The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 4, Episode 25 - We're Outta Here: Part 1 - full transcript
A wealthy Japanese businessman offers to buy the house.
♪ Thank you for being a friend
♪ Traveled down the
road and back again
♪ Your heart is true
♪ You're a pal and a confidante
♪ And if you threw a party
♪ Invited everyone you knew
♪ You would see
♪ The biggest gift
would be from me
♪ And the card
attached would say
♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪
This was a lovely afternoon.
Oh, I'll say. I just love
the legitimate theater.
You know, I missed Mr. Lee J.
Cobb in Death of a Salesman.
I missed Mr. Marlon Brando
in Streetcar Named Desire.
Well, I was damned if I was gonna
miss Mr. Dick Butkus in Pal Joey.
And there's a brand-new
water heater in the garage
and wall-to-wall carpeting
in all the bedrooms.
Ma, what the hell are you
doing? Selling the house.
And that's a working fireplace,
and with these cathedral ceilings,
you could stack 50
VCRs if you wanted to.
So, you think it over,
and if you're
interested, give us a call.
I make offer now.
If you like, you call me.
Sophia, honey, you
can't just sell my house.
Is this in dollars? No,
it's in cucumber rolls.
Of course it's in dollars.
Sophia, what's this all about?
You tell me. I'm not the one who
put the for-sale sign on our front lawn.
What?
Oh, damn!
Those Donaldson boys
must have moved that sign
from the MacKenzies' front
lawn and stuck it on ours.
Then this is all a mistake.
Yeah, but this sure isn't.
Oh.
Blanche, what do you mean?
Would you seriously
consider selling the house?
Well, no. I mean,
I don't think so.
You have to admit this
is an awful lot of money.
Frankly, more than I
think the house is worth.
And as your agent,
three percent of it is mine.
What do you say, Blanchey?
Do we close the deal?
Oh, I just don't know.
This is all so sudden.
There's so many
things to consider.
Oh, look, Blanche, if you're
worried about us, don't be.
I mean, just because
you're selling the house
doesn't mean that we can't
all find another place together.
Oh, I wasn't worried about you.
I was worried about the tax
consequences of all this extra income.
I'm kidding. Oh, I love
you. You're my family.
Listen, we're sticking together
no matter what happens.
I don't know. It might
be hard to find a place
as perfect as this
was for the four of us.
Oh, hell, if we did it
once, we can do it again.
All we need is a little luck.
It was luck that brought
us together the first time.
I will never forget when
I first put up that notice
at the supermarket. Remember?
Are you OK? Oh, I'm fine.
Oh, I know exactly what
you're going through.
I can read it in
your face. You can?
Oh, sure. Your husband or
your boyfriend dumped you.
Honey, don't let
it get you down.
It's just the nature
of the beast.
They'd do it in the
mud if they had to.
You just go sleep
with his best friend.
That'll even up the score.
Am I on Candid Camera?
You mean, you didn't get dumped?
Well, actually, I
did. By my landlord.
He threw me out of my apartment,
but I couldn't sleep
with his best friend.
He's over 80 years old
and thinks he's the
Archduke Ferdinand.
Why did he throw you out?
Well, the new owners of
the building don't allow cats
and I'm not about to
part with Mr. Peepers.
Oh, I guess you two have
been through a lot together, huh?
Yes. I found him last week.
But I wouldn't feel right
having a home if he didn't.
We've become very attached.
You know what I think? That
shows great strength of character.
I like you and I like cats. I also
happen to have a room for rent,
and the name is
Blanche Devereaux.
Why would you name a
room Blanche Devereaux?
Oh, it's been such a lovely day.
Mr. Sunshine really gave us one
of his biggest and brightest smiles.
Oh, I feel like putting my
arms around Mother Nature
and giving her a big kiss.
Hi, you must be Dorothy.
And you must be Mrs. Rogers.
I didn't catch your name.
I'm Rose Nylund,
your new roomie.
Blanche has told
me all about you.
Sorry your husband dumped you.
You can borrow my bubble
bath any time you want.
That'll help ease
the lonely nights.
Thank you very much.
I see you two are
getting acquainted.
Yes, I'm just gonna
take my stuff to my room.
It's the second on the
left down the hall there?
Dorothy, the second
on the left is mine.
Blanche had promised it to me.
Blanche promised it
to me too. Didn't you?
Whoops.
Oh, great. Great.
What are we supposed to do now?
Back in Minnesota, we'd
settle this kind of a dispute
with some
good-natured logrolling.
Sorry, Rose. My
log is in the shop.
What do we do now? Toss a coin?
OK. All right.
I'll take tails. OK.
Tails. You win.
I'll make it up to you,
Dorothy, I promise.
Listen, if there's ever a
night where you can't sleep,
I'll come to your room
and sing "Kum Ba Ya."
Rose, I don't know what to say.
Yes, I do.
Don't ever do that.
It just doesn't seem possible
that five years has gone by
since we moved in together.
It's gonna be rough if we
have to go our separate ways.
We've all learned to depend
on each other so much.
Especially Rose. What's
that supposed to mean?
Oh, honey, it just means
that sometimes you tend
to be a bit naive,
simple, childlike.
She's calling you a moron. You don't
want to live with a woman like that.
Tell her to sell the house. Ma.
Oh, yeah? Well,
it just so happens
that there are a lot of things I
can do better than you guys.
Name one. Can you
tighten a horn on a helmet?
Smoke a herring in a pine log?
Check a bull for a hernia?
I guess the really
rough part is getting him
to turn his head and cough.
Come on, Rose. Pick a
category we can compete in.
All right. What about
that dance marathon?
Whose butt got
whopped that night?
How did you know that Wally...
Oh, you mean at the
actual dance marathon?
That's right.
Seems to me I showed you
two guys a thing or two that night.
Ladies and gentlemen,
our charity dance marathon
is now entering
its seventh hour.
Let's give our contestants
a great big hand.
Hi, girls. How are
you holding up?
Oh, fine. Just
doing fine. Terrific.
You know, this reminds me of
the big dance back in St. Olaf
to kick off Pretzel Week.
My Uncle Gunther, after the
great Beer Nut shortage of '29...
Foul! Foul! Send
the judge over here.
This woman is trying
to put us to sleep.
You're just exhausted and
you're trying to blame it on me.
Exhausted? I'll show
you who's exhausted.
Maestro, how about
something with a little octane?
OK, little lady. All
right, boys, take it away.
A one, two, a one,
two, three, four.
Out of my way, amateurs.
Blanche, do you
mind if I give it a try?
Oh, for heaven's sake, go on.
No, Dave, I better
do this by myself.
You might get hurt.
Three, four.
Girls, I'm really worried.
Usually, by the time I've
finished a cheesecake,
I can solve any problem
I'm trying to beat,
This time I'm coming up empty.
Then why is the top
button on your skirt open?
I'm talking about
selling the house.
I just don't know if
it's the right thing to do.
Well, honey, you don't
have to decide tonight.
You should take all
the time you need.
The point is,
if you turn a nice buck
on this place today,
you can buy a bigger
and better place tomorrow.
But I'm not sure I want to go
right out and buy a new house.
Maybe I want to take
some time to travel first.
I have relatives scattered
all over this country
I don't get to see very much.
If it's relatives you want, you
should stay right here in Miami.
Howard Johnson's
does less business
than this house
has over the years.
That is true.
We've all had our share
of family showing up.
I think things are
going very nicely.
Save it, Ma. I am going to
tell Uncle Angelo the truth.
It's only for a couple of
hours more. Ma, I can't do it.
I mean, pretending
we're married,
acting as though nothing
happened, it's making me crazy.
It's time to take
my heart medicine.
You need a glass of
water to take your pill?
Not pills. I'll take
a shot of Scotch,
12 years old, if you got it.
Uncle Angelo, I have
a confession to make.
Good. I get my Scotch,
we go in the closet.
No, it's about Stan and me.
You know something, Dorothy?
On your wedding
day, Sophia told me
she said your marriage
was never gonna last.
That made me very sad.
And now to see you
and Stan so happy
after all of these years,
it does an old man's heart good.
And so does that.
Uncle Angelo...
I'm so glad I disobeyed
the doctor's orders
and risked this long trip to see
the both of you so much in love.
Now, what were you saying?
Uncle Angelo, I wanted to say...
Well, don't just stand
there, Papa Bear.
Come give Mama
Bear a big bear hug.
Can I get you another slice of
cake, Uncle Angelo? No, thank you.
I'll take a slice... darling.
No problem, sweetheart.
Hurry back, dumpling.
My feet have wings, barf bag.
Dorothy, please hang in
there a little while longer,
and Angelo will be on a
plane headed for Brooklyn.
Wish I'd taken my raincoat.
Why are you two
dressed like that?
Well, these are our
costumes for the play, Dorothy.
We were in the middle
of dress rehearsal
when they told us all
to go home right away.
There's a hurricane
heading for Miami.
You know, I think I will
take a slice of cake... Hello.
Uh, Uncle Angelo,
I'd like you to meet...
um... uh...
I'm Sister Rose.
Piacere. Nice to meet you.
I'm Sister Blanche. Nice
to meet you, Sister Blanche.
We're here, uh,
collecting... lingerie...
for needy sexy people.
I just heard on TV
the airports are closed.
There's a big hurricane
headed this way. They
want everyone to stay
just where they are.
That means that we could
be trapped together for days!
Oh, Jesus!
Please protect us and watch
over us in this, our hour of need.
Amen.
Ah, Lucy. Hi. Aunt Blanche.
Get in here. I want
you to meet my friends.
This is Sophia and
Dorothy and Rose.
Nice to meet you, Lucy.
Let me get a look at you, girl.
Mmm, terrific little figure,
gorgeous hair, perfect skin.
Just like looking in a mirror.
Get some Windex.
How was your trip?
Oh, it was wonderful.
I met a gorgeous, single
doctor on the plane.
At 30,000 feet, she
picks up a doctor.
Now I see the
family resemblance.
In fact, I'm supposed to meet
him in a half-hour, if that's OK.
But, darling, you just got here.
Aunt Blanche, you always said:
"If you've a stallion eating
oats outta your hand,
best close the gate before
you give him the sugar."
You said that, Blanche?
I won't go if you
don't want me to,
but I do want to go, so can I?
Would your mother
let you go? No.
Then go. Thank you.
You're the best.
I'll see y'all later.
Oh, isn't she something?
I'm really proud of her.
Now, if I could just manage to
rope myself a doctor that easily.
Honey, I don't think there's
enough sugar left in the bowl.
Angela, that was the best
meal I've ever had in my life.
Well, how good could it
have been? You left half of it.
I ate every bite.
Well, there's some sauce
left. If you really liked it,
you'd take a hunk of that
bread and sop it all up.
You can afford
it. Oh, no, I can't.
I've put on a few pounds.
You just haven't noticed.
What am I? Blind?
I can see that. I
meant the bread.
You can afford the bread.
It's only 89 cents a loaf.
Angela, why don't you
sit down? I'll serve dessert.
Gosh, you two made
such a fantastic meal,
I can't imagine what you
came up with for dessert.
I made dessert. Damn!
What'd you say,
Blanche? Yum. I said yum.
Rose, is this another one of those
Scandinavian Viking concoctions?
Yes.
It's called
genurkenflurken cake.
It's an ancient recipe,
but I Americanized it.
So one might say you brought
geflurkenurken into the '80s?
Yes, but I'm not one to
blow my own vertubenflugen.
I can't even reach mine.
So, Sophia, have you all had a
chance to catch up on old times?
Yeah, Angela filled me in on how all my
friends and family back home are doing.
How is everybody, Angela? Dead.
Angela and I are the only
two left of the original family.
That's terrible, Angela. Does that
mean you're all alone back in Sicily?
Oh, no. I have a goat.
It's really a shame you and Ma
don't live closer to each other.
Dorothy is right. How
many years do we have left?
20, 30? We should
live in the same town.
You wanna come back to
that little village in Sicily?
Please, do I look like a woman
who beats her laundry on a rock?
I meant you should
move here to Miami.
Oh, that's a great idea.
Angela, you would love Miami.
Aunt Angela, what do
you say? Oh, I don't know.
I'm too old to pick up and
move to a strange country.
What are you talking about?
Before your husband died,
you lived here for 30
years. I don't know.
Oh, come on, honey.
Now, just think about it.
Who would you rather live
with? Your sister or a goat?
Give me a minute.
Cousin Rose? Cousin Sven!
Oh!
Oh, let me look at you!
Boy, have you grown!
We've never met.
But admit it, you have grown.
Uh, Rose, could you
introduce Blanche and me?
Of course. Dorothy,
this is Blanche.
Blanche, this is Dorothy.
We have jokes like that
around here all the time.
It's like living in a house
full of Howie Mandels.
Sven, I'm Dorothy. Hello.
And I'm Blanche.
Welcome. Thank you.
Rose tells us you're
getting married.
Yes, and I hope I'm good at it.
I don't have that much
experience with women.
A big, strong,
handsome thing like you?
Get out of here.
Well, it was nice
meeting all of you.
No! That was an
expression, Sven.
You know, I never
thought I'd say this,
but I think Rose got
the brains in that family.
Listen, let's make a pact. If
we decide to keep this house,
we're gonna limit the number of
relatives that get to come to visit.
I wonder who that could
be. I'm sure it's no one.
Hi, it's me, Stan. See?
What did I tell you?
Stanley, what do you
want? I need to borrow a car.
No.
Doesn't anybody want to know
why I need to borrow a car?
No. Fine, fine.
I know when I'm not wanted.
Is anybody eating that?
All right, Stanley. Why do
you want to borrow the car?
Ah! I am involved in a
new business venture.
Stan's Pizzas.
The gimmick is I can deliver a pizza
faster to your house than Domino's.
There's only one problem. What?
It's impossible. I
cracked up my car trying.
So the reason you want to use
our car is so you can deliver pizzas?
No. Actually, what I would really
like for you girls to do is be my drivers.
I belong in the front office
- supervising, franchising,
teasing the high-school
girls that work for me.
I sense I may
have just lost you.
Ah, what the hell. I'm
out of the pizza business.
Is there anything else to eat?
Stanley, why do you always end
up here when you have a problem?
You're my best friends.
But we don't like you.
I know, but you're
still my best friends.
Well, you can't depend on
coming around here forever.
Blanche is thinking
about selling the house.
Selling our house?
You can't be serious.
We've had great times here.
We have had great times
here. You've just had free food.
That is not true.
We've had a million
laughs under this roof.
Do you... Do you remember
the time I came over?
Dorothy, I know it's been a
while, but try to control yourself.
I need some rest.
What the hell is that for? You're
not getting into this bed, Stanley.
Then where am I supposed to
sleep? On the floor, like any dog.
Fine. Just fine.
Stan Zbornak doesn't have to
beg a woman to get into bed.
Women come to me.
Yeah, right after they get the
approval number on your MasterCard.
Good night. Oh, shut up.
Stanley, if you're doing
what I think you're doing,
you're in big trouble.
I was just remembering
the first time you ever
kicked me out of bed
and I had to sleep on the floor.
Emile Zundt's Hidden Honeymoon
Hideaway in the Poconos.
"Where every cottage
is April in Paris."
And every bathroom,
Calcutta in July.
Do you remember how I convinced
you to let me back into bed?
No.
♪ I've got a crush
on you ♪ Sweetie pie
♪ All the day and
nighttime ♪ Hear me sigh
Oh, Stanley Zbornak, I don't
believe that you're trying to charm me.
Is it working? I don't think so.
Then you leave me no choice.
I'll have to pull out the big gun.
You're wasting
your time, Stanley.
I'm familiar with the big gun.
Here goes.
♪ Embrace me ♪ My
sweet, embraceable you
♪ Embrace me ♪
You irreplaceable you
Dorothy! Dorothy, I just
had a terrible nightmare.
Ma, what was it?
This.
Break it up.
Stanley, think of me
as the Berlin Wall.
Try to climb over me,
and you'll know what barbed
wire between your legs feels like.
Gotcha.
Dorothy, how did
this start? Cole Porter?
Gershwin.
Thank God I came in time.
We've certainly had some
good times, haven't we, girls?
Yes, we have, and
we'd like to have more,
so would you please
leave, Stanley?
Girls, I've made a decision.
What is it, Blanche?
There are just too many
precious memories in this house.
I'm not about to trade them
in for a few lousy dollars.
It's Yakamora. He's
doubled his offer.
Tell him we'll be out
by the first of the month.
♪ Thank you for being a friend
♪ Traveled down the
road and back again
♪ Your heart is true
♪ You're a pal and a confidante
♪ And if you threw a party
♪ Invited everyone you knew
♪ You would see
♪ The biggest gift
would be from me
♪ And the card
attached would say
♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪
Couldn't sleep either,
Dorothy? No, Rose.
Are you upset because Blanche is gonna
sell the house and we can't live together?
No, I'm upset because Joe Piscopo
didn't get the lead role in Rain Man.
Oh, of course I'm
upset about the house.
Ma, it's 2am. Where
have you been?
I stuffed pillows
under the sheets
so I could fool you
during bed check.
What is this, Stalag 17?
I went for a walk. I couldn't
sleep. I had a nightmare.
Tell me about it, Sophia.
Sometimes I can interpret dreams.
Blanche sold the house and I
wound up back at Shady Pines.
Hmm.
This is a tough one.
Dorothy, please don't send me
back. Ma, I am not sending you
back to Shady Pines.
Oh, my God! She
found a cheaper home.
Blanche, please, please
don't sell the house.
What the hell is that
holding up your stockings?
Get out of there. Girls, listen.
I know I told Mr. Yakamora
that I'd sell him the house,
but I just don't think it's fair to
make that decision by myself now.
Give me some advice.
Just tell me what to do.
Well, it's your house, Blanche.
You have to make
your own decision.
Since when have
you all been so shy?
We always tell each
other what to do.
Honey, are you
all right? I'll be fine.
Is this about
Arnie? No, Blanche.
She's upset because they
keep changing the taste of Coke.
Arnie wants me
to go away with him
on a cruise to the Bahamas.
Oh.
Oh, and you're upset because
he wants you to pay your own way?
I'm upset because
we'll be all alone.
In the middle of the
ocean. On a ship.
In a stateroom. With a bed.
Oh.
I don't know what to do.
I haven't... been with a man
in that special way
since Charlie died.
Get out of here!
It's true. Charlie was
the only lover I ever had.
And my first time was
on our wedding night.
Get out of here!
Oh, back off, Blanche.
Not all of us are classified
by the Navy as a friendly port.
Maybe it sounds strange
but, without Charlie,
I thought that part
of my life was over.
I never gave it a
second thought.
Until now?
Then I think you
should go on the cruise.
Honey, if the situation
is right, you'll know it.
But I'm not sure I'm ready.
Oh, honey, I know what
you're going through.
The bottom line is, if
you take a chance in life,
sometimes good things happen,
sometimes bad things happen.
But, honey, if you don't take
a chance, nothing happens.
I'm gonna take a chance.
Oh, that's wonderful!
Oh, great, Rose!
Oh, I have to look in my closet.
I don't even know what to wear
for the first night on the ship.
A life jacket and
a great big smile.
Gee, I wonder what
Rose is doing right now.
You mean, you wonder
if she's doing it right now.
No, I just wonder if maybe we
didn't push her into something too fast.
What I can't understand
is how in the world
she managed to wait 15 years.
How long did you
wait after George died?
Till the paramedics came. Ma!
What about you, Dorothy?
Who was the first after Stan, hm?
Blanche.
Her divorce lawyer.
How did you know?
It's always the divorce lawyer.
Oh, it was a
terrible time for me.
You know, I'd gone on an
eating binge when Stan left
and I put on quite
a bit of weight.
Plus, I was not a 20-year-old.
You know, when you're
20, no matter what you do,
everything stays
where it's supposed to.
Now when you lean over,
it looks like somebody's
let the air out of your face.
What?
Honey, lean over a mirror some
time and take a look at yourself.
Where's a mirror? There's
one in the tool drawer.
I think you'd better take a
sedative before you look.
Don't be silly. I look
at my face all the time.
How different could
it be leaning over?
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, Dorothy,
why didn't you tell
me about this before?
Only on your back, Blanche.
That way everything slides back
and you look like
you just had a face lift.
Oh, you're right. I'm gorgeous.
I'm gonna have to
meet men lying down.
I thought you did.
Of course, that way, not
only does your face fall back
but your chest does too.
Unfortunately, it falls
back and off to the side.
Well, it's too late to do anything until
morning. We might as well get some sleep.
I can't sleep. I'm
wound up tighter
than the girdle on a
Baptist minister's wife
at an all-you-can-eat
pancake breakfast.
Wow, that's tight.
Back in St. Olaf,
when I couldn't sleep,
I'd get into my pajamas and
have a nice glass of warm milk
and slip under the covers
and count cows
jumping over my bed.
It'd usually work like a charm,
except every once in a
while there'd be a cow
with a particularly low udder
and it would brush across
my forehead and wake me up.
I just don't know
what I'm gonna do.
I'm just torn and confused.
Guess I'll have to think
about it all tomorrow.
After all, tomorrow
is another day.
Calm down, Scarlett. There's
no need to be so dramatic.
Please. She can't help it. Everyone
around here acts like a ham.
There's been more bad acting,
bad dancing and bad
singing under this roof
than a Suzanne Somers Special.
Rose!
Blanche!
Dorothy!
Go, Dorothy, go!
Gosh, I didn't realize
how long Dorothy's solo is.
I sure hope the doctor
says she's gonna be all right.
I won't dance. Don't ask me.
Pay attention.
You're in for a treat.
Oh, Ma, not another act!
No, Dorothy, not just
another act - the act.
I've taken a classic and
reworked it Sophia style.
♪ Thanks for the medicare
♪ For Blue Cross and Blue Shield
♪ For a hip that finally healed
♪ Remember on prescriptions
♪ Generic is a steal
♪ We thank you so much ♪
OK, what do you think?
Now, don't hold back.
I can take the criticism.
Depressing.
Awful.
Stinky.
Go to hell, all of you!
I will not have that
filthy beast in my house.
It belongs in a barnyard.
This is not a farm chicken.
Count Bessie is a show-biz
chicken. Wait till you see this.
A show-biz chicken. What
does she do? Play the piano?
She plays the piano.
You just wait till you see this.
OK, honey, come
on. It's showtime.
Yeah, come on,
sweetheart. Oh, I know.
I know. Here we go.
OK, Count, hit it!
Isn't she incredible?
What do you say,
girls? Can she stay?
I guess so. All
right. Oh, thank you.
Just be sure to keep
her in her cage. Oh.
Maybe I can convince the count
to give us some live
entertainment with dessert.
Have you any requests?
How about "Bye Bye Birdie"?
Girls! Girls, Count
Bessie is missing.
I went out to the garage to
feed her and her cage was empty.
Where could she be?
Aunt Angela...
Where did you get this chicken?
The garage.
I guess this means no live
entertainment with dessert.
Oh, hello, there. How'd
you do? We came in second.
Oh, that's terrific.
What'd you get?
Treated badly.
They told us to
get out of the way
when they took the winner's
picture with Anita Bryant.
Oh, what do those old judges
know? I'd love to hear your song.
Oh, forget it, Blanche. Please.
Oh, no. The whole experience
was too painful. Please.
We want to put it out
of our minds. Please.
Hit it, Rose.
♪ I have to say what I feel
♪ Miami has so much appeal
♪ A great place to
get a seafood meal
♪ Miami
♪ Miami, Miami
♪ You've got style
♪ Blue skies, sunshine,
white sand by the mile
♪ When you live in this town
♪ Each day is sublime
♪ The coldest of winters
♪ Are warm and
divine ♪ Miami, Miami
♪ You've got style
♪ Blue skies, sunshine,
white sand by the mile
Hit it! ♪ There's ball
clubs and nightclubs
♪ All within reach
♪ Dance the samba till morning
♪ Then lie on the beach
♪ Each view is a postcard
♪ Each day a great
time Going home!
♪ The cream of the
crop, it's the top of the line
♪ Miami, Miami
♪ You've got style
♪ Blue skies, sunshine,
white sand by the mile
♪ Miami ♪ You've got style ♪
Look, you're all confused and
upset about this house business.
There's only one thing you
can do. What is that, Sophia?
Take the advice of
a wise old Sicilian.
You, Sophia? No. Charlie Callas.
Many years ago, my
father had a similar problem
when he was selling real estate.
I didn't know that Grandpa
ever owned any real estate.
He didn't. That was the problem.
You see, it turned out he
really didn't own the Vatican.
Although he did have
a very close friend
who swore he was there
the night Pop won the
deed in a card game
from Pope Ronnie
the Magnificent.
Sophia, you're not
making any sense.
Excuse me, Mrs.
Kierkegaard, it's 4am.
Ma, is there a point to this?
And if there wasn't,
what are you gonna do?
Put decorative bars on my
window? Yes, there is a point.
If you're gonna sell real
estate, make sure you own it.
Sophia, I do own this house. Oh.
Is anybody else hungry?
Now that you mention it, I
could really go for a pizza.
I've been thinking
about Chinese.
I could go for a
burger and fries.
Why don't we order it all?
Oh, Sophia, that'd be crazy.
So, this would be the
first time we did something
a little out of the
ordinary around here?
Ma, thank God you're here.
Arrested for prostitution.
I can't believe it.
Sophia, we're
innocent. I know that.
I can't believe these
dumb cops would think
anyone would pay
money to sleep with you.
Sophia, did you
come to bail us out?
No, Rose, she's dropping
off a manicotti with a file in it.
Well, girls, we're gonna get to
see Mr. Burt Reynolds after all.
I thought these beautiful tickets
were all gonna go to waste.
So which one of you isn't going?
Well, I'm the one
who won the tickets.
Yeah, well, my mom's the
one who's bailing us out.
I lost Butter Queen.
Haven't I suffered enough?
We'll draw straws. No.
We'll flip a coin. No!
Sophia, we had this all settled.
Now, try and be understanding.
Understanding? I came
down here to bail you out
and you're still
not letting me go?
Ma, will you stop complaining
and get us out of here?
Where are your
roommates, Mrs. Petrillo?
They're not here. Ma!
Don't "Ma" me,
you cheap floozie.
Ma, Ma, you would do this
to your own flesh and blood?
You'll get over it, Dorothy.
And if you don't, who cares?
I'm on my way to
see Burt Reynolds.
And then - you're
gonna love this -
Dom DeLuise takes me by the
arm and insists I tell Burt the story.
Sophia, I don't want to
hear any more about it.
Not even the part
when Burt and Dom
insisted I repeat the
story to Loni Anderson?
That's it. I don't want
to hear another word.
Oh, Cinderella's
back from the ball
and her three wicked
roommates are jealous.
We are not jealous,
Ma. We are angry.
You left us sitting in jail.
Hey, I sent over the bail money.
You were out an hour later.
I think that was
just about the time
I was nibbling a giant shrimp
out of Jerry Reed's hand.
You're making this whole
thing up just to rub it in.
You have never met these people.
Jealousy is a very
ugly thing, Dorothy.
And so are you in
anything backless.
Hello.
Is Sophia around? Oh, hi, Burt.
How about a little lunch? Listen, if
you're buying, how about a big lunch?
Great.
My God, you're
Mr. Burt Reynolds.
I hope so, otherwise I got
the wrong underwear on.
These the roommates
you told me about? Yeah.
Which one's the slut? I am.
Rose, it is not here!
Look again. It has to be.
Rose, I have read every want
ad in the paper. Mine is not here.
Are you sure you dropped it
off at the newspaper office?
Dorothy, you told me exactly what
you wanted me to do a dozen times.
Any idiot could have done it.
I know, honey, but you were
the only one going downtown.
Are you sure that you dropped
it off at the newspaper office?
Yes! Six people already
called while you were out.
Give that to me. I'll
try and find it for you.
Dorothy? Have we met?
Not yet. I'm here because
of your ad in the paper:
"Willing to do anything, $8 an
hour, no job too big or small."
Yes, yes, of course.
Please come in.
I'm sorry. I didn't expect
people to actually come here.
I just figured, you know,
that I would be going to them.
That's the way it'll
work in the future,
when my video camera
gets back from the shop.
So tell me, what type of work
is it that you need done, Mr...
Toto. Mr. Toto.
Oh, no "Mr." Just "Toto."
You're Dorothy, and I'm Toto.
At least for the next $8.
Dorothy, you owe me an
apology. Your ad's right here.
Oh, Rose, this is
the personals column.
So what? So what?
You put an ad in
the personals column
that said I will do
anything for $8 an hour?
Oh, look, it's right
under an ad that reads:
"History professor seeking
nonsmoking Oriental woman
who is into Wesson oil
and bears a resemblance
to Florence Henderson."
Is that signed "Doug"? Yes.
I know him. He's a sick man.
I'm terribly sorry for
this mix-up. Goodbye.
Oh, my God, I
don't believe this!
I'm gonna call the cops if you don't
get out of here right away, you pervert!
Hi, Father Rossi.
Here's the canned
goods for the needy.
Oh, no.
Oh, I'm... I'm terribly sorry.
I promise that I
will say Hail Marys
until Madonna has a hit movie.
Hi. Here's my $8. Let's
get started, Dorothy.
Oh, I'm not Dorothy. She is.
I'll give you $4.
Let's get started.
How would you like your rear
end kicked across the street?
Oh, great. Here's the other $4.
Girls.
Girls, there is a busload
of Greek sailors out front.
They wanna know how
many drachma there are in $8.
Girls, guess what I found.
Fernando! That's not Fernando.
What do you mean, that's not
Fernando? How could you tell?
All you have to do
is look in his eyes.
Or at the price tag
stuck to his back.
Oops! Thanks
for trying, Blanche.
It's nice to know I have a
friend like you... who cares.
Dorothy, I have a
confession to make.
Rose didn't lose Fernando.
I gave him to Daisy when she was
helping out with the rummage sale.
Well, then there's
no problem, honey.
Just call Daisy and
get Fernando back.
She's a very sweet
kid. She'll understand.
I tried that. She said no.
What do you mean? She's
not a sweet kid anymore.
She's holding
Fernando for ransom.
Come on!
Dorothy, she sent
me one of his ears.
You! Good morning.
Well, kid, what do you
want? I changed my mind.
I was wrong to ask
for all those gifts.
Dorothy, you see? I knew
she'd come to her senses.
I decided cash is better.
That way I can buy
exactly what I want.
I'll get my purse.
No. Blanche, I'm not
gonna let you do that.
I've been doing
a lot of thinking.
If, after all the years of
love and companionship,
Fernando and I are meant to part
company, I'll just have to accept that.
Time to time, life deals
you an unfriendly hand.
There's nothing
you can do about it.
I guess there's a lesson
to be learned here.
Sometimes life
just isn't fair, kiddo.
I cannot talk
about this anymore.
I'm just gonna call Yakamora
and give him my decision.
Go ahead. Make your call.
We'll give you some privacy.
We'll go in the other room.
Come on, Ma. Let's go.
What do you think
she's gonna do?
I think she's gonna sell.
It's just too much money.
Oh, no. Blanche is too
sentimental. I think she's gonna stay.
What do you think,
Ma? Ma! Quiet.
Oh, this is just the operator.
Your phone is working fine.
Ma, what did you hear? You're
never gonna believe what happened.
You are never gonna
believe what happened.
Yakamora decided
not to buy the house.
What happened?
Well, he went on a shopping
spree and he spent all his money.
He bought a department
store in Fort Lauderdale
and a condominium in Orlando,
a baseball team in Tampa,
and I think one of
the Landers sisters.
But what were you gonna tell
him? What if he hadn't backed out?
What difference
does that make now?
The important thing is
we're staying together.
You were gonna sell,
weren't you? Damn straight.
But I was not gonna
let it break us up.
We are staying together.
I don't care what happens.
We are family. We are a team.
Come on, everybody, group hug.
♪ Traveled down the
road and back again
♪ Your heart is true
♪ You're a pal and a confidante
♪ And if you threw a party
♪ Invited everyone you knew
♪ You would see
♪ The biggest gift
would be from me
♪ And the card
attached would say
♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪
This was a lovely afternoon.
Oh, I'll say. I just love
the legitimate theater.
You know, I missed Mr. Lee J.
Cobb in Death of a Salesman.
I missed Mr. Marlon Brando
in Streetcar Named Desire.
Well, I was damned if I was gonna
miss Mr. Dick Butkus in Pal Joey.
And there's a brand-new
water heater in the garage
and wall-to-wall carpeting
in all the bedrooms.
Ma, what the hell are you
doing? Selling the house.
And that's a working fireplace,
and with these cathedral ceilings,
you could stack 50
VCRs if you wanted to.
So, you think it over,
and if you're
interested, give us a call.
I make offer now.
If you like, you call me.
Sophia, honey, you
can't just sell my house.
Is this in dollars? No,
it's in cucumber rolls.
Of course it's in dollars.
Sophia, what's this all about?
You tell me. I'm not the one who
put the for-sale sign on our front lawn.
What?
Oh, damn!
Those Donaldson boys
must have moved that sign
from the MacKenzies' front
lawn and stuck it on ours.
Then this is all a mistake.
Yeah, but this sure isn't.
Oh.
Blanche, what do you mean?
Would you seriously
consider selling the house?
Well, no. I mean,
I don't think so.
You have to admit this
is an awful lot of money.
Frankly, more than I
think the house is worth.
And as your agent,
three percent of it is mine.
What do you say, Blanchey?
Do we close the deal?
Oh, I just don't know.
This is all so sudden.
There's so many
things to consider.
Oh, look, Blanche, if you're
worried about us, don't be.
I mean, just because
you're selling the house
doesn't mean that we can't
all find another place together.
Oh, I wasn't worried about you.
I was worried about the tax
consequences of all this extra income.
I'm kidding. Oh, I love
you. You're my family.
Listen, we're sticking together
no matter what happens.
I don't know. It might
be hard to find a place
as perfect as this
was for the four of us.
Oh, hell, if we did it
once, we can do it again.
All we need is a little luck.
It was luck that brought
us together the first time.
I will never forget when
I first put up that notice
at the supermarket. Remember?
Are you OK? Oh, I'm fine.
Oh, I know exactly what
you're going through.
I can read it in
your face. You can?
Oh, sure. Your husband or
your boyfriend dumped you.
Honey, don't let
it get you down.
It's just the nature
of the beast.
They'd do it in the
mud if they had to.
You just go sleep
with his best friend.
That'll even up the score.
Am I on Candid Camera?
You mean, you didn't get dumped?
Well, actually, I
did. By my landlord.
He threw me out of my apartment,
but I couldn't sleep
with his best friend.
He's over 80 years old
and thinks he's the
Archduke Ferdinand.
Why did he throw you out?
Well, the new owners of
the building don't allow cats
and I'm not about to
part with Mr. Peepers.
Oh, I guess you two have
been through a lot together, huh?
Yes. I found him last week.
But I wouldn't feel right
having a home if he didn't.
We've become very attached.
You know what I think? That
shows great strength of character.
I like you and I like cats. I also
happen to have a room for rent,
and the name is
Blanche Devereaux.
Why would you name a
room Blanche Devereaux?
Oh, it's been such a lovely day.
Mr. Sunshine really gave us one
of his biggest and brightest smiles.
Oh, I feel like putting my
arms around Mother Nature
and giving her a big kiss.
Hi, you must be Dorothy.
And you must be Mrs. Rogers.
I didn't catch your name.
I'm Rose Nylund,
your new roomie.
Blanche has told
me all about you.
Sorry your husband dumped you.
You can borrow my bubble
bath any time you want.
That'll help ease
the lonely nights.
Thank you very much.
I see you two are
getting acquainted.
Yes, I'm just gonna
take my stuff to my room.
It's the second on the
left down the hall there?
Dorothy, the second
on the left is mine.
Blanche had promised it to me.
Blanche promised it
to me too. Didn't you?
Whoops.
Oh, great. Great.
What are we supposed to do now?
Back in Minnesota, we'd
settle this kind of a dispute
with some
good-natured logrolling.
Sorry, Rose. My
log is in the shop.
What do we do now? Toss a coin?
OK. All right.
I'll take tails. OK.
Tails. You win.
I'll make it up to you,
Dorothy, I promise.
Listen, if there's ever a
night where you can't sleep,
I'll come to your room
and sing "Kum Ba Ya."
Rose, I don't know what to say.
Yes, I do.
Don't ever do that.
It just doesn't seem possible
that five years has gone by
since we moved in together.
It's gonna be rough if we
have to go our separate ways.
We've all learned to depend
on each other so much.
Especially Rose. What's
that supposed to mean?
Oh, honey, it just means
that sometimes you tend
to be a bit naive,
simple, childlike.
She's calling you a moron. You don't
want to live with a woman like that.
Tell her to sell the house. Ma.
Oh, yeah? Well,
it just so happens
that there are a lot of things I
can do better than you guys.
Name one. Can you
tighten a horn on a helmet?
Smoke a herring in a pine log?
Check a bull for a hernia?
I guess the really
rough part is getting him
to turn his head and cough.
Come on, Rose. Pick a
category we can compete in.
All right. What about
that dance marathon?
Whose butt got
whopped that night?
How did you know that Wally...
Oh, you mean at the
actual dance marathon?
That's right.
Seems to me I showed you
two guys a thing or two that night.
Ladies and gentlemen,
our charity dance marathon
is now entering
its seventh hour.
Let's give our contestants
a great big hand.
Hi, girls. How are
you holding up?
Oh, fine. Just
doing fine. Terrific.
You know, this reminds me of
the big dance back in St. Olaf
to kick off Pretzel Week.
My Uncle Gunther, after the
great Beer Nut shortage of '29...
Foul! Foul! Send
the judge over here.
This woman is trying
to put us to sleep.
You're just exhausted and
you're trying to blame it on me.
Exhausted? I'll show
you who's exhausted.
Maestro, how about
something with a little octane?
OK, little lady. All
right, boys, take it away.
A one, two, a one,
two, three, four.
Out of my way, amateurs.
Blanche, do you
mind if I give it a try?
Oh, for heaven's sake, go on.
No, Dave, I better
do this by myself.
You might get hurt.
Three, four.
Girls, I'm really worried.
Usually, by the time I've
finished a cheesecake,
I can solve any problem
I'm trying to beat,
This time I'm coming up empty.
Then why is the top
button on your skirt open?
I'm talking about
selling the house.
I just don't know if
it's the right thing to do.
Well, honey, you don't
have to decide tonight.
You should take all
the time you need.
The point is,
if you turn a nice buck
on this place today,
you can buy a bigger
and better place tomorrow.
But I'm not sure I want to go
right out and buy a new house.
Maybe I want to take
some time to travel first.
I have relatives scattered
all over this country
I don't get to see very much.
If it's relatives you want, you
should stay right here in Miami.
Howard Johnson's
does less business
than this house
has over the years.
That is true.
We've all had our share
of family showing up.
I think things are
going very nicely.
Save it, Ma. I am going to
tell Uncle Angelo the truth.
It's only for a couple of
hours more. Ma, I can't do it.
I mean, pretending
we're married,
acting as though nothing
happened, it's making me crazy.
It's time to take
my heart medicine.
You need a glass of
water to take your pill?
Not pills. I'll take
a shot of Scotch,
12 years old, if you got it.
Uncle Angelo, I have
a confession to make.
Good. I get my Scotch,
we go in the closet.
No, it's about Stan and me.
You know something, Dorothy?
On your wedding
day, Sophia told me
she said your marriage
was never gonna last.
That made me very sad.
And now to see you
and Stan so happy
after all of these years,
it does an old man's heart good.
And so does that.
Uncle Angelo...
I'm so glad I disobeyed
the doctor's orders
and risked this long trip to see
the both of you so much in love.
Now, what were you saying?
Uncle Angelo, I wanted to say...
Well, don't just stand
there, Papa Bear.
Come give Mama
Bear a big bear hug.
Can I get you another slice of
cake, Uncle Angelo? No, thank you.
I'll take a slice... darling.
No problem, sweetheart.
Hurry back, dumpling.
My feet have wings, barf bag.
Dorothy, please hang in
there a little while longer,
and Angelo will be on a
plane headed for Brooklyn.
Wish I'd taken my raincoat.
Why are you two
dressed like that?
Well, these are our
costumes for the play, Dorothy.
We were in the middle
of dress rehearsal
when they told us all
to go home right away.
There's a hurricane
heading for Miami.
You know, I think I will
take a slice of cake... Hello.
Uh, Uncle Angelo,
I'd like you to meet...
um... uh...
I'm Sister Rose.
Piacere. Nice to meet you.
I'm Sister Blanche. Nice
to meet you, Sister Blanche.
We're here, uh,
collecting... lingerie...
for needy sexy people.
I just heard on TV
the airports are closed.
There's a big hurricane
headed this way. They
want everyone to stay
just where they are.
That means that we could
be trapped together for days!
Oh, Jesus!
Please protect us and watch
over us in this, our hour of need.
Amen.
Ah, Lucy. Hi. Aunt Blanche.
Get in here. I want
you to meet my friends.
This is Sophia and
Dorothy and Rose.
Nice to meet you, Lucy.
Let me get a look at you, girl.
Mmm, terrific little figure,
gorgeous hair, perfect skin.
Just like looking in a mirror.
Get some Windex.
How was your trip?
Oh, it was wonderful.
I met a gorgeous, single
doctor on the plane.
At 30,000 feet, she
picks up a doctor.
Now I see the
family resemblance.
In fact, I'm supposed to meet
him in a half-hour, if that's OK.
But, darling, you just got here.
Aunt Blanche, you always said:
"If you've a stallion eating
oats outta your hand,
best close the gate before
you give him the sugar."
You said that, Blanche?
I won't go if you
don't want me to,
but I do want to go, so can I?
Would your mother
let you go? No.
Then go. Thank you.
You're the best.
I'll see y'all later.
Oh, isn't she something?
I'm really proud of her.
Now, if I could just manage to
rope myself a doctor that easily.
Honey, I don't think there's
enough sugar left in the bowl.
Angela, that was the best
meal I've ever had in my life.
Well, how good could it
have been? You left half of it.
I ate every bite.
Well, there's some sauce
left. If you really liked it,
you'd take a hunk of that
bread and sop it all up.
You can afford
it. Oh, no, I can't.
I've put on a few pounds.
You just haven't noticed.
What am I? Blind?
I can see that. I
meant the bread.
You can afford the bread.
It's only 89 cents a loaf.
Angela, why don't you
sit down? I'll serve dessert.
Gosh, you two made
such a fantastic meal,
I can't imagine what you
came up with for dessert.
I made dessert. Damn!
What'd you say,
Blanche? Yum. I said yum.
Rose, is this another one of those
Scandinavian Viking concoctions?
Yes.
It's called
genurkenflurken cake.
It's an ancient recipe,
but I Americanized it.
So one might say you brought
geflurkenurken into the '80s?
Yes, but I'm not one to
blow my own vertubenflugen.
I can't even reach mine.
So, Sophia, have you all had a
chance to catch up on old times?
Yeah, Angela filled me in on how all my
friends and family back home are doing.
How is everybody, Angela? Dead.
Angela and I are the only
two left of the original family.
That's terrible, Angela. Does that
mean you're all alone back in Sicily?
Oh, no. I have a goat.
It's really a shame you and Ma
don't live closer to each other.
Dorothy is right. How
many years do we have left?
20, 30? We should
live in the same town.
You wanna come back to
that little village in Sicily?
Please, do I look like a woman
who beats her laundry on a rock?
I meant you should
move here to Miami.
Oh, that's a great idea.
Angela, you would love Miami.
Aunt Angela, what do
you say? Oh, I don't know.
I'm too old to pick up and
move to a strange country.
What are you talking about?
Before your husband died,
you lived here for 30
years. I don't know.
Oh, come on, honey.
Now, just think about it.
Who would you rather live
with? Your sister or a goat?
Give me a minute.
Cousin Rose? Cousin Sven!
Oh!
Oh, let me look at you!
Boy, have you grown!
We've never met.
But admit it, you have grown.
Uh, Rose, could you
introduce Blanche and me?
Of course. Dorothy,
this is Blanche.
Blanche, this is Dorothy.
We have jokes like that
around here all the time.
It's like living in a house
full of Howie Mandels.
Sven, I'm Dorothy. Hello.
And I'm Blanche.
Welcome. Thank you.
Rose tells us you're
getting married.
Yes, and I hope I'm good at it.
I don't have that much
experience with women.
A big, strong,
handsome thing like you?
Get out of here.
Well, it was nice
meeting all of you.
No! That was an
expression, Sven.
You know, I never
thought I'd say this,
but I think Rose got
the brains in that family.
Listen, let's make a pact. If
we decide to keep this house,
we're gonna limit the number of
relatives that get to come to visit.
I wonder who that could
be. I'm sure it's no one.
Hi, it's me, Stan. See?
What did I tell you?
Stanley, what do you
want? I need to borrow a car.
No.
Doesn't anybody want to know
why I need to borrow a car?
No. Fine, fine.
I know when I'm not wanted.
Is anybody eating that?
All right, Stanley. Why do
you want to borrow the car?
Ah! I am involved in a
new business venture.
Stan's Pizzas.
The gimmick is I can deliver a pizza
faster to your house than Domino's.
There's only one problem. What?
It's impossible. I
cracked up my car trying.
So the reason you want to use
our car is so you can deliver pizzas?
No. Actually, what I would really
like for you girls to do is be my drivers.
I belong in the front office
- supervising, franchising,
teasing the high-school
girls that work for me.
I sense I may
have just lost you.
Ah, what the hell. I'm
out of the pizza business.
Is there anything else to eat?
Stanley, why do you always end
up here when you have a problem?
You're my best friends.
But we don't like you.
I know, but you're
still my best friends.
Well, you can't depend on
coming around here forever.
Blanche is thinking
about selling the house.
Selling our house?
You can't be serious.
We've had great times here.
We have had great times
here. You've just had free food.
That is not true.
We've had a million
laughs under this roof.
Do you... Do you remember
the time I came over?
Dorothy, I know it's been a
while, but try to control yourself.
I need some rest.
What the hell is that for? You're
not getting into this bed, Stanley.
Then where am I supposed to
sleep? On the floor, like any dog.
Fine. Just fine.
Stan Zbornak doesn't have to
beg a woman to get into bed.
Women come to me.
Yeah, right after they get the
approval number on your MasterCard.
Good night. Oh, shut up.
Stanley, if you're doing
what I think you're doing,
you're in big trouble.
I was just remembering
the first time you ever
kicked me out of bed
and I had to sleep on the floor.
Emile Zundt's Hidden Honeymoon
Hideaway in the Poconos.
"Where every cottage
is April in Paris."
And every bathroom,
Calcutta in July.
Do you remember how I convinced
you to let me back into bed?
No.
♪ I've got a crush
on you ♪ Sweetie pie
♪ All the day and
nighttime ♪ Hear me sigh
Oh, Stanley Zbornak, I don't
believe that you're trying to charm me.
Is it working? I don't think so.
Then you leave me no choice.
I'll have to pull out the big gun.
You're wasting
your time, Stanley.
I'm familiar with the big gun.
Here goes.
♪ Embrace me ♪ My
sweet, embraceable you
♪ Embrace me ♪
You irreplaceable you
Dorothy! Dorothy, I just
had a terrible nightmare.
Ma, what was it?
This.
Break it up.
Stanley, think of me
as the Berlin Wall.
Try to climb over me,
and you'll know what barbed
wire between your legs feels like.
Gotcha.
Dorothy, how did
this start? Cole Porter?
Gershwin.
Thank God I came in time.
We've certainly had some
good times, haven't we, girls?
Yes, we have, and
we'd like to have more,
so would you please
leave, Stanley?
Girls, I've made a decision.
What is it, Blanche?
There are just too many
precious memories in this house.
I'm not about to trade them
in for a few lousy dollars.
It's Yakamora. He's
doubled his offer.
Tell him we'll be out
by the first of the month.
♪ Thank you for being a friend
♪ Traveled down the
road and back again
♪ Your heart is true
♪ You're a pal and a confidante
♪ And if you threw a party
♪ Invited everyone you knew
♪ You would see
♪ The biggest gift
would be from me
♪ And the card
attached would say
♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪
Couldn't sleep either,
Dorothy? No, Rose.
Are you upset because Blanche is gonna
sell the house and we can't live together?
No, I'm upset because Joe Piscopo
didn't get the lead role in Rain Man.
Oh, of course I'm
upset about the house.
Ma, it's 2am. Where
have you been?
I stuffed pillows
under the sheets
so I could fool you
during bed check.
What is this, Stalag 17?
I went for a walk. I couldn't
sleep. I had a nightmare.
Tell me about it, Sophia.
Sometimes I can interpret dreams.
Blanche sold the house and I
wound up back at Shady Pines.
Hmm.
This is a tough one.
Dorothy, please don't send me
back. Ma, I am not sending you
back to Shady Pines.
Oh, my God! She
found a cheaper home.
Blanche, please, please
don't sell the house.
What the hell is that
holding up your stockings?
Get out of there. Girls, listen.
I know I told Mr. Yakamora
that I'd sell him the house,
but I just don't think it's fair to
make that decision by myself now.
Give me some advice.
Just tell me what to do.
Well, it's your house, Blanche.
You have to make
your own decision.
Since when have
you all been so shy?
We always tell each
other what to do.
Honey, are you
all right? I'll be fine.
Is this about
Arnie? No, Blanche.
She's upset because they
keep changing the taste of Coke.
Arnie wants me
to go away with him
on a cruise to the Bahamas.
Oh.
Oh, and you're upset because
he wants you to pay your own way?
I'm upset because
we'll be all alone.
In the middle of the
ocean. On a ship.
In a stateroom. With a bed.
Oh.
I don't know what to do.
I haven't... been with a man
in that special way
since Charlie died.
Get out of here!
It's true. Charlie was
the only lover I ever had.
And my first time was
on our wedding night.
Get out of here!
Oh, back off, Blanche.
Not all of us are classified
by the Navy as a friendly port.
Maybe it sounds strange
but, without Charlie,
I thought that part
of my life was over.
I never gave it a
second thought.
Until now?
Then I think you
should go on the cruise.
Honey, if the situation
is right, you'll know it.
But I'm not sure I'm ready.
Oh, honey, I know what
you're going through.
The bottom line is, if
you take a chance in life,
sometimes good things happen,
sometimes bad things happen.
But, honey, if you don't take
a chance, nothing happens.
I'm gonna take a chance.
Oh, that's wonderful!
Oh, great, Rose!
Oh, I have to look in my closet.
I don't even know what to wear
for the first night on the ship.
A life jacket and
a great big smile.
Gee, I wonder what
Rose is doing right now.
You mean, you wonder
if she's doing it right now.
No, I just wonder if maybe we
didn't push her into something too fast.
What I can't understand
is how in the world
she managed to wait 15 years.
How long did you
wait after George died?
Till the paramedics came. Ma!
What about you, Dorothy?
Who was the first after Stan, hm?
Blanche.
Her divorce lawyer.
How did you know?
It's always the divorce lawyer.
Oh, it was a
terrible time for me.
You know, I'd gone on an
eating binge when Stan left
and I put on quite
a bit of weight.
Plus, I was not a 20-year-old.
You know, when you're
20, no matter what you do,
everything stays
where it's supposed to.
Now when you lean over,
it looks like somebody's
let the air out of your face.
What?
Honey, lean over a mirror some
time and take a look at yourself.
Where's a mirror? There's
one in the tool drawer.
I think you'd better take a
sedative before you look.
Don't be silly. I look
at my face all the time.
How different could
it be leaning over?
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, Dorothy,
why didn't you tell
me about this before?
Only on your back, Blanche.
That way everything slides back
and you look like
you just had a face lift.
Oh, you're right. I'm gorgeous.
I'm gonna have to
meet men lying down.
I thought you did.
Of course, that way, not
only does your face fall back
but your chest does too.
Unfortunately, it falls
back and off to the side.
Well, it's too late to do anything until
morning. We might as well get some sleep.
I can't sleep. I'm
wound up tighter
than the girdle on a
Baptist minister's wife
at an all-you-can-eat
pancake breakfast.
Wow, that's tight.
Back in St. Olaf,
when I couldn't sleep,
I'd get into my pajamas and
have a nice glass of warm milk
and slip under the covers
and count cows
jumping over my bed.
It'd usually work like a charm,
except every once in a
while there'd be a cow
with a particularly low udder
and it would brush across
my forehead and wake me up.
I just don't know
what I'm gonna do.
I'm just torn and confused.
Guess I'll have to think
about it all tomorrow.
After all, tomorrow
is another day.
Calm down, Scarlett. There's
no need to be so dramatic.
Please. She can't help it. Everyone
around here acts like a ham.
There's been more bad acting,
bad dancing and bad
singing under this roof
than a Suzanne Somers Special.
Rose!
Blanche!
Dorothy!
Go, Dorothy, go!
Gosh, I didn't realize
how long Dorothy's solo is.
I sure hope the doctor
says she's gonna be all right.
I won't dance. Don't ask me.
Pay attention.
You're in for a treat.
Oh, Ma, not another act!
No, Dorothy, not just
another act - the act.
I've taken a classic and
reworked it Sophia style.
♪ Thanks for the medicare
♪ For Blue Cross and Blue Shield
♪ For a hip that finally healed
♪ Remember on prescriptions
♪ Generic is a steal
♪ We thank you so much ♪
OK, what do you think?
Now, don't hold back.
I can take the criticism.
Depressing.
Awful.
Stinky.
Go to hell, all of you!
I will not have that
filthy beast in my house.
It belongs in a barnyard.
This is not a farm chicken.
Count Bessie is a show-biz
chicken. Wait till you see this.
A show-biz chicken. What
does she do? Play the piano?
She plays the piano.
You just wait till you see this.
OK, honey, come
on. It's showtime.
Yeah, come on,
sweetheart. Oh, I know.
I know. Here we go.
OK, Count, hit it!
Isn't she incredible?
What do you say,
girls? Can she stay?
I guess so. All
right. Oh, thank you.
Just be sure to keep
her in her cage. Oh.
Maybe I can convince the count
to give us some live
entertainment with dessert.
Have you any requests?
How about "Bye Bye Birdie"?
Girls! Girls, Count
Bessie is missing.
I went out to the garage to
feed her and her cage was empty.
Where could she be?
Aunt Angela...
Where did you get this chicken?
The garage.
I guess this means no live
entertainment with dessert.
Oh, hello, there. How'd
you do? We came in second.
Oh, that's terrific.
What'd you get?
Treated badly.
They told us to
get out of the way
when they took the winner's
picture with Anita Bryant.
Oh, what do those old judges
know? I'd love to hear your song.
Oh, forget it, Blanche. Please.
Oh, no. The whole experience
was too painful. Please.
We want to put it out
of our minds. Please.
Hit it, Rose.
♪ I have to say what I feel
♪ Miami has so much appeal
♪ A great place to
get a seafood meal
♪ Miami
♪ Miami, Miami
♪ You've got style
♪ Blue skies, sunshine,
white sand by the mile
♪ When you live in this town
♪ Each day is sublime
♪ The coldest of winters
♪ Are warm and
divine ♪ Miami, Miami
♪ You've got style
♪ Blue skies, sunshine,
white sand by the mile
Hit it! ♪ There's ball
clubs and nightclubs
♪ All within reach
♪ Dance the samba till morning
♪ Then lie on the beach
♪ Each view is a postcard
♪ Each day a great
time Going home!
♪ The cream of the
crop, it's the top of the line
♪ Miami, Miami
♪ You've got style
♪ Blue skies, sunshine,
white sand by the mile
♪ Miami ♪ You've got style ♪
Look, you're all confused and
upset about this house business.
There's only one thing you
can do. What is that, Sophia?
Take the advice of
a wise old Sicilian.
You, Sophia? No. Charlie Callas.
Many years ago, my
father had a similar problem
when he was selling real estate.
I didn't know that Grandpa
ever owned any real estate.
He didn't. That was the problem.
You see, it turned out he
really didn't own the Vatican.
Although he did have
a very close friend
who swore he was there
the night Pop won the
deed in a card game
from Pope Ronnie
the Magnificent.
Sophia, you're not
making any sense.
Excuse me, Mrs.
Kierkegaard, it's 4am.
Ma, is there a point to this?
And if there wasn't,
what are you gonna do?
Put decorative bars on my
window? Yes, there is a point.
If you're gonna sell real
estate, make sure you own it.
Sophia, I do own this house. Oh.
Is anybody else hungry?
Now that you mention it, I
could really go for a pizza.
I've been thinking
about Chinese.
I could go for a
burger and fries.
Why don't we order it all?
Oh, Sophia, that'd be crazy.
So, this would be the
first time we did something
a little out of the
ordinary around here?
Ma, thank God you're here.
Arrested for prostitution.
I can't believe it.
Sophia, we're
innocent. I know that.
I can't believe these
dumb cops would think
anyone would pay
money to sleep with you.
Sophia, did you
come to bail us out?
No, Rose, she's dropping
off a manicotti with a file in it.
Well, girls, we're gonna get to
see Mr. Burt Reynolds after all.
I thought these beautiful tickets
were all gonna go to waste.
So which one of you isn't going?
Well, I'm the one
who won the tickets.
Yeah, well, my mom's the
one who's bailing us out.
I lost Butter Queen.
Haven't I suffered enough?
We'll draw straws. No.
We'll flip a coin. No!
Sophia, we had this all settled.
Now, try and be understanding.
Understanding? I came
down here to bail you out
and you're still
not letting me go?
Ma, will you stop complaining
and get us out of here?
Where are your
roommates, Mrs. Petrillo?
They're not here. Ma!
Don't "Ma" me,
you cheap floozie.
Ma, Ma, you would do this
to your own flesh and blood?
You'll get over it, Dorothy.
And if you don't, who cares?
I'm on my way to
see Burt Reynolds.
And then - you're
gonna love this -
Dom DeLuise takes me by the
arm and insists I tell Burt the story.
Sophia, I don't want to
hear any more about it.
Not even the part
when Burt and Dom
insisted I repeat the
story to Loni Anderson?
That's it. I don't want
to hear another word.
Oh, Cinderella's
back from the ball
and her three wicked
roommates are jealous.
We are not jealous,
Ma. We are angry.
You left us sitting in jail.
Hey, I sent over the bail money.
You were out an hour later.
I think that was
just about the time
I was nibbling a giant shrimp
out of Jerry Reed's hand.
You're making this whole
thing up just to rub it in.
You have never met these people.
Jealousy is a very
ugly thing, Dorothy.
And so are you in
anything backless.
Hello.
Is Sophia around? Oh, hi, Burt.
How about a little lunch? Listen, if
you're buying, how about a big lunch?
Great.
My God, you're
Mr. Burt Reynolds.
I hope so, otherwise I got
the wrong underwear on.
These the roommates
you told me about? Yeah.
Which one's the slut? I am.
Rose, it is not here!
Look again. It has to be.
Rose, I have read every want
ad in the paper. Mine is not here.
Are you sure you dropped it
off at the newspaper office?
Dorothy, you told me exactly what
you wanted me to do a dozen times.
Any idiot could have done it.
I know, honey, but you were
the only one going downtown.
Are you sure that you dropped
it off at the newspaper office?
Yes! Six people already
called while you were out.
Give that to me. I'll
try and find it for you.
Dorothy? Have we met?
Not yet. I'm here because
of your ad in the paper:
"Willing to do anything, $8 an
hour, no job too big or small."
Yes, yes, of course.
Please come in.
I'm sorry. I didn't expect
people to actually come here.
I just figured, you know,
that I would be going to them.
That's the way it'll
work in the future,
when my video camera
gets back from the shop.
So tell me, what type of work
is it that you need done, Mr...
Toto. Mr. Toto.
Oh, no "Mr." Just "Toto."
You're Dorothy, and I'm Toto.
At least for the next $8.
Dorothy, you owe me an
apology. Your ad's right here.
Oh, Rose, this is
the personals column.
So what? So what?
You put an ad in
the personals column
that said I will do
anything for $8 an hour?
Oh, look, it's right
under an ad that reads:
"History professor seeking
nonsmoking Oriental woman
who is into Wesson oil
and bears a resemblance
to Florence Henderson."
Is that signed "Doug"? Yes.
I know him. He's a sick man.
I'm terribly sorry for
this mix-up. Goodbye.
Oh, my God, I
don't believe this!
I'm gonna call the cops if you don't
get out of here right away, you pervert!
Hi, Father Rossi.
Here's the canned
goods for the needy.
Oh, no.
Oh, I'm... I'm terribly sorry.
I promise that I
will say Hail Marys
until Madonna has a hit movie.
Hi. Here's my $8. Let's
get started, Dorothy.
Oh, I'm not Dorothy. She is.
I'll give you $4.
Let's get started.
How would you like your rear
end kicked across the street?
Oh, great. Here's the other $4.
Girls.
Girls, there is a busload
of Greek sailors out front.
They wanna know how
many drachma there are in $8.
Girls, guess what I found.
Fernando! That's not Fernando.
What do you mean, that's not
Fernando? How could you tell?
All you have to do
is look in his eyes.
Or at the price tag
stuck to his back.
Oops! Thanks
for trying, Blanche.
It's nice to know I have a
friend like you... who cares.
Dorothy, I have a
confession to make.
Rose didn't lose Fernando.
I gave him to Daisy when she was
helping out with the rummage sale.
Well, then there's
no problem, honey.
Just call Daisy and
get Fernando back.
She's a very sweet
kid. She'll understand.
I tried that. She said no.
What do you mean? She's
not a sweet kid anymore.
She's holding
Fernando for ransom.
Come on!
Dorothy, she sent
me one of his ears.
You! Good morning.
Well, kid, what do you
want? I changed my mind.
I was wrong to ask
for all those gifts.
Dorothy, you see? I knew
she'd come to her senses.
I decided cash is better.
That way I can buy
exactly what I want.
I'll get my purse.
No. Blanche, I'm not
gonna let you do that.
I've been doing
a lot of thinking.
If, after all the years of
love and companionship,
Fernando and I are meant to part
company, I'll just have to accept that.
Time to time, life deals
you an unfriendly hand.
There's nothing
you can do about it.
I guess there's a lesson
to be learned here.
Sometimes life
just isn't fair, kiddo.
I cannot talk
about this anymore.
I'm just gonna call Yakamora
and give him my decision.
Go ahead. Make your call.
We'll give you some privacy.
We'll go in the other room.
Come on, Ma. Let's go.
What do you think
she's gonna do?
I think she's gonna sell.
It's just too much money.
Oh, no. Blanche is too
sentimental. I think she's gonna stay.
What do you think,
Ma? Ma! Quiet.
Oh, this is just the operator.
Your phone is working fine.
Ma, what did you hear? You're
never gonna believe what happened.
You are never gonna
believe what happened.
Yakamora decided
not to buy the house.
What happened?
Well, he went on a shopping
spree and he spent all his money.
He bought a department
store in Fort Lauderdale
and a condominium in Orlando,
a baseball team in Tampa,
and I think one of
the Landers sisters.
But what were you gonna tell
him? What if he hadn't backed out?
What difference
does that make now?
The important thing is
we're staying together.
You were gonna sell,
weren't you? Damn straight.
But I was not gonna
let it break us up.
We are staying together.
I don't care what happens.
We are family. We are a team.
Come on, everybody, group hug.