The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 4, Episode 12 - Blind Date - full transcript

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

Hi, Ma. Boy, am I steamed!

They took Pat Sajak
off Wheel of Fortune.



Well, that's because he has
his own late-night talk show now.

Oh, yeah, right.

The man spins a big
wooden wheel for eight years,

suddenly he's discussing
détente with Henry Kissinger.

What else happened lately? Mike
Tyson hosting Masterpiece Theatre?

Ma, why are you so cranky today?

I'm not cranky. I'm gassy.

I had one of those Weight
Watchers broccoli au gratins for lunch.

Boy, that stuff's murder.

I'm surprised Lynn Redgrave
has a friend in the world.

Hi, Rose. Hey, how
was football practice?

Terrible. It's the laziest
team I've ever seen in my life.

They didn't bust their tackles,
didn't crack their blocks.

They played like
a bunch of babies.



Coach, you dropped
your whistle. Oh.

Thanks, Billy, that
was very nice of you.

Now you two boys run
along home. OK. Bye.

Billy? Yes?

I said run! Move it, you little
pantywaist! On the double!

Rose! Rose, take it easy.

You're pushing them too
hard. Honey, they're only kids.

You're right. I've just been
under so much pressure.

I never would have volunteered if
I'd known the work that was involved.

I need help. Mostly
with your lipstick.

Emmett Kelly applied
makeup with more finesse.

Boy, she's really cranky.

And you don't want to know why.

Dorothy, I just
had a great idea.

Why don't you
become my assistant?

Oh, Rose, forget it. Forget it.

I don't want to get
involved in sports with you.

No, Rose, you're
too competitive.

You just take all the fun out of
it. Not anymore, Dorothy, really.

Believe me, all I care about

is that these kids
have a really good time.

Well, all right.

I mean, if you really mean
it, you can count me in.

Oh, great.

Oh, with your help,
Dorothy, we'll kick their butts.

We'll chew 'em
up and spit 'em out.

We'll make 'em
eat dirt for breakfast.

Because breakfast is
the most important meal

of the day.

Hi, girls. How's it going? How
was practice, Rose? The boys OK?

No time to chat now.
I'll see y'all later. Bye.

Blanche, you're meeting
him again, aren't you?

Who, Dorothy? Who?
Who else? Tom Gallagher.

Blanche, you're
too good for him.

I will never understand what it is
you have against Tom Gallagher.

He is a shallow insensitive snob

who stands you up constantly.

Dorothy, there happens
to be another side

to Tom Gallagher that
most people don't see.

What is it? I don't know.
I'm one of those people.

But as long as he doesn't give
me a dirty look when I order lobster,

I don't care.

Blanche... Oh, all right, all
right, maybe he's not perfect,

but I happen to be in a
little dating slump right now.

I'm just happier having
a man who isn't perfect

than looking around
for one who is.

That's what Bush told everyone

when he was choosing
a vice president.

Hey, Blanche. I didn't
see you. Uh, listen...

Ernie, could you freshen
my drink? Oh, sure. Look...

Put some extra ice cubes
in it this time. OK, Blanche...

I don't know why you're always
so stingy with your ice cubes.

They are free, aren't
they? Blanche...

Ernie, you notice how
I keep interrupting you?

It's because I don't want to
hear what you're gonna tell me.

He called and canceled
again, didn't he?

Sorry, Blanche. He told me
to buy you anything you liked.

Oh, really? Well, then,
get out your phone book

and open it to the
jewelry section.

It's no fun being
stood up, is it?

Listen, mister, if you're
looking for a quick score

because you think I'm down,
then you can just think again.

As a matter of fact, I was
looking for a little sympathy.

Got stood up myself
tonight. Really?

Cross my heart.
What's left of it.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm
just so darn angry.

My name's Blanche.

John. John Quinn. How do you do?

I don't know about you, but I
sure feel too old to be stood up.

You're not the only one. This is the
fourth time that man has canceled.

He found somebody
better, that's all. Oh, Blanche.

Yes, he did. Somebody younger
and prettier. Blanche, it can't be.

Well, maybe you're right.

Somebody younger and as pretty.

I think tonight may be the
night I finally learned my lesson.

No more dates for a long time.

You mean that? I do.

Well, all right, then. I'm
with you. No more dates.

Here's looking at you. Cheers.

Oh, I'm sorry... I'm
so sorry. Did I get you?

No, no, I'm fine. But
here, let me help you.

Thanks. This is embarrassing.

I gotta be the clumsiest
guy on earth. No.

You don't happen to know a good
dry cleaner, do you? Oh, only the best.

You know Andre's on Elm? Sure.

Well, Andre takes his
clothes to this place.

I'll write it down for you.

Thanks. I'm glad it was
red wine and not white.

Why? White's easier to get out.

I know, but I spilled red
meat on this jacket at lunch,

and I wouldn't want your dry
cleaner to think I was gauche.

Here you go. Oh, thanks.

I think I'll run along now.

Nice meeting you,
Mr. John Quinn.

Thank you. Same here,
Blanche, uh... Devereaux.

Good night. Good night.

Blanche? Yes?

I know you're gonna think
I'm a hypocrite for this,

but is there any way I
could call you for dinner?

Only one way I
can think of. What?

By looking at that
napkin. My number's on it.

Good night.

Can I get something
else for you, John?

No, I think I'll call
it a night, Ernie.

OK.

Take care.

Thanks, Ernie.

Tommy Turner. 71.

Don't miss any meals, Turner.

If you're less than
70, you can't play.

Uh, Freddy Leone.

92.

Hey, Leone, try to remember

lasagna was not meant
to go in a sandwich.

Uh, last but not
least, Billy Haskell.

72. (all cheer)

Wait a minute, wait, wait, wait.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

How much does he weigh now, Ma?

68.

(boys) Aww.

Sorry, Coach Rose. I tried.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Well, you said to take
the book... And study.

Study, study, study, study.

No game Saturday,
Billy. I'm sorry.

Everybody, I'll see you
at practice tomorrow.

Thanks a lot, Rose.

You just taught a bunch
of eight-year-old boys

that it's more important to
win than to play by the rules.

Big deal! Two pounds?
He's our best player.

If Billy doesn't play,
the team can't win.

Rose, rules were made
for people like Billy.

Little bodies don't like it
when big bodies fall on them.

Which is why Raymond
Burr never married.

Girls, quick. I
need some advice.

Wear half as much makeup
and twice as much underwear.

Take it as a standing
recommendation.

Sophia, I need advice
on these earrings.

Are they dressy enough
for a really nice dinner?

Oh, Blanche, don't tell me you're
seeing Tom Gallagher again.

No, I am not. I'm seeing that man I told
you about I met in the bar - John Quinn.

Just got off the phone with him.
He asked you out for tonight?

Yes! I know it's a little quick,

but when Blanche
Devereaux wants a man,

she does not stand on ceremony.

Or the floor.

You seem pretty
excited about this date.

Something tells me this
man is just about perfect.

John is everything Tom wasn't.

He's smart, mature,
responsible. (doorbell rings)

And on time.

Would you girls
keep him entertained?

I want to make sure I look
perfect before he sees me.

Hello. Hi, I'm John Quinn.

Hi, I'm Rose,
Blanche's roommate.

Hi, Rose. Won't you come in?

Could you, uh, give me a hand?

Well, sure.

That's, uh... That's
OK. I'll use this.

Uh, come in. Thank you.

Oh, how do you do,
John? I'm Dorothy.

I'm Blanche's other
roommate. Hello, Dorothy.

And I'm her gorgeous
22-year-old cousin.

Hey, how many chances do I get?

Hello, John. Well, how
do I look? Blanche...

Am I just the most
adorable thing you ever saw?

Blanche... Are you
blinded by my beauty?

Blanche!

Oh, my God.

Want a glass of water
to wash down your foot?

Blanche, was there something

you didn't realize
the other night?

Oh, you mean about you
being blind, you mean?

Oh, goodness, no, of course
I knew that. I'm not blind.

Not that there's
anything wrong in that.

C-C-Course, there's nothing
so good about it, either.

Could we just go? Great.

What restaurant
are we headed to?

Harvey's at the
shore. Do you know it?

No, I don't. Oh, you'll love
it. It has a gorgeous view.

In this formation you're lined up in a
wishbone with the U-back in motion.

Any questions so far?

I've got a question, Coach Rose.

Am I an X or an O?

You're an O, Freddy.

The other team are the
X's, and you're all O's.

It's easy to remember.

It's the number of points
you scored this season.

Now, the tight end decoys, so it
looks like we're running a draw play,

then he slips into a soft spot
in the zone over the middle,

the flanker fakes a screen then
runs a reverse behind the halfback,

which gives the
quarterback two options...

For God's sake, Rose, Eisenhower
used less chalk planning D-day.

OK. Well, then, let's just talk about a
few things that happened in the last game.

Nobody blocked this X.

Billy could have blocked him.

Well, maybe Billy could
have, but Billy couldn't play,

and we all know why.

I don't want to mention
any names. Follow my eyes.

OK, that's it for
practice today.

Everybody get a
good night's sleep.

Coach Dorothy, can Billy and I get
weighed together and we divide it?

Oh, I'm sorry. Nice try.

You're beginning to think
like a fourth-grader already.

I told you it wouldn't work.

Happy, Dorothy?

Thanks to you, we don't stand
a chance in tomorrow's game

without our star player.

Rose, listen, I am
getting sick and tired

of being made
out to be a villain

simply because I
play by the rules.

Relax. It'll all be
over tomorrow.

If I make it that far.

I think I caught something
practicing out in the rain.

So did I. Gee, I hope
none of the boys caught it.

Don't worry about it.

Those boys can't catch
anything. I've seen them practice.

Hi, girls.

Oh, hi. How did your
date with John go?

Oh, perfect. Dinner
and the symphony.

You must be really serious. You've
seen him every night this week.

You're a lucky woman, Blanche.

Your guy John is just the type

I always figured was
perfect for my Dorothy.

Oh, he sure is.

He's smart, he's sophisticated.

I was talking blind.

(phone rings)

I'll get it.

Hello.

Well, hello there.
How have you been?

Yes, as a matter of
fact, I am free tonight.

Well, I would just
love to meet for drinks.

Seven is perfect. Bye.

Blanche, don't tell me that you
were talking to Tom Gallagher.

And what if I was?

You have plans
with John tonight.

Then obviously I'll
just have to cancel.

Blanche, I can't believe this!

You two don't really expect me to
limit myself to one man, now, do you?

Well, when it's one
terrific man, yes.

I guess you two don't
know me very well.

Blanche, this is the best
relationship you've been in

in the last five years.

Why do you want to ruin it?

Because it's never
gonna work. Why?

Because the man is blind.

Now, would the two of you please
keep your noses out of my business?

Blanche, you know something?

When it comes to other people,
you're the one who's blind!

Here we go, Dorothy.

Two bowls of Sophia's
homemade remedy.

Oh, Rose, this isn't gonna
work. We have the flu.

Well, we have to
at least give it a try.

Today's the big game. We
can't let those kids down.

Ugh, what is in this?

Red peppers, oregano,
garlic, chicken fat and lard.

Sophia swears it works
every time. Now eat up.

Oh, this is disgusting.

What's disgusting?
Your cure for the flu.

Hey, that remedy's been
in our family for generations.

And it always works? Always.

Of course, I never saw
anyone eat it before.

Usually, you just throw
a glop on the vaporizer.

Oh, Rose, this is
- this is hopeless.

We're never gonna feel well
enough to coach that game today.

Oh, I guess we'll
have to forfeit.

But it's gonna break
those kids' hearts.

Forfeit? You mean quit?

You can't do that, Rose. No
member of my family ever quits.

Sophia, I'm not a
member of your family.

Pretend, Rose. I'm
going for a moment here.

You never saw a
Frank Capra film?

I'm taking over.
(doorbell rings)

Wish me luck.

Ma, you don't know
anything about football.

Please. What's to know?

You hit a guy, you grab the
pigskin, you run like crazy.

It's like shopping in Sicily.

Hi, Sophia. Let's roll,
Freddy. We got a game to win.

That was really a sweet
thing for Sophia to do.

I know.

But if she loses, I'll punch
her stinking heart out.

Oh, good, I'm so
glad you girls are here.

Listen, I acted so stupid
last night. I apologize.

I need to talk. Why, Blanche?

No matter what we say, you're gonna
end up doing exactly what you want.

We told you last night you
were pushing away a terrific guy,

and you did, didn't you?

Yes, but you don't understand
why I pushed John away.

You told us. Because he's blind.

Yes, because he's blind.

But you don't know what it
meant, dating a blind man.

John took away the one thing I'd
always felt secure about - my looks.

How do I always attract men?

By being pretty, by acting
sexy, showing a little leg.

With John, those
things don't work.

I spent half the time I
was with him thinking,

"What in the world does
this man like about me?"

So you went back to Tom
because you know what he likes.

Yes, but the whole time I
was with him I was miserable,

'cause I wanted to be with John.

Well, then tell
all this to John.

I guess that is my only choice.

Yes, I'm gonna
look him up tonight

and I'm gonna patch things up.

Oh, thank you.

I'm so glad we're friends again.

Oh, honey, of course we are.

And by the way, I have never
asked you what it is y'all have.

Oh, we're not sure.

All we know is it
makes your skin blotchy,

and your eyes puffy
and your cheeks swollen.

And you get heart palpitations.

Good thing for
those palpitations,

otherwise you might never
have known you even had it.

OK, here's the game plan.

We keep it on the ground.

Then, when they're
used to it on the ground,

we attack them through the air.

I've used the same formula for 60
years of lovemaking. Trust me - it works.

OK, everybody, hit the field.

(boys) Yeah!

You're upset 'cause
you can't play, aren't you?

Still could, if you let me.

Aren't you still 2
pounds below the limit?

Yeah. Boy, I hate being small.

Hey, being small isn't all bad.

Take it from someone who knows.

You mean you? You see
Billy Barty sitting here?

There are big
advantages to being small.

One, you never
outgrow your clothes.

Two, you seldom bump your head.

Three, the world
thinks you're cute.

You think Danny
DeVito got to be famous

with his good looks?

There's nothing wrong
with being small, kid,

but it is wrong to cheat.

If you learn in life to follow
the rules and play fair,

you'll be heads above the crowd.

You know, Sophia,

all of a sudden I
feel so much better.

I had a feeling at your age
a good cliché would work.

Now eat this. What is it?

That's a meatball
and pepper sandwich.

If that doesn't put the
weight on you, nothing will.

OK, get suited up. All right!

Well, don't just stand there.

What?

It's your perfume, Blanche.
It gives you away every time.

Oh, goodness. For a blind
man, you're certainly observant.

Have a seat. Thank you.

Your secretary told me you were meeting
somebody here, so I won't keep you.

I just thought we ought to talk.

Blanche, if you've come to
apologize for last night, I understand.

Well, I'm-I'm not
sure you do, John.

I like you very much.

Problem is, I just don't know
what it is you like about me.

See, I'm used to men
liking me for my looks -

at least partly - and you don't.

(laughs) I sure don't.

As a matter of fact, I'm glad
I never have to look at you.

What?

That's right. You see,
when I like somebody,

I get to make up what
they look like for myself,

and when I like
somebody... a lot,

I make up a pretty nice picture.

Would it be rude of me to ask just
what that picture is you have of me?

Oh, well...

You make me laugh, so
you got a terrific smile. Yes.

You're smart and thoughtful,
so you've got beautiful eyes.

Yes.

And you're a music lover,
so you've got a big behind.

Ye-

No.

Just wanted to see if
you were paying attention.

I think you're just terrific.

I feel awful stupid
about last night.

Don't, Blanche. I
know it's not easy.

I'd love it if we could make
plans for next week. My treat.

How about if I call
you Monday? Great.

John? Elaine, hello.

Hi. Blanche, this is Elaine.

Well, hello, Elaine.
I was just leaving.

John, you and Elaine
have a good time tonight.

Oh, and just so you'll know,

it looks like Elaine here is an
even bigger music lover than I am.

(door opens)

Oh.

Blanche, hi. Did everything
work out with John?

Oh, yes. We're getting
together next week.

I thought you two
would be in bed.

We just got out.

Ugh, feels like we spent
the whole day in bed.

You say that like
it's a bad thing.

Make way for the victors.
You won the big game?

No, Rose, we lost, and we all
changed our names to Victor.

Of course we won. Now
it's time for ice cream.

(all) Yeah!

Good going, guys!

Ma, wait a minute,
wait a minute. Ma.

Did you let Billy
play? Billy? Billy...

Little boy, brown hair.
She knows who he is.

Uh, he played a little.
Ma, that was illegal.

Was. I gave him a sandwich
so he'd make weight.

Unfortunately, on the first
play it gave him a cramp,

and he had to sit out,
but they won it without him.

I knew they could, because of
all the discipline I taught them.

Baloney. It's because of the
team spirit that I taught them.

You're both wrong.

It was the "Statue of
Mussolini" play I taught theme.

What's that?

Everybody piles on
the star quarterback

on the first play,

and then he's out for
the rest of the game.

Ma, Ma, that is a mean,
underhanded, despicable thing to do.

So was World War II.

We're talkin' about Mussolini.