The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 4, Episode 22 - Sophia's Choice - full transcript

Sophia breaks her friend Lillian out of a retirement home that is worse than Shady Pines was. Meanwhile, Blanche decides to use her work bonus to have her breasts enlarged.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for being a friend"

Girls, I am so excited. I
just got a big bonus at work.


And guess what I've
decided to do with it.


I'm gonna have my
breasts enlarged.

You're not serious, Blanche?

Oh, sure I am. Breasts
are back in fashion.

And what God didn't give
me, Dr. Myron Rosensweig will.

Oh, that man is the
Picasso of plastic surgeons.

Just be sure he doesn't attach
one of them to your forehead.


Hello. What's shaking?
Blanche's breasts.

That's why she's
gonna have 'em...

Shut up, Rose.

Ma, I haven't seen you all
morning. Where have you been?

I went to see my friend Lillian.

Lillian, at Shady Pines?

Oh, you remember Shady Pines?

That retirement home you stuck
me in that resembled Sing Sing.

My mistake, Sing
Sing has a movie night.

Sophia, how is Lillian?

I don't know. She wasn't there.

There was someone else
in her bed. It was weird.

Lillian? Oh, did
you say Lillian?

My God, you got a call
about her this morning.

I was so caught up in
my breasts, I totally forgot.

It happens to all
of us, Blanche.

That's why my
rent check was late.

It's from your friend
Gladys at Shady Pines.

She says Lillian was
sent to Sunny Pastures.

You see, Ma,
your friend is fine.

Fine? Are you kidding?

Sunny Pastures is the
worst nursing home in the city.

It's every old
person's nightmare.

That, and a childproof cap
on the Kaopectate bottle.

Ma, if it's licensed by the state,
your friend will be just fine there.

You don't understand.
It's where people wind up

when they can't afford
a place like Shady Pines.

It's the bottom of the barrel.

I have to see if Lillian is OK.

What? Ma, wait.

If it'll make you feel
better, I'll take you.

Oh, good. Now while we're there,

will you promise you'll hold
my hand the entire time?

Oh, Ma, are you
really that scared?

No. I just wanna make sure

you're not grabbing at
brochures behind my back.

Oh, Rose, hi. Listen,
I just picked up

these pamphlets at
a cosmetic surgeon,

and I want you to help me
decide which alterations I'll get.

Blanche, none of these
women have any tops on.

Well, I know, honey.

These are the "after"
pictures of satisfied customers.

I was thinking about having
my breasts done like hers.

All right, Blanche, but do you
think black really suits you?

I was talking about the shape.

See, these are regal
and dignified and upscale.

And 50 percent off.

Dr. Rosensweig over-ordered
on the Vixen 3 model.

Blanche, are you sure
you're not being a bit silly?


Let me tell you something.

When I was a schoolgirl,
I developed early,

and all the boys
noticed and hit on me.

Not one boy was ever
interested in my mind.

Get outta here.

It's true.

But you, Blanche, I mean,
men are drawn to you

because of your charm

and your wit and
your zest for life.

I mean, you can have
the operation or not.

Men won't care one
bit about your breasts.

Really, Rose? Not
with me around.

Oh, hi, girls. Did
you all find Lillian?

You bet we did.

And that Sunny Pastures was
everything that Ma said it would be.

And how. There
was crud on the floor,

rats in the hallway, and
60 people to every blanket.

It wasn't fit for human life.

Although, in my
village in Sicily,

it would have been
a two-star motel.

Ma, you're exaggerating.
But not by much.

It was pretty bad.

Boy, when you hear
horrible stories like that,

it brings up so many questions.

It sure does.

Why do we let things
like this happen?

Why can't we care for our
elderly the way they do in Japan?

Why are there 17 sets of
hooters on the coffee table?

Those are mine, Sophia.

Oh, well, let me put on
my big surprised face.

Oh, I just wish there was something
we could do for the poor thing.

There is. I wanna sort of
adopt Lillian, visit her often.

I'm gonna need rides.

Oh, you can count
on us, sweetheart.

You sure can.


Now, come on, it's getting
late. Let's get dinner, hmm?

Notice how they seem to
follow you wherever you go?

This is it, Sophia?

Well, this doesn't seem so bad.

Believe me, you
have to get into it more

before you realize
how bad it really is.

Just like War and Remembrance.

Excuse me, ladies, but
visiting hours are over.

Oh, then I guess
we'll just come back...

No, we don't. We're
not here to visit.

We're not?

No, we're here to see
about checking in Mom.

You two are sisters?

Uh... It's a long, involved,
and somewhat sordid story.

If you want to get
a clearer picture,

I suggest you rent the
cassette of Chinatown.

Sophia, what's going on?

It's a little surprise.

We're not visiting Lillian as
much as we're breaking her out.

What? We can't do that.

I mean, that's wrong.
What if we get caught?

Lillian is a great friend.
Will you do it, please?

Well, OK.

Good. I'll keep the staff
busy, you get Lillian.

She's down the hall,
last door on the right. Go.

Hello. I'm John Porter.

I'm in charge of admissions.

Oh, yeah. Hi.

I wanted to talk to
you about my mother.

About checking her in?

No, about her collection
of commemorative plates.

Of course about checking her in.

She's 125.

You can't pry the
yogurt out of her hands.

Uh, I'll get the
papers from my office.

OK, Sophia. Let's go.

Go where? That's not Lillian.

You said you were Lillian.

You think I'm in here
because I'm good with names?

Rose, try again.
She's in bed 68.

Now hurry.

Come on, honey.

OK, let's fill this out.

Uh, please. Um... And you are?

Sophia. Sophia Pe... Hawkins.

OK, Mrs. Pehawkins, um...

Maybe you can tell me
about your mother's history?

Picture it. Sicily, 1900.

An olive-skinned woman
sets sail for the new world.

I was talking about
her medical history.

So was I. You think that
was a pleasure cruise?

There was smallpox,
scurvy, typhoid.

And that was business class.

What I need to know is,
does your mother require

any special medical care?

She does. Uh...

An old war injury.
Remember the Maine?

She didn't.

She was a frogman and
swam right into the bulkhead.

They put a metal
plate in her head,

and now she gets HBO
through her eyeballs.

Don't look at me like that.

If Tyson has another fight, you
may wanna set her up in the rec hall.

This is all hard to believe.

If it's not true, my name
isn't Sophia Pehawkins.

Excuse me.

Rose, what the hell is going on?

I ask for Lillian,

you bring me Eubie
Blake's parents.

What's wrong?

They were the only
other people back there.

There is no way
Lillian is in this ward.

Hi, Sophia.

What are you doing here?

Oh, Lillian.

Thank God I found you. I'm
taking you away from here.

You are?

How are we gonna get out?
What about them? Leave it to a pro.

Runaway wheelchair!
Runaway wheelchair!

Wait a minute! Come back here.

Oh, hi, Blanche. How was your
appointment with Dr. Rosensweig?

Well, I was so nervous
that I just rushed

right in there and
pulled off my top,

and said, "Well,
what do you think?"

What did he say?

He said, "I think you're probably
looking for Dr. Rosensweig."

"But if you ever want a discount

on life insurance, call me."

Oh, boy, do I need
a cup of coffee.

What's the matter? Oh,
this whole Lillian thing.

The woman was up all
night. Ma is exhausted.

Oh, this is all my fault.

Ah, well. Don't worry about it.

At least I called the home and
checked her out for a week's visit.

So we're not kidnappers anymore.

Ma, sit down.

Ma, we need to
talk about Lillian.

I said I'll take care of her.

Ma! I already take
care of you three,

so I'll do a little more
cleaning, a little more cooking,

and make up one
more bed in the morning.

Sophia, you don't make my bed.

I know. It's impossible
to put a fitted sheet

around a big, hairy
guy named Ed.

Hello, everyone. Isn't
it a lovely morning?

It sure is, sweetheart.
How about some pancakes?

Again? We had
pancakes yesterday.

Lillian, you weren't
here yesterday.

Here you are, honey.
A nice cup of tea.

Lillian, Sophia tells me

that you were in
the Ziegfeld Follies.

Oh, yes. Those were the days.

You must have been something.

I was quite a looker.

Almost as pretty as you.

Why, thank you.

Of course, I had bigger breasts.

Sophia, do you think I could
take a bath before breakfast?

It's been a while. Let me help.

She's my friend.
I wanna help her.

Oh, it's just wonderful
to think about, isn't it,

the two of 'em together?

And they're so cute.

Thinking about your breasts
again, aren't you, Blanche?

I don't know this place.

Lillian, it's OK.

And I don't know you.

Lillian, I'm Dorothy.
And this is Sophia.

We're your friends. We brought
you here from the home last night.

Oh, OK, right. I'm sorry.

Now, why don't you go
and take that nice, hot bath?

Come on, sweetheart.

Ma, maybe you need a break.
Why don't you sit this out?

What? Like I can't handle it?

Like it's too much
for poor old Sophia.

Like I'm so ancient, I
don't have the energy.

Get the lights on your way out.

Well, I guess it's my shift.

It's OK, Dorothy. I
think she's finally asleep.

Oh, thank God. I am exhausted.

I haven't been this tired
since my wedding night.

Well, a night of unbridled
passion should take it out of you.

Who said anything about passion?

I was tired from picking up beer
cans from Stan's poker buddies.

I just cannot believe

Lillian's only been
here 24 hours.

I cannot believe that Ma thought
she could handle her alone.

It's almost too much
for the four of us.

This just makes me so mad.

I mean, people like
this really need help.

Then there are places
like Sunny Pastures.

Well, there weren't any
Sunny Pastures in the South.

At least, not when
I was growing up.

I remember this one old
man. His name was Ben.

All he did all day
long was sit out there

on his family's front porch

in that old hickory
rocking chair

and whittle.

Just whittle.

I used to pass by there on
my way home from school,

and I'd say, "Hi, Ben."

And he'd yell
back, "Hi, Blanche.

Stay away from my grandsons."

Anyway, I realized
that Ben could spend

all his days happy,
whittling away,

because his family
was there for him.

I will never forget
that look on his face.

He was happier than
a Kentucky yearling

frolicking in blue grass

as high as a hoot owl's
perch on the top of a spring...

In English, Jethro! In English!

He was happy.

Anyway, Ben got older,

and I guess a
little bit frail, and...

This is the hard
part of my story.

One autumn day, I walked by
that porch and old Ben was gone.

I bet he died in the
bed he was born in.

No, he was sent up the river

on a morals charge.

Are you OK, Sophia?
You're awfully quiet.

What? Oh, it's just
that talking about Lillian

makes me think about the future.

Oh, Ma. Honey, you have
nothing to worry about.

Who said I was
talking about my future?

You three aren't exactly
spring chickens, you know.

She's right.

One way or another,
we're all in the same boat.

I know, but right now,
our big problem is Lillian.

We obviously can't
take care of her,

and Sunny Pastures
is not doing its job.

What are we gonna do?

I know what I'm gonna do -

make Sunny Pastures do its job.

I'm gonna see the
man who runs that place

and give him a good what for.

I can be pretty mean and
pretty tough when I want to be.

There's only one
thing I'll need.

What, Dorothy? My
mother to come with me.

No, no, no, no.

I have the purchase order
right here in front of me.

This was your mistake,
and we're not paying for it.

Problems, problems, problems.

The world is bringing me
problems. And you are?

We are the world.

I'm Dorothy Zbornak.
This is my mother Sophia.

We're here to
talk to you... Hello.

No. No, I did not
order 40 fry-pans.

It was 40 bedpans.

I'm sorry. You were telling me?

What we wanted to talk to you...

Sorry. Hello.

Oh, good. Tell
'em to drop it off

at the south end
loading dock. Right.

I'm so sorry. It's
always like this.

You were saying?

Mrs. Zbornak?

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I just figured if I
opened my mouth

that the phone
would start ringing.

Anyway, what I...

That's OK. I'll
just let it ring.

We're here because we
have a very dear friend

who is a patient here,

and we have some concerns.

She's a lovely old woman,
very sweet and very kind,

and we would really
hope that in some way,

you know, you could...

Dammit! Will you
answer the phone?


Bill the insurance
company first.

The state takes
care of the rest.

So, you have some concerns
about Sunny Pastures?

Actually, they're
more like complaints.

Oh, complaints? Oh, well...

What you need to do is fill out
these forms and mail them back to me.

Yes, and then what happens?
Then it goes right here into my inbox.

This is outrageous.

Lillian's problems
cannot wait that long.

She is old, she is sick, and
she needs better care right now.

I agree.

What? Look, ladies,

Sunny Pastures doesn't
operate at a profit.

Our patients' social security

and Medicare pay
most of our bills.

The government
subsidies pick up the slack

so we can meet
minimum standards.

Then maybe minimum
standards aren't enough.

Right again.

And this year, the
government's made cutbacks.

We're operating in the red
and doing the best we can.

Are you telling me that
nothing can be done?

Look, I'd love to
help your friend.

I'd love to help
all our patients.

And if you have any ideas

on how to make it
better, I'm all ears.


Well, girls, how did it go?


I can't believe you
live 80, 90 years

and wind up in a place
like Sunny Pastures.

I guess money makes
the world go round.

Hey, you live 80, 90 years,

just getting up too fast
makes the world go round.

Hi, everyone. Where's Lillian?

I have some really good news.

She's napping. What news?

Well, I spent the day
going around town,

and I think I found the
perfect place for her.

Really? Well, it's not
as nice as Shady Pines,

but the staff really
seems to care,

and the patients are happy.

Rose, that is fantastic.

And it won't cost any
more than Sunny Pastures?

Well, that's the
one little problem.

Lillian's benefits won't
quite cover the costs.

She'll need another
$150 a month.

Little problem? Rose, how could
you get our hopes up like that?

I mean, who has an
extra $150 a month?

I do.


I do!

We'll use that bonus
check I got at work.

But, Blanche... Don't try
and talk me out of it, now.

My mind is made up.

Blanche, are you
sure? Sure, I'm sure.

Lillian ought to be
covered for two years

with that money in
my bosom account.

Blanche, I'm proud of you.

But why the sudden
change of heart?

Oh, well.

I guess this cosmetic surgery
business is pretty trivial, really.

I'll do fine with
what God gave me.

Having Lillian here
made me realize

that my problems
are pretty trite.

I suppose something like this

does make your breasts
seem rather small.

Well, sort of.

Well, then. That's that.

Lillian's problems are
solved. Isn't this terrific?

Terrific? Ma, this is wonderful.

I mean, this is a
real happy ending.

So, how come I don't
feel all that happy?

I don't know.

Is it because we know
that Lillian's just plain lucky?

That a lot of old people
do slip through the cracks

and are forgotten?

And maybe it may not be too long

until we're elderly ourselves?

I know, girls.

Let's make a pact

that we'll always take
care of each other.

That we'll never desert
each other, no matter what.

You can count on me, honey.

Do you think it's gonna be that
easy getting rid of me, Rose?

That was rhetorical, Rose.

Ah, but what a
comforting thought,

knowing you'll never be alone.

And listen, what the hell?

If we do have to go
to a nursing home,

let's all go together.

But what happens when
there's only one of us left?

Don't worry. I can
take care of myself.