The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 4, Episode 17 - You Gotta Have Hope - full transcript

Rose is convinced that Bob Hope is her real father and that he will perform as the Master of Ceremonies at an upcoming charity benefit.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true



♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

(♪ guitar strumming)

(high voice) ♪ Puff
the magic dragon

♪ Lived by the sea

♪ And frolicked
in the autumn mist

♪ In a land called Honah Lee

♪ Puff the... ♪
Thank you!



That was... very odd.

If I increase my steroids
by 100 milligrams,

I can sing just like
Barbara Mandrell.

Would that get me
on the show? No.

But if you're ever in prison, I
bet it'd get you everyone's dessert.

Oh, this is terrible.

The Ladies Auxiliary puts me
in charge of the variety show,

and we can't come
up with one decent act.

It's too bad we're
not back in St. Olaf.

Why? They have a lot
of talent back in St. Olaf?

No. It's lunchtime there.

I could really go for
a smoked kipper hero.

All right, who's
auditioning next?

I'm next.

Ma! What the hell
are you doing here?

I gnawed through my leather
restraints and outran the new guard dog.

I'm here for the audition.

Forget it. You force your
way into the show every year,

and every year,
it's a total disaster.

You can't sing, you can't
dance, you can't tell jokes.

I'm sorry, you
can't be in the show.

"You can't be in the show.
You can't be in the show."

Who are ya - Ricky Ricardo?

For your information, I'm not
here to audition. Why are you here?

I realized I had no talent,

so I decided to become an agent.

Why Ryan O'Neal hasn't come to the
same conclusion, I'll never understand.

Anyway, I'm proud to announce

I'm the exclusive
worldwide representative

of the Donatello Triplets!

Hit it, my magnificent
little songbirds.

♪ I don't wanna take it anymore

♪ I'll just stay here
locked behind the door

♪ Just no time to
stop and get away

♪ 'Cause I work so
hard to make it every day

♪ Ooh-ooh ♪ Ooh-ooh
♪ And it's hard to say

♪ Just how some
things never change

♪ And it's hard to find

♪ Any strength to draw the line

♪ Oh, I'm just burning,
doing the neutron dance

♪ Oh, I'm just burning,
doing the neutron dance ♪

What do you think?
They're adorable!

Love 'em! They're
perfect for the show.

Take five. Go wait in the van.

It's not professional to have
them here while I'm negotiating.

Negotiating? Sophia,
this show is for charity.

The word "charity" is not in
a good agent's vocabulary.

Ma, thank you very
much for your time,

but there are plenty of
other talented people here

willing to do the show
for free. Who's next?

The Sklarkievich Brothers.

(Slavic accent) Hello. I
am Misha Sklarkievich.

My brother Andrzej
is still in Poland.

Why don't you show
us what you can do?

Is better with my brother.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Is better with my brother.

If you change your minds,
you know where to find me.

Dorothy, I have terrible news.

We don't have an
MC for the talent show.

Kent Ferguson, the KTMB
weatherman, has just dropped out.

You have to be
kidding. What happened?

He's filling in for Willard
Scott on the Today show.

It seems Willard ate some
bad scallops on the air

that he got through the mail.

He wandered over
to the critics' corner

and lost his cookies
on Gene Shalit.

Gene thought it was
because Willard disagreed

with his review of
The Accidental Tourist.

Willard apologized
and left the studio.

Officially, they're saying
he's "on assignment."

Well, at least some
good came of it.

It's about time someone
threw up on Gene Shalit.

Oh, volunteering to
organize this variety show

is the worst idea
we have ever had.

We've hardly sold any
tickets, we can't find an MC

and every act that
we have auditioned

is awful.

Dorothy, I've got some good
news. I've had a change of heart.

I'll let the triplets be
in your show for free.

Why, Sophia, that's w... You don't
know how much good this does us.

Wait just a minute. What's the
catch? That is so typical of you.

Why do you automatically assume

because I'm trying to do
something nice there's a catch?

So there isn't a
catch. I didn't say that.

It just ticks me off that you
automatically assume there's one.

Ma, what is it you want?

For the moment, only for
you to feast your eyes on...

the Great Alfonso!

The Great Alfonso!

Seymour.

Hello, I'm the Great...

I'm the Great... Alfonso.

What?

Pull the damn
rabbit out of your hat!

Oh, right. Right.

Abracadabra, hocus-picus...

Pocus. My God,
where's the damn rabbit?

I left it in the other hat.

Sophia, he's terrible.

No, he's not. He's terrific.

Oh, you mean the
act? We'll work on that.

So that's it.

You're willing to give
us the Donatello Triplets

if we put your new
boyfriend in the show.

That's blackmail.

That's show business.

Hi, girls. How's
everything going? Awful.

Kent Ferguson canceled. We
don't have an MC for the talent show.

We don't even have any
talent for the talent show.

The whole thing's
gonna be a disaster.

I'll be the laughingstock
of the Ladies Auxiliary.

Oh, honey...

Would it help if I got
Bob Hope to be our MC?

How are you going
to get Bob Hope?

Easy. He's my father.

Rose, have you been
forgetting to wash the fruit

before you eat it?

I'm serious. Bob
Hope is my father.

Well, sort of. I mean,
he could be, maybe.

Rose, what the hell
are you talking about?

There's something
I've never told you girls.

I spent the first
eight years of my life

at the St. Olaf orphanage.

Gunther and Alma Nylund
are my adoptive parents.

How come you never
told us about this before?

I loved my parents so much,
I really never think about it.

But I sure did before I
became their daughter.

When I was at the orphanage,
I used to daydream all the time

that my real parents
would knock on the door

and take me away.

So, like most of the kids there,

I started fantasizing
about who they might be.

I had a particularly clear
picture in my head of my father.

Anyway, one day, they
took us all to the movies,

and when Bob Hope
came on the screen,

I stood up and yelled,
"My God, that's my father!

That's him!"

Rose, honey, you... don't
still actually believe that?

Believing that got me through
some very rough times, Blanche.

I mean, whenever I had
a problem I couldn't solve,

I'd just write Bob Hope a
letter or go to one of his movies,

and suddenly I was
able to work it all out.

All my life, I always felt he
was there if I needed him.

That's why I know he
won't let me down now.

I don't know whether
to cry or commit you.

You just leave it to me. I
know in my heart he'll be here.

Rose, just so I
get this straight,

you never actually met Bob Hope?

No. But I'm sure
looking forward to it.

(sobbing)

And now I'd like to thank all
those bake-sale participants

who raised money for the
religious cult deprogramming center.

I'm happy to report

that Doris Levy's son Marshall
is now back in law school.

Now it's time for an
update on our biggest

and most important charity
fund-raiser of the year -

the annual hospital
variety show benefit.

I'd like to call on our chairman
Dorothy Zbornak for an update.

Dorothy?

Well, I'm... (clears throat)

I'm very happy to report that,
uh, this year's variety show

is really coming along.

The first thing I'd
like to discuss -

Yes, Frieda?

I heard that ticket sales
are not going very well,

I heard you have not been
able to find any good talent

and I heard that Kent
Ferguson has canceled

and we don't have
an MC for the show.

I heard you've been sleeping
with the Japanese guy

who blows the leaves
out of your driveway!

It so happens Dorothy
is doing a terrific job.

Matter of fact, she's in
the middle of negotiations

with some very big-name
celebrities to be our MC.

Like who?

Well, like... Great news!

We've got Bob Hope for our MC!

Nice work, Dorothy.
Meeting adjourned.

(Blanche) Goodbye, ladies.
(Dorothy) See you soon.

Take care. Bye-bye.

Rose, how did you get Bob Hope?

Well, I called his office.

I have to talk to
you. Not now, Ma.

What did he say? I didn't
talk directly to Bob Hope.

Alfonso has a new
trick. Give him your keys.

Who did you talk
to, his agent? No.

This is one of those mental tricks
you're gonna love. Who did you talk to?

A very nice receptionist at NBC.

I am focusing all me
powers on this metal object.

That's idiotic!

No, be patient. It's
a very good trick.

You're basing this whole thing

on a conversation you had

with a telephone
operator at NBC?

We're going to have to go and tell
everyone it was all a big mistake.

Voilà! Oh, will you...

I thought you'd
be... Just go. Go.

All my keys are bent.

Don't just stand there.
Applaud the man.

How'd it go, Dorothy? Awful.

When I told everyone at the club

that Bob Hope wasn't
going to be in the show,

they actually booed me.

Ohh. I've never been so
humiliated in my entire life.

Aw, come on. You've
been humiliated plenty.

Remember when you tried out
for cheerleading in high school?

Ma, why do you
constantly look for ways

to amuse yourself at my expense?

Because we don't have
cable, and I can't crochet.

This is who I am, Dorothy.

Learn to live with
it or medicate me.

I still can't believe

that Rose caused
all this trouble.

Unbelievable.

This whole fantasy
about Bob Hope is sick.

Sick.

If she's gonna have fantasies,

they ought to be the
normal, healthy kind -

like sweaty Argentinean
cowboys whipping things

while they ride naked on
the back of Brahma bulls.

I have to remember to
stop using your towels.

This Rose/Bob Hope
thing reminds me

of a similar situation
back in my village.

Florence Pontevecchio
used to fantasize

that Alberto Bolognese
was her brother.

Who was Alberto Bolognese? He
was the boot maker in the village.

What's so special about that?

Did I say it was special?
I said it was similar.

I'm having a cup
of tea, talking.

The two of you have
a look on your face

like you paid for Phantom
of the Opera tickets.

Excuse me for not being
Somerset Maugham.

Better I should say
nothing from now on

and sit here like a pincushion!

Hi, girls. Did Bob Hope call?

Rose, will you
stop being an idiot?

Bob Hope is not gonna call,

and he is not gonna MC our show.

Why, what do you mean? I
said he'd be here, and he will.

Rose, Rose, this is not
Miracle on 34th Street.

You are a grown woman
holding on to childhood fantasies.

Bob Hope is not your father.

He has no idea who you are,

and he's not about to come
anywhere near this place.

That's not true.
He's here in Miami.

It's right in today's paper.

She's right - he is in a
golf tournament here.

Apology accepted.

Rose, what the hell
are you talking about?

That doesn't mean he's
gonna be in our show.

Don't you see, Dorothy?

He's here in Miami because
he knows I need him.

This is all working
out. I can feel it.

Dorothy, I think I
might have a way

to get Mr. Hope to be
in our show after all.

Why don't we go to
the golf tournament,

find Mr. Hope and
explain our situation?

He's always doing
charity events.

I guess it's worth a shot. Yeah.

You don't have to go
through all that trouble.

He'll be at the show.
What you need is faith.

And what you need is a
psychiatrist who enjoys a challenge.

Excuse me, you guys got
any extra shaving cream?

Sure.

Oh, this is so weird.

I've never been in a
men's locker room before.

Neither have I. I really
like the new carpet they...

Me neither.

This is ridiculous. This
is never gonna work.

Listen, the caddy said Mr. Hope
just finished his round of golf.

He's gotta be in here
somewhere. What if he is?

He's not about to do
a favor for three people

who look like Sam Snead
with a hormone problem.

Look, you two stay here.

I'm gonna check out the
rest of the locker room.

I'll start with the Jacuzzi. You
don't know where the Jacuzzi is.

Yeah, it's just down
the hall, second door...

I'll ask somebody.

This has been a nightmare.

Oh, don't worry, Dorothy.
It's all gonna work out.

Because Bob Hope...
Bob Hope won't let us down.

Right.

Rose, Rose, I have known
you for over five years.

In that time, I have heard
the most bizarre stories

I have ever heard
in my entire life.

There was Clovis
the two-headed mule

who skied backwards
on buttermilk.

It was cottage cheese.

The point is, Rose, this
Bob Hope story is odd,

even for you.

Bob Hope's gone. We
just missed him. Oh, what?

I saw him getting into a
limousine and driving away.

They said he's going to
the airport. That can't be.

The show is tomorrow tonight.

He wouldn't leave before that.
He knows I'm depending on him.

There must be some
other explanation. Maybe...

Maybe I'm just a
foolish old woman

who's lived a silly
fantasy her whole life.

Oh... Honey.

Now... now, honey. Oh, honey.

All right, that's it.

We gotta get that antique dealer
off the membership committee.

♪ And what he knows
you ain't got time to learn

♪ These boots
are made for walkin'

♪ And that's
just what they'll do

♪ One of these days these
boots are gonna walk all over you ♪

(applause)

The Donatello Triplets,
ladies and gentlemen.

I'll bet those boots have
more miles on them than -

Uh...

"Joan Collins' waterbed."

(muted laughter)

Her waterbed.

And now I have a
real treat for you -

straight from Poland,
the Sklarkievich Brothers!

(applause)

Where's your brother?
Oh, do the best you can.

Hey!

Hey!

So? Do we go on next?

Ma, I can't let him.

Hey, I let you have
the Donatello Triplets.

A deal is a deal.

Sophia, Alfonso will
only embarrass himself.

Please. If he was worried
about being embarrassed,

he wouldn't walk around
with that much hair in his ears.

Besides, he called his
old vaudeville partner,

and they've perfected
one of their old tricks.

(thud/booing)

I know, I know.

It's better with your brother.

Well, it can't get any
worse. Alfonso, you're on.

Well, it looks like I'm
in the show after all.

Girls, something
terrible has happened.

Gee, and everything was
going so well up until now.

Look at these programs. Bob
Hope's name is still on 'em.

Who's in charge of the programs?

I forgot. I guess I figured
he was gonna come.

We have to make an announcement
and refund everybody's money.

And I guess now is
as good a time as any.

Well, this is all my
fault. Let me do it.

Oh...

And now my beautiful assistant
will step into the magic box.

Alfonso, I need to
make an announcement.

Yes, well, take your time.
I forgot the magic words.

Ladies and gentlemen,
my name is Rose Nylund,

and I'm responsible for
what's happened here tonight.

Uh... Because of a
silly childish dream,

I let you all down.

I had this crazy idea that
I had a special connection

to a very special person,

and that's why on
all your programs

it says that the guest
celebrity for tonight's show is...

Presto!

Bob Hope!

(cheering and applause)

Hey, I know this
show is for charity,

but that's the smallest dressing
room I've ever had in my life.

Oh, my God, you're
really Mr. Bob Hope.

Being this close to you is
the biggest thrill of my life.

If you were any closer, there
wouldn't be room for my car keys.

Mr. Hope, could
we impose upon you

to entertain for a few minutes?

Will I entertain?

I didn't put this makeup
on to go bowling.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Bob Hope!

(cheers and applause)
Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Did you hear...

Did you hear that Ronald Reagan
has just moved back to Hollywood?

Just what Hollywood needs
- another unemployed actor.

(laughter)

Do you know Reagan left office

with the highest
popularity rating since FDR.

He was more popular than Tammy
Bakker at a Maybelline convention.

(laughter)

I can't believe it. How
on earth did he get here?

You know how Alfonso kept talking
about his old vaudeville partner?

It turns out it was Bob
Hope. Isn't that a kick?

Since Ron and Nancy
moved back to California,

we've had earthquakes
almost every day.

Do you think God
could be a Democrat?

(laughter and applause)

But earthquakes don't
bother the president.

If Sam Donaldson couldn't
shake him up, nothin' will.

(laughter)

Oh, Rose, I think we owe
you an apology, honey.

You were right after all.

You don't owe me any apology.

This was a lucky coincidence.

I'm just glad it all worked out.

Boy, but I have
learned one lesson -

no more silly daydreams for me.

Now, Nancy Reagan
has mixed feelings

about moving back to California.

She's afraid her husband might not have as
much free time to spend with her anymore.

(laughter)

Thanks, Dad.

(applause)