The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 3, Episode 8 - Brotherly Love - full transcript
Dorothy goes out on a date with Stan's brother Ted.
♪ THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND ♪
♪ TRAVELED DOWN THE
ROAD AND BACK AGAIN ♪
♪ YOUR HEART IS TRUE ♪
♪ YOU'RE A PAL AND A CONFIDANT ♪
♪ AND IF YOU THREW A PARTY ♪
♪ INVITED EVERYONE YOU KNEW ♪
♪ YOU WOULD SEE ♪
♪ THE BIGGEST GIFT
WOULD BE FROM ME ♪
♪ AND THE CARD
ATTACHED WOULD SAY ♪
♪ THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND ♪
HI, BLANCHE.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
YOU KNOW THAT
ATTORNEY I'VE BEEN DATING?
I CAUGHT HIM HANDLING
MELONS AT THE A&P.
AND I TAKE IT THEY
WEREN'T YOURS?
YOU MISSED MY POINT, DOROTHY.
HE TOLD ME HE WAS A LAWYER.
TURNS OUT HE'S A FRUIT WAXER.
WHY DO MEN HAVE TO
PUT UP FALSE PRETENSES?
THIS FROM A WOMAN WHO WEARS
MORE PADDING ON HER CHEST
THAN JOHNNY BENCH.
GOOD MORNING. I CAN'T TAKE
TIME FOR BREAKFAST, I'M LATE.
[CHUCKLING] ROSE,
AREN'T YOU FORGETTING SOMETHING?
OH.
SORRY, MAMA.
ROSE, IT'S ME DOROTHY.
OH.
DID YOU NOT SLEEP
AGAIN LAST NIGHT?
NO, AND IT'S BEEN
THREE NIGHTS IN A ROW.
HAVE YOU TRIED DRINKING
WARM MILK BEFORE GOING TO BED?
NO, I CAN'T DRINK WARM MILK.
IT REMINDS ME OF THE
TIME COUSIN ENOCH
FELL INTO THE VAT
OF MILK AT THE DAIRY.
GOODNESS. WAS HE HURT?
OH, NO.
IN FACT, IT BEGAN
THE ANNUAL TRADITION
OF THE ST. OLAF MILK
DIVING TOURNAMENT.
I WON THREE TIMES IN
THE LOW FAT DIVISION.
EVENTUALLY THEY
DISCONTINUED THE EVENT
WHEN SEVERAL SPECTATORS
WERE CAUGHT DIPPING
THEIR OREO COOKIES IN
THEIR WINTER SWIM TRUNKS.
[DOORBELL]
[ALL] I'LL GET IT.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST
TAKE A SLEEPING PILL?
I DON'T LIKE TO TAKE PILLS.
I GET SLAP HAPPY
AND SAY SILLY THINGS.
WELL, WE CERTAINLY
WOULDN'T WANT THAT TO HAPPEN.
- HI, IT'S ME STAN.
- WHAT DO YOU WANT?
I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR DOROTHY.
WHAT? NOW THAT YOU'RE OFF
THE BLOOD PRESSURE MEDICINE
IT'S WORKING AGAIN?
MY GOD, SOPHIA.
IS THERE ANYTHING
DOROTHY DIDN'T
TELL YOU ABOUT US?
ACTUALLY, YES. I DIDN'T
KNOW SHE WAS PREGNANT
UNTIL FOUR DAYS
AFTER THE WEDDING.
HI, SOPHIA. REMEMBER
ME, STAN'S BROTHER TED?
I DANCED WITH YOU
AT THEIR WEDDING.
WHERE WERE YOU
WHEN THEY DIVORCED?
I WAS LOOKING FOR
SOMEONE TO DANCE WITH THEN.
TED, WHAT A SURPRISE!
IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
- WHAT ABOUT ME, BABE?
- GO HUG A LANDMINE.
BLANCHE, ROSE, THIS IS
MY LITTLE BROTHER TED.
CHARMED I'M SURE.
OH, THERE'S MY NEW VANITY FAIR.
HE JUST FLEW IN
FROM MINNEAPOLIS.
MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA?
NO, ROSE, MINNEAPOLIS, FRANCE.
- OH, I'M FROM MINNESOTA.
- I'M FROM MINNESOTA, TOO.
THEN YOU JUST MOVED TO FRANCE?
WELCOME TO MY LIFE.
IT'S NICE MEETING YOU, TED,
BUT I HAVE TO GO TO WORK.
WHAT DO YOU DO?
SHE'S GARY HART'S
CAMPAIGN MANAGER.
IT DOESN'T PAY MUCH
BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO
GET OUT OF BED TO DO IT.
RIGHT, I'D BETTER CHANGE.
SO, TED, WHAT
BRINGS YOU TO MIAMI?
I'LL GRAB ANY CHANCE I CAN
TO SPEND TIME WITH THE
GREATEST GUY IN THE WORLD.
[CHUCKLING] MY KID BROTHER
STILL LOOKS UP TO ME.
AS WELL HE SHOULD.
TED IS JUST A DOCTOR AND
A PILLAR OF HIS COMMUNITY.
WHILE, ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU
WERE THE KING OF PADDED TOILET SEATS.
HEY, THEY SOLD REAL
WELL FOR A WHILE.
EVEN PUT OUR DAUGHTER
THROUGH COLLEGE.
THEY GOT ME THROUGH
SOME TOUGH TIMES, TOO.
SO, TED, DID I HEAR SOMEONE
SAY YOU WERE A DOCTOR?
HE'S NOT JUST A DOCTOR.
HE HAPPENS TO BE ONE OF THE TOP
NEUROSURGEONS IN THE MIDWEST.
- GET OUT OF HERE.
- HE'S ALSO INTO REAL ESTATE.
NO, IT'S NOTHING MUCH REALLY.
I JUST OWN A FEW MINI-MALLS.
OH, YOUR WIFE MUST
BE VERY PROUD OF YOU.
ACTUALLY, WE'RE DIVORCED.
OH, I'M TERRIBLY,
TERRIBLY SORRY.
LOVE YOUR SHIRT.
NICE SEGUEWAY, BLANCHE.
YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER MET
A NEUROSURGEON BEFORE.
I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR
MORE ABOUT YOUR WORK.
HOW ABOUT 8:00 TONIGHT?
THAT SOUNDS GOOD BUT I THINK STAN
MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING PLANNED FOR US.
I DID HAVE RINGSIDE SEATS
AT THE MUD WRESTLING PALACE
BUT, HEY, A BIRD IN THE HAND
IS WORTH TWO IN THE BUSH.
ELEGANTLY PUT, STAN.
- WELL, I GUESS WE'RE ON.
- WE BETTER GET GOING, TED.
WE WANT TO GET A PARKING
SPACE AT THE NUDE BEACH
BEFORE THOSE PERVERTS SHOW UP.
- SEE YOU TONIGHT, DOCTOR.
- UH-HUH.
WELL, THAT WAS
PRETTY EMBARRASSING.
I KNOW, BUT WHAT COULD I DO?
HE JUST PRACTICALLY
THREW HIMSELF AT ME.
WELL, GOODNIGHT, BLANCHE.
WHAT'S YOUR HURRY.
COME IN FOR A NIGHTCAP.
- I DON'T WANT TO PUT YOU OUT.
- I LIKE TO PUT OUT.
I MEAN IT'S NO TROUBLE.
YOU KNOW, BEING A DOCTOR,
IT MUST BE DEEPLY FULFILLING
TO BE ABLE TO LAY
YOUR HANDS ON SOMEONE
AND BRING THEM BACK TO
FULL, PULSATING VITALITY.
I'VE ALWAYS BELIEVED THAT
THE BODY CURES ITSELF.
WE DOCTORS JUST HELP IT ALONG.
ACTUALLY, I'M STARTING
TO FEEL A LITTLE HOT.
WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE
COULD BE CAUSING THAT?
HAVE YOU CHECKED
YOUR THERMOSTAT?
WHY DON'T YOU CHECK IT FOR ME.
OKAY, WHERE IS IT?
YOU SPENT NINE
YEARS IN MED SCHOOL.
FIND IT YOURSELF.
HI, BLANCHE. HI, TED.
- HOW WAS YOUR DATE?
- IT'S NOT OVER YET.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP?
- I STILL CAN'T SLEEP.
I DON'T WANT TO SEEM
INSENSITIVE, ROSE,
BUT THAT'S YOUR
PROBLEM. GET OUT.
BLANCHE, THAT DOES
SEEM A LITTLE INSENSITIVE.
NO, IT'S NOT. YOU'RE JUST TIRED.
OH, OKAY. I'M SORRY
I INTERRUPTED.
THAT'S OKAY. I BETTER BE GOING.
NO, NOW YOU STAY
RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE.
NOW, ROSE, GO TO BED.
- I CAN'T SLEEP.
- TRY COUNTING SHEEP.
I CAN'T COUNT SHEEP,
I'M ALLERGIC TO WOOL.
I GOT TO 23 AND I
BROKE OUT IN HIVES.
THAT'S WHEN I STARTED COUNTING
THE MEMBERS OF THE JACKSON FAMILY.
MICHAEL, JANET, LATOYA, TITO...
- ROSE!
- THEN THERE'S STONEWALL JACKSON
BUT I DON'T REMEMBER
HIM ON THE VICTORY TOUR.
BLANCHE, I'D BETTER
BE GOING NOW.
ALL RIGHT, BUT BEFORE YOU DO
I JUST WANT TO THANK
YOU FOR A LOVELY EVENING.
I GUESS HE BOUGHT DINNER.
SOPHIA.
DON'T MIND ME. THE BEST
OF CARSON'S COMING ON.
- IN HERE?
- NO, BLANCHE, IN HOLLYWOOD,
BUT THEY PIPE IT THROUGH THESE
WIRES AND IT COMES OUT HERE.
I REALLY HAVE TO
SAY GOODNIGHT NOW.
THANKS FOR EVERYTHING.
WHY? YOU DIDN'T GET EVERYTHING.
- HI, TED.
- HI, DOROTHY.
HOW WAS YOUR DATE WITH BLANCHE?
I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE
I'M OLD-FASHIONED
BUT WHEN I WAS DATING, THE
MAN USED TO MAKE ALL THE MOVES.
HOW MANY MEN HAVE YOU DATED?
NO, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEANT
AND I DON'T THINK
THAT'S OLD-FASHIONED.
I THINK IT'S KIND OF NICE.
HOW DID YOU SPEND YOUR EVENING.
PARENT-TEACHER MEETINGS.
FIVE HOURS OF
SAYING THINGS LIKE,
"WELL, YOUR LITTLE
BETTY IS A JOY
BUT SHE'S GOING TO
HAVE TO TRIM HER MOHAWK
IF WANTS TO PLAY MARY
IN THE CHRISTMAS PLAY."
SOUNDS LIKE YOU NEED TO UNWIND.
I THINK I NEED TO RETIRE.
LOOK, I KNOW IT'S LATE BUT
COULD WE GO FOR A DRINK?
SURE, YEAH, I'LL
SETTLE FOR THAT.
FOUR NIGHTS IN A ROW
AND I STILL CAN'T SLEEP.
PLEASE, I HAVEN'T HAD A DECENT
NIGHTS SLEEP SINCE I WAS 70.
I SHOULDN'T COMPLAIN. I
MEAN, FOUR NIGHTS IS NOTHING
COMPARED TO ELSA
YUDERRUDEN BACK IN ST. OLAF.
SHE STAYED AWAKE
FOR 17 STRAIGHT DAYS
IN A ROCKING CHAIR MARATHON.
SHE COULDN'T HAVE DONE
IT WITHOUT MORAL SUPPORT
OF HER CHILDREN AND HER HUSBAND.
AND HIS CATTLE PROD.
OKAY, THAT'S IT.
DRINK THIS. IT'S A SECRET
POTION FROM THE OLD COUNTRY
GUARANTEED TO PUT YOU TO SLEEP.
LOOKS LIKE MILK.
TRUST ME, ROSE.
DRINK IT, SLOWLY.
THAT'S RIGHT, DOWN THE HATCH.
WE CALL THIS...
SICILIAN SOMINEX.
NOW, YOU MIGHT FEEL
A SLIGHT TINGLING.
BUT, BELIEVE ME,
YOU'LL SLEEP LIKE A BABY.
I DON'T FEEL ANY TINGLING,
WHEN'S IT GONNA HIT ME?
SOPHIA!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I WAS MAKING A SOUFFLE
AND IT GOT AWAY FROM ME.
MORNING, LADIES.
THE WAY YOU LEAVE THAT BACK
DOOR OPEN, ANY IDIOT COULD WALK IN.
ANY IDIOT DID.
SO, BLANCHE, VA-VA-VA-VOOM, HUH?
WHAT?
LAST NIGHT, WITH TED. CHA,
CHA, CHA. TANGO, TANGO, OLE.
NOBODY HERE
SPEAKS SPANISH, STAN.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- OH, OH, I GET IT, PLAY DUMB.
I CAN PLAY DUMB.
PLAY, YOU COULD MANAGE THE TEAM.
JUST TELL ME WHERE
TED IS. IS HE STILL ASLEEP?
STAN, IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.
HEY, I READ YOU,
BABE. MUM'S THE WORD.
HE'S IN THE SHOWER, RIGHT?
YO, TED!
STANLEY, YOUR
BROTHER ISN'T HERE.
WHERE IS HE?
WELL, HOW SHOULD I KNOW? HE
LEFT LAST NIGHT AROUND 11:30.
- THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.
- YOU'RE TELLING ME.
WELL, THIS IS STRANGE.
HE DIDN'T CALL, HE DIDN'T
COME HOME. IT'S NOT LIKE TED.
I'VE GOTTA GO FIND HIM.
COULD'VE GOTTEN MUGGED.
HE COULD BE LYING OUT IN A
GUTTER, BLEEDING TO DEATH.
IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT.
DOROTHY, WHAT THE HELL ARE
YOU DOING WITH MY BROTHER?
CALM DOWN, STANLEY.
IT'S JUST A ROUTINE SEARCH.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE SO
DESPERATE YOU'D STOOP TO THIS.
YOU CAN'T TALK TO ME THAT WAY.
I WAS TALKING TO TED!
- LET'S GO!
- LOOK, STAN. I'M NOT A CHILD.
- I'LL GO WHEN I'M READY.
- GOOD FOR YOU, TED.
- OKAY, I'M READY.
- ALL RIGHT.
I'LL CALL YOU LATER.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
WHAT JUST HAPPENED.
I THINK YOU OWE
ME AN EXPLANATION.
WELL, TED AND I...
I DON'T HAVE TO STAND
HERE AND LISTEN TO THIS.
- MA, DON'T GIVE ME THAT LOOK.
- WHAT LOOK?
I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG.
TED AND I JUST TALKED LAST NIGHT.
RIGHT, AND THE GODFATHER MADE
ALL HIS MONEY SELLING OLIVE OIL.
BLANCHE, IF I THOUGHT FOR A
SECOND THAT THERE WAS ANYTHING
BETWEEN YOU AND TED, I NEVER
WOULD HAVE DONE WHAT I DID.
WHAT DID YOU DO, DOROTHY?
SHE SPENT THE NIGHT WITH TED.
BUT TED WAS YOUR DATE, BLANCHE.
DOROTHY, YOU MUST HAVE
SLEPT WITH SOMEBODY ELSE.
BLANCHE, I DIDN'T
STEAL YOUR DATE.
TED TOLD ME THAT YOU HAD
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IN COMMON.
WELL, OBVIOUSLY.
HE'S DULL, BORING AND HAS
DUBIOUS TASTE, TO SAY THE LEAST.
IF THAT IS SOME SCHOOLGIRL
ATTEMPT TO GET MY GOAT
YOU'RE WASTING YOUR BREATH.
I'M SIMPLY QUESTIONING
HOW ANY MAN COULD
POSSIBLY CHOOSE YOU OVER ME.
IT'S NOT WORKING, BLANCHE.
I SUPPOSE THERE COULD
BE SOME EXCEPTIONS.
CONVICTS WHO HAVEN'T
SEEN A WOMAN IN 25 YEARS...
IT'S STILL NOT
WORKING, YOU BIMBO.
HOW CHILDISH TO RESORT TO
NAME CALLING, YOU JEZEBEL.
- FLOOZY.
- TRAMP.
I? I AM A TRAMP?
BLANCHE, HAVE YOU HEARD
THE LATEST AD CAMPAIGNS?
JOIN THE NAVY, SEE THE WORLD,
SLEEP WITH BLANCHE DEVEREAUX?
JOIN THE ARMY,
BE ALL YOU CAN BE,
SLEEP WITH BLANCHE DEVEREAUX?
THE MARINES ARE LOOKING
FOR A FEW GOOD MEN
WHO HAVE NOT SLEPT
WITH BLANCHE DEVEREAUX.
JUST WHAT ARE YOU
TRYING TO IMPLY?
- SLUT!
- TRASH!
NOW, GIRLS, SETTLE DOWN
BEFORE YOU SAYS SOMETHING
YOU'LL BOTH REGRET.
KNOW WHAT HER PROBLEM IS?
SHE CANNOT STAND TO
SEE ANYONE ELSE HAPPY.
CALM DOWN, DOROTHY.
I'LL BREW YOU SOME TEA.
- I DON'T WANT ANY TEA.
- BUT THIS IS A SPECIAL BLEND.
IT'S VERY SOOTHING.
ROSE, HAVE YOU BEEN
DRINKING MUCH OF THIS?
ONLY AT NIGHT
WHEN I CAN'T SLEEP.
THIS IS LOADED WITH CAFFEINE.
BUT WE NEED CAFFEINE,
ESPECIALLY WOMEN OUR AGE.
OR OUR BONES WILL GET BRITTLE
AND WE'LL WALK ALL STOOPED OVER.
THAT'S CALCIUM, ROSE.
CALCIUM, NOT CAFFEINE.
THIS IS WHAT HAS BEEN
KEEPING YOU AWAKE.
YOU MEAN, IF I STOP
DRINKING THAT, I CAN SLEEP?
YOU MAY EVEN BLINK AGAIN.
I'VE GOTTA GET TO THE
COUNSELING CENTER.
HONEY, COME ON,
TAKE THE DAY OFF.
BUT THOSE PEOPLE NEED ME.
WHAT GOOD CAN YOU
POSSIBLY BE TO THEM?
WELL, I'LL BE THERE,
I'LL SMILE, I'LL NOD.
FORTUNATELY, A LOT
OF THEM HEAR VOICES.
I'LL JUST TELL THEM
ONE OF THEM IS MINE.
[SLOW MUSIC PLAYS]
- HAVING A NICE TIME, DOROTHY?
- WONDERFUL.
ME TOO. THIS REMINDS
ME OF WHEN WE WERE KIDS,
AND YOU AND STAN DOUBLE
DATED WITH ME AND LOIS BERNBAUM.
OH, YEAH, WE WENT TO ROSELAND,
AND YOU AND I DID THE JITTERBUG.
AND AFTERWARDS,
TO LOUIE'S FOR A MALT?
THAT'S WHEN STAN DID HIS WALRUS
IMITATION, STRAWS UP HIS NOSE.
SURE HAVE COME A
LONG WAY SINCE THEN.
YEAH. NOW STAN USES BREADSTICKS.
I HAD QUITE A CRUSH ON YOU.
- YOU DID?
- SURE DID.
AND THAT'S WHY I'M GLAD
WE'RE HERE TOGETHER TONIGHT.
I KNOW IT MAY SEEM SUDDEN BUT
THERE IS SOMETHING IMPORTANT
- I WANNA ASK YOU.
- ANYTHING, TED.
- UH, MAY I CUT IN?
- OH, HELL.
HEY, STAN, IT'S GOOD TO SEE
YOU. WHAT A COINCIDENCE, HUH?
LOOK, I'LL BE BACK AT THE TABLE.
- BUT...
- NO, IT'S OKAY.
HEY, WE GOT ALL NIGHT.
YOU TWO ENJOY, HUH?
[HOST] GATLING, PARTY OF TWO.
DOROTHY, YOU'RE NOT MOVING. IT
REMINDS ME OF OUR WEDDING NIGHT.
STANLEY, I DON'T
WANNA DANCE WITH YOU.
DOROTHY, PLEASE. THIS
IS REALLY IMPORTANT.
TED CALLED THE AIRLINE AND
BOOKED TWO SEATS FOR ACAPULCO.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN TO YOU?
HE DOESN'T HAVE A TRAVEL AGENT.
NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. THE
LAST TIME HE WENT TO ACAPULCO,
- HE GOT MARRIED.
- SO?
LAST TIME I WENT TO CONEY
ISLAND, I GOT PREGNANT.
WHAT'S YOUR POINT?
HE MADE RESERVATIONS
AT THE SAME HOTEL.
HE'S WEARING MY MOST EXPENSIVE
AFTERSHAVE, DON'T YOU SEE?
HE'S GONNA POP THE QUESTION.
YOU'RE BEING RIDICULOUS.
YOU'RE JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS.
BESIDES, IT'S NONE OF
YOUR BUSINESS. GOOD NIGHT.
[HOST] SHAFTER, PARTY OF THREE.
TED, I TOLD DOROTHY
ABOUT ACAPULCO.
YOU HEARD ME MAKE
THE RESERVATIONS?
YES, AND I THINK IT'S
A TERRIBLE MISTAKE.
YOU MEAN, IT'S TRUE?
WELL, YES.
[STAMMERING] I DON'T
KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
I HOPE YOU'LL SAY YES.
TED, I THINK THERE'S SOMETHING
YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT DOROTHY.
SHE SNORES LIKE A FREIGHT TRAIN.
WHO CARES, SHE'S
STILL A GREAT GAL.
HEY, GUY, YOU'RE
A WEALTHY DOCTOR,
YOU COULD HAVE GORGEOUS
WOMEN CRAWLING AT YOUR FEET.
WHY WASTE YOUR
TIME WITH DOROTHY?
I THINK YOU'RE A
LITTLE OUT OF LINE.
I'M NOT KNOCKING DOROTHY.
WHAT WOULD YOU CALL
THIS, A TESTIMONIAL?
OKAY, OKAY. I'M GONNA
HAVE TO BE BLUNT.
TED, ALL YOUR LIFE,
YOU'VE LOOKED UP TO ME,
AND YOU'VE ENVIED ME
FOR EVERYTHING I HAVE.
THAT'S WHY YOU
WANNA MARRY DOROTHY.
MARRY DOROTHY?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
COME ON, ACAPULCO,
THE EL PRESIDENTE,
YOU'RE PLANNING SOMETHING BIG.
WELL, YEAH. I MET THIS GREAT
LOOKING STEWARDESS ON THE FLIGHT
AND I ASKED HER TO GO TO
ACAPULCO AND SHE COULD ONLY GO
IF I FOUND A SITTER
FOR HER TWO KIDS.
HEY, I'D REALLY APPRECIATE IT.
COME AGAIN.
THEY ARE GREAT KIDS.
ONE OF THEM PLAYS WITH MATCHES,
BUT YOU DON'T SMOKE, DO YOU?
TEDDY, YOU OLD STUD.
HEY, HEY, HEY.
I MEAN, YOU HANG AROUND
THE MASTER LONG ENOUGH,
YOU'RE GONNA PICK
UP A FEW TRICKS. YO!
LISTEN, UH... TED, I
HATE TO INTERRUPT...
WHAT WAS ALL THAT SWEET TALK
ABOUT YOUR HAVING A CRUSH ON ME?
WELL, I MEAN, I DID, BUT
THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.
YEAH, BUT... WHAT
ABOUT LAST NIGHT?
WELL, I'LL ALWAYS
REMEMBER LAST NIGHT
AS A VERY SPECIAL EVENING.
IT WAS.
IT WAS A VERY SPECIAL EVENING.
AND THAT'S WHY...
I'M GOING TO KEEP
THAT DEEP DARK SECRET
ABOUT YOURSELF THAT YOU TOLD
ME STRICTLY BETWEEN THE TWO OF US.
UH, THANK YOU, I APPRECIATE IT.
DON'T MENTION IT.
GOOD NIGHT, TED. AND GOODBYE.
GOODBYE.
[HOST] COLLINS,
PARTY OF TWO, PLEASE.
OH, UH, MAY I BORROW
THIS FOR A MINUTE?
UH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
MAY I HAVE YOUR
ATTENTION, PLEASE.
THE GENTLEMAN AT TABLE FIVE
IN THE BLUE SUIT IS IMPOTENT.
BON APPETIT.
ROSE.
AWWW.
OH, ROSE.
HONEY, DID YOU
FINALLY GET TO SLEEP?
WAKE UP, I HAVE TO
TALK TO SOMEONE.
OH, NOT NOW, I WANNA SLEEP.
ROSE, LISTEN, DOROTHY'S
SO UPSET WITH ME,
AND I DON'T BLAME HER
AFTER ALL THOSE THINGS I SAID.
- MMM.
- YOU KNOW, I JUST DON'T SEE
HOW I'LL EVER FACE HER AGAIN.
ROSE, LISTEN. LISTEN.
AM I A TERRIBLE PERSON?
I DON'T KNOW. WHO ARE YOU?
IT'S ME, BLANCHE.
OH, BLANCHE. YOU'RE
NOT A TERRIBLE PERSON.
YOU'RE JUST HORNY ALL THE TIME.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- ROSE, IT'S DOROTHY.
- OH, GOSH.
I CAN'T TALK TO HER, NOT NOW.
OH!
ROSE, HONEY.
- ARE YOU AWAKE?
- I DON'T KNOW.
OH, THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH.
I NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE.
ROSE, IT'S BEEN
A TERRIBLE NIGHT.
TED TURNED OUT TO BE AS BIG
A JERK AS BLANCHE SAID HE WAS.
- TED WHO?
- NEVER MIND.
HOW DID I LET
MYSELF GET INVOLVED?
HOW COULD I ALLOW A MAN TO COME
BETWEEN ME AND MY BEST FRIEND.
BLANCHE IS NEVER
GONNA FORGIVE ME.
I FORGIVE YOU.
WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?
I WAS HIDING BEHIND THE DRAPES.
WHAT IS THIS, HAMLET?
I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO FACE YOU
AFTER ALL THOSE THINGS I SAID.
- HONEY, HONEY, I UNDERSTAND.
- WELL...
I UNDERSTAND WHY
YOU WERE SO UPSET.
I'M NOT REALLY SURE
YOU DO, DOROTHY.
YOU SEE...
I THREW MYSELF AT TED
AND HE JUST TOSSED ME ASIDE
LIKE A RATTY OLD
PAIR OF SWEAT SOCKS.
WELL, I'M NOT LIKE YOU, DOROTHY.
I'M NOT USED TO THAT
KIND OF HUMILIATION.
I'VE NEVER TOLD
ANYONE THIS BEFORE,
BUT I HAVE A FRAGILE EGO.
IT'LL BE OUR LITTLE SECRET.
ROSE?
DON'T WORRY.
I FOUND SOMETHING
TO PUT YOU TO SLEEP.
SHE'S ASLEEP ALREADY, SOPHIA.
WHAT? AFTER I SPENT ALL DAY
MAKING HER THIS
SICILIAN SLEEPING POTION?
OH, MA, COME ON.
HEY, THIS SAVED MY
UNCLE GIUSEPPE'S LIFE.
ONE SWIG AND HE SLEPT
THROUGH THE ALLIED INVASION.
MA, THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
HERE, TAKE A SIP.
WOW, THIS STUFF REALLY WORKS.
I'VE GOTTA REMEMBER
WHAT I PUT IN THIS.
TAKES SO LITTLE
TO MAKE HER HAPPY.
- GOOD NIGHT, BLANCHE.
- GOOD NIGHT, DOROTHY.
ROSE, GOOD...
DOROTHY?
DOROTHY?
♪ TRAVELED DOWN THE
ROAD AND BACK AGAIN ♪
♪ YOUR HEART IS TRUE ♪
♪ YOU'RE A PAL AND A CONFIDANT ♪
♪ AND IF YOU THREW A PARTY ♪
♪ INVITED EVERYONE YOU KNEW ♪
♪ YOU WOULD SEE ♪
♪ THE BIGGEST GIFT
WOULD BE FROM ME ♪
♪ AND THE CARD
ATTACHED WOULD SAY ♪
♪ THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND ♪
HI, BLANCHE.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
YOU KNOW THAT
ATTORNEY I'VE BEEN DATING?
I CAUGHT HIM HANDLING
MELONS AT THE A&P.
AND I TAKE IT THEY
WEREN'T YOURS?
YOU MISSED MY POINT, DOROTHY.
HE TOLD ME HE WAS A LAWYER.
TURNS OUT HE'S A FRUIT WAXER.
WHY DO MEN HAVE TO
PUT UP FALSE PRETENSES?
THIS FROM A WOMAN WHO WEARS
MORE PADDING ON HER CHEST
THAN JOHNNY BENCH.
GOOD MORNING. I CAN'T TAKE
TIME FOR BREAKFAST, I'M LATE.
[CHUCKLING] ROSE,
AREN'T YOU FORGETTING SOMETHING?
OH.
SORRY, MAMA.
ROSE, IT'S ME DOROTHY.
OH.
DID YOU NOT SLEEP
AGAIN LAST NIGHT?
NO, AND IT'S BEEN
THREE NIGHTS IN A ROW.
HAVE YOU TRIED DRINKING
WARM MILK BEFORE GOING TO BED?
NO, I CAN'T DRINK WARM MILK.
IT REMINDS ME OF THE
TIME COUSIN ENOCH
FELL INTO THE VAT
OF MILK AT THE DAIRY.
GOODNESS. WAS HE HURT?
OH, NO.
IN FACT, IT BEGAN
THE ANNUAL TRADITION
OF THE ST. OLAF MILK
DIVING TOURNAMENT.
I WON THREE TIMES IN
THE LOW FAT DIVISION.
EVENTUALLY THEY
DISCONTINUED THE EVENT
WHEN SEVERAL SPECTATORS
WERE CAUGHT DIPPING
THEIR OREO COOKIES IN
THEIR WINTER SWIM TRUNKS.
[DOORBELL]
[ALL] I'LL GET IT.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST
TAKE A SLEEPING PILL?
I DON'T LIKE TO TAKE PILLS.
I GET SLAP HAPPY
AND SAY SILLY THINGS.
WELL, WE CERTAINLY
WOULDN'T WANT THAT TO HAPPEN.
- HI, IT'S ME STAN.
- WHAT DO YOU WANT?
I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR DOROTHY.
WHAT? NOW THAT YOU'RE OFF
THE BLOOD PRESSURE MEDICINE
IT'S WORKING AGAIN?
MY GOD, SOPHIA.
IS THERE ANYTHING
DOROTHY DIDN'T
TELL YOU ABOUT US?
ACTUALLY, YES. I DIDN'T
KNOW SHE WAS PREGNANT
UNTIL FOUR DAYS
AFTER THE WEDDING.
HI, SOPHIA. REMEMBER
ME, STAN'S BROTHER TED?
I DANCED WITH YOU
AT THEIR WEDDING.
WHERE WERE YOU
WHEN THEY DIVORCED?
I WAS LOOKING FOR
SOMEONE TO DANCE WITH THEN.
TED, WHAT A SURPRISE!
IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
- WHAT ABOUT ME, BABE?
- GO HUG A LANDMINE.
BLANCHE, ROSE, THIS IS
MY LITTLE BROTHER TED.
CHARMED I'M SURE.
OH, THERE'S MY NEW VANITY FAIR.
HE JUST FLEW IN
FROM MINNEAPOLIS.
MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA?
NO, ROSE, MINNEAPOLIS, FRANCE.
- OH, I'M FROM MINNESOTA.
- I'M FROM MINNESOTA, TOO.
THEN YOU JUST MOVED TO FRANCE?
WELCOME TO MY LIFE.
IT'S NICE MEETING YOU, TED,
BUT I HAVE TO GO TO WORK.
WHAT DO YOU DO?
SHE'S GARY HART'S
CAMPAIGN MANAGER.
IT DOESN'T PAY MUCH
BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO
GET OUT OF BED TO DO IT.
RIGHT, I'D BETTER CHANGE.
SO, TED, WHAT
BRINGS YOU TO MIAMI?
I'LL GRAB ANY CHANCE I CAN
TO SPEND TIME WITH THE
GREATEST GUY IN THE WORLD.
[CHUCKLING] MY KID BROTHER
STILL LOOKS UP TO ME.
AS WELL HE SHOULD.
TED IS JUST A DOCTOR AND
A PILLAR OF HIS COMMUNITY.
WHILE, ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU
WERE THE KING OF PADDED TOILET SEATS.
HEY, THEY SOLD REAL
WELL FOR A WHILE.
EVEN PUT OUR DAUGHTER
THROUGH COLLEGE.
THEY GOT ME THROUGH
SOME TOUGH TIMES, TOO.
SO, TED, DID I HEAR SOMEONE
SAY YOU WERE A DOCTOR?
HE'S NOT JUST A DOCTOR.
HE HAPPENS TO BE ONE OF THE TOP
NEUROSURGEONS IN THE MIDWEST.
- GET OUT OF HERE.
- HE'S ALSO INTO REAL ESTATE.
NO, IT'S NOTHING MUCH REALLY.
I JUST OWN A FEW MINI-MALLS.
OH, YOUR WIFE MUST
BE VERY PROUD OF YOU.
ACTUALLY, WE'RE DIVORCED.
OH, I'M TERRIBLY,
TERRIBLY SORRY.
LOVE YOUR SHIRT.
NICE SEGUEWAY, BLANCHE.
YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER MET
A NEUROSURGEON BEFORE.
I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR
MORE ABOUT YOUR WORK.
HOW ABOUT 8:00 TONIGHT?
THAT SOUNDS GOOD BUT I THINK STAN
MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING PLANNED FOR US.
I DID HAVE RINGSIDE SEATS
AT THE MUD WRESTLING PALACE
BUT, HEY, A BIRD IN THE HAND
IS WORTH TWO IN THE BUSH.
ELEGANTLY PUT, STAN.
- WELL, I GUESS WE'RE ON.
- WE BETTER GET GOING, TED.
WE WANT TO GET A PARKING
SPACE AT THE NUDE BEACH
BEFORE THOSE PERVERTS SHOW UP.
- SEE YOU TONIGHT, DOCTOR.
- UH-HUH.
WELL, THAT WAS
PRETTY EMBARRASSING.
I KNOW, BUT WHAT COULD I DO?
HE JUST PRACTICALLY
THREW HIMSELF AT ME.
WELL, GOODNIGHT, BLANCHE.
WHAT'S YOUR HURRY.
COME IN FOR A NIGHTCAP.
- I DON'T WANT TO PUT YOU OUT.
- I LIKE TO PUT OUT.
I MEAN IT'S NO TROUBLE.
YOU KNOW, BEING A DOCTOR,
IT MUST BE DEEPLY FULFILLING
TO BE ABLE TO LAY
YOUR HANDS ON SOMEONE
AND BRING THEM BACK TO
FULL, PULSATING VITALITY.
I'VE ALWAYS BELIEVED THAT
THE BODY CURES ITSELF.
WE DOCTORS JUST HELP IT ALONG.
ACTUALLY, I'M STARTING
TO FEEL A LITTLE HOT.
WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE
COULD BE CAUSING THAT?
HAVE YOU CHECKED
YOUR THERMOSTAT?
WHY DON'T YOU CHECK IT FOR ME.
OKAY, WHERE IS IT?
YOU SPENT NINE
YEARS IN MED SCHOOL.
FIND IT YOURSELF.
HI, BLANCHE. HI, TED.
- HOW WAS YOUR DATE?
- IT'S NOT OVER YET.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP?
- I STILL CAN'T SLEEP.
I DON'T WANT TO SEEM
INSENSITIVE, ROSE,
BUT THAT'S YOUR
PROBLEM. GET OUT.
BLANCHE, THAT DOES
SEEM A LITTLE INSENSITIVE.
NO, IT'S NOT. YOU'RE JUST TIRED.
OH, OKAY. I'M SORRY
I INTERRUPTED.
THAT'S OKAY. I BETTER BE GOING.
NO, NOW YOU STAY
RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE.
NOW, ROSE, GO TO BED.
- I CAN'T SLEEP.
- TRY COUNTING SHEEP.
I CAN'T COUNT SHEEP,
I'M ALLERGIC TO WOOL.
I GOT TO 23 AND I
BROKE OUT IN HIVES.
THAT'S WHEN I STARTED COUNTING
THE MEMBERS OF THE JACKSON FAMILY.
MICHAEL, JANET, LATOYA, TITO...
- ROSE!
- THEN THERE'S STONEWALL JACKSON
BUT I DON'T REMEMBER
HIM ON THE VICTORY TOUR.
BLANCHE, I'D BETTER
BE GOING NOW.
ALL RIGHT, BUT BEFORE YOU DO
I JUST WANT TO THANK
YOU FOR A LOVELY EVENING.
I GUESS HE BOUGHT DINNER.
SOPHIA.
DON'T MIND ME. THE BEST
OF CARSON'S COMING ON.
- IN HERE?
- NO, BLANCHE, IN HOLLYWOOD,
BUT THEY PIPE IT THROUGH THESE
WIRES AND IT COMES OUT HERE.
I REALLY HAVE TO
SAY GOODNIGHT NOW.
THANKS FOR EVERYTHING.
WHY? YOU DIDN'T GET EVERYTHING.
- HI, TED.
- HI, DOROTHY.
HOW WAS YOUR DATE WITH BLANCHE?
I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE
I'M OLD-FASHIONED
BUT WHEN I WAS DATING, THE
MAN USED TO MAKE ALL THE MOVES.
HOW MANY MEN HAVE YOU DATED?
NO, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEANT
AND I DON'T THINK
THAT'S OLD-FASHIONED.
I THINK IT'S KIND OF NICE.
HOW DID YOU SPEND YOUR EVENING.
PARENT-TEACHER MEETINGS.
FIVE HOURS OF
SAYING THINGS LIKE,
"WELL, YOUR LITTLE
BETTY IS A JOY
BUT SHE'S GOING TO
HAVE TO TRIM HER MOHAWK
IF WANTS TO PLAY MARY
IN THE CHRISTMAS PLAY."
SOUNDS LIKE YOU NEED TO UNWIND.
I THINK I NEED TO RETIRE.
LOOK, I KNOW IT'S LATE BUT
COULD WE GO FOR A DRINK?
SURE, YEAH, I'LL
SETTLE FOR THAT.
FOUR NIGHTS IN A ROW
AND I STILL CAN'T SLEEP.
PLEASE, I HAVEN'T HAD A DECENT
NIGHTS SLEEP SINCE I WAS 70.
I SHOULDN'T COMPLAIN. I
MEAN, FOUR NIGHTS IS NOTHING
COMPARED TO ELSA
YUDERRUDEN BACK IN ST. OLAF.
SHE STAYED AWAKE
FOR 17 STRAIGHT DAYS
IN A ROCKING CHAIR MARATHON.
SHE COULDN'T HAVE DONE
IT WITHOUT MORAL SUPPORT
OF HER CHILDREN AND HER HUSBAND.
AND HIS CATTLE PROD.
OKAY, THAT'S IT.
DRINK THIS. IT'S A SECRET
POTION FROM THE OLD COUNTRY
GUARANTEED TO PUT YOU TO SLEEP.
LOOKS LIKE MILK.
TRUST ME, ROSE.
DRINK IT, SLOWLY.
THAT'S RIGHT, DOWN THE HATCH.
WE CALL THIS...
SICILIAN SOMINEX.
NOW, YOU MIGHT FEEL
A SLIGHT TINGLING.
BUT, BELIEVE ME,
YOU'LL SLEEP LIKE A BABY.
I DON'T FEEL ANY TINGLING,
WHEN'S IT GONNA HIT ME?
SOPHIA!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I WAS MAKING A SOUFFLE
AND IT GOT AWAY FROM ME.
MORNING, LADIES.
THE WAY YOU LEAVE THAT BACK
DOOR OPEN, ANY IDIOT COULD WALK IN.
ANY IDIOT DID.
SO, BLANCHE, VA-VA-VA-VOOM, HUH?
WHAT?
LAST NIGHT, WITH TED. CHA,
CHA, CHA. TANGO, TANGO, OLE.
NOBODY HERE
SPEAKS SPANISH, STAN.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- OH, OH, I GET IT, PLAY DUMB.
I CAN PLAY DUMB.
PLAY, YOU COULD MANAGE THE TEAM.
JUST TELL ME WHERE
TED IS. IS HE STILL ASLEEP?
STAN, IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.
HEY, I READ YOU,
BABE. MUM'S THE WORD.
HE'S IN THE SHOWER, RIGHT?
YO, TED!
STANLEY, YOUR
BROTHER ISN'T HERE.
WHERE IS HE?
WELL, HOW SHOULD I KNOW? HE
LEFT LAST NIGHT AROUND 11:30.
- THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.
- YOU'RE TELLING ME.
WELL, THIS IS STRANGE.
HE DIDN'T CALL, HE DIDN'T
COME HOME. IT'S NOT LIKE TED.
I'VE GOTTA GO FIND HIM.
COULD'VE GOTTEN MUGGED.
HE COULD BE LYING OUT IN A
GUTTER, BLEEDING TO DEATH.
IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT.
DOROTHY, WHAT THE HELL ARE
YOU DOING WITH MY BROTHER?
CALM DOWN, STANLEY.
IT'S JUST A ROUTINE SEARCH.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE SO
DESPERATE YOU'D STOOP TO THIS.
YOU CAN'T TALK TO ME THAT WAY.
I WAS TALKING TO TED!
- LET'S GO!
- LOOK, STAN. I'M NOT A CHILD.
- I'LL GO WHEN I'M READY.
- GOOD FOR YOU, TED.
- OKAY, I'M READY.
- ALL RIGHT.
I'LL CALL YOU LATER.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
WHAT JUST HAPPENED.
I THINK YOU OWE
ME AN EXPLANATION.
WELL, TED AND I...
I DON'T HAVE TO STAND
HERE AND LISTEN TO THIS.
- MA, DON'T GIVE ME THAT LOOK.
- WHAT LOOK?
I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG.
TED AND I JUST TALKED LAST NIGHT.
RIGHT, AND THE GODFATHER MADE
ALL HIS MONEY SELLING OLIVE OIL.
BLANCHE, IF I THOUGHT FOR A
SECOND THAT THERE WAS ANYTHING
BETWEEN YOU AND TED, I NEVER
WOULD HAVE DONE WHAT I DID.
WHAT DID YOU DO, DOROTHY?
SHE SPENT THE NIGHT WITH TED.
BUT TED WAS YOUR DATE, BLANCHE.
DOROTHY, YOU MUST HAVE
SLEPT WITH SOMEBODY ELSE.
BLANCHE, I DIDN'T
STEAL YOUR DATE.
TED TOLD ME THAT YOU HAD
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IN COMMON.
WELL, OBVIOUSLY.
HE'S DULL, BORING AND HAS
DUBIOUS TASTE, TO SAY THE LEAST.
IF THAT IS SOME SCHOOLGIRL
ATTEMPT TO GET MY GOAT
YOU'RE WASTING YOUR BREATH.
I'M SIMPLY QUESTIONING
HOW ANY MAN COULD
POSSIBLY CHOOSE YOU OVER ME.
IT'S NOT WORKING, BLANCHE.
I SUPPOSE THERE COULD
BE SOME EXCEPTIONS.
CONVICTS WHO HAVEN'T
SEEN A WOMAN IN 25 YEARS...
IT'S STILL NOT
WORKING, YOU BIMBO.
HOW CHILDISH TO RESORT TO
NAME CALLING, YOU JEZEBEL.
- FLOOZY.
- TRAMP.
I? I AM A TRAMP?
BLANCHE, HAVE YOU HEARD
THE LATEST AD CAMPAIGNS?
JOIN THE NAVY, SEE THE WORLD,
SLEEP WITH BLANCHE DEVEREAUX?
JOIN THE ARMY,
BE ALL YOU CAN BE,
SLEEP WITH BLANCHE DEVEREAUX?
THE MARINES ARE LOOKING
FOR A FEW GOOD MEN
WHO HAVE NOT SLEPT
WITH BLANCHE DEVEREAUX.
JUST WHAT ARE YOU
TRYING TO IMPLY?
- SLUT!
- TRASH!
NOW, GIRLS, SETTLE DOWN
BEFORE YOU SAYS SOMETHING
YOU'LL BOTH REGRET.
KNOW WHAT HER PROBLEM IS?
SHE CANNOT STAND TO
SEE ANYONE ELSE HAPPY.
CALM DOWN, DOROTHY.
I'LL BREW YOU SOME TEA.
- I DON'T WANT ANY TEA.
- BUT THIS IS A SPECIAL BLEND.
IT'S VERY SOOTHING.
ROSE, HAVE YOU BEEN
DRINKING MUCH OF THIS?
ONLY AT NIGHT
WHEN I CAN'T SLEEP.
THIS IS LOADED WITH CAFFEINE.
BUT WE NEED CAFFEINE,
ESPECIALLY WOMEN OUR AGE.
OR OUR BONES WILL GET BRITTLE
AND WE'LL WALK ALL STOOPED OVER.
THAT'S CALCIUM, ROSE.
CALCIUM, NOT CAFFEINE.
THIS IS WHAT HAS BEEN
KEEPING YOU AWAKE.
YOU MEAN, IF I STOP
DRINKING THAT, I CAN SLEEP?
YOU MAY EVEN BLINK AGAIN.
I'VE GOTTA GET TO THE
COUNSELING CENTER.
HONEY, COME ON,
TAKE THE DAY OFF.
BUT THOSE PEOPLE NEED ME.
WHAT GOOD CAN YOU
POSSIBLY BE TO THEM?
WELL, I'LL BE THERE,
I'LL SMILE, I'LL NOD.
FORTUNATELY, A LOT
OF THEM HEAR VOICES.
I'LL JUST TELL THEM
ONE OF THEM IS MINE.
[SLOW MUSIC PLAYS]
- HAVING A NICE TIME, DOROTHY?
- WONDERFUL.
ME TOO. THIS REMINDS
ME OF WHEN WE WERE KIDS,
AND YOU AND STAN DOUBLE
DATED WITH ME AND LOIS BERNBAUM.
OH, YEAH, WE WENT TO ROSELAND,
AND YOU AND I DID THE JITTERBUG.
AND AFTERWARDS,
TO LOUIE'S FOR A MALT?
THAT'S WHEN STAN DID HIS WALRUS
IMITATION, STRAWS UP HIS NOSE.
SURE HAVE COME A
LONG WAY SINCE THEN.
YEAH. NOW STAN USES BREADSTICKS.
I HAD QUITE A CRUSH ON YOU.
- YOU DID?
- SURE DID.
AND THAT'S WHY I'M GLAD
WE'RE HERE TOGETHER TONIGHT.
I KNOW IT MAY SEEM SUDDEN BUT
THERE IS SOMETHING IMPORTANT
- I WANNA ASK YOU.
- ANYTHING, TED.
- UH, MAY I CUT IN?
- OH, HELL.
HEY, STAN, IT'S GOOD TO SEE
YOU. WHAT A COINCIDENCE, HUH?
LOOK, I'LL BE BACK AT THE TABLE.
- BUT...
- NO, IT'S OKAY.
HEY, WE GOT ALL NIGHT.
YOU TWO ENJOY, HUH?
[HOST] GATLING, PARTY OF TWO.
DOROTHY, YOU'RE NOT MOVING. IT
REMINDS ME OF OUR WEDDING NIGHT.
STANLEY, I DON'T
WANNA DANCE WITH YOU.
DOROTHY, PLEASE. THIS
IS REALLY IMPORTANT.
TED CALLED THE AIRLINE AND
BOOKED TWO SEATS FOR ACAPULCO.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN TO YOU?
HE DOESN'T HAVE A TRAVEL AGENT.
NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. THE
LAST TIME HE WENT TO ACAPULCO,
- HE GOT MARRIED.
- SO?
LAST TIME I WENT TO CONEY
ISLAND, I GOT PREGNANT.
WHAT'S YOUR POINT?
HE MADE RESERVATIONS
AT THE SAME HOTEL.
HE'S WEARING MY MOST EXPENSIVE
AFTERSHAVE, DON'T YOU SEE?
HE'S GONNA POP THE QUESTION.
YOU'RE BEING RIDICULOUS.
YOU'RE JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS.
BESIDES, IT'S NONE OF
YOUR BUSINESS. GOOD NIGHT.
[HOST] SHAFTER, PARTY OF THREE.
TED, I TOLD DOROTHY
ABOUT ACAPULCO.
YOU HEARD ME MAKE
THE RESERVATIONS?
YES, AND I THINK IT'S
A TERRIBLE MISTAKE.
YOU MEAN, IT'S TRUE?
WELL, YES.
[STAMMERING] I DON'T
KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
I HOPE YOU'LL SAY YES.
TED, I THINK THERE'S SOMETHING
YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT DOROTHY.
SHE SNORES LIKE A FREIGHT TRAIN.
WHO CARES, SHE'S
STILL A GREAT GAL.
HEY, GUY, YOU'RE
A WEALTHY DOCTOR,
YOU COULD HAVE GORGEOUS
WOMEN CRAWLING AT YOUR FEET.
WHY WASTE YOUR
TIME WITH DOROTHY?
I THINK YOU'RE A
LITTLE OUT OF LINE.
I'M NOT KNOCKING DOROTHY.
WHAT WOULD YOU CALL
THIS, A TESTIMONIAL?
OKAY, OKAY. I'M GONNA
HAVE TO BE BLUNT.
TED, ALL YOUR LIFE,
YOU'VE LOOKED UP TO ME,
AND YOU'VE ENVIED ME
FOR EVERYTHING I HAVE.
THAT'S WHY YOU
WANNA MARRY DOROTHY.
MARRY DOROTHY?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
COME ON, ACAPULCO,
THE EL PRESIDENTE,
YOU'RE PLANNING SOMETHING BIG.
WELL, YEAH. I MET THIS GREAT
LOOKING STEWARDESS ON THE FLIGHT
AND I ASKED HER TO GO TO
ACAPULCO AND SHE COULD ONLY GO
IF I FOUND A SITTER
FOR HER TWO KIDS.
HEY, I'D REALLY APPRECIATE IT.
COME AGAIN.
THEY ARE GREAT KIDS.
ONE OF THEM PLAYS WITH MATCHES,
BUT YOU DON'T SMOKE, DO YOU?
TEDDY, YOU OLD STUD.
HEY, HEY, HEY.
I MEAN, YOU HANG AROUND
THE MASTER LONG ENOUGH,
YOU'RE GONNA PICK
UP A FEW TRICKS. YO!
LISTEN, UH... TED, I
HATE TO INTERRUPT...
WHAT WAS ALL THAT SWEET TALK
ABOUT YOUR HAVING A CRUSH ON ME?
WELL, I MEAN, I DID, BUT
THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.
YEAH, BUT... WHAT
ABOUT LAST NIGHT?
WELL, I'LL ALWAYS
REMEMBER LAST NIGHT
AS A VERY SPECIAL EVENING.
IT WAS.
IT WAS A VERY SPECIAL EVENING.
AND THAT'S WHY...
I'M GOING TO KEEP
THAT DEEP DARK SECRET
ABOUT YOURSELF THAT YOU TOLD
ME STRICTLY BETWEEN THE TWO OF US.
UH, THANK YOU, I APPRECIATE IT.
DON'T MENTION IT.
GOOD NIGHT, TED. AND GOODBYE.
GOODBYE.
[HOST] COLLINS,
PARTY OF TWO, PLEASE.
OH, UH, MAY I BORROW
THIS FOR A MINUTE?
UH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
MAY I HAVE YOUR
ATTENTION, PLEASE.
THE GENTLEMAN AT TABLE FIVE
IN THE BLUE SUIT IS IMPOTENT.
BON APPETIT.
ROSE.
AWWW.
OH, ROSE.
HONEY, DID YOU
FINALLY GET TO SLEEP?
WAKE UP, I HAVE TO
TALK TO SOMEONE.
OH, NOT NOW, I WANNA SLEEP.
ROSE, LISTEN, DOROTHY'S
SO UPSET WITH ME,
AND I DON'T BLAME HER
AFTER ALL THOSE THINGS I SAID.
- MMM.
- YOU KNOW, I JUST DON'T SEE
HOW I'LL EVER FACE HER AGAIN.
ROSE, LISTEN. LISTEN.
AM I A TERRIBLE PERSON?
I DON'T KNOW. WHO ARE YOU?
IT'S ME, BLANCHE.
OH, BLANCHE. YOU'RE
NOT A TERRIBLE PERSON.
YOU'RE JUST HORNY ALL THE TIME.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- ROSE, IT'S DOROTHY.
- OH, GOSH.
I CAN'T TALK TO HER, NOT NOW.
OH!
ROSE, HONEY.
- ARE YOU AWAKE?
- I DON'T KNOW.
OH, THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH.
I NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE.
ROSE, IT'S BEEN
A TERRIBLE NIGHT.
TED TURNED OUT TO BE AS BIG
A JERK AS BLANCHE SAID HE WAS.
- TED WHO?
- NEVER MIND.
HOW DID I LET
MYSELF GET INVOLVED?
HOW COULD I ALLOW A MAN TO COME
BETWEEN ME AND MY BEST FRIEND.
BLANCHE IS NEVER
GONNA FORGIVE ME.
I FORGIVE YOU.
WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?
I WAS HIDING BEHIND THE DRAPES.
WHAT IS THIS, HAMLET?
I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO FACE YOU
AFTER ALL THOSE THINGS I SAID.
- HONEY, HONEY, I UNDERSTAND.
- WELL...
I UNDERSTAND WHY
YOU WERE SO UPSET.
I'M NOT REALLY SURE
YOU DO, DOROTHY.
YOU SEE...
I THREW MYSELF AT TED
AND HE JUST TOSSED ME ASIDE
LIKE A RATTY OLD
PAIR OF SWEAT SOCKS.
WELL, I'M NOT LIKE YOU, DOROTHY.
I'M NOT USED TO THAT
KIND OF HUMILIATION.
I'VE NEVER TOLD
ANYONE THIS BEFORE,
BUT I HAVE A FRAGILE EGO.
IT'LL BE OUR LITTLE SECRET.
ROSE?
DON'T WORRY.
I FOUND SOMETHING
TO PUT YOU TO SLEEP.
SHE'S ASLEEP ALREADY, SOPHIA.
WHAT? AFTER I SPENT ALL DAY
MAKING HER THIS
SICILIAN SLEEPING POTION?
OH, MA, COME ON.
HEY, THIS SAVED MY
UNCLE GIUSEPPE'S LIFE.
ONE SWIG AND HE SLEPT
THROUGH THE ALLIED INVASION.
MA, THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
HERE, TAKE A SIP.
WOW, THIS STUFF REALLY WORKS.
I'VE GOTTA REMEMBER
WHAT I PUT IN THIS.
TAKES SO LITTLE
TO MAKE HER HAPPY.
- GOOD NIGHT, BLANCHE.
- GOOD NIGHT, DOROTHY.
ROSE, GOOD...
DOROTHY?
DOROTHY?