The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 3, Episode 6 - Letter to Gorbachev - full transcript

♪ THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND ♪

♪ TRAVELED DOWN THE
ROAD AND BACK AGAIN ♪

♪ YOUR HEART IS TRUE ♪

♪ YOU'RE A PAL AND A CONFIDANT ♪

♪ AND IF YOU THREW A PARTY ♪

♪ INVITED EVERYONE YOU KNEW ♪

♪ YOU WOULD SEE ♪

♪ THE BIGGEST GIFT
WOULD BE FROM ME ♪

♪ AND THE CARD
ATTACHED WOULD SAY ♪

♪ THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND ♪

- HI, MA.
- GIVE ME YOUR WATCH.



SURE. WHAT DO YOU WANT IT FOR?

I'M WORKING ON A MAGIC ACT

FOR THE TALENT
SHOW AT THE CENTER.

ABRACADABRA, ONE, TWO, THREE.

MA!

RELAX.

DOROTHY, WAS YOUR
CARD THE ACE OF SPADES?

MA, WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I THINK I GOT CHAPTER
SEVEN AND NINE MIXED UP.

OH.

THIS WATCH IS BROKEN.

MA, STAN GAVE ME THAT
WATCH WHEN WE GOT MARRIED!

WELL, THE MARRIAGE NEVER
WORKED, WHY SHOULD THE WATCH?

ANYWAY, I'VE GOT
BIGGER PROBLEMS.



I DON'T HAVE AN ACT
FOR THE TALENT SHOW.

TALENT SHOW? CAN I BE IN IT?

BLANCHE, WHAT YOU'RE TALENTED AT

ISN'T GENERALLY DONE ON A STAGE.

THIS ISN'T DOWNTOWN SAIGON.

MA, WILL YOU DO ME A FAVOR

AND FORGET ABOUT
THE TALENT SHOW?

YOU'RE JUST GONNA END UP WITH
EGG ON YOUR FACE LIKE LAST YEAR.

WHAT DID YOU DO
LAST YEAR, SOPHIA?

ARE YOU DEAF? SHE JUST TOLD YOU.

I TRIED TO JUGGLE EGGS.

- HI, ROSE.
- HI.

WHAT'S THE MATTER,
HONEY. IS SOMETHING WRONG?

I'M CONCERNED ABOUT NUCLEAR WAR.

AND JUST YESTERDAY
HER BIGGEST CONCERN

WAS WHETHER BUBBLES THE CHIMP

WAS TRAVELING WITH MICHAEL
JACKSON AGAINST HIS WILL.

OKAY, HONEY, TELL
US WHAT'S WRONG.

WHAT DOES THIS PICTURE
LOOK LIKE TO YOU?

UH, ME SITTING ON A THRONE
DRESSED AS CLEOPATRA,

WATCHING WHILE TWO
NAKED MEN WRESTLE

TO SEE WHO GETS
TO MAKE LOVE TO ME.

IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD.

ONLY FOR THE LOSER.

OKAY, ROSE, WHAT
IS THIS ALL ABOUT?

YOU KNOW THAT
SUNSHINE CADET TROOP

I'VE BEEN HELPING OUT WITH?

THIS WAS DONE BY
ONE OF THE GIRLS.

SHE CALLS IT "NUCLEAR
BOMB, THE DAY AFTER."

EIGHT YEARS OLD AND
THIS IS ON HER MIND.

- THAT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
- SHE WASN'T THE ONLY ONE.

THREE OTHER GIRLS DID
PICTURES JUST LIKE IT.

- I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.
- OH, HONEY,

IT'S NOT SO UNCOMMON.

I MEAN, KIDS HEAR ABOUT
NUCLEAR WAR ON TV.

THEY READ IT IN THE PAPERS.
IT'S PART OF THEIR LIVES.

THEY CAN'T HELP
BUT THINK ABOUT IT.

OH, IT'S SO SAD.

WHEN I WAS EIGHT YEARS
OLD I WAS JUST WORRIED ABOUT

THE USUAL CHILDHOOD THINGS.

HOW MUCH WOULD THE
TOOTH FAIRY LEAVE ME?

WHAT WOULD I GET FROM SANTA?

WOULD I EVER BE CHOSEN SMALL
CURD COTTAGE CHEESE QUEEN.

I'M ONLY DOING THIS

BECAUSE I HAVE SOME
MORE COFFEE LEFT TO DRINK.

SMALL CURD COTTAGE CHEESE QUEEN?

IT'S OUR TOWN'S BIGGEST
HONOR, RIGHT AFTER...

LARGE CURD COTTAGE CHEESE QUEEN.

THE POINT I'M TRYING TO MAKE IS

KIDS SHOULD ENJOY BEING KIDS.

THEY SHOULD BE LOOKING
FORWARD TO THEIR FUTURE,

NOT WORRYING ABOUT
THE END OF THE WORLD.

HEY, WHAT'S WITH THE LONG FACES?

WE WERE JUST TALKING
ABOUT THE BOMB.

VERY NICE. YOU HAVEN'T
EVEN SEEN MY NEW ACT.

MA, WE WERE NOT
TALKING ABOUT YOU.

EVERYBODY'S GONNA
BE TALKING ABOUT ME

WHEN THEY SEE WHAT I COOKED
UP FOR THE TALENT SHOW.

I CALL MY NEW ACT
"SOPHIA AND SOPHIA."

GET A LOAD OF THIS.

UH, HI, SOPHIA.

OH, HELLO, SOPHIA.

HOW ARE YOU FEELING TODAY?

I'VE GOT A LITTLE
ARTHRITIS IN MY NECK.

I WAS WONDERING WHY
MY WRIST WAS HURTING.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

COME ON, MA, YOU COULD
SEE YOUR LIPS MOVING.

SO?

A VENTRILOQUIST'S LIPS
AREN'T SUPPOSED TO MOVE.

IS THAT COMMON KNOWLEDGE?

I'M AFRAID SO, MA.

OTHERWISE IT WOULD JUST BE YOU

TALKING WITH A
SOCK ON YOUR HAND.

TOUGH BREAK, SOPHIA.

ONE MINUTE YOU'RE ABOUT
TO ENTERTAIN THE MASSES,

THE NEXT YOU'RE BACK ON A
FOOT COVERING A CORN PAD.

NOW YOU KNOW HOW
VALERIE HARPER FEELS.

WELL, IT'S MY TURN
TO COOK DINNER.

WHAT DOES EVERYBODY WANT?

NOTHING FOR ME,
THANKS. I'M NOT HUNGRY.

HONEY, DON'T LET
THIS GET TO YOU.

IT'S SOMETHING YOU
CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT.

I'VE ALWAYS BELIEVED
YOU CAN FIX A PROBLEM,

NO MATTER HOW BIG IT IS, IF
YOU JUST PUT YOUR MIND TO IT.

HOW ARE YOU GONNA FIX
THIS NUCLEAR WAR THING,

BY WRITING A LETTER
TO PRESIDENT REAGAN?

THAT WOULD BE PRETTY
STUPID, WOULDN'T IT, BLANCHE?

REAGAN'S ONLY RESPONSIBLE
FOR HALF THE PROBLEM.

I'LL HAVE TO WRITE
TO GORBACHEV, TOO.

ROSE, HONEY, YOU
CAN'T BE SERIOUS.

DOROTHY, I'M TAKING MY TROOP
ON A CAMP OUT IN TWO WEEKS.

I DON'T WANT THIS NUCLEAR
NONSENSE SPOILING OUR FUN.

A WELL WRITTEN, THOUGHTFUL,
INTELLIGENT LETTER

TO REAGAN AND GORBACHEV
MIGHT JUST DO THE TRICK.

ANYBODY KNOW HOW MANY
Z'S THERE ARE IN "CZAR?"

OH...

I DON'T KNOW WHY I
BOTHERED TO MAKE THIS,

I COULD'VE HAD
ROSE SIT ON MY HAND.

TO THIS DAY, THE GHOST
OF THE HEADLESS INDIAN

ROAMS THE FOREST CRYING OUT,

"WHERE IS MY HEAD?

WHERE IS MY HEAD?"

IF THE INDIAN DOESN'T HAVE
A HEAD, HOW CAN HE CRY OUT?

MAYBE HE TALKS OUT OF HIS
BEHIND LIKE CADET MASTER ROSE.

WELL, THE INDIAN CRIES
OUT FROM HIS HEART.

THAT'S THE WORST KIND OF CRY.

MY FATHER'S A SURGEON.

THAT'S PHYSIOLOGICALLY
IMPOSSIBLE.

HOW CAN WE BE
DRAWN INTO THE STORY

IF YOU'RE
MISREPRESENTING THE FACTS.

HONEY, IT'S A MAKE-BELIEVE,
SCARY CAMP OUT STORY.

OOH, REAL SCARY.

YOU WANT SCARED,
KID? YOU KEEP IT UP.

MY MOTHER'S A LAWYER.

THREATEN ME AGAIN
AND I'LL OWN YOUR HOUSE.

YOUR FATHER'S A DOCTOR,
YOUR MOTHER'S A LAWYER.

WHAT ARE YOU, ONE
OF THE COSBY KIDS?

THIS IS BORING. I
WANT TO WATCH MTV.

YOU CAN'T WATCH TELEVISION,
WE'RE ON A CAMP OUT.

NO WE'RE NOT. WE'RE
IN YOUR LIVING ROOM.

THE CAMP OUT WAS
CALLED OFF, REMEMBER?

THE RAIN DOESN'T
HAVE TO SPOIL OUR FUN.

THERE'S NOTHING WE CAN DO
OUTSIDE THAT WE CAN'T DO HERE.

YOU PROMISED US WE
COULD PEE IN THE WOODS.

GET AWAY FROM THAT COUCH.

I HAVE AN IDEA. WHO'S IN THE MOOD
FOR SOME REAL CAMP OUT FOOD?

I HAVE BEANS, I HAVE BEEF
JERKY, MARSHMALLOWS...

WE WANT PIZZA.

YEAH, WITH ARTICHOKE HEARTS
AND SHITAKE MUSHROOMS.

YEAH.

GIRLS, WOULD YOU BE
TERRIBLY DISAPPOINTED

IF I TOOK THE TROOP DOWN
THE BLOCK FOR SOME PIZZA?

NO!

IN AN ORDERLY FASHION
HEAD FOR THE STATION WAGON.

THAT'S NOT THE WAY TO GET
YOUR GOOD BEHAVIOR BADGES.

COME ON, NOW, YOU ALL
KNOW YOU USE BOTH FINGERS

FOR THE SUNSHINE SALUTE!

I'M SO GLAD THOSE LITTLE
HEATHENS FINALLY LEFT.

ME, TOO. I AM EXHAUSTED.

I DON'T THINK I'D HAVE THE
ENERGY TO RAISE MORE CHILDREN.

ALTHOUGH I AM STILL IN
MY CHILDBEARING YEARS.

SURE, BLANCHE, YOU
AND EMMA JEAN COCOA.

OH, MY GOD, THEY'RE BACK.

NOW I KNOW HOW THE
FAMILY IN POLTERGEIST FELT.

DOES ROSE NYLUND LIVE HERE?

I'M SORRY, YOU MISSED HER.
SHE LEFT WITH HER CADET TROOP.

CAN WE HELP YOU?

I AM ALEXI BOVANOV FROM
THE RUSSIAN EMBASSY.

PREMIER GORBACHEV
READ ROSE'S LETTER

AND WOULD LIKE TO MEET WITH HER.

I'M SO SORRY.

I'M SO SORRY...

IT'S COCA COLA, NO?
NO NEED TO APOLOGIZE.

IN MOSCOW I STAND IN LINE
SIX HOURS FOR HALF AS MUCH.

WOULD YOU PLEASE MAKE
SURE ROSE RECEIVES THIS NOTE?

WAIT, YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS.

WHY WOULD THE PREMIER
OF RUSSIA WANT TO SEE ROSE?

HE WAS QUITE
MOVED BY HER LETTER.

HE WISHES TO EXTEND AN
INVITATION TO HER AND HER FAMILY

TO VISIT MOSCOW AND
DISCUSS NUCLEAR DISARMAMENT

AND WORLD PEACE.

WE'LL BE IN TOUCH. THANK YOU.

THIS HAS TO BE
SOME KIND OF JOKE.

NO, IT ISN'T. LOOK AT THIS.

THIS IS AN OFFICIAL DOCUMENT
FROM THE PREMIER OF RUSSIA.

BUT WHY WOULD HE WANT TO MEET
THE SAME WOMAN WHO ONCE SAID,

"IF THE CITY OF
ATLANTIS IS LOST,

HOW CAN BOBBY VINTON
APPEAR THERE TWICE A YEAR?"

ROSE, THE MOST UNBELIEVABLE
THING HAS HAPPENED.

REMEMBER THAT LETTER
YOU WROTE TO GORBACHEV?

HE'S ANSWERED IT.
HE WANTS TO SEE YOU!

WHAT DID REAGAN SAY?

WELL, NOTHING. HE
DIDN'T SEND A LETTER.

THAT IS UNBELIEVABLE. I
WROTE HIM TWO DAYS EARLIER.

I DID THE DUMBEST THING.

I WALKED OUT OF THIS HOUSE
AND COMPLETELY FORGOT

IT'S A FULL MOON.

UNDER THOSE CONDITIONS

A SUNSHINE CADET MASTER
MUST WEAR FULL HEADDRESS.

HERE I COME, GIRLS!

KEMOSABE, I THINK THE
WORLD IS IN HEAP BIG TROUBLE.

WE INTERRUPT THIS DREAM

FOR A SPECIAL NEWS REPORT.

GOOD EVENING, I'M EDWIN NEWMAN.

THE EYES OF THE ENTIRE
WORLD WERE ON MOSCOW TODAY

AS ROSE NYLUND CONTINUED
HER MISSION OF PEACE.

IT WAS 15 DAYS AGO

THAT MRS. NYLUND WROTE
THE NOW HISTORIC LETTER

THAT CAPTURED THE ATTENTION
OF PREMIER GORBACHEV.

TODAY SHE WAS IN RED SQUARE

CAPTURING THE HEARTS AND
MINDS OF THE RUSSIAN PEOPLE.

WE SWITCH NOW TO MOSCOW.

ROSE. ROSE. ROSE.

THANK YOU.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW

DR. ZHIVAGO IS MY
FAVORITE MOVIE OF ALL TIME.

NOW I'D LIKE TO
INTRODUCE MY FRIENDS.

REAGAN! REAGAN!

NO, NO, NO. THIS IS DOROTHY.

YOU HAVE A VERY
BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY

AND I HAVE ENJOYED MY STAY HERE.

WHEN IT COMES DOWN TO IT,

YOUR LIVES AREN'T REALLY
THAT DIFFERENT THAN OURS.

EXCEPT FOR YOUR TOILET PAPER.

NO WONDER YOU PEOPLE
ALWAYS LOOK SO GROUCHY.

AND THIS IS MY FRIEND BLANCHE.

HELLO, YOU ALL.

I HAVE HAD SUCH
A GREAT TIME HERE

THAT I WOULD LIKE TO
EXPRESS MY APPRECIATION

TO PREMIER GORBACHEV
ON THIS SPECIAL DAY.

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY,
MR. NUMBER ONE COMMUNIST ♪

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪

MA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

THANKS A LOT FOR
LEAVING ME HOME.

LUCKY I FOUND THIS
NICE GERMAN KID

WHO FLEW ME TO RED SQUARE.

HELLO, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

I KNOW YOU'RE
DYING TO HEAR MY ACT

SO I'LL GET RIGHT TO IT.

I JUST FLEW IN FROM MIAMI

AND BOY, I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU,

YOUR MOSCOW IS ONE CLEAN TOWN.

NO LITTER ON THE STREETS

AND ALL THE BUGS ARE
IN THE AMERICAN EMBASSY.

THANK YOU, SOPHIA.

AND THANK YOU ALL.

REMEMBER, GIVE PEACE A CHANCE.

THE MOSCOW AUDIENCE IS THE
BEST AUDIENCE IN THE WORLD.

THE BEST AUDIENCE IN THE WORLD.

THE BEST AUDIENCE IN THE WORLD.

THE BEST AUDIENCE IN THE WORLD.

- THE BEST AUDIENCE IN THE...
- ROSE. ROSE.

HI, DOROTHY. HI, BLANCHE.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, HONEY?

I'M FINE. I JUST HAD A DREAM.

WE WERE ALL IN MOSCOW.

IT WAS SNOWING AND WE
WERE ALL WEARING FAKE FURS.

I GUESS I'M JUST NERVOUS ABOUT
THAT PRESS CONFERENCE TOMORROW.

I'VE NEVER HAD A PRESS
CONFERENCE BEFORE.

THE IDEA OF ALL THOSE
REPORTERS COMING TO THE HOUSE

TO ASK ME QUESTIONS
SCARES ME TO DEATH.

HONEY, RELAX. REPORTERS
ARE JUST PEOPLE.

THEY PUT ON THEIR
PANTS ONE LEG AT A TIME.

EXCEPT FOR THAT SPORTS
WRITER STEVE MAXWELL.

HE LIKES TO JUMP INTO
BOTH LEGS ALL AT ONCE,

WITH A LITTLE HOP STEP.

ROSE, HONEY, THERE IS
NOTHING TO BE NERVOUS ABOUT.

HONEY, THE PRESS WANTS TO
MEET YOU BECAUSE GORBACHEV

REALLY RESPECTS YOUR
VIEWS ON WORLD PEACE.

BOY, WHEN YOU SAY IT OUT LOUD
IT REALLY SORT OF LAYS THERE.

PAY ATTENTION.
YOU'RE IN FOR A TREAT.

OH, MA, NOT ANOTHER ACT.

NO, DOROTHY, NOT JUST
ANOTHER ACT, THE ACT.

I'VE TAKEN A CLASSIC AND
REWORKED IT SOPHIA-STYLE.

♪ THANKS FOR THE MEDICARE ♪

♪ FOR BLUE CROSS
AND BLUE SHIELD ♪

♪ FOR A HIP THAT
FINALLY HEALED ♪

♪ REMEMBER ON PRESCRIPTIONS
GENERIC IS A STEAL ♪

♪ WE THANK YOU SO MUCH ♪

WHAT DO YOU THINK? DON'T HOLD
BACK. I CAN TAKE THE CRITICISM.

DEPRESSING.

AWFUL.

STINKY.

GO TO HELL, ALL OF YOU!

ACTUALLY, SHE TOOK IT
BETTER THAN I EXPECTED.

DOROTHY, I'VE BEEN TALKING TO
THAT GOOD-LOOKING REPORTER.

HE JUST GOT BACK FROM RUSSIA. HE TOLD
ME A COUPLE OF VERY INTERESTING THINGS.

IT SNOWS THERE IN THE SUMMERTIME

AND THEY DON'T HAVE VERY
MANY ATTRACTIVE WOMEN.

DO YOU REALIZE WHAT THAT MEANS?

WHEN WE GO TO RUSSIA,

I WILL HAVE MY PICK OF
ANY MAN IN THE COUNTRY

AND YOU CAN MAKE
A SNOWMAN IN JUNE.

WE CAN START THE
PRESS CONFERENCE NOW.

WHERE IS ROSE?

OH, SHE LEFT TO PICK
UP HER CADET TROOP.

THAT'S ADORABLE.

SHE WANTS TO SHARE THIS
MOMENT WITH FRIENDS HER AGE.

YOU MUST VERY PROUD
OF YOUR DAUGHTER.

- MY DAUGHTER?
- FRIENDS HER OWN AGE?

WHY, HOW OLD DO
YOU THINK ROSE IS?

WELL, BASED UPON HER
LETTER, WE FIGURE NINE OR TEN.

TO BE PERFECTLY HONEST, SHE'S...

CLOSER TO TEN.

BLANCHE, COULD I SEE YOU IN
THE KITCHEN JUST FOR A MOMENT?

ANYTHING WE COULD GET YOU?
COFFEE, TEA, PAIR OF LEVI'S?

WELL, THAT SOLVES THE MYSTERY.
THEY THINK ROSE IS A LITTLE KID.

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?

IF SHE READS THAT LETTER TO THE
PRESS SHE'LL HUMILIATE HERSELF.

WE CAN'T TELL THOSE
RUSSIANS THE TRUTH.

WHY NOT?

BECAUSE THEY WILL USE
IT AS A PROPAGANDA PLOY

TO CONVINCE THE WHOLE WORLD THAT
ALL AMERICANS ARE AS DUMB AS ROSE.

THAT WOULD ROCK THE VERY
FOUNDATION OF OUR GOVERNMENT,

UNDERMINE OUR GREAT LEADERS

AND POTENTIALLY TOPPLE
OUR ENTIRE DEMOCRACY.

ROCKY IV HAD A PROFOUND
EFFECT ON YOU, DIDN'T IT?

OH, COME ON, WE HAVE
TO TELL THEM THE TRUTH.

HI, GIRLS. I HOPE I'M NOT LATE.

ROSE, LISTEN, WE HAVE
SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.

THIS IS AMAZING,
THIS IS SO AMAZING.

TO THINK I'M GIVING
A PRESS CONFERENCE

AND NEXT WEEK WE
ALL GO TO MOSCOW.

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT, DOROTHY?

NO, BUT THEN AGAIN,

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT GOD
WANTED JERRY FALWELL

TO GO DOWN THAT WATER
SLIDE IN A CHEAP SUIT.

ROSE...

I KNOW I'M BABBLING, BUT
IT'S BECAUSE I'M SO EXCITED.

MAYBE I SHOULD
OPEN UP WITH A JOKE.

NO, MY JOKES ARE BORING.

MAYBE I SHOULD
JUST TELL A STORY.

LIKE THE TIME MY UNCLE
GUSTAV GOT DRUNK

AND TRIED TO MILK A PORCUPINE.

ROSE, WE HAVE TO
TELL YOU SOMETHING.

THERE HAS BEEN A
TERRIBLE MISUNDERSTANDING.

ROSE, WE JUST FOUND OUT
TODAY THAT EVERYBODY THINKS

THE LETTER YOU SENT TO GORBACHEV

WAS WRITTEN BY A
NINE-YEAR-OLD GIRL.

YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS.

AH, THE TROOP IS BACK.

WHICH ONE IS LITTLE ROSE?

THIS ONE!

THIS IS LITTLE ROSE RIGHT HERE.

I WILL INFORM THE PRESS
WE ARE ABOUT TO BEGIN.

THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING.

DON'T WORRY.

WE'LL JUST LET LINDA
READ YOUR LETTER.

- COME ON.
- IS IT ALL RIGHT, MRS. NYLUND?

GEE, I DON'T KNOW. I GUESS SO.

GOOD. I WAS AFRAID I WOULDN'T
GET MY MOON BEAM BADGE

BECAUSE YOU SAID A
SUNSHINE CADET NEVER LIES.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

SEVERAL WEEKS AGO
I BROUGHT A LETTER

TO THE ATTENTION OF OUR PREMIER.

HE WAS SO MOVED BY
IT'S CHILD-LIKE SIMPLICITY,

HE REQUESTED TO MEET WITH
THE LITTLE GIRL WHO WROTE IT.

I WOULD LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU

TO THAT EXTRAORDINARY
NINE-YEAR-OLD GIRL,

ROSE NYLUND.

UH...

- I'M ROSE NYLUND.
- OH, BOY.

I'M THE ONE WHO
WROTE THE LETTER.

OH, BOY.

I GUESS THERE'S BEEN SOME
KIND OF MISUNDERSTANDING,

BUT A SUNSHINE CADET NEVER LIES.

I HAVE TWO ANNOUNCEMENTS.

THIS PRESS
CONFERENCE IS CANCELED.

AND I AM PROUD TO BE THE
NEWEST CITIZEN OF MIAMI.

IF ANYONE WANTS TO
REACH ME, MY NAME IS DAVE.

HONEY, THAT TOOK
A LOT OF COURAGE.

- YOU ALL RIGHT?
- NO!

THIS IS THE WORST
DAY OF MY LIFE.

OH, COME ON, HONEY.
IT'S NOT THAT BAD.

I MADE A TOTAL FOOL OF
MYSELF IN FRONT OF THE PRESS.

I'M THE LAUGHINGSTOCK
OF THE ENTIRE COUNTRY.

WHAT AM I GOING
TO TELL MY MOTHER?

YOUR MOTHER'S FROM ST.
OLAF. SHE'LL UNDERSTAND.

I'M JUST STUPID.

I'M A DIMWITTED,
DUMB, SIMPLEMINDED,

GRADE-A, MINNESOTA CHUCKLEHEAD.

BUT, THE IMPORTANT THING IS

YOU'RE OUR CHUCKLEHEAD,

AND WE WOULDN'T TRADE YOU
IN FOR ANY OTHER CHUCKLEHEAD

IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD.

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE IT, DOROTHY.

LISTEN TO ME.

WHAT YOU DID WAS
GREAT. IT WAS HISTORIC.

HONEY, YOUR WORDS
MANAGED TO MOVE THE HEART

OF A MAJOR WORLD LEADER.

I WOULD LIKE TO HEAR
THOSE WORDS, TOO.

NOW, YOU PROMISED US YOU
WOULD READ US THAT LETTER.

I NEVER WILL. IT'S
TOO EMBARRASSING.

YOU JUST SAID TODAY WAS
THE WORST DAY OF YOUR LIFE.

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE?

I'M NEVER GOING TO
READ THIS LETTER. NEVER.

ALL RIGHT, THEN WILL
YOU LET ME READ IT?

OH, FINE, KICK ME
WHILE I'M DOWN.

I MIGHT AS WELL GET USED TO IT.

"DEAR, MR. GORBACHEV,
MY NAME IS ROSE NYLUND.

I'M WRITING TO YOU BECAUSE I'M
WORRIED ABOUT NUCLEAR WAR.

I HEAR THERE ARE ENOUGH BOMBS
TO BLOW UP THE WORLD 100 TIMES

AND IT SCARES ME.

IT SCARES THE GIRLS IN
MY CADET TROOP, TOO.

THEY TALK ABOUT WHAT THEY
WANT TO BE IF THEY GROW UP,

NOT WHEN THEY GROW UP.

THAT'S WHY I'M ASKING YOU TO
PLEASE UNPLUG YOUR BOMBS.

I'LL BET MY BOTTOM DOLLAR,
OR IN YOUR CASE, BOTTOM RUBLE,

THAT IF YOU CALLED PRESIDENT
REAGAN, HE'D DO THE SAME THING.

IT'S JUST SOMEONE
HAS TO BE FIRST.

THANK YOU. YOUR
FRIEND, ROSE NYLUND.

P.S.

DON'T CALL THE PRESIDENT
IN THE AFTERNOON.

I HEAR THAT'S WHEN
HE TAKES NAPS."

HONEY, THAT WAS
REALLY BEAUTIFUL.

IT'S A SHAME THAT MORE PEOPLE
DON'T THINK LIKE NINE YEAR OLDS.

OH.

HELLO?

YES, SHE IS. ROSE, FOR YOU.

HELLO?

YES.

IT'S THE PRESIDENT!

YES, MR. PRESIDENT.

THANK YOU.

GOODBYE.

THE PRESIDENT LOVED MY LETTER!

I'VE GOT TO WRITE THIS
DOWN IN MY DIARY RIGHT NOW.

I JUST FIGURED OUT WHAT I'M
GONNA DO FOR THE TALENT CONTEST.

- WHAT, SOPHIA?
- WHAT?

MY REAGAN IMPRESSION.