The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 4, Episode 20 - High Anxiety - full transcript

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

I didn't know you were
good at making malts.

Good? I'm an expert.



Didn't I tell you I worked in a malt
shop when I was in high school?

Soda jerk? No, thanks.
I'll have a malted.

Oh, thanks.

Aren't you gonna have
one, Dorothy? Oh, no.

After you've worked in a malt shop,
the greatest pleasure you can get

is slurping up what's
left in the blender.

Yum.

Is it any wonder I
never breast-fed her?

What are you doing out? I
thought you were in your room.

I whittled a gun out of a bar of
soap and overpowered the guards.

I went to the mini-mall.

They opened a Little
Slice of Sicily pizzeria.

So I walk in, and this guy
strikes up a conversation with me.

Turns out he owns the chain and
wants me to be in a commercial.



Sophia, that's
amazing! I'll say.

It's rare you find anybody in a
mini-mall who even speaks English.

OK. OK, Ma. Where are you
going to shoot this commercial?

Well, we discussed
many exotic locations,

and we settled on... right here.

Oh, now hold on. I don't
want a TV crew coming in here,

messing up my kitchen, setting
up all that video equipment.

How about shooting it in
your bedroom, Blanche?

The equipment's already set up.

Blanche, I don't think you're gonna
have to worry. It's not gonna happen.

Has anybody seen
a small bottle of pills?

Brown bottle, Patton's pharmacy
label, your name on the prescription?

Yeah. Never saw it.

Ma. All right.

Yesterday, I was
looking for the oregano

and accidentally
knocked them into the sink.

I forgot all about it.

Great. Now I won't be able to
refill the prescription till tomorrow.

Tomorrow's a holiday.
Pharmacy's closed.

Maybe I have another
bottle in my room.

I can't understand how you could
forget to tell Rose about that accident.

Forgive me, my memory's
not as good as it used to be.

Nothing on me is as
good as it used to be.

Once upon a time, I had a butt
you could bounce a quarter on.

Now you could lose a
Krugerrand in the creases.

Hello. Oh, I'm sorry, I hope
I'm not interrupting anything.

Dorothy, meet my
director Sy Ferber.

Sy, my daughter Dorothy.

Daughter? You're kidding.

Sy, I assure you,
I won't be flattered

if you say you thought
she was my sister.

No, no. I just had an idea.

Little Slice of Sicily
is a family restaurant,

and a mother-daughter
commercial would be great.

How'd you like to be in it?

I don't know. I'd
have to check my

schedule. You see,
I'm a substitute teacher.

Please! So someone else
sets up the driver's-ed cones.

All right, Ma.

Actually, Sy, I'd be
delighted to do it. Beautiful!

Guess what. I'm going to
be in that commercial with Ma.

Dorothy, I told you I don't
want a bunch of strangers

traipsing through my kitchen.

We'll pay you $1,000 a day.

Allow me to give
you the grand tour.

Oh, no, don't come
in here. Everyone out!

What's wrong, Rose?

The slightest noise, and
my humpaflagel cake will fall.

Oh, why, why, why?

Rose!

Honey, calm down. You
could make another cake.

Look, we're gonna
set it up over here.

Dorothy, I'll put you
here. Sophia, I want you...

Excuse me, I'm gonna have to
ask you to leave. I'm very upset.

Rose!

This man is paying
me $1,000 a day

to make a commercial
in my kitchen.

I live here. I've every
right to use this kitchen.

Miss, this'll only
take a second.

It'll only take a second to knock you on
your keister, buddy. What's it gonna be?

Look, if I wanted
this kind of abuse,

I'd be directing The
Roseanne Barr Show.

Oh, but, Sy... Look, the
commercial is off. Just forget it.

Well! Rose, now
look what you did!

I didn't do anything wrong.

Rose, why are
you acting like this?

I don't know what the hell you're
talking about. Get off my damn back!

Dorothy, what time is it?

Uh, 9:30. Why do you ask?

Phyllis Gluckman is giving
me a ride to my acting lesson.

If I'm gonna be in a
commercial, I wanna be good.

What are you talking
about? The commercial is off.

No, it isn't. I got the
director to change his mind.

He's coming back here
to shoot the commercial?

No, he doesn't want to
get anywhere near Rose.

He's gonna shoot
it at his studio.

But if he shoots
it at his studio,

then I get screwed and
have nothing to show for it.

Welcome to show business.

Well, goodbye.

Hi, Sophia. Later.

Hi, girls. Oh, loved meeting
your director friend yesterday.

Rose, are you all right?

Never better. Why do you ask?

Maybe because yesterday
you acted like a crazy person?

Oh, yeah, I'm sorry.
I was a little on edge.

Don't worry, it
won't happen again.

Rose, what are those pills for?

The doctor prescribed them
when I wrenched my back.

I didn't know you'd
hurt your back.

It's an old farm
injury from St. Olaf.

I'll never forget
when it happened.

It was time to plant the crops,

but after 17 years
of pulling the plow,

poor old Bessie was worn out.

Why didn't you just
get another mule?

Bessie wasn't a mule.

She was a big fat lady who
pulled farm plows for a living.

For God's sake!
What about tractors?

Come on, Blanche.

If she was too
old to pull a plow,

how could she
ever pull a tractor?

Anyway, we had to till the soil,

so I volunteered to pull
the plow, and I hurt my back.

How long have you
been taking these pills?

I guess around 30 years.

30 years?

Rose, I doubt that
your doctor wanted you

to take those
things for 30 years.

What makes you
such a medical expert?

The doctor prescribed those pills,
and I only take them when I need them.

Have you ever
considered the possibility

that you might be
dependent on them?

Are you calling me an addict?

I really resent that.

You think I can't
do without those?

Here, you take 'em.

Oh, come on, Rose!

No, I insist. Obviously
you don't believe me.

This is the best
way to prove it.

Rose, what the
hell are you doing?

Oh, I couldn't sleep,

so I decided to rearrange
the kitchen cabinets.

I'm sorry I woke you.
Go on back to bed.

Rose, what are you
doing with these? Nothing.

You were looking for those
pills. Blanche, get rid of them.

You can't do that. They're
mine. Get rid of them.

I thought you said you
could take these or leave 'em.

That's true, and right
now, I wanna take them.

Rose, you can't stop taking
these pills. You have a problem.

I can stop!

And I'll start
stopping tomorrow.

Oh, boy, will you be
proud of me. You just wait.

Only I can't stop
tonight. Why not?

Because... Because.

Because tonight is the anniversary
of the death of my beloved cat Fluffy.

You have never had
cats. You're allergic.

OK, it's the
anniversary of the death

of my beloved brother Fluffy.

You're gonna have
to do better than that.

Aw, give her some credit. The
woman has never told a lie in her life.

Nobody does it
great the first time.

Look, the truth is...

I can't stop tonight because
I'm afraid. I don't know if I can.

That's because you're
hooked on these, Rose.

But, honey, there's a place for
people with this kind of problem.

Please, what is she
gonna do in the NBA?

Rose, let us call a
rehabilitation center for you.

No, I don't need
one of those places.

I can't go to one of those places. I'd
be too ashamed, too embarrassed.

What is there to be ashamed
of? You have a medical problem.

Was Betty Ford embarrassed?
Was Liza Minnelli embarrassed?

She should have been.
Did you see Arthur 2?

Rose... you have to do this.

No, I can stop by myself.
I can quit cold turkey.

Cold turkey? After 30 years,

doing it alone without professional
help could be dangerous.

I won't be alone.
I'll be with you.

If you'll just see me through
the night, I know I can lick this.

Come on, what do you say,
girls? Are you in this with me?

You bet we are, honey.

This is what
friendship is all about.

Banding together when
the going gets tough.

Sacrificing sleep
and personal comfort.

Putting someone else's
need ahead of your own.

It's beautiful.

Let me know how it
turns out in the morning.

Think this is gonna
work? I don't know.

We should just go along
with whatever she wants to do.

The important thing is to
keep Rose's mind occupied.

Hey, give me some lipstick.
I'll draw a face on my hand.

What are you doing up?

I've got an hour till
my paper route starts,

so I thought I'd
do some chin-ups.

I was worried about Rose.
I'm a member of this family, too.

I'm sorry. Ma, that's
really very sweet,

considering we have to get up so
darn early tomorrow for that commercial.

I said she was family.
I'd do anything for that girl.

Well, is everybody ready for a
spirited game of Googenspritzer?

Googenspritzer? You said
we were gonna play Monopoly.

I said it was like Monopoly,

only instead of Atlantic City,
they use St. Olaf geography.

Well, I'll be the bank.

Oh, good. There's the cashbox.

Honey, this is
empty. Oh, I know.

The St. Olaf Bank was one of the
first savings and loans to go under.

Bad management?

Bad contractor.

They built the bank on
marshland, and it sank.

All that was left were
a few deposit slips

and a pen with a
chain attached to it,

floating in the muck.

Amazing. My story?

No. My patience at this
hour! Can we get on with this?

OK, I'll go first.

Four.

Oh, it says, "Pick a card."

How odd. I can
either buy the library

or the phone booth
in the center of town.

I'll buy the library.

If I were you, I'd
buy the phone booth.

Why? People use the phone booth.

It's my turn.

Oh, six.

Ha-ha! What luck! I own
Logenbeuton Avenue! Ha-ha.

Game's over, I win.

You win?

Rose, how? You bought
one street in St. Olaf.

I bought the only
street in St. Olaf.

That means I'm gonna
tear down your phone booth.

This is the stupidest
game! I could just...

Dorothy, Dorothy.

I could just play all night.

Set it up again, Rose.

Rose, how about a
piece of Bundt cake?

Oh, no, thanks.

I'll try some,
Dorothy. "Try some."

Right, like it's some
big experiment,

like you got no idea
what it tastes like.

Like you don't shovel it in by
the pound every chance you get.

Ma!

Girls, I really don't
feel very good.

I gave this a shot,
but I can't make it.

Rose, yes, you can. No, I can't.

I can't, Dorothy! It's too hard.

I wish you'd all stop acting

like you know what I'm going
through because you don't.

You don't have any idea.

Well, I might not have
any idea what it's like

to feel the kind of
dependency you do,

but there was a time in my life

when I tried quittin' something.

Blanche, you don't mean...?

Sex, Dorothy. I
tried quittin' sex.

Obviously you
fell off the wagon.

And onto a naval base.

It was just after
I'd lost George,

and it just seemed an
appropriate thing to do.

Of course it did. Your
husband had just died.

So what? I hadn't.

The point is, I was still
feeling a little vulnerable,

and I was afraid if I got intimate
with somebody too quickly,

I might end up getting hurt,
so I just gave it up, cold turkey.

And it worked for you, Blanche?

Well, not entirely.

Barely a month had gone by

before I started feeling those
awful stirrings and urgings.

I was like a
spring-bloomin' peach bud

just ripened to dewy fruition,

waitin' to be plucked by the first
handsome man to come my way.

You were looking for
some nooky. Exactly.

Then came the moment of truth.

There was a man, he asked
me to sleep with him. I said no.

But I knew something
greater than my will power

was necessary
for me to resist him,

so I called my sister. Did
she talk you through it?

Oh, better than that. She drove
straight over, took him by the throat,

said if he ever tried that again,
she'd shoot him through the head.

Just because he
made a pass at you?

Oh, did I forget to mention

that the man was
my sister's husband?

I'm going to bed. Ma, you can't.

Yes, she can. We're not proving
anything by sitting here any longer.

We might as well all go. I
can't believe I'm hearing this.

Does this mean you're giving
up when you've gotten this far?

No, it means I can see the sun
coming up over the Donaldsons' house.

It's morning. We
made it! She's right.

Oh, that's wonderful!
Oh, congratula -

I'll bet you feel
better already.

Oh, I really do and mostly
because you guys were there for me.

I'll never be able to repay you.

Think nothing of it.
We were glad to help.

Oh, I'm glad to
hear you say that

because if I can't sleep tonight,
we might have to do it all over.

So, when I say, "action,"

you pick up the
pizza, taste it and say,

"Mmm, that's a
mighty tasty pizza."

Is everybody ready?
Yeah... uh, one thing.

Do I look at my mother
or at the camera?

Look at the camera,
and here's a little tip.

Look at it like you're
making love to it.

It might help if you give her a
reference she's more familiar with.

OK, this is a rehearsal.

We're gonna run through it
once, and then we'll do it for real.

And... go!

Guess what, Ma. I found
you some real good pizza

like you used to get in Sicily.

Boy, do you stink.

Dorothy, Dorothy, relax. Just try
and be yourself. You can do this.

I'm sorry. I'll
get it this time.

All right, here we
go. Everyone settle.

And... go!

Guess what, Ma. I've
found some real Sicil...

No, that's not it.
What is the line?

"Ma, I found some
real good pizza,

just like you used
to get back in Sicily."

Ah. Sy, now I know
what the trouble is.

There's something wrong with
the line. That's why I can't say it.

Something wrong with the line?

I'm an English
teacher. I should know.

The reason I can't say it is because
the line itself is not grammatical.

See, it should be...

"really good pizza,"
not "real good."

"Perfect pizza with
pizazz." Even better.

Hey, I can act and write!

Gee, I love this business!

You don't mind if I make
the change, do you?

No, not at all.

In fact, I think I want
to make a change, too.

OK, Dorothy, let's see ya smile!

This one's for the camera.

And... action!

Look, Grandma, I've
found you a real good pizza,

just like you used
to get in Sicily.

Mmm... that's a mighty...

That's a mighty lousy pizza!

Ma, you never tasted it before?

No, and I never will again.

What the hell are
you doing? Sorry, Sy.

You can't pay me enough to
endorse that slime on a shingle.

Ma, this is a
nationwide commercial.

There is a lot of
money involved here.

Sorry. There are two
things a Sicilian won't do -

lie about pizza
and file a tax return.

Forget it, Sy.

Rose, spit it out!
But, Dorothy...

Right now, Rose!

This is Fred Flintstone.

His nose is dissolved, but
it's definitely Fred Flintstone.

They're my vitamins.

I'm sorry I didn't trust
you. Don't apologize.

But I misjudged you,
Rose. No, you didn't.

Here are my pills. I
took one last night.

But, Rose, you got through an entire night
without them. I thought you had it beat.

So did I!

Dorothy, when you were staying
up with me, I felt like I was safe,

that I could rely on your
strength to get me through it.

But, Dorothy, you're not enough.

These are even
stronger than you are.

Honey, let me call a
recovery center. No, Dorothy.

Listen, this is not just
gonna go away, Rose.

I know.

But I think the first step
is for me to make that call.

Any sign of Rose? Not yet.

You know, Dorothy,
I'm a little nervous.

Rose was on those
pills for 30 years.

If one month in the hospital
has helped her kick the habit,

she may not be the
same Rose we know.

She may be an
entirely different person.

I know because it
happened to me once.

Before my mama sent
me off to beauty camp,

I was a pencil-thin,
flat-chested, four-eyed nerd.

I don't believe it.
You pencil-thin?

Hi, girls.

Oh, my gosh, have we missed you!

Oh, Rose! You look
wonderful! Gimme a big hug!

I'm so happy to see
you! Oh, sweetheart!

Oh, Rose!

It just must feel
wonderful bein' cured!

Oh, I'm not cured.
What do you mean?

I'll never be cured, but I know now I
can live without drugs my whole life,

one day at a time.

I'm just glad you got
that monkey off your back.

I never had a monkey
on my back, Sophia.

Although, when I was a child, I
had a chicken named Gordon.

Oh, and what a great chicken!
And he was a great singer, too.

Gordon could cluck the scores

of all the big
Broadway musicals.

I've heard a lot of
poultry do show tunes,

but nobody could
hold a candle to him.

Of course, no chicken likes
to be that near an open flame.

Same old Rose. Same old Rose.

Oh, anyway, he was
a great entertainer.

We thought for a while
he was a great dancer, too,

till we discovered
he had two left wings.

He'd just shuffle along there.

Oh, how he loved music,

especially Gilbert
and Sullivan. Oh...