The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 4, Episode 21 - Little Sister - full transcript

Nobody believes Rose when she says that her younger sister, Holly (Inga Swenson), is a troublemaker.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for being a friend"

Ma, did you have a sardine
sandwich for lunch again?


Ma, what the hell is
Dreyfuss doing here?

Calm down. I just
ran into Harry Weston.

They're all leaving town, and they
needed someone to watch Dreyfuss.

I volunteered. Yeah,
well, unvolunteer.

Why? You think I can't do
it? You think I'm irresponsible?

Yes, Ma.

You think I'm
forgetful? Yes, Ma.

You think I'm irresponsible?
You already said that.

That's emphasis.

You never heard the "I
have a dream" speech?

Ma, face it. You
cannot be trusted.

Every time you get yourself
into something like this,

I end up covering for you.

I am not gonna end up
taking care of this dog.

Did I ever mention that I
almost died giving birth to you?

The pain was so intense,
they gave me a towel to bite on.

They gave you a
towel at the hospital?

What hospital? You were born on
a pinochle table at McSorley's bar.


Like your father was a
member of the Etna family.

The closest he ever got to a hospital
was when he came to deliver ice.

Ma, guilt is not gonna work.

You're right, Dorothy.

I was naive to think
you'd give an old woman

one last chance to regain
her daughter's respect.

Now I guess I'll just stick
my head in the oven...

All right, Ma!

Maybe guilt will work.

But, Ma, this is the last time.

Oh, thanks, pussycat.
You won't regret it.

Now, would you mind taking
him out for a walk tonight?

Ma, forget it, forget
it. The dog is all yours.

Oh, come on.

Why is there a big
hairy beast in my house?

My guess is because
he bought you dinner.

Well, Blanche, I gotta run.

Well, thank you for a
lovely afternoon, Gary.

I hope I see you
again real soon.

You can count on it.

Bye, Gary.

Well, you and Gary certainly
seem to have hit it off.

Well, why shouldn't
we? The man's perfect.

He only owns the
most successful chain

of funeral homes
in Greater Miami.

With this heat
wave we're having,

he's got 'em stacked up like
firewood in all four locations.

Hi, girls. Is she here
yet? Who, Rose?

My sister. I left you a note
on your bathroom mirror.

Why did you leave a note
on my bathroom mirror?

It was the only one
that had enough steam.

Which sister is this, Rose?

My younger sister Holly.

Frankly, I'm not
too happy about it.

This is a terrible thing to
say, but I don't really like her.

We haven't gotten
along since we were kids.

Why is she coming here, then?

Well, she's here on business.

She's a world-renowned flautist.

She plays the flute?

No, Dorothy, she
plays the flaut.

It's a Scandinavian instrument

that looks like a tuba, except
it's got hair on the bottom.

Of course she plays the flute!

I'm sorry, I guess I'm
just a little wound up.

That's Holly now. Will you
guys help me through this?

Well, sure, absolutely.

Thanks a million.

God, I hate this woman.


Oh, Rose!

Oh, Rose! It's so
good to see you.

You look just wonderful.

So do you. Come on
in and meet my friends.

This is... Wait, wait! Let me!

She's attractive, witty,
and great fun to be with.

This must be Dorothy.

And she's smart, sexy
and stylish to a fault.

This must be Blanche.

Did I get it right?
You're right.

Thank goodness. I worried all the
way over here I'd get it backwards.

I could have lived
with smart and sexy.

You do live with smart and sexy.

Who's this?

Holly, this is...

Oh, wait, now, Rose, let me.

She's feisty, zesty, and
full of old-world charm...


She's mopey, dopey, and
full of crap, Rose's sister.

Don't mess with me, kid. I
have the home-court advantage.

Honey, what you looking for?


Now, Sophia, tell me the truth.

All right. Dreyfuss is gone.

He ran away?

No, we had a falling out

and agreed to a
trial separation.

Of course he ran away. When?

I'm not sure. I
have it pinpointed

sometime between 10:15
today and late last Thursday.

You have no recollection of
Dreyfuss since last Thursday?

I have no recollection,
period, since last Thursday.

Anything could have
happened in three days.

I just hope I'm not carrying
Steve Garvey's baby.

Honey, listen, don't panic.

As soon as the girls
get home from work,

we'll fan out through the
neighborhood and find Dreyfuss.

No go, Blanche. I need to
handle this myself. Why?

Because if Dorothy
finds out I lost Dreyfuss,

she'll never trust me
with anything again.

That's why I'm begging you.

Please, promise me,
on your mother's grave,

you won't breathe a
word of this to Dorothy.

You promise?

Yes, sure, Sophia.

Good. Now I can save
what I know about you

and the twin rabbinical
students for another time.

Hi, Rose.

Hi, Gary. Come on in.

I just wanted to drop
off Blanche's earrings.

They must have fallen off
in my car the other night.

I'll get Blanche.
She's in the kitchen.

No, don't do that.

Actually, there's something
I want to talk to you about.

What is it, Gary?

Rose, I find you
very attractive.

Much more attractive than most of
the women I come in contact with.

Aren't most of the women
you come in contact with dead?

What I was talking about is us.

Would you consider
going out with me?

What about Blanche?

I think it would be best
if she stayed at home.

Unless you know
something that I don't.

You're disgusting!

Gary, hi! What are
you doing here?

I was just bringing
back your earrings.

Well, I've gotta run.

Thank you. See you Saturday?

You bet, darling.

Rose Nylund, if I
didn't know better,

I might think you were
tryin' to steal my boyfriend.

I'm innocent, Blanche.

I know it. That's why
Gary's dating me.

Ha ha ha!

He's a lewd, horny,
oversexed beast with five hands!

You don't have to build
him up to me, honey.

I like him fine already.

It's 5:00. Where's Holly?

Out with Dorothy, I think.

Still? Oh, I'm gonna owe
Dorothy big for this one.

You know something, Rose?

I don't think you're
being fair to Holly.

Now I spent three
afternoons with her this week,

and she was lovely
company each time.

Last night she even
took me out to Antonio's.

Antonio's? But that's right down by
my office. Why didn't you guys call?

Holly did call. She said
somebody said you weren't there.

But I was. Well, I guess
it was just a mix-up.

The point is, we had a
terrific time. I really like Holly.


That has to be one of the
funniest stories I've heard in ages.

Doesn't Rose ever
tell St. Olaf stories?

All the time.

Hello, Blanche. Hi,
Rose. Hi, darling.

Well, it sounds like you
girls had a nice afternoon.

Nice doesn't
begin to describe it.

We went shopping,

we had lunch, we saw a movie,

and we picked up
theater tickets for tonight.

Oh, great. What are we seeing?

Oh, I feel terrible.

See, you told me you'd
probably be busy tonight,

so I just got seats for
Dorothy and Blanche and me.

Oh, well, honey, don't
worry. You can have my ticket.

Oh, no, Dorothy,
that wouldn't be fair.

No, the three of you should go.

And we can meet
for coffee afterwards.

Oh. Great.

She's doing it again.

First it was Antonio's,
then it was the tickets.

She's leaving me
out intentionally.

Rose, they were just

Now you're
overreacting. I guess so.

Oh, these things happen
between sisters all the time.

I remember once
my sister Virginia

wouldn't talk to me for a month,

all because I smiled
at her boyfriend.

There. Listen to Blanche.

Of course, I was skinny-dipping
on his property at the time.

Don't listen to Blanche.

All right, it was his bathtub.

We were blowing suds off of
each other when she walked in.

Blanche, what is
the point of this story?

Point? There's no
point. I just like telling it.

Well, Blanche,
what do you think?

Sophia, what have you done?

Saved my puckered little
Sicilian behind, that's what.

When Dreyfuss didn't come
home again this morning,

I went to the pet shop and got
a duplicate. Amazing, isn't it?

Yeah, except for one thing.

Dreyfuss came
home this afternoon.

Holy cow!

Don't worry, just take that
dog back to the pet shop.

I can't, the pet shop's
closed till Monday.

Somebody help me
with the groceries.

Oh, great. That's Dorothy.

I gotta get both dogs into
my room. Come on, boys.

You know, Sophia, I'm not
too sure that's a good idea.

Dorothy sees me with these two,

she'll know I screwed up.

Yeah, but there's something I
think you're not considering here.


Oh, dear. Sophia, I think
you're maki" a big mistake.

I just need to keep the
new dog hidden till Monday.

It's a piece of cake. That's
not the mistake I mean.

With both those dogs
in the same room,

how are you gonna know which is
the old one and which is the new one?

I'm screwed.

Oh, come on, help me with these.

We have to meet Holly at
the movies in ten minutes.


I am so mad, I could spit.
Rose, what happened?

It's Holly. Those
directions she gave me

for meeting you guys for
lunch were totally wrong.

Come on, now, Rose, you don't
think she did that to you on purpose?

Well, I do. Oh,
honey, that's silly.

You don't know Holly.

She just got her
directions all mixed up.

It was a mistake.

Just like it was a mistake

leaving me out of
dinner at Antonio's,

and a mistake leaving
me home from the play?

Rose, you are
overreacting to this.

Now calm down. Let's
just go and enjoy the movie.

What movie?

We're meeting Holly.

Didn't she mention it to you?

No! And I'll suppose you'll say

it's just a silly mix-up.

Well, I'm not falling for
that again. I'm not going.

Fine, Rose, fine.
But I do think it's time

that you realized that
Holly is a terrific person

and would not do anything
to hurt you or anybody else.

And the sooner you realize
that, Rose, the happier we'll all be.

Come on, Blanche.

Another slice of
cheesecake, Blanche?

Oh, I really shouldn't.

Honey, what harm can it do?

Lately you've been
eating like a bird.

Yeah, Rodan.

Oh, girls, I'm so
glad you're still up.

I need to talk to you.
I have a problem.

Oh, honey, we know you do.

You gotta stop buying
your hair colorin'

out of the 99-cent-or-less
bin at the Pic 'n Save.

This problem has
to do with Holly.

Her hair's not the
color of a Twinkie.

Holly has done
something terrible,

Blanche, and I think
you ought to know...

Listen, darling, whatever it is,

I'm really not interested.

What? Blanche and I
have been talking about this.

There is a problem, all right,

but it's not between
us and Holly,

it's between you and Holly.

Ever since she arrived, you've
been trying to convince us

that she's been
doing terrible things.

And, Rose, it simply isn't true.

See, we happen to like Holly.

So, whatever the problem is,

will you just kind
of leave us out of it

and you settle it with her, OK?

All right, Rose, out with it.

What did Holly do
that's so terrible?

Why do you care? You
won't believe me anyway.

Hey, Sicilians can always
recognize two things -

when someone
is telling the truth,

and when they've had
their fingerprints changed.

I know whatever you're
gonna say is the truth.

This afternoon I saw Blanche's
boyfriend, Gary Tucker,

kissing my sister Holly.

Oh, please. You're such a liar.

I swear on my mother's grave.

OK, OK, I believe you.

What should I do, Sophia?

Well, this is a very complex
and perplexing question.

It has to do with
honesty, friendship,

love, hate... all the biggies.

So what should I do?


Socrates sat under
an olive tree in a sheet

for years thinking
about this kind of stuff.

I'm a poor immigrant with
a third-grade education.

Give me two minutes!


OK. I got it.

My Uncle Carlo
always used to say,

"Honesty is the best policy."

Of course, Uncle Carlo
died a penniless drunk.

I don't understand.

The point is, if you're honest
every second of every day,

it doesn't always
turn out for the best.

That was the case
with my Uncle Carlo.

He honestly remembered
the license number

of the trigger man in
the Sanducci vendetta.

So what you're saying is that because
nobody's gonna believe me anyway,

I'm better off if I
let people find out

what's going on for themselves.

I wouldn't chisel that
into a stone tablet,

but it sounds
serviceable at this hour.

Oh, thanks a lot,
Sophia. Good night.

Uh, hold it, Rose.

I need some advice too.

You need advice from me?

Yeah, frightening, isn't it?

It's about Dreyfuss.

OK. What about Dreyfuss?

The other day I
thought he was lost,

so I got a second dog, and
then the first one came back.

Sophia, are you kidding me?

Come see for yourself.

Wow, two Dreyfusses.

No, one Dreyfuss.

I want to return the second,

but I don't know how
to tell which is which.

That's where you
come in. What do I do?

Well, there's only
one thing I can think of.

We used to do it
back on the farm,

and I may be a little
rusty, but it's worth a shot.

Whatever it is, do
it. I'm desperate.


Here goes.

Dreyfuss, come here, boy!

This one's Dreyfuss.

I don't get it, Blanche.
This isn't like you.

Come on, Gary calls at the
last minute, cancels your date.

You're not the least
bit upset or suspicious.

Well, Dorothy, give
me some credit.

What kind of person
would doubt a man

whose mother needs
emergency gallbladder surgery

to save her life?

Besides, the hospital said the
operation would take five hours,

and that restaurant just would
not hold our reservations past 8:30.

Blanche, Dorothy!

I wasn't expecting
you home till later.

Well, I got off work early,

and Blanche's
plans were canceled.

So what are you
up to tonight, Holly?

Oh, nothing. Just a
quiet evening at home.

Where did those pants come from?

According to the label, The Gap.

Hold it, Dorothy.
Don't you get it?

Holly has company!

Well! Nice going, girl.

You're a pretty fast worker.

I guess that's something
we have in common.

That's something else
you have in common.

Gary Tucker. You
miserable, no-good lowlife!

You told me your mama
was havin' surgery.

She is.

Blanche, please let me explain.

Why? So you can make
up some cockamamie story

about how you're two
ships that passed in the night

and it'll never happen again?

Save your breath, I've
heard all that before.

You have? Yes, only
usually I'm one of the ships.

Well, Rose, it's all
out in the open now.

I can see that.

Holly, I'd like to speak with
you in the kitchen, please.

Well, uh, I'll just
grab my pants and go.


Rose, I don't need
a lecture. It's over.

No, it's not.

I'll leave in the morning.

Obviously, I won't
be coming back.

So that's where it ends?
Well, that's neat, isn't it?

You walk in here, borrow
my friends for a while,

then start acting
like a stupid jerk

and waltz right out as if
nothing ever happened.

Do you want an apology?

I want an explanation.

Holly, I can't figure you out.

You're smart, you've got
a career, you're attractive.

Why do you always have
to act like such a jackass?

Maybe I just never learned to be
the great person my big sister was.

Oh, Holly. It's true, Rose.

You always had
the friends. I didn't.

You had boyfriends, girlfriends.

You were friends with
every animal on the farm.

I never learned
how to make friends.

You never learned
how to keep friends.

You never thought of
anybody but yourself.

It's about time you
stopped looking around

for other people to blame.

This is your problem.

Oh, I always used
to feel so guilty

for not getting along with you,

but that's over.

Just because we're sisters

doesn't mean we
have to be friends.

I'd like to be someday, but you're
gonna have to make the first move.

Goodbye, Holly.

Honey, are you all right?

I'm fine.

Oh, Rose, honey, can
you ever forgive us?

Well, it all depends.

Will you believe what
I say from now on,

even if it isn't what
you want to hear?

Oh, of course we will.

Will you believe
me when I tell you

that somebody isn't
as nice as they seem?

Of course we will.

Will you believe me when I
tell you about how our pig Lester

always predicted the
Best Supporting Actor

Oscar winner every
year since 19...

Don't push it, Rose.

OK, I forgive you.

Oh, there he is.

I've been looking
all over for that dog.

Harry Weston just pulled up.

Time for Dreyfuss to go home.

Now, see, that
wasn't so bad, was it?

No, you're right.

Actually, he was
very little trouble.

Yeah, no trouble at all.

Now come on, Dreyfuss, let's go.

Yo, Dreyfuss!
It's checkout time.

He's acting as though
Dreyfuss isn't even his name.

Of course Dreyfuss is
his name. Right, Dreyfuss?


Come on.

Maybe we'll swing by the
pet shop on the way home.