I can't tell you how
many people in St. Olaf

have fallen off
their roofs trying.

Rose, are we
anywhere near St. Olaf?

We're getting close.

Look, there's the
old tree house.

Gee, when I was a kid
my best friend Ingrid and I

used to go up
there all the time.

Oh, gosh, I miss her. I
haven't talked to her in ages.

Why don't you give her a call?

Maybe I will. Sure.

Hey, Ingrid!

(woman in distance)
Is that you, Rose?

Well, how are you?

Fine, Ingrid! How are you?

Oh, fine.

Well, nice talking to you.

Bye, Rose.

Bye, Ingrid!

Oh, thank you, Blanche.
That was a great idea.

It's great bringing two
idiots closer together.

I think that's the motto of the
St. Olaf telephone company.

I'm getting nervous.

Just think, tomorrow I'll
stand in front of the entire town

and be crowned St.
Olaf woman of the year.

Are you Rose Nylund? Yes.

Oh, it's an honor
to drive the woman

that beat out Emma Immerhoffer

for St. Olaf woman of the year.

I beat Emma?

Yeah. We thought
she'd be a sure win.

Running the orphanage, taking in the
homeless, running them soup kitchens.

Emma did all that? Oh, she's a
saint. How did I ever beat her?

Rose, there's something
we have to tell you.

You see, what Blanche
and I did was... well...

What Dorothy's trying to say
is that we love you so much,

and we wanted you to win so bad

that we fudged some of
the things on your biography.

Fudged?

Fudge makes it
sound cute. You lied.

We embellished, Rose.

Rose, you do good things.

I mean, you are the kindest,
most decent human being we know.

You deserve to win.

But you lied. I'm not
going through with this.

I can't go back home and do something
that's against everything I stand for.

I'm gonna call St. Olaf and
tell them we're not coming.

Driver, stop at the first phone.

Good morning! Isn't it great
to be home? Absolutely.

You know, I have
an irresistible urge

to kiss every piece of
furniture in the house.

You wouldn't if you had
dates like other people.

Oh, hi, Rose. Oh, Rose, come on.

You're not still mad because
we changed your application?

Honey, we're so sorry.

I just hate it when you're
mad at us and get like this.

OK, you're forgiven.
Oh, that was easy.

Well, I thought it all over

and you were just
trying to help me.

And I can't stay mad
at my best friends.

After all, we've eaten over
500 cheesecakes together.

Besides, you weren't
raised in St. Olaf.

It's not your fault you're
chronic two-faced liars.

(Harry) Hello!

Oh, Dr. Harry Weston,

and I'm not dressed, thank God.

Hi, neighbors. Welcome
home. Hi, Dreyfuss.

Hi, Harry. What
brings you here today?

You called and told
me you were here.

Remember you asked me
to save your mail for you?

Oh, yes. So I did.
Thank you, Harry.

You're just about the sweetest
thing in my whole zip code.

I don't know why I haven't
had you... over to dinner.

Well, that would
be real nice, yeah.

I've also been meaning to talk
to you about an examination.

Blanche, I'm a pediatrician.

Harry, I'm not sick.

Well, now I really have to
go and so does Dreyfuss.

That's why we're taking a walk -
because we both really need to go.

That's not what I mean. I mean I'll
be walking, Dreyfuss will be going.

See you all. Come on,
Dreyfuss. (all) Bye, Harry.

Boy, I know the
prescription for me.

One of him every four hours.

Is this for me?

It's from St. Olaf. Blanche.

What was all that
stuff with Harry?

You know, the man has
not dated since his wife died.

You can't spend your
whole life in mourning,

especially when you're the
most eligible bachelor in town.

In Sicily we have a simple rule.

If your husband dies,
you wait 20 years

or until you grow a mustache.

Blanche, we all
had an agreement.

No one dates Harry until an
appropriate amount of time has passed.

I know. 18 months.

I have it marked on my
calendar with a big, red circle.

As of today, that
man is in play.

I'm just amazed I was
able to wait so long.

He is so sophisticated and
charming and rich and handsome.

He fairly screams Blanche.

At least he will before
I'm through with him.

Girls, look.

It's the St. Olaf
woman-of-the-year trophy.

It says here I won
woman of the year after all

because I embody the
values of truth and honesty

for which the award stands.

What happened to
Emma Immerhoffer?

She was disqualified. They
found a skeleton in her closet.

What was it? Mr. Immerhoffer.

This thing isn't
solid gold, is it?

Oh, no. You just peel off the gold
foil and it's pure milk chocolate.

Oh, that's the loveliest trophy I've
ever seen. I'm gonna get a knife.

Rose, there is no way that we can
tell you how proud of you we are.

There is. Congratulations,
Rose Nylund.

You are St. Olaf's
woman of the year.

(all) Oofda!