The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 4, Episode 24 - Foreign Exchange - full transcript

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

Dorothy, give me a
seven-letter word which means:

"lonely, middle-aged woman
desperate to meet men."



Is that a clue on your
crossword puzzle?

No, I'm getting you a personalized
license plate for your car.

Here you go, sweetheart.

Dorothy, have you ever heard of
something called dirty-dancing?

Well, of course, Blanche.
They did it in that movie.

What movie? Lawrence
of Arabia, Rose.

This flier that came in the mail

says they're gonna start
a dirty-dancing course

down at Lawson's dance studio.

What do you say,
Dorothy? Oh, no.

I can't see myself
swinging my hips

and wildly gyrating my pelvis.

I am not interested.

And the world heaves
a collective sigh of relief.



Rose, how about you? You
wanna learn dirty-dancing?

I don't know. For
some odd reason,

dirty-dancing
always sounds dirty.

Come on, Rose. You
know you like dancing.

I like square-dancing.

This is just like
square-dancing.

All right, count
me in. Oh, great.

Just one thing.
When you do-si-do,

your legs are wrapped
around your partner's neck.

Oh, look. It's a letter from my friends
Philomena and Dominic Bosco in Sicily.

Oh. They're visiting Miami
with their daughter Gina.

Who are they? Oh,
well, Gina and I were born

within minutes of each other
at the same hospital in Brooklyn.

That's when Ma became
friendly with Philomena,

before the family
moved back to Sicily.

Will the Boscos be
staying with us, Sophia?

Unless there's a bidding
war with the neighbors.

Well, even if we lose, at
least they'll be close by.

Don't worry. They won't be any
trouble. They'll all stay in my room.

Oh, Ma. Three people in one
bed? What'll the Boscos say?

If you throw in a goat, they'll
say, "This is just like home."

Hi, Ma.

Here. I wanna know what
you think of my pasta pesto.

It's for the Boscos.
They'll be here any minute.

Ma, this is awful.

I'm also boiling the
crud off the sink stop.

Try the other pot.

Hello, Dorothy. Hi, Sophia.

Hi. Tell me, how
did the class go?

Oh, not so bad, really,

although it was harder
than I'd expected,

but I'm sure that in time I'll
be able to master the technique

and absorb the subtleties.

She stunk.

But the teacher
said I was a natural.

Let me get this straight.

Blanche couldn't get the hang
of dirty-dancing but you could?

Dorothy, now do you see
why I'm so embarrassed?

Can you imagine a dance with
movements just like making love,

and I can't do it?

Relax, Blanche. Maybe
standing up is what's throwing you.

There are the Boscos.

Philomena! Sophia!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, this is such a
warm, wonderful moment.

Oh, I just wish I spoke Italian

so I'd know what
they were saying.

So good to see you, Sophia.

So good to see... Oh!

And this must be Dorotea.

You know, you
probably don't remember,

but over 50 years ago I
held you naked in my arms.

And you peed on his suit.

It's OK. Look.

You can hardly see it anymore.

Oh, let me introduce my
friends. This is Rose and Blanche.

Oh, what a charming old
world couple. Welcome to Miami.

Questa mi sembra
una donna di strada.

What did she say? Er, she says she wants
to thank you for your gracious welcome.

Oh, my Italian
must really be rusty.

I could swear she asked
if you were a streetwalker.

Tell me, where, uh, where
is Gina? Isn't she with you?

She's outside. She's bartering
with the cabby, you know.

Imagine a man who
take cash over a rooster.

Well, tell us, now, what
brings you all to Florida?

Well, we are here to take our
daughter back to Sicily for her wedding.

Yeah, but Gina came with you.

Gina... is not our daughter.

She's not? No.

You are our daughter.

Please, ignore him.

The man spent 90
days on the high seas

drinking grain alcohol
from a goat bladder.

Dominic speak the truth.

After Gina take a blood
test for her marriage

we find out it is not
possible she is related to us.

At the hospital there must
have been some mix-up.

You mean they
switched the babies?

Oh, but this is ridiculous.

Absolutely. We can prove it.

Dorothy, show 'em
your driver's license.

Look.

Look, I know this is a shock,

but it gets better.

You are getting married.

To the most handsome
man in the village.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

There is not one shred of
evidence, not one logical reason,

why I should not believe
that this woman is my mother

or that Gina is
her real daughter.

Buongiorno. I'm Gina.

Oh, Ma, that's disgusting.

Can't you find a better
place to clip your toenails?

Don't call me Ma. Call me
Sophia like my other friends.

Look, Ma, I am very upset,
so please stop teasing me.

Dorothy, I've never told
this to anyone before.

The day I left the
hospital with you,

I had a gnawing feeling
in the pit of my stomach.

Because you suspected
I wasn't your daughter?

No, because I was
in labor for 38 hours.

And the doctor bought his obstetric
tools from a restaurant supply store.

Now, stop talking
crazy and go to bed.

Good night.

Dorothy, you got
a cough drop? No.

A hard candy? No.

A Tic Tac? Does it say Kmart
on the back of my nightgown?

As a matter of fact, it
does, you cheapskate.

You know, Ma, I remember
when I was a little girl...

Oh, God.

I used to have these terrible
nightmares - monsters in the closet -

and you'd always let
me sleep in your room.

You remember, Ma?

And I remember how you and
Pop would get me to stop crying.

You'd put your arms around
me and kiss me and say:

"As long as you're in my arms,
everything's gonna be OK."

Ma, that's what I need now.

A parent to hug me and tell
me everything's gonna be OK.

Don't worry, baby.

Everything is gonna
be molto bene.

What the hell is going on here?

I heard your voice
in the hallway.

I wanted to see why my
bambina was up so late.

Don't call me your bambina.

Dominic, you wake the bambina!

Stop saying that!

Don't raise your
voice at your mama.

You're not too old for me
to take you across my knee.

You lay a finger on me, your teeth
will be back in Sicily before you are.

That's my girl!
You've got lots of spirit

just like your beautiful mama.

Thank you.

- This has gone far enough.
- What's gone far enough?

I was talking to her. Look, from
now on she'll be Ma number one.

You're Ma number two... I'm
slowly going out of my mind.

All right. Enough.

Tomorrow I'll go to the
hospital and have a blood test

and settle this whole mess
once and for all. Capeesh?

Now, go to bed.

Oh, thank heaven this'll
all be settled tomorrow.

Thanks, Ma.

Oh, I love you, Ma.

Ma. Ma?

Are you talking to me?

But Blanche... Don't
even speak to me.

What you did was terrible.

I've never been so
humiliated in my entire life.

That's not true. What about the time
you got caught with the Orkin man?

Don't comfort me, Rose.

All right, girls. What happened?

Blanche and I went dancing.

She was sure she
could out-dirty-dance me,

even though I am better in
class, so we went to a club.

Well, I got up first,
and I was pretty good

and then Blanche got up.

And she was bad?
Well, I couldn't tell.

I was blinded by the
reflection off some gold chains

on a guy named Mick.

But I think the
laughter spoke for itself.

That's enough, Rose.
Dorothy, what are you doing up?

Oh, I couldn't sleep.

I just keep thinking about Ma
and whose mother she really is.

You're worried she
might be Gina's?

No, I'm worried she
might be Phil Rizzuto's.

I've noticed the
phrase "holy cow"

creeping into her
conversation a lot.

Oh, Dorothy, you have
nothing to worry about.

Blanche, of course I do.

I am confronting the possibility

that the woman I have lived with

and known and
loved for my entire life

may not even be my mother.

Honey, that's exactly the point.

What's the difference if she
did or didn't give birth to you?

You two really know each other
and you really love each other -

a lot more than most mommas
and their children ever do.

Nothing that has happened

or will happen can
ever change that.

Of course, I could be wrong.

Excuse me. Would you like a
cup of coffee? Oh, no, thank you.

The vending machine
gave me two by mistake.

Hospitals. Nothing ever
works the way it's supposed to.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Just because a
hospital vending machine

screws up a lousy cup of coffee

doesn't mean the hospital
did anything wrong.

Oh, sure,

a mistake like getting two babies
mixed up makes the headlines.

But the point is -
statistics back me up -

hospitals are remarkably
efficient institutions.

I mean, seriously.

How often does a
hospital mix up two babies?

Have you ever heard of
such a thing? Well, have you?

Are you here for the
methadone program?

I'm sorry. I'm here for
my mother. Surgery?

No. Blood test. Oh.

You? I have someone
going into surgery.

I can understand why
you'd be a little nervous.

No matter how many times you
have to go through something like this,

I guess you're never
really prepared for it.

Look at me. My
hands are shaking.

I'm sweating. My
head is spinning.

I wish I could be
only a little nervous.

Dr. Watkins to OR.
Dr. Watkins to OR.

Well, that's me. I have to run.

Ma, what took you so long?

All they did was
draw a little blood.

At my age, that's like
wildcat-drilling for oil.

Ma, when are you gonna get
the results of the blood test?

I'm a nervous wreck.

It'll only take a few
minutes. Relax, would ya?

Oh, Ma, how can I relax?

Any minute now somebody can walk in here
and tell me you're not really my mother.

Let me remind you of something
that may set your mind at ease.

Are you going to tell a story?

No, I'm gonna sing
a Negro spiritual.

Shut up and listen.

Do you remember the
first day you went to school?

No. I do.

You looked so adorable in that pink and
white polka-dot dress. I loved that dress.

Even after you outgrew it,

it was tucked away in an
upstairs closet for years.

You put it away for
sentimental reasons?

No, your brother
Phil hid it there.

He used to like to wear it
when he visited the firehouse.

Anyway, we got to the school

and I walked you
to your classroom,

and as I turned to
go you started to cry,

"Mommy! Mommy! I want Mommy."

But the teacher told
me to go, so I did,

and I left you there
screaming, crying,

with the tears pouring
down your face.

I guess all kids go through
that the first day of school.

No, you were the only one.

It took a good half-hour
to calm you down,

but that didn't last long.

Oh. What happened?

Every time the
teacher turned her back,

little Debbie did
something she shouldn't.

Of course, her mother was the same
way every time her father turned his back.

The woman was a real tramp.

Yeah. But, uh, you digress.

Right.

So, there's Debbie
putting gum in your hair,

hiding your lunch, stealing your
toys when no one was looking.

When I come to pick you up, I figure you'll
say you never wanna go to school again.

But what do you
tell me? You love it.

You made a new
friend named Debbie.

Ma, what the hell
does this have to do...?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

How did you know what happened?

If the teacher didn't
see Debbie... I saw.

I stood at the window and
watched you for four hours,

in case you needed me.

You didn't? No big deal.

Any real mother would
do that for her kid.

Mrs. Petrillo? I have
the result of your test.

Thanks.

Let's roll.

I'm really looking forward
to dance class today.

I can see that. You're wearing
your heat-seeking stretch pants.

Blanche, you're not
dressed for class.

That's because I'm not going.

Why not? Why not?

I will tell you why not.

Because I cannot flounce
around a dance floor

like some cheap
trashy slut in heat.

Lord knows, I've tried.

Blanche, look... Rose,
please. I do not need a lecture.

I am a klutz. I can accept that.

I guess it's no big thing.

You're just awkward
when it comes to your body.

Say what?

You have no coordination.

Obviously the stories about
all your romantic escapades

have been greatly exaggerated.

Just what is that
supposed to mean?

Blanche, if you can't
do a simple dance,

how do you expect
me to believe that story

about you and the
Flying Fanelli Brothers?

That was all true.

To this day I get flushed
every time I pass a junglegym.

Oh, come on, Blanche.
That story is no truer

than the one you told about
you and Buzz in the lunar module.

Oh, that does it.

Rose, I would never lie
about the US Space Program.

Awkward when it comes to
my body, huh? No coordination?

You wanna see a body
defy the laws of nature,

physics and Dade County?

You just hit that music,
girl, and follow my lead.

Look into my eyes.

Rose.

Hi, girls.

This is not what it looks like.

What they do is their
business, but if I ever

see your hand on
Rose's behind it'll kill me.

Ciao, everybody.
We gotta catch a boat.

Oh, Ma, they're leaving.

We're taking our daughter
Gina back home to marry Guido.

Your daughter Gina?
Well, what about Dorothy?

Dorothy. What'd they
say about the blood test?

We didn't wait
around for the results.

I don't need a blood test
to tell me who my mother is.

A mother is someone
who raises you

and loves you and is
always there for you.

I don't need any more
proof than that. Me neither.

I raised her,

and I was the one who got
her through that awkward period.

The 50 toughest
years of my life.

That's the same way
we feel about our Gina.

It's not that it wouldn't be nice to
have you as a daughter, Dorotea,

but we love Gina.

And so does Guido. He wrote us
he could never love anyone but Gina.

He wants us to return
her to him right now.

Dorotea, I am so sorry
we put you through all this.

You would have made
a wonderful daughter.

But then, you already have -

for your mother, Sophia.

Arrivederci.

Ciao. Ciao.

Ciao.

Oh, what sweet people.

Oh, I hope everything
works OK for Gina.

Why shouldn't it? She's got a man
waiting for her back home who owns a goat.

In Sicily that
makes you a yuppie.

You know, Rose, all that dancing
has just done wonders for me.

I feel so energized.
I feel so alive.

I feel like working this
body up into a manic frenzy.

Well, great. We still
have time to get to class.

Who cares about class?
The circus is in town.

I say we go look up the
Flying Fanelli Brothers.

How about a cup of tea, Ma?
Hm? Good idea, pussycat.

Ma, you never thought I
wasn't your daughter, did you?

Of course not.

Because if you wanna
check the results...

Oh, don't talk crazy. Go on
and make the tea. I'll be right in.

What have you
got there? Nothing.

Ma, when you said you forgot your keys
and you went back into the waiting room,

you got the results
of the test, didn't you?

What if I did?

Let me see the lab results, Ma.

Mrs. Petrillo to you.

Then I'm not your daughter.

Got you, Dorothy! It
was just a shopping list.

You have absolutely
no sense of humor.

Just like your uncle Vito.

At least, I think he
was your uncle Vito.

Kidding. Just kidding.