The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 4, Episode 19 - Till Death Do We Volley - full transcript

Dorothy blames herself when her friend and former classmate Trudy dies suddenly while playing tennis.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

Thanks, honey.

Girls, you will never guess

who I just got off
the phone with.

Trudy McMann, your best
friend from high school.

She's coming to Miami for
your high-school reunion.

Sophia, that's incredible.
You must have ESP.

No. I have a phone
extension in my bedroom.

Ma, how many times
do I have to tell you

not to listen in on
my conversations?

About twice a year.

Like your phone is
ringing off the hook.

Like you got such a
full social calendar.

You're the only person who
ever got a refund on call waiting.

All right, Ma, all right.

Dorothy, high-school
reunions can be so much fun.

I will never forget mine.

I was the most
successful person there.

Blanche, didn't you go to school with that
brilliant doctor who won the Nobel Prize?

Oh, yes, but she let
her looks go to hell.

You do sound excited, Dorothy.

Well, I am, I am.

But mostly it's about
seeing Trudy again.

A girl never had a better
friend than Trudy McMann.

(Sophia chuckles) What, Ma?

Oh, nothing. My underwear
just hiked up on me.

Right while you were lying.

Ly - Why do you say I'm lying?

"A girl never had a better
friend than Trudy McMann"?

Somebody here doesn't
remember prom night, 1946.

Why? What happened?

I don't know. I'm that somebody.

No, I think what Ma is
referring to... (chuckles)

is a little practical joke
that Trudy played on me.

All of us on the tennis team

decided that we would wear
our tennis whites to the prom.

Well, I showed up,
and I was the only one.

Oh, no!

Your date must
have been horrified.

No. Her brother was a
really good sport about it.

No, Trudy and I played
a lot of practical jokes

on each other.

It was all part of a
happy, healthy rivalry.

Oh, I was the butt of all
kinds of jokes growing up.

Actually, it ran in the family.

In our breakfast room,
we had one whole wall

covered with "kick me"
signs we had collected.

Oh, there was a story
attached to each one of them.

And in some cases,
the original Scotch tape.

So when's Trudy coming?

Uh... week after next.

Which reminds
me, I have to rush.

(Blanche) Where
to? Tennis lessons.

I figure, if she's gonna be here,
we ought to have a nice, quiet game.

Oh, that's sweet.
And a lot of crap.

I'm gonna mop
the court with her.

Oh, my. Looks like our
Dorothy still holds a grudge.

'Course she holds a grudge.
We Sicilians are good at that.

That, and holding a grudge.

Sophia, you said
"holding a grudge" twice.

Hey, if you're good at
something, you brag about it.

I am so excited.

I can't believe I'm going to see
Trudy again after all these years.

I'm excited for
you, too, Dorothy.

That's why I want
everything perfect.

I'm making Scandinavia's

oldest and most
traditional appetizer treat -

cheese and crackers.

Cheese and crackers, Rose?

Not eggs gafloofen?

Ham and gunterhoggins?

Pigs in a svenkabluden?

No, but you sure know how
to make a girl's mouth water.

(doorbell rings)

Oh, my God. That's her.

I sure hope time has
been good to Trudy.

Good, not great.

Oh, Trudy.

Dorothy. Oh... (both laugh)

It's been so long.

Boy, you look...

It's been so long.

I know, and you - you
look exactly the way you did

at our high-school graduation.

'Course, rumors were that you
were three months' pregnant.

I want you to meet
my husband Jack.

You didn't tell me you had
such a handsome husband.

Didn't tell you he
was rich, either.

That's my Trudy.

You haven't lost
your sense of humor.

Or those pesky ten pounds.

Mrs. Petrillo, is that you?

No, it's Jane Fonda.

Come on. Give us a hug.

Aw, Trudy, it's so
good to see you again.

Honey, meet my roommates
- Rose and Blanche.

It's a pleasure. Dorothy's
told us so much about you.

All good, I hope.

Well, actually... Sit!

Well, finally I get to meet
the infamous Dorothy.

Boy, has Trudy told me
stories about you two.

I'll bet she has. We had such a
great time back in high school.

Like the time you and Trudy ran
against each other for class treasurer?

You know, back in St. Olaf,

I ran for president of
the Bull Castration Club.

There is no sound in this
world sweeter than a bull's moo

as it climbs an octave.

Did you win?

No. Lost by a hair.

I admired you after
that loss, Dorothy.

You just picked up
the pieces and went on.

Just like you did after Stanley
ran off with that stewardess.

Boy, I envy you your gumption.

And I your breast implants.

This may not be my place,

but you two hardly
sound like old friends.

Blanche is right. We
should be more positive.

Dorothy, you look wonderful. Ah.

The left one turned out nice.

Dorothy! Oh, come on,
Rose. I'm just kidding.

They're both practically
the same size.

How about giving me
a hand in the kitchen?

Were they like that in
high school, Mrs. Petrillo?

Oh, no. Her breasts were
actually a lot smaller back then.

I meant, were they rivals?

What is this - Nova? I
don't have all the answers.

I'm afraid you'll have
to excuse Sophia, Jack.

Oh. You heard that?

I thought I was safe backed
up against these pillows.

Why don't we see what's
keeping Trudy and Dorothy?

Probably got caught
up reminiscing.

You know how it is when
old pals get together.

Excuse us.

Well, that's that.

How does it feel to
have your butt whipped?

Well, sometimes I find it
strangely titillating, but...

Oh! You were talking to her.

Trudy, how about if
tomorrow we play a real game?

Something that
requires real skill.

You mean like
midget ice bowling?

I'm talking about
tennis, you doofus.

Aren't you afraid of being
humiliated on the tennis court?

Me humiliated?

I think you forget, Trudy, we
have to wear tennis dresses.

You're on, you pathetic
middle-aged cow.

I am looking forward to it,
you miserable sack of cellulite.

Did I tell you that Larry
Prowse called the other day?

Really? Did he ever get
married? Three times.

Actually four, if
you count Victor.

Can you believe it?

Two women competing like that,

and there's not
even a man at stake.

In Sicily, women
compete for everything.

The most famous example is the
Great String-Cheese War of '47.

But why should I
bore you with that?

You all have college
credits. You took history.

Sophia, have you been
out in the hot sun too long?

It's a possibility. Is there
wax running out of my ears?

Boy, Trudy is beating
the dickens out of Dorothy.

Oh... I just have
to... catch my breath.

Are we gonna play, or do
you wanna forfeit? No way.

No, Dorothy Zbornak doesn't know
the meaning of the word "forfeit."

And she's a teacher, too.

No wonder the
Japanese are ahead of us.

I'm gonna kill you, Trudy.

Oh, do you really think
she can make a comeback?

I'm sure she can.

Dorothy's running
Trudy all over the court.

Oh, Trudy tripped.

And she's not getting up.
You think something's wrong?

I think she's fainted.

I hope it's not anything worse.

It is. I've seen that look
before. You don't think...?

There are two things in
this world a Sicilian knows.

When pasta sticks
to a wall, it's done.

When a body sticks
to cement, it's dead.

Why did it have to happen
this way? I feel like a murderer!

I will not hear any
more of that nonsense.

It was a freak occurrence
on a tennis court.

She's right, Dorothy.
You did nothing wrong.

Technically. I mean, nothing
that would hold up in a court of law.

But why Trudy?

She was the most energetic,
alive person I ever knew.

At the Center, Dorothy,
we teach acceptance.

In life, some things are inevitable,
and you just have to accept them.

She is right, Dorothy. I know
because I've been there myself.

You killed your best
friend, too, Blanche?

Sorry, Dorothy.

I remember I was
a blossoming belle

who had just won the Little
Miss Magnolia Pageant.

Blanche, before you start,

realize I am very vulnerable now

and in no mood to
hear a story about you

and some yahoo cracker
with four first names

pawing at each other
under a magnolia tree.

Well, pardon me, Dorothy, but...

we can't all come from places
as socially acceptable as Brooklyn.

I'm sorry, Blanche.
Go on with the story.

Just try to shy away from words
like "tarnation" and "catfish."


Anyway, I was
about eight years old

when I first met Cathy
Lee on the playground.

We became fast friends,

just as thick as Louisiana
blackstrap molasses

on a stake of johnnycakes
as high as an elephant's knee...

On a riverboat floating
down the Mississippi delta.

Finish the damn story, Blanche!

Anyway, it was at our
Southern seafood fry

that I proudly dragged Cathy
Lee over to meet my folks.

My mama took one
look at Cathy Lee

and forbad me ever
to see her again.


Because her mother was not in
the Daughters of the Confederacy.

Oh! How my heart went
out to little Cathy Lee,

standing there while our
servants snickered at her servants.

But Mama insisted I
break off the friendship,

or I wouldn't get brand-new
riding boots for Christmas.

So I did.

Blanche, why is this a
story about acceptance?

Because years later,
to get back at me,

Cathy Lee slept with my daddy.

That was something
I had to accept.

Mama accepted it, too.

Along with a brand-new
Cadillac Eldorado for her birthday.

You know, my family
had a few dollars,

and I loved them dearly,

but when you get right down
to it, basically, they were trash.

Don't worry, Dorothy. The
reunion'll get your mind off of it.

People should be coming
in a couple of hours.

The party. The
party! I totally forgot!

There is no way I
can face those people.

Honey, of course you can.
You were all friends of Trudy's.

You can console each
other. It'll help you to cope.

Maybe this is just what I need.

Aw, yeah. Good for you, Dorothy.

(sighs) Of course, breaking
the news will not be easy.

Want my advice? Wait a
couple of hours before you do.

Stuff like this can put a
real damper on happy hour.

And listen, Rose,
remember, mum's the word.

Dorothy will break the
bad news in due time. OK?

Excuse me. Has
anyone seen Dorothy?

She said hello and
then disappeared.

Is there a problem?

No! No problem at
all. Everything's fine.

It's not like anyone
died or anything.


It's so good to see everyone.

But where's Trudy? She
hasn't seen me in years.

I can't wait to see
the look on her face.

You could wait six
months, it wouldn't change.

It's been almost two hours.
We can't keep up this charade.

Somebody has got to get Dorothy
to come out and break the news.

But she's so fragile now. We have
to be tender and compassionate,

kindly and sympathetic and
caring and understanding...

Stop babbling, you
yutz. I'll do it, I'll do it.

Picture it - Sicily, 1852.

Ma, I am in no mood.

And besides, you
weren't alive in 1852.

What? We can't
learn from history?

It was mid-century

and a disillusioned Italy looked to
the house of Savoy for leadership.

Giuseppe Garibaldi, our courageous
leader, and not a bad dresser,

thought, "Let's regain
some national pride

and jump into this
Crimean War thing."

Of course, there was a big kickoff
party at Giuseppe's beach house,

and everyone came.

Coincidentally, this
was also the night

his wife Rosa hit
her sexual peak.

Ma, I am in here
because of guilt.

This is not a story about guilt.

This is a story about
being a bad hostess.

While Rosa had
Giuseppe in the bedroom

with his saber
around his ankles,

200 hungry guests

were strip-searching
mice for a piece of cheese.

Ma, so what's your point? That
Rosa and I throw bad parties?

That's my minor point.

My major point is that, like Rosa,
you're screwing around in the bedroom

when there are important
things to do outside.

I can't believe it.
That makes sense.

I mean, you went the
long way around but...

that actually makes sense.

Look, pussycat, your friends
deserve to know about Trudy.

And they'll understand,
because they are your friends.

Oh, Ma. Ma, thanks.

Well... here goes.


Everybody, can I have
your attention, please?


I know I've been a bit scarce
tonight, but there is a reason.

Something tragic
happened this morning.

Oh, Ma, I need your help.

Sure, sweetheart.

Trudy's dead.

Please, everybody.

It happened this morning
when we were playing tennis.

Trudy's heart just
couldn't take it.

I'm so sorry that I dragged
her out on the court

and made her run
back and forth so hard.

I wish it had been
me instead of her,

because it's all my fault.

We might as well
take down that banner

and put up one that says, "Welcome
to the Dorothy Killed Trudy Party"!

(doorbell rings)

Oh, darn. Someone's late.

Dorothy'll have to give
her speech all over again.

Hi, everybody! (gasps)


I don't believe
this. Is that you?

In the flesh.

Yeah, but I can't
believe you're really here!

I don't understand!
How did you...?

It was all staged, Rose. A patented
Trudy McMann practical joke.

(concerned murmurs)

Well, I don't find
that one bit funny.

It was cruel, Trudy.

Come on! It was just a practical
joke like we did in high school.

Some of the things
we did in high school

are not necessarily
appropriate when we're adults.

Like staying up all night
and carousing around,

dating every other man you meet.

I'm losing credibility
here, aren't I?

Trudy, you did a
very cruel thing.

(murmurs of agreement)

OK. OK. If I went
too far, I'm sorry.

Maybe you ought to apologize to
Dorothy. She's back in her bedroom.

Uh, Dorothy? Are you all right?

Go away.

Dorothy, honey, it's
Rose. We need to talk.

I said go away.

Leave it to me.

In a few minutes, I'll have
her beaming from ear to ear.

(gasps) (all gasp)

Oh, my God! Trudy!



How come you're alive?

How come you're in
bed with my husband?

I asked you first.

Honey, it's not
what it looks like.

Obviously. Dorothy thought I
was dead, tried to comfort you,

and the two of you
got carried away.

OK, it is what it looks like.

I can't believe this. I
was just playing a prank.

Do you have any idea how I feel?

What kind of person

jumps into bed with her
dearest friend's husband?

Not necessarily a bad person.
Sometimes circumstances...

Oh. You were talking about her.

I think I'm gonna faint.


Dorothy, what the
hell is going on here?


It suddenly occurred to me - what if
this was the ultimate practical joke?

So I dragged it out of Jack, and
the two of us cooked up this topper.

Jack, I can't believe
you went along with this.

So I got in bed with
Dorothy. It was a joke!

Don't even think it, Ma.

If you knew before,
why didn't you tell me?

Ma, you have a big mouth.

Me? If I had a big mouth,

do you think your one-night
stand with the bug man

would still be a secret?


Dorothy Zbornak, this
is the most underhanded,

sneaky practical joke
anyone has ever made,

and I have just
one thing to say.

Boy, have I missed you!

Oh, Trudy... Trudy!

I've missed you, too.

Wait just a minute.
You two are not mad?

Are you kidding? Our friendship
was built on years of this.

Trudy, you have made
this one hell of a reunion.

Speaking of which, there's
a party out there. Come on!

Well, Dorothy Zbornak, I cannot
believe you put Rose and me through this.


What are you talking about?

You knew Trudy was playing
a practical joke all along,

and you never shared
it with your best friends?

We thought you were devastated.

We suffered right
along with you. Yeah!

That was insensitive.

Selfish. Selfish!

As far as we are
concerned, Dorothy Zbornak,

you have gone too far this time.

No. This is unforgivable. We are
never gonna speak to you again.



Very, very convincing, Blanche.

I can't take all the credit. I did
have some help. Right, Rose?



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