The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 4, Episode 3 - The One That Got Away - full transcript

Blanche tries to woo Ham Lushbough, the only man who ever turned her down. Meanwhile, Rose believes she saw a UFO fly over the house.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true



♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for being a friend"

Check. Check.

I'll open for a quarter. I'm in.

I'll see your quarter and
I'll raise you a quarter.

By the way, Rose,
your shoe is untied.

I'm too smart for you, Sophia.

You're not gonna
distract me this time.



Besides, I'm wearing pumps.

Your pump is untied.

Oh, thanks.

Look! Mr. Feinbaum's totally
naked in his bedroom window!

That is the third time
we caught you cheating.

Ma, you're out of the game.

Hey, gimme a break!

When you're 80,
you're allowed to cheat -

just like you're allowed to take
money out of your daughter's purse.

Oops!

Uh... was that the phone?

Don't trouble
yourselves. I'll get it.

How did you know your
mother was cheating?

Because Mr. Feinbaum never
walks around totally naked.

He always wears a
boy-scout neckerchief.

But never in the
same place twice.

Which is why there's
no Mrs. Feinbaum. Deal.

(whoosh)

Did you see that,
Dorothy? It was a UFO!

Rose, don't be ridiculous. It
was a plane. Deal, come on.

Planes don't fly over
residential neighborhoods.

Neither do UFOs.

They only fly over
empty fields in Kentucky,

where fat guys in
overalls named Cooley

have just run out of gas.

I think we ought to
call the authorities.

Rose, there is no
such thing as a UFO.

They were probably looking for
someone to bring up to the ship.

Fine, you stay out here.

Flag them down
if they fly by again.

I'll go inside and pack a bag.

But I wanna be the one to go.

Whose bag do you
think I'm gonna pack?

(self-satisfied laughter)

(squeal)

Blanche, are you in a good mood?

Dorothy, you always
could see right through me.

Keep it up with
those Chips Ahoy!,

and Superman couldn't
see right through you.

I just got off the phone
with Ham Lushbough,

who happens to be
the most charming,

most intelligent, most gorgeous,

most sexy man on the
face of this entire planet.

We went to college together.
Look, there's his picture.

Wow! He sure is handsome.

Oh... What did he have to say?

Oh, that he's in
town on business

and that he's single again

and that he'd love to be my date

for the museum
ball Saturday night.

The museum ball?

Didn't Roger postpone
his kidney transplant

so he could be your date?

What's your point?

Sorry to interrupt. Go on.

Well, Dorothy, you have no idea

how my sister Virginia and I
used to chase after this boy.

Well, everybody
did. He had it all -

football star, champion
debater, class valedictorian.

How long did you and he date?

Well, we didn't.

But it wasn't
'cause I didn't try.

Oh, I can still
remember the night

of the big rally before
the homecoming game.

There stood Ham,
just handsome as ever.

I walked over to him and
asked him the one question

that had been burning on my
tongue for the last four years.

"Ham, think you might like
a little company tonight?"

You know what he said?

"Maybe some
other time, Blanche."

Can you believe that?
"Maybe some other time"!

Blanche, that doesn't
seem so mean.

He had the band
spell it out on the field.

And, Dorothy, to this day,

Ham Lushbough
remains the one man

in my entire life I
could not conquer.

The one!

But come Saturday
night, I have a feeling

my record's gonna
be intact again.

Ooh!

I wouldn't be so
sure if I were Blanche.

Sometimes these
things aren't meant to be.

Like me and Fabrizio Ribeno.

We were on the verge
of a passionate love affair

when Destiny intervened.

Don't tell me. His
wife, Destiny Ribeno?

Right. Boy, did
she have a temper.

She dragged him away
by the hair on his back,

smashed his skull
with a ravioli crank,

and threw his limp
body in the river.

That's a Sicily you
don't see on postcards.

Rose, what are you doing?

I'm trying to lure that UFO back

with a flashlight and a pie pan.

I read an article once
in the St. Olaf Time

that said this is the
best way to do it.

What's the St. Olaf Time?

Well, it's 7:15 here.
You subtract an hour...

Forget it! Forget it.

Now, look, all this
nonsense has to stop, Rose.

What we saw was not a UFO.

Well, it wasn't a plane.

Planes aren't that
thin, or that bright.

Neither is Oprah Winfrey, but that
doesn't make her a flying saucer.

The point is, nobody
knows what we saw.

You don't. I don't. Not
even Major Barker does.

Major Barker?

That's the man I spoke to today

down at the military base.

I told him what we saw, and
he said they'd check into it.

Rose, how could you do that?

Don't you know what's
going to happen?

This is gonna end
up in all the tabloids.

I can see it now, right
next to "Woman Gives Birth

to Doc Severinsen Look-alike."

"Dorothy Zbornak
Meets Spacemen."

Why do you get all the credit?

Girls!

Girls, look.

How do I look? Great, Blanche.

Great? Or gorgeous?

Gorgeous.

What about sexy? Yes.

Enticing? I'll handle this.

Blanche, no woman ever looked
better than you look right now,

and no one ever will.

Thank you, Dorothy.

Honestly, Rose, sometimes
it's like pulling teeth

to get a little
compliment out of you.

(doorbell rings)

There's the bell.

That must be Ham at the door.

Come on, come on!

(doorbell)

Sophia, wait,
wait, wait a minute.

Blanche, will you calm down?

I have never seen you so
worked up over one date.

I let this man slip through
my fingers once before.

I don't intend to
let it happen again.

He couldn't slip
through your fingers now

if you used a shoehorn.

Oh, my God!

Blanche? Ham?

H-Ham Lushbough.
Just look at you.

What else can we look at?

The man's covering half
the pictures on our wall.

I don't blame you
for looking surprised.

There's a little more of
me than there used to be.

Well, maybe a little
here, a little there.

Ham, I'm Dorothy. How
do you do? How do you do?

This is my mother,
Sophia. That's Rose.

Hello. (Ham) How do you do?

So, what exactly is
"Ham" short for, Ham?

My guess would be
ham and potatoes.

Well, we'd better
be running along.

We don't want to be late.

I'm sure you'll have
a wonderful evening.

It was very nice
meeting all of you.

Same here. I hope we
get to see more of you.

Don't even bother.

Bye. Bye.

Boy, he sure looks
different from his picture.

You know, sometimes
people can lose their looks.

Not in Sicily.

In Sicily, if you're born
beautiful, you stay beautiful.

The whole town sees to it.

They check up on you, they
encourage you, they never let you slip.

That's why we were so
happy when Dorothy was born.

Oh, Ma.

Who needed all those people
bothering us all the time?

I'm going back outside, Dorothy.

Fine, Rose.

(doorbell)

Is Rose Nylund in?

Yes. Please come
in. Please come in.

You must be the man that
Rose spoke to - Major Barker?

That's correct.
Please, sit down.

Listen, um... before I get
Rose, let me assure you,

she is the only one here
who thinks she saw a UFO.

I understand
completely, Ms. Zbornak.

By the way, is that
Ms. Zbornak or Mrs.?

I'm hoping it's Ms.

Well, yes.

Yes, as a matter of fact, it is.

Good.

I've already got that
box checked on this form.

Now, in this case,

we've done most of
the research at the base,

so I just have a couple of
routine questions to follow up.

Question number one -

was the object you saw
more triangular or cylindrical?

No, triangular.

Was it blue in color?

Yes.

Did it leave a faint
trail of yellow exhaust?

Yes, it did!

Very good.

Ms. Zbornak, there's a
perfectly simple explanation

for what you saw.

Well, I always
knew there would be.

What you and Rose
Nylund saw was a UFO.

(Blanche laughs)

Oh, Ham, you always did
know how to make me laugh.

It's nice to know I
haven't lost it - all of it.

Oh, now, don't
you talk like that.

You haven't lost a thing.

Why, the way
you can tell a story,

the way you twirled me
around that dance floor,

you'd think it was 30 years ago.

Oh, gosh, look at
the time. I'd better go.

Oh, baloney! It's late now,

in ten minutes
it'll still be late.

You just sit yourself
down right there. Go on.

Thattaboy. Ha ha ha.

I had a nice time
tonight, Blanche.

You know, I did too.

And I wasn't sure I
would, if you want the truth.

What?

Well, this may sound
funny, but I kept thinking,

"Here I am," you know,
"so bald and so heavy.

"What if I show up and
Blanche looks just as pretty

as she did 30 years ago?"

But I don't. No, you don't.

What?

You look prettier.

Oh... No, I mean it! I mean it!

The face and the
figure and that smile -

it's all gotten better.

Unless it's just my age making
me want to see those things.

No!

I'm glad I looked
you up, Blanche.

I haven't had this
much fun in a long time.

Well, I guess I'd better
be getting back to the hotel.

Oh, honey, are you
sure you have to?

Blanche, are you asking me
what I think you're asking me?

Think you might like
some company tonight?

Maybe some other time, Blanche.

What are you doing, Dorothy?

Oh... looking at the stars.

Pondering the universe.

I've been doing the same thing,

thinking how wonderful it would
be if there really were aliens.

Maybe it'd be just like Cocoon,

and they'd take us away
and we'd never grow old.

See, I don't
know. I like my life.

I mean, I'm not
president or anything.

I'm just a teacher.

A substitute teacher.

A divorced substitute teacher,

who can't even afford
her own place to live.

Beam me up!

"Beam me up"?
Dorothy, you believe?

Rose, they checked
out what we saw,

and it actually was a UFO.

Dorothy, where are you
going? We might miss the aliens.

That would be fine with me.

Dorothy, why are
you talking that way?

I think it's wonderful

that there are other beings
out there trying to meet us.

They might have solutions
to all our problems,

cures for our diseases,

new story lines for ALF.

They might also have
tentacles on their legs

so that they can suck all
the blood out of our heads!

I'm sorry, Rose. I'm sorry.

Part of me is very excited,
but part of me is petrified.

I cannot relax with this.

Unfortunately, I'm going to
have to, because Major Barker

does not want us to
say a word about this

to anyone until we
hear from him again.

Not a word. Is that understood?

Yes.

I thought I heard voices in
here. What you girls doing?

Oh, nothing.

We're just sitting talking.

Not talking about
anything special.

The subject of
aliens never came up.

Well, I can give you
something to talk about -

my date tonight.

Which turned out to be
the most humiliating evening

I've ever spent
in my entire life.

So, what are we talking about?

Blanche's date.

He turned me down,
again. I'm just devastated.

Come on. Now,
Blanche, you said yourself

you didn't find him
that attractive anymore.

That's not the point, Dorothy.

The point is, to
Blanche Devereaux,

sexuality and attractiveness
are two very important things.

They are Blanche Devereaux.

It just tortures me to know
that there's one man out there -

one on the face of God's
green earth - that I cannot have.

Especially if he's fat and bald!

Blanche, forget about it.

I can't forget about it.

There's only one
thing for me to do.

I'm going to call him up,

and tomorrow night I'm
going out with that man again.

I don't care what amount
of seducing it takes,

but as God is my witness,

I am not returning to this house

until he has begged,

beseeched and pleaded with me

to go to bed with him.

You know, that was the original
ending to Gone with the Wind.

Oh, that was a
terrific meal, Blanche.

Thanks again. Well,
you're welcome, Ham.

I just figured you deserved it

before going back
to that high-tension,

dog-eat-dog pressure
pit you work in.

Blanche, I run a
miniature golf course.

Your champagne, Ms.
Devereaux. Oh, thank you, Walter.

You will forgive me

if this champagne has a
little effect on me, Ham.

Sometimes just having
it setting on the table

sets my heart to racing.

Oh!

Feel.

Lower.

No, it's like there's some kind
of wild animal energy in there,

pounding...

pounding and burning,
yearning and lusting,

just crying out to be released.

(pop)

I've never said this to
another man, Ham, but...

I feel a heat between us,

kind of a flame
crackling and hissing.

I want you to put
that flame out, Ham.

I want you to
pluck me like a fruit,

and wash me off in your kisses,

and sink your teeth
into my ripe, juicy flesh.

Let me make you happy, Ham.

All I need to know is that you
want me as much as I want you.

Maybe some other time, Blanche.

That does it!

I will not let you
humiliate me any longer.

You may not want
me, Ham Lushbough,

but I can promise you
somewhere on this planet

I will damn sure find
some man who does!

(door opens)

Hi, girls.

How'd it go,
Blanche? Oh, perfectly.

When Blanche Devereaux sets out to
seduce a man, she doesn't drag her feet.

(doorbell)

Blanche...

Well, Ham Lushbough,
you sex-hungry devil!

Now, I told you, no more.

Go home and take a cold shower.

No, Blanche. Not until
you know the reason

why I keep telling you
that I can't sleep with you.

Ma, listen, maybe
watching some TV

in another room
might be a good idea.

Fine, Dorothy, but
keep the volume down.

Ma!

It's all right, Dorothy.

It's already out in
the open anyway.

Come on in and say your piece.

Well, the reason is,
we've been getting along

so well as friends
lately that...

I didn't want us to
have another night

like that night
we had in college.

In college? What
are you talking about?

That night - the spring jamboree

out at Grady's Motor Lodge?

I never went to
Grady's with you.

Sure, you did.
I'll never forget it.

You had your hair in braids,
you wore a pink bathrobe...

Pink, with a little lace trim?

Yes. And matching slippers?

Yes. Ham! That wasn't me,

that was my sister Virginia.

You're ki... That was Virginia?

How could I forget that?

That was the worst
night I've ever spent

in bed with a woman in my life!

Wait a minute,
Ham. Are you saying

the only reason you've
kept turning me down

is because of the bad
time you had that night?

Yes.

Oh...

Oh, well, Blanche,
this changes everything.

Does all that stuff you said
in the restaurant still go?

I don't think so, Ham.

The moment has passed.
We could never recapture it.

Blanche, that was
just 20 minutes ago.

I'm sorry, Ham, but
you were just a plaything

in my game of sexual conquest.

I was gonna use you.

Use me, use me.

Good-bye, Ham.

If you leave now, we can
still have our memories.

I'll trade all my
memories for a quickie.

Beat it, tubbo.

Oh, I wonder what would happen

if somebody called
up my sister Virginia

and told her this terribly
embarrassing story.

I guess there's only
one way to find out.

Well, I'm exhausted.
I'm going to bed.

Are you coming, Ma?

In a minute. I gotta
finish this article.

I love these military guys.

First they fly this top-secret
bomber jet way off course.

Next they start denying
it ever happened -

like nobody ever saw it
flying over downtown Miami.

Rose.

Hi, Dorothy.

Rose, there's something
we have to talk about.

There was an article
in today's paper.

The one about the UFO
being a secret bomber?

I'm sorry, Rose.

Sorry for what?

Just because that one
bomber wasn't a UFO

doesn't mean we should
stop watching for others.

Does it?

Oh.

Well, I guess there
isn't much point

in sitting out here
anymore, is there?

Oh, I don't know, Rose.
It's such a nice night.

Let's stay awhile.

OK.

You know something, Dorothy?

You don't have to tell me
this if you don't want to,

but underneath it all

you believe in them, don't you?

You did from the very beginning.

Oh, I'm glad.

It's more fun. It's
like with Santa Claus.

The best Christmas we ever had

was when all eight of
my brothers and sisters,

from Lily to Michael,
all still believed.

That must be ten years ago now.

(whoosh)

Dorothy!

Dorothy?

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