The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 4, Episode 23 - Rites of Spring - full transcript

As the girls vow to get in shape for an upcoming beach party, they recall past attempts at self-improvement.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

Hi, Ma. What are
you eating? Ziti.

Ma, it's nine o'clock
in the morning.

You're eating a bowl of pasta?

No, I'm eating a
bowl of Nabisco Zitios.

Of course I'm eating
pasta. I need to gain weight.

I'm wasting away, Dorothy.
What do you mean?

I got weighed this morning. I
couldn't believe what I saw. 98lbs.

What do you usually weigh? 99.

Ma, you lost one pound.

Thank you, René Descartes.

I'm looking for
advice, not arithmetic.

Ma, you cannot get
upset over one pound.

Maybe you can't. I can.

For 50 years my weight
hasn't changed by an ounce,

and as far as I'm concerned,
until I'm back to 99,

I'm no longer Sophia Petrillo.

Morning, Dorothy.
Morning, Sophia.


Dorothy, do you realize
it's only two weeks

till Phyllis's Memorial
Day beach party?

There's only two weeks till we have
to get back into bathing suits again.

Well, I just slipped
into last year's bikini

and I think I look pretty good,

but you give me
your honest advice.

Can I still pull it off?

Right now I'd be surprised
if you could cut if off.

Are you implying that I
might have gained weight?

There's only one way to
find out. Here's the scale.

Oh, fine.



Sophia, were you looking?
Uh, no, not till you stepped off.

But I know it's not a good sign when
the first rebound goes into the low 120s.

Blanche, honey, don't worry.

All you need is a
little spring tune-up.

And I suppose you
don't? No, not really.

Prove it. Put your money
where your mouth is.

If there isn't already
a sweet roll there.

All right, all right,
but, now, nobody look.

I always thought you had to
pass zero to hit that number.

Obviously the scale is broken.

I'm not surprised after
that kind of punishment.

Rose, you think you're so
tiny, why don't you get weighed?

Oh, I don't need to.
I never gain weight.

Show us, Rose.

Well, OK, but I can promise you

I weigh exactly the same
as I did on my wedding day.

(all) Moo!

Obviously we all need
to lose a few pounds.

We might as well
start right now.

It's still two weeks
until Phyllis's party.

Oh, but how?

We could try another health
club. Oh, no way, Rose.

I'm sure you haven't forgotten
what happened that time we tried that.

Remember the outfits we ended
up with? Oh, Lord have mercy.

This seems like a nice club.

But it's for women only.

What's wrong with the
nice coed gym we just saw?

Come on now, Blanche, that
was nothing but a pickup scene.

People running around in skimpy
outfits, collecting phone numbers.

That's not true. I was not in a
skimpy outfit and I got all these.

Hello. My name is Yvonne.
Have you been here before?

See? You go to a woman's
gym, you get hit on by a woman.

I work here. I'm sorry. I
didn't mean to imply anything.

She just thought
you were a lesbian.

Yvonne, we want to join a gym.

What kind of exercise
are you interested in?

Nothing radical, just to
lose a few pounds Tone up.

Slim down. Get into
my summer wardrobe.

Get into my winter wardrobe.
Get into my bathrobe.

Yvonne, we are desperate
women. You've got to help us.

I know just what you need.
Aerobics. It's what I do.

But, Yvonne, you're much
younger than they are.

I know you'll love aerobics.

It stretches every
muscle in your body.

Honey, I've been
stretching this body for years.

Blanche, sticking your
feet out of the sunroof

of a Chrysler New
Yorker doesn't count.

We have a beginners'
class starting in 15 minutes.

With some hard work, your
body can look as good as mine.

All right. We better
get you some outfits.

Oh, it's OK. We
brought our sweats.

Sweats? Look, ladies, if
you're serious about training,

you want to get
off on the right foot,

starting with good
workout shoes.

Now, these are beautiful,
and a bargain at $85.

$85? That's a bit exorbitant.

And expensive too.

We do have cheaper brands,

but anyone who's serious
wouldn't even go near them.

Then we'll take those. Fine.
You'll also need aerobic suits,

warmup outfits, wristbands,
headbands, leg warmers.

Wait a minute. Wait a
minute. Leg warmers?

You need to keep your thighs
warm. What are you using now?

Friction. That's why we're here.

Ladies, I'm sorry.

When you told me you were
serious, I took you literally.

Just forget this stuff.
Wear your sweats.

Oh, no, Yvonne.
We want all that stuff.

We do. We really
do. Well, I don't.

I'm gonna stick with my
sweat suit and my PF Flyers.

I'll see you girls
in the locker room.

Yvonne, she's not serious.
Never has been, never will be.

OK, then you'll need new gym
bags, water bottles, vitamin packs,

and most importantly, a sports training
bra to minimize jiggle and bounce.

Yvonne, honey, I think you're missing
the whole point of having breasts.

We'll take them. Great.

Nice outfits, girls.

Shut up, Rose.

I'm Yvonne and this
is it! Whoo! Whoo!


OK, everybody,
let's warm up. Whoo!


And stretch.

Legs wider.

Oh, ow. That hurts.

I'm not having any trouble.

Why is it that
doesn't surprise me?

OK, everybody on their feet.

(lively music starts)

Whirlybirds. Whirlybirds.

Jackhammer. Jackhammer.

Windshield wipers.
Windshield wipers.

Charley horse. Charley horse.

She has a cramp, you pea brain.

All that money and we only
went twice. Can you believe it?

What are you cooking now, Ma?

A Petrillo family delicacy.

Double-fudge, amaretto,
ricotta cheesecake.

What's in it?

This cake is guaranteed to
make me gain back that pound.

Ma, all this eating
you're doing is ridiculous.

Now, I am sure you are
already back up to 99lbs.

We'll see.

Wrong again, Kreskin. Still 98.


I can't remember the last time
I weighed 98. Probably college.

Where'd you go to
college, Blanche?

The University of Jupiter?

Girls, we still have one
big problem to solve.

How are we gonna make
ourselves look good for the party?

How else, Rose? By dieting.

It's gonna take a little patience
and a little determination,

but mostly it's
gonna take willpower.

We are facing
some long, painful,

hunger pang filled nights.

Who wants to lick
the spoon? I do.

Maybe we could just
change our hairdos.

Now, we cannot do that, Dorothy.

I'm still trying to recover
from the last time.

Remember, about the same
time of year - two years ago, was it?

That little dinky place.

Gee, Ma, I don't know if
this was such a good idea.

I think you're right.
Maybe I should've done

my own hair. I've
been doing it for years.

That's why it looks like something
you buy on a stick at halftime.

Sophia, we're just
a little bit nervous.

This is a very important
event. We want to look perfect.

Please! The man works with
scissors, not a sandblaster.

Ma, this is all a mistake.
We don't belong here.

This is one of those Miami
Beach shops for little old ladies.

Come on, let's get out of her

All right, ladies. Whose
hair do I wash next?


I'm first. I'm the dirtiest.

Oh, God, you are gorgeous.

Yes, I know.

I am Eduardo.

Eduardo, tonight is important
to us. We want to look our best.

Don't worry, ladies. After Eduardo
does a woman's hair, the years melt away.

She's transformed into a
breathtaking, sensuous,

vivacious goddess of beauty.

I tried to get all
that on the sign,

but they charge by the letter.

We should begin by your
telling me what you would like.

Here. I have a picture.

This is not you.

You are a vixen.

For you, I see a saucier cut.

An Audrey Hepburn look.

Simple, elegant,

and something to accent
these delicate features.

Can you really do all that?

My dear, in many respects,

styling hair is
like making love.

To do it well, one
must have trust, respect

and a chair you can
pump up and down.

I am your clay. Mold me.

Not so fast, Eduardo.

What are you
going to do with me?

You have good bones.

Yes, this is a
strong, noble face,

full of wisdom and sincerity.

You could be a Greek goddess.

Go on, Eduardo.

I said go on, Eduardo.

Give him a break. He barely
got it out once with a straight face.

What about me? Could
I be a goddess too?

No, no. You are an earth mother.

Sweet, compassionate,

but bubbling with sensuality
just below the surface.

Oh, that's a relief. All this
time I thought it was gas.

Ladies, it's time.

Time to walk through
the looking glass.

Time to take that last
glimpse of your former selves.

Time to take that giant step

into the world of Eduardoism.

You've been drinking
again, haven't you?

Right. The magic begins.

Oh, I'm feeling younger
and sexier already.

Dorothy, how do I look?

Like something that
came out of the air duct

of the starship Enterprise.

What? What?

Ladies, it's time.

Time for the unveiling of
another Eduardo masterpiece.

Sit back, feast your eyes,

and meet the woman you
always dreamt you could be.

Eduardo, you've done it again.

And again.

And again.

Sophia, I still cannot
believe you talked us into that.

Please. You three
looked gorgeous.

We didn't even
look like ourselves.

What's your point?

Ma, you are not helping matters.
We are trying to think of a way

we can make ourselves
look better for that party.

OK, let me think.

It's too bad we're
not back home.

There's no place like Sicily.

Why do you say that, Sophia?

Because in Sicily I could
solve this with one phone call.

To whom? Nicodemo the Ugly.

Whenever you wanted to
look gorgeous at a party,

you hired him to be your date.

You mean women paid him

to stand next to them at
parties and look disgusting?

Please. They paid
through the nose.

That's also how he usually
gave them their change.

Girls, maybe we don't even
need to worry about our bodies.

At the counseling center, we teach
people that changing their dispositions

can sometimes be just as effective
in making a good impression.

Rose, if you're
thinking of one of those

personality-enhancing exercises,

you're forgetting we
tried that already once too.

And I'll never try that again.
Remember? Three years ago.

It seems like yesterday.


What's the matter, Pussycat?
I can't balance my checkbook.

Oh, to hell with it. I'm
only off by a few pennies.

A few pennies. To
you it may not be much,

but in Sicily a few pennies could make
the difference between owning a gun

and having to insert bullets
into your victim manually.

OK, Ma, I'll try it again,
but believe me, (doorbell)

there's nothing in
this world I hate more.

I spoke too soon.

Hi, babe. It's me, Stan.

Wait, let me rephrase
that. It's me, the new Stan.

What are you talking about?
Don't you notice a difference?

Can't you see the glow? Can't
you see the light radiating off me?

Sure. It's the porch light
glaring off your head.

I thought I heard a man's
voi... Oh, it's you, Stan.

I'm so happy you're all here.

I have just had an
incredible experience

that I wanted to share
with my dearest friends.

So what are you doing here?

I just finished a seminar with an
encounter group called Realizations.

Realizations. Let me guess.

It's a group that promises to
remove all emotional blocks,

self-denial and lifelong
hang-ups in two days.

Miss Know-It-All, for your
information it takes three days.

So what did it do for you?

I've learned a hell of a lot
about what makes Stanley run.

Why I'm so reluctant
to make commitments,

why I can't keep friends,

why all my business
ventures seem to fail.

I finally have an answer.

Because you're a schmuck?

Did you take this seminar?

Stan, I think we've
heard enough.

Look, I've gone through a
life-changing experience.

I feel like I'm free
to love anybody.

Oh, please. You said the same
thing after you had your vasectomy.

That's OK. In Realizations,

I learnt that people usually
hurt each other unintentionally,

therefore they deserve
a second chance.

I hate you.

Nothing can bother me. Not now.

I'm in a fellowship
that accepts me,

cares for me and loves me.

They'll always be there for me,

and I'd like to enroll all
of you in that fellowship.


But you've got to. Why?

Because if I don't meet my
quota for enrolling new people

in this loving, accepting,
caring fellowship,

they're gonna kick
me out on the street

and never speak to me again.

Please. At least hear me out.

All right, Stanley. We'll listen to
what you have to say. Beautiful.

How about we all go
someplace and get comfortable,

get some coffee,
have something to eat?

I'll go change.

Why? We're only
going into the kitchen.

Boy, I hope you have some
cheesecake. Stan, that's it.

I've had it with your
freeloading. Get out.

Dorothy, you have
so much hostility,

so much aggression,
so much mistrust.

This problem goes
deeper than I thought.

I'm gonna need a steak
with that cheesecake.

Get out! Dorothy... Out!

I'll just leave
you the brochure.

Can you believe that man?

He actually thought
he was gonna help us.

Well, he did have one good idea.

What was that?


You know, Dorothy, to this day I cannot
understand what you saw in that man.

Picture a man 20lbs lighter,

long, wavy hair,
rippling muscles.

I can't believe Stan
looked like that. He didn't.

Do you think if I ever met
a man who looked like that,

I would've married Stan?

Maybe we shouldn't
be so tough on the guy.

This brochure actually
looks interesting,

once you get past the
picture of the guy in the turban

waving from the front
seat of the Rolls-Royce.

Sophia, those
things are just silly.

"The unexamined life
is a life not worth living."

That's very deep.

And if you're into
this, very reasonable.

It's 17.95 for that slogan

printed on a
turban-shaped night-light.

Oh, that is so typical.

All those swamis
are just out for a buck.

They can't teach you anything

that anyone with any common
sense doesn't already know.

I didn't know that.

A visual aid.

Oh, really, Ramdas?
If it's all so easy,

let's hear you
answer this question.

"Describe your best friend."

Dorothy, that's a
really good question.

Oh, yes, and I'd love
to hear the answer.

Well, my best friend is a woman,

someone I have a great
deal in common with.

Is she pretty? Yes,
she's attractive.

Attractive as in wholesome?

Or attractive as in drop-dead
stunningly gorgeous?

Attractive as in attractive.

All right. What else?

She's someone I share
my innermost secrets with

in strictest confidence.

You mean like the time you told me
you borrowed Blanche's car, dented it,

and said the bag boy at
the grocery store did it?

That's not a secret. I
just forgot to mention it.

I think she means more
like the time she told me

that she went skinny-dipping
with your cousin Lars

before he gave up the
pulpit back in St. Gustave.

That's a better
example of a secret.

Oh, then you have been talking
about me. I'm your best friend.

She's been talking
about me, Blanche.

I haven't been talking about
either one of you. What?

I've been talking
about both of you.

I mean, how could I
chose between you two?

You're both my best friends.

Dorothy, how sweet.

Oh, that just gives me a
warm, tingly feeling all over.

If you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go slip under
the covers and enjoy it.

OK, Dorothy, she's gone.
You can tell me the truth.

You were talking
about me, weren't you?

That's OK. It'll be
our own little secret.

That, and the dent
in Blanche's car.

Got you.

You are such a liar. What?

Neither of them
is your best friend.

Admit it. I'm your best friend.

You're right.

I was talking about you, Ma.

You are my best friend.

Just like I'm your best friend.

Best friend? Please.

You aren't even
my favorite child.

When you were 13, there were
neighbor children I liked better.

Best friend.

How about picking up a tab
once in a while, pal of mine?

Or letting me open my
own social security check?

Best friend! Yeah, right.

That little exercise certainly did
not enhance things around here.

Oh, I wouldn't say that.
After Ma blabbed the truth,

you turned the silent
treatment into an art form.


Oh, there's my cake. Oh, Ma.

Now, you cannot eat cake
after that big bowl of pasta.

It's not healthy.

Sophia, I just
thought of something.

You're worried
about losing a pound.

Have you ever thought you may not
be the same height you always were?

You know, Ma,
Blanche could be right.

This could be exactly
why you're losing weight.

Come with me.

Remember the first
week you were here,

we put a mark on the back wall
to measure how tall we were?

You said they did
that at the home

to show how your
height was declining.

Oh, Blanche is right.

You are a little bit shorter.

You don't have to worry
about losing weight.

And you don't have
to eat that cake.

Why do I get the feeling you three
are most happy about the last part?

Oh, you mean us have some cake?

Honey, we can't do
that. We're dieting.

Sure smells good though.

Looks even better.

Bet you it tastes
even better than that.

You three are dieting.
I'm throwing it away.


Oh, girls, we can't do this.

Now, remember the party.
It's two weeks from Saturday.

No, it isn't. This year
Phyllis moved it to Sunday.

Then we have an extra day.

We can worry about
our bodies tomorrow.

I'll get the plates.
I'll get the forks.

I'll get the hot fudge.
I'll get the butter.

We may have to grease the doorway
to get the three of you out of here.

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